Archive for plague

A World of Vampires

Posted in Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 4, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Daybreakers

The world is a vampire. Literally. It’s 2019. Ten years ago, an unexplained plague turned those that leak blood into those that drink blood. Oh sure, there are a few humans left, but they’re pretty much cows the vampires milk dry. So much so, the world is just about out of the sweet red body sauce. 

Daybreakers

Edward Dalton is a blood scientist who has been trying for six years to come up with a human blood substitute. His latest batch made a test subject explode. BLAMMO —   vampire guts all over the walls and floors, as if the room itself was mortally injured. Dalton won’t drink human blood because he’s against wiping out an entire species. What a wuss. In the human world, we’d call him a people-hugger.

Daybreakers

One night he helps an SUV full of humans evade the cops. They later track him down in hopes he can help them find a cure for vampirism. (Yeah — it’s called a stake through the heart, b*tch!)

Daybreakers

Elvis is a classic car restorer and part of the vampire resistance movement who, when in bloodsucker form years ago, went joy-riding in the daylight and crashed, his body flaming the second he went Superman-ing through the windshield. The accident, while hurting like hell, transformed Elvis back into a human. Dalton needs to recreate that event in order to find a way out of this sucking of blood business. He has to hurry as the military — led by his vampire brother — and a near-rioting society is breathing down his back.

DaybreakersIf you’re starved of human blood and all its deliciousness, you slowly revert into a primal state vampire, one of pure aggression, a mummified body, leathery bat wings, and unpleasant butt breath. These creatures, called Subsiders, are so hungry they feed on fellow vampires, which speeds up the mutation process.

Daybreakers

Through it all, though, Daybreakers (2009) left you wanting more and less. More, as in Subsiders. Less, as in talking. Don’t get me wrong; Daybreakers is a visual stunner and has some killer graphic gore; Subsiders are chained and pulled out into the sunlight, where they ignite like campfire marshmallows. I just wanted to see more of the Subsiders making a cherry pie out of your face. If you’re gonna go to all that trouble to make a screaming, angry man-bat, put it to work chowing down on neck sandwiches. The rest will write itself.

Mothman, Bigfoot, Body Wash, Bar Stools

Posted in Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 4, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Mothman of Point Pleasant

To hear other people tell it, I fell off my bar stool the other night. I prefer to frame it as the bar stool got tired of me sitting on it for six hours and decided to take its business elsewhere.

As for the falling part, there was a puddle of some sort of liquid under the chair, which was quite slippery and thus facilitated the mishap. Pretty sure it was Dove Body Wash®. That, or WD-40®. The conspiracy theorist in me leans towards it being a proportional solution made of the two popular lubes and then discreetly applied under the bar stool by, you guessed it, one of those creepy Men in Black. I hate those guys.

Speaking of falling for things, here’s four more new and upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that may or may not knock you on your ass…

THE MOTHMAN OF POINT PLEASANT (available now)
“Learn the terrifying, true story about thirteen months that changed history. In November of 1966, a car full of kids encountered a creature unlike anything they’d ever seen before. In the weeks and months to follow, the monster (now known as The Mothman) was sighted again and again on country roads and around the state of West Virginia.”

This is an intriguing documentary that covers a lot of leavings but leaves one question unanswered — who gave Mothman his cool name? I bet that person is a millionaire now because of it. So if I was offered a million bucks to name a local folklore legend monster that, to date, hasn’t killed anyone or even so much as littered the streets of Point Pleasant (hence the name), I’d have called him (or her)…Mega-Pigeon (or scientifically, Mega-Columba Livia Domestica.) The logo could look all heavy metal and probably sell a LOT of t-shirts. You really need to think about marketing strategies with a name that totally b*tchin’.

Seven Sisters

SEVEN SISTERS (2017)
“Set in a world where families are allowed only one child due to overpopulation, a resourceful set of seven identical sisters must avoid governmental execution and dangerous infighting while investigating the disappearance of one of their own.”

Dang — seven identical sisters? Never mind trying to figure out who is who, can you imagine trying to get in a some meaningful bathroom time? Forget about it. For a cool old sci-fi movie about limiting children (which I’m for, by the way), seek out the 1972 Danish-American sci-fi moving picture show, Z.P.G., which stands for Zero Population Growth. In that one you’re given robot babies instead of allowing you to make your own. Not nearly as much fun, but zero diaper changing as well. Sometimes you have to give a little to get a little.

The Dark Mile

THE DARK MILE (2017)
London couple Louise and Clare book a sailing trip in the Highlands to recover from a personal tragedy. The location may be idyllic but soon they are tormented by a black industrial barge that follows them, and by the dysfunctional folk on board.”

First, they broke the cardinal rule of using the overused/generic/weak word “dark” in the title. Secondly, if you work on a black industrial barge, you’re probably predisposed to being dysfunctional. Wonder what the pay is? I could fit right in.

The Man Who Killed Hitler An Then The Bigfoot

THE MAN WHO KILLED HITLER AND THEN THE BIGFOOT (2018)
“Legendary American war veteran Calvin Barr who, decades after serving in WWII and assassinating Adolf Hitler, must now hunt down the fabled Bigfoot. Living a peaceful life in New England, the former veteran is contacted by the FBI and the Royal Canadian Mounted Police to lead the charge as the creature is carrying a deadly plague and is hidden deep inside the Canadian wilderness.”

A hot contender for horror movie title of the year, albeit a bit of a mouth employer. (Note to movie titlers — take “Then The” out of it. Practically leaps off the tongue and into a soulful eight-beer-in conversation. My only issue — they tell you in the movie’s name he murder-killed Bigfoot.

Hitler certainly had it coming. But Bigfoot? What’s he ever done besides throwing Mountain Doo at intrusive hikers? They go on to say Biggie carries a deadly plaque and is hidden deep inside the Canadian wilderness. If that’s true, it means he’s not planning any day trips to town any time soon, so leave him be. As for the nature of the plaque, just give him some Alka-Seltzer Plus® – Cold & Cough Liquid Gels (you gotta break ‘em open and suck out the juicy goodness) with a beer back to cleanse the palette afterward. Plague? Solved.

Pools of Horror, Zombie Submarines, Misshapen Monsters

Posted in Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, UFOs, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 31, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

12 Feet Deep

Just watched Unacknowledged (2017), that amazing documentary on the disclosure cover-up of UFOS and the technology they bring to the conspiracy dinner table. Did you know the government has known about UFOs since the late ’40s and that they won’t publicly admit it? if I was an alien, I’d be hot around the lunar collar that I went to all that trouble to come here, just to be associated with that whole “fake news” hoopla. So much for cordial relations with our space brothers.

Speaking of hoopla, here are a few new horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be fake…

12 FEET DEEP (June 20, 2017/VOD)
“Sisters Bree and Jonna get trapped beneath the fiberglass cover of an Olympic sized public pool after it closes for the holiday weekend. They find themselves at the mercy of the night janitor, Clara, who sees the trapped sisters as an opportunity to solve a few problems of her own.”

This one was originally titled The Deep End. I think a porn movie already locked up that one. The plot is just a reworking of 2010’s Frozen, wherein two guys and a gal get stuck halfway up the mountain on a ski lift that just closed for the weekend. Which begs the question — would you rather freeze to death or be trapped in a public pool that also serves as a all-inclusive toilet for the less discreet among us? Think I’d take my chances on becoming a human popsicle.

Dark Beacon

DARK BEACON (2017)
Amy Wilcock loves the married Beth Gadbsy with a fierce and tragic passion. When Beth’s distraught husband Christian dies in an emotional intervention, the now widow disappears with her daughter Maya into secret seclusion. Amy eventually tracks Beth down to a distant lighthouse only to find her broken and maddened in the midst of an alcoholic abyss. But that is not all she finds. They shockingly discover that the spirit of Beth’s spurned husband will not rest until he takes the surviving trio with him. Can Amy save them all from the spiral of madness and the crazed and hell-bent supernatural threat?”

First thought — waaaay too much plot getting in the way of a simple ghost story. For a really fun/funny (it was meant to be serious, but I didn’t interpret it as such) back-from-the-dead lighthouse/beach movie, give 1960s’ Tormented a spin. In that one a jazz musician “accidentally” kills his side trim (jazz term for “groupie”) by “letting” her fall from a lighthouse. She, of course, comes back from the dead, headless and yelling her head off, “Tom Howard killed me!” Those could be good lyrics for a snappy dance number if Tom would just roll with it.

Operation Ragnarok

OPERATION RAGNAROK (2017)
“In a town in southern Sweden, tensions between the locals and immigrants grow. Meanwhile, a submarine carrying a strange plague enters the town. The crew infects police officers out to investigate and a full-blooded outbreak begins. The town is isolated by the Swedish army, but the survivors inside, immigrants and locals alike, must band together against the infected.”

This one was originally titled Zon 261. I don’t know what a Zon is. As for the plague aboard the submarine, you sure it just isn’t a case of jock itch gone wild shared by guys stuck underwater for weeks on end with no windows to air out the place?

The Blob

THE BLOB (2018)
“When a band of miners uncover something hidden deep beneath the earth they unwittingly unleash a hideous creature beyond imagination. Now the townsfolk must fightback, before it destroys everything.”

A remake of a remake of a sequel of a cool 1958 horror movie starring a young Steve McQueen. Really glad back then they made the blob a reddish brown (and growing more red as it consumes screaming citizens). If I saw a big brown blob headed down the street, I’d totally cover my nose and reach for a case of Febreze™ because it could be that King Kong just dropped one heckuva steamer.

Old Testament Horror

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Slashers, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 20, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Abominable Dr. Phibes

The horribly disfigured Dr. Anton Phibes was three things before that car crash back in 1921. (He was racing to the hospital to be by his wife’s side who died to death on the operating table before Phibes could get there.) 1. He was an expert in theology, the study of God and religious gunk. 2. He was an expert in music, and even built a robo-band in his secret hideaway to accompany his piped organ. 3. He was a master of revenge, setting ingenious traps inspired by the Old Testament’s ten plagues of Egypt on the doctors who failed to keep his gorgeous wife from freshness expiring. It’s clear who Jigsaw’s mentor is.

The Abominable Dr. Phibes

Even though he was presumed dead, Phibes somehow managed to survive and has plotted his plot every since. He can’t talk as he drank a fiery gasoline cocktail that fried his larynx. But he can stick a plug into his neck that runs into an speaker to converse through his damaged yapper. Clearly, Tom Waits has a mentor.

The Abominable Dr. Phibes

Phibes also has a hottie assistant named Vulnavia who is mute, the best kind of assistant to have. They conspire to track down the physicians and exact vengeance in the corresponding ten plagues, which includes – but is not limited to – bats, frogs, locusts and…dripping acid. I’m not up on bible stuff, but if Moses used acid on the Pharaoh, that would totally kick scripture.

The Abominable Dr. Phibes

One by one the doctors are luridly discharged from life, while Phibes celebrates by blow-torching wax head likenesses of his victims. His robo-band – Dr. Phibes’ Clockwork Wizards (cool name; I’d buy their album) – provides a nice big band jazz-y soundtrack. But all of this is forming clues as apparent to Scotland Yard’s Inspector Trout. (Insert your own joke here.)

The Abominable Dr. Phibes

Phibes, though, is saving the best death for Dr. Vesalius, the head physician who preceded over Victoria’s failed surgery. Capturing Vesalius’ son, Phibes straps the boy to a surgical table in the basement of his mega-mansion, with a coiled tube full of skin-melting acid making it’s way towards the boy’s unhappy face. Vesalius is called to the trap and has six minutes to surgically extract a key from the unconscious boy’s torso, which will unlock the locks holding him to the table. (You may recall this similar scene employed in 2004’s Saw.)

The Abominable Dr. Phibes

While Vesalius is operating and sweating like an Old testament pig, Phibes, through his robo-throat, confesses what this is all about. His ultimate goal is to seal himself in a coffin that holds his wife’s preserved body in a shiny pajama robe, and descend under the floor of his mega-mansion while Vulnavia destroys the Clockwork Wizards. (She need not bother; music critics already did that, calling their music “stiff and lifeless.” Ouch.)

The Abominable Dr. Phibes

The Abominable Dr. Phibes (1971) is great black horror comedy, raising the bar on revenge and giving an homage nod to The Phantom of the Opera (1925). Better yet, I hear the unspeaking Vulnavia is single – mute button included.

Showdown With A Vampire

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 15, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Curse of the Undead

What do you get when you cross a vampire with a western set in the 1880s? Butchered Cassidy and the Sun-blanched Kid? The Good, The Bad, And The Toothy? The Man Who Impaled Liberty Valance? Kinda. What you really get is Curse of the Undead (1959), an unusual but cowboy dialogue-rich western with a vampire as the man in black bloodslinger. (Heh.)

Curse of the UndeadAs odd as this one is, it’s oddly mesmerizing, not because the vampire is a hired gun and can walk in the sunlight (though it hurts his eyeballs); It’s the amazing dialogue that bites good and hard. But I’ll get to that.

Curse of the Undead

A disease is killing of young girls in a paint-by-numbers old west town. This is further escalated when Doc Carter, thinking he’s got a boot in front of the virus, loses yet another patient. To complicate matters, Buffer, a neighboring bully rancher, has been cattle blocking the Carter farm, denying them water for their milk makers. The no-pushover sheriff intervenes in a bar where Buffer and his boot buddies are gettin’ their whiskey on. What follows is a pure cowboy word beatin’…

Curse of the Undead

“You blow real hard when you got those laughing hyenas around you…” “I got two choices – either arrest ya or shoot ya. Either one would suit me fine. So draw your gun or shut your mouth…” “You want Doc Carter’s spread like your mouth has been doin’…” 

Curse of the Undead

There’s even better stuff when Doc Carter gets vamped, his teen kid, thinking that Buff did it and got all fired up like a cow brand, fixes to shoot Buff Stuff dead in the mouth. But not before six or seven shots of whiskey…

“Nothin’ you can do bothers me ’cause I know you’re talkin’ out of a bottle…” “This gun don’t care who it shoots…” “Why don’t you two stop this manure spreadin’?

Man, that last one’s my new catch-phrase. And it works for any occasion!

Curse of the Undead

So where’s the vampire while all this manure spreadin’ is going on? Watching from the sidelines. Introducing himself as Drake Robey, he answers the $100 reward poster offered by the last surviving Carter sibling after big mouth Timmy is shot by Buffer, right smack in the saloon. (Legal note: Buffer was not indicted; Tim Tim drew first, but Buffer drew firster.)

There’s a diary narrated back story about how Drake came to be a vampire, something about killing his brother in the back for making lips with his wife, then killing himself with possibly the same knife. Cursed, he now roams the land as dressed in black mercenary.

Curse of the Undead

Delores Carter, left to carry on the family name, hires Drake to put Buffer out of everyone’s misery. But the local preacher, with a holy cross button “made from the thorns of the crucifixion” (he got it on eBay™) discovers Drakes secret and challenges him to a showdown in the streets. Let’s just say the preacher got Drake to “button” his lips.

Curse of the Undead

Great fun for classic western action, but a dud with the vampire stuff, which was depicted as three people with the two bite holes in their necks and Drake, without so much as a crooked tooth, acting less a cursed member of the undead and more like a paranormal pistol packer.

For another odd vampire western, try Billy The Kid vs. Dracula (1966). The plot is pure spread manure.

Will The Last Man On Earth Please Turn Out The Lights?

Posted in Classic Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Vampires, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 13, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Last Man on Earth

If it weren’t for those infected vampire zombies mucking things up, then the not infected Dr. Robert Morgan (Vincent Price) would certainly be the last man on Earth. Just when you think you can finally get some peace and quiet…

The Last Man on Earth

Dr. Rob is a scientist in The Last Man on Earth (1964) who tried to stop that viral plague from wiping out nearly the entire planet’s population by making everyone sneeze and cough themselves to death – including his wife and young daughter.

Now a widower who doesn’t have to worry about child support, the Earth-first doc spends his days loading rotting bodies into his station wagon and hauling ’em to a proper burial site, i.e., a burning car tire dump. Then there’s the irony of him hunting the vampire zombies and hammering stakes into their day-sleeping bodies – they need to go to the dump as well. Beats sitting around and reading.

The Last Man on Earth

He has to get the job done by nightfall as the staggering zombies awake and swarm his house while half-assedly whacking it with boards and calling his name to come out. You see, they want his uninfected blood. Probably tastes better than the city park raccoons they’ve been sucking on.

The Last Man on Earth

For the most part Dr. Rob keeps the zombies at bay with garlic and mirrors on the front door. (Zombies/vampires don’t like/can’t see their own reflections and therefore smash the mirrors, which forces Rob to keep shoplifting for new ones.) When he sleeps, Rob plays popular music really loud to distract from the incessant zombie clattering. Then he has dreams of the plague taking out the world and family. In one kinda grisly flashback, he sees the military collecting the dead bodies and throwing them into the aforementioned burning landfill – including his daughter. Harsh biscuits.

The Last Man on Earth

One day Rob comes across an uninfected chick. Well, hey – time to slap on some aftershave and get this party started! Turns out she’s a member of a posse still living by undergoing injections that make the blood bacteria dormant, but only for a while. Sucks to be them. After much yapping, he injects her with some of his inner goop to see if it will be a cure, never minding the mixing of opposing blood types that could kill her. (That’s why he’s a doctor and I’m not.)

The Last Man on Earth

The “cure” works, but her gang – along with the vampire zombies – chase and corner Dr. Rob in a church, where they… I already gave away 99% of the movie; do you seriously want me to wreck the ending? (Spoiler – watch the remake The Omega Man (1971) with Charleton Heston – it ends the same way.)

The Last Man on Earth

So how come Dr. Rob was immune to the plague in the first place? He was bitten by an infected vampire bat when he was stationed in Panama, which introduced a diluted form of the plague into his blood. Duh.

The Last Man on Earth

P.S. Try your best not to confuse this movie with The Last Man on Earth (1924) and The Last Man on Earth (2011). In case you’re writing this down: I Am Legend, also the same story, was released in 2007. Duh.

A Circus Full of Vampires

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Scream Queens, TV Vixens, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 10, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Vampire Circus

In Vampire Circus (1972), the caged panthers are people and the people are vampires. But not the monkeys. The monkeys are just plain monkeys. Too bad – monkey vampires would be pretty cool, I think.

Vampire Circus

But there’s a reason the entertaining Circus of the Night came to the plague-infested Austrian village of Stetl during the 19th Century. It was to exact revenge on the jittery townsfolk who, fifteen years earlier, assassinated Count Mitterhaus to death. The Count didn’t count on the villagers having enough strudel to serve him up a nice juicy stake for sucking the youth juice out the town’s kids and rubbing the bare boobies of both married and unmarried lady folk.

Vampire Circus

Turns out Mitterhaus has a cousin Emil who is the featured attraction in the aforementioned traveling circus. Before he chokes on the stake, he instructs his naked lady friend to find Emil to bring him back to life. Oh, and he manages to curse the village with the aforementioned plague because he’s kind of a dick.

Vampire Circus

Too prevent the germs from germinating the Germans, a blockade keeps the villagers from sneezing their way out of town. Yet somehow the circus gets in and the fun begins. First night of the show Emil – in panther form – transforms from animal to human. This mesmerizes the groin of the Bürgermeister’s young virginal daughter, who gives it up smooth to Emil in the panther cage after the show. And he didn’t even have to loosen her up with some sweet and refreshing Steinlager™.

Vampire Circus

The villagers are sucked on by the circus performers, who can even turn into bats, which I felt was pretty neat. But the goal from the get go was to resurrect Mitterhaus and his need to bleed those uppity townies.

Vampire Circus

There are six boobies, two of which are painted green with tiger stripes. Lots of neck chewing with blood so red, it would make ketchup jealous. Then there’s some head chopping, because vampires occasionally deserve that kind of treatment. As cool as that all is, monkey vampires would’ve really taken this thing all the way to the Big Top.