Archive for creatures

Ghost Clowns, Republican Reptiles, Marauding Mermaids

Posted in Aliens, Bigfoot, demons, Evil, Ghosts, Giant Monsters, Misc. Horror, paranormal, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 23, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

There have been numerous versions of Catwoman, the fetching felonious feline who gives Batman a stiff Batarang. If you count TV, film, animated movies, comics, graphic novels and video games, there have been 30 Catwomen thus far. That’s a lot of kitty in that litter. But one of the sexiest standouts was Michelle Pfieffer’s skintight latex clad dominatrix portrayal of Catwoman in 1992’s Batman Returns. (Note to Julie Newmar, Batman’s 1966 Catwoman — can’t thank you enough for the carpal tunnel.)

Now you can purchase a replica of Pfieffer’s stylish Catwoman headpiece for a wallet-whomping $699.00. Riddle me this: Why does it cost so much? For one thing, it’s limited to 150 reproductions. Other reasons from PureArts website: “Matching the Batman 1:1 Scale Cowl Replica, this 1:1 Catwoman Mask Replica sits atop a miniature Gotham City mayoral house statue base. Featuring a removable Catwoman whip coiled around the base, PureArts captures the feminine, dangerous and clever essence of Catwoman. The mask replica is created out of PureArts’ poly-based casting material developed specifically for their Batman line, designed to look and feel like real high gloss latex, but never deteriorate.”

There are two versions: standard and one that comes complete with a removable leather whip and miniature version of the “cat clock” found in Shreck’s Department Store in the movie. To complete your cosplay hankerings, you can buy a Catwoman costume on any discount Halloween store, or make one yourself [instructions here].

While you rewatch Michelle’s tingle-inducing performance in Batman Returns and “review” it in the privacy of your own bathroom, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not belong in a litter box…

GHOSTS OF AMITYVILLE /Out now (VOD)

“Following the tragic death of her mother, eight-year-old Olivia soon discovers the demon of Amityville is manifesting itself as a clown.”

For some of us “demons, morphing into a clown is redundant. However, If I was a demon (ahem), I’d manifest myself as a bartender, because hey — TIPS!

LIZARD PEOPLE: THE TRUTH ABOUT REPTILIANS / Out now (VOD)

“They established rule over ancient man, a race of giants known as the Nephilim. Today, their descendants live among us, veiled in any form they choose: DemonAlien…even Reptilian! Two hardcore researchers, Carl Crew and Bryan Sadler, delve deep into the mythology that shrouds the theory of the Reptilians to uncover their true nature and their global power that some say continues to control the world. Through their deceit and deception, will the Reptilians ultimately destroy humankind?”

The horror sci-fi movie The Alligator People came out in 1959. So yeah, Reptilians have been among us over 60 years. Fun fact: “Republican” is a derision of “Reptilian, which explains their continuing true nature to achieve global power and destroy humankind.

INVASION OF THE MERMAIDS / Out now (VOD)

“A fishing village encounters a mysterious water monster. A young man tries to protect the residents and in the process, they unexpectedly discover an invasion of mermaids.”

I’d rather be invaded by mermaids than some of those other oceanic threats, like murder clams or sushi chef’s knife-grade swordfish. And let us not rule out the Thrill Krill Cult.

PARANORMAL WORLD: ALIENS, UFOs, CRYPTIDS AND GHOSTLY ENCOUNTERS / Out now (VOD)

“Sightings of strange, unworldly creatures occur daily around the world. Now we are learning that bizarre creatures like Bigfoot, Dogmen, El Chupacabras, Lake Monsters, Thunderbirds, even Aliens and UFOs may all be connected on our paranormal planet.”

It’s insensitive to refer to these creatures as “bizarre.” Better to say “folklore-capable.

Monsters Au Naturel, Bigfoot Pursuit, Alien Party Crashers

Posted in Aliens, Bigfoot, Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Misc. Horror, paranormal, Science Fiction, Slashers, UFOs, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 22, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Paul Garner is an artist living in Brighton, United Kingdom. That pretty dang far from where I’m lallygagging. But thanks to this thing called the “Internet” (you may have heard of it), now you can view his incredible horror movie icon illustrations…and buy ’em. (Full disclosure: I recently purchased some of Garner’s art and am currently gawking at it on the wall right next to where I’m lallygagging.)

Paul’s latest series is Nudie Monsters, recasting The Mummy, Wolf-Man, The Fly and Bride of Frankenstein in eye-poppingly colorful “pin-ups”. Don’t worry — they’re PG-rated, which means you don’t have to hide ‘em under your bed. These silk board prints sell in sets of three for 25£ ($31.40 US) and measure 11.75”x16.5”. Get ’em on his Etsy shop page here. Better yet, marvel at Paul’s extraordinary illustrating skills on his website: www.paulgarnerart.com

As confessed in a court of public opinion above, I purchased the Jaws poster and just sent in an order for The Shining print. If none of these examples are to your liking (critic), you can get caricatures of Creature of the Black Lagoon, Nosferatu, Night of the Living Dead and even Ozzy Osbourne, who’s kind of a monster himself.

While you take down your Vincent van Gogh and Pablo Picasso black light posters to make room for Paul’s peerless artings, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be made better by having nude monsters in ’em…

NIGHT OF THE AXE / Out now (VOD)

“A group of young adults enjoying a high school reunion party are terrorized by an escaped mental patient obsessed with satisfying his blood lust. One by one they are made victims of the sadistic killer. Who will survive the Night of the Axe?”

Not only does it SOUND like a slasher plot straight out of late ’70s/early’80s, it IS a slasher plot straight of late ’70s/early’80s. Time spent coming up with the script? 70 or 80 seconds.

ON THE TRAIL OF BIGFOOT: LAST FRONTIER / January 17, 2023 (VOD)

Small Town Monsters heads to the frozen vistas of the 49th state with On the Trail of Bigfoot: Last Frontier. The first 2023 Small Town Monsters docudrama features in-depth interviews with locals and a heavy focus on the Indigenous people who first called the land home. Focusing on evidence and encounters with the legendary Sasquatch, On the Trail of Bigfoot: Last Frontier aims to give audiences the most cohesive look at Alaskan Sasquatch lore.”

YET ANOTHER documentary cashing in on Bigfoot’s good name. B’foot really needs to put his big foot down on people not legally licensing his image and/or footwear.

KIDS VS. ALIENS / January 20, 2023 (Digital/VOD)

“All Gary wants is to make awesome home movies with his best buds. All his older sister Samantha wants is to hang with the cool kids. When their parents head out of town one Halloween weekend, an all-time rager of a teen house party turns to terror when aliens attack, forcing the siblings to band together to survive the night.”

A better solution: we should send ALL our teenagers to the alien’s planet to crash their ragers. 

YULETIDE HORROR / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Directed by Ethan Evans and produced by Jess Bartlett and Kieran Nolan Jones, Yuletide Horror is a feature-length documentary exploring the terrifying history of Christmas horror folklore and cinema, from Black Christmas, Gremlins, Silent Night, Deadly Night and beyond.”

And the soundtrack could be (wait for it)…wrap music.

Frightful Finery, Ghost Women, Bigfoot Experiment

Posted in Bigfoot, Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, paranormal, Science Fiction, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 14, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Every holiday season (i.e., YET ANOTHER excuse to get drunk in public: “Whooo — Santa! F*ck yeah! Presents! Explosions! Whooo!”) the push is on to see who can find the most most hilariously ugly Christmas sweaters. So much so, it’s become a super weird cultural phenomena. But not everyone is down with spending valuable beer notes on clothing you’d only wear a week or two (some of us more than others) out of the entire year.

A better investment alternative would be the year-round cardigan, the stylish cousin of the common pullover. While most cardigans (open fronted with buttons) scream elderly fashion, a new wave of themed designs will keep you from looking like your own grandfather. And MiddleofBeyond.com is here to give your dressing some room.

MoB’s website offers a plethora of horror/sci-fi themed gifts and clothing (sweaters, button-ups, flannel, jackets, shorts, hats), the latest — and best — being their line of affordable ($74.99 – $84.99) cardigans, featuring everything from the Loch Ness Monster, Bigfoot and Halloween, to Return of the Living Dead, The Shining and The Twilight Zone. They even have an Iron Maiden cardigan. P.S. I accept any and all gifts in the size of large, which also includes cash and/or adult beverages in bottles, cans and/or sippy cups.

While you look to tweak your wardrobe, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not look good on you…

AMITYVILLE CHRISTMAS VACATION / Out now (VOD)

“Wally has won a vacation to sunny Amityville. While there he met a woman — a GHOST woman. Can the spirit of Christmas bring these two opposites together?”

Dating a ghost woman is a no-brainer — just take her to all your favorite haunts.

AMITYVILLE BIGFOOT / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

Amityville Chemical Company has a dark secret. One of their latest experiments broke break free and is wreaking havoc upon locals in the nearby woods. As the creature rips and shreds his way through each unsuspecting group, increasingly bizarre events mount towards one of the strangest Bigfoot encounters captured.”

A bit confused here — Bigfoot is a science experiment? What are they gonna tell us next — the Abominable Snowman was born in a Baskin-Robbins™ test tube? No wonder cryptozoology creatures hate us so much.

AMITYVILLE SCARECROW II / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

It’s been a year since the events of the first movie, and the survivors are about to reopen the camp. However, something sinister lurks…and all is not what it seems.”

Wonder what the sinister lurking something could be? An unfavorable raccoon? A dishonest squirrel? Maybe a harmful rabbit? I’ll ask that evil scarecrow hanging out nearby. He might know.

MUTILATOR 2 / Pending release 2023 (VOD)

“Buddy Cooper returned to write and direct the decades-later sequel to the slasher he made back in the 1980s.”

The original Mutilator came out in 1984 and had the best tag line: “By Sword, By Axe, By Pick, Bye-Bye.” That’s right up there with Alien’s (1979) tag: “In space no one can hear you fart.” Okay, I might have a bit of a recollection hiccup on that one.

Swimming With Monsters, Jurassic Priest, Spooky Bathtub

Posted in Asian Horror, Classic Horror, demons, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Giant Monsters, Misc. Horror, paranormal, Sharks, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 11, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

It’s not just sharks you have to put at harpoon’s length when swimming in the middle of the ocean with no on-duty lifeguard in sight. There’s gangsta otters, serial killer dolphins, kale seaweed… But in the board game of Float: From the Deep, you also have to swim faster than the other players (i.e., bait) to avoid being fatally nibbled on by sea monsters, watery creatures and the pirate zombies that live, work and party in the deadly deep depths.

Created by Mixtape Massacre™, “Float: From the Deep is a fast-paced tabletop game where players find themselves lost at sea, battling ferocious creatures from below and attempting to outsmart and outlast their fellow players. With only seven days to make it to the island in the foggy distance, its sink, swim, or be devoured by the next monster from the deep.”

The standard version of the game will set you back $39.99 clams. You could buy expansion pack options individually, ranging from $3.00 to $14.99. But do yourself a favor and get Float: The Deep Bundle for $70.96, with a savings of five sand dollars.

While you rummage through your Davy Jones locker (i.e., fishbowl coin jar) to dredge up the required bounty, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not leave you with a sinking feeling…

CONJURING THE GENIE II / Out now (YouTube™)

“An aspiring novelist discovers the deadly reality of the legendary Wishmaker.”

Let the genie out of the 12 oz. bottle and make your all your wishes come true.

A HAUNTED TURKISH BATHHOUSE / January 10, 2023 (Blu-ray)

“An abused wife is sold to a brothel to cover her husband’s debts. The deceitful husband is actually behind it all and in cahoots with the brothel Madame, who is his lover. Tani discovers the truth and gets tortured to death. However, the dead woman’s soul seeks vengeance from a most unusual quarter.”

This movie library essential came out in 1975 and is FINALLY getting the Blu-ray makeover it deserves. I’ve long since worn out the VHS copy I found in a semi-haunted YMCA locker room.

INFINITY POOL / January 27, 2023 (Theaters)

“While enjoying an idyllic, luxury vacation, James encounters the seductive Gabi who promises to show him the hidden side of the island resort. Once beyond the gates, she exposes him to a shocking underworld of violence and sex that pushes his boundaries, with terrifying consequences.”

Shocking violence and sex — the peanut butter and jelly of quality movie plots. Really hoping they push the boundaries to new heights by showing what lies beyond bathing suit areas.

VELOCIPASTOR 2 / Release pending 2023/2024 (VOD)

“The crime-fighting clergyman who transforms into a dinosaur is set to travel to Europe in a story that involves murders at an Italian fertility festival, Soviet spies and Interpol.”

A crime-fighting priest who turns into a dinosaur. No regrets, Batman, but you’ve just been replaced.

Godzilla Supermodel, Ghost Fashion, Irish Goblins

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Classic Horror, demons, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Misc. Horror, paranormal, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 7, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Question: Would you pay $585.00 (plus your local municipality tax) for a 17” tall Godzilla statue? Answer: F-word, yeah! Expected to ship in the spring/summer of 2023 (I think that’s next year…I’ll have to do more research), Mondo™ is unveiling the F-word cool Godzilla: Tokyo SOS statue, limited to 600. Before you gasp out loud…FREE SHIPPING! You may gasp out loud now. 

From Mondo’s™ press release: “Based on the amazing Godzilla: Tokyo SOS (2003), this statue captures the brutal battle between Godzilla, Mothra and Kiryu. Godzilla is fully realized with stunning attention to detail including an array of swappable accessories that recreate specific moments from the movie. These include two Mothra larva, three interchangeable lower jaws (open, closed, and eating Mothra leg), two interchangeable heads (one with heat ray attack), and tail tip to which a Mothra larva can attach.” So, like, buy it HERE.

While you contemplate where to display your new art piece (suggestions: family dinner table, hood of your car, Benihana™), here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not require two interchangeable heads to watch…

PEREMPUAN BERGAUN MERAH / Out now (VOD)

“Dinda is an introverted student terrorized by a female ghost in a red dress. However, Dinda’s concern for her sister and best friend makes Dinda never give up on solving the mystery she faces, even though her life is threatened. Putra, his friend, always helps Dinda uncover the figure of the woman in the red dress that haunts her.”

A ghost wearing a red dress. Where’d she buy it — Phantom Zone Dress For Less™?

THE FETUS / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A couple struggle to learn the truth about the origins of their unborn child – a supernatural entity that emerges from the body.”

A supernatural entity usually emerges from at least one part of the body, typically after a Taco Bell™ Beefy 5-Layer Burrito meal.

UNWELCOME / January 27, 2023 (Shudder™)

“Maya and Jamie escape their urban nightmare of London to the tranquility of rural Ireland only to discover malevolent, murderous goblins lurking in the gnarled, ancient wood at the foot of their new garden. Heavily pregnant, Maya is soon targeted by the goblins and the family she befriended after forgetting to make sure the creatures are fed. What extremes will she go to protect her unborn child?”

I thought Irish goblins were called Leprechauns. Whatever. Goblin is easier to spell. I’ll watch this movie while feeding on…Lucky Charms™.

FEAR THE INVISIBLE MAN / Release pending 2023 (Theaters)

“Adeline is a young British woman who provides shelter to an old medical school colleague, a man who has somehow turned himself invisible. As his isolation grows and his sanity frays, he schemes to create a reign of wanton murder and terror across the city – and Adeline’s the only one who knows he even exists.”

Which begs the question — how does the Invisible Man take a selfie?

Hanging With Elvira, Ghost Cops, Phenomenal Dirt

Posted in Classic Horror, demons, Evil, Fantasy, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, paranormal, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 20, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Two giants in the horror entertainment field — Joe Bob Briggs/The Last Drive-In and Elvira/Mistress of the Dark (oh, wait…make that three giants) are finally appearing together on Joe Bob’s Haunted Halloween Hangout special edition of The Last Drive-In. This happens on Shudder™ TV October 21, 2022/9pm ET. Unable to Shudder™? This will air on-demand October 23, 2022. Not sure, but I think that’s two days later. I’ll call NASA to calibrate my math.

From the press release: “The hit series returns with Briggs, the world’s foremost drive-in movie critic, presenting eclectic horror movie double features, interrupting the films to expound upon their merits, histories, and significance to genre cinema. The season premiere will feature a celebration of The Last Drive-In’s 100th movie since Joe Bob’s first Shudder™ marathon in 2018, with surprise special guests.”

While we congratulate Joe Bob on his 100th movie milestone and Elvira for getting us through puberty, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi flicks that may or may not cause you to Shudder™ all over your TV face…

THE FINAL ROSE / Out now (Tubi™)

“Set on a remote island a single mother competes on a reality TV dating show called, Love at Last. When the contestants become targets of a mysterious masked killer, their search for romance turns into a fight for survival.”

So this is what the bottom of the barrel looks like.

MATRIARCH / October 21, 2022 (Hulu™)

“Afflicted with a mysterious disease after surviving an overdose, a woman returns to her childhood home to confront her personal demons but instead discovers a real one.”

That means she figured out where she stashed her stash.

SOMETHING IN THE DIRT / November 4, 2022 (Limited)

“When neighbors John and Levi witness supernatural events in their Los Angeles apartment building, they realize documenting the paranormal could inject some fame and fortune into their wasted lives. An ever-deeper, darker rabbit hole, their friendship frays as they uncover the dangers of the phenomena, the city, and each other.”

We don’t watch horror movies to see bros trying to figure out their “feelings.” We wanna know what’s in the dirt, man. And it better not be dog doo.

R.I.P.D. 2: RISE OF THE DAMNED / November 15, 2022 / (Netflix™/ DVD)

The Wild West has gone to Hell, literally, and the world’s best hope of being saved lies in the gun-slinging hands of Sheriff Roy Pulsipher as he becomes the newest officer for the Rest In Peace Department (R.I.P.D.) enforcing the afterlife’s laws. Roy thought joining the R.I.P.D. would give him a chance to revisit his daughter and solve the mystery of his murder. Instead, he has his holsters full with havoc and hellfire when he’s given a mission to stop a dangerous demon from opening a portal to the underworld. The fate of the living and the dead now depends on Roy and his partner Jeanne, a mysterious swordswoman, as cowboys clash with creatures and undead insanity unleashes apocalyptic chaos.”

R.I.P.D. came out in 2013 and despite having both Deadpool and The Dude in it, the movie was oddly dumb. Not quite stupid, but you know what I’m saying (especially if you watched it.) Cautious hopes for the sequel, which only took nine years to happen. Only. Wonder if any of the movie’s creatures, demons and the undead drink White Russians?

Candlelight Horror, Bowel Creatures, Ghost Kid

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, paranormal with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on October 9, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

What does Liquid Death™ (canned mountain water with a misleading name), Halloween (Christmas for Pagans) and DYI homemaking diva Martha Stewart (she makes killer cookies) have in common? Five words: “The Dismembered Moments Luxury Candle.”

Yep, The Martha has teamed up with Liquid Death™ to produce a collectible Halloween candle: a severed hand holding a can of Liquid Death™. From the press release: “This is considered her most R-rated collab to date; Martha brings death to plastic and ‘lends a hand’ in promoting sustainability and natural flavors.”

Lend a hand. That’s mildly amusing. From The Martha’s website: “Packaged in a beautifully-designed eco-friendly gift box, the all-black, paraffin-based, unscented candle depicts a life-size severed hand gripping a Liquid Death™ can, decorated with a bold red wick. It measures 7″ tall, 26.6 oz with a 60 hour burn time. And the ‘Dismembered Moments’ candle is now available for purchase exclusively on Martha.com for $58.00.”

A $58 dollar candle promoting a company that should be making energy beer instead of water (including three non-alcoholic flavors: “Mango Chainsaw,” “Severed Lime,” “Berry It Alive”). I need time to process this.

So while you’re quenching your thirst with water that comes in a can instead of a public swimming pool, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not be as scary as an R-rated Martha Stewart

DEEP FEAR / October 11, 2022 (VOD/Screambox™)

“Three young, freshly graduated students decide to have a little fun visiting the catacombs. Little do they know their expedition will soon turn into a nightmare. Sonia and her friends Max and Henry will have to try and escape from a strange creature hiding in the bowels of the Earth, hoping to make it back to the surface, and out of Hell’s claws.”

Hell’s claws. Ouch. Who writes these soundbites? I’d say it was me, but admittedly that’s way better than I’m capable of coming up with. Better yet, watch The Descent (2005) for decent Earth-bowel’d creatures that don’t need cheesy soundbites.

DARK GLASSES / October 13, 2022 (Shudder™)

“A serial killer who preys on prostitutes sets his sights on Diana. As he pursues her, he causes a car crash, in which she is blinded and 10-year-old Chin’s entire family dies. Despite her blindness, Diane resolves to take the boy in. But the killer is still on the loose.”

Why are serial killers always so darn mean? They must be Republicans.

A SAVANNAH HAUNTING / October 28, 2022 (Select theaters/Digital platforms)

“A family moves to Savannah, GA to distance themselves from the brutal memories of their daughter’s death. Once in their new home, the mother slowly grows to believe she is being haunted by her dead daughter. They discover a more sinister force may be at work as ties to Savannah’s ruthless slave history and its long connection with voodoo are revealed, but it may be too late for their family to survive.”

Haunted by a dead daughter. Looks like you should’ve been less chintzy with the allowance. Clearly the paycheck-shorted dead daughter is back to scare the loose change out of you. 

BUNKER / Pending release 2023

“Trapped in a bunker during World War I, a group of soldiers are faced with an ungodly presence that slowly turns them against each other. As paranoia and fear grow between them, the men experience the true hell of war.”

I liked this better when it was called Deathwatch (2002).

King Clowns, Dimensional Pumpkins, Death-Dealing Descendants

Posted in Classic Horror, demons, Evil, Fantasy, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, paranormal with tags , , , , , , , , , , on October 2, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Simpsons Treehouse of Horror Halloween specials have aired annually for the last 35 years. (You may have heard of The Simpsons.) But this year, Treehouse of Horror will be the first time airing of two different brand new episodes. Before you totally goon out, here are the specs: “One of the two Treehouse of Horror 2022 episodes will take the familiar anthology approach, while the other will be a full length, 20-minute parody of Stephen King’s It.”

In advance of Treehouse of Horror Presents: Not It, a Pennywise-themed fan art contest has launched and winners will have their art featured in the episode! Send in your creepiest, scariest, most creative fan art of Krusty the Clown for a chance to have your artwork displayed in the end credits of the terrifying Simpsons Halloween episode airing October 23, 2022.” (Artfully Enter HERE)

The drool-worthy plot: “In Treehouse of Horror Presents: Not It, when a supernatural clown starts slaying the children of Kingfield, young Homer Simpson teams up with other middle school misfits to face their fears and defeat the mysterious monster. But years later, the evil clown returns, and Homer’s friends must confront the tragedy of their adult lives to destroy Krusto once and for all.”

I’d enter the contest, but I can only draw flies, curtains and bathwater. Heh.

While you’re sharpening your contest crayons, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not seem cartoonish to you…

PUMPKINHOLE / Out now (VOD)

“A washed up baseball star is haunted by visions of pumpkins, believing them to be linked to a boy who mysteriously disappeared last Halloween. As these experiences intensify, he desperately seeks a way to make the visions stop, and soon thinks the pumpkins are guiding him to another dimension to bring the boy back.”

Pumpkinhole. The title reminds me of that classic story: “Police were called to a nighttime disturbance in a farm field. Upon arriving, the cops discover a drunk guy, pants around his ankles, screwing a pumpkin he carved a hole in. Flashlights shining on the scene, the cops asked why the guy was having sex with a pumpkin, to which the drunk guy responded, “Pumpkin? Is it after midnight already?” Man, that NEVER gets old.

THE INHABITANT / October 2, 2022 (VOD)

“A teenage descendant of Lizzie Borden grapples with paranoia and her dark family past amid a series of real-life small town murders in this chilling psychological horror ride.”

Um, Lizzie and her sister Emma Borden never married, so how can she have descendants? No additional siblings documented from dad Andrew and step-b*tch mom Abby, either, so that theory is chopped to pieces. I have, then, no other conclusion than to deem this movie’s plot a complete sham. They should be aSHAMed.

THEY SEE YOU / October 3, 2022 (VOD)

“Years ago in a small, quiet town, the disappearance of several children remains a mystery. The town is home to three brothers. When boredom and curiosity get the best of the middle brother, he talks his two brothers into stealing a strange board on Halloween from a local shop that sells odd items. A board that is rumored to be cursed. When they unlock the board’s power, they inadvertently open a gateway to another dimension summoning ghouls to their small town. Now as their friends begin to disappear and masked creatures surround them, their only chance is to find the shop owner, and learn how to close the gate again, before it is too late.”

Sounds like these guys have been watching Jumanji (1995). But they substituted jungle creatures with plain ‘ol masked creatures that probably have never even seen a real forest — or so much as a hairy bush.

THEY CRAWL BENEATH / October 4, 2022 (DVD) October 27, 2022 (VOD)

“After an earthquake leaves Danny trapped and alone, his claustrophobic nightmare only gets worse when something truly horrifying emerges from the fissures in the ground, forcing him to engage in a brutal fight for his life and his sanity.”

This is also being called It Crawls Beneath. They should’ve called it Tremors (1990).

Ape Kings, Vacation Snakes, Social Demons

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , on September 30, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

This is way better than that Christmas thing — Kingdom of the Planet of the Apes is in the works for a 2024 release. This makes my banana tingle, what with being a PoA fan since my birth in a dense jungle.

Here’s what is known thus far: “The story takes place after the events of War for the Planet of the Apes (2017), and continues to follow Caesar’s legacy.”

Caesar, if you were inexcusably unaware, is the first ape to talk, and subsequently, talk back. He’s the guy who organized a revolt against presumably tick-free humans in 1972’s Conquest for the Planet of the Apes and made household pets out of them. (Shortly thereafter, there was a run on bigger litter boxes.)

The Planet of the Apes universe started with La Planète des singes, a 1963 book by French guy, Pierre Boulle. To this day, no one knows how to pronounce his last name. What followed were nine movies, a cartoon and live action TV series, as well as a planet of comics, books, video games, toys and swag. King Kong was bitch-ass jealous.

While we throw feces around waiting for this movie to get made (in solidarity with zoo monkeys who fling their poo because zoos won’t give ’em a ball to play with), here are a few upcoming horror movies/sci-fi that may or be compared to an extra-large litter box…

DEINFLUENCER / October 1, 2022 (Digital/VOD)

“Kelly wakes up to find that she is being held hostage by a masked kidnapper and needs to complete a series of social media challenges to ensure her safety.”

The social media challenges are necessary: Cancel your Facebook™, Instagram™, Twitter™ and Tik-Tok™ accounts, quit taking fish-lip selfies and posting ‘em for other fish-lips to see, and trade your smart phone for a freakin’ life. 

PYTHON ISLAND / October 4, 2022 (DVD)

“In a village where snake-catching is the livelihood of most of the local populace, a magical tree grew. Because of the tree’s benevolence, it saved one small snake from the villagers and named it “Little Flower.”

“Many years later, Xiaoshu has become a biological researcher, exploring the secrets of genes. Unfortunately, his colleagues with ulterior motives use the power of the magical tree to break into a forbidden area by ​​the snake-catching village: the island where intruders are eaten alive. The island is filled with moisture and weirdness, and it seems there are eyes everywhere; staring at every move made by intruders.”

“Filled with moisture and weirdness.” Are they making fun of me? This movie was released in China in 2021 under the title, Behemoth Anaconda. I once saw a porn movie with the same name. Didn’t have any magic trees in it, but it did have quite a stump.

DON’T F–CK IN THE WOODS 2 / October 11, 2022 (Digital)

Follows Don’t F–ck In The Woods (2016). The counsellors at Pine Hills Summer Camp are getting the grounds ready for the upcoming summer season. A mysterious girl shows up, weak and scared from a previous encounter with a vicious creature that killed all her friends. Little do they know that something followed her to the camp and things are about to get slimy and bloody.”

Misleading title. I fell for it the first time. Not this time.

RISE OF THE BEAST / December 6, 2022 (Digital/VOD)

“A group of activists break into a corporate facility they know unsolicited animal testing has been taking place. They discover unimaginable horrors but don’t realize until they’re captured the true extent of what it is they’ve been experimenting with. In a race against time to survive, they must escape friend, foe, and a mutated ape if they mean to get out alive and expose this to the world.”

You don’t wanna monkey around with a mutated ape. Vegan or not, those things will eat your face off. 

Pizza Face, Hallucinogenic Worms, Murder Bears

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Misc. Horror, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , on September 25, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

In what is one of the most ingenious Halloween promotional gimmicks in recent memory, Tombstone™ pizza (coolest name ever for the most popular food in any cemetery) is giving away a FREE T-pie to anyone living on an Elm Street, as a direct tie-in to Freddy Krueger’s favorite cul-de-sac (A Nightmare on Elm Street in case it slipped your mind). And hey — with his iconic oven-baked features, Sir Krueger’s face looks so much like a pizza, it should come with extra toppings.)

As first detailed by Bloody-Disgusting.com: “Tombstone™ is rewarding those brave enough to live on a real-life Elm Street with a chance to win FREE pizza this Halloween season (more than 5,000 across the country).”

Do this: From Oct. 3rd – 31st, Elm Street residents can enter online for a chance to win free Tombstone™ pizza.

What You’ll Win: Free Tombstone™ pizza awarded while supplies last. One lucky Elm Street resident will be selected at random to win free pizza for a year. The contest begins on October 3rd, 2022 and you’ll find it RIGHT HERE.

While I get some spray paint and write “Elm” on my street sign, here are a few upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that may or may not look as appetizing as a Tombstone™ pizza — or Freddy’s face…

PROJECT LEGION October 7, 2022 (Limited) October 11, 2022 (VOD)

Feral creatures that prey on humans have descended upon the city. A furious fight for survival begins as the outside world descends into chaos and a former Marine, barricaded inside his apartment, prepares to come out fighting.”

Feral creatures preying on humans. Again. Why can’t they prey on microwaved 7-Eleven™ Truckstopper Burritos? Wouldn’t need a Marine to stop ’em after choking down one of those things.

KRATT / October 11, 2022 (VOD)

“Children are left at Grandma’s without smartphones. Real life seems boring, working feels hard. Luckily they find instructions for Kratt — a magical creature from old Estonian mythology who will do whatever its master says. All they have to do now is buy a soul from the Devil. Life stops being boring in a bloody way.”

Retail price of a Devil-owned soul: $6.66. Low hanging fruit. Too easy. I feel somewhat ashamed. Somewhat.

SHADY GROVE / October 25, 2022 (VOD)

“A young couple, Shaina and Mark, attend a music festival with their best friend Elijah on their annual pilgrimage away from their work-heavy city lives. They find a beautiful cabin on a vacation rental app. Everything is perfect except the faint smell of death, only to discover they’re being hunted by figures wearing skinned animal masks.”

Scare BnB — heh. Curious as to what skinned animals were used to make the masks. A free-range donkey? A murder bear? Black Phillip? All of those would spook the rent right outta me. P.S. The smell of death is very similar to asparagus farts.

ALL JACKED UP AND FULL OF WORMS / November 8, 2022 (Screambox)

“Working at a seedy motel, maintenance man Roscoe is always searching for his latest fix. When he stumbles upon a powerfully hallucinogenic worm, his days of dime-store drugs are over. Along with his new love interest, the pair embark on a delirious odyssey of sex, violence, and becoming one with the dirt.”

Hands down the best movie title of the year. I was sold right there, but then they hit me with “powerfully hallucinogenic worm” and “delirious odyssey of sex, violence,” and “becoming one with the dirt.” Looks like someone found my Christmas wish list.