Archive for March, 2015

A Yucky Monster

Posted in Classic Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 31, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Beast of Yucca Flats

Joseph Javorsky, a Soviet scientist, defects to the U.S. Welcome to the land of 24-hour liquor stores, Joe. While being chased to death by his former KGB neighbors through the Yucca Flat desert, he stumbles onto a nuclear testing range. Nice timing – an atomic bomb was being exploded for commercial applications.

The Beast of Yucca Flats

Patches of Joe’s skin gets flambéed, but his white shirt miraculously withstands the devastating effects of nuclear radiation. For no other reason than to give him something to do, Javorsky wanders around like a pension drunk and becomes a maddened “beast” who strangles everyone he meets.

The Beast of Yucca Flats

Then some guy with military experience goes up in a small plane and shoots at anything that moves, which happens to be a father out looking for his lost sons. Dad himself gets shot several times, but doesn’t bleed or die. Javorsky, though, dies at the end, with a little desert bunny hopping around his corpse. Bunnies are so darn cute, especially fuzzy ones. (Bald bunnies, not so much.) Wonderin’ why the bunny wasn’t mutated after hip-hopping around the testing range. Maybe this species has lead fur.

The Beast of Yucca Flats

The Beast of Yucca Flats (1961) was filmed without sound and all the zinging gunshots, sound effects and dialogue were added later. I’m all for saving a buck, but this is below low. Worst movie ever? If not, it’s definitely next in line.

Embarrassing Horror

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Scream Queens, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , on March 29, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Shut In Agoraphobia is defined as a type of anxiety disorder in which you fear and often avoid places or situations that might cause you to panic and make you feel trapped, helpless or embarrassed. For me, that wold be every place except a cocktail lounge. You could say I have reverse agoraphobia.

Agoraphobia is the hook for Shut In (2015), a new horror indie currently (as of today) in post-production. I don’t know what they do in post-production. They should use that time to come up with a better movie title.

So here what be happenin’ – “Anna suffers from agoraphobia so crippling that when a trio of criminals break into her house, she cannot bring herself to flee. But what the intruders don’t realize is that agoraphobia is not her only psychosis.”

Sounds like Home Alone (1990) with die/kill/bleed.

Stoned Demon God

Posted in Asian Horror, Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 27, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Daimajin

The Japanese term Daimajin translates to good ’ol English as Great Demon God. (I wonder what my term translates to in Japanese? Probably Great Beer God. I like that. Thank you, Japan.)

Daimajin is also the title of the 1966 horror fantasy movie about a gigantic stone statue that comes to life and squashes people. There is nothing about that sentence I don’t like.

It’s bad enough the downtrodden villagers in ancient Japan are enduring a series of tremors (or “mini quakes”); on the flip side you have their leader Lord Hanabasa in constant arguments with the super mean and cruel Samanosuke. The quakes are attributed to the spirit of the Daimajin trapped in a nearby mountain and is trying to bust a move. The meanness of Samanosuke is attributed to him just being a dick.

Daimajin

Samanosuke uses the villagers superstitions against them and to overthrow (i.e., kill) Lord Hanabasa, thus ruling with an iron fist (i.e., sword). His reign is highlighted with torture, stabbings, eye gougings, and assorted punchings, leading to a slave labor workforce.

Shinobu, the village’s local priestess, has had enough of this crap and, after a long story involving other story-padding characters, warns about the Daimajin coming to smash evil.

Samanosuke chortles at the stone Samurai and sends his posse to go beat the revered stone statue into bite-sized chunks. When the army starts pounding a huge railroad spike into Daimajin’s forehead, the statue comes alive and breaks free of his dirt cage. It’s clobberin’ time.

Daimajin

Stomping its way towards the village, Daimajin’s face changes into that of a pissed of Shogun with a facial expression that looks like the railroad spike was pounded into Daimajin’s glory hole. It’s as if the demon god was sold at a Pottery Barn™ managed by Slayer.

Doing what only a 25 meter tall ticked off stone creature can do, Daimajin, who only makes its appearance an hour (!) into the movie, stomps, crushes, squishes and squashes Samanosuke’s bully squad into egg rolls.

Daimajin

But wait, Daimajin is unable to distinguish evil from reverse evil, and begins swinging his wrecking balls all over the village, wiping out years of shabby architecture. It’s only when a chick cries at Daimajin’s dirty feet that it’s spirit is released and goes zooming off as a UFO-esque orb, leaving it’s husk to crumble all over the place. Guess who has to clean up that mess?

There were two more sequels: Return of Daimajin (1966) and Daimajin Strikes Again (1966). Yes, all three were released in the same year. I think they just reused the original Daimajin monster. Way to milk that sacrificial cow.

Submerisble Horror

Posted in Classic Horror, Ghosts, Science Fiction, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 26, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Below

Below (2002) is a haunted submarine story loaded with underwater speak. For instance, “Tall grass outside” means big waves on the surface. “Brillo pad” means there’s a woman on board. (Heh.) And “Make a hole” is more or less self-explanatory, especially if the vessel is the U.S.S. Pillow Biter.

Below

That said, all this authentic dialogue makes the horror of a WWII submarine being hunted by Germans above with depth charges and grappling hooks, and sailors dying in freakish accidents while being hunted by a ghost below makes all that more gratifying.

Below

It’s when the sub incurs substantial damage that the crew begin to suspect their submersible war tube is haunted. Eerie voices are heard coming out of portholes. And when you look in the mirror your reflection doesn’t quite reflect your motion. That is so messed up, especially if you’re trying to shave.

Below

The freak accidents have the crew on edge as the new captain slowly starts to sink into madness. A supermodel nurse slowly pieces together the skin-crawling truth, adding more creepiness to this above average spooker. In all a very floatable horror flick, but couldn’t they have at least wrote in a cameo for Aquaman? He could’ve supplied his own bubbles.

Historical Monster Hunters

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Nature Gone Wild, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 25, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Helen Keller vs. The Nightwolves

From Ross Patterson, the guy who brought us FDR: American Badass (2012) now comes Helen Keller vs. Nightwolves (release pending 2015).

FDR: American Badass

In American Badass, Franklin Delano Roosevelt, our 32nd president, ends the Great Depression (good, that thing was depressing), puts a stop to Prohibition (to this day I am thankful) and fights Nazis even though he’s confined to a wheelchair after contracting polio from a werewolf bite. I am all up for re-electing him.

Helen Keller vs. The Nightwolves

In Helen Keller vs. Nightwolves, a group Nightwolves terrorize a tiny village taking people’s hearing and eyesight. Hmm – this sounds like one of those insensitive Helen Keller jokes. (Someone wrote on the movie’s Facebook page about the ad materials: “Will this poster be available with braille?”) Ironically, the movie poster does use braille under the title. Clever, yet kinda tasteless. So yeah, I’m down with it.

Still, I’m intrigued by the idea that a deaf and blind girl, armed only with knives, is able to take on a pack of werewolves and quench her thirst for bloody revenge. (The movie implies that it was the Nightwolves are what originally took away her sight and hearing. Again, not cool to make sport of Helen’s famous handicap. But the douchebag I am finds taste in the tasteless.

Helen Keller vs. The Nightwolves

On that note, I’m making an assumptive leap here; the enemy may not be actual werewolves, but rather non-werewolves. The trailer, which doesn’t reveal much, shows actual wolves roughhousing it up. But why would nature’s gangstas go after your eyes and ears, all the while leaving delicious entrails behind? Real werewolves wouldn’t do that.

I hear Helen Keller sure plays a mean pinball. (I’ll wave to you on my way to Hell.)

Loving The Monster

Posted in Classic Horror, Fantasy, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 24, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Spring

While romance has always been a motivating force in horror movies (start with Dracula/1931 and go from there), my personal feeling is that all that dreamy-eyed smoochy crap doesn’t belong anywhere near blood, guts and gore. And what is a horror movie without blood, guts and gore? A ROMANCE movie. Over generalizing here. But I’d rather see more Beast than Beauty, thus representing the way things work in the real world.

Spring

The reason I even bring it up is there’s this new (as of March 2015) horror-ish movie many with too much time on their hands are gushing about. The film is the daintily titled Spring, a love story about a guy falling in love with a chick who harbors a “monstrous, primordial secret that puts both their relationship and their lives in jeopardy.” OK, that part is cool. But hey, what woman doesn’t harbor a monstrous, primordial secret? Talk about your obvious oxymoron.

Spring

Spring has the endorsement of Drafthouse Films™, so it probably doesn’t suck as those guys are pretty dang good at what they represent. So here’s what the flip everybody’s tweeting over…

Spring is a lush piece of work about Evan, a young American fleeing to Europe to escape his past. While backpacking along the Italian coast, everything changes during a stop at an idyllic Italian village, where he meets and instantly connects with the enchanting and mysterious Louise. A flirtatious romance begins to bloom between the two. However, Evan soon realizes that Louise has been harboring a… (see first paragraph).”

The press release goes on to say that Louise’s other forms are “something else altogether, and their origins are beautiful. Much of the film finds beauty in the monstrous and otherworldly.”

Pan's Labyrinth

So if otherworldly love floats yer boat, seek out this movie. If you need a primer, I recommend the jaw-dropping horror fantasy Pan’s Labyrinth (2006), while full of otherworldly monsters that hug you (one, anyway) and panoramic beauty, isn’t waterlogged with smooching, the talking of smooching or the exchanging of bodily fluids that are anything but red. Red’s a romantic color.

I can’t believe I just said that.

Loving The Dead

Posted in Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , on March 22, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Deadgirl

Messed. Up.

How else to describe the story of two bored teenage boys who break into an abandoned mental institution, find a basement door rusted shut, pry it open with a crowbar (all mental institutions have plenty on hand), and come across (ahem) a nude, feral-looking woman strapped to a table, and decide to keep her as a love slave?

Deadgirl

They discover she can’t be killed after one of the boys, while having his, uh, romantic way with her, “accidentally” strangles her, breaking her neck and causing plum-colored bruises. The other teen, overcome with an icky feeling about how this is all wrong, decides, hey, not cool.

Deadgirl

The horny dude lets another friend in on the secret, and the next thing you know, the woman has a bunch of new boyfriends. Pretty distasteful stuff, until the school football jock bullies find out about it and are goaded into “gang dating” the woman. You have to avoid being bitten by her as it will make you dead but still alive. Your innards will rot completely out of your butt, though.

Deadgirl

The emo teen, thinking a living girl might make for a better relationship, makes emo eyes over the high school hottie, but she’s having none of it. This coincides with the other guys deciding they need a new dead girlfriend because this one is worn out. If you can add one plus the other one, now would be the time to do it.

Deadgirl

Despite Deadgirl’s (2008) repugnant subtext, those guilty are paid back in spades. And hey, there’s even some dang funny moments not involving the undead girl that will help take your mind off the subject matter. You’ll need it.