Killer Clay, Killer Curse, Killer Grunge Rock

You can do a lot of things with clay — wad it up and throw it at people, stuff it in your ears to block out the neighbor who just won’t lay off the leaf-blower, shape it like a turd and leave it next to the bathroom toilet… But UK artist Lizzie Campbell, a clay artist and illustrator, uses it to create classic horror movie posters. And hey, they stick to the walls without tacks or nails.

Clay Disarray: Clay Art & Illustration, Lizzie’s website, is loaded with super creative clay horror movie “posters”: Day of the Dead, They Live, The Witch, Carrie, IT, Salem’s Lot and a lot more. She even recreates classic art (The Scream, Mona Lisa) and historical figures (Henry VIII, The Beatles) in colorful polymer clay. The best part is she has a YouTube™ channel (click here) where you can watch here create the art and even offers tutorials, though once you master the clay turd, you’re pretty much at the top of your game.

So while we all go back to playing with our Silly Putty™, here are a few out now/upcoming horror movies that may or may not belong next to — or in — a bathroom toilet…

HALF DEAD FRED / Out now (Amazon Prime Video™)

“A mysterious murder takes place in Flint, Michigan and medium detective Freddy Nash is on the case. Years ago Fred was victim to a fatal car accident that left not only Fred but his 9-year-old son dead. A few seconds after his death he came back to life in the hospital. Since this traumatic accident he has acquired the ability to see the dead. The case turns out to be much more than a murder.”

This premise was used nearly 25 years ago in The Sixth Sense (1999). And all those ghosts in that movie? Still around.

SKARECROW: THE CURSE NEVER DIES / March 28, 2023 (DVD)

“When the vile James Brothers murder an innocent woman to take over her land, her dying breath places a curse on the family through a scarecrow. Years later, a descendant of the James family has taken his friends to the old cabin for the weekend. They soon find the curse and the scarecrow are still wanting blood.”

For the James family descendants, it’ll be the last…straw. Comedy gold, right there.

BLISS OF EVIL / Release pending 2023 (VOD, DVD)

“A sound engineer is forced to confront her trauma when she and her girlfriend’s grunge band are trapped in a recording studio by a shadowy killer.”

Too bad Screaming Life was already used by a grunge band (Soundgarden). Seems like it’d be the perfect album title for these grungers given the circumstances.

HOMESTEAD / Release Pending 2023 (VOD)

“A family of homesteaders taken captive by a gang of outlaws. Their survival comes to rest in the hands of Irene, a loud-mouthed 12-year-old girl who’s got an uncanny knack for shooting guns.”

Yeah, I didn’t think this was a horror movie, either. However, Homestead is being described as a “nail-biting mesh of Rob Zombie’s House of 1000 Corpses (2003) and the hit Yellowstone spin-off 1883.” They had me at mesh.

Glazed Gorilla, Bearly Evil, Ghost Criminals

In King Kong vs. Godzilla, the 1962 kaiju classic dust up, there was the hilariously memorable and infamous scene where Kong gets drunk as a mecha-skunk and passes out, his bar tab covered by jungle natives. This is so he can be taken passively to Japan for promotional purposes and ends up in a smackdown with Godzilla, who is a total teetotaler. (The outcome depended on whether you live in the US or Japan.) Now you can get a Drunk Kong action (or would that be non-action) figure and get your jungle boogie on.

From TemptingToysandCollectibles.com website: “Rotokaiju drunk King Kong 1962 30cm Vinyl figure fully built and painted (made in 2020). This limited version was completely built and painted by the manufacturer and has the ‘drunk’ Kong face and three Suma Juice jars.” Drunk Kong stands 12” inches tall — or 12” long when he’s laying in the gutter, stinking of Suma Juice highballs. That’s the fun news. The opposite of that is Drunk Kong costs $1,999.00. (Conversely, a six-pack of Suma Juice is only $1.00._ Spend your money here.

The way they transport Drunk Kong off Faro Island was genius, strapping him to hot air balloons and gently escorting the drunky monkey off the premises. FYI: If you plan on chugging down a few jars of Suma Juice (called Soma Juice on the box and Farolacton Juice on Kong’s island), be sure and have a designated balloon handler to get you home — don’t drink and float.

So while we head to the Faro Island’s corner liquor store to stock up on Farolacton Juice and become a party animal, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make your head swell up like a balloon…

ADALYNN / March 28, 2023 (VOD)

“A mother is fighting postpartum depression and slipping over the edge. It becomes hard to distinguish where depression ends and her nightmares turn real as she and her newborn are haunted by a stalker unlike any other.”

Probably a demonic nanny/babysitter. I had one. She let me get away with murder.

NIGHT OF THE KILLER BEARS / April 18, 2023 (VOD)

“After not seeing each other for a long time, five teenage friends living in Bangkok go on a vacation together, staying at a quiet resort isolated from the city. Things take a dark turn when it’s revealed each of them have hidden secrets, and unbeknown to the group, there is someone observing them. When one of them ends up brutally murdered, paranoia and distrust surrounds the group, motivating each remaining member to accuse each other of being the murderer or considering the possibility that the real murderer is the unseen presence observing them, and that they all are in danger.”

Bears are the new sharks in horror movies recently, what with the moderate successes of Cocaine Bear (2023), Winnie-The-Pooh: Blood and Honey (2023). But for really scare bears, that chemical pollution-mutated one in The Prophecy (1979) and the alien-mutated one in Annihilation (2018) are both pretty…grizzly.

LEGEND OF THE WHITE DRAGON / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Erik Reed, The White Dragon, has returned home to Virtuo City three years later after being defeated in a colossal battle against the ancient overlord, Ashtagor. The crystal he used to become the White Dragon was broken in two as a result of the epic battle, both pieces were subsequently lost. Being blamed for the destruction and collateral lives lost, his identity was outed after the battle thus making him a fugitive from the law. We now follow Erik on his journey as he teams up with treasure hunters from the past who help him reclaim his power as the White Dragon. Once reunited with his powers, he and his team are now ready to battle a new threat, Dragon Prime, who seeks revenge against the White Dragon and try and defeat Dragon Prime in order to get one step closer to clearing his name and being able to protect his family from an ancient evil that still lurks in the darkness — Ashtagor.”

A lot going on here. Then again, the trailer explodes with spaceships, punching violence, future bikinis, ancient overlords with dumb names, revenge glares and costumes that look more at home in a 1980s video game. So yeah, I’ll watch the movie.

DEADLAND / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A U.S. Border Patrol Agent tries to apprehend the ghost of his father, a grave decision that will haunt him forever.”

Related or not, ghost criminals are the worst because it’s near to impossible to keep ’em in jail, what with being able to walk through walls ’n stuff.

Cuddly Kaiju, Filming Bigfoot, Killer Whales

Godzilla is the KISS of merchandising, having his likeness/logo/iconic beer belch attached to literal hundreds of products, ranging from designer underwear and hot sauce to 100% Toho™ cotton bed sheets and a themed hotels (Hotel Gracery Shinjuku, for a reasonable $125 a night). And thanks to Quantam Mechanix™, Godzilla is now a plush zipperhead. And no, that wasn’t me calling him names. Godzilla has been turned into a plush toy (fancy term for being stuffed) with a mouth that can be opened/closed with zipper lips. (That sounds like a cool name for a new Godzilla foe or a punk band.)

Godzilla Zippermouth Plush comes in a set of four: Godzilla Burning, Godzilla Atomic Breath, Godzilla Standard, Godzilla Black and White. This set sells for $139.99 and has these features: “Charming, edgy, and packed with personality, these Godzilla Zippermouth Plush are soft, cute, and full of details that will appeal to kids and even the most discerning collector. Measuring approximately 8 1/2-inches tall, each plush features individually stuffed claws; embroidered details on his eyes, nose, spine; and custom-dyed fabric that’s super soft to the touch. They also sport a trademark Quantum Mechanix™ zippered smile you can unzip to reveal Godzilla’s destructive grin!”

Destructive grin. A possible name for a rotgut craft cocktail. These plushies arrive in June 2023 and you can reserve yours here. And while you start a punk band and/or sip some rotgut, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/TV series that may or may not leave you feeling stuffed…

SOMETHING WALKS IN THE WOODS / Out now (VOD)

“A viral video shows a mysterious figure walking along the edge of the woods each day, and filmmaker Bill Howard sets out to spend a night there to find out exactly what it is.”

It’s Bigfoot looking to pound the film out of anyone pointing a camera in his general direction

THE REAPER MAN / April 18, 2023 (VOD)

“A grieving wife summons a dark spirit with an insatiable desire for revenge.”

I liked this better when it was called Pumpkinhead (1988).

SYMPATHY FOR THE DEVIL / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“After being forced to drive a mysterious passenger at gunpoint, a man finds himself in a high-stakes game of cat and mouse where it becomes clear that not everything is as it seems.”

This one stars Nicolas Cage, who has already been in 415 movies so far this year.

THE SWARM / Release pending 2023 (Streaming Series)

“Whales begin sinking ships. Toxic, eyeless crabs poison Long Island’s water supply. The North Sea shelf collapses, killing thousands in Europe. Around the world, people are beginning to feel the effects of the ocean’s revenge as the seas and their inhabitants begin a ‘violent revolution’ against mankind. At stake is the survival of the Earth’s very fragile ecology — and ultimately, the survival of humanity.”

They had me at whales sinking ships. Points also for eyeless crabs.

Zombie Skin Care, Oceans of Terror, Hippie Horror

If your goal is to look like a zombie AND years younger, but don’t wanna go through the slight discomfort of being bitten by a zombie or those excruciatingly painful Botox™ injections, just click on over to Amazon.com™ and get yourself a Zombie Pack™ and start being the you that you wanna be.

The Zombie Pack from Skin 1004 one-step skin-tightening mask uses a aloe and egg albumen to tighten, brighten and moisturize your face. And it’s on sale for $17 — normally $90. That’s a face-chewing $73 savings! So where does the zombie part come in? From their sales pitch: “It comes in a powder and you mix it with a liquid that activates the mask. You then brush it onto your skin and let it do its work for fifteen minutes. It dries and cracks, but because it’s clear, you start to look like a zombie. Then just wash it off with warm water to reveal tight, glowing skin.” (Rush to buy it here).

I don’t know about you, but I could care less about having tight, glowing skin. I’d put it on and let it dry and party-up my face. Then I’d go to the store or attend a myriad of social opportunities. So while I’m doing that, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not leave you feeling dry and cracked…

LAST SENTINEL / March 24, 2023 (VOD)

Set in the near future, unchecked and rampant climate change has caused temperatures and sea levels to rise catastrophically. Only two large continents remain and billions died during the mass migration to these higher lands. Surrounded by an endless ocean and thousands of miles from home, a skeleton crew of soldiers stand as the last bastion, defending their homeland from an invasion by an enemy they have never seen, monitoring for signs of attack and prepared to sacrifice themselves for the cause. Their tour of duty ended three months ago with no relief in sight. Alone and uncertain as to what fate awaits them, the simmering tension amongst the crew escalates when a mysterious boat drifts into range – is it the help they have been waiting for, or something far more sinister?”

Wonder if that mysterious boat is the S.S. Minnow, carrying two old people, one smart guy, two hot chicks and two sailors who “bunk” together? If it is, and you’re looking to be rescued, put down the flare gun and look at other options.

DARK ENTITIES / April 14, 2023 (VOD)

“Following a tragic accident in 1977, the three Winters siblings move into the mysterious home they inherited. They soon discover the house holds dark secrets that seek to threaten everything they hold dear.”

Suspiciously, Motörhead’s debut album came out that very same year. Two words: cause and causality.

THE ANCESTRAL / Release pending 2023 (Screambox™)

“After suffering a family tragedy, a widower moves his two daughters to a centuries-old ancestral home. When both daughters fall prey to sleep paralysis and night terrors, their father seeks the help of a local psychologist. These chilling secrets and frightening visions eventually prove that not everything is what it seems in the old family house.”

The Ancestral had a theatrical release in Vietnam last year. I’ll have to do more intense research to find out what year that was. As for sleep paralysis and night terrors, is there a Tug Tavern in Vietnam?

TRIM SEASON /Release Pending 2023 (VOD)

“A group of diverse twenty-somethings from Los Angeles as they head up the coast to make quick cash trimming marijuana on a secluded farm in Northern California. Cut off from the rest of the world, they soon realize that the estate is harboring darker secrets than any of them could imagine, as they race against time to escape the dense woods with their lives.”

We can only hope the dark secret is undercover DEA agents looking to put the law boot down hard on entry-level hippies.

6 Inches of Terror, Digital Death, Jackie The Ripper

NECA™, maker of fine horror toys, has three must-have figures coming out in August of 2023. Using an abacus (calculator that doesn’t need batteries or plugged in), I determined that to be a little less than six months from the date of this posting. (I’ll have to get back to you on today’s date — I think I broke my abacus while calculating last month’s bar tab.) NECA™, who previously brought us fun figurines like Elvira, Herbert West (Re-Animator), The Miner (My Bloody Valentine), Freddy Krueger (The Brady Bunch), Universal Monsters and measurable tons more, is adding Vampira, Svengoolie and Captain Spaulding to their vast inventory.

According to NECA’s™ addictive website: “Bring the fun of Saturday morning cartoons to your horror collection with the adorable little creeps of Toony Terrors, NECA’s™ line of stylized horror icons! Standing approximately 6” tall, the Series 8 action figure assortment includes Captain Spaulding (House of 1000 Corpses) with alternate head, Vampira with skull, and Svengoolie. Each figure comes in blister card packaging with a bonus cutout backdrop.” (Preorder here).

While we chuck once-cherished family heirlooms cluttering up valuable shelf space to make room for these under $20 figures, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not have been made with a budget determined by a working abacus… 

GHOST WEBCAM / Available now (Tubi™)

“While under house arrest, Nate goes on a virtual date with a woman who appears to get murdered on camera. He needs to find out if it’s real or a hoax.”

Virtual dating seems so 2022. There are pros and cons, though, the best part being is when you get a data date to show you her binarys and you put your hardware into her software. Click and a promise.

THE GHOST WITHIN / March 17, 2023 (VOD)

“Margot revisits her family home, desperate to uncover who killed her sister Evie 20 years earlier. As she gets closer to the truth, Margot finds herself facing her deepest fears in the house that’s still haunted by Evie’s ghost.”

She died 20 years earlier and now you’re desperate to solve your sister’s murder? Sounds more like, “I’ll get around to it eventually, sis.”  

SLASHER: RIPPER / April 6, 2023 (Shudder™, AMC+™)

“Basil Garvey, a charismatic tycoon whose success is only rivaled by his ruthlessness, oversees a city on the cusp of a new century and a social upheaval that will see its streets run red with blood. There’s a killer stalking the mean streets, but instead of targeting the poor and downtrodden like Jack the Ripper, The Widow is meting out justice against the rich and powerful. The only person standing in the way of this killer is the newly promoted detective, Kenneth Rijkers, whose ironclad belief in justice may wind up being yet another victim of The Widow.”

Kinda like the bloodletting version of Robin Hood (1950). If The Widow is only going after the rich and powerful, I can safely leave my doors unlocked.

BROOKLYN 45 / Release pending 2023 (Shudder™)

“Friday, December 27, 1945. Five military veterans gather in the ornate parlour of a Brooklyn brownstone. Best friends since childhood, they’ve reunited to support their troubled host. But when his invitation for cocktails turns into an impromptu séance, the metaphoric ghosts of their past become all-too-literal. Trapped in their host’s lounge, the Greatest Generation now finds themselves put to one final test, with their only route to freedom being more bloodshed.”

Soldiers vs. Specters. Army vs. Apparitions. Platoon vs. Poltergeists. Brigade vs. Banshees. I could do this for another three minutes.

Artful Evil, Hell University, Inheriting a Monster

Fans of The Evil Dead franchise will simply soil themselves over this soil-inducing Evil Dead II poster, designed by UK artist, James Bousema. It makes you wanna buy a chainsaw and go swimming in blood.

And hey — you can buy it! Here are the details: “Limited to 175 prints, 24” x 36” inches (approx 61 x 91 cm), and hand-numbered lithograph on 300gsm GF Smith Accent uncoated paper. The poster sells for $49.00.” Totally affordable, though I have no idea what 300gsm GF Smith Accent means. Probably a British thing.

Evil Dead II (aka, Evil Dead 2: Dead By Dawn) came out in 1987 and is considered both a remake and a sequel of 1981’s The Evil Dead, wherein five friends travel to a cabin in the woods where they unknowingly release flesh-possessing demons. What else are they gonna do? Smoke illegal drugs and drink beer and throw the empties in the bushes? Kids back then were so reckless. And poorly dressed.

So while we weigh the pros and cons of buying the poster (click this) or go shopping for a chainsaw (click this), here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not be swimming in blood…

SUMMONING SYLVIA / March 31, 2023 (Limited) April 7, 2023 (VOD)

“A gay bachelor party that takes a spooky turn when sinister spirits are suddenly summoned. The warm and whimsical Larry has been kidnapped by his three best friends for a bachelor weekend getaway at a haunted house. As they sashay through the Victorian corridors, the comrades recount the house’s legend from a hundred years ago: a murderous woman named Sylvia slaughtered her son and buried him beneath the floorboards. All seems fine and spooky until Larry’s ultra-straight brother-in-law crashes the proceedings.”

If you bury anybody under the floorboards, you’re gonna go through a LOT of Frebreze™.

YOU’RE KILLING ME / April 7, 2023 (VOD)

“Eden goes to a coveted Heaven and Hell party, hoping to get a letter of recommendation to an elite university from the wealthy parents of her classmate, but the party quickly turns into a fight for her life.”

Wonder what kinds of snacks would be at a Heaven and Hell party? Angel food cake and Deviled eggs, I would imagine. I could go for both.

THE TANK / April 21, 2023 (Limited) April 25, 2023 (VOD)

“After mysteriously inheriting an abandoned coastal property, Ben and his family accidentally unleash an ancient, long-dormant creature that terrorized the entire region — including his own ancestors — for generations.”

Inheriting a free coastal property AND a long dormant creature? Score!

THE ELDERLY / Release pending 2023/2024 (VOD)

“Rosa commits suicide, which is the catalyst for the progressive physical and mental deterioration of Manuel, her elderly husband. Mario, his son, decides to bring him to live with his family, despite the fierce opposition of his new wife, who’s expecting a baby. Naia, his teenage granddaughter, is the only one who trusts Manuel, whose dementia is getting worse and worse by the day. The family’s new living situation will continue to go rapidly downhill, until it literally becomes a matter of life and death, leading to a dramatic denouement, which will take place on the hottest night of the century.

Sounds like a sitcom: Father Doesn’t Know Best.

Lunar Lunacy, Clown Exorcism, Celestial Gremlins

Besides inventing outer space, Tang™ and a couple of the nicer galaxies, NASA™ — National Aeronautics and Space Administration founded in 1958 — did something so cool, it’ll make you wanna apply to be one of their astronauts. (I tried, and they wrote back, “How about, astro-NOT?” Man, that’s cold.) Anyway, NASA™ designed horror/sci-fi movie posters based on real-life space stuff. It’s like they’re entertaining and teaching us — at the SAME TIME. Genius.

On their amazingly clever interactive Galaxy of Horrors web site, they have downloadable poster art with their science fact plot lines: Roasted Planet (“As HD 80606 b approaches its star from an extreme, elliptical orbit, it suffers star-grazing torture that causes howling, supersonic winds and shockwave storms across the planet”), Devoured By Gravity “(Lurking in our galaxy, approximately 6,000 light-years from Earth, is a monster black hole named CygnusX-1. Don’t get too close, or you’ll become its next meal!”)‚ and the super spooky, Gamma Ray Ghouls (“In the depths of the universe, the cores of two collapsed stars violently merge to release a burst of the deadliest and most powerful form of light – gamma rays. These beams are unleashed and shine a million trillion times brighter than the Sun.”)

And these are just a few of NASA’s™ “movies.” Click here to download free hi-res posters (Spanish versions available as well) and learn about the scary stuff right outside our Earthly confines/DYI space capsule. And while you put down your tasty simulated orange flavor powdered astronaut breakfast drink and do that immediately, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not seem “meh” compared to the real horrors of outer space…

HYPNOTICA / March 31, 2023 (VOD)

“A young psychiatrist tries hypnotism to save a patient but will soon wish to God he hadn’t.”

I tried to hypnotize a bartender once into over-serving me. If it wasn’t for him not at all being hypnotized, it might’ve worked.

CAMP BLOOD 666 PART 2: EXORCISM OF THE CLOWN / Out now (DVD), Release pending (VOD)

“Camp Blood is under new ownership as the updated Camp Blackwood. Locals hope to bury the infamous clown killer’s past, and release the victims from their torment. But when a pastor with ties to the previous grounds takes his church group out to make contact with restless spirits, wrath is all they are doomed to find. The clown killer is back, and this time he has an enemy of equal evil. His former cult followers have turned, as well as a vengeful witch, who will stop at nothing to see these titans of terror collide, and destroy anyone in their path.”

I thought the only restless spirits church people try to make contact with is Jesus ’n friends. Trying to find salvation with a clown killer (or “killer clown”) doesn’t seem like an astute spiritual business model.

SUMMONING THE SPIRIT / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Carla and Deanas decide to escape the hustle of the big city and purchase a home in the remote forest. They have big plans for their new quiet life, only to find something much more sinister. The couple quickly realize that they are on the land of a cult, and the leader claims a telepathic connection to a legendary flesh-eating beast deep in the woods surrounding them. Carla and Dean are forced to uncover the terrifying truth of the cult’s prophecy.”

A movie with Bigfoot in it of all things. Though it’s really annoying they refer to BF as “flesh-eating.” Squirrel sausages or raccoon sliders, yes. Human skin? Very low on his palate’s flavor profile.

SPACE GOBLINS / Release pending 2023/2024 (VOD)

“The film is a soft reboot of the underground cult-classic Space Goblins (2020) animated film. Having been living off the grid for the last decade, Bounty hunters Gib and Gob find themselves being called back into action for what could be their very last assignment.”

Cool title. Cool plot? Remains to be seen. And that’s IF you decide to seen it.

Fluorescent Frights, Smelly Horror, Next Door Exorcism

Super7.com™ is a website I often click on during work hours. They sell a myriad of cool monster toys, which is purchased regularly to put on the desk to distract from my work load. Gonna have to put in some overtime so I can buy their new Universal Monsters ReAction Luminator Series™, glow-in-the-light model kits: The Wolf Man, Frankenstein and The Mummy. Now I’ll be able to bathe in the model’s day-glo light as well as my Bud Light™.

From Super7.com’s™ website: “Illuminated by the glow of a full moon, The Wolf Man is ready to prowl for his next victim! Inspired by vintage model kits, this 3.75” articulated Universal Monsters ReAction Figure™ of The Wolf Man comes in translucent vibrant yellow, and is packaged in a throwback-style box. It would definitely be a bright idea to add these glow-in-the-light Universal Monsters ReAction Figures™ to your collection!” (Buy ’em here)

While we pad our work hours to come up with the $75 for all three ($25 each, so pretty sure my math is solid), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make you give up Bud Light™…

THE FIVE DEVILS /March 24, 2023 (Theaters) / May 12, 2023 (Mubi™)

“Vicky, a strange and solitary little girl, has a magical gift: she can reproduce any scent she likes, and collects them in a series of carefully labeled jars. She has secretly captured the scent of Joanne, her mother for whom she nurtures a wild, excessive love. When her father’s sister Julia bursts into their life, Vicky reproduces her smell and is transported into dark and archaic memories which lead her to uncover the secrets of her village, her family and her own existence.”

I can reproduce smells as well, especially after Taco Tuesday. I don’t store ‘em in labeled jars as I like to spread the love around, if you catch my…drift.

GODLESS: THE EASTFIELD EXORCISM / April 6, 2024 (VOD)

“Convinced his wife is possessed by dark forces, a desperate husband puts his faith in the power of a pitiless self-proclaimed exorcist, who is convinced that salvation can be found only through his hands. Based on a true story, this is a disturbing tale of misplaced faith and destructive zealotry.”

All wives are possessed by dark forces, usually after the honeymoon wears off.

VOICE OF SHADOWS / Release pending 2023/2024 (VOD)

A young working class woman stands to inherit an estate if she and her boyfriend abide by a set of bizarre stipulations.

Been done with Easy Money (1983), starring the legendary Sir Rodney Dangerfield, whose character Monty Capuletti stands to inherit $10 million from his super mean dead wealthy mother-in-law if he goes on a diet and quits doing drugs, drinking and gambling…for a whole year. I wouldn’t have made it a week.

NO WAY UP / release pending 2023 (VOD)

“No Way Up is a high concept combination of disaster movie and survival thriller, as characters from very different backgrounds are thrown together when the plane they’re traveling on crashes into the Pacific Ocean. The stricken airliner comes to rest perilously close to the edge of a bottomless ravine with the surviving passengers and crew trapped in an air pocket. With their air supply rapidly running out, a nightmare fight for survival ensues as dangers from all sides hone-in on them.”

The dangers from all sides means either hybrid razor clam sharks or some of Aquaman’s droppings. Hey, he lives in the ocean — where else is gonna go? Have a heart people – Aquaman’s gotta poop.

Ghostly Real Estate, Neck Bombs, Diabolical French Turtle

If you’re a fan of haunted houses, real estate and stand-up comedy, you can scratch all those itches by attending the one-man show/book signing of Grady Hendrix: How To Sell A Haunted House In A Challenging Market, which takes place April 26, 2023, 7PM at SPACE 538 in Portland, ME. (That’s walking distance to The Holy Donut — home of the handmade Maine potato donut.)

From event organizer Space538.org’s press release: “From Pliny the Younger to the Amityville Horror, we’ve been convinced there’s something undead living inside our homes rent-free for thousands of years. New York Times bestselling author Grady Hendrix, presents another of his one-of-a-kind, one-man shows, tap-dancing through the haunted hallways of houses from Downton Abbey-sized country homes to split-level suburban ranchers as we try to figure out why we’re so obsessed with the world’s worst roommates — ghosts. This is the seminar that will change your life…guaranteed. Live multimedia event followed by a book signing.”

Tickets (click here) are only $7.00, so while we plan on spending hundreds of dollars to get there to score that bargain, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as delicious as The Holy D’s top seller: a bacon and pancake breakfast in donut form…

HACKSAW / Out now (VOD)

“A young couple on a road trip takes a detour to the site where a notorious murderer, Ed “Hacksaw” Crowe, became an urban legend on the day he was killed many years before. But they quickly find the legend may not be quite as dead as they were counting on.”

Time spent coming up with this plot — seven seconds. The ONLY thing that can save this tediously generic flushable is having WWE’s™ “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan in the title role.

ABRUPTIO / March 1—12, 2023 (Cinejoy Theatre)

“Les Hackel hates his life. He works a dead-end job, was just dumped by his high-maintenance girlfriend, and still lives with his nagging mom. One night, he discovers a fresh incision behind his neck. His friend Danny tells him it’s a bomb, that someone has implanted one in his neck, too. And then the messages start coming in, forcing Les to carry out missions with deadly results. Les is partnered up with a series of oddball characters to commit heinous tasks. The violence escalating around him, Les pieces together the clues that reveal the horrific plans to breed a monstrous race of beings.”

Before you get too ramped up for this, know that this is life-sized puppet horror and is described as “Comedy, mystery, blood, A-List voices, action, and puppets combine in the first-of-its-kind surrealistic horror/thriller.” Yep, I just ruined your day. 

FOLLOWERS / March 24, 2023 (VOD)

What starts as hilariously bad YouTube™ videos develops into a warning to the world about a shocking new strain of supernatural serial killer. Jonty, a failing influencer with an ambition to reach over a million followers, will stop at nothing to become famous. A new start at university brings with it hopes of a resurgence in his popularity when a demonic presence appears in his student house. Jonty decides to stream his and his housemates’ experiences with this supernatural entity to gain the fame and fortune he’s most been craving. But at what cost?

If you’re a failing influencer stopping at nothing to become famous, just let the supernatural serial killer do its job. We totally heart you supernatural serial killer. 

SMOKING CAUSES COUGHING / March 31, 2023 (Theaters, VOD)

“After a devastating battle against a diabolical giant turtle, the Tobacco Force is sent on a mandatory week-long retreat to strengthen their decaying group cohesion. Their sojourn goes wonderfully well until Lézardin, Emperor of Evil, decides to annihilate planet Earth.”

A weirdo movie made in France. Other weirdo French stuff — Brioche (expensive bread), Éclairs (expensive donut) and Mousse au chocolat (expensive chocolate pudding made with essence of rodeo moose).

Supersized Superheroes, Brain Suckers, Junkie Reptiles

There are superhero action figure fanatics and then there are mega superhero action figure fanatics. If you’re one of the latter, get ready to soil yourself: XM Studios™, makers of highly-coveted superhero models, have come out with a monolithic Justice League VS Darkseid diorama. Assembled, the stunningly detailed diorama will give your face an aghast expression. Kinda like shocked, but with more spit cup drool. 

From their website: “XM Studios™ is excited to present our 1:6 DC EPIC DIORAMA series, Justice League VS Darkseid! An epic battle scene diorama all DC fans should have in their collection, Justice League comprising of Superman, Wonder Woman, Batman, The Flash, Aquaman, Green Lantern and Martian Manhunter engages in battle with one of Justice League’s main adversary and one of the most powerful being in the DC Multiverse, Darkseid.” 

A few specs: Limited to 338 pieces, the dimensions of this couch-sized diorama are 41.33” long x 30.70” wide x 33.46” tall and comes in three boxes, shipping from Singapore for $1,350.00. Not surprising given the combined weight of 116.85 lbs. Scary, but not as much as the price: $3,299.00. That’s the same for the color (or “colour”) and aged bronze versions (Limited to 100 pieces). Buy ’em here.

And while you’re trying to decide whether or not your car needs all that space in the garage that could be used to showcase this epic diorama, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may not have had a film budget of the Justice League diorama price tag…

SUCCUBA / Out now (Tubi™)

“An evil presence attaches to a lonely widower who intends to guard it for as long as he can.”

This happens all the time to the pension drunks who live at the Tug Tavern.

MIND LEECH / Out now (VOD)

“A very persuasive Leech is wreaking havoc in rural Provinstate, 1998. On a mission to expand its horizons, our influential invertebrate enlists the help of the local townsfolk. The police are soon on the tail of our pesky parasite.”

According to some flora ‘n fauna website I happened across, leeches are chiefly aquatic carnivorous or bloodsucking annelid worms. The leeches in my life don’t look like annelid worms (okay, some do), but they certainly are bloodsucking. And money-sucking. And energy-sucking. And suck-sucking.

CARNAL MONSTERS / February 28, 2023 (DVD,VOD)

“A group of friends go out for a day to cheer themselves up and come across the unconscious bodies of two girls outside of a nuclear facility. But the two girls turn out to be mad killers and they turn the pleasant day out into a nightmare. And did we mention the poison gas that was created by a mad scientist?”

Going out for the day to cheer themselves up with unconscious bodies outside a nuclear facility. Apparently, I’ve been doing this relaxing thing all wrong. 

ATTACK OF THE METH GATOR / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“ A tweaker gator snorts up its stash and goes on a unacceptable social behavior rampage while looking to score. Things get even worse when Cocaine Bear shows up to do a few rails with the agitated alligator and all holy hell ensues. Spoiler alert: Detox Donkey makes a small, but essential cameo.”

The plot is fake, but the movie is real. Once again, Asylum Studios™ ripping off — and probably igniting — a flood of horror movies about drugged up animals. What’s next — OxyContin Owl? Ritalin Raccoon? Percoset Penguin?