Ghostly Real Estate, Neck Bombs, Diabolical French Turtle

If you’re a fan of haunted houses, real estate and stand-up comedy, you can scratch all those itches by attending the one-man show/book signing of Grady Hendrix: How To Sell A Haunted House In A Challenging Market, which takes place April 26, 2023, 7PM at SPACE 538 in Portland, ME. (That’s walking distance to The Holy Donut — home of the handmade Maine potato donut.)

From event organizer Space538.org’s press release: “From Pliny the Younger to the Amityville Horror, we’ve been convinced there’s something undead living inside our homes rent-free for thousands of years. New York Times bestselling author Grady Hendrix, presents another of his one-of-a-kind, one-man shows, tap-dancing through the haunted hallways of houses from Downton Abbey-sized country homes to split-level suburban ranchers as we try to figure out why we’re so obsessed with the world’s worst roommates — ghosts. This is the seminar that will change your life…guaranteed. Live multimedia event followed by a book signing.”

Tickets (click here) are only $7.00, so while we plan on spending hundreds of dollars to get there to score that bargain, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as delicious as The Holy D’s top seller: a bacon and pancake breakfast in donut form…

HACKSAW / Out now (VOD)

“A young couple on a road trip takes a detour to the site where a notorious murderer, Ed “Hacksaw” Crowe, became an urban legend on the day he was killed many years before. But they quickly find the legend may not be quite as dead as they were counting on.”

Time spent coming up with this plot — seven seconds. The ONLY thing that can save this tediously generic flushable is having WWE’s™ “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan in the title role.

ABRUPTIO / March 1—12, 2023 (Cinejoy Theatre)

“Les Hackel hates his life. He works a dead-end job, was just dumped by his high-maintenance girlfriend, and still lives with his nagging mom. One night, he discovers a fresh incision behind his neck. His friend Danny tells him it’s a bomb, that someone has implanted one in his neck, too. And then the messages start coming in, forcing Les to carry out missions with deadly results. Les is partnered up with a series of oddball characters to commit heinous tasks. The violence escalating around him, Les pieces together the clues that reveal the horrific plans to breed a monstrous race of beings.”

Before you get too ramped up for this, know that this is life-sized puppet horror and is described as “Comedy, mystery, blood, A-List voices, action, and puppets combine in the first-of-its-kind surrealistic horror/thriller.” Yep, I just ruined your day. 

FOLLOWERS / March 24, 2023 (VOD)

What starts as hilariously bad YouTube™ videos develops into a warning to the world about a shocking new strain of supernatural serial killer. Jonty, a failing influencer with an ambition to reach over a million followers, will stop at nothing to become famous. A new start at university brings with it hopes of a resurgence in his popularity when a demonic presence appears in his student house. Jonty decides to stream his and his housemates’ experiences with this supernatural entity to gain the fame and fortune he’s most been craving. But at what cost?

If you’re a failing influencer stopping at nothing to become famous, just let the supernatural serial killer do its job. We totally heart you supernatural serial killer. 

SMOKING CAUSES COUGHING / March 31, 2023 (Theaters, VOD)

“After a devastating battle against a diabolical giant turtle, the Tobacco Force is sent on a mandatory week-long retreat to strengthen their decaying group cohesion. Their sojourn goes wonderfully well until Lézardin, Emperor of Evil, decides to annihilate planet Earth.”

A weirdo movie made in France. Other weirdo French stuff — Brioche (expensive bread), Éclairs (expensive donut) and Mousse au chocolat (expensive chocolate pudding made with essence of rodeo moose).

Giant Screen Giant Monster, Accidental UFO, Psychiatric Demon

Godzilla is coming to town. But this time he’ll be a little less destructive on your real estate and moderately so on your wallet-sized purse. Fathom Events™ is bringing Godzilla: Tokyo SOS (2003) back to the big screen with some extras that’ll pop your corn.

From Fathom’s™ press release: “Godzilla is roaring back into theaters! Fathom Events™ and Toho International™, the Japanese studio’s U.S.-based subsidiary that brought classic Godzilla to life, announced today that Godzilla: Tokyo SOS is coming to theaters for the first time in the U.S. in celebration of the film’s 20th anniversary. This one-day-only event will take place on the big screen in over 600 theaters across the U.S. on March 22, 2023 and will feature the film with subtitles along with bonus content every fan will love, including a special showing of Godzilla vs. Gigan Rex, a short that debuted at the 2022 Japan Godzilla Festival as a sequel to G vs. G (2019).”

In case you never saw or heard of Godzilla: Tokyo SOS, here’s a plot snapshot: “Mothra and her fairies return to Japan to warn mankind that they must return Kiryu to the sea, for the dead must not be disturbed. However, Godzilla has survived to menace Japan leaving Kiryu as the nation’s only defense.” Amazing fun fact: “SOS” in Japan stands for “Sushi On A Shingle.”

While you flee to Fathom Events™ website to see if Godzilla will be stopping by your zip code (click this), here’s a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/documentaries that may or may not be a fathomable event…

ACCIDENTAL TRUTH: UFO REVELATIONS / April 18, 2023 (VOD)

“The truth can no longer be contained by those duty-bound to hide it. Officials who interact with the public regarding the UFO question openly acknowledge that they know things that they can’t reveal. In Accidental Truth, the reality of an advanced intelligence engaging humanity becomes undeniably clear; You will witness revelations on UFOs/UAPs from government insiders that have never been previously shared with the public.”

Yesterday’s papers. We already know ETs have been coming here and interacting with our feces. The government should get a new job.

NEFARIOUS / Release pending, 2023 (VOD)

“On the day of his scheduled execution, a convicted serial killer gets a psychiatric evaluation during which he claims he is a demon. And further claims that before their time is over, the psychiatrist will commit three murders of his own.”

I think this one came out in theaters (limited) in April of 2022. I was having a psychiatric evaluation all that month, and missed it. Turns out I’m a demon!  

INVOKING YELL / Release pending, 2023 (VOD)

“Set in 1997 in the south of Chile, a trio of metal-head twenty-something girls venture into the woods to shoot a demo tape for their black metal band, Invoking Yell, while also documenting the eerie and unsettling process of recording electronic voice phenomena in the woods for the final track.”

I guess you could go in the woods to record electronic voice phenomena, though you run the risk of being punked by social media woodchuck secretly recording you recording him to post online. Who needs that in their life?

DARK WINDOWS / Release pending, 2023 (VOD)

“Four teenagers were involved in a car crash. One of them dies, and when the others are blamed for her death, they decide to stay at a summerhouse in the countryside to get out of town and work through their grief. Then a masked man starts to terrorize them.”

We already know what you did last summer. We seen the other movies with the exact same plot. Note to teens: stay in school, don’t do drugs and let the masked man do his job.

Peculiar Treasures, Millions of Zombies, Ancient Peanut Butter

One of the ongoing tragedies of life is when you absolutely need a 3D Bat Air Freshener or Bigfoot Finger Feet or an essential Zombie Threat Level refrigerator magnet, and can’t find ’em anywhere. Calm your inner turmoil and just go to Portland, Oregon’s FreakyButTrue Peculiarium, a wonderland of all things tremendously useful weird and fun. Here’s their website if you think I’m making up all of this stuff.

Located at 2234 NW Thurman St., Portland, OR, the Peculiarium is similar to Archie McFee™ but goes even deeper into the mind-spinning novelty merch abyss. Alien art prints, Sasquatch devotional candles, giant lobster claws, Mothman shirts… So yeah, plan on spending at least three month’s wages there.

While we rent a U-Haul™ truck and go on a FreakyButTrue Peculiarium shopping run, here are a few upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that may or may not be as irresistible as FBTP’s Jekyll & Hyde holiday ornaments… 

GANGNAM ZOMBIE / January 5, 2023 (VOD)

“Citizens from an area of Seoul start experiencing unusual and terrifying symptoms, devolving into inhuman creatures, leaving only a few survivors with the possibility to make it out alive.”

According to this little thing called the Internet (you may have heard of it), Seoul has a population of 9.9 million people. If you wanna see zombies, that’s the place to go. Just take the train to Busan. (You got that joke, right?)

TOXICA / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“An injured stunt woman is infected by an ancient biological compound when a side job as a PI goes wrong.”

I bought a jar of ancient biological compound at the store the other day. It may look like peanut butter, but it’s way more addictive and has only half the saturated fat. We’re talkin’ some serious sandwich fixins.

IMMERSION / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Mysterious deaths befall on employees of a VR-tech company. There’s an unprecedented fear waiting between reality and the virtual world.”

Unprecedented fear waiting between reality and the virtual world. Where I live, that’s called Happy Hour.

NIGHTMARE AT PRECINCT 84 / Release pending 2023 (Theaters/VOD)

“On a stormy night on Christmas Eve, a small town female sheriff who secretly is a serial killer gets a visit from a mysterious woman who tells four bizarre stories. The first is about a small boy who has a terrifying encounter with the local ice cream truck. The second is about a young girl who takes up a phone sex operator job to pass the time, but a certain caller has other intentions. The third is about two women who discover the strange reality behind a tiny town they are trapped in and the fourth is about a man who makes a promise with haunting repercussions.”

A sheriff is a serial killer? Then she’s obligated to arrest herself or kill herself. Probably should do both.

Freaks 4 Freddy, Fairy Appetite, Hairy Heredity

If you’re just a casual fan or full-blown freak for all things A Nightmare on Elm Street, then FredHeads The Documentary, an upcoming feature about Elm Street fanatics, should have you bouncing up and down on a knife glove in anticipation of its February 14, 2023 release.

From the FredHeads press release: “Directed by Paige Troxell and Kim Gunzinger, this documentary follows a group whose friendships were formed and molded by A Nightmare on Elm Street. They venture out to share the stories of other fans of all ages from around the world whose lives were also changed by the horror film franchise.”

So while we’re placing bets on whether these obsessed fans still live with their parents, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not be a nightmare on any street… 

THE DEVIL BENEATH / January 13, 2023 (VOD)

“Two estranged brothers and their friends are pulled into a world of mystery and lies when their grandfather’s property is passed into their hands. As both brothers are pulled apart by different choices, one thing is clear — something sinister is going on. As people go missing the brothers learn secrets that will change their life forever — but what is out there? A myth? A hoax? Or could it really be…real?”

I wrote about this one back in 2015. That’s, like, 47 years ago give or take. It was released as Red Billabong in Australia, where it was made. I have no idea if that country is a myth or a hoax or possibly real. While I figure it out, this “about bloody time” movie is finally being released here in the states with a new title. Good — I didn’t know what a “billabong” was and why it’s red.

IN MY MOTHER’S SKIN / January 20, 2023 (VOD)

“Stranded in the Philippines during World War II, a young girl finds that her duty to protect her dying mother is complicated by her misplaced trust in a beguiling, flesh-eating fairy.”

Yeah, you can’t trust a flesh-eating fairy regardless of how beguiling. One minute you and a fairy are hanging out, having a couple of beers, then the next your face is a sandwich. An open-face sandwich. Heh.

ALONE AT NIGHT / January 20, 2023 (VOD)

“Vicky is a young woman looking for an escape after going through a harrowing break-up. After retreating to a friend’s remote cabin in the woods to clear her head, she continues modeling sexy lingerie for her devoted followers on 18 & Over, an adults-only, live-streaming website. But when the power keeps going out, Vicky discovers something terrifying awaiting her in the dark — a masked killer wielding a crowbar who’s hellbent on bringing her night to a grisly end.”

I looked but was unable to find her adults-only live-streaming website. Found 117,413 others, though.

WOLFKIN / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Elaine, a single mother, is raising her son, Martin, who shows strange and uncontrollable behavior. When the boy bites one of his classmates, Elaine, desperate for answers, takes him to see his paternal grandparents. But there she discovers the true nature of the family and has to choose between acceptance or fighting for her son’s destiny.

So the young boy is a wolf. He could be his own pet.

365 Days of Horror, Tramp Stamped Piranhas, Extinct Genes

Time again for Lunchmeat Magazine’s annually-anticipated Home Video Horrors calendar. Seems like it’s been a year since they put one out. I you’re a fan of Z-grade lurid horror movies that used to come out on VHS, this paints you in a must-own corner.

From Lunchmeat’s website: “Photographer Jacky Lawrence with W.T. Scot present an all-new Home Video Horrors calendar, featuring 12 brand spankin’ new photo tributes to some of the most iconic, incredible, and eye-popping VHS covers ever to stalk the horror section of the video store. The Home Video Horrors 2023 calendar is printed on high-quality, full-color semi-gloss paper. Only 250 copies will be produced, and you can pre-order yours for $19.99 over on Lunchmeat’s website now. The calendars are expected to be delivered in January 2023.”

While we watch 2022 go down in flames and re-light the torch with this 2023 horror calendar, here are a few out now horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not last a year…

THE CRETACEOUS WORLD / Out now (VOD)

The Bermuda Triangle area has always been known as the Hell of Death. Many years ago, due to the special magnetic field and ocean current environment, a “sleeping” cretaceous island emerged from the water. The island has a large number of dinosaur genes that have been extinct more than 65 million years ago. A bizarre air crash led a group of survivors to be trapped on this island.”

At around 79 million years, the Cretaceous is the longest geological period of the entire Phanerozoic. Knowing this going in made the movie that much more satisfying.

PIRANHA WOMEN / Out now (Tubi™)

“A tender tale of a tribe of sexy ladies who keep a toothy, terrifying secret beneath their bikini tops and the young woman who is slowly, surely starting to join their ribald ranks.”

Bikini-wearing women that turn into flesh-eating fish. And they say there are no new plots.

THE SCREAMING SKY (aka, CEREBOH) / Out now (VOD)

“The world has been overrun by mind-controlling aliens called Sky Beasts. Six people hide out in an abandoned building. But when one of them is exposed to the aliens, paranoia among them proves to be just as deadly as any threat from the sky.”

Sky Beasts is what I call those %@#$ seagulls that crap all over my car. (Shaking fist menacingly) “I’ll kill you, %@#$ Sky Beasts!” 

THE DOLL 3 / Out now (VOD)

“After an accident that killed both of her parents, Tara now only has a younger brother named Gian as a member of her family. However, the accident traumatized Gian, so he chose to end his life. After the suicide of her brother, Tara decides to take his favorite toy, a child-size talking doll called Bobby, to a shaman to have his spirit reborn inside it. The doll takes on a life of its own, turning into a demonic serial killer who targets any and everyone in Tara’s life that stands in his way of completely monopolizing his sister’s time.”

Looks like somebody’s been watching Child’s Play. Three times, apparently.

Monsters Au Naturel, Bigfoot Pursuit, Alien Party Crashers

Paul Garner is an artist living in Brighton, United Kingdom. That pretty dang far from where I’m lallygagging. But thanks to this thing called the “Internet” (you may have heard of it), now you can view his incredible horror movie icon illustrations…and buy ’em. (Full disclosure: I recently purchased some of Garner’s art and am currently gawking at it on the wall right next to where I’m lallygagging.)

Paul’s latest series is Nudie Monsters, recasting The Mummy, Wolf-Man, The Fly and Bride of Frankenstein in eye-poppingly colorful “pin-ups”. Don’t worry — they’re PG-rated, which means you don’t have to hide ‘em under your bed. These silk board prints sell in sets of three for 25£ ($31.40 US) and measure 11.75”x16.5”. Get ’em on his Etsy shop page here. Better yet, marvel at Paul’s extraordinary illustrating skills on his website: www.paulgarnerart.com

As confessed in a court of public opinion above, I purchased the Jaws poster and just sent in an order for The Shining print. If none of these examples are to your liking (critic), you can get caricatures of Creature of the Black Lagoon, Nosferatu, Night of the Living Dead and even Ozzy Osbourne, who’s kind of a monster himself.

While you take down your Vincent van Gogh and Pablo Picasso black light posters to make room for Paul’s peerless artings, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be made better by having nude monsters in ’em…

NIGHT OF THE AXE / Out now (VOD)

“A group of young adults enjoying a high school reunion party are terrorized by an escaped mental patient obsessed with satisfying his blood lust. One by one they are made victims of the sadistic killer. Who will survive the Night of the Axe?”

Not only does it SOUND like a slasher plot straight out of late ’70s/early’80s, it IS a slasher plot straight of late ’70s/early’80s. Time spent coming up with the script? 70 or 80 seconds.

ON THE TRAIL OF BIGFOOT: LAST FRONTIER / January 17, 2023 (VOD)

“Small Town Monsters heads to the frozen vistas of the 49th state with On the Trail of Bigfoot: Last Frontier. The first 2023 Small Town Monsters docudrama features in-depth interviews with locals and a heavy focus on the Indigenous people who first called the land home. Focusing on evidence and encounters with the legendary Sasquatch, On the Trail of Bigfoot: Last Frontier aims to give audiences the most cohesive look at Alaskan Sasquatch lore.”

YET ANOTHER documentary cashing in on Bigfoot’s good name. B’foot really needs to put his big foot down on people not legally licensing his image and/or footwear.

KIDS VS. ALIENS / January 20, 2023 (Digital/VOD)

“All Gary wants is to make awesome home movies with his best buds. All his older sister Samantha wants is to hang with the cool kids. When their parents head out of town one Halloween weekend, an all-time rager of a teen house party turns to terror when aliens attack, forcing the siblings to band together to survive the night.”

A better solution: we should send ALL our teenagers to the alien’s planet to crash their ragers. 

YULETIDE HORROR / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Directed by Ethan Evans and produced by Jess Bartlett and Kieran Nolan Jones, Yuletide Horror is a feature-length documentary exploring the terrifying history of Christmas horror folklore and cinema, from Black Christmas, Gremlins, Silent Night, Deadly Night and beyond.”

And the soundtrack could be (wait for it)…wrap music.

Cartoon Werewolves, Magic Cameras, Cruel Tools

Archie Comics™ was first published in 1939 (as MLJ Magazines™) and has been in print every since. If my Internet math lessons serve me correctly, that’s 83 years as of this blogging. And during that time, the freckle-faced teen Archie Andrews has never graduated Riverdale High School (except that time he dropped acid with his drug dealer Jughead Jones and hallucinated he made it to college, only to drop out and drop more acid). He started a band, had one hit thrash metal song (“Sugar Sugar”) in 1969, and has only nailed Veronica Lodge and Betty Cooper, the two competitive hotties in constant battle to win Archie’s affections, in G-rated fashion. Disappointing.

But what if Archie and pals were recast in a horror comic? Sure, it’s been done before (Jughead: The Hunger, Afterlife With Archie, Vampironica, Archie’s Madhouse, Archie & Friends: Twilight, Archie At Crystal Lake), but now there’s YET ANOTHER ONE titled Happy Horror Days O.S., a two-issue treatment (and two different covers) with the gang going up against Krampus and more. Here are the gripping details… 

“T’was the night before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring not even a…werewolf? The holidays look a little different in Riverdale this year — Santa’s nowhere in sight but Krampus is on the rampage! Who can take him down? That’s right, WereJug returns to do battle with the horned and hoofed holiday beast with Betty Cooper in his corner! Then, we dive into the true story of the Icelandic yule cat, Jólakötturinn, and her master — Sheila Wu! Finally, Reggie meets a nice girl that he takes to the Mantle family holiday party — but things aren’t as they seem when she systematically dismantles Reggie’s life! The holidays are horrifying in this special horror anthology, that reunites the team of Jughead: the Hunger!”

In all, 32 pages of teenage horror (kinda redundant). Get ‘em here for $3.99. That’s less than Archie would pay on a non-base scoring date with Veronica/Betty. So while you’re making room in your vast collection of Archie Comics™ for two more, here a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not have blood flowing as colorful as comic book ink… 

LANDLOCKED / January 6, 2023 (VOD)

“Summoned to his soon-to-be demolished childhood home, Mason discovers an old VHS camera that can see into the past, driving him to record as many memories as possible before the doomed house is destroyed.”

Personally, I’d just set up the camera on a bar top, order refreshing adult beverages until last call and hit the record button. Lather, rinse, repeat.

HUMAN RESOURCES / January 10, 2023 (VOD)

“After starting a job at a creepy hardware store, Sam Coleman uncovers a shocking mystery involving a missing employee. With the help of Sarah, a cynical coworker, Sam plunges into the dark corners of the store and is forced to confront the terrifying forces that lurk just behind the walls.”

Of course terrifying forces lurk there. Hardware stores are one-stop shopping for theme-masked serial killers purchasing essential tools of their trade: trowel with ergonomic grip, reciprocating saw with double-edged bore blade for multidirectional cuts and rounded end for easy plunge cutting, garden hose with adjustable nozzles… A veritable candy land for those in the business of butchering wanting to up their game and add a little pizzazz to their profession.

65 / March 10, 2023 (Theaters)

“After a catastrophic crash on an unknown planet, pilot Mills quickly discovers he’s stranded on Earth…65 million years ago. Now, with only one chance at rescue, Mills and the only other survivor, Koa, must make their way across an unknown terrain riddled with dangerous prehistoric creatures in an epic fight to survive.”

65 million years into the past? Man, that would totally suck — 7-Elevens™ didn’t exist until 1927. That’s a long time to wait for a Mountain Dew Slurpee®.

RAVAGE NATION / Release pending 2023 (DVD)

“In 2036, CV5 was born. A stronger strain, vaccine resistance. Mothers gave birth to hybrid creatures and mutations. Others had zombie-like qualities. A mere bite or scratch and within 12 seconds you were turned. This was the new normal. Beasts hunt man for food and sport.”

Makes sense to hunt man for food and sport. You don’t wanna keep one of those messy things around as a house pet. Just cleaning the litter box alone would make you sick to your stomach.

Devil Barf, Ghost Coffins, Head Removal

How could 1973’s The Exorcist not be what the guy at the grocery store says is the scariest horror movie ever made when it has everything: religion gone wild, spin class barfing, multisyllabic naughty words, skull rotation, crucifix polishing, Latin beerspeak, demon boners… You’d have to go to church — or the Tug Tavern — to get that kind of party. Or do you? Now you can own an exquisitely detailed 1/10th scale model of the devil-possessed 12-year-old Regan MacNeil in her iconic bed pose right before she did a soul swap with backup priest Father Karras, making him jump out a five-story window onto the unrepentant cement stairs below…and Jesus not catching him.

From Iron Studios™ and BigBadToys.com: “Confined and restrained in her room on a bed with a padded headboard and foot-board to protect its occupant, a demonic evil entity possesses the body of a preteen girl, making her body physically distorted and covered in wounds. All the diabolic spirit that lives in her body wishes for is to cause the death of its innocent host. Considered by many as the most terrifying movies of all time, Iron Studios present their Possessed Regan MacNeil statue of the bedeviled protagonist from The Exorcist, one of the greatest horror films ever.”

While this limited edition statue doesn’t come accessorized with action puke (you can load up at the Tug Tavern), the model is hand-painted and made of bible-resistant polystone. And it will possess your wallet for $219.99 (estimated arrival 3rd quarter 2023). A suggestion would be to raid the nearest collection plate.

While you’re in confession (10 Hail Bloody Marys usually gets me off the hook —and puts me on other ones), here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not make you shout at the Devil — or your shoes… 

OPEN THE COFFIN / Out now (YouTube™)

“A detective investigates supernatural mystery murders that seem to be the result of a curse.”

Where would supernatural murder mysteries be without curses? That’s like having a used car sale without balloons.

IVANNA / Out now (YouTube™)

“A beautiful young woman, who has limited vision, and her family and friends are terrorized when they celebrate Lebaran at an old house in the Bandung area. She has visions of the previous owner, a Dutch woman named Ivanna who was murdered during the Japanese invasion of Indonesia in 1943. Now, Ivanna’s spirit has returned to the house seeking revenge.”

The ghost of Ivanna decapitates her victims. This no doubt is what’s causing the drastic decline of comb sales in Bandung.

KUNTILANAK 3 / Out now (YouTube™)

“Dinda, who is considered strange by the village children because of her strength, accidentally injures Panji and Ambar. Regretting her actions, Dinda asks Aunt Dona to register her at the Mata Hati School, so that she can learn to control her power.”

Just think of what you can do with super strength — open stuck peanut butter jar lids. Give me a minute and I’ll think of another one.

AMBER ROAD / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Amber Road is a hidden place in the digital universe where anything can be bought, sold and traded. It is a place where a person can fulfill their darkest desire or unleash their deepest depravity. And once you travel down that path, there comes a point where you can never return. A husband and wife awaken to find themselves trapped in a basement dungeon apparently at the hands of a serial killer driven by the demands and requests of sick and demented individuals finding a community on the dark web.”

Is it just me, or does this darkest desire digital universe sound like Amazon.com?

Spicy Godzilla, Evil Facelift, Dept. of Demon Sanitation

The secret of Godzilla’s atomic breath isn’t radiation — it’s hot sauce. Specifically, his own brand of hot sauce, available in a variety of citizen-melting heat signatures: The Death Song of Three Storms, Dark Gaseous Nebula of the Orion, Malicious Dreams of the Electric Deity…16 in all. And you can get the Godzilla Hot Sauce Collector’s Set of Series 1, 2 and 3 for a Mothra-stomping $235.00. So yeah, full-on taste bud obliteration.

But why stop with the hot sauces when you can Godzilla Coffee (six pack: $100), Godzilla Hot Cocoa (three pack: $35), Godzilla BBQ (two bottle: $35) and/or the Series 1 Godzilla Dry Rub five-pack ($50), which includes Rodan’s Born of Fire Sweet ‘n Smoky Chipotle Rub, Ebirah’s Red Bamboo Cajun Spice and King Ghidorah’s Living Storm of Rage Everything Bagel Seasoning.

Or how about a sampler set from GodzillaFood.com’s mouth-busters for $140, which includes: Godzilla’s Doom Inevitable Hot Sauce, Odo Island Coffee Blend, Godzilla’s Monster Zero-One Burger Rub, Godzilla’s Power to Restore Balance Matcha Tea, Godzilla’s Ultimate BBQ Sauce, Godzilla’s King of the Salsas Original Salsa, Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla Chocolate Cocoa, and an exclusive Godzilla T-shirt. 

While you clear out your pantry (fancy word for “cupboard”) to make room for all of these monster staples, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not be as tasty as Biollante’s Mutated Rose: Bell Pepper Rose Habanero Sauce…

DEMONIC PLASTIC SURGEON M.D. / Out now (VOD)

“At an elderly people’s home, a demonic plastic surgeon has been summoned. And soon, they will all be due a make over.”

What kind of “makeover” would an elderly person want? Wrinkle tuck? Blue hair implants? Vicks VapoRub™ face peel? 

THE CULT OF HUMPTY DUMPTY / Out now (VOD)

“A group of troubled teen girls and their teacher must fight for survival after discovering a cult has brought Humpty Dumpty, a killer doll, back to life and set loose on the camp where they are staying.”

I thought Humpty Dumpty was an egg. I’d prefer a serial killing breakfast food than YET ANOTHER doll with a knife.

THEY DON’T CAST SHADOWS / January 2, 2023 (VOD)

“Lisa McGrath is a high school girl given a supernatural gift allowing her to see angels and demons. With the help of a mysterious boy, Lisa finds romance and danger as they fight alongside angels to rid her hometown of demons.”

My hometown rid of its resident evil when they banished me from that particular zip code. Fine by me — that place was a real gas station toilet, which ironically, was the name of my former hood.

BRING OUT THE FEAR / January 3, 2023 (VOD)

“A couple struggles to mend their fractured relationship. However, when they become trapped in a foreboding forest that refuses to let them escape, they quickly find that they have much bigger problems.”

Bigfoot would make a good marriage counselor. Just sayin’.

Lost Bigfoot, Killer Clown, Zombie Thanksgiving

The movie Sasqua (1975) has possibly the best plot ever: “A hippie commune is attacked by cryptids.” I read that and started crying tears of happiness. FINALLY, someone is doing something about all those stink hippies stinkin’ up the woods and, by extension, the entire world.

Before you break out the champagne (or Miller High Life — The Champagne of Beers™), you can’t watch this movie. Why? Because it only played for about two days at a local theater in Massachusetts back in the ’70s and was never seen again. (FYI: There were a lot of hippies in those days — and every day since.)

But dry your eyes — there’s a documentary called Sasqu — The Lost Bigfoot Film of Massachusetts being worked on as we speak. Here are the details: “Described by The Boston Globe as an obscure horror movie about a hippie commune attacked by cryptids,’ the elusive Sasqua has never seen the light of day outside of a brief and localized theatrical release back in the 1970s, and filmmaker John Campopiano has set out to uncover as much information, and as many relevant interview subjects, as he possibly can.”

While we wait for this Oscar™ contender and celebrate Bigfoot’s efforts for eradicating those who stink and have deprived themselves the glory of the washcloth, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be worthy of being spared by the glory of cryptids…

MY APOCALYPTIC THANKSGIVING / Out now (VOD, Apple TV™)

“A zombie-obsessed, special needs adult searches for his absent mom while a Korean family and gang compete to be his family. But he teaches everyone forgiveness with the help of his favorite zombie television show.”

Zombies are synonymous with forgiveness, so this one should be bloody heartwarming.

MISTER CREEP / December 5, 2022 (VOD)

“Three college students stumble upon a lost television broadcast of a deceased serial killer and search for its location. They discover a nightmarish cover-up of a clown-faced man who killed hundreds and may still be around long after his death.”

A clown-faced man who killed hundreds. Anything worth doing is worth overdoing.

THE CHRISTMAS TAPES / December 16, 2022 (VOD)

“In this Christmas horror anthology, a family’s movie night on Christmas Eve is interrupted by a stranger insistent on making the next Christmas ‘classic’ film himself.”

I’m ready for my close-up. Just let me quaff a few pitchers of “holiday cheer” to get in the zone.

#FLOAT / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“When a vlogger and her crew embark on their annual river float to commemorate the untimely loss of their friend, they are plunged into a life and death battle with a mysterious local, a sinister paranormal force, and their own fears.”

YET ANOTHER “social media” horror movie. This means it #sucks.