Archive for serial killer

Edible Monsters, Rubberized Evil, Reanimated Relatives

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Witches, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 17, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Jell-O Monster Slime

Did you watch Ghostbusters (1984) and ever want to take a bite out of Slimer, that hot dog-guzzling poltergeist that looks like a big green, lumpy marshmallow with a mouth? Of course you did. And now you can with Jell-O™ Monster Slime, edible, um, goop (or something that rhymes with it), that pays loose homage to that iconic sticky ghost.

Jell-O Monster Slime

Available for pre-order on Amazon.com (14.8 ounces), this 100% digestible lime gunk will sell for $10 (give or take) and will be available at select stores (probably in the bathroom plumbing department of The Home Depot™) on December 10, 2018. Watch how fast I don’t go there.

Unicorn Slime / Monster Slime

In case Monster Slime™ isn’t your taste (heh), they also have Unicorn Slime™, which is pink and strawberry-flavored. There’s a joke in there somewhere. While I try and come up with a non-offensive punchline, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not gum up your internal plumbing…

Elizabeth Harvest

ELIZABETH HARVEST (December 4, 2018)
“Newlywed Elizabeth arrives with her brilliant scientist husband Henry to his magnificent estate, where he wows her with lavish dinners and a dazzling tour of the property. The house staff Claire and Oliver treat her deferentially but she can’t shake the feeling something is off. Henry explains that everything in his world now belongs to her, all is for her to play in — all except for a locked-off room he forbids her from entering. When he goes away for business, Elizabeth decides to investigate.”

This plot echoed around the gas chamber that is the inside of my head, so I decided to investigate (click madly the mouse): Turns out, Elizabeth Harvest is a science fiction re-imagining of the French folktale of Bluebeard (1697), in which a violent nobleman in the habit of murdering his wives is confronted by a new wife trying to avoid the fate of her predecessors. Sounds like an extreme case of buyer’s remorse.

Replicas

REPLICAS (January 11, 2019)
“A scientist becomes obsessed with bringing back his family members who died in a traffic accident.”

Keanu Reeves — on a hot roll following the John Wick movies (extremely cool badass) — looks to be playing a modern day Victor Frankenstein here. I wish him well with all his science-y skills to achieve the desired results. Ironically, though, all he really needs is a shovel and some sort of…pet sematary.

Child's Play

CHILD’S PLAY (June 21, 2019)
“A mother gives her son a toy doll for his birthday, unaware of its more sinister nature.”

This plot also sounds suspiciously familiar. Could’a sworn I saw something very similar back in…1988. Something about a doll possessed by evil or a facsimile thereof.

Bonejangles 2: Bride of Bonejangles

BONEJANGLES 2: BRIDE OF BOJANGLES (2019)
Picking up after the events of Bonejangles, supernatural serial killer, Edgar Friendly Junior, a.k.a. Mr. Bonejangles, is inadvertently resurrected by a mysterious and sinister cult of followers of the succubus witch, Rowena. Mr. Bonejangles wastes no time picking up where he left off and sets his sights on hapless police officer Doug Partridge, the one who got away from him. But Rowena’s followers have plans of their own on Bonejangles…plans that may spell doom for the very world itself.”

Didn’t see the first Bonejangles movie (2017), so I have no idea what the heckaroo they’re talking about. And as for the plans that spell doom for the world, a lot of movies make the same claim. My question: When are any of you gonna make good with that promise? Getting tired of waiting around.

The Final Dead, Evil Clothes, Sex Zombies

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers, TV Vixens, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 9, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Walking Dead

Proceed with caution as there be spoilers ahead. For those who are hardcore (or even casual) Walking Dead fans, the final episode of Rick Grimes (Andrew Lincoln, whose father-in-law is hippie flute player Ian Anderson of Jethro Tull) was kind of a swerve.

Rick Grimes

Impaled by re-bar and barely escaping a herd/horde of walkers, Rick, bleeding out like a stuck pig, keeps passing out and hallucinating. Sounds like a night out at The Tug Tavern. Several past characters return to offer advice and to yell at him to wake up. Then he blows up a bridge over troubled waters, which cause a ton of zombies to cannonball into the raging river below.

Rick Grimes

Did Rick go ka-BOOM during the explosion? Not according to the last scene, which I won’t reveal. But it’s already in the works Rick will be back in not one but three impending Walking Dead movies, as well as directing a few episodes.

Rick Grimes

This is good news as I didn’t want Rick to go ka-BOOM. While we ponder the future of The Walking Dead without him, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make you wanna jump off a bridge…

Cam

CAM (November 16, 2018)
“An ambitious cam-girl wakes up one day to discover she’s been replaced on her show with an exact replica of herself. As this copy begins to push the boundaries of Alice’s Internet identity, the control that Alice has over her life, and the men in it, vanishes. While she struggles to regain what she’s lost, she slowly finds herself drawn back to her show and to the mysterious person who has taken her place.”

Okay, that’s gotta feel weird, being replaced by yourself. If that happened to me, I’d tell that guy to get a haircut and wear something else besides KISS T-shirts day in and day out for months at a time.

Ugly Sweater Party

UGLY SWEATER PARTY (November 23, 2018)
On Christmas Eve at a campsite deep in the woods, an ugly sweater party is in full swing. Best friends Cliff and Jody arrive expecting some mistletoe action from the sexy twins who invited them, but soon realize that they are at a Bible camp. To make matters worse, Cliff is wearing a sweater possessed by the ghost of notorious serial killer Declan Rains. While the evil sweater slowly possesses Cliff, Jody also realizes that the party guests aren’t as innocent as they first seem.

An evil sweater. Welcome to the bottom of the barrel.

Arctic

ARCTIC (February, 2019)
“A man stranded in the Arctic is finally about to receive his long-awaited rescue. However, after a tragic accident, his opportunity is lost. He must then decide whether to remain in the relative safety of his camp or to embark on a deadly trek through the unknown for potential salvation.”

Unless a polar bear eats his head off and snacks on his entrails as if unheated lasagna.

Rabid

RABID (2019)
Rose, a young woman who, after an accident leaves her scarred beyond recognition, undergoes a radical untested stem-cell treatment. While turning Rose into the belle of the ball, the experimental transformation comes at a price.”

A remake of David Cronenberg’s same-named 1977 classic, which was a remake of his 1975 sex zombie movie, Shivers (1975). Check out the plot: “The residents of a suburban high-rise apartment building are being infected by a strain of parasites that turn them into mindless, sex-crazed fiends out to infect others by the slightest sexual contact.” Forget condoms — wear a wet suit.

Nightmare King, Porno Slasher, Ghost Mom

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 18, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Nightmare King

It’s one thing to eat fast food and later get nightmares. But it’s entirely another thing to have a fast food chain tell you up front their burgers will give you nightmares. Genius, and yet unsettling, both to your mind and lower intestines.

Nightmare King

Burger King™, hot on the heels of their Scary Black Cherry Frozen Fanta™ drink for this year’s Halloween season, is now selling the Nightmare King™ (great name), a hamburger with green buns (there’s a joke in there somewhere) that’s designed to make you freak out in your sleep. Time to throw out your Freddy Krueger spring rolls.

Nightmare King

A review from CNBC.com: “The Nightmare King hase a ghoulish green bun and is filled with grilled beef, crispy chicken, bacon, American cheese and mayonnaise. And Burger King is actually claiming that the Halloween sandwich will induce nightmares, having tested it with 100 people over ten nights. The study revealed a 3.5 time increase in nightmares.

Nightmare King

It’s the combination of protein and cheese that leads to vivid dreams, according to Dr. Jose Gabriel Medina, a somnologist and the study’s lead doctor, according to an online release. People’s Rapid Eye Movement (REM) cycles were interrupted, a time when most people dream.”

Nightmare King

So they actually went out and found a doctor to validate their marketing. Wonder if they hired Republicans to cook ‘em? And before you race to Burger King™ to shell out $6.39 for one of these bad dream burgers (available October 22, 2018 while stocks last), here are a few upcoming horror that may or may not be as scary as green buns…

The Clovehitch Killer

THE CLOVEHITCH KILLER (November 16, 2018)
Tyler is a good kid, a boy scout, raised by a poor but happy family in a small, religious town. But when he finds his dad, Don, has disturbing pornography hidden in the shed, he starts to fear that his dad might be Clovehitch, an infamous serial killer that was never caught. Tyler teams up with Kassi, a teenage outcast who’s morbidly obsessed with the Clovehitch legend, to discover the truth in time to save his family.”

Porn is disturbing and a religious town isn’t? Seems they got their priorities out of whack. They probably should let Clovey get in there and straighten everyone out.

The Prodigy

THE PRODIGY (February 8, 2019)
“Pulling from The Omen and The Bad Seed, the feature tells the story of a young mother who, concerned about her 8-year-old son’s disturbing behavior, thinks something supernatural may be affecting him.”

Pulling from The Omen (1976) and The Bad Seed (1956)? How about bold-face ripping off? And just so we’re clear here, disturbing behavior is what 8-year-old kids do for a living. If you own and operate one of those things, expect it to continue for at least another 10 years.

The Final Wish

THE FINAL WISH (2018/2019)
“Aaron is struggling lawyer who returns home following the passing of his father to help his devastated mother and confront his past demons. Sifting through his father’s belongings, Aaron stumbles upon an Urn which is far more than it seems. As his desires and wishes start coming true, Aaron thinks his prayers have been answered until he learn the sinister price that comes with THE FINAL WISH.”

A can of beer has pretty much the same effect. And when you’re wishes run out, BUY ANOTHER CAN OF BEER. This isn’t rocket science, people.

The Curse of La Llorona

THE CURSE OF LA LLORONA (April 19, 2019)
“Ignoring the eerie warning of a troubled mother suspected of child endangerment, a social worker and her own small kids are soon drawn into a frightening supernatural realm. Their only hope to survive La Llorona’s deadly wrath may be a disillusioned priest and the mysticism he practices to keep evil at bay, on the fringes where fear and faith collide.”

There’s been about a dozen takes on the La Llorona Mexican folklore, which is about the ghost of a woman, who lost her children, cries while looking for them in the river, often causing bad luck/headaches for anyone who hears her spectral bellyaching. Note to ghost moms — the river is not a good babysitter.

Demon Anniversary, Serial Killing Exorcist, Apocalypse Right Now

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 8, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Beetlejuice

Hard to believe it’s been 30 years since Beetlejuice (1988),  the timeless cult comedy horror/fantasy classic, made everyone LOL long before the term was ever invented.

Beetlejuice

To balloon-less commemorate, Beetlejuice is back in theaters for a limited run, and Warner Bros. issued this awesome key art to entice you into buying a ticket. Count me in. And for those of you who haven’t seen it, here’s a little something from the press release: “Alec Baldwin and Geena Davis play a recently-deceased husband and wife who commission a bizarre demon (Michael Keaton) to drive an obnoxious family out of their home. Winona Ryder plays their daughter Lydia.”

Beetlejuice

While you’re printing out a movie ticket from Fandango.com (I’ve actually never done that), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be around in 30 years…

Boo!

BOO! (2018)
“A torn suburban family refuses to heed the warning of an innocent prank left upon them, which causes the unknown supernatural force to wreak havoc.”

Really wish they had come up with a better title than Boo! It’s been used several times before — once in 2005 and more recently with Tyler Perry’s Boo! A Madea Halloween/Tyler Perry’s Boo! II: A Madea Halloween (2016 and 2017). Sure hope the new Boo! is better than all of the above. Shouldn’t be too hard.

Peripheral

PERIPHERAL (2018)
Bobbi Johnson is a young literary sensation facing her difficult second novel. Already dealing with a crazed stalker and her junkie ex-boyfriend, Bobbi is convinced by her publisher to use new smart editing software and finds herself going head-to-head with an artificial intelligence determined to write her book for her. As the machine manipulates her work to suit its own nefarious ends, Bobbi begins to realize that she is being controlled in ways far more sinister than she suspected. She may, in fact, be a pawn in a conspiracy of social mind control. Too far down the rabbit hole to turn back, Bobbi must keep writing, fighting her own addictions and hallucinations as she rushes to beat her deadline without selling her soul in the process and becoming a cog in a monstrous machine.”

Machines can do just about anything these days. Now if I could only find one to go to the bathroom for me so I don’t ever have to leave the couch…

Our Evil

OUR EVIL (aka, Mal Nosso/2018)
“Set in the seedy underbelly of São Paulo, Brazil, an exorcist uses the dark web to employ a serial killer to protect his daughter from demonic possession.”

Not much of an exorcist if he can’t even protect his own daughter from from being demonized. Then again, serial killers do seem to have somewhat efficient job skills.

Good Omens

GOOD OMENS (2019)
“A dark, comedic story set in modern day Britain centers on the stoic and sensible angel, Aziraphale and the suave man-about-town demon, Crowley as they join forces to prevent the coming of the Apocalypse. Why? Because they’ve grown to love the little idiosyncrasies of the human experience.”

Why is everybody always trying to stop the Apocalypse? I say roll the dice and let it play out. Couldn’t be much worse than what we have now.

Giving Birth To A Power Tool

Posted in Classic Horror, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 4, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning (2006) is a prequel to the 2003 Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake that didn’t need to be made in the first place. Yep, I said it.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning

Thomas had a rough start in life. First, his mom gives birth to him in a meat packing plant. Not only did she leave him behind, but the plant foreman, thinking the bloody pile of meat is contaminated after it touched the floor, chucks Thomas into a dumpster.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning

And if his day couldn’t get any worse, Thomas (later given the Christian name of Leatherface), is found by a homeless woman looking in garbage cans for nutritious food. She doesn’t eat him (he was dropped on a dirty floor and is probably teeming with germs), but drops Thomas off at the Hewitt House instead, the home of the original Chainsaw family.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning

The luck of it all is Thomas grows up and gets a job at the very same meat packing plant that was the site of his beginning. Guess who his boss is? I know, right? Thomas repays that whole “tossing the fetus in the dumpster” incident by smashing his boss’ head into a Technicolor watermelon. It’s all about closure. Until he finds inner peace, Thomas finds a chainsaw. The rest just writes itself.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning

Butchering, screaming, cannibalism, screaming, kneecap gunshot wounds, screaming, face-skinning, screaming… It’s all part of Thomas’ pastiche.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning

Way more graphic and gory than the original, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning follows the same template as the Friday the 13th sequels, just racking up body count numbers in place of a compelling storyline. And Thomas? He’s already changed his name to Jason and got a job at Camp Crystal Lake.

Soul Police

Posted in Asian Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 19, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Soul Guardians

Religious fanatics are so stupid. First, they get a bunch of people to believe in their spiritual B.S., and then get them to do a group suicide. Poor business model — no one left to pass the collection plate. 

The Soul Guardians

One woman, part of the cult who killed themselves in the name of RELIGION, survived. Clearly, she wasn’t very good at being spiritual. And she’s pregnant. Clearly, she wasn’t very good at birth control. To pay for this blasphemy she dies giving birth. Let that be a lesson to not mock RELIGION. 

The Soul Guardians

Her daughter grows up to be 20 years old. This coincides with yet another group of religious freaks committing suicide. There’s an up and down side to this scenario if you think about it. The police think a serial killer is to blame. Sort of. Three “soul guardians” show up, looking like regular people, but with mystical powers that don’t include heat vision or the ability to shoot spider webbing out of their arm holes. Too bad. But they’re here for a reason. 

The Soul Guardians

The Forces of Darkness are using the girl to help Satan get back to Earth, thereby causing more of the above. (I didn’t know Satan lived in outer space; isn’t he supposed to be at the center of Earth’s core, eating the Damned with a side of lava? Clearly, I have the wrong version of the Bible.)

The Soul Guardians

The Soul Guardians (1998; called Toemarok in its homeland of South Korea), has more visual special effects than a religious fanatic’s conception of Heaven, and looks as slick as a televangelist. But evil doesn’t look evil enough, there are no steaming entrails or vomit-covered collection plates. I have to give props to the “soul knife,” though. That thing was cool and I wish to own one. Maybe if I rub the lamp harder, Jesus will pop out and grant me my fondest desires. 

The Soul Guardians, while mildly entertaining and whiz-bang visuals, needed more evil and less goodness. Or visa versa.

Catch And Release Monsters, FBI vs. UFOs, Arabic Ghouls

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 15, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Loch Ness Monster

If you ever catch the highly-marketable Loch Ness Monster, just know that its protected by the Scottish Natural Heritage, which demands you throw the beast back in the lake, lest ye be severely punished, probably with a stick or something.

Loch Ness Monster

If you think this is not serious, guess again. The following comes from recent BBC news report; “Scottish officials have a plan ready if the Loch Ness Monster is ever caught. Officials drew up a set of guidelines on how to protect the new species — including releasing it back into its watery home.”

Loch Ness Monster

“The ‘partly serious, partly fun’ code of practice was written in 2001 by Scottish Natural Heritage, which is funded by the Scottish government. SNH said it will “dust off” the plan and put it into action should the fabled beast be discovered, reports the BBC.”

Loch Ness Monster

“It says officials should take a DNA sample from the monster so scientists can study the creature. Then it should be released back into the Loch with measures put in place to make sure it is not disturbed — as it would be an extremely rare species needing conservation.”

Loch Ness Elephant

Before you head to the corner bait shop (no, not a sushi restaurant) to get a bigger fishing pole, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not need to be thrown in a lake…

Along Came The Devil

ALONG CAME THE DEVIL (August 10, 2018)
“A troubled teen Ashley is sent to live with her estranged Aunt Tanya. While in her old hometown she has visions of her deceased mom, driving her to try to contact the spirit world putting her soul into grave danger.”

Ghoul

GHOUL (August 24, 2018/Netflix™)
“Based on Arabic folklore, Ghoul is a chilling series about a prisoner who arrives at a remote military interrogation center and turns the tables on his interrogators, exposing their most shameful secrets.”

Sound familiar? It should — it comes directly from the Stephen King TV mini series, Storm of the Century (1999). That one had a lot of weather in it.

UFO

UFO (September 4, 2018/DVD)
Derek is a brilliant college student and haunted by a childhood UFO sighting. He believes that mysterious sightings reported at multiple airports across the United States are UFOs. With the help of his girlfriend, Natalie and his advanced mathematics professor, Dr. Hendricks, Derek races to unravel the mystery with FBI special agent Franklin Ahls on his heels.”

You don’t need to be a brilliant college student to know that UFOs are real. Every high school drop out knows that.

Hell Fest

HELL FEST (September 28, 2018)
“On Halloween night, three young women and their respective boyfriends head to Hell Fest — a ghoulish traveling carnival that features a labyrinth of rides, games and mazes. They soon face a bloody night of terror when a masked serial killer turns the horror theme park into his own personal playground.”

Liked this better when it was called The Funhouse (1981). Looks like someone’s been double-dipping into idea bowl (aka, Hollywood toilet) again.