In the lazily-titled Slayer (2006) vampires are wrecking the Rain Forest. They’re wrecking blood-enriched necks, too. What the heck — vampires are wrecking everything.
Which is why Casper Van Dien, in all his discount thespian glory, must lead his military group into the jungle to shoot them in the face, one of whom is his military BFF whose been suckified. But since Casper knows as much about vampires as he does acting, his efforts are unsuccessful.
Was there something else you needed to know?
For those of us who still know how printed books work (no swiping left or right required), you might wanna swipe, uh, I mean, purchase the just released The Frightfest Guide to Monster Movies (Dark Heart of Cinema), written by longtime horror movie critic and Fangoria writer/editor, Michael Gingold. The price? A mere $24.93 with free shipping from Amazon Prime™. (If you live in England Town and order from Fabpress.com, it’ll set you back 20£ or “quid”. (Translation: $26.38 U.S.)
From the book’s press release: “Celebrated writer, editor, and critic Michael Gingold traces the history of the genre from the silent movies all the way through to the present day. From Universal Studios legends such as Frankenstein’s Monster and the Wolf Man, to the big bugs, atomic mutants and space invaders that terrorized the ’50s, to the kaiju of Japan and the ecological nightmares of the ’70s and ’80s, to the CG creatures and updated favorites of recent years — they’re all here.”
Guess I’ll have to raid the quid swear jar and get a copy. There might not be enough shillings in there, so time to start cussing like an Irish longshoreman at last call. While I practice yelling “shite” at the top of my lungs, here are a few recently released and upcoming horror I swear you may or may not watch…
THE INVOKING 3: PARANORMAL DIMENSIONS (available now)
“Hundreds of disturbing paranormal events occur every year. Most of these terrifying encounters go unreported – until now. Enter the disturbing world of The Invoking 3: Paranormal Dimensions, where the undead come to wreak havoc upon the living. Grim Reapers, evil poltergeists, satanic forces and conjured spirits will feed off your fear and drag you into the abyss of waking nightmares.”
How this movie isn’t about alcohol abuse is beyond me. I see this stuff ALL THE TIME whilst excessively imbibing.
10/31 (October 31, 2017)
“A new horror anthology in the vein of V/H/S (2012) and Creepshow (1982) brings an ensemble cast together to spin twisted tales of the macabre. The poster is by Travis Smith who’s designed artwork for Metallica, Slayer, Avenged Sevenfold, Opeth and others.”
Cool poster. Hope the movie is as good. I like anthologies as my attention span is dwindling by the…
LIVE EVIL (October 31, 2017/Amazon/VOD)
“When a small college town police station is besieged by ‘Evil’ on a sleepy Halloween night, Pete, the sheriff, and Hancock, his loyal deputy, are thrown into the middle of holy chess game that could destroy the town, and possibly the world.”
Shouldn’t that be UNholy chess game? Why would Evil play a holy game? That’s like playing golf with bowling balls.
I REMEMBER YOU (November 10, 2017/DVD/VOD)
“After a woman hangs herself in a church, a new psychiatrist discovers she was obsessed with the disappearance of his eight-year-old son, who vanished three years earlier. Meanwhile, three city dwellers are restoring a house when they realize it is haunted, and a mysterious child named Bernodus, who disappeared 60 years earlier, is discovered as the link between the two groups.”
[Disclaimer: Already brought this to your attention a few months ago. This is the updated U.S. key art and a whole new pithy commentary.] Who names their kid “Bernodus”? Is he Greek? Are the names Jacob Marley or Casper not spooky enough? And why would a woman hang herself in a church? What, tying a rope around your neck and stepping off a wobbly stool not sufficiently religiously offensive?
Blood Punch. Sounds like something you’d drink at a Slayer fondue party. In actuality, it’s a horror movie with some gnarly violent violence. This one dates back to Fall of 2013, but I can’t remember that year, let alone how this blood punch stain got on my shirt. (Must’ve been a crazy good fondue party.)
Blood Punch finally comes out on DVD/VOD September 1st, 2015. Exclusive DVD material includes deleted scenes, outtakes and test footage. Extras seem like padding or “meatloaf filler” to me.
Anyway, here’s the get down: “Blood Punch is a bloody thriller, centered on a murderous love triangle that takes a shocking and grisly supernatural turn. Milton, a brilliant chemistry student breaks out of court-mandated drug rehab with a mysterious bad girl, Skyler.”
“Looking to recruit a cook for a one-day drug score, she lures him to an isolated cabin with her psychotic and trigger-happy boyfriend Russell. Russell reveals he plans to murder Milton as soon as he is finished cooking the drugs, and their simple love triangle quickly descends into a mind-blowing supernatural cycle of carnage and mayhem with no end…and no escape.”
Drugs are stupid. Beer, or “smart water,” is the only path need taken.
For all intents, Blood Punch is a hit. (Heh.) It won the Dark Matters Award at the Austin Film Festival, it scored Best Director and Best Feature at the Hoboken Film Festival, and has walked with no less than seven additional Audience and Best Feature awards.
P.S. Don’t do drugs.
The Japanese term Daimajin translates to good ’ol English as Great Demon God. (I wonder what my term translates to in Japanese? Probably Great Beer God. I like that. Thank you, Japan.)
Daimajin is also the title of the 1966 horror fantasy movie about a gigantic stone statue that comes to life and squashes people. There is nothing about that sentence I don’t like.
It’s bad enough the downtrodden villagers in ancient Japan are enduring a series of tremors (or “mini quakes”); on the flip side you have their leader Lord Hanabasa in constant arguments with the super mean and cruel Samanosuke. The quakes are attributed to the spirit of the Daimajin trapped in a nearby mountain and is trying to bust a move. The meanness of Samanosuke is attributed to him just being a dick.
Samanosuke uses the villagers superstitions against them and to overthrow (i.e., kill) Lord Hanabasa, thus ruling with an iron fist (i.e., sword). His reign is highlighted with torture, stabbings, eye gougings, and assorted punchings, leading to a slave labor workforce.
Shinobu, the village’s local priestess, has had enough of this crap and, after a long story involving other story-padding characters, warns about the Daimajin coming to smash evil.
Samanosuke chortles at the stone Samurai and sends his posse to go beat the revered stone statue into bite-sized chunks. When the army starts pounding a huge railroad spike into Daimajin’s forehead, the statue comes alive and breaks free of his dirt cage. It’s clobberin’ time.
Stomping its way towards the village, Daimajin’s face changes into that of a pissed of Shogun with a facial expression that looks like the railroad spike was pounded into Daimajin’s glory hole. It’s as if the demon god was sold at a Pottery Barn™ managed by Slayer.
Doing what only a 25 meter tall ticked off stone creature can do, Daimajin, who only makes its appearance an hour (!) into the movie, stomps, crushes, squishes and squashes Samanosuke’s bully squad into egg rolls.
But wait, Daimajin is unable to distinguish evil from reverse evil, and begins swinging his wrecking balls all over the village, wiping out years of shabby architecture. It’s only when a chick cries at Daimajin’s dirty feet that it’s spirit is released and goes zooming off as a UFO-esque orb, leaving it’s husk to crumble all over the place. Guess who has to clean up that mess?
There were two more sequels: Return of Daimajin (1966) and Daimajin Strikes Again (1966). Yes, all three were released in the same year. I think they just reused the original Daimajin monster. Way to milk that sacrificial cow.
A teen California Valley Girl discovers she’s a descendant of a long line of vampire killers. While she’d rather go shopping than chopping, an old man/mentor arrives to coach her in the ways of being a Slayer. (Someone who kills the creatures of the night, not a band member of a popular thrash metal group by the same name.)
Just in time – Lothos, the head vampire king with the worst vampire name of all time, just crawled out of the ground and is looking to kill something. And that’s pretty much the entire plot of the comedy horror lite (albeit kinda funny) Buffy The Vampire Slayer (1992).
The showdown at the high school prom is quite the knee-slapper, with Buffy using, um, more modern weapons to defeat (face stab) Lothos. (Note to the makers of fine tampons: you need a version that can be easily converted into a cross. You know, for those not-so-fresh vampire killing days.)
Pee Wee Herman himself shows up as a vampire. He’s funnier than all of ’em combined. But you already knew that.
Drinkin' & Drive-in 