Spores – A Meatier Meteor

Wikipedia™ defines a spore as a reproductive structure that is adapted for dispersal and surviving for extended periods of time in unfavorable conditions. Hence, the spores on the cheese I left in my malfunctioning fridge for 16 months are doing fine, thank you.

Cheese spores are one thing. Alien spores, however, come with a whole new set of rules. In the new Russian sci-fi creature feature Spores, some young chicks and dudes, out bumming around instead of looking for work, stumble upon a meteorite in an abandoned Soviet factory that may or may not have been used to make vodka. The meteorite had space spores stuck to it, and when it got to Earth, planted the seeds of an otherworldly monster to grow. Yep, cheese in a fridge gone wild. (Also the premise for Monsters/2010. The space spores, not the fridge spores.)

The monster reminds me a lot of the Predator dog, the one that likes to chew on bones. In your leg. While you’re still using ’em. But this new creature, whom I shall refer to as Space Mouth, has but one thing on his mind – eating Russians. (I hear they’re kinda gamey.)

Wikipedia™ goes on to say that spores form part of the life cycles of many bacteria, plants, algae, fungi and some protozoa. That they’ll end your life cycle is bittersweet irony. Also highly entertaining from an “outside of the fridge” perspective.

Ghost Sex

Would you have X-rated sex with your poke buddy if you knew there was a ghost watching all the hot monkey action going down? Kind of a mood killer, but I’d be OK with that just as long as the ghost wasn’t, you know, standing there making ectoplasm, if you catch my drift.

That’s kinda the plot of the Paranormal Activity-inspired India horror movie, Ragini MMS, which came out in May, 2011. I had planned to take a bus to India to see it, but got lost in Jaipur, outside of New Deli, which I totally thought was a sandwich shop.

Ragini is the name of the dirty girl who puts out for Uday, her boyfriend, in a house rigged with cameras all over the place. The idea is to film their shame and then sell it on the internet for many rupees. But while they’re rubbing ankles, the cameras catch a poltergeist getting a front row view. MMS is in reference to Multimedia Messaging Service, or MMS, which is a standard way to send messages that include multimedia content to and from mobile phones. Apparently, the mobile phone was being used for close-ups.

The movie’s website tells us the cameras that were meant to capture lovemaking (i.e., hot monkey action) play witness to “something that is beyond the realm of human understanding…something metaphysical.” So either Ragini MMS is an erotic twist on the Paranormal Activity phenomenon, or just another fetish movie for all you creepy internet sex freaks.

For more enjoyable ghost sex, might I recommend Ghost in a Teeny Bikini (2006). It’s loaded with more micro swimwear and hard-R rated ankle rubbing than you could shake your stick at. Or to.

Aliens Vs. Avatars

A new bout in the mash-up wars, this one pitting Aliens against Avatars. Kinda redundant given that Avatars are aliens themselves. OK, the Smurf version of aliens, but I believe I’ve made my point.

In the sci-fi comedy romp Aliens Vs. Avatars, an extraterrestrial, part of the species known as the Scythe, is running around on Earth, licking up all our juicy DNA. Once consumed, our Earth spooge allows the alien to morph into that which has been gargled. Ick.

Meanwhile, a supermodel chick Avatar is sent to make him knock it the heck off. I thought it was none of her business until I found out the Avatars created the Scythe in the first place. I get doing damage control, but dang – to be responsible for the alien that’s going all nutbag on us is not cool. We’re gonna need some compensation for all of this problem causing. I’m thinkin’ a lunar reach-around for starters.

Also appearing in Aliens Vs. Avatars is a sidekick robot (always a good plot device), chicks in bikinis (required) and more blood than you can shake an absorbent feminine product at. Oh, and there’s a bunch of college goons out camping who get caught up in the middle of all this “skin to win” warfare.

I would like to see this movie now, but will have to wait until it’s released on September 20, 2011. That day isn’t good for me as I have some stuff I’m supposed to do. I’ll call the movie company and get them to bump up the date. It’s the least they can do.

Zombie Drugs

Drugs will rot you from the inside out, which is why I chose the alcoholic lifestyle. It’s refreshing, easy to score and makes you way glamorous. But don’t drink if you’re under 21 because it’s illegal and alcohol will f*ck you up hardcore.

Zombie Drugs, an upcoming horror comedy, is about Vinny and Sebastion, two high school burnouts, searching for the perfect high while fending off the mob, frat boys and zombies. This would never happen if those guys drank sweet alcohol instead of injesting drugs. Disclaimer: I have seen zombie drunks – not pretty.

The trailer for Zombie Drugs looks pretty funny even if you can’t relate to a pharmaceutical lifestyle. There’s a couple of hot chicks in it, one being a Goth. (Since she’s highly attractive, I’ll lower my standards just this once.) I don’t know if the drugs cause you to become a zombie, or if you already are one and are looking to score. No word on whether or not brains are eaten.

FYI: There’s a website called Zombies on Drugs, but I was denied entry into this little club as they ask you to sign up ’n stuff. If I’m ever to realize my dream of becoming a heavy metal astronaut, being a member of Zombies on Drugs won’t look too good on my NASA application.

There’s also Scopolamine, highly illegal street crud that is referred to as the Zombie Drug, because it makes the users appear completely sober and rational, but they’re just mindless drones. (Who needs drugs? I can do that all on my own.) The downside is the drug can cause death. And not a movie death, either. Sorry to report, but you won’t be coming back to life and eating the brains of the living.

Stay away from drugs, crack a rack of brew and watch Zombie Drugs when it comes out and let the repercussions of bad choices happen to someone else for a change.

Malaysian Ghosts For Rent

Flat 3A. Sounds like a bra size. And yet, it has nothing to do with diminutive boobage and everything to do with paranormal activities.

In other countries an apartment is referred to as a flat. Flat 3A probably refers to the mailing address of the titular haunted apartment. A young couple who have unprotected sex have just moved into a new flat (that sounded weird), only to discover the darn place is spook-fortified. This causes a lot of staining of the carpets and such. Bye-bye damage deposit.

Flat 3A is a Malaysian horror movie and premieres July, 2011. But if you live in India, you saw a similar movie in November of 2010. In A Flat (gripping title – that’ll put butts in movie seats), some guy travels all the way from the apartment-filled U.S. to make up/make out with his girlfriend. He stays in a flat inhabited by a ghost that won’t let him leave to go get groceries or toilet paper. I’d have to look at the lease agreement, but I’m pretty sure double occupancy is not allowed.

The trailer for Flat 3A is pretty bloody and there’s a bathtub abortion scene that you may want to watch after you finish eating a meatloaf soaking in tomato sauce. The trailer for A Flat is boring and doesn’t show the ghost floating around or making doors open and shut by themselves.

I’m more gooned out, however, over the term flat as a reference to an affordable living space. Flat should only be used to describe pancakes, tone-deaf singers, TV screens and car tires, not female chests or apartments. I’m sorry, but that’s just the way I was brought up.

Korean Ghosts Spice Up Your Life

It’s like Ringu (1998), but with dance moves. White: The Curse of the Melody, a Korean horror movie (or “film”) recently released in Korea Land, deals with an all-girl pop group called Pink Dolls who find an old videotape (whatever that is) of a music video. Thankfully for us, it has a curse on it. Once the band plays it, they become haunted in half. I wonder if this has ever happened to the Spice Girls? I really, really hope not.

As the band tries super duper hard to get people to notice them (might I suggest performing without top?), the girls hook up with an agency. In the office of that talent representative (I could’ve said agency again, but that would’ve been redundant) Eun-ju, the rapper of the band, finds the cursed video. The band decides to re-do the song and call it “White.” (Boring – they should’ve called it “Ghosts Rip My Neck.”) Not surprisingly, the song becomes a hit…and that’s when the hauntings ramp up because someone didn’t give the poltergeists songwriting credits or royalties.

In all, White: The Curse of the Melody, seems a bit on the horror lite side. I should probably shut the hell up until I see it, though. Afterwards I could say something like, “Needed more die, kill, bleed and less Revlon™.” Anything to (wait for it) spice up your life. Ahem.

Minimalist Horror, Economic Sci-Fi

If you’re gonna call yourself Brickhut, you better be really good at one of two things: a bar fight over a botched game of “Go Fish,” or a graphic designer with a wicked eye for minimalist impact. Brickhut is indeed really good at one of those. Hint: He doesn’t play “Go Fish” in bars.

Brickhut, who describes himself as “designer. watcher. eater. drinker.,” has released a series of movie poster minimalist designs, geniusly (yes, that’s a word) reinterpreting everything from Aliens (1986) and Dawn of the Dead (1978), to War of the Worlds (2005) and Close Encounters (1977). He even did Jaws (1975). And he did that one using fish gut leakings instead of paint. OK, not really.

 There’s more of Brickhut’s work on the flippin’ cool GeekTyrant.com or his cool blog [click HERE], where you’ll see even more killer stripped down impressions of horror and sci-fi movies like Ghostbusters (1984; you thought it was a ghost comedy, but it’s really torture porn), The Birds (1963; feathered, winged, bipedal, endothermic, egg-laying, vertebrate gangstas), and Star Wars (1977; a soap opera with face disintegrators).

There’s lots more I’d report on, but I’m far too busy learning how to lose gracefully at “Go Fish” with some bikers without resorting to pool cue head-bashing and cruel name-calling.

Romanian Vampires

In Romania, “Strigoi” are troubled souls of the dead rising from the grave. In America, we call that a 9-to-5 job. Some cool traits of the Strigoi is the ability to change into an animal (raccoon, penguin, poisonous squirrel with red eyes), and the knack for draining victims of their blood. In other words, vampires.

Strigoi is a new comedy horror film headed this-a-way on August 2, 2011. The film’s website claims that Strigoi is a vampire movie that defies categorization. (Hey, ding dongs – you just categorized it by referring to it as a vampire movie.)

A 20-something dude who calls himself Vlad has to move back to his grandfather’s farm in an old Romanian village. Said farm has hot and cold running chickens, a four-legged assortment of soon-to-be-lunch meats and a rotary phone. On the cusp of the future, this village.

Once there Vlad is tossed face first into a murder mystery. (Too bad it wasn’t cow flop, as that would be quite amusing.) A quest to find the truth leads Vlad to Tirescus, the richest/meanest landowners in town. Every Eastern European village has at least one of those. But what Vlad discovers is that Mr. and Mrs. Tirescus are vampires. If I was a vampire I’d probably wanna hang out in places where you could walk around without getting cow flop on your shoes. But hey, when in Romania…

If the outline doesn’t sell you, check out some of the advance press. “Forget cheap shocks and teen sex. This is a serious and seriously black comedy” – Now Magazine. “A true work of art that breathes new, intelligent life into the vampire genre” – Pop Journalism. “Witty and unpredictable – [Strigoi] will impress fans” – Variety.

Cool, I suppose. Though I will miss the cheap shocks and teen sex.

The Coffin They Carry You Off In

If you live in Thailand – and most of you probably do – you’re likely aware of an ancient Thai burial ritual after you kick the incense burner. First, they put your soulless meat bag in a coffin where guests show up in dark clothes to pay respects/party/touch your stuff. And hey, you get a free Coke™ (I’m totally not making that up.) The soon-to-be fertilizer that was you is kept in a house for seven days before seeing how flammable you’ve become. (On the eighth day, Pine-Sol™ City.) During those first six days monks come over and pray (probably that you don’t come back to life and eat your guests). And they put flowers around your coffin because, hey – visible stink fumes.

The ONLY reason I bring this up is to remind myself to never die in Thailand. OK, that and to introduce you to the hit Thai horror thriller, The Coffin, which broke records in 2008 for the highest grossing movie of all time in Thailand. Apparently, everyone there can relate to the subject matter.

The Coffin has two strangers meeting after their lives have been f’d up by tragedy. Su, a chick missing an “e” in her name, has been diagnosed with lung cancer just days before her wedding. (Best to not wear white.) Chris, on the other side of the bad luck coin, has a longtime girlfriend who has fallen into a mysterious coma. (No big – most girls I’ve ever dated do the same thing when I try and get to third base.)

Both Su and Chris need to purge themselves of bad karma, and heard about an f’d up ritual that has a living person get into a coffin and pretend to be dead in order to double flush your inner bad juju. That would totally creep me out, so I wouldn’t do it. Unless I was really drunk. Then I’d pimp out my coffin with some cool punk rock stickers and pictures of Dracula and…never mind.

Soon, Su’s cancer disappears and Chris’ girlfriend wakes up in the mood. But Su and Chris have only a short time to celebrate as they’ve disrupted the Laws of Karmic Balance (or something like that) and paranormal sh*t hits the fans.

Sounds cool. The Coffin releases here in the States on August 30, 2011. Unless you die first and monks pray that you don’t come back to life and rent it.

The Rift: Power To The Peephole

Privacy in this decade is an illusion. You can’t take a dump in public or share a romantic interlude behind a 7-Eleven™ with your new soulmate you just met at the bowling alley without someone capturing the exchange of bodily fluids and posting it on Facebook™ and YouTube™.  It’s bad enough ghosts can see everything you do. Same with angels, who catch you having a non-religious personal moment, and fly off and tell God. But in this day of diminishing individual privacy, it’s even more disheartening to find out aliens, or whatever they are, have been peeping at us for years as well. And that makes me mad.

The Rift, a metaphor for our political system, is a new movie about something in the sky keeping tabs on us, and attempts to expose those intergalactic voyeurs and give them an Earth frowning of a lifetime. Hey, it’s OK to come to our planet and browse, but keep your probes out of my grill.

Ivan Petrenko Karkarov is the Russian physicist who first noted the phenomenon back in 1982. He uncovered the answer as to who or what has been watching us shower and touching ourselves in a pleasing manner. But before he could expose them, he mysteriously disappeared off Earth’s marquee. Now, thirty years later, weirdo radar anomalies start popping up around the world and black rifts appear in the sky. And inside those rifts something is moving – and it’s watching us.

Theories as to what WTF is going on:

1. A big upgrade to Google™ Maps.

2. God has more than one eyeball and is not a Cyclops as first theorized.

3. The aforementioned aliens surfing for amateur Earth porn.

4. Whoever is left in The Phantom Zone after Lex Luther figured out how to dick with Superman yet again by unlocking the door.

5. High-tech intersection cameras to catch and ticket even more red light runners. (Note to City of Seattle – you’ll get your blood money soon enough, you parasites.)

P.S. There was another movie called The Rift, which came out in 1990. It had more to do with submarines, mutated sea monsters and kelp viruses that turn you into Seaweed Face than aliens peep-holing us. And yet both movies invade your personal space. You just have to decide which is the lesser of two intrusions.

I’ll take my chances with the kelp.