Archive for creatures

Possessed Mirrors, Legacy Killers, Neighborhood UFOs

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Slashers, UFOs, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 5, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Dobaara: See Your Evil

Been on Mufon.com (Mutual UFO Network) again lately, a site that among other things documents UFO sightings in real time. Apparently, while I was watching episodes of Supergirl, iZombie, The Flash and Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. last night, my neighborhood was being buzzed by no less than seven UFOS. That my neighborhood is situated along the flight path to the Sea-Tac Airport is but a mere coincidence.

UFOs cruising the hood and they didn’t have the decency to honk and wave going by? Speaking of things you may or may not to be oblivious of, here’s a few upcoming horror/sci-fi flicks (or “movies”) that may or may not require your attention…

DOBAARA: SEE YOUR EVIL (June 2, 2017)
“Natasha and Kabeer Merchant come across a strange mirror while dealing with the death of their parents.”

A haunted mirror story, this one being from Bollywood and based on Oculus (2013) to the point of copyright infringement. There have been dozens of haunted mirror movies through the ages. And they all owe their plots to The Picture of Dorian Grey (1945), the story of a cursed portrait painting. They didn’t have mirrors back in the ’40s, so people had to paint picture selfies to see what they looked like. Problem is, if you had hot dog mustard on your upper lip at the time of the painting… You can see why mirrors had to be invented.

Awakening The Zodiac

AWAKENING THE ZODIAC (June 9, 2017/VOD/Limited)
“A down-on-their-luck couple discovers a serial killer’s film reels. They decide to take the law into their own hands, risking everything for the chance at a $100,000 reward. It isn’t long until they find themselves in the killer’s lethal cross-hairs.”

This one’s based on the real-life Zodiac Killer, who back in the late ‘60s, killed a bunch of people in California and was never caught. Things might have ended differently if he tried doing his dirty deeds in Gotham City.

Violent Staar

VIOLENT STARR (2017)
“Peace in the galaxy — or whats left of it — is crumbling. The evil god-like creature, the GODMICHAEL, a giant head floating in space and his evil minions are swarming out to eliminate creatures and races that the Godmichael deems “unworthy.”

Godmichael. Sounds like a name for a Christian metal band. As for the giant floating head, been done — in 1974. What, you haven’t seen Zardoz? If you wanna see a giant floating head, start there. Or look in the mirror, you stoners — ha!

Still/Born

STILL/BORN (2017/2018)
“Mary, a new mother who lost one of her twins in childbirth. While she struggles with the loss of one of her children, she starts to suspect something sinister is after her surviving child — a supernatural entity that has chosen her child and will stop at nothing to take it from her.”

Evil follows kids around like ice cream trucks. The horror movie theme of a supernatural entity taking kids away from their parents is nothing new, though. This was the bone structure of Rosemary’s Baby (1968), The Omen franchise (1976 — 2006) and It (1990). A similar one to watch is Stephen King’s Storm of the Century (1999). It’s like they combined evil with a bad weather report. Neat!

UFOs, Nightmares, Fog Monsters, Bigfoot

Posted in Aliens, Bigfoot, Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 20, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Unacknowledged

Watched YET ANOTHER Bigfoot documentary (I’ve pretty much seen ‘em all) and one “expert” (he’s not, I am) claims that there’s thousands of the highly marketable cryptid. Gonna have to call baloney puckey on that one. Do the math — there’s only ONE true Bigfoot. But hey, where did he come from? Wouldn’t he have had parents? What about a grandma who sends him a new sweater every Christmas? Those and many more questions will be answered when Bigfoot says so, not some dumbass “expert.” Uh, oh — I think I just called myself a dumbass. Oh well — not the first time.

Anyway, more mysterious horror/sci-fi topics being addressed in these upcoming films, of which I’m probably an expert at. Ahem.

UNACKNOWLEDGED (May 9, 2017/iTunes™)
Unacknowledged focuses on the historic files of the Disclosure Project and how UFO secrecy has been ruthlessly enforced — and why. The best evidence for extraterrestrial contact, dating back decades, is presented with direct top-secret witness testimony, documents and UFO footage, 80% of which has never been revealed anywhere else.”

About flippin’ time. UFOs are real and everybody knows it. Getting them to admit it, on film even, is the tough part. Unacknowledged is headed up by Dr. Steven Greer, a guy who put his reputation on the line by going up against the government and petitioning them to come clean with the E.T. goods. I’d go to him for medical/conspiracy services. Heck, when you think about, he’s probably really good at proctology. Don’t make me explain this.

Backwood Madness

BACKWOOD MADNESS (2017)
Backwood Madness is a horror fantasy movie that bustles with trolls and goblins. Situated during the second World War, it tells a story about a conflict between men and creatures of the forest. The main character is struggling with his own mysterious past that is taking events towards the inevitable collision with destiny.”

Haven’t seen a good troll since Troll Hunter (2010), so puttin’ this on my “to do” list taped to the kitchen mop (that’s on the “to-do”list as well). And with the addition of goblins, maybe Hollywood can make up for those goblins in the steaming pile of fantasy mess that was Legend (1985).

Flesh of the Void

FLESH OF THE VOID (2017)
“The film was shot almost entirely on expired Super 8 film from the ’80s, and is intended as a trip through the deepest fears of human beings, exploring its subject in a highly grotesque, violent and extreme manner. It’s 80 minutes of pure Hell, playing out like a non linear, psychedelic nightmare.”

This on sounds both icky and must-see at the same time. Kinda like watching an octopus attack on a ocean-wading tourist in a loud shirt drinking a margarita. And the words “highly grotesque” and “psychedelic nightmare” go together like “octopus” and “tourist with a loud shirt and margarita.”

Marrowbone

EL SECRETO DE MARROWBONE (October 27, 2017/Spain)
“A young man and his four younger siblings, who have kept secret the death of their beloved mother in order to remain together, are plagued by a sinister presence in the sprawling manor in which they live.”

Theorized (and probably right) spoiler: It’s their baby-sitter who never got paid for watching the brats.

The Mist

THE MIST (2017/Netflix™)
“After an eerie mist rolls into a small town, the residents must battle the mysterious mist and its threats, fighting to maintain morality and sanity.”

This, of course, is the TV series version of the not-too-shabby 2007 movie of the same name, based on one of Stephen King’s better sessions at the typewriter. It’s not a spoiler to casually mention there are mutated creatures that live in the mist or “fog.” I like the idea of a TV series as it will flesh out that angle and maybe show us how the military opened another dimension and let the bed bugs in. I’ll be taking notes.

African Loch Ness Monster

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 12, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Dinosaur Project

A helicopter carrying a famed British cryptozoologist explorer with a cool adventure hat, a guide, a hot chick, a two-man film crew, and the guy’s 15 year-old stowaway son are taken out by prehistoric flying reptiles, one of which gets a taste of modern technology by the chopper blades. They were on their way over Africa to research — and film — dinosaurs, specificially Mokele mnembe (river monster), reported to be thriving deep in the unexplored jungle where no 7-Eleven™ dare sets up shop.

The Dinosaur Project

Those not killed in the crash get eaten by the bat-like birds, one of which is the hottie female assistant. I think she had three lines before her chewy death. Enough for an IMBD.com credit, I suppose.

The Dinosaur Project

With all communications equipment crunched, the survivors plod through the jungle and down a river in search of a 7-Eleven™ and safety. Good plan — too bad it doesn’t work. Mokele mnembe shows up to flip the boats and have some land sushi. “It’s the African version of the Loch Ness monster, but more plausible” declares the explorer, whose hat never comes off, even when battling river monsters.

The Dinosaur Project

This is all filmed with a bunch of GoPro™ cameras that the 15 year-old kid brings. (He has seven, none of which runs out of juice and always seems to stay in focus.) He manages to strap one on to a small raptor to see where it goes. (He feed it candy to gain its trust. That trick always works with me as well.)

The Dinosaur Project

The small group of leapin’ lizards are remotely viewed on an iPad™ going into a grotto and into the secret valley where all the dinosaurs do their business. Unfortunately, the explorer’s “right hand man,” who never gets any of the TV glory, goes rogue and tries to kill the boy, pushing him down the dino-hole. Fortunately, the GoPros™ are still going pro.

The Dinosaur Project

The Dinosaur Project (2012) is actually not as dumb as you’d imagine. A mash-up of The Land That Time Forgot (1975), The People That Time Forgot (1977), Journey to the Center of the Earth, (2008), Land of the Lost (2009) and Jurassic Park (1993), the monsters look fairly convincing, the “found footage” is found and tells the whole story about the dinoaurs and the hat always stays on the head. Although it probably came off after going over that cliff. Oh, snap — did I just spoil the party?

The Dinosaur Project

P.S. Full Discolsure — I previewed this one back on October 14 of 2011. My neighbor was being a dick that day that day. But as the film had as yet to be released, the promo pics showed dino-monsters that never made it to the final cut. So I’m legally off the hook for that misrepresentation. And to that I say “whew!”

Vampire Princesses, Serial Killers, Chick Robots

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Ghosts, Giant Monsters, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Slashers, TV Vixens, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 3, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Last Vampire Princess

I’ve long known that the National UFO Reporting Center is located in Davenport, right here in Washington State, just shy of a five hour easterly drive from where I’m lounging around in my unmentionables. Thought it might be cool to call them up and chat about all things unidentified and/or flying. Didn’t have any sightings to tell them about, just wanted to see what’s up with UFOs these days. (269 reports in February — down from 310 in January. Maybe flying saucers aren’t beer-running as much now that Amazon Prime™ delivers right to your styrofoam fridge.)

Here’s their number in case you want to report an alien invasion: (206) 722-3000. Or if you don’t have a phone (social misfit), visit their website at www.nuforc.org. They do important work.

And on an unrelated topic, here are some identified new horror movies landing soon near you…

THE LAST VAMPIRE PRINCESS (March 16, 2017/UK – 2017/2018 U.S.)
“Pasha is a delivery boy for an express delivery service in Moscow. One evening he is delivering a parcel to a hotel, when he witnesses an attack on a mysterious guest of the hotel named Dana. Pasha steps in and saves the girl from her attackers, who possess amazing, supernatural powers. Representatives of secret intelligence agencies arrive on the scene of the incident and proceed to offering Pasha a job in the top secret Department D that deals with evil spirits, performing daily accounting and control of all the non-human creatures that live in the city, such as poltergeists, goblins and mermaids.”

Man, this one sounds cool. I wanna work for Department D — might be my only chance to hook up (heh) with a mermaid.

The Abduction of Jennifer Grayson

THE ABDUCTION OF JENNIFER GRAYSON (March 28, 2017)
“Kidnapped after spurning a man’s advances, a young woman slowly falls for the charms of her captor. He eventually sets her free, but is he the serial killer the police have been hunting for? Only Jennifer Grayson can help them stop him once and for all.”

Not a fan of serial killer horror movies. They’re like the karaoke of violence. That, and since we see this stuff all the time in real life and at the grocery store, who really cares?

Sheborg Massacre

SHE-BORG MASSACRE (April 19, 2017)
“When an alien fugitive crash lands into a local puppy farm and begins turning people into mutated robot killing machines with a taste for puppy flesh, Dylan and Eddie, two self-proclaimed political activists, are all that stand between the Earth and total domination. Forced into a ‘dare to be great’ situation that neither are prepared for, the two BFFL’s must fight their way past cops, city officials and cybernetic dog butchers in order to destroy the evil Sheborg and save the planet!”

Puppy flesh?!? What’s for dessert — a Kit Kat™ candy bar made out of a real cat? Pretty ballsy to use that as a plot device, given the billions of dog and cat owners that would serial kill you for even insinuating harm towards an animal.

Rock Paper Dead ROCK PAPER DEAD (2017)
“After 10 years, serial killer, Peter ‘the Doll Maker’ Harris returns as a ‘cured man’ to his ancestral family home after being released from the state’s hospital for the criminally insane. Once inside the old house, anguished memories from a tortured childhood and ghostly visitations from his past victims shake Peter’s resolve. It isn’t until lovely young Ashley enters his life that Peter makes a fateful decision, one that will rekindle old desires that always ended in murder.”

This one was supposed to come out in 2016. Seems like a long time ago and feels like anguished memories. So yep, YET ANOTHER serial killer movie with a plot that appear to have come from a Wal-Mart clearance sale. Hope there’s a return policy.

And because I missed your birthday/Christmas/anniversary/bar mitzvah/misc., here is yest another cool new Kong: Skull Island poster, just for you…

Kong: Skull Island

Midget Monsters, Nazi Zombies, Cleaning Toilets

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Vampires, Werewolves, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 16, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Creeps - Deformed Monsters

You ever see the 2007 Spanish horror hit [REC]? That one had a few humans trapped inside an apartment building loaded with slobbering, flesh-chowing zombies. I feel like I live in that same building as I can hear my highly annoying neighbors chew dinner with their loud mouths open. Wonder if they’re eating flesh? That’s what it smells like as anytime anyone cooks something, it stinks up the entire building. Think I’ll fight fire with fire and fry up some raw tuna and eggplant.

Here’s some upcoming horror movies that hopefully won’t stink…

THE CREEPS – DEFORMED MONSTERS (February 21, 2017/Blu-ray)
“Undersized, undead and angry. Dracula. Frankenstein. The Werewolf. The Mummy. In an experiment of the maddest kind of science, these four classic monsters of film and literature are brought back to life…but something goes wrong. Though they look and act exactly as they you’d think they’d look, the creepy quartet emerge as half their normal size. Now, they’re three feet tall…and not happy at all.”

Can’t blame ‘em for being unhappy. At three feet tall, that puts your face at everyone’s butt level. This would be especially demoralizing if they worked at a bean factory. The Creeps actually came out in 1997, but this is the first time on 2D HD 1080p. That’s just scientific jibber jabber, but some people with hi-tech minds will find that to be of significance. I’m gonna go back to braiding my hair and contemplating puffy clouds.

Besetment

BESETMENT (2017)
“A young woman takes a hotel position in a small town in Oregon. It’s a creepy, back country kind of town, but owners Mildred Colvin and her son seem nice. It’s not long before she discovers their real intentions and her struggle to make a living becomes a nightmarish fight for her life.”

A “nightmarish fight for her life.” Sounds like she has to clean toilets.

Trench 11

TRENCH 11 (2017/2018)
“In the final days of WWI a shell-shocked tunneler must lead an Allied team into a hidden German base 100 hundred feet below the trenches. The Germans have lost control of a highly contagious biological weapon that turns its victims into deranged killers. The Allies find themselves trapped underground with hordes of the infected, a rapidly spreading disease and a team of German Stormtroopers dispatched to clean up the mess. The only thing more terrifying than the Western Front is what lies beneath it…”

Two things come to mind: First, this sounds like a video game. Secondly, is this not a spin on Resident Evil (2002)? That one was based on a video game as well. I don’t play video games. It requires too much hand/eye coordination. I can barely put on my movie pants without falling over.

The Black Room

THE BLACK ROOM (May 9, 2017/VOD)
“A supernatural tale where evil takes on a sexy side. A married couple moving into their new home is faced with an entity that feeds off lust and desire, corrupting and/or killing everyone in its path as it plots a horrifying plan to destroy the world.”

Surprised that the entity is feeding off lust and desire from the married couple. Everyone knows that goes down the drain after the honeymoon fever wears off. I’m betting, however, this movie will depict boobies in all their paired gloriousness.

Our TVs Are Filled With Horror

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Science Fiction, TV Vixens, Vampires, Witches, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 27, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Walking Dead

It’s been a banner year for horror/sci-fi TV, the nightly news notwithstanding. While I’ve dipped my couch into stuff like The Strain, Preacher, Van Helsing and Outcast, due to there being only 24 hours to a day, I was only able to watch 1,825 hours of quality genre programming. Doesn’t scratch the surface of what’s out there. That established, here’s a few 2016 horror/sci-fi viewing habits…

THE WALKING DEAD
Like it or double love it, season seven’s opener was one of the all-time jarring shockers of this or any other year, setting the bar unreachably high on all out line-crossing torture porn. New hammy villain Negan (rhymes with “vegan”) makes season three’s Governor look like a Wal-Mart™ door greeter.

Fear The Walking Dead

FEAR OF THE WALKING DEAD
Barely made it through season one. Then I watched the season two opener and walked away from it. Too many unlikeable characters in implausible circumstances. The zombies, ironically, are the most believable aspects of the show.

Stranger Things

STRANGER THINGS
By far and away THE best new horror/fantasy series hit of the year. A monster called Demogogon exists in an alternate dimension called the Upside Down. (I’ve been visiting there every since discovering alcohol.) The darn thing gets into the regular dimension and all mystery heck breaks loose with pre-teens — and the magnificent Winona Ryder — Scooby-Doo’ing the heck out of said mystery. P.S. The Upside Down would be a great name for a dive bar.

American Horror Story: My Roanoke Nightmare

AMERICAN HORROR STORY: MY ROANOKE NIGHTMARE
Like goat cheese on pizza, this season did not work at all. The problems? Start with the first episode and end with the last one. I’ll give ‘em props for trying to mix a reality show premise with found footage. But there’s a reason why reality shows and found footage suck. And the muddled, no questions answered season end was indeed a nightmare. P.S. Lady Gaga was vastly underused this season.

Ash vs Evil Dead / Stan Against Evil, From Disk ’Till Dawn

ASH VS. EVIL DEAD
As amazingly corny, campy and killer as you’d expect. Why didn’t they think of doing a TV series years ago? (Ash should’ve been elected president.) The evil dead still have it in for Ash after all these years. Good for us. Not so good for him.

STAN AGAINST EVIL
Stan Miller, a grizzled, forced-into-retirement redneck sheriff, Archie Bunker’s his way through an inexhaustible stream of demons stinkin’ up his New England town. One great crack after another: “My shirt smells like low tide at A**hole Beach,” and “Ever been beaten with a bag of oranges?” An easy and obvious successor to Ash.

FROM DUSK ‘TILL DAWN
On its third season, the Gecko Brothers really flesh out the franchise’s storyline and take it to new extremes with a shocking (and satisfying) amount of blood and violence. Pushing the boundaries of censorship, TV vampires have never looked this nasty cool.

The Exorcist, The Returned, Channel Zero, Salem

THE RETURNED
One of the quiest, unsettling and beautifully creepy made-in-France eight-episode series (based on a French movie of the same name) in 2016. Will make you rethink what a zombie is/should be. Don’t worry about moving your lips to the sub-titles; there’s not a lot of wordings. Or screamings. As I said, quiet.

THE EXORCIST
Who knew they could take one punchline and make a tense and nervewracking TV series out of expunging demons from beleagured souls every week? Looks fun. Wonder if I can schedule an exorcism appointment for myself? My stupid health insurance probably won’t cover it, though.

CHANNEL ZERO
A tooth monster. Yep, you read me right. There’s a monster made of human teeth in this slow-burn awesome SyFy Channel™ original series. The show has bite. C’mon — how could I not say that? The joke was sitting right there.

SALEM
Tried to get through the first season of Salem a while back. Even with plenty of icky, gnarly witches and the demonic gunk/insects drooling/crawling out of their orifices, was not able to emotionally invest in it, which is why I haven’t pursed it in subsequent seasons. Probably should should go back and recommit to evil and see where the show takes me.

Of the sci-fi superhero stuff, watched most but not all. (Looking in your direction Arrow season 5 and D.C.’s Legends of Tomorrow.) Speaking of Arrow, his famous line before shooting criminals in the chest with his name always says, “You have failed this city…” At the beginning of season 4 his girlfriend attempts to make him breakfast. He looks at it and says, “You have failed this omelette…” That’s not just funny, it’s dang funny.

Anyway, here’s what else I warmed the couch cushions to…

Supergirl, The Flash, Gotham

SUPERGIRL
Season 2 episode (“Changing”) is where Supergirl gets drunk — on one drink — and her Black-Ops step-sister tells her she’s driving her home. Supergirl: “Well, I’m sure not flying!” I LOL’d over that one. Supergirl gets smacked upside the “S” in almost every episode, sometimes by space alien criminals instead of delicious adult beverages. I’ll give it to that super cutie — she can take a punch. Just not from the punch bowl. Heh.

P.S. Digging the crossover stuff, like when The Flash showed up in Supergirl’s world. Her day job boss at Catco (media conglomerate), not knowing who Flash is, named him The Whoosh. Priceless.

THE FLASH
Turns out there’s hundreds of Earths, each one accessible with the help of a user-friendly meta-human. This means more Flashie knock-offs, more meta-criminals, more storylines and more opportunities for the Flash to get beaten up every time he slows down. Quite nifty they’re invoking Flashpoint (time-travel and the Butterfly Effect) from the cartoons. Even still, a bit on the lightweight side. It’s not like I can change the channel or anything. Wait a sec…

GOTHAM
Pleasantly graphic and unflinchingly violent re-imagining of the classic Dark Knight universe, with a pre-pubed Bruce Wayne (not quite Batman) sporting a bat-a-rang for Selina Kyle (Catwoman as a street kid), the Penguin (criminal turned mayor — there’s a stretch), Edward Nygma (Riddler), Joker (killed off way too soon, but coming back somehow), Poison Ivy (played by three different plant species), and a D.C. sampler of legacy super criminals (Mr. Freeze, Mad Hatter, Hugo Strange). Despite all these tasty elements, it’s police detective Jim Gordon and Bruce’s now-legal guardian/servant Alfred (cast as a former member of the the British Special Air Service) who are the standout ass kickers here.

Daredevil, Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., Luke Cage

DAREDEVIL
Season one was good at establishing Matt Murdock — blind and struggling public defender — as a serious defender of justice with the business end of his fist. Season two’s storylines were better developed, but it’s the all-out slobber-knocking fight scenes, which often leave Matt a candidate for emergency medical attention, that leaves one’s mouth agape. Simply agape.

AGENT’S OF S.H.I.E.L.D.
This was a personal fav, but the storylines are jumping around like meta-frogs. Finding it interesting that Marvel and D.C., both of whom boast superheroes with the same abilities (Green Arrow/Hawkeye, The Atom/Ant-Man, Flash/Quicksilver, Hawkman/Angel, Aquaman/Sub-Mariner, El-Diablo/Human Torch), are using similar terms, if not story lines with Hive/H.I.V.E. It’s kinda like comparing apples to, um, windows. Heh. And an Aussie beer swillin’, womanizing, obnoxious Ghost Rider? Brilliant.

LUKE CAGE
Best surprise hit of the getting-crowded-by-the-minute superhero TV series. Luke, first introduced in Jessica Jones as her “friend” with mattress benefits, returns as a super smooth, reluctant, big city neighborhood hero impervious to artillery and sharp stuff while dispensing much-needed street justice with super strength, all against a backdrop of current day Harlem. (You’ll forget you’re watching a contemporary show and not back in the ’70s. An excellent homage to Shaft.)

Besides being a top-notch African-American superhero, the show’s music, performed in a criminal’s nightclub with today’s artists (Raphael Saadiq, Charles Bradley, Faith Evans, The Delfonics and more), is beyond groovy. I could easily dance to it. That’s MY super power. (Yeah, I prefer metal, but that’s where I let my neck dance.)

P.S. And why the flip is there not a second Jessica Jones season? Do I need to go all Daredevil on someone’s decision-making process?

P.P.S. And where the flippin’ fudge is iZombie season three? The CW’s™ website says it’ll be a two-hour season premiere on Tuesday, April 4, 2017. Get your cookbook ready for more brain-eating recipes.

The Horror of 2016

Posted in Aliens, Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Evil, Fantasy, Ghosts, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Sharks, TV Vixens, UFOs, Witches, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 25, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Witch

“Wouldst thou like to live deliciously?”

Best line in recent contemporary horror as whispered by the tempting, unseen evil thing in The Witch, one of the 2016’s least conventional but deliciously grim horror movies. I haven’t heard a line that good since “I know you are, but what am I?” from Pee Wee’s Big Adventure (1985).

Supergirl

The second best line of dialogue of the year comes not from a horror/sci-fi movie, but from the TV series Supergirl: “It’s time to punch you in the face…” (Note to anyone not using glitter chapstick – Supergirl is faring far better under the CW™ tweener banner than it did with CBS™, who had no idea what to do with superheroes sporting abnormally perfect teeth and Clearasil Ultra Rapid Action™ complexions. This is CW’s™ wheelhouse, man.)

In a year fraught with horror (politics notwithstanding), there were more than a few genre movie and TV stand-outs. And while I’m a world famous (ahem) blogger of horror/sci-fi, this e-offering is not even close to being comprehensive and I am by no means an authority on the subject. (I’m an expert at being NOT an expert.)

Black Phillip Cider

Of the ton of big/low-budget genre movie/TV crap I’ve watched all year long, the following represents a few chunks of interesting crap therein. You don’t have to agree with me, though, just because I’m a world famous blogger [insert nervous cough here]…

The Witch, Train To Busan, Shin Godzilla

THE WITCH
This unforgettable chiller introduced horror’s best new figurehead: Black Phillip, the Danny Trejo (or “Machete”) of badass barnyard animals.

SHIN GODZILLA
F-word amazing. They gave reboot G several insanely cool upgrades while holding true to Godzilla’s original hairstyle, including his “one-blow-blows-up-all” destructo breath: purple-y AND flame-y. That’s pretty sweet. Shin Godzilla, almost all filmed in broad daylight, shows Godzilla doing what he does best: making smash hits. I’d buy his album.

TRAIN TO BUSAN
A South Korean zombie movie that mops the floor with every other zombie movie released this year. So ridiculously intense is this thing (passengers trapped on a speeding commuter train while zombies board without passes), you don’t need English translation. (I went legit and watched it without sub-titles. That’s how I roll.)

10m Cloverfield Lane, 31, Phantasm Ravager

10 CLOVERFIELD LANE
Was this a sequel to 2008’s Cloverfield? There are those who walk among us that say yes. Doesn’t matter — while the movie climaxed with alien stuff (if you didn’t already know that — ha!), it’s the premise of several super tense characters in a rural underground survivalist bunker (two of which are there involuntarily) that brings the real horror.

ROB ZOMBIE’S 31
Like him or not, Rob Zombie always makes stomach-turning, gritty and gory horror movies. This one puts a group of traveling carnival white trash performers in a huge maze inside a huge warehouse-y type building, facing off in a brutal do-or-die obstacle course with highly colorful and pretty darn mean maniacs (Doom-Head, Sick-Head, Schizo-Head, Psycho-Head, Death-Head, Sex-Head), all wielding power tools. Make it out of the building, you live. Sort of.

PHANTASM RAVAGER
Does this final installment of the surreal and beloved Phantasm franchise deliver the groceries? Yes and not yes. Given that it’s been nearly 20 years since the last one (Phantasm IV: Oblivion/1998) and brings back the original characters, all of which puts you in the zone, Phantasm Ravager still leaves a pile of unanswered questions, like what happened to Reggie’s 1971 Plymouth Barracuda (second only to the Batmobile in sleek coolness)? But hey, those iconic flying death spheres, aka, gasoline-powered sharp things? All over the freakin’ place.

Deadpool, Captain America: Civil War, Batman V Superman, Suicide Squad, Doctor Strange

DEADPOOL / CAPTAIN AMERICA: CIVIL WAR / BATMAN V SUPERMAN: DAWN OF JUSTICE / SUICIDE SQUAD / DOCTOR STRANGE
Great year for great superhero movies. All of the above kicked ass to varying degrees of ass kicking. And Suicide Squad’s dementedly drop dead sexy Harley Quinn ranks with Deadpool and Black Phillip as a top genre icon of the year. (Godzilla’s already in the Hall of Fame, so giving somebody else a chance here.)

Harley Quinn

Honorary mention goes to Ben Affleck’s Batman, who puts the dark in Dark Knight. (He drinks the hard stuff, two syllable swears, horizontally smooches the ladies, takes pill-shaped drugs, beats people like drums then tortures/shoots them, and socks Superman right on his justice-shaped jaw. On top of that, he drives really fast and crashes into stuff. Batman gives driving lessons, not takes them.)

A few thoughts on some other this and thats…

Arrival, The Shallows, Fantastic Beasts And Where To Find Them

ARRIVAL
Not just a good movie, but a great UFO movie that doesn’t rely on all out paranoid military warfare on our space brothers, who look a heckuva lot like seafood appetizers. P.S. to the Internet: I’ve seen nearly every UFO video on YouTube™ and they’re starting to look fake. I’m beginning to think UFOs aren’t real. But that’s probably just crazy talk.

THE SHALLOWS
You can still be the most heavy metal, human-gulping shark with extra teeth in the ocean, but you still take second seat to Blake Lively’s seat in a string bikini worn throughout the ENTIRE MOVIE.

FANTASTIC BEASTS AND WHERE TO FIND THEM
An enthralling movie set in 1920s New York with wizards and a menagerie of off-the-hook mythical creatures and monsters, the likes of which have not been seen since the last WWE pay-per-view. Y’know, I bet Harry Potter fans might like this.

Miss Peregrine’s Home For Peculiar Children, The Boy, Morgan

MISS PEREGRINE’S HOME FOR PECULIAR CHILDREN
In my day a home for peculiar children was called “summer camp.” A bunch of mutation kids with unique abilities: floating, projecting movies through eyes, starting fires by touching stuff, super strength, control of nature, and my fav, eating through a mouth on the back of your head. You could take down a Frisko Freeze™ double deluxe burger in one mouth while sucking down a chocolate shake with the other. I wouldst like to live deliciously.

THE BOY
Featured The Walking Dead’s walking gorgeous Lauren Cohan. I wasn’t aware of anything else in the movie. I think it had some sort of boy in it. I think he was a puppet, which is just plain weird.

MORGAN
A genetic experiment gone wrong — or right, depending on where you stand on a contemporary updating of Frankenstein (1931).

Independence Day: Resurgence, X-Men: Apocalypse, Star Trek Beyond

There were a few genre misfires this year, though, including Independence Day: Resurgence, (we need to issue a formal apology to extraterrestrials), X-Men: Apocalypse (yeesh, what a mutant mess) and Star Trek Beyond, which relied more on blowing up things than the story line. Speaking of, why do they have to keep exploding the USS Enterprise over and over? Man, I wanted to drive that thing.

Wonder Woman

So what do we have to look forward to from here? According to IMDB.com there’s approximately 1,000+ horror/sci-fi/fantasy/superhero movies (Wonder Woman – I await you) slated for release in 2017. Butt — meet couch. Like Doctor Strange, I’m looking through space and time (and Collider.com) for Pacific Rim: Uprising (2018), Godzilla, King of Monsters (2019) and Godzilla vs. King Kong (hopefully before I croak). All the other stuff watched is what I’ll do to pass time/pass gas/pass out until those movies come to enrich my life.