Fire’d Monsters, Condo Snakes, Undead Algae

Illustrator Chet Phillips has come up with a cool line of monster matchbook covers done in homage to retro Chinese matchbooks packaging art. Had these been around when I was a kid, I would’ve played with matches a LOT more. (Note: siblings are fun to practice your fire-starter skillz on.)

From Chet’s Etsy™ page: “Each $12.00 signed print measures 3.5” x 5.5” with mat and backing board that measures to 5” x 7.” Fits perfectly in a 5” x 7” frame. Created to emulate a vintage matchbox art label.” Note: Chet also sells 11”x17” versions for $25.00. Wonder if he’ll ever do a matchbook fire sale? Heh.

So while we wish this art was on actual boxes of matches (for collecting and campfire creating purposes), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not set the world — or your brother’s sleeping bag — on fire…

CAPSULES / March 31, 2023 (VOD)

“After experimenting with mysterious substances, four chem students find themselves addicted in the worst way possible: they’ll die unless they take more.”

Clearly, these amateurs have never been to the Tug Tavern. It’s a sound business model.

CALAMITY OF SNAKES / April 25, 2023 (DVD, Blu-ray)

“A developer discovers a snake pit full of thousands of deadly serpents on the construction site of a new apartment building. To avoid any construction delays, the developer brutally exterminates the snakes. Believing the problem has been solved, he allows the new tenants to move into the building. However, not all the snakes have been killed and the many survivors and their kin are out to avenge their murdered brothers and sisters. Soon, all hell breaks loose, and the building’s new tenants come under vicious attack by a squirming army of angry and vengeful serpents.”

It’s like Willard (1971), but with icky snakes instead of icky rats. This one came out in South Korea in 1982, but is FINALLY getting an official US release now. That only took 40 years. (P.S. The original title was, War Between Men and Snakes, or Ren she da zhan.) There’s a “cruelty-free” version as part of the bonus materials, for all you snake-huggers. P.S. Why would you hug an icky snake? Weirdos.

A HARD PLACE / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Steve is a shy guy who lives to take care of his sister, every since their parents were killed tragically years before. He uses humor and sarcasm as a defense mechanism and is not too keen on their recent criminal endeavors.”

Um…what? I would’ve walked away from this right here, but A Hard Place is being described as a “large-scale monster vs. monster movie that is going to blow the lid off indie horror. It features two brand new types of creatures that have never been seen before.” This kind of hyperbole won’t work on the educated masses. However, it sounds cool to me, so I’m in.

IT CAME FROM THE WATER / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A group of high school graduates — tired of successive lock-downs — decide to organize a party of a lifetime at the seaside. Despite alarmingly high concentrations of blue-green algae in the Baltic Sea and cases of strange infections, initially everything goes normally: beach, dancing, sex, drinking, throes of love and disappointments. However, minute by minute the whole thing starts to get out of hand. A zombie plague strikes in the middle of the party.”

They should’ve called this, Spring Outbreak. They can license that from me via PayPal™.

Frightful Figurine, Vagrant Vampires, Germ Grub

Of the many non-alcohol-related things to spend your money on, you can’t do much better than a huge Pennywise doll that’s almost as tall as you are, assuming you’re over four feet in height, not counting high heels/platform Disco shoes. The only thing scarier than this doll, though, is its price: $699.99. Whew — glad it’s not $700.00 as that would break the bank.

From the freakin’ awesome Trick or Treat Studio’s™ website: “Warner Bros.™ and Trick or Treat Studios™ are proud to present the Official IT Pennywise Premium Scale Doll. Sculpted by Mark Anthony, this amazing doll measures 50” tall and is made of soft flexible foam surrounding an industrial strength posable aluminum frame. The doll is dressed in highly detailed clothing and shoes and features a beautiful paint job. The IT Pennywise Premium Scale Doll comes in a themed window box.”

Shipping is estimated to begin May 8, 2023 — just in time for National No Socks Day. And yes, that’s a real holiday. (Still waiting for National No Pants Day because, hey…NO PANTS!) The website also tells us the IT Pennywise Premium Scale Doll does not stand on its own without support. Well heck, neither do I.

So while we’re “donating” blood for cash 85 times in order to pay for this must-have punchinello (sorry — word of the day calendar. Apparently, it means “clown”), here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not stand on their own without support…

DOWN AND OUT IN VAMPIRE HILLS / Out now (VOD)

“Vampires are at the top of the food chain. They are glamorous, seductive, elegant, and magnetic. They can also be old, out of touch and a tad eccentric. What does a vampire have to do to survive in the 21st century? Seriously, do vampires have to get jobs? How else to pay the rent? Homelessness and bloodsucking collide in this tale and the question that is asked is: Are vampires predators or prey? Even vampires can be down and out in a time when no one knows who is eating whom. On the other hand, if a vampire has a pair of cute boots, she may be able to handle anything.”

Makes sense that vampires would want to squat in an upscale community. Boots — social media-deemed cute or otherwise — are hard to find in Transylvania. A stylish cape maybe, but not footwear to digitally flaunt/die for.

THE HARBINGER / Release pending 2022 (VOD)

“When her oldest friend is plagued by horrific nightmares from the beyond, Monique is forced to travel to NYC. On the first night of the visit, Monique learns the dreams are contagious – and so is the Harbinger, the plague mask-wearing demon who not only feeds on its victim’s souls, but warps reality itself to remove any trace of their existence.”

Wish I could do that. By that I mean be a mask-wearing demon, but not feed on souls. Souls taste weird and don’t leave you feeling satiated. Plague sandwiches on the other hand…

ERBSÜNDE / Release pending 2023 (Theaters/VOD)

“In search of an adventurous story in the woods, a group of journalism students awaken a superhuman being from its lost cyro chamber. A long night of man-hunting and desperation begins.”

If I was a super-human being who just woke up in the woods, the first thing I’d do is kick a tree in half, fry the students who disturbed my ancient slumber with zig-zaggy beams that shoot out of my eyes, and punch an aircraft carrier right in the anchor. Then I’d go a get a Deluxe Burger and a small Diet Coke™ at Frisko Freeze™. Wow, I really went off the road just now.

HELLBILLY HOLLOW / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Bull not only protects his not-so-small younger brother from the outside world — but also the outside world from Tickles. A team of YouTube™ paranormal activity investigators come to a haunted attraction in the backwoods and find more than they bargained for as they follow thrill-seekers on a haunted hayride. Fear and death follow those who enter and seek the past.”

Someone is named Tickles? I’m so dang mad at my mom for not naming me that. Thanks a lot…MOM. If I was named Tickles, not only would I instill fear and death ‘n stuff, I’d charge a LOT more for haunted hay rides and… Geez, still coloring outside the lines. I gotta stop eating those chocolate-covered psychedelic mushrooms with sprinkles. If I was named Sprinkles…

Zombie Kingdom

Do you like watching skin-snacking zombies tearing into soon-to-be-expired flesh? Who doesn’t? Which is why, if you aren’t already, you might wanna watch Kingdom, a period piece Korean zombie six-episode flesh-fest that showed up on Netflix™ on January 25, 2019. I do believe with all my heart that was just a few weeks ago as of this writing.

I previewed this a period piece ago, but in case you were combing your hair and missed it, here’s the premise…

“The deceased king rises and a mysterious plague begins to spread; the prince must face a new breed of enemies to unveil the evil scheme and save his people.”

Sort of tantalizing, but it doesn’t begin to hint at the slaughterhouse gore and zombie action therein. The first episode, set back in the days where starving poor people lived in house made out of bamboo and mud and rich people wallowed in the mud of wealth and much cleaner clothes, takes nearly the whole one hour first show to get going. But when it does, have something to clean up the mud you’ll no doubt fill your pants with.

An overloaded “hospital” (made of bamboo and mud) is getting desperate for food and medicine. The 100 year old head doctor hasn’t been seen for days. And when he finally shows up, he’s carrying the rotting corpse of a young unlucky previous human. Well hey, cook that sucker up and feed it to the ecstatic starving people! Just don’t tell them what they’re eating. (It tastes like Peking duck — a bit gamey, but lip-smackingly tasty.)

Once consumed, people go into mouth-frothing spasms, die painfully, then come back to life and go all World War Z on everybody standing nearby not yet dead. And like the zombies in World War Z (2013), these undead heads relentlessly run, tackle, climb and throw themselves off roofs. And they do something else not usually seen in zombie movies. (No spoiler, but there’s a hint in 2007’s I Am Legend.)

It only takes a few seconds for a zombie bite to get you up and running, which means this plague is a flippin’ pandemic. Tons of butt-clenching close calls, explicit gore and a sub-plot involving the royal elite abandoning their lower than lower class subjects. It will make you mad if you’re lower than low.

Get past the political positioning first episode and get ready for a top notch flesh-snacking, which does a good job of leveling the social class playing field.

Galloping Ghosts, Another Apocalypse, Leggy Mermaids

Wanna play rare and classic horror/sci-fi-themed pinball? Then you’re gonna have to gallop to the Galloping Ghost Arcade in Brookfield, IL. Depending where you live if not in Brookfield, the cost of getting there will be a LOT of quarters.

The famed arcade now has said super rare pinball machines, ready to suck up your pocket change like a hobo Roomba™: Twilight Zone, A Nightmare on Elm Street, The Addams Family, Godzilla (the sucky 1998 monster, not the non-sucky 1954 version), Tales From The Crypt, Creature From The Black Lagoon, Aliens, and the super-rare one-of-a-kind prototype of Predator, with red skulls on elongated skeletal spines mounted on each side of the machine. If you lose, your skull plus spine gets ripped out and hung on the trophy wall. (It’d be cool if that were true.)

$15 — $20 gets you unlimited play on all the machines all day. I would’ve paid at least $20.01. So while you inner weep with anguish that you’re not within tilting distance of the Galloping Ghost Arcade, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi TV series and movies that may or may not give you unlimited viewing for $20, give or take a few quarters…

THE PASSAGE (January 14, 2019/Fox™)
“Based on author Justin Cronin’s trilogy of the same name, The Passage is a character-driven action drama that focuses on Project Noah, a secret medical facility where scientists experiment with a dangerous virus that could lead to the cure for all disease — but it also could potentially wipe out the human race. When a young girl is chosen to be a test subject, a federal agent is tasked with bringing her in, but he becomes her surrogate father, determined to protect her at any cost — even as Project Noah’s work threatens to unleash an unimaginable apocalypse.”

This one’s a TV series and sounds apocalyptical-y edgier than we’re used to getting from the Fox Network. The irony here being that most of Fox’s programming qualifies as apocalyptical-y craptacular, Gotham, The Exorcist and Lucifer notwithstanding. (Hell’s Kitchen? Is that stupid thing still on the air?)

10 (January 18, 2019/Netflix)
“Sam, a teenage girl, is one of the last people on a post-cataclysmic Earth. With the final shuttle scheduled to leave the planet, she must decide whether to journey to the launch point and join the rest of humanity, or remain on Earth, a castaway in the only home she has ever known.”

This looks to be based on an episode of Futurama (“A Farewell To Arms”/2012). Don’t screw with a guy who knows his cartoons.

THE GOLEM (February 5, 2019)
“During an outbreak of a deadly plague, a young woman, Hanna, must save her tight-knit Jewish community from invaders. Turning to Jewish mysticism, she conjures a dangerous entity to protect her and her people. However, the powerful creature she summons may be far more evil than anything she could have ever imagined.”

Wrote about the original Golem before — several times. It was done in 1915 and was a German silent film, blah, blah, blah. And yes, there have been remakes with the EXACT SAME PLOT.

THE ISLE (February, 2019/Limited theater release)
“Set in 1846 on a remote island off the west coast of Scotland, where three survivors from a mysterious sinking of their merchant ship find themselves stranded on a small misty isle. The isle’s four sole secretive residents, an old harbor man, a farmer, his niece and a young mad woman, are anything but welcoming and reluctant to aid the sailors back to the mainland. The promise of a boat never materializes leading one of the sailors to question why people had abandoned the island. Through his investigation he discovers that every year around the same date a tragedy at sea would occur and young men from the island would perish. When his two shipmates meet with fatal accidents, the myth of a ghostly siren haunting the island leads him to try and uncover the truth.”

Sounds like mermaids with legs. (Come to think of it, nice visual.) This also seems to echo the plot of the new movie, The Vanishing (2019). I haven’t seen that one yet, but I don’t think it has mermaids with legs. Too bad; I might’ve watched it twice by now. 

Sweet Tooth Sci-Fi, Early-Period Zombies, Marsh Monster

If you’re a fan of Stranger Things (and who on this planet isn’t?), Itsugar.com just made available a whole bowl of Stranger Things themed candy, from My Little Pollywog gummy to Barb Missing Milk Carton (full of chocolate malt balls) to the Upside Down Chocolate Bar — half premium milk chocolate and half gray-speckled white chocolate. Pack your bags — you’re about to go to Yum Town.

Before you go indulging your taste for all things stranger and sweet, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi streaming series, which may or may not give you cavities…

STRANGER THINGS 3 (July 4, 2019/Netflix™)
Titles for the new episodes include: “Suzie, Do You Copy?, “The Mall Rats,” “The Case of the Missing Lifeguard,” “The Sauna Test,” “The Source,” “The Birthday,” “The Bite” and “The Battle of Starcourt.”

That’s all they’re giving us for now. Fine by me — the Stranger Things series is so addictively bingeful, it should be classified as some sort of visual drug, like porno. Except instead of Jennifer Lawrence’s Photoshopped naked/nude body wrapped around mine, you get the Demogorgon, which may or may not know who Jennifer Lawrence is. Or me.

KINGDOM (January 26, 2019/Netflix™)
In a kingdom defeated by corruption and famine, a mysterious plague spreads to turn the infected into monsters. The crown prince, framed for treason and desperate to save his people, sets out on a journey to unveil what evil lurks in the dark.

Looking forward to this South Korean period piece zombie apocalypse chewfest. And hey, it’s gonna be a series, which means more couch time for this professional squatter.

THE PUNISHER (2019/Netflix™)
“After exacting revenge on those responsible for the death of his wife and children, Frank Castle uncovers a conspiracy that runs far deeper than New York’s criminal underworld. Now known throughout the city as The Punisher, he must discover the truth about injustices that affect more than his family alone.”

If you saw Season One of Netflix’s The Punisher, it certainly lived up to its name — each show contained some of the most face-pinchingly brutal fight scenes this side of Daredevil ever filmed for enjoyment purposes. And Jon Bernthal, who played the loose cannon Shane on The Walking Dead, is the perfect choice to deliver the business end of his pummel-happy fists. I am so happy right now.

SWAMP THING (2019/DC Universe)
“Abby Arcane, an employee at Atlanta’s Center for Disease Control, investigates what seems to be a deadly swamp-born virus in a small town in Louisiana but soon discovers that the swamp holds mystical and terrifying secrets.”

A new series set to stream on DC Universe. As much as Swamp Thing is cool, it remains to be seen if he’s $7.99 a month cool.

A World of Vampires

The world is a vampire. Literally. It’s 2019. Ten years ago, an unexplained plague turned those that leak blood into those that drink blood. Oh sure, there are a few humans left, but they’re pretty much cows the vampires milk dry. So much so, the world is just about out of the sweet red body sauce. 

Edward Dalton is a blood scientist who has been trying for six years to come up with a human blood substitute. His latest batch made a test subject explode. BLAMMO —   vampire guts all over the walls and floors, as if the room itself was mortally injured. Dalton won’t drink human blood because he’s against wiping out an entire species. What a wuss. In the human world, we’d call him a people-hugger.

One night he helps an SUV full of humans evade the cops. They later track him down in hopes he can help them find a cure for vampirism. (Yeah — it’s called a stake through the heart, b*tch!)

Elvis is a classic car restorer and part of the vampire resistance movement who, when in bloodsucker form years ago, went joy-riding in the daylight and crashed, his body flaming the second he went Superman-ing through the windshield. The accident, while hurting like hell, transformed Elvis back into a human. Dalton needs to recreate that event in order to find a way out of this sucking of blood business. He has to hurry as the military — led by his vampire brother — and a near-rioting society is breathing down his back.

If you’re starved of human blood and all its deliciousness, you slowly revert into a primal state vampire, one of pure aggression, a mummified body, leathery bat wings, and unpleasant butt breath. These creatures, called Subsiders, are so hungry they feed on fellow vampires, which speeds up the mutation process.

Through it all, though, Daybreakers (2009) left you wanting more and less. More, as in Subsiders. Less, as in talking. Don’t get me wrong; Daybreakers is a visual stunner and has some killer graphic gore; Subsiders are chained and pulled out into the sunlight, where they ignite like campfire marshmallows. I just wanted to see more of the Subsiders making a cherry pie out of your face. If you’re gonna go to all that trouble to make a screaming, angry man-bat, put it to work chowing down on neck sandwiches. The rest will write itself.

Mothman, Bigfoot, Body Wash, Bar Stools

To hear other people tell it, I fell off my bar stool the other night. I prefer to frame it as the bar stool got tired of me sitting on it for six hours and decided to take its business elsewhere.

As for the falling part, there was a puddle of some sort of liquid under the chair, which was quite slippery and thus facilitated the mishap. Pretty sure it was Dove Body Wash®. That, or WD-40®. The conspiracy theorist in me leans towards it being a proportional solution made of the two popular lubes and then discreetly applied under the bar stool by, you guessed it, one of those creepy Men in Black. I hate those guys.

Speaking of falling for things, here’s four more new and upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that may or may not knock you on your ass…

THE MOTHMAN OF POINT PLEASANT (available now)
“Learn the terrifying, true story about thirteen months that changed history. In November of 1966, a car full of kids encountered a creature unlike anything they’d ever seen before. In the weeks and months to follow, the monster (now known as The Mothman) was sighted again and again on country roads and around the state of West Virginia.”

This is an intriguing documentary that covers a lot of leavings but leaves one question unanswered — who gave Mothman his cool name? I bet that person is a millionaire now because of it. So if I was offered a million bucks to name a local folklore legend monster that, to date, hasn’t killed anyone or even so much as littered the streets of Point Pleasant (hence the name), I’d have called him (or her)…Mega-Pigeon (or scientifically, Mega-Columba Livia Domestica.) The logo could look all heavy metal and probably sell a LOT of t-shirts. You really need to think about marketing strategies with a name that totally b*tchin’.

SEVEN SISTERS (2017)
“Set in a world where families are allowed only one child due to overpopulation, a resourceful set of seven identical sisters must avoid governmental execution and dangerous infighting while investigating the disappearance of one of their own.”

Dang — seven identical sisters? Never mind trying to figure out who is who, can you imagine trying to get in a some meaningful bathroom time? Forget about it. For a cool old sci-fi movie about limiting children (which I’m for, by the way), seek out the 1972 Danish-American sci-fi moving picture show, Z.P.G., which stands for Zero Population Growth. In that one you’re given robot babies instead of allowing you to make your own. Not nearly as much fun, but zero diaper changing as well. Sometimes you have to give a little to get a little.

THE DARK MILE (2017)
“London couple Louise and Clare book a sailing trip in the Highlands to recover from a personal tragedy. The location may be idyllic but soon they are tormented by a black industrial barge that follows them, and by the dysfunctional folk on board.”

First, they broke the cardinal rule of using the overused/generic/weak word “dark” in the title. Secondly, if you work on a black industrial barge, you’re probably predisposed to being dysfunctional. Wonder what the pay is? I could fit right in.

THE MAN WHO KILLED HITLER AND THEN THE BIGFOOT (2018)
“Legendary American war veteran Calvin Barr who, decades after serving in WWII and assassinating Adolf Hitler, must now hunt down the fabled Bigfoot. Living a peaceful life in New England, the former veteran is contacted by the FBI and the Royal Canadian Mounted Police to lead the charge as the creature is carrying a deadly plague and is hidden deep inside the Canadian wilderness.”

A hot contender for horror movie title of the year, albeit a bit of a mouth employer. (Note to movie titlers — take “Then The” out of it. Practically leaps off the tongue and into a soulful eight-beer-in conversation. My only issue — they tell you in the movie’s name he murder-killed Bigfoot.

Hitler certainly had it coming. But Bigfoot? What’s he ever done besides throwing Mountain Doo at intrusive hikers? They go on to say Biggie carries a deadly plaque and is hidden deep inside the Canadian wilderness. If that’s true, it means he’s not planning any day trips to town any time soon, so leave him be. As for the nature of the plaque, just give him some Alka-Seltzer Plus® – Cold & Cough Liquid Gels (you gotta break ‘em open and suck out the juicy goodness) with a beer back to cleanse the palette afterward. Plague? Solved.

Pools of Horror, Zombie Submarines, Misshapen Monsters

Just watched Unacknowledged (2017), that amazing documentary on the disclosure cover-up of UFOS and the technology they bring to the conspiracy dinner table. Did you know the government has known about UFOs since the late ’40s and that they won’t publicly admit it? if I was an alien, I’d be hot around the lunar collar that I went to all that trouble to come here, just to be associated with that whole “fake news” hoopla. So much for cordial relations with our space brothers.

Speaking of hoopla, here are a few new horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be fake…

12 FEET DEEP (June 20, 2017/VOD)
“Sisters Bree and Jonna get trapped beneath the fiberglass cover of an Olympic sized public pool after it closes for the holiday weekend. They find themselves at the mercy of the night janitor, Clara, who sees the trapped sisters as an opportunity to solve a few problems of her own.”

This one was originally titled The Deep End. I think a porn movie already locked up that one. The plot is just a reworking of 2010’s Frozen, wherein two guys and a gal get stuck halfway up the mountain on a ski lift that just closed for the weekend. Which begs the question — would you rather freeze to death or be trapped in a public pool that also serves as a all-inclusive toilet for the less discreet among us? Think I’d take my chances on becoming a human popsicle.

DARK BEACON (2017)
“Amy Wilcock loves the married Beth Gadbsy with a fierce and tragic passion. When Beth’s distraught husband Christian dies in an emotional intervention, the now widow disappears with her daughter Maya into secret seclusion. Amy eventually tracks Beth down to a distant lighthouse only to find her broken and maddened in the midst of an alcoholic abyss. But that is not all she finds. They shockingly discover that the spirit of Beth’s spurned husband will not rest until he takes the surviving trio with him. Can Amy save them all from the spiral of madness and the crazed and hell-bent supernatural threat?”

First thought — waaaay too much plot getting in the way of a simple ghost story. For a really fun/funny (it was meant to be serious, but I didn’t interpret it as such) back-from-the-dead lighthouse/beach movie, give 1960s’ Tormented a spin. In that one a jazz musician “accidentally” kills his side trim (jazz term for “groupie”) by “letting” her fall from a lighthouse. She, of course, comes back from the dead, headless and yelling her head off, “Tom Howard killed me!” Those could be good lyrics for a snappy dance number if Tom would just roll with it.

OPERATION RAGNAROK (2017)
“In a town in southern Sweden, tensions between the locals and immigrants grow. Meanwhile, a submarine carrying a strange plague enters the town. The crew infects police officers out to investigate and a full-blooded outbreak begins. The town is isolated by the Swedish army, but the survivors inside, immigrants and locals alike, must band together against the infected.”

This one was originally titled Zon 261. I don’t know what a Zon is. As for the plague aboard the submarine, you sure it just isn’t a case of jock itch gone wild shared by guys stuck underwater for weeks on end with no windows to air out the place?

THE BLOB (2018)
“When a band of miners uncover something hidden deep beneath the earth they unwittingly unleash a hideous creature beyond imagination. Now the townsfolk must fightback, before it destroys everything.”

A remake of a remake of a sequel of a cool 1958 horror movie starring a young Steve McQueen. Really glad back then they made the blob a reddish brown (and growing more red as it consumes screaming citizens). If I saw a big brown blob headed down the street, I’d totally cover my nose and reach for a case of Febreze™ because it could be that King Kong just dropped one heckuva steamer.

Old Testament Horror

The horribly disfigured Dr. Anton Phibes was three things before that car crash back in 1921. (He was racing to the hospital to be by his wife’s side who died to death on the operating table before Phibes could get there.) 1. He was an expert in theology, the study of God and religious gunk. 2. He was an expert in music, and even built a robo-band in his secret hideaway to accompany his piped organ. 3. He was a master of revenge, setting ingenious traps inspired by the Old Testament’s ten plagues of Egypt on the doctors who failed to keep his gorgeous wife from freshness expiring. It’s clear who Jigsaw’s mentor is.

Even though he was presumed dead, Phibes somehow managed to survive and has plotted his plot every since. He can’t talk as he drank a fiery gasoline cocktail that fried his larynx. But he can stick a plug into his neck that runs into an speaker to converse through his damaged yapper. Clearly, Tom Waits has a mentor.

Phibes also has a hottie assistant named Vulnavia who is mute, the best kind of assistant to have. They conspire to track down the physicians and exact vengeance in the corresponding ten plagues, which includes – but is not limited to – bats, frogs, locusts and…dripping acid. I’m not up on bible stuff, but if Moses used acid on the Pharaoh, that would totally kick scripture.

One by one the doctors are luridly discharged from life, while Phibes celebrates by blow-torching wax head likenesses of his victims. His robo-band – Dr. Phibes’ Clockwork Wizards (cool name; I’d buy their album) – provides a nice big band jazz-y soundtrack. But all of this is forming clues as apparent to Scotland Yard’s Inspector Trout. (Insert your own joke here.)

Phibes, though, is saving the best death for Dr. Vesalius, the head physician who preceded over Victoria’s failed surgery. Capturing Vesalius’ son, Phibes straps the boy to a surgical table in the basement of his mega-mansion, with a coiled tube full of skin-melting acid making it’s way towards the boy’s unhappy face. Vesalius is called to the trap and has six minutes to surgically extract a key from the unconscious boy’s torso, which will unlock the locks holding him to the table. (You may recall this similar scene employed in 2004’s Saw.)

While Vesalius is operating and sweating like an Old testament pig, Phibes, through his robo-throat, confesses what this is all about. His ultimate goal is to seal himself in a coffin that holds his wife’s preserved body in a shiny pajama robe, and descend under the floor of his mega-mansion while Vulnavia destroys the Clockwork Wizards. (She need not bother; music critics already did that, calling their music “stiff and lifeless.” Ouch.)

The Abominable Dr. Phibes (1971) is great black horror comedy, raising the bar on revenge and giving an homage nod to The Phantom of the Opera (1925). Better yet, I hear the unspeaking Vulnavia is single – mute button included.

Showdown With A Vampire

What do you get when you cross a vampire with a western set in the 1880s? Butchered Cassidy and the Sun-blanched Kid? The Good, The Bad, And The Toothy? The Man Who Impaled Liberty Valance? Kinda. What you really get is Curse of the Undead (1959), an unusual but cowboy dialogue-rich western with a vampire as the man in black bloodslinger. (Heh.)

As odd as this one is, it’s oddly mesmerizing, not because the vampire is a hired gun and can walk in the sunlight (though it hurts his eyeballs); It’s the amazing dialogue that bites good and hard. But I’ll get to that.

A disease is killing of young girls in a paint-by-numbers old west town. This is further escalated when Doc Carter, thinking he’s got a boot in front of the virus, loses yet another patient. To complicate matters, Buffer, a neighboring bully rancher, has been cattle blocking the Carter farm, denying them water for their milk makers. The no-pushover sheriff intervenes in a bar where Buffer and his boot buddies are gettin’ their whiskey on. What follows is a pure cowboy word beatin’…

“You blow real hard when you got those laughing hyenas around you…” “I got two choices – either arrest ya or shoot ya. Either one would suit me fine. So draw your gun or shut your mouth…” “You want Doc Carter’s spread like your mouth has been doin’…” 

There’s even better stuff when Doc Carter gets vamped, his teen kid, thinking that Buff did it and got all fired up like a cow brand, fixes to shoot Buff Stuff dead in the mouth. But not before six or seven shots of whiskey…

“Nothin’ you can do bothers me ’cause I know you’re talkin’ out of a bottle…” “This gun don’t care who it shoots…” “Why don’t you two stop this manure spreadin’?

Man, that last one’s my new catch-phrase. And it works for any occasion!

So where’s the vampire while all this manure spreadin’ is going on? Watching from the sidelines. Introducing himself as Drake Robey, he answers the $100 reward poster offered by the last surviving Carter sibling after big mouth Timmy is shot by Buffer, right smack in the saloon. (Legal note: Buffer was not indicted; Tim Tim drew first, but Buffer drew firster.)

There’s a diary narrated back story about how Drake came to be a vampire, something about killing his brother in the back for making lips with his wife, then killing himself with possibly the same knife. Cursed, he now roams the land as dressed in black mercenary.

Delores Carter, left to carry on the family name, hires Drake to put Buffer out of everyone’s misery. But the local preacher, with a holy cross button “made from the thorns of the crucifixion” (he got it on eBay™) discovers Drakes secret and challenges him to a showdown in the streets. Let’s just say the preacher got Drake to “button” his lips.

Great fun for classic western action, but a dud with the vampire stuff, which was depicted as three people with the two bite holes in their necks and Drake, without so much as a crooked tooth, acting less a cursed member of the undead and more like a paranormal pistol packer.

For another odd vampire western, try Billy The Kid vs. Dracula (1966). The plot is pure spread manure.