Archive for serial killer

Giving Birth To A Power Tool

Posted in Classic Horror, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 4, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning (2006) is a prequel to the 2003 Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake that didn’t need to be made in the first place. Yep, I said it.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning

Thomas had a rough start in life. First, his mom gives birth to him in a meat packing plant. Not only did she leave him behind, but the plant foreman, thinking the bloody pile of meat is contaminated after it touched the floor, chucks Thomas into a dumpster.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning

And if his day couldn’t get any worse, Thomas (later given the Christian name of Leatherface), is found by a homeless woman looking in garbage cans for nutritious food. She doesn’t eat him (he was dropped on a dirty floor and is probably teeming with germs), but drops Thomas off at the Hewitt House instead, the home of the original Chainsaw family.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning

The luck of it all is Thomas grows up and gets a job at the very same meat packing plant that was the site of his beginning. Guess who his boss is? I know, right? Thomas repays that whole “tossing the fetus in the dumpster” incident by smashing his boss’ head into a Technicolor watermelon. It’s all about closure. Until he finds inner peace, Thomas finds a chainsaw. The rest just writes itself.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning

Butchering, screaming, cannibalism, screaming, kneecap gunshot wounds, screaming, face-skinning, screaming… It’s all part of Thomas’ pastiche.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning

Way more graphic and gory than the original, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning follows the same template as the Friday the 13th sequels, just racking up body count numbers in place of a compelling storyline. And Thomas? He’s already changed his name to Jason and got a job at Camp Crystal Lake.

Soul Police

Posted in Asian Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 19, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Soul Guardians

Religious fanatics are so stupid. First, they get a bunch of people to believe in their spiritual B.S., and then get them to do a group suicide. Poor business model — no one left to pass the collection plate. 

The Soul Guardians

One woman, part of the cult who killed themselves in the name of RELIGION, survived. Clearly, she wasn’t very good at being spiritual. And she’s pregnant. Clearly, she wasn’t very good at birth control. To pay for this blasphemy she dies giving birth. Let that be a lesson to not mock RELIGION. 

The Soul Guardians

Her daughter grows up to be 20 years old. This coincides with yet another group of religious freaks committing suicide. There’s an up and down side to this scenario if you think about it. The police think a serial killer is to blame. Sort of. Three “soul guardians” show up, looking like regular people, but with mystical powers that don’t include heat vision or the ability to shoot spider webbing out of their arm holes. Too bad. But they’re here for a reason. 

The Soul Guardians

The Forces of Darkness are using the girl to help Satan get back to Earth, thereby causing more of the above. (I didn’t know Satan lived in outer space; isn’t he supposed to be at the center of Earth’s core, eating the Damned with a side of lava? Clearly, I have the wrong version of the Bible.)

The Soul Guardians

The Soul Guardians (1998; called Toemarok in its homeland of South Korea), has more visual special effects than a religious fanatic’s conception of Heaven, and looks as slick as a televangelist. But evil doesn’t look evil enough, there are no steaming entrails or vomit-covered collection plates. I have to give props to the “soul knife,” though. That thing was cool and I wish to own one. Maybe if I rub the lamp harder, Jesus will pop out and grant me my fondest desires. 

The Soul Guardians, while mildly entertaining and whiz-bang visuals, needed more evil and less goodness. Or visa versa.

Catch And Release Monsters, FBI vs. UFOs, Arabic Ghouls

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 15, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Loch Ness Monster

If you ever catch the highly-marketable Loch Ness Monster, just know that its protected by the Scottish Natural Heritage, which demands you throw the beast back in the lake, lest ye be severely punished, probably with a stick or something.

Loch Ness Monster

If you think this is not serious, guess again. The following comes from recent BBC news report; “Scottish officials have a plan ready if the Loch Ness Monster is ever caught. Officials drew up a set of guidelines on how to protect the new species — including releasing it back into its watery home.”

Loch Ness Monster

“The ‘partly serious, partly fun’ code of practice was written in 2001 by Scottish Natural Heritage, which is funded by the Scottish government. SNH said it will “dust off” the plan and put it into action should the fabled beast be discovered, reports the BBC.”

Loch Ness Monster

“It says officials should take a DNA sample from the monster so scientists can study the creature. Then it should be released back into the Loch with measures put in place to make sure it is not disturbed — as it would be an extremely rare species needing conservation.”

Loch Ness Elephant

Before you head to the corner bait shop (no, not a sushi restaurant) to get a bigger fishing pole, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not need to be thrown in a lake…

Along Came The Devil

ALONG CAME THE DEVIL (August 10, 2018)
“A troubled teen Ashley is sent to live with her estranged Aunt Tanya. While in her old hometown she has visions of her deceased mom, driving her to try to contact the spirit world putting her soul into grave danger.”

Ghoul

GHOUL (August 24, 2018/Netflix™)
“Based on Arabic folklore, Ghoul is a chilling series about a prisoner who arrives at a remote military interrogation center and turns the tables on his interrogators, exposing their most shameful secrets.”

Sound familiar? It should — it comes directly from the Stephen King TV mini series, Storm of the Century (1999). That one had a lot of weather in it.

UFO

UFO (September 4, 2018/DVD)
Derek is a brilliant college student and haunted by a childhood UFO sighting. He believes that mysterious sightings reported at multiple airports across the United States are UFOs. With the help of his girlfriend, Natalie and his advanced mathematics professor, Dr. Hendricks, Derek races to unravel the mystery with FBI special agent Franklin Ahls on his heels.”

You don’t need to be a brilliant college student to know that UFOs are real. Every high school drop out knows that.

Hell Fest

HELL FEST (September 28, 2018)
“On Halloween night, three young women and their respective boyfriends head to Hell Fest — a ghoulish traveling carnival that features a labyrinth of rides, games and mazes. They soon face a bloody night of terror when a masked serial killer turns the horror theme park into his own personal playground.”

Liked this better when it was called The Funhouse (1981). Looks like someone’s been double-dipping into idea bowl (aka, Hollywood toilet) again.

Printed Splatter, Foreign Demons, Immortal Daycare

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Sharks, Slashers, Vampires, Werewolves, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 1, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Ad Nauseam: Newsprint Nightmares from the 1980s

Before there were iPads™ and “smart tablets,” you got your news and non-porn ads from newspapers. Those things were cool — lots of pictures, tons of useless information and you never had to plug it in or recharge it. It was in those newspapers that movie companies placed ads. And in the ’80s, you got gore and slasher movie ads, which were an art form unto themselves.

Ad Nauseam: Newsprint Nightmares from the 1980s

Author/horror movie expert Michael Gingold (Fangoria, Rue Morgue, Birth.Movies.Death, Time Out New York, Scream, The FrightFest Guide to Monster Movies, Shark Movie Mania), has a new book coming out October 9, 2018 called Ad Nauseam: Newsprint Nightmares from the 1980s, a compilation of all those luridly glorious horror movie/TV ads. And even more frightening is the price: $34.95. In 1980s money, that’s worth the price of nearly 140 newspapers. That’s some serious fire hazard buying power.

Ad Nauseam: Newsprint Nightmares from the 1980s

I’m thinkin’ that the reprinted horror movie ads are all black and white, which gives ‘em a grindhouse-y aesthetic. The book might have a few color ads, though, (I’m hoping to see The Evil Dead/1981 ads in full blood-esque color).

Ad Nauseam: Newsprint Nightmares from the 1980s

While we impatiently wait for October (why won’t my homemade time tunnel work? I put new double AA batteries in it…), here are a few upcoming horror movies/TV series that may or may not be worth cutting out of a newspaper or downloaded onto your maxi-iPad™…

Wellington Paranormal

WELLINGTON PARANORMAL (July 11, 2018/New Zealand)
“The new mockumentary series follows officers Minogue and O’Leary as a pair of paranormal cops focused not just on vampires this time. New Zealand’s capital is a hotbed of supernatural activity, so Officers Minogue and O’Leary take to the streets to investigate all manner of paranormal phenomena including ghosts, demonic possession and werewolves.”

This is the TV series sequel to the incredibly hilarious What We Do In The Shadows (2014) vampire movie, and will premier July 11, 2018 on New Zealand channel TVNZ. My antennae doesn’t reach that far. Word around the antennae store, though, is the follow-up movie is tentatively titled, We’re Wolves. Flippin’ genius.

Open 24 Hours

OPEN 24 HOURS (2018)
“Mary knew her boyfriend James was the Rain Ripper serial killer. But she felt powerless to act until he forced her to watch another victim being slaughtered before her eyes — and then she set him on fire. On parole from prison despite everyone thinking she was guilty by proxy, and on medication to control her paranoid hallucinations, Mary gets a graveyard shift job at the remote Deer gas station. Then the killings begin. Is what’s happening real? Are they just blood-soaked delusions? Or does she really like to watch people murdered as her ex always intimated?”

Rain Ripper seems like a dumb name for a serial killer. And since when does a pyromaniac get a job at a gas station? That’s like me going to work for Anheuser-Busch. (Note to AB — I totally promise to stay drunk on the job, as I am a company man, through and through.)

The Witch in the Window

THE WITCH IN THE WINDOW (2018/2019/Shudder™)
“A separated father Simon and his estranged twelve-year-old son, Finn, head to Vermont to repair an old farmhouse and encounter the malicious spirit of a previous owner, an infamously cruel woman named Lydia. With every repair Simon makes, he’s also making her spirit stronger…until a terrifying encounter leaves him doubting whether he can protect his son from the evil that’s making its way into their heads and hearts.”

“Infamously cruel.” That’s some serious street cred. Looks good on a resume, though, especially when applying to work for Yelp™.

NOS4A2

NOS4A2 (2019/AMC)
“A young female artist named Vic McQueen discovers she has a supernatural connection with Charlie Manx, a seemingly immortal man who feeds off the souls of children and deposits their remains in a twisted holiday village known as Christmasland. Vic sets out to defeat Manx and rescue his victims while keeping her sanity intact.”

This one’s gonna be a TV series (whoohoo — binge time!) on AMC, and is based on the same named 2013 book by Joe Hill, Stephen King’s son. I can see why he didn’t take his dad’s last name — then he’d be “Joe King/Joking”. Heh.

30 Years of Elvira, Synthetic Sex, Black Magic Punk Rock

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Slashers, TV Vixens, Witches, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 24, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Elvira, Mistress of the Dark

Elvira (aka, Cassandra Peterson), the timeless and beautiful/bountiful horror movie hostess, is hosting a 30th Anniversary screening of her 1988 classic horror comedy movie, Elvira, Mistress of the Dark, on Thursday, October 4th in Salem, Massachusetts. Tickets are a wallet-stretching $50 general admission and are on sale now. Elvira will be 67 by the time of the screening, and to look at her now (quick, what color are her eyes?), you’d think she is still mint-in-box.

Elvira

Also times to the screening is Arrow Video’s Blu-ray releasing of the movie, which as horror movie fans know, will be the first time in its available in that format. Wish it was in 3D. Ahem.

Elvira

In Elvira, Mistress of the Dark, the cult-movie TV hostess inherits an old New England house, a poodle and a black magic cookbook. But no one ever said, “Hey, let’s go see a movie with a poodle and a black magic cookbook!” One look at Elvira and you’ll see what she so effectively uses to pay the rent. This is one time you want the event to go bust. Heh.

Here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies to watch while I go outside and get slapped in the head for my insensitive remarks…

How It Ends

HOW IT ENDS (July 13, 2018)
“As a mysterious apocalypse causes the spread of misinformation and violence, a man and his estranged father-in-law race across a chaotic and fractured country to save his pregnant wife.”

Standard post-apocalyptic scenario — go from one side of the country to the other, while navigating (pick one or more) zombies, gangs, criminals, stinky punk rock maniacs, Mad Max. I have enough trouble getting from one side of the grocery store to the other. (Why can’t they put the salted snack treats next to the beer cooler? Utter madness.)

Zoe

ZOE (July 20, 2018/Amazon Prime Video)
“Two colleagues at a revolutionary research lab design technology to improve and perfect romantic relationships. As their work progresses, their discoveries become more profound than they could ever have imagined.”

What the press release doesn’t tell you, the trailer shows: a scientist designs a synthetic chick and falls in love with it and wants to insert his hard drive into her software. Wasn’t this the subtext of Ex-Machina (2014)? On that note, inflatable love dolls are far less expensive, easier to maintain and, more importantly, clean.

Boogeyman Pop

BOOGEYMAN POP (2018)
“A bat-wielding, masked killer in a rusted-out black Cadillac weaves in and out of three interlocking stories awash in sex, drugs, punk rock, black magic, and broken homes.”

You really can’t go wrong when you mix punk rock with black magic. The rusted-out Caddie is but mere artistic expression. I hope it comes with a full tank of sex and drugs. P.S. Don’t do drugs. I’d say don’t do sex, either, as it too is a gateway drug and… Crap, I did it again — now I’m way over my head. Bailing now while I can.

Monster

MONSTER (2018)
Emily is tired of her life. In a dead-end job that she hates and an employer who takes advantage of her, she dreams of a life away from the daily grind. Her life will take an unexpected turn, however when she is snatched from work and bundled into a van. She awakes later in the isolated Remington home, a place of death and violence where depravity and horror are the norm. Led by the fearsome Richard, the undisputed head of the household, Emily discovers that the Remington’s are organizing a very special birthday party and she is the guest of honor. When the birthday boy — the Remington’s seven-foot-tall hulk of a son appears, Emily realizes she is more than just a guest and their intentions for her are much more sinister.”

Word at the bus stop is that the generically-titled Monster is a cross between The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974) and Natural Born Killers (1994). So, like, is this Bonnie and Clyde with power tools?

Heavy Metal Waffles, Homicidal Wrestlers, Shark Parade

Posted in Classic Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Sharks with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 8, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

KISS: The Demon Waffle Maker

I’ve seen a lot of KISS™ merchandise over the years, but a Gene Simmons waffle iron is probably the coolest. (It also beats my KISShome pregnancy test kit all to hell.) Designed to make “Demon Waffles” (Gene’s character), it forms otherwise pointless waffle batter into a likeness of the bass player’s famous make-up design. (Wonder why McDonald’s™ never thought of that for the Hamburgler?)

KISS: The Demon Waffle Maker

KISS The Demon Waffle Maker™ can be obtained for $39.99 plus your soul and can even be used as a sandwich press, though Gene Simmons as a gooey peanut butter and jelly sandwich doesn’t sound that rock. It measures 8.5” x 5” x 10” and is made of stainless steel, or “metal.” Heh.

While your demon-faced waffle finishes burning, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies to stick your own face into…

Monochrome

MONOCHROME (June 6, 2018)
“A disillusioned young woman becomes a serial killer targeting wealthy land-owners, forcing a brilliant detective to use his unusual neurological condition to track her down.”

Pffft! — I have the same unusual neurological condition. It’s called a hangover.

Wrestlemassacre

WERESTLEMASSACRE (July, 2018)
“Randy is an awkward groundskeeper who is obsessed with professional wrestling. Longing for a sense of belonging with grandiose dreams of becoming a wrestling superstar, Randy is only met with abject humiliation and alienation. A brutal shaming at a local wrestling school pushes Randy over the edge and lights the spark for his blood lust. Donned in wrestling gear and armed with homicidal rage, Randy sets out on a blood soaked rampage to punish those who wronged him. The only hope of putting an end to his reign of carnage lies with Becky, an understanding client who is one of the only few to ever show him kindness.”

As a fan of pro wrestling — the only TRUE sport — I look forward to this one. If you’re of like mind, check out Wrestlemaniac (2006), Pro Wrestlers vs. Zombies (2013), Santo vs. las Mujeres Vampiro (1962) and my guilty fav, Monster Brawl (2011). I usually apply choke slams on beers while watching it.

Great White

GREAT WHITE (2018)
“A blissful tourist trip quickly turns into a nightmare when five passengers on a seaplane become stranded miles from shore. In a desperate bid for survival the group try to make it to land before they either run out of supplies or are taken by the man-eating sharks lurking just beneath the surface.”

Not to be confused with the other Great White movie, an Italian-made Jaws rip-off, back in 1981. But along with this one and Discovery Channel’s™ deliciously popular Shark Week (30th anniversary) launching on July 22, 2018, this looks to be the year of the shark, all topped off by The Meg (2018) chomping its way through people floating on inner tubes as if wet donuts.

Hellboy: Rise of the Blood Queen

HELLBOY (January 11, 2019)
“The new story sees the hero squaring off against a medieval sorceress who seeks to destroy humankind.”

One of no doubt many new sales art representations of the Hellboy: Rise of the Blood Queen movie. I first tagged this one on June 27, 2017. That key art was illustrated so as to keep kinetic with the graphic novels. But I like this one better as Hellboy himself looks pretty Hell-y.

The Boogeyman Should Blow His Nose

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on April 27, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Boogeyman 2

Nine year-old Laura and her 11 year-old brother Henry witnessed the serial killer known as the  Boogeyman use their parents’ necks for a place to put his knife while adjusting his killer (ahem) black hood. Personally, I would’ve put the knife in the dishwasher.

Boogeyman 2

Ten years in and out of a mental institution dealing with their life-crippling fear of the dark and all things Boogeymen, Henry and Laura are still being counseled by a “face your fears, you pussies” medical director. Joining them are  five other pre-adults dealing with their mental clogged toilet: bugs under the skin, fear of being in public, fear of getting fat, fear of germs… (What — no fear of non-alcoholic beer?)

Boogeyman 2Laura is a screaming hottie, with emphasis on screaming, now that the therapy has failed and the Boogeyman is back to finish what he started a decade ago. Everyone is being dispatched by the thing they fear the most. One kid gets chopped in half by an elevator. (I take the stairs, so that entertained me.) One girl with a fear of bugs gets maggots poured into open wounds. (I don’t have open wounds, so again, highly entertaining.) Additional deaths are just as creative and enjoyable.

Boogeyman 2

While the first half of Boogeyman 2 (2007) is boring horror crap (the premise is the same as A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors (1987), the second half delivers some excellent gore and a “sex-while-standing-up” scene. (Not as comfortable as it looks.)

Boogeyman 2

The Boogeyman himself isn’t a supernatural entity, though they try to make you believe otherwise. If you can’t guess who/what/he/she is by the half-hour mark, you need to have maggots poured into your open wounds. Even as clichéd as it is, this sequel is slightly better than the first Boogeyman (2005), whose main evil character just wasn’t that attractive.