Archive for June, 2011

Spores – A Meatier Meteor

Posted in Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , on June 30, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

SporesWikipedia™ defines a spore as a reproductive structure that is adapted for dispersal and surviving for extended periods of time in unfavorable conditions. Hence, the spores on the cheese I left in my malfunctioning fridge for 16 months are doing fine, thank you.

Cheese spores are one thing. Alien spores, however, come with a whole new set of rules. In the new Russian sci-fi creature feature Spores, some young chicks and dudes, out bumming around instead of looking for work, stumble upon a meteorite in an abandoned Soviet factory that may or may not have been used to make vodka. The meteorite had space spores stuck to it, and when it got to Earth, planted the seeds of an otherworldly monster to grow. Yep, cheese in a fridge gone wild. (Also the premise for Monsters/2010. The space spores, not the fridge spores.)

SporesThe monster reminds me a lot of the Predator dog, the one that likes to chew on bones. In your leg. While you’re still using ’em. But this new creature, whom I shall refer to as Space Mouth, has but one thing on his mind – eating Russians. (I hear they’re kinda gamey.)

SporesWikipedia™ goes on to say that spores form part of the life cycles of many bacteria, plants, algae, fungi and some protozoa. That they’ll end your life cycle is bittersweet irony. Also highly entertaining from an “outside of the fridge” perspective.

Ghost Sex

Posted in Ghosts with tags on June 29, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Ragini MMSWould you have X-rated sex with your poke buddy if you knew there was a ghost watching all the hot monkey action going down? Kind of a mood killer, but I’d be OK with that just as long as the ghost wasn’t, you know, standing there making ectoplasm, if you catch my drift.

That’s kinda the plot of the Paranormal Activity-inspired India horror movie, Ragini MMS, which came out in May, 2011. I had planned to take a bus to India to see it, but got lost in Jaipur, outside of New Deli, which I totally thought was a sandwich shop.

Ragini MMSRagini is the name of the dirty girl who puts out for Uday, her boyfriend, in a house rigged with cameras all over the place. The idea is to film their shame and then sell it on the internet for many rupees. But while they’re rubbing ankles, the cameras catch a poltergeist getting a front row view. MMS is in reference to Multimedia Messaging Service, or MMS, which is a standard way to send messages that include multimedia content to and from mobile phones. Apparently, the mobile phone was being used for close-ups.

The movie’s website tells us the cameras that were meant to capture lovemaking (i.e., hot monkey action) play witness to “something that is beyond the realm of human understanding…something metaphysical.” So either Ragini MMS is an erotic twist on the Paranormal Activity phenomenon, or just another fetish movie for all you creepy internet sex freaks.

For more enjoyable ghost sex, might I recommend Ghost in a Teeny Bikini (2006). It’s loaded with more micro swimwear and hard-R rated ankle rubbing than you could shake your stick at. Or to.

Ghost In A Teeny Bikini

Aliens Vs. Avatars

Posted in Science Fiction with tags on June 28, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Aliens Vs. AvatarsA new bout in the mash-up wars, this one pitting Aliens against Avatars. Kinda redundant given that Avatars are aliens themselves. OK, the Smurf version of aliens, but I believe I’ve made my point.

In the sci-fi comedy romp Aliens Vs. Avatars, an extraterrestrial, part of the species known as the Scythe, is running around on Earth, licking up all our juicy DNA. Once consumed, our Earth spooge allows the alien to morph into that which has been gargled. Ick.

Meanwhile, a supermodel chick Avatar is sent to make him knock it the heck off. I thought it was none of her business until I found out the Avatars created the Scythe in the first place. I get doing damage control, but dang – to be responsible for the alien that’s going all nutbag on us is not cool. We’re gonna need some compensation for all of this problem causing. I’m thinkin’ a lunar reach-around for starters.

Aliens Vs. AvatarsAlso appearing in Aliens Vs. Avatars is a sidekick robot (always a good plot device), chicks in bikinis (required) and more blood than you can shake an absorbent feminine product at. Oh, and there’s a bunch of college goons out camping who get caught up in the middle of all this “skin to win” warfare.

I would like to see this movie now, but will have to wait until it’s released on September 20, 2011. That day isn’t good for me as I have some stuff I’m supposed to do. I’ll call the movie company and get them to bump up the date. It’s the least they can do.

Zombie Drugs

Posted in Zombies with tags on June 27, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Zombie DrugsDrugs will rot you from the inside out, which is why I chose the alcoholic lifestyle. It’s refreshing, easy to score and makes you way glamorous. But don’t drink if you’re under 21 because it’s illegal and alcohol will f*ck you up hardcore.

Zombie Drugs, an upcoming horror comedy, is about Vinny and Sebastion, two high school burnouts, searching for the perfect high while fending off the mob, frat boys and zombies. This would never happen if those guys drank sweet alcohol instead of injesting drugs. Disclaimer: I have seen zombie drunks – not pretty.

Zombie DrugsThe trailer for Zombie Drugs looks pretty funny even if you can’t relate to a pharmaceutical lifestyle. There’s a couple of hot chicks in it, one being a Goth. (Since she’s highly attractive, I’ll lower my standards just this once.) I don’t know if the drugs cause you to become a zombie, or if you already are one and are looking to score. No word on whether or not brains are eaten.

FYI: There’s a website called Zombies on Drugs, but I was denied entry into this little club as they ask you to sign up ’n stuff. If I’m ever to realize my dream of becoming a heavy metal astronaut, being a member of Zombies on Drugs won’t look too good on my NASA application.

Zombies on Drugs

There’s also Scopolamine, highly illegal street crud that is referred to as the Zombie Drug, because it makes the users appear completely sober and rational, but they’re just mindless drones. (Who needs drugs? I can do that all on my own.) The downside is the drug can cause death. And not a movie death, either. Sorry to report, but you won’t be coming back to life and eating the brains of the living.

Stay away from drugs, crack a rack of brew and watch Zombie Drugs when it comes out and let the repercussions of bad choices happen to someone else for a change.

Malaysian Ghosts For Rent

Posted in Asian Horror, Ghosts with tags , on June 26, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Flat 3AFlat 3A. Sounds like a bra size. And yet, it has nothing to do with diminutive boobage and everything to do with paranormal activities.

In other countries an apartment is referred to as a flat. Flat 3A probably refers to the mailing address of the titular haunted apartment. A young couple who have unprotected sex have just moved into a new flat (that sounded weird), only to discover the darn place is spook-fortified. This causes a lot of staining of the carpets and such. Bye-bye damage deposit.

A FlatFlat 3A is a Malaysian horror movie and premieres July, 2011. But if you live in India, you saw a similar movie in November of 2010. In A Flat (gripping title – that’ll put butts in movie seats), some guy travels all the way from the apartment-filled U.S. to make up/make out with his girlfriend. He stays in a flat inhabited by a ghost that won’t let him leave to go get groceries or toilet paper. I’d have to look at the lease agreement, but I’m pretty sure double occupancy is not allowed.

The trailer for Flat 3A is pretty bloody and there’s a bathtub abortion scene that you may want to watch after you finish eating a meatloaf soaking in tomato sauce. The trailer for A Flat is boring and doesn’t show the ghost floating around or making doors open and shut by themselves.

I’m more gooned out, however, over the term flat as a reference to an affordable living space. Flat should only be used to describe pancakes, tone-deaf singers, TV screens and car tires, not female chests or apartments. I’m sorry, but that’s just the way I was brought up.

Korean Ghosts Spice Up Your Life

Posted in Asian Horror, Ghosts with tags , on June 25, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

White: The Curse of the MelodyIt’s like Ringu (1998), but with dance moves. White: The Curse of the Melody, a Korean horror movie (or “film”) recently released in Korea Land, deals with an all-girl pop group called Pink Dolls who find an old videotape (whatever that is) of a music video. Thankfully for us, it has a curse on it. Once the band plays it, they become haunted in half. I wonder if this has ever happened to the Spice Girls? I really, really hope not.

White: The Curse of the MelodyAs the band tries super duper hard to get people to notice them (might I suggest performing without top?), the girls hook up with an agency. In the office of that talent representative (I could’ve said agency again, but that would’ve been redundant) Eun-ju, the rapper of the band, finds the cursed video. The band decides to re-do the song and call it “White.” (Boring – they should’ve called it “Ghosts Rip My Neck.”) Not surprisingly, the song becomes a hit…and that’s when the hauntings ramp up because someone didn’t give the poltergeists songwriting credits or royalties.

White: Curse of the MelodyIn all, White: The Curse of the Melody, seems a bit on the horror lite side. I should probably shut the hell up until I see it, though. Afterwards I could say something like, “Needed more die, kill, bleed and less Revlon™.” Anything to (wait for it) spice up your life. Ahem.

Spice Ghosts

Minimalist Horror, Economic Sci-Fi

Posted in Classic Horror, Science Fiction with tags , on June 24, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

BrickhutIf you’re gonna call yourself Brickhut, you better be really good at one of two things: a bar fight over a botched game of “Go Fish,” or a graphic designer with a wicked eye for minimalist impact. Brickhut is indeed really good at one of those. Hint: He doesn’t play “Go Fish” in bars.

BrickhutBrickhut, who describes himself as “designer. watcher. eater. drinker.,” has released a series of movie poster minimalist designs, geniusly (yes, that’s a word) reinterpreting everything from Aliens (1986) and Dawn of the Dead (1978), to War of the Worlds (2005) and Close Encounters (1977). He even did Jaws (1975). And he did that one using fish gut leakings instead of paint. OK, not really.

Brickhut There’s more of Brickhut’s work on the flippin’ cool or his cool blog [click HERE], where you’ll see even more killer stripped down impressions of horror and sci-fi movies like Ghostbusters (1984; you thought it was a ghost comedy, but it’s really torture porn), The Birds (1963; feathered, winged, bipedal, endothermic, egg-laying, vertebrate gangstas), and Star Wars (1977; a soap opera with face disintegrators).

There’s lots more I’d report on, but I’m far too busy learning how to lose gracefully at “Go Fish” with some bikers without resorting to pool cue head-bashing and cruel name-calling.