Archive for December, 2015

The Family Ghouls

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Scream Queens, Slashers, TV Vixens, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 31, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The House of Seven Corpses

Watching 1974’s The House of Seven Corpses (featuring eight graves) is comparable to a sitting down to a Thanksgiving dinner with family and relatives: lots of arguing, some bloodletting, and a big turkey at the center of it all.

The House of Seven Corpses

So this horror movie film director is making a movie about the infamous Beal Mansion and the family who were the sacrifice party victims of occult mis-doings. Points for setting the mood.

The House of Seven Corpses

But the sticky part comes when the director wants the reluctant cast to re-enact said rituals/incantations from best-selling Tibetan Book of the Dead (available on Amazon.com – no kidding), which ends up resurrecting one of the family ghouls who shows up to coach the actors on how to die with more realism. Talk about your killer cameos – heh. [Note: This might be where The Evil Dead (1981) got the idea to do the SAME THING.]

The House of Seven Corpses

The zombie has his work cut out – there are 14 main characters, all of whom barely get along. Not helping that the director is constantly yelling and brow-beating his actors into emoting. (He’s actually more of a dick than a filmmaker.) But it’s the ghoul that squeezes the performance out of the dwindling actors/actorettes/everyone else.

The House of Seven Corpses

Best part: a school/graveyard fight between the director and a cameraman at the end – lens dude gets flipped into a freshly dug grave and through the magic of cinema, rises up as an icky dirt zombie. He crawls out and pursues his choke-worthy adversary so slow as to let turtles whiz by.

The House of Seven Corpses

The House of Seven Corpses has a great title. Not much more than that, unfortunately, even though a ton of horror movies after ripped it off. Kinda like people who dress like you. (Sometimes I hate being a fashion icon.)

Coven Lovin’ From The Oven

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Scream Queens, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 30, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Witchouse II: Blood Coven

Nothing, not even a coven of witches, can stand in the way of progress – in this case, a shopping mall. Before the notorious Covington House can be leveled to make way for YET ANOTHER Starbucks™, they have to resurrect and identify those stinky bodies buried on the haunted grounds.

Witchouse II: Blood Coven

Enter several students from the local university to do DNA testing to determine just how evil the 200 year old bones are. One thing predictably leads to another and before you know it, that pesky Lilith, a busty witch with bad teeth and even badder intentions, has returned to wreak mediocre havoc on those who would disturb her beauty sleep.

Witchouse II: Blood Coven

About as scary as an episode of Goosebumps, Witchouse II: Blood Coven (1999), which rips off Night of the Demons (1988), goes one better than its predecessor – it sucks twice as much. No nudity, no swearing, barely any gore, and some of the lamest dialogue this side of a Drinkin’ & Drive-in box social. Still trying to figure out why I thought watching it was a good idea.

Witchouse II: Blood Coven

2015 Horror: Best of the Worst

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Scream Queens, Slashers, TV Vixens, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 25, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Worst Horror Movies of 2015

Movie commentary website ScreenRant.com recently posted their 12 Worst Horror Movies of 2015 list. They totally stole my idea, along with every other horror movie blog in existence. I feel mildly violated.

But rather than let it ruin my refreshing alcoholic beverage, here’s ScreentRant.com’s smack down along with my think tank thinkings on the subject(s). [Note: ScreenRant.com’s article, written by Scout Tafoya, is really quite good, accurate and well-researched – just the opposite of anything you’ll get outta me until I start getting paid to do this.]

From last to first…

Monsters: Dark Continent

12. MONSTERS: DARK CONTINENT
What it is: The sequel to Monsters (2010) wherein the title beasts have infected the Middle East where there’s already a war going on. Nice timing, stupid space creatures.
What SR said: “The monsters (admittedly still beautiful in design) are glimpsed from the sideline of the action and never meaningfully interact with the interchangeable leads.”
What I think doesn’t matter: Monsters: Dark Continent is two movies – military guys dealing with the horror of war, and military guys dealing with the horror of giant ick monsters. M:DC needed to pick a lane and drive in it as the two conflicts conflict with each other. Kinda like drinking a Budweiser™ and a Miller Genuine Draft™ at the same time. In theory it works, but it just doesn’t once the tops get popped. Still, the monsters are outrageously cool, especially that Mt. Everest sized one at the end.

Knock Knock

11. KNOCK KNOCK
What it is: Two hot “stranded” chicks show up at a married guy’s house, get naked and entice him to stain his marriage vows. Then they try to permanently divorce him before his wife gets home.
What SR said: “As repugnant as it is arrogant, Knock Knock is a lose lose.”
What I think doesn’t matter: Did not see this one. Read some reviews, though. Not sure it qualifies as a horror movie in the traditional sense. Maybe if everyone wore a hockey mask…

The Green Inferno

10. THE GREEN INFERNO
What it is: Severely annoying student activists travel from New York City to the Amazon to save the Rain Forest. When their plane crashes in said foreign foliage, cannibals show up to invite them to/as dinner.
What SR said: “Cheaply made, obnoxiously written and not even half as extreme as it thinks it is, Green Inferno is an insult to the cannibal films of the ’70s it pays tribute to.”
What I think doesn’t matter: What they said. Embarrassing and irritating, GI, while filled with insides being turned outside, it’s really hard to get past what ScreenRant accurately calls “colossally stupid stereotypes.” Ironically, my complaint is with the cannibals – it took them one hour and forty-one minutes to finish their meal.

Into The Grizzly Maze

9. INTO THE GRIZZLY MAZE
What it is: A freakishly intelligent (and bottomless hungry) grizzly bear turns actors into bit parts.
What SR said: “The bear of the title is a mess of bad CGI effects and behaves conspicuously more like Jason Voorhees rather than a wild animal.”
What I think doesn’t matter: Yep. Though I will point out that the bear doesn’t just attack humans – it stalks and then rips them apart like jungle taffy. That’s what bears in horror movies are supposed to do.

Back Country

8. BACKCOUNTRY
What it is: Vacationing campers are attacked and made into shredded meat by a bear of all things.
What SR said: “A couple of bland people for a weekend retreat to a wilderness trail that’s been closed for the season. That doesn’t stop them or a killer black bear from roaming around anyway. The kids get lost and it takes the bear entirely too long to show up and start chewing on hamstrings.”
What I think doesn’t matter: Mostly just fast-forwarding to the hamstring chewing action. Everything else was a waste of valuable drinking time.

Shark Lake

7. SHARK LAKE
What it is: A black-market exotic species dealer unleashes a shark in Lake Tahoe where it chews out the swimmers.
What SR said: “No professional actors, terrible special effects, a sixteenth of the budget and lots of hilariously awful dialogue. Shark Lake will make you laugh an awful lot.”
What I think doesn’t matter: Every since Sharknado (2013), the ocean’s most feared apex predator has been rendered to a bad comedy punchline. And Shark Lake shamelessly gets in the feeding frenzy and continues the mockery. Note to Shark Lake filmmakers: Why don’t you dangle an errant limb in the ocean? Then we’ll see who’s laughing.

Poltergeist

6. POLTERGEIST
What it is: An inferior remake of 1982’s superior Poltergeist
What SR said: “No one needed another Poltergeist; The monsters have a sort of evocative menace to them in their ten seconds of screen time, but when they’re represented by 3D screw bits and vomit fantasies, they’re a touch less formidable.”
What I think doesn’t matter: Just the thought of redoing Poltergeist is far more horrifying than the movie turned out to be. Hollywood must need the cash. P.S. “Vomit fantasies” – heh.

Burying The Ex

5. BURYING THE EX
What it is: A guy’s dead nagging girlfriend comes back from the grave and wants to continue their relationship. A guy’s worst day and nightmare.
What SR said: “Crazy sexist and smug, Burying The Ex is unquestionably [director] Joe Dante’s worst film.”
What I think doesn’t matter: ScreenRant may have missed the point – Burying The Ex is a comedy and supposed to be crazy sexist and smug. And hey, funny naked and horny fat guy to help keep things swingin’.

The Lazarus Effect

4. THE LAZARUS EFFECT
What it is: Medical researchers discover a way to bring animals/people back from the dead. For commercial applications, of course.
What SR said: “There isn’t a scare in the whole film and it loses steam right around the time it starts offing cast members, the film’s equivalent of shrugging its shoulders when it runs out of ideas.”
What I think doesn’t matter: Horror snobs not unlike myself recognize Lazarus as pilfering Flatliners (1990) and Pet Sematary (1989). In other words, nothing new here. That said, when was anyone ever brought back from being dead and not all f’d up in the brain hole?

Maggie

3. MAGGIE
What it is: A Midwest small town girl is infected with a virus that’s slowly turning her (and select others) into a zombie. Living in a Midwest small town does the same thing.
What SR said: “The filmmakers never quite figured out when this experience starts benefiting anyone crazy enough to watch a low-budget Arnold Schwarzenegger film. Take away his explosions and he’s lost without a map.”
What I think doesn’t matter: Casting Arnold Schwarzenegger with his famous Austrian accent as a Midwest farmer was a big pitchfork in the rump. Arnie doesn’t say much in this one, but when he does he stands out like a sore cow. His job, though, is to keep the authorities from moving his slowly rotting zombie teen daughter to a containment camp where they never come back because they just can’t. Maggie moves really s-l-o-w and there’s no brain eating. But I did like the last two minutes where she finally goes through zombie puberty and…

Harbinger Down  2. HARBINGER DOWN
What it is: Mutated monsters get defrosted from Russian space junk at the bottom of the Bering Sea – and their first food order is grad students on a fishing trawler. Zazdarovje!
What SR said:Harbinger Down could have used a few rewrites, a better cast, and a sense of purpose beyond its creepy crawly.”
What I think doesn’t matter: I’m a total sucker for giant monster movies. And it’s always a gratifying experience to see nauseating grad students being eaten by said giant monsters. You know what I say? Go giant monsters!

The Pack

1. THE PACK
What it is: Man’s best friend turns Man’s best leg into a chew toy.
What SR said: “These dogs are just too cuddly and never look like they want anything more than belly rubs and behind-the-ear scratches.”
What I think doesn’t matter: Didn’t see The Pack. But I did see it in 1983 when it was called Cujo.

Filipino Ghost Story

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts with tags , , , , , , , , , , on December 24, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Wag Kang Lilingon

Wag Kang Lilingon (2006). I can’t pronounce this Filipino horror movie’s title. It’s not my fault. They’re using words I from a different country than the one I live in. It’s just not fair, man. Translated it turns into Don’t Look Back. (I was waaay the hell off when I tried translating it. I thought “lilingon” meant a flavor of foreign ice cream and…um…never mind.)

Wag Kang Lilingon

This movie is split into two parts with a rather clever connecting link. In the first part, Butcher Hospital (not its real name, but what everyone calls it) is losing patients left and right. Melissa, a supermodel nurse, thinks that mean Dr. Carl is behind the expiration dates on the patients. Her fiancé is a news reporter, so she helps him fake a disease so he can investigate under the guise of a sicko.

Wag Kang Lilingon

Dr. Carl was on the hot seat until he turned into dead himself. Then ghosts show up to mess with Melissa’s mind, which was recently boogered up due to her finding out James, her reporter hubby-to-be, had a girlfriend before they hooked up. I’m thinkin’ so what? But it factors in, so roll with it, ’k? The ghostly hallucinations reach a boiling point and Melissa loses it and does something to James. Let’s just say it didn’t involve the romantic groping of one another’s fun zones.

Wag Kang Lilingon

This leads to part two, where a mom and her daughters move into a spooky haunted house. But they’re too into their new pad to give a crap. Finding an antique mirror, they light a candle in front of it, the superstition being that if you do it during a full moon and make a wish, it’ll come true. (I tried that once, and ended up burning my shirt. That was a cool shirt, too.)

Wag Kang Lilingon

This little “ritual” released the ghosts that live in the mirror instead of fog or a basement. Former tenants, these specters don’t want people living in their haunted house. The girls dump the mirror in the river instead of the dump. (Mirrors are 100% biodegradable, so it’s okay.)

Wag Kang Lilingon

But that’s not the only mirror. The other one shows a premonition of the family’s demise. That sucks. But mirrors are rarely wrong, and everybody takes a hammer or other blunt forces to the head and stabbings, causing bleeding and more bleeding. The only survivor goes on to study nursing and years later ends up working at…BUTCHER HOSPITAL. Sweet.

The Ecstasy of Vampires

Posted in Foreign Horror, Scream Queens, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on December 23, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Vampire Ecstasy

Vampire Ecstasy (aka, Der Fluch der schwarzen Schwestern / 1973), is an erotic B-horror adult classic (starring Swedish porn legend Marie Forså), and goes by several other titles: Veil of Blood and the more well known, The Devil’s Plaything. No matter what you call it, this movie is NAUGHTY. And no, that’s not a bad thing.

Vampire Ecstasy

One clean jerk away from being X-rated, a cult of horny, naked chicks, uh, I mean, comitted cultists, rub each other silly and have sex amongst themselves, assisted by a variety of wiener-shaped ritual candles. (All the best ritual candles are weiner-shaped.)

The Devil’s Plaything

This acceptable behavior, of course, ushers in the soul of a vampire Baroness who thirsts for two things. (Think I might know what the other is.)

Vampire Ecstasy

Plenty of chanting, bongo accompaniment and humpty-humping. Hardly any blood, but the rampant diddling and booby action more than made up for it.

Pottery Horror

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 22, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Limehouse Golem

Based on the 1994 book Dan Leno & the Limehouse Golem by Peter Ackroyd, The Limehouse Golem horror movie (release date pending 2016) is a spin on the Jack The Ripper hot mess. Yeah, the theme is played, but the movie features none other than Professor Severus Snape, aka “Alan Rickman.”

While Professor Snape was able to handle a variety of Harry Potter’s magical indiscretions, how will the former Death Eater come to terms with the Golem who the press claims is responsible for a “series of gruesome murders shaking the community in the dangerous Limehouse district of London in 1880”? Wand to the ready – Expecto Patronum, b*tch!

As the press release goes, with no genuine leads, the police put the “vastly experienced Detective Inspector Kildare on the case.” Man, I hope Kildare smacks that mean Golem guy double hard.

The Golem

Golem, by the way, is an icon of ancient Jewish folklore, appearing in the 1915 German silent film, Der Golem. (Oddly, the DVD cover says the movie is from 1920. I’m at a loss here.)

The Golem

As the moving picture goes, a 16th Century Prague rabbi brings a clay statue to life to save the Jews from ongoing brutal persecution by the city’s rulers. A kind of Yiddish Pumpkinhead, the molded savior is later found 400 years later in the rubble of an old synagogue (a church you aren’t allowed in) and resurrected once again, this time to be a servant (an early model beer b*tch).

The Golem

When I get around to resurrecting Der Golem, first thing I’d do is change his first name from “der” to “the”, then give him a new coat of paint and take him out for a spin on the pottery wheel. I bet he’d like that. Then I’d command him to smack my enemies – double hard.

That ’60s Torture Porn

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Scream Queens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on December 21, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Torture Chamber of Dr. Sadism

The Torture Chamber of Dr. Sadism (1967) has been released so many times it has six different titles, one of them in German. (Still waiting for the Siberian version.) Basically the Pit & The Pendulum (1961) recast as a 14th Century tale of Frederic Regula, a Count with a dandy name, whose cruel hobby is torturing anyone who dares hangs out at his dirty castle.

The Torture Chamber of Dr. Sadism

You have your pit of black snakes, free-range lizards, spiders and scorpions, a bed of spikes, a few rats, and, of course, the dreaded infomercial-grade pendulum designed to split you in two for the price of one.

The Torture Chamber of Dr. Sadism

The town is fed up with Regula’s rec room and sentences him to be drawn and quartered. Translated: each arm and leg tied to horses going in opposite directions. The timing couldn’t be worse – Regula was on the verge of immortality and just needed the blood of one more virgin (the 13th) to complete the serum.

The Torture Chamer of Dr. Sadism

Fortunately, his man-servant sipped enough of the serum prior to being hanged. He came back from the dead, and for years scheduled his master’s resurrection, a plan that lured his captor’s ancestors back to the castle for a little torture, a little rat biting and a little blood extraction. And it’s a cool bonus each ancestor looks exactly like the ones who executed Regula. Of all the darned things.

The Torture Chamber of Dr. Sadism

Trying to maneuver the caves where Regula has his traps set up is a test in keeping your hair combed. But nothing will stop the professionally handsome Roger Montelise from rescuing his new girlfriend, Baroness Lilian von Marienberg. Fortunately for Regula, she’s a virgin. (Too bad she didn’t hook up with Roger a bit earlier in the movie.)

The Torture Chamber of Dr. Sadism

Regula needs Lilian’s blood to be filled with fear in order for the chemical reaction in the immortality juice to do its magic. They try scaring the crap outta her, but she’s more resilient than first assessed. Soon enough, Regula gets his way and is moments from paying taxes for eternity. Roger has a different ending in mind, having escaped the pendulum and holding the one key to success. Who wins? Let me ask you this – have you been tortured by Count Regula lately? All that’s left is for Roger to put an end to all that virginity nonsense. Good for him.