Archive for the paranormal Category

Desk-Sized Horror, Alien Hot Dogs, Upsetting Sandworms

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, demons, Evil, Fantasy, Ghosts, Giant Monsters, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, paranormal, Science Fiction, UFOs, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , on December 3, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Neil Frasier is a British multi-award winning poster, key and book cover artist. I, to date, am not. Nowhere near jealous, but rather bitch-ass envious over his meticulously-detailed art, showing up on such literary film works as Werewolves Within and Manfish, to Fangs vs. Spurs and Penny & The Poppies. (Hey, don’t knock the movie — it rocks. Or, at least it would if you were a pre-teen girl. Hater.)

As featured on his website NFG (Neil Frasier Graphics), are the just-released desktop series, depicting desk-sized posters of Aliens, Ghostbusters, Jaws and Home Alone, which I doubt I’ll buy because the movie had just too many distracting plot holes to be completely enjoyable.

The cost for these premium-printed posters (pre-tax/shipping) is 20£ British poundage or $24.348 U.S. dollarinis (more for the larger sizes). Each of these suitable-to-look-at posters come in four paper specs, two US: 17” x 11” and 24” x 16” and two British: A2 (“23.38 x 16.53”) and A3 (16.53” x 11.69”). Weirdo copy machines in England are f’d in the paper tray.

While you try and figure out what tax and shipping is to the States (I gave up), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not rock as much as Penny & The Poppies

THE GHOST LIGHTS / Out now (Tubi)

“A journalist returns home after the death of her father and discovers a cassette tape describing mysterious lights appearing in the skies of West Texas. She sets out on a cross-state road trip to discover the truth.”

What’s a “cassette tape”? As with the ghost lights, that must be something of extraterrestrial origin, like the Internet or foot-long hot dogs.

WITCHES OF THE SANDS / January 1, 2023 (VOD)

“The World’s First Post-Modern, Blood-Drenched, Monster-Flying, Ghost-Hunting, Folk Horror, Southern-Gothic B-Movie.”

They had me at “The.”

THE DREADED BALLERINAS/ January 23, 2023 (VOD)

“An odd traveler named Nice Eyes walks the streets and deserts of Utah as his mind, body and soul deteriorate into a far more primitive state.”

Utah? Yep, he turned into a Mormon.

DUNE: PART TWO / November 3, 2023 (Theaters)

“Follow the mythic journey of Paul Atreides as he unites with Chani and the Fremen while on a warpath of revenge against the conspirators who destroyed his family. Facing a choice between the love of his life and the fate of the known Universe, Paul endeavors to prevent a terrible future only he can foresee.”

Loved Dune: Part One (2021), but those mega-giant sandworms that swim in sand of all things, really gooned me out. Was unable to eat foot-long hot dogs for at least a week after watching the movie for the first of seven times. Traumatized, I was.

Yule Goat, Ghost Motor Lodge, Spectral Sex

Posted in Classic Horror, demons, Evil, Fantasy, Ghosts, paranormal with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 2, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

If you wanna send out Christmas or “holiday” cards that really stand out among the sea of seasonal throat gagging Hallmark™ sappy crap, then you need a set or two of these fantastical Creepy Christmas greeting cards (5”x7” with red envelopes) from the fantastically talented Mister Sam Shearon. Why have Santa, Christmas trees, elves and those “why won’t they just go away?” Nutcracker dude depictions when you can have Rabid Rudolph, King Krampus, The Snow Queen, and the Yule Goat?

As featured on Mister Shearon’s website, you can get three different sets of 13 for $25 each, or all three sets combined for $65. I recommend this all-in-one collection because why the stinkin’ heck not? Who wouldn’t want to go to their mailbox and pull out a card that Hell (i.e., you) sent them, with horrifyingly cool depictions of Santa Claws, Gryla, Nuuttipukki (the great black goat-man), Mari Lwyd (the haunting horse of Welsh folklore), and Creepy Snowmen? These dreadfully awesome illustrations scream, “Up your chimney, traditional Christmas-y stuff!”

You may recognize Mister Shearon’s work in the rock and metal scene. He’s done art for Slayer, Rob Zombie, Ministry, Rammstein, Filter, HIM and Iron Maiden. He’s also designed cover artwork for The X-Files comic-book series, Judge Dredd, Starhenge and Clive Barker’s Hellraiser. So cool as to be beyond cool. 

While you click this pathway to a better holiday season, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not make your seasonal throat gag… 

THE ETERNAL DAUGHTER / December 2, 2022 (Theaters)

“Now a middle-aged adult, Julie hopes to reconnect with her elderly, estranged mother by traveling to a sentimental destination. Their vacation lands them at a hotel, one that contains a mysterious presence.”

Depending on the hotel, the mysterious presence could be anything from a gaudily-uniformed bellboy lurking outside your door for a tip, or a disturbing brownish stain on the vibrating Mattress Barn™ Sleep Innovations Hybrid Pro™.

DREAMS OF DARKNESS / December 8, 2022 (VOD)

“Devastated by the disappearance of his wife, Derek Fabry enters a nightmarish world of the occult, erotic evil, and supernatural seduction as he tries to unravel the mystery of her vanishing.”

The words “erotic evil” and “supernatural seduction” aren’t what most of us would associate with being nightmarish. More like a Happy Hour for the open-minded. Or a back seat date with any of the last call gals at the Tug Tavern.

CRAVING / January 1, 2023 (VOD)

“After a drug deal goes south, four heroin addicts barricade themselves in a bar as the cops close in. Withdrawal sets in, further complicating their hostage situation, while a secret one of them is hiding could destroy them all.”

Heroin addicts barricading themselves in a bar? Wouldn’t in make more sense to hole up in a pharmacy? People who do ILLEGAL drugs are DUMB.

INSIDIOUS: THE DARK REALM / July 7, 2023 (Theaters)

“Ten years after he first ventured into the Further, Josh Lambert heads east to drop his son Dalton off at an idyllic, ivy-covered university. However, Dalton’s college dream becomes a nightmare when the repressed demons of his past suddenly resurface.”

I’ve been to the Upside Down, but not the Further. Too far away. And Uber™ charges twice the regular rate to take you there. Best just to hitchhike to the Tug Tavern and call it a day. P.S. Conflictingly, this is also titled Insidious: Fear of the Dark. This has shattered my belief system in the Internet right in half.

Crime-Fighting Coup, Snowy Sorcerer, Blood Geyser

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Classic Horror, demons, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, paranormal, Science Fiction, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , on December 1, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

If you could own any car in the world, hands down it’d have to be the Batmobile, yes? Screw those poser Lamborghinis and Ferraris; Do they have ejection seats? A parachute braking system? Purple smoke coming out of the exhaust? I think not. But since the original Batmobile — which has all those essential features and more — sold for $4.6 million in 2013, you’re just gonna have to take your Aston Martin Vulcan or Bugatti Bolideto to The Elephant Car Wash™ and pay extra for the hot wax rinse.

Or will you? The Batmobile used in 1989’s Batman and 1992’s Batman Returns is now up for grabs for a crime-stopping $1.5 million car bucks through Classic Auto Mall™. (There’s an unrobbed 7-Eleven™ right next door.) According to the sales pitch, this isn’t just a replica — it’s the actual working prop car designed by illustrator Julian Caldow and built by John Evans’ SFX team at Pinewood Studios in England. Riddle me this — do you want to impress the citizens of your city and strike fear into the hearts of Honda Civic owners or not? You don’t need to have an annoying sidekick who just won’t shut up to answer that.

More selling points: “The car has a Daytona Prototype-like jet engine nose and tall batwings that sandwich its slide-away cockpit. The fighter jet-style cockpit (somehow) has room for three passengers as well as working gadgets, including a flamethrower.” And I ask, what car doesn’t need a flamethrower — beside that grouchy Mad Max neighbor of yours?  

So while we’re looking forward to “Robin” the cookie jar to buy this four-wheeled traffic-thwarter, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not need the flamethrower treatment after watching ’em…  

BED REST / December 7, 2022 (Tubi™)

After years of struggling to start a family, Julie Rivers is pregnant again and moving into a new home with her husband as they embrace a fresh start. Upon being ordered to mandatory bed rest, Julie begins to slowly unravel as she suffers through the monotony and anxiety of her new constraints. Soon, terrifying ghostly experiences in the home begin to close in on Julie, stirring up her past demons and causing others to question her mental stability. Trapped and forced to face her past and the supernatural, Julie fights to protect herself and her unborn baby.”

If you’re a chick spending years trying to get pregnant, of course bed rest is gonna be mandatory. So will cold compresses and walking on crutches for a week or so. For guys it’s usually eight bowls of Wheaties™, 12 hours of uninterrupted sleep, and it’s saddle up time again for the baloney pony.

THE WINTER WITCH / December 13, 2022 (DVD)

“At the behest of her boss, journalist Ingrid Hoffman returns to her ancestral home when several children are found slaughtered in nearby woodland. With the village suspecting the infamous Winter Witch is behind the killings, together with her daughter Eleanor and estranged grandmother Omi, Ingrid must uncover the truth and stop the curse of Frau Perchta once and for all.”

The Winter Witch is the hardest working wiccan in snow business.

KNOCK AT THE CABIN / February 3, 2023 (Theaters)

“While vacationing at a remote cabin, a young girl and her parents are taken hostage by four armed strangers who demand that the family make an unthinkable choice to avert the apocalypse. With limited access to the outside world, the family must decide what they believe before all is lost.”

What could an unthinkable choice to avert the apocalypse be in this worst case scenario? Let’s examine the obvious clue: a remote cabin. Clearly, the four armed strangers are demanding toilet paper, which is a treasured commodity when in an isolated area and the nearest Wal-Mart™ is as far away as the buzzards fly. Depending on how many wild blueberries and pine cone pot pies you eat, to be without toilet talismans can indeed be an apocalyptic event.

PROJECT WOLF HUNTING / May 15, 2023 (Screambox™)

“During transport from the Philippines to South Korea, a group of dangerous criminals unites to stage a coordinated escape attempt. As the jailbreak escalates into a bloody, all-out riot, the fugitives and their allies from the outside exact a brutal terror campaign against the special agents onboard the ship.”

The advance reviews are enough to make you fill your horror pants with joy AND happiness: “Unending geysers of blood that erupt from wounds, which seem to have tremendously high blood pressure…”, “You’re thrillingly never quite sure who will survive by the end of each escalating episode of bloody bedlam…”, “Frenzied firefights, gory martial arts, all erupting upon the screen with a rousing, volcanic velocity…” I’m a non-religious type of guy, but that sounds like Heaven to me.

Gruesome Gingerbread, Bowling Gremlins, Army of Monsters

Posted in Classic Horror, demons, Evil, Fantasy, Giant Monsters, Misc. Horror, paranormal, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Slashers, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , on November 30, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Hereditary (2018) was not only a deliciously shocking and f’d up acclaimed horror movie, it’s also edible. And by edible, I mean, you can eat it — now that its inspired a gingerbread house modeled after the movie’s famous final scene in a treehouse. You know the one — where (SPOILER — RUN AWAY!) Charlie is possessed and his mom’s headless corpse is in the treehouse with him, as is his sister’s (SPOILER ALERT — KEEP RUNNING!) head, which is also a nice addition to the tasteful treehouse decor. 

Here’s the yummy details: “A24 is selling the Hereditary Gingerbread Treehouse Kit, which includes a cast iron mold plate, along with a plastic treehouse base, recipe card, instruction booklet, and a tealight to illuminate your treehouse at night. Made from food-safe plastic, the base includes a forest-floor textured base plate, four ‘birch’ legs, a platform, and a ladder.” The price? A head-chopping $62.00.

The Hereditary Gingerbread Treehouse Kit ships December 16, 2022. That’s this year in case it slipped your…HEAD. So while you rush to order it (click this), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as tasty as killer gingerbread

SORORITY BABES IN THE SLIMEBALL BOWL-O-RAMA 2 / December 2, 2022 (Full Moon Features Streaming)

“The babes are back! And so is everyone’s favorite wish-grantin’, murder-lovin’ mischievous gremlin, the Imp. The Pi Epsilon Delta sorority house has seen better days, but the girls are intent on gaining some new recruits. With housemother Auntie Snake as their guide, the naughty hijinks and hilarity begin. Meanwhile, though, the Bowl-O-Rama bowling alley has had a break-in, and a breakout. With the escape of the magical and murderous Imp, it’s a fight for survival, with only one mysterious girl holding the answers to the riddle of the Imp’s wish.”

The original Sorority Babes In The Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama came out in 1988 and showed women’s panties and chestular areas. Didn’t need the lingerie section of the Sears™ catalogue after that.

THE DEATH OF APRIL / December 9, 2022 (VOD)

“Meagan Mullen, freshly moved into her East Coast home, keeps in touch with her friends and family through a video blog. As her entries — and her life — become more complex and emotional, strange things begin to happen in her apartment and the camera captures all of it.”

Here’s an example of one of her video blogs: “Rewatched The Handmaid’s Tale…washed hair again…drank wine and shopped on Amazon.com…found yet another ghost caught in the dryer’s lint trap…”

HOW TO KILL MONSTERS / release pending 2023 (VOD)

Jamie Lancaster is the sole survivor of a blood-drenched massacre at a remote cabin in the woods. Claiming her friends were torn apart and eaten by a horrific monster, she’s arrested by the local cops and locked up for a crime she didn’t commit. Jamie’s claims of innocence are all too real when the entire police station is ripped from our reality and thrown into a nightmarish dimension of Lovecraftian creatures hungry for human flesh. Jamie must team up with a bunch of rookie cops and lawbreakers to hack and slash their way through an army of monsters and find a way to get back home before it is too late.”

Sounds like the cousin to 2011’s Cabin In The Woods. That one had every monster ever created in it, with a really big one at the end. I shan’t spoil it for you…EVEN THOUGH I WANT TO.

BAD ACID / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“An accidental bad trip goes heinously awry into the land of neon and spandex. A very Heathers-esque accidental ingestion turns the neon assault of a teen girl’s bedroom into a fluorescent (well-toned) hellscape.”

Don’t do drugs or you’ll end up in jail wearing neon-colored spandex, much to the delight of lifer inmates.

Kaiju Chums, Wrathful Windmills, Woodland Cults

Posted in demons, Evil, Fantasy, Ghosts, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Nature Gone Wild, paranormal, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on November 29, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Godzilla vs. Kong 2 isn’t just a fevered dream of, say, someone who might drink a LOT of beer, it’s also happening…for real. Now filming in Australia (or “Hollower Earth ”), GvK2 is slated for release on March 15, 2024. In impatient fan years, that’s like 100. (Note: The above graphic is NOT anywhere near being the official ad sheet. I hereby divest myself of any and all blame.)

Here’s what they’re telling us about the biblical event thus far: “The new movie pits the almighty Kong and the fearsome Godzilla against a colossal undiscovered threat hidden within our world, challenging their very existence – and our own. It will delve further into the histories of these Titans, their origins and the mysteries of Skull Island and beyond, while uncovering the mythic battle that helped forge these extraordinary beings and tied them to humankind forever.”

I need to take a cold shower. Before I do, I’m seeing the movie might also be called Godzilla and Kong and Godzilla and Kong: Origins, suggesting these two city-wrecking rascals are now BFFs. Cute. I’ll check Instagram™ for their selfies and hug-it-out posts. 

While we’re forced to wait for the future to hurry up and get here right the f-word now, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not induce fever dreams brought on by beer… 

MIRAL / Out now (VOD)

“A family on a car journey runs into trouble in a windmills farm. The husband tries to save them from mysterious occurrences that are happening.”

A windmill is a structure that converts wind power into rotational energy by means of vanes called sails or blades, specifically to mill grain. Unless that milled grain is used to make evil sandwich bread and/or delicious, artificially-colored breakfast cereals, not seeing the point here.

THE LONG DARK TRAIL / Release pending 2022 (VOD)

“After two impoverished teenage brothers manage to escape their abusive father, they embark on a treacherous and haunted journey in the hope of finding their estranged mother who has joined a sadistic cult, deep in the woods of Northwest Pennsylvania.”

Impoverished. I’ve used that word lots of times when settling up a bar tab, “Sorry — I seem to be a little impoverished this week. Can you cover me until pay day?” Works every time. 

T BLOCKERS / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“When ancient parasites that thrive on hatred rise from beneath a small town, taking the most fearful and susceptible as hosts, a young trans filmmaker struggling to transition in increasingly hostile times for LGBTQ+ people, finds herself the only one who can sense the possessed, and rally the resistance before the horror escapes and spreads.”

Given the repugnant level of hostility for the for LGBTQ+ community these days, the hate-seeking ancient parasites just hit the bottom of the barrel jackpot. 

ATTACHMENT / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Maja, a has-been actress in Denmark, falls in love with Leah, a young, Jewish academic visiting from the UK. When Leah suffers a mysterious seizure, Maja fears their whirlwind romance might be cut short and decides to follow Leah back to her home in London. There, Maja meets her new downstairs neighbor: Leah’s mother, Chana. An overbearing, seemingly religious and highly secretive woman, Chana seems resistant to all of Maja’s attempts to win her over. And as Maja notices strange occurrences in the building, she begins to suspect that Chana’s secrets could be much darker than first anticipated.”

It always makes me heart sad when seizures and strange occurrences get in the way of whirlwind romances.

Grisly Game, Hell’s Flophouse, Holiday Varmint

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, paranormal, Slashers, Vampires, Werewolves with tags , , , , , on November 28, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre came out in 1974 and almost overnight became one of the most notorious and shocking movies ever made, despite the fact a victim being sawed into barbecue fixins by the human-skin masked Leatherface was never shown. Sure, you heard the shrieks and the revving chainsaw, but you didn’t get to see the gory-fied action. Behold, the power of suggestion.

Now, nearly five decades later, you finally get the chance to play out your “death by power tool” fantasies with The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Game. And at $59.95, which was ironically more than TCM’s film budget, you can afford to. Beats paying to see all nine of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre’s crappy sequels. Here’s what your coveted pocket coupons will get you…

Trick or Treat Studios™ introduces The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Game from designer Scott Rogers with illustrations by Terry Wolfinger. The players’ van has run out of gas, leaving them stranded and at the mercy of the Slaughter family. Work together and push your luck to escape. In this cooperative game, all players win or lose as a group. Pull tokens from a gruesome bag to take actions — but be careful, pulling too many may antagonize the Slaughter family.”

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Game is set to ship March 31, 2023 — preorder it HERE. While we’re getting in the mood by going to a hardware store and buying (or “purchasing”) the Poulan™ 306a saw (the model used in the movie), here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not leave you feeling like you just got a haircut with a power tool…

THE HOUSE THAT EATS FLESH / Out now (VOD)

“There is a house that has been passed down from generation to generation, but it isn’t just any ordinary house. This house is built on the Gates of Hell. A group of friends desperate to have a nice holiday together will discover the truth of what goes on inside. The doors are locked, the windows are barred — and something sinister is breaking through the floor.”

A house built on the Gates of Hell. Well, dang — they finally made a movie about the Tug Tavern.

THE MEAN ONE / December 9, 2022 (Theaters/Limited), December 15, 2022 (free online)

“In a sleepy mountain town, Cindy has her parents murdered and her Christmas stolen by The Mean One — a bloodthirsty green figure in a red Santa suit . But when the ravenous, Christmas hating creature begins to terrorize the town and threatens to ruin the holiday, she finds a new purpose — trapping and killing the monster.”

Bloodthirsty green figure. I bet its the Green Goblin. Or Green Lantern. Or Shrek. Or Kermit the Frog. Or the incredible Hulk, who is more than noticeably green. I’m calling for a police lineup. 

WOLF MANOR / January 9, 2023 (DVD & Digital Download)

“Shooting a vampire flick in an old, abandoned manor house should have worked like a dream, but the British film crew is out of their depth, over schedule and desperate to get the shoot finished and go home. However, as the moon turns full, the nightmare begins. Blood flows and the body count rises as cast and crew meet the manor’s resident werewolf.”

Werewolves rarely mind their manors. Heh.

BRIDE OF THE KILLER PIÑATA / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“10 years after finally defeating the Killer Piñata, Lindsey Goodman finds herself struggling with domestic life in the suburbs. When a new piñata arrives looking for help, the Killer Piñata wakes, mentoring her in its murderous ways and reigning hell down on the suburbs. With her family in the cross-hairs, Lindsey must rally the old crew one last time to send the Killer Piñata back to Hell for good.”

Okay…what? I really hope Lindsay’s old crew is rally-able as having the Killer Piñata casing the suburbs devalues everyone’s cul-de-sac.

Monstrous Manuals, Predatory Fossils, Divine DNA

Posted in demons, Evil, Fantasy, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, paranormal, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 27, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

There’s only one thing better than watching horror movies. Okay, having a refreshing adult beverage ranks right up there. But staying with the theme of horror (again, quit making me write about drinking), READING about horror is the next best thing. 

Where to start, though? There are currently one billion trillion books on horror, with another seven million coming out this week. A suggestion would be to head on over to Rue Morgue’s fantastic website and pick up Monstro Bizzaro: An Essential Manual of Mysterious Monsters (132 pages/soft bound), their comprehensive compendium of all things crytpid and folklore. And it’s only $14.95. Heck, you’d pay that for a keg of St. Ides High Gravity Malt Liquor™ or seven 7-Eleven™ Cupcake Vodka martinis. (And yes, Cupcake Vodka is a real thing — I bought a case. It’s absolutely face-imploding. As I’m not wasteful, I’ll drink the rest and angrily demand a refund.)

And Rue Morgue publishes a variety of cool horror movie books. For instance, their Authorized Phantasm Film Companion pairs nicely with a cupcake martini. And who wouldn’t want to peruse Rue’s Monster Movie Heroes must-read while nuzzling a chilled, austere carafe of Colt 45™? At this point all you’d need is an overstuffed reading chair (or couch), a gently burning fire (preferably in a fireplace), your fav jammies (underwear) and a bathroom close by.

While you go to RueMorgue.com to expand your horror library — and a discount liquor store to explore the horror that is your life choices — here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as rewarding as a scintillating quart of King Cobra™

PTERODACTYL / Out now (Tubi™)

“A young woman travels to a remote island to find her missing sister.”

Given the movie’s title/art, seems like they left out a few details. Allow me: “A young woman travels to a remote island to find her missing sister…only to find her turned into a human snack bar by once-thought prehistoric parrots, who swallow without chewing her innards as if they were Oyster Rockefellers.” And there you go.

DRAGON FURY: WRATH OF THE FIRE / Out now (VOD)

“After surviving the events of the first movie, Vanessa has gone into hiding after being threatened by the government. However, a group of researchers find and convince her to go back to the mountains — and this time the dragons are more deadly than ever.”

This one was also called (or “referred to”) as Dragon Fury 2: Return To the Mountains. I like the new title better as it has a little more zing to it. The movie itself? Not so much.

SADISTIC: THE EXORCISM OF LILY DECKERT / Out now (VOD)

“A young woman becomes possessed by an evil entity after visiting a haunted house.”

Where else are you gonna get possessed by evil, besides church, that is? Usually when I become possessed by an evil entity, I run to the bathroom, stick a plunger down my neck, spew the foulness all over everything except the toilet, and swear to whoever lives in those puffy storm clouds in the sky that I will NEVER go back to Taco Bell™ and eat their Crunchwrap Supreme® Combo ever again. Until next week, maybe.

THE DEVIL CONSPIRACY / January 13, 2023 (Theaters)

“A powerful biotech company has breakthrough technology allowing them to clone history’s most influential people with just a few fragments of DNA. Behind this company is a cabal of Satanists that steals the shroud of Christ, putting them in possession of JesusDNA. The clone will serve as the ultimate offering to the Devil. Archangel Michael comes to Earth and will stop at nothing to end the Devil’s conspiracy.”

I can see the reviews now: “The Vatican Gives A Five-Star Pentagram For The Devil Conspiracy!” “Holy Moley!” enthuses Pope Larry. “It’s the most original plot since The Exorcist! Hope that Jesus guy doesn’t get ‘cross’ for us saying that…”

Frightful Figurine, Vagrant Vampires, Germ Grub

Posted in demons, Evil, Misc. Horror, paranormal, Science Fiction, Slashers, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , on November 26, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Of the many non-alcohol-related things to spend your money on, you can’t do much better than a huge Pennywise doll that’s almost as tall as you are, assuming you’re over four feet in height, not counting high heels/platform Disco shoes. The only thing scarier than this doll, though, is its price: $699.99. Whew — glad it’s not $700.00 as that would break the bank.

From the freakin’ awesome Trick or Treat Studio’s™ website: “Warner Bros.™ and Trick or Treat Studios™ are proud to present the Official IT Pennywise Premium Scale Doll. Sculpted by Mark Anthony, this amazing doll measures 50” tall and is made of soft flexible foam surrounding an industrial strength posable aluminum frame. The doll is dressed in highly detailed clothing and shoes and features a beautiful paint job. The IT Pennywise Premium Scale Doll comes in a themed window box.”

Shipping is estimated to begin May 8, 2023 — just in time for National No Socks Day. And yes, that’s a real holiday. (Still waiting for National No Pants Day because, hey…NO PANTS!) The website also tells us the IT Pennywise Premium Scale Doll does not stand on its own without support. Well heck, neither do I.

So while we’re “donating” blood for cash 85 times in order to pay for this must-have punchinello (sorry — word of the day calendar. Apparently, it means “clown”), here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not stand on their own without support…

DOWN AND OUT IN VAMPIRE HILLS / Out now (VOD)

Vampires are at the top of the food chain. They are glamorous, seductive, elegant, and magnetic. They can also be old, out of touch and a tad eccentric. What does a vampire have to do to survive in the 21st century? Seriously, do vampires have to get jobs? How else to pay the rent? Homelessness and bloodsucking collide in this tale and the question that is asked is: Are vampires predators or prey? Even vampires can be down and out in a time when no one knows who is eating whom. On the other hand, if a vampire has a pair of cute boots, she may be able to handle anything.”

Makes sense that vampires would want to squat in an upscale community. Boots — social media-deemed cute or otherwise — are hard to find in Transylvania. A stylish cape maybe, but not footwear to digitally flaunt/die for.

THE HARBINGER / Release pending 2022 (VOD)

“When her oldest friend is plagued by horrific nightmares from the beyond, Monique is forced to travel to NYC. On the first night of the visit, Monique learns the dreams are contagious – and so is the Harbinger, the plague mask-wearing demon who not only feeds on its victim’s souls, but warps reality itself to remove any trace of their existence.”

Wish I could do that. By that I mean be a mask-wearing demon, but not feed on souls. Souls taste weird and don’t leave you feeling satiated. Plague sandwiches on the other hand…

ERBSÜNDE / Release pending 2023 (Theaters/VOD)

“In search of an adventurous story in the woods, a group of journalism students awaken a superhuman being from its lost cyro chamber. A long night of man-hunting and desperation begins.”

If I was a super-human being who just woke up in the woods, the first thing I’d do is kick a tree in half, fry the students who disturbed my ancient slumber with zig-zaggy beams that shoot out of my eyes, and punch an aircraft carrier right in the anchor. Then I’d go a get a Deluxe Burger and a small Diet Coke™ at Frisko Freeze™. Wow, I really went off the road just now.

HELLBILLY HOLLOW / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Bull not only protects his not-so-small younger brother from the outside world — but also the outside world from Tickles. A team of YouTube™ paranormal activity investigators come to a haunted attraction in the backwoods and find more than they bargained for as they follow thrill-seekers on a haunted hayride. Fear and death follow those who enter and seek the past.”

Someone is named Tickles? I’m so dang mad at my mom for not naming me that. Thanks a lot…MOM. If I was named Tickles, not only would I instill fear and death ‘n stuff, I’d charge a LOT more for haunted hay rides and… Geez, still coloring outside the lines. I gotta stop eating those chocolate-covered psychedelic mushrooms with sprinkles. If I was named Sprinkles

Supernatural Beer, Carnival Chaos, Zombies vs. Teens

Posted in Classic Horror, demons, Evil, Misc. Horror, paranormal, Science Fiction, Slashers, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 25, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

There’s a House of Mystery comic. There’s a House of Secrets comic. But did you know there’s a House of Mysterious Secrets website, that not only sells comics, but a plethora of horror-themed memorabilia, from shirts, lunch boxes and pot holders, to bottle openers, paint sets and air fresheners? Hell yep, there is.

Mind you, this is only a paragraphed summation. When you go to houseofmysterioussecrets.com website, you’ll find a veritable Wonderland of everyday items emboldened with everything from A Nightmare on Elm Street, Godzilla, Hellraiser, Universal Monsters, Elvira, Jaws, Evil Dead, Halloween and Chucky. And even that’s just scratching the itchy surface. 

On the gift list for MYSELF is An American Werewolf in London lunch box (packed with shredded British bologna sandwiches), a Teen Wolf action figure (kinda like looking at myself), the Beetlejuice Sandworm Metal Bottle Opener (to crack a bottle of Budweiser™ Juice with it), a Nosferatu Commerative Medallion Coin (to trade for more Budweiser™ Juice), a Frankenhooker wall tapestry (made of Spank Bank material), and a Return of the Living Dead air freshener, because, hey, flesh isn’t very pleasant to sniff, let along snack on.

While you spend ALL your holiday cash on all the above, here’s a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as cool as a Jaws vaccine card holder

THE BLACKLIGHT / Out now (VOD)

“Despite trying to leave behind a life of crime, Danny reluctantly teams with naïve rich kid Liam and wildcard drug dealer Kit Viper for a robbery that leaves them in possession of a mysterious supernatural artifact with immense power.”

A supernatural artifact with immense power. Sounds like they stole a 40 oz. bottle of Steel Reserve™.

THE CHAMBER OF TERROR / December 1, 2022 (VOD)

“Nash Caruthers is on a deadly collision course with the people that tore his world apart…along with something unexpected. Something far more sinister.”

The “Chamber of Terror” in this movie is a dilapidated carnival attraction. So where do I buy a ticket to ride it? Better yet, I’ll just get a Dizzy Pass™ and make fun happen.

NIGHT OF THE COMET / December 1, 2022 (Shudder™)

A huge comet passes near the Earth, nearly vaporizing the whole planet. Only a few teenagers, who were inside a steel movie projection booth, survive — all those outside were turned to dust. But a few partially exposed people are now hideous bloodthirsty zombies — and they begin a deadly hunt for the last remaining humans.”

Only teenagers survive. I feel sorry for the zombies.

FEAR / January 27, 2023 (Theaters)

“A group of friends gather for a much-needed weekend getaway at a remote and historic hotel. Celebration turns into terror as one by one, each guest faces their own worst fear.”

The guests at a fancy pants hotel faces their worst fears. What could that be — no room service? No minibar in their executive suite? No mint on their Pacific Coast Hotel TRIA Down & Feather Pillows™? Life must be a living Hell for them.

Lost Bigfoot, Killer Clown, Zombie Thanksgiving

Posted in Bigfoot, Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, paranormal, Science Fiction, Slashers, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 24, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The movie Sasqua (1975) has possibly the best plot ever: “A hippie commune is attacked by cryptids.” I read that and started crying tears of happiness. FINALLY, someone is doing something about all those stink hippies stinkin’ up the woods and, by extension, the entire world.

Before you break out the champagne (or Miller High Life — The Champagne of Beers™), you can’t watch this movie. Why? Because it only played for about two days at a local theater in Massachusetts back in the ’70s and was never seen again. (FYI: There were a lot of hippies in those days — and every day since.)

But dry your eyes — there’s a documentary called Sasqu — The Lost Bigfoot Film of Massachusetts being worked on as we speak. Here are the details: “Described by The Boston Globe as an obscure horror movie about a hippie commune attacked by cryptids,’ the elusive Sasqua has never seen the light of day outside of a brief and localized theatrical release back in the 1970s, and filmmaker John Campopiano has set out to uncover as much information, and as many relevant interview subjects, as he possibly can.”

While we wait for this Oscar™ contender and celebrate Bigfoot’s efforts for eradicating those who stink and have deprived themselves the glory of the washcloth, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be worthy of being spared by the glory of cryptids

MY APOCALYPTIC THANKSGIVING / Out now (VOD, Apple TV™)

“A zombie-obsessed, special needs adult searches for his absent mom while a Korean family and gang compete to be his family. But he teaches everyone forgiveness with the help of his favorite zombie television show.”

Zombies are synonymous with forgiveness, so this one should be bloody heartwarming.

MISTER CREEP / December 5, 2022 (VOD)

“Three college students stumble upon a lost television broadcast of a deceased serial killer and search for its location. They discover a nightmarish cover-up of a clown-faced man who killed hundreds and may still be around long after his death.”

A clown-faced man who killed hundreds. Anything worth doing is worth overdoing.

THE CHRISTMAS TAPES / December 16, 2022 (VOD)

“In this Christmas horror anthology, a family’s movie night on Christmas Eve is interrupted by a stranger insistent on making the next Christmas ‘classic’ film himself.”

I’m ready for my close-up. Just let me quaff a few pitchers of “holiday cheer” to get in the zone.

#FLOAT / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“When a vlogger and her crew embark on their annual river float to commemorate the untimely loss of their friend, they are plunged into a life and death battle with a mysterious local, a sinister paranormal force, and their own fears.”

YET ANOTHER “social media” horror movie. This means it #sucks.