Archive for Florida

Photographic Jaws, Mixtape Monsters, Gator Aid

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Sharks with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 4, 2019 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Jaws

No question the poster for Jaws (1975) is one of the most iconic pieces of movie art of all time. Illustrated by Roger Kastel, the art has been turned into everything from book covers and board games, to countless parodies and baby blankets. And thanks to British filmmaker/cage diver Euan Rannachan, we now get to see the Jaws poster come to life, featuring his uncanny photo of a real shark swimming Jaws-style towards some soon-to-be happy meal.

Jaws

As first reported by the Daily Mail, Euan took the one-in-a-million pic off the coast of Mexico. Here’s what he had to say about that: “The shark in my image is a female and her name is Squirrel. We’d been with her for a while. We have these people on the boat called shark wranglers and they throw these two-foot chunks of tuna to get the shark close to the surface,” Rannachan told the site, explaining how he got the perfect photograph of the seventeen-foot shark. A guy named Crazy Luis stood up on the boat to bring the shark to us as we sat on the surface in the shark cage.”

Jaws

Crazy Luis seems like someone you’d want to fiesta with. And while we spitball alternative names for a shark other than Squirrel (?!?), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be improved by adding two-foot chunks of tuna to ’em…

Starfish

STARFISH (May 28, 2019)
When a mysterious signal from an unknown dimension summons the end of days, it appears as if only Aubrey is left on earth. Trapped in the apartment of her recently deceased best friend, the only clue she has is a single cassette left behind after her friend’s death, labeled: “THIS MIXTAPE WILL SAVE THE WORLD.” Thrust into a mystery orchestrated by her friend and stricken with grief, Aubrey begins to piece the clues together, uncovering a series of tapes all with pieces of the mystery signal. Along the way, progress is impeded when monstrous creatures begin to overrun the world and enclose in on her. Aubrey is forced to fight off the encroaching creatures and move beyond her own crippling grief in order to find the remaining tapes. But will completing The Signal save the world?”

Wonder if the mixtape has R.E.M.’s “It’s the End of The World” on it? That’d be pretty funny if it did. So Aubrey is the last gal standing, facing off against giant monsters. As apocalyptic scenarios go, that’s not too shabby, even if it does “borrow” from The Last Man On Earth (1964), The Omega Man (1971) and I Am Legend (2007). Lesser so with The Last Woman on Earth (1960), which had two dudes fighting over her and all the shoe stores in the world open 24 hours a day.

Hallowed Ground

HALLOWED GROUND (June 11, 2019)
“A married couple, trying to rebuild their relationship after an affair, travels to a secluded cabin and stumbles into a blood feud between the Native American owners of the property and the neighboring clan, who obsessively guard their land and punish those who trespass on it in terrifying ways.”

About time Native Americans gave the business end of the tomahawk to those Republicans. I bet one of the terrifying ways to punish them would be to put ‘em in a teepee to reflect on their shameful behavior. Probably wouldn’t be able to make sit in a corner because, hey, teepees are round, man. I totally looked it up.

Crawl

CRAWL (July 12, 2019)
“When a massive hurricane hits her Florida hometown, Haley ignores evacuation orders to search for her missing father. Finding him gravely injured in the crawl space of their family home, the two become trapped by quickly encroaching floodwaters. As time runs out to escape the strengthening storm, Haley and her father discover that the rising water level is the least of their fears.”

Even though it takes the premise of Bait 3D (2012), it’s no spoiler that crocodiles and/or alligators end up in flooded houses and/or condos. The trailer for this one is insane cool, with many hungry reptiles showing up for this buffet, which has a lot of screaming deals. Heh.

Deathcember

DEATHCEMBER (2019)
“Coming soon, the holiday horror anthology Deathcember will open 24 doors to Hell for ‘the ultimate advent horror anthology movie.’ The anthology will feature 24 shorts by 24 directors from around the globe, each one taking a look at the dark side of the festive season. In “A Christmas Miracle,” a grieving mother who suffered a stillbirth is spending Christmas alone, when she is visited by an apparition that promises to bring her child back to life — but at what cost?”

Cool — hope they do a poster for all the segments; I need new wallpaper. Deathcember is even more cool than you think — the film crew was/is made up of almost entirely women. Women can be just as scary as men. Just ask any divorced dude.

Cannibals, Evil Hospitals, Murderous Relatives

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 30, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Thing

There’s good news and bad news about this awesome hand-painted poster of the 1981 remake of The Thing. The good news first: It was done by Matthew Peak, the guy who did five Nightmare on Elm Street movie posters. It’s 24”x36” and is hand-numbered and limited to 225 copies for $65.00. (And like my liver, it also glows in the dark.)

The bad news: The poster is already sold out. But check back with the super cool bottleneckgallery.com to see if it’ll be re-issued. You’re welcome. 

The Thing

So whilst I was on Christmas holiday, a bunch of horror/sci-fi movies were released without my permission. My biggest pet peeve with this blog is when movies slip under my radar. So if they got by you as well, here are a few new ones ready to view-per-pay…

The Harrowing

THE HARROWING (available now)
“Haunted by the ritualistic killing of his best friend, a vice detective determined to discover the truth goes undercover into a forensic hospital and is plunged into his own personal hell where demons might be real.”

The demon is really the hospital’s resident proctologist with a really big finger.

Book of Evil

BOOK OF EVIL (available now)
Stan Harris is a procrastinating horror novelist who gets a call from his publisher warning him that he’s only got until the end of the night to complete his latest work. As paranormal events start unfolding around him, Stan finds all new inspiration, and danger, while completing his stories.”

Hey Stan, if you want inspiration for horror stories, meet me at The Tug Tavern — I have such sights to show you.

Cannibals and Carpet Fitters

CANNIBALS AND CARPET FITTERS (available now)
“A group of carpet fitters are sent on a job to an old country house in the middle of nowhere. However they soon discover it’s a trap set up by the savage, cannibalistic family, The Hannings. The carpet fitters are forced to fight for their lives or risk ending up being the evenings dinner. Unfortunately they are not quite your typical heroes!”

Sounds like a British spin on Tucker And Dale Versus Evil (2010). That is not a bad thing. And hey, who doesn’t like British carpet fitters or cannibals, mate?

Sometimes Aunt Martha Does Dreadful Things

SOMETIMES AUNT MARTHA DOES DREADFUL THINGS (available now)
“While on the run from the law, two criminals decide to hide out in a small Florida town. The ringleader, Paul, concocts a plan to pretend to be his child-like accomplice Stanley’s estranged Aunt Martha. Taking over a large old house, Paul and Stanley attempt to lay low, but trouble soon arises when a local girl takes a liking to Stanley and invites him out with her friends. Paul, becoming increasingly paranoid, decides that the only way they can maintain their cover is by murdering everyone who has even the slightest suspicion of what’s really going on, but Stanley isn’t so sure he wants to keep on hiding.”

Cool movie title, but yeesh — this plot needs some work. Let’s start by taking out all the characters and improv the rest.

Nightmare Coffee Table, Really Mad Scientist, Sleep Strangler

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Slashers, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 21, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Freddy Coffee Table

If you’re like me and wake up everyday thinking, “Man, I wish I had a fully sculpted Freddy Krueger coffee table,” then you’re in luck. Designed by slaughterfx.com.au, you can own this spill-proof masterpiece for a mere $1499.00. (The 600 shipping might cost you your soul, though.)

Freddy Coffee Table

This pics displaying the table’s inherent coolness, are copyrighted by SlaughterFX, so guys, if I posted without permission, let me know and I’ll replace the news piece with things my cat did today. (P.S. I don’t really have a cat; it’s more of a raccoon/rat/seagull hybrid thing I found behind a 7-Eleven™. What was I doing behind a 7-Eleven™? None of your business.

And speaking of business, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be made into coffee tables…

Followers

FOLLOWERS (March 23, 2018)
Brooke and Caleb, a social media celebrity couple, are celebrating their special anniversary on a camping trip deep in the woods of sunny Florida. They plan on recording the entire trip for their fans, and Caleb even has a special surprise for her to make this weekend extra special. But they are not alone. Helpless and cut off from all communication, Brooke and Caleb are being followed by Nick and Jake, two aspiring filmmakers hell-bent on filming a documentary on how easy it is to track someone down through social media…and kill them.”

More social media horror designed for younger people hooked on digital relationships instead of analog ones. Then again, sleeping on digital wet spot is no longer a problem — just “unfriend” it.

Higher Power

HIGHER POWER (May 11, 2018)
“When the Universe decides what it wants, it’s pointless to resist. With his family’s life at stake, Joseph Steadman finds himself the unwilling test subject of a maniacal scientist in a battle that could save the world, or destroy it.”

I say do to the world what I’ve been doing to my liver for some time now — destroy it!

Meet The Blacks 2: The House Next Door

MEET THE BLACKS 2: THE HOUSE NEXT DOOR (2018/2019)
Carl Black is an over-stressed best-selling author who moves his family to his childhood home so he can find peace to write his new book. But when an extravagant pimp moves into the neighborhood, Black becomes convinced that the man is actually a vampire bent on stealing his family.”

I Googled™ “extravagant pimp.” They all look like Snoop Dogg. Not a bad role model as Snoop is entirely badass.

Mara

MARA (2018/2019)
“Criminal psychologist Kate Fuller is assigned to the murder of a man who has seemingly been strangled in his sleep by his wife and the only witness is their eight-year-old daughter, Sophie. As Kate digs into the mystery of an ancient demon which kills people in their sleep, she experiences the same petrifying symptoms as all previous victims and spirals through a chilling nightmare to save herself and Sophie before she dares fall asleep again.”

Sleeping men getting strangled by their wives is so commonplace, I’m surprised anyone pays attention. Note to men: do NOT leave the lid up if you value your neck hole.

Sharks Can Be So Cruel

Posted in Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Sharks with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 15, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Cruel Jaws

Just because you have the proper noun Jaws in your movie title doesn’t make it part of the Jaws (1975) family. Nor does reusing dialogue, plot and swiping footage from the Jaws series (as well as Great White/1981 and Deep Blood/1989) qualify as an actual movie. More like cut ‘n paste plagiarism. The only thing cool about Cruel Jaws (1995/aka, Jaws 5: Cruel Jaws and The Beast), which is guilty by a jury of its peers of the above crimes against humanity, is its title. Everything else is just regurgitated bait.

Cruel Jaws

A territorial 35-foot great white shark, thought to be the by-product of military fussing, is attacking and eating the flavorful folks in Hampton Bay, an affordable (at the time) small Florida coastal town. There’s an upcoming Regatta (a sporting event consisting of a series of boat or yacht races) party, and the marauding shark could chomp into their profits. The local sheriff and a teen shark expert (“Sharks swim, eat and make baby sharks…”, a line directly lifted from Jaws) go on the hunt for the “readily available on a moment’s notice” monster. The plan is to kill it. There’s the cruel part.

Cruel Jaws

To bring an emotional element into the mix, they feature a little girl in a wheel chair. “Daddy — give that shark a punch in the nose for me…” That is SO cute. Then there’s a rich kid on a yacht with his friends, armed with guns and gasoline. May the yacht rest in peace. Elsewhere, one of the main characters looks exactly like pro wrestling legend Hulk Hogan, so a fair guess would be he’d use a folding metal chair to take down the mouthy monster in a no-holds barred shark cage match. You could have a zebra fish as the referee. Heh.

Cruel Jaws

All that and the best scene comes when the shark, taking the bait (raw rump roast) dangling from a helicopter, ends up eating the civil aircraft and its occupants — as dessert. Sharks need roughage in their diet.

Cruel Jaws

Cruel J seems to mark his territory around a sunken military ship, presumably where he was born and set free upon the boat’s demise. So this is where the squeaky clean teens and Hulk Hogan go to plant dynamite. (Sure hope the ref isn’t watching.) The ship, though, is loaded with valuables that local criminals try to retrieve. CJ cares not for thieves.

Cruel Jaws

As painfully bad as Cruel Jaws is, you should probably watch it (on YouTube™ for free) and turn it into a drinking game. Do a shot every time you see a stolen scene/dialogue from Jaws; You’ll be passed out cold long before the part where a barking seal interrupts a crooked local amusement park owner’s hot-air balloon speech and knocks him into the dolphin tank. (They don’t show it, but the dolphins likely tore the guy in half and feasted on his land guts. I’m pretty sure of it.)

Glowing Aliens

Posted in Aliens, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 20, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Midnight Special

Alton Meyer is an eight-year old boy with eyes that shoot beams brighter than a flashlight with a hundred batteries. His hands glow, too. Wish I had glowing hands. No reason. Just seems like it’d be neat.

Midnight Special

Alton, his dad and a friend are being hunted by the Feds, cops, and a wacko religious cult in Texas who think Alton is the next Messiah du jour. They’re on a cross-state run to get Alton to a specific location in Florida where some unknown mind-bending stuff is about to hit the fan. And there’s a lot of fan-hitting that happens on the way there.

Midnight Special

Meanwhile the FBI raids The Ranch, where the cult holds sermons and stockpiles heavy artillery. Seems the pastoral babblings contained encoded satellite transmissions given to the head cult leader by Alton, who was raised at the compound after mom dumped him there when his “powers” became too strong for her to deal with. The penalty for having accessing such encrypted information, says Agent Paul Sevier, is so severe, the Government has yet to think up a suitable punishment. Yeow to that!

Midnight Special

A spectacular display of Alton’s powers comes at a gas station where his dad and friend stop for potato chip supplies. Wearing goggles (so people can’t see his high beam peepers), he brings down a satellite in a shower of flaming chunks on top of them. The Feds are upset as it was an important satellite, one with the sole purpose of detecting nuclear events anywhere in the world. That, and it was freakin’ expensive.

Midnight Special

Stopping to pick up mom, the fugitives are relentlessly tracked by the cult, who manage to violently kidnap Alton. The Feds kidnap Alton from the cult and it’s here the bright-eyed boy reveals his secrets to Agent Sevier. Alton tells him there’s a world above the one they’re currently on, and that he belongs with “his people.” Dutifully freaked out, Sevier manages to get the kid back to the dad, who in an nerve-wracking car chase sequence, gets Alton to the aforementioned coordinates, which happen to be in the Florida Everglades. (You don’t see ‘em, but there were probably hundreds of bugs in the swamp. Ick.)

Midnight Special

And it’s here Alton rejoins “his people” who materialize after a nuclear-esque event. (Too bad the don’t have a satellite to detect it.) Midnight Special (2016) is slow burn intense up to that point, but that scene is the money shot. Who knew the aliens could be this cool? Who knew this movie with its lackluster title would be this cool? You will once you watch it (glowing eyes not required.)

President Shark

Posted in Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 20, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No!

Usually I’m a big believer in something that’s worth doing is worth overdoing. (Start with refreshing cans/bottles of refreshing Budweiser™ and go from there.)

The reason I say that is I’m not a 100% hedonist. Thinkin’ maybe 98.3% tops. So if I apply that formula to the 2013 cult sci-fi hit Sharknado (upper end of the indulgent odometer) and 2014’s Sharknado 2: The Second One (about 64%), it stands to reason that the impending Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No!, slated for release in late July 2015, while clearly going to the well once too often, should come in at 41% on my gluttony-for-bad-movies scale. Why? What else can they do with the plot?

Here’s the filmmaker’s argument: “The battle between man and nature lands on the steps of the Nation’s capital where the latest storm is threatening to destroy everything from Washington D.C. to Florida. It’s up to returning heroes Tara Reid and Ian Ziering to squash this storm for good. Also appearing in the third film will be Mark Cuban as the President of the United States, Ann Coulter as the VP, Chris Jericho as a roller coaster operator, and Jerry Springer as a tourist.”

Ugh. You know you’re scraping bottom when you put Jerry Springer in your movie.

So will I watch Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No!? Maybe. Depends on how many refreshing cans/bottles of Budweiser™ I have under my belt.

Eat The Fish That Eats You

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 17, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Mega Piranha

There’s a river in Venezuela that’s home to genetically mutated piranha – and they’re growing at an exponential rate and heading down stream to Florida. I didn’t know Florida was anywhere near Venezuela. Maybe it is. What the hell do I know? The relentlessly hungry fishies, now the size of submarines, are eating Naval destroyers and, once in Florida, will eat Naval oranges – and humans.

Mega Piranha

To get us to believe there’s some serious drama going on, a special  military agent with double muscles and ’80s pop princess Tiffany (too cool to have a last name) are sent in to make sure our orange crop doesn’t end up like so many battleships. They don’t quite know how to stop them, but I do: tartar sauce and a squeeze of mega lemon.

Mega Piranha

The giant piranha special effects are so substandard as to look like painted Nerf™ balls being thrown in front of the camera. And Greg Brady himself (of the special ops Brady Bunch squadron) appears as the muscle agent’s boss.

Mega Piranha

Not sure how Mega Piranha (2010) ended as I turned my attention to drying paint after seeing a piranha eat a hotel. Hotels.com is gonna hear about this.