California Screamin’, Sci-Fi Republicans, Hot Jedi Knights

Midsummer Scream™ is the world’s largest Halloween and Horror convention, and is returning July 28-30, 2023 to the Long Beach Convention Center (presumably in Long Beach), and promises “Hall of Shadows, a massive dark zone featuring a stunning array of haunted attractions, interactive photo ops, and live entertainment as creatures lurk and screams flow from the swirling fog.” They had me at swirling fog.

From the MidsummerScream.org’s website: “As we celebrate horror games of all types this year at Midsummer Scream, the theme of this year’s Hall of Shadows is Dungeons & Demons, which pays homage to the OG ‘monster’ game that we all grew up with and still love to this day: Dungeons & Dragons,” says Rick West, Co-Founder and Creative Director of Midsummer Scream. “We’ve invited our haunters this year to let their imaginations run wild and, where possible, to incorporate some kind of gamification or interactive element into their Hall of Shadows creations. Everyone is excited and hard at work to bring fans the most epic Hall of Shadows yet!”

That’s an understatement — go to MidsummerScream.org to see an endless amount of exhibitions, the Decayed Brigade, with their “high-energy sliding maneuvers and pulse-pounding stunts” being a highlight. Tickets to this holy celebration range from a nicely-priced $65 (+ $4 fee) for a weekend pass, and a coveted VIP Gold Bat Pass for $140. Daily passes go for $35 to $50, a screaming deal. 

So while we eagerly snap up tickets (buy now) and get our cosplay on (I’m dressing up as a Facehugger again — line up, ladies!), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/TV series that may or may not have swirling fog in ’em…

SECRET INVASION / June 21, 2023 (Disney+™)

“Nick Fury uncovers a conspiracy for a group of shape-shifting Skrulls to infiltrate Earth in positions of power around the world, recruiting Everett K. Ross, Maria Hill, and Talos to stop it and save humanity.”

Ugh — more Republicans. Where’s Thanos when you need him?

‘TIL DEATH DO US PART / August 4, 2023 (Theaters, VOD)

“After running away on her wedding day, a bride-to-be must fight for survival against her former fiancé and his seven deadly groomsmen. In the ultimate horror showdown, the groomsmen soon discover that she has no intention of going back to the life she left behind.”

Exact same plot as Bury The Bride, which came out exactly in April of 2023.

HEIR OF THE WITCH / August 4, 2022 (VOD)

“An underprivileged seamstress, haunted by her past, seeks love and acceptance in high society but is faced with the curse from her evil roots.”

An underprivileged seamstress is haunted by her past AND cursed? Say it ain’t sew.

AHSOKA / August 21, 2023 (Disney+™)

“After the fall of the Galactic Empire, former Jedi Knight Ahsoka Tano investigates an emerging threat. She’s on a mission to find Ezra Bridger, who was lost in distant space during a previous battle. There’s danger along the way, as she’ll be forced to fight her way to the lost rebel. The Empire is still intact enough to trail Ahsoka through the galaxy on her quest to bring her friend home.”

Ahsoka was one of the standouts in the season 2 of The Mandalorian, which featured that little green testicle with big ears everybody wants to fondle.

Can’t We All Just Get A Kong? Leprechaun Heck, Vampire Strippers

In biblical terms, King Kong is more popular than Zeus. And while Zeus may be the Olympian god of the sky and thunder, his marketable appeal is confined to Greek mythology and a couple of movies, whereas King Kong is a global deity, worshiped in every country on the planet, even the stinky ones. Need proof? Just look at all visual interpretations of Kong from various continents…particularly the stinky ones.

Prague. Japan. Yugoslavia (see “stink countries”). Turkey. Spain. There is no place on Earth where Kong is not king. And images of our simian savior can fetch prices from as little as $15 in fun coupons/Benjamins/cabbage/smack smacks, all the way up to $1,000 pocket pals/doubloons/gwop/sawbucks for lovingly restored vintage prints.

So while we all go look under couch cushions and long abandoned fanny packs for loose cheddar/clams/lucre/quid to buy bootleg prints of King Kong on Etsy™, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not cost a lot of pesos/moolah/Lincolns/frog skins to rent…

JOVI & LOU / Out now (Amazon Prime Video™), May 2023 (Tubi™)

An irreverent and sometimes offensive dark comedy in a world where Jovi (God) and Lou (Satan) negotiate the fate of all humanity, one game piece at a time. After his wife Mary sinks into a coma after a car wreck, Joey strikes a bargain with the sinister Lou to save her. His quest for her salvation leads him behind the scenes to the realm of the immortals, where humans are merely pawns in Jovi and Lou’s games.

God’s first name is Jovi and Satan’s first name is Lou? Given their career choices, you’d think they could come up with something more appealing, like Self-Righteous Shelly and Malevolent Mark.

SEVEN ANGELS / May 19, 2023 (VOD)

“Seven Angels, a famous girl band from Indonesia, consisting of Stella, Carla, Dian, Anggun, Amy, Tari and Mika go on vacation to Melbourne, Australia where they socialize with a local singer named Mark. Mark takes the girls of Seven Angels to Aradale Lunatic Asylum, a former haunted asylum with a dark and horrific history.”

You’re a dude with seven chicks and you take ’em to a haunted asylum? Were you born in a monastery?

THE WATCHERS / JUNE 24, 2024 (THEATERS)

“Mina, a 28-year old artist gets stranded in an expansive, untouched forest in western Ireland. When Mina finds shelter, she unknowingly becomes trapped alongside three strangers that are watched and stalked by mysterious creatures each night.”

Leprechauns. And no amount of Lucky Charms™ will save you from them.

SAMMY SLICK: VAMPIRE SLAYER Relese pending crowdfunding, 2023 (VOD)

“In the dark and seedy streets of Ybor City, FL, Vampire Investigator Sammy Slick vows to rid the city of its blood sucking inhabitants once and for all. After a dancer from Foxy’s Strip Club comes to him with her suspicions that the club’s new owner is luring men in as potential prey, Sammy and his trusty sidekick Ash set out to prove her right and bring down the vampiress. Along the way they are met with obstacles, vampiric adversaries, and vampire strippers.”

Vampire strippers. Just don’t tip ‘em with bulbs of garlic. That’ll get you thrown out of the club.

Dog Thing, The Birth of Evil, Frankenbrother

One of the most f’d up scenes in horror sci-fi movie history happened in 1982’s John Carpenter’s The Thing, when an alien organism, discovered by a Norwegian research base in Antarctica, infects a sled dog. The doomed doggy is rescued by American researchers and they put the fuzzy mutt in the pen with the others pups. It’s here where the alien life-form turns the dog inside out as it tries to mimic its host. The infamous result was super sick, mega gory, and set the bar high for extraterrestrial relations with humans. And now you can relive that scene with NECA’s™ release of The Thing – Dog Creature Ultimate Deluxe 7″ Scale Action Figure. Ickiness just got more fun.

From NECA’s™ press release: “From ordinary dog to morphing monstrosity, this fully articulated deluxe figure includes more than 25 interchangeable pieces to customize your Dog Creature for maximum horror. It comes in collector-friendly five-panel packaging with opening front flap. The action figure sells for $59.99 (preorder it here) and is expected to ship in September of 2023.”

So while you decide if you’re a dog lover and won’t touch this…THING…with a 10-foot Milk-Bone™, or a fan of all things horror regardless of how revolting it is, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not belong buried in Antarctic snow…

EXORCISM IN UTERO / May 23, 2023 (VOD)

“Herma Frigg, a pregnant woman running from a bad relationship, becomes possessed when she puts on a magical ring she discovers in the basement of the house where she is house sitting. Haunted by stranger dreams, she sleepwalks next door to visit Peter O’Neill, the pre-teen horror movie buff living next door. As Herma’s body transforms and her mind deteriorates and Peter deals with family drama, these visits lead to an unusual bond between the two. But can Peter find a way to help Herma find a way out of her predicament and save her unborn baby?”

So that’s where I left that ring…

THE ANGRY BLACK GIRL AND HER MONSTER / June 9, 2023 (VOD)

Vicaria is a brilliant teenager who believes death is a disease that can be cured. After the brutal and sudden murder of her brother, she embarks on a dangerous journey to bring him back to life.

Yeah, death is a disease that can be cured — but the doctor bill will kill you.

THE MONSTER MASH / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“The Monster Mash features three gruesome mini-horror films: ‘Whispering Hollow Road,’ a dark, shadowy noir with a monstrous twist; ‘The House,’ a modern Gothic tale of lycanthropy; and ‘Homebound Horror,’ a grimy grind house tale of otherworldly revenge.”

If Slayer, whose songs sound like the above, did the soundtrack, this could be retitled The Monster Mosh. Okay, not quite comedy gold, there. More like comedy copper.

DOCTOR JEKYLL / Release pending (2023)

“Dr. Nina Jekyll is a recluse who finds friendship with her newly hired help, Rob. They must work together to prevent Hyde from destroying her life.”

I say let your freak flag fly. My dual personality usually comes out on Tequila Tuesdays at the Tug Tavern. That guy can be a real dick.

Ghost Vacuum Cleaner, Satan Recruit, Haunted Breadsticks

Ghostbusters fans have been making their own version of the Proton Pack machine, a sort of vacuum cleaner that sucks up ghosts for recycling, for decades. The enduring popularity of the Proton Pack even got its popularity boosted through the roof when those lawbreaking kids on Stranger Things were shown their own homemade versions to go with their Ghostbusters Halloween costumes. For those of us without engineering skills can now rejoice — Spirit Halloween™ is selling life-size Proton Packs for a not unreasonable $249.99. (They warn that this item is considered oversized and will require an additional shipping fee. Shipping promos are valid, but oversize charge will still apply. This means they’ll find a way to jack the price to wallet busting levels.)

The Ghostbusters Proton Pack comes with embroidered patches and replicas of the oversized black rubber gloves that look suspiciously like the ones my proctologist, Dr. “Big Finger” Linderman, busts my ghosts with. Other non-invasive details: The life-size replica measures 26” high, 15” wide, and 10” deep. The Proton Pack features lights and sounds, three activation modes (power up, power down, and shoot), detachable particle thrower, and adjustable straps. Wear it during weddings, birthdays and non-denominational holidays, but don’t wear it into a bank, or you’ll end up a ghost yourself.

So while we jump on over to Spirit Halloween™ to order one (click this), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/tv series that may or may not feel like being violated by an oversized rubber glove…

SATAN WANTS YOU / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Satan Wants You tells the untold story of how the Satanic Panic of the 1980s was ignited by Michelle Remembers, a lurid memoir by psychiatrist Larry Pazder and his patient Michelle Smith. Supported by the Catholic™ church, the best-selling book relied on recovered-memory therapy to uncover Michelle’s childhood abduction by baby-stealing satanists. Amplified by law enforcement and America’s daytime TV boom, satanic rumors spread through panic-stricken communities across the world, leaving a wave of destruction and wrongful convictions in their wake. This film digs deep into the roots of moral panics and cult conspiracies, showing how these events still affect and distort our reality today.”

Satan doesn’t want me. Satan hates me, I just know it.

A HAUNTING IN VENICE / September 15, 2023 (Theaters) 

“Now retired and living in self-imposed exile in the world’s most glamorous city, celebrated sleuth, Hercule Poirot reluctantly attends a séance at a decaying, haunted palazzo. When one of the guests is murdered, the detective is thrust into a sinister world of shadows and secrets.”

I thought a palazzo was an entree at Osteria Francescana™. Wonder if it comes with endless bread sticks like they do at Olive Garden™.

SAW X / October 27, 2023 (Theaters)

“A prequel that focuses on Tobin Bell’s character as Jigsaw.”

Thought they already did that, so this is all so…puzzling. Heh.

TWISTED METAL / Release pending 2023 (Peacock™)

“A motor-mouthed outsider is offered a chance at a better life, but only if he can successfully deliver a mysterious package across a post-apocalyptic wasteland.”

The comedy sci-fi series is based on a 1995 video game of the same name. I never played video games as I was too busy playing happily in my own post-apocalyptic wasteland: dive bars.

Monster Mercenary, Boogey Girl, Man of the Moth

The Witcher, a Netflix™ made-for TV adaptation of the book series by Polish writer Andrzej Sapkowski (that’s a really hard name to spell correctly on the first try), premiered December 20, 2019 and became a raging global success. It starred Superman as Geralt of Rivia, a medieval mutated monster-hunter for hire, and prominently featured a lot of sex and naked stuff, violencings, bloodenings, carnage asada and overall wholesome good times. Now we’re getting a third season (eight episodes) this summer, which I believe is sometime this year. I’ll double check.

Here’s the official word from Netflix™ as to what we’re promised for season 3: “As monarchs, mages, and beasts of the Continent compete to capture her, Geralt takes Ciri of Cintra into hiding, determined to protect his newly-reunited family against those who threaten to destroy it. Entrusted with Ciri’s magical training, Yennefer leads them to the protected fortress of Aretuza, where she hopes to discover more about the girl’s untapped powers; instead, they discover they’ve landed in a battlefield of political corruption, dark magic, and treachery. They must fight back, put everything on the line — or risk losing each other forever.”

I hope The Witcher season 3 keeps its foot on the nudity gas pedal, which I feel is important to the overall story arc. Other than that, looking forward to more die-kill-bleed monsters and swords gently removing heads from bodies. So while we all wait for its premier, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not feature political corruption, dark magic, treachery…and nudity…

COUNTRY OF HOTELS / May 26, 2023 (VOD)

“Desperate souls pass through the doors of 508, a room on the fifth floor of an anonymous, decaying hotel. They are taken on a surreal and blackly comic journey down its lonely corridors and behind its outdated furnishings and stained surfaces. The story plunges us into the ever-turning carousel of haunted lives who check in and out of this sinister establishment.”

Decaying rooms…outdated furnishings…stained surfaces. Did someone film a movie in my apartment whilst I was out enjoying multiple refreshing adult beverages?

BAD GIRL BOOGEY / July 4, 2023 (VOD)

“Angel’s mother was brutally murdered one Halloween night, when blood was shed by a deranged killer wearing a parasitic mask cursed with black magic and bigotry. Sixteen years later, when Angel’s best friend is slaughtered by a killer with the same mask, she must overcome her personal struggles, fight her fear, and find the masked killer before he — or it — slaughters everyone she holds dear.”

What the hell is a parasitic mask? Haven’t anyone heard of disinfectants? I get the black magic curse, but bigotry? Given how most people in this world are bigots, that seems pretty redundant.

WRONG REASONS / August 15, 2023 (VOD, DVD)

“An ambiguously intentioned masked man kidnaps a drug addicted punk rock singer and triggers a police investigation headed by Detective Charles Dobsonas well as a media circus.”

Punk rockers do drugs? I thought they could barely afford soap, let alone pricey non-prescription opiates.

PROJECT MOTHMAN / Pending crowdfunding 2023 (VOD)

No plot yet, but I’m theorizing it’ll have some sort of moth-like man, or man-like moth. Pretty sure I just landed on it.

Hellish Accommodations, Accidental UFOs, Ghost With Three Names

Hotel Hell is an AI-generated travelers lodging and, if it were real, could very well usurp Hilton’s Curio Collection™ as THE place to stay while visiting downtown Portland, OR or Purgatory (same thing). As iHorror.com™ perfectly sums it up, “With its spacious Satanic-themed lobby and Baphomet bedrooms, this hotel seems as if it were designed to accommodate the demons in all of us.” Wonder if the hotel offers free Necronomicon bibles (preferably first edition) in their nightstands?

Digitally designed by Ink Poisoning™ Apparel (who have a line of must-have evil clothing — follow ‘em on Instagram™), they describe it thusly: “We offer the worst accommodations imaginable, from cramped rooms, broken furniture, and an over heated pool. At Hotel Hell, the wicked are subjected to eternal suffering and torment. They are punished for their sins and denied any chance of redemption or escape. They are tortured and tormented in a variety of ways, from physical pain to psychological anguish. They are also denied any chance of rest or respite, as they are doomed to suffer for all eternity. So come and experience the ultimate in misery and despair at Hotel Hell!”

This place needs to be crowd-funded right now. So while we all drain the tens of dollars from our life savings to make it happen, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/documentaries that may or may not be as nightmarish as Hilton’s Curio Collection™… 

ACCIDENTAL TRUTH — UFO REVELATIONS / Out now (VOD)

“The truth can no longer be contained by those duty-bound to hide it. Officials who interact with the public regarding the UFO question openly acknowledge that they know things that they can’t reveal. In Accidental Truth — UFO Revelations, the reality of an advanced intelligence engaging with humanity becomes undeniably clear.”

This always cracks me up —“advanced intelligence engaging with humanity.” This is like saying extraterrestrials think we’re a bunch of Netscape 3 level dumbasses. Okay they’re not wrong. But geez, there’s no need to rub it in our Netscaped faces.

INSIDIOUS: THE RED DOOR / July 7, 2023 (Theaters)

“A direct sequel to the first two movies, the story is set 10 years after the end of Insidious 2, where Josh Lambert heads east to drop off his son Dalton at an idyllic, ivy-covered university. However, Dalton’s college dream becomes a nightmare when the repressed demons of his past suddenly return to haunt them both.”

So this is the third title treatment given to an otherwise “meh” ghost’d franchise, the first two being Insidious: The Dark Realm and Insidious: Fear of the Dark, all of which suck in a sucky sort of way. P.S. I posted about this on December 2, 2022. The seas were rough that day and I had long since forgotten where I left my pants…

CRATER / May 12, 2023 (Disney+™)

“After the death of his father, a boy growing up on a lunar mining colony takes a trip to explore a legendary crater, along with his four best friends, prior to being permanently relocated to another planet.”

Ugh. Teen sci-fi. Still, it begs the question: why do meteors always seem to land in craters? I probably used that joke here before. Hey, if it ain’t broke…

NIGHT EXPLORERS: THE ASYLUM / Release pending 2023/2024

“When a group of urban explorers get the chance of a lifetime to explore one of the world’s most haunted asylums, they encounter something truly evil, that will not let them leave and will push them to the edge of sanity.”

I Goggle’d™ “world’s most haunted asylum” and it came up, “The Trans-Allegheny Lunatic Asylum in Weston, WV is widely regarded as one of the world’s most haunted places. It was built in the 1800s during the Civil War and contains a lot of secrets from that time until its closing in 1994.” And here all this time I thought it was the Tug Tavern. Now I’m super confused. Again.

6 Inches of Terror, Digital Death, Jackie The Ripper

NECA™, maker of fine horror toys, has three must-have figures coming out in August of 2023. Using an abacus (calculator that doesn’t need batteries or plugged in), I determined that to be a little less than six months from the date of this posting. (I’ll have to get back to you on today’s date — I think I broke my abacus while calculating last month’s bar tab.) NECA™, who previously brought us fun figurines like Elvira, Herbert West (Re-Animator), The Miner (My Bloody Valentine), Freddy Krueger (The Brady Bunch), Universal Monsters and measurable tons more, is adding Vampira, Svengoolie and Captain Spaulding to their vast inventory.

According to NECA’s™ addictive website: “Bring the fun of Saturday morning cartoons to your horror collection with the adorable little creeps of Toony Terrors, NECA’s™ line of stylized horror icons! Standing approximately 6” tall, the Series 8 action figure assortment includes Captain Spaulding (House of 1000 Corpses) with alternate head, Vampira with skull, and Svengoolie. Each figure comes in blister card packaging with a bonus cutout backdrop.” (Preorder here).

While we chuck once-cherished family heirlooms cluttering up valuable shelf space to make room for these under $20 figures, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not have been made with a budget determined by a working abacus… 

GHOST WEBCAM / Available now (Tubi™)

“While under house arrest, Nate goes on a virtual date with a woman who appears to get murdered on camera. He needs to find out if it’s real or a hoax.”

Virtual dating seems so 2022. There are pros and cons, though, the best part being is when you get a data date to show you her binarys and you put your hardware into her software. Click and a promise.

THE GHOST WITHIN / March 17, 2023 (VOD)

“Margot revisits her family home, desperate to uncover who killed her sister Evie 20 years earlier. As she gets closer to the truth, Margot finds herself facing her deepest fears in the house that’s still haunted by Evie’s ghost.”

She died 20 years earlier and now you’re desperate to solve your sister’s murder? Sounds more like, “I’ll get around to it eventually, sis.”  

SLASHER: RIPPER / April 6, 2023 (Shudder™, AMC+™)

“Basil Garvey, a charismatic tycoon whose success is only rivaled by his ruthlessness, oversees a city on the cusp of a new century and a social upheaval that will see its streets run red with blood. There’s a killer stalking the mean streets, but instead of targeting the poor and downtrodden like Jack the Ripper, The Widow is meting out justice against the rich and powerful. The only person standing in the way of this killer is the newly promoted detective, Kenneth Rijkers, whose ironclad belief in justice may wind up being yet another victim of The Widow.”

Kinda like the bloodletting version of Robin Hood (1950). If The Widow is only going after the rich and powerful, I can safely leave my doors unlocked.

BROOKLYN 45 / Release pending 2023 (Shudder™)

“Friday, December 27, 1945. Five military veterans gather in the ornate parlour of a Brooklyn brownstone. Best friends since childhood, they’ve reunited to support their troubled host. But when his invitation for cocktails turns into an impromptu séance, the metaphoric ghosts of their past become all-too-literal. Trapped in their host’s lounge, the Greatest Generation now finds themselves put to one final test, with their only route to freedom being more bloodshed.”

Soldiers vs. Specters. Army vs. Apparitions. Platoon vs. Poltergeists. Brigade vs. Banshees. I could do this for another three minutes.

Ghostly Real Estate, Neck Bombs, Diabolical French Turtle

If you’re a fan of haunted houses, real estate and stand-up comedy, you can scratch all those itches by attending the one-man show/book signing of Grady Hendrix: How To Sell A Haunted House In A Challenging Market, which takes place April 26, 2023, 7PM at SPACE 538 in Portland, ME. (That’s walking distance to The Holy Donut — home of the handmade Maine potato donut.)

From event organizer Space538.org’s press release: “From Pliny the Younger to the Amityville Horror, we’ve been convinced there’s something undead living inside our homes rent-free for thousands of years. New York Times bestselling author Grady Hendrix, presents another of his one-of-a-kind, one-man shows, tap-dancing through the haunted hallways of houses from Downton Abbey-sized country homes to split-level suburban ranchers as we try to figure out why we’re so obsessed with the world’s worst roommates — ghosts. This is the seminar that will change your life…guaranteed. Live multimedia event followed by a book signing.”

Tickets (click here) are only $7.00, so while we plan on spending hundreds of dollars to get there to score that bargain, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as delicious as The Holy D’s top seller: a bacon and pancake breakfast in donut form…

HACKSAW / Out now (VOD)

“A young couple on a road trip takes a detour to the site where a notorious murderer, Ed “Hacksaw” Crowe, became an urban legend on the day he was killed many years before. But they quickly find the legend may not be quite as dead as they were counting on.”

Time spent coming up with this plot — seven seconds. The ONLY thing that can save this tediously generic flushable is having WWE’s™ “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan in the title role.

ABRUPTIO / March 1—12, 2023 (Cinejoy Theatre)

“Les Hackel hates his life. He works a dead-end job, was just dumped by his high-maintenance girlfriend, and still lives with his nagging mom. One night, he discovers a fresh incision behind his neck. His friend Danny tells him it’s a bomb, that someone has implanted one in his neck, too. And then the messages start coming in, forcing Les to carry out missions with deadly results. Les is partnered up with a series of oddball characters to commit heinous tasks. The violence escalating around him, Les pieces together the clues that reveal the horrific plans to breed a monstrous race of beings.”

Before you get too ramped up for this, know that this is life-sized puppet horror and is described as “Comedy, mystery, blood, A-List voices, action, and puppets combine in the first-of-its-kind surrealistic horror/thriller.” Yep, I just ruined your day. 

FOLLOWERS / March 24, 2023 (VOD)

What starts as hilariously bad YouTube™ videos develops into a warning to the world about a shocking new strain of supernatural serial killer. Jonty, a failing influencer with an ambition to reach over a million followers, will stop at nothing to become famous. A new start at university brings with it hopes of a resurgence in his popularity when a demonic presence appears in his student house. Jonty decides to stream his and his housemates’ experiences with this supernatural entity to gain the fame and fortune he’s most been craving. But at what cost?

If you’re a failing influencer stopping at nothing to become famous, just let the supernatural serial killer do its job. We totally heart you supernatural serial killer. 

SMOKING CAUSES COUGHING / March 31, 2023 (Theaters, VOD)

“After a devastating battle against a diabolical giant turtle, the Tobacco Force is sent on a mandatory week-long retreat to strengthen their decaying group cohesion. Their sojourn goes wonderfully well until Lézardin, Emperor of Evil, decides to annihilate planet Earth.”

A weirdo movie made in France. Other weirdo French stuff — Brioche (expensive bread), Éclairs (expensive donut) and Mousse au chocolat (expensive chocolate pudding made with essence of rodeo moose).

SoCal Vampires, Extra-Large Spiders, Trick or Treating Monsters

The Lost Boys remains a horror cult classic horror 36 years after its release in 1987. (Thank you, always dependable pocket calculator.) The plot: “After moving to Santa Carla (aka, Santa Cruz), a new town, two brothers discover that the area is a haven for vampires.” They forgot a few things. The Lost Boys featured heavy metal punk rock vampires, splatter that matters, unlicensed motorcycles, a boardwalk carnival with rotten candy, and a rock and/or roll soundtrack, which featured INXS, Roger Daltry and Echo And The Bunnymen. (What, no Bobby “Boris” Pickett redoing his 1962 hit song “Monster Mash” with freshened beats?)

Now you can visit The Lost Boys filming location in Santa Cruz, CA on September 8, 2023. From event organizer On Set Cinema’s press release: “Who’s ready to sleep all day, party all night, never grow old and never die? On-Set Cinema will be hosting very special blood-sucking screening of one of the most beloved horror cult classics of all time inside Cocoanut Grove, which is located on the infamous Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk where a ton of the movie takes place.”

And there’s more: “On-Set Cinema will take you on a filming locations walking tour to show fans where everything was filmed on the boardwalk, including the National Historic Looff Carousel where we’re first introduced to The Lost Boys; Max’s Video Store, where Michael and Star hangout; where the boys ride their motorcycles on the beach; the iconic Giant Dipper roller coaster, and more!” Tickets for this event cost $25.00 (for the movie’s screening and an event t-shirt) and $60.00, which includes all that walking tour stuff detailed above. Get tickets here.

While we go to vampfangs.com to get some stylin’ party teeth for this shindig, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be made better by Bobby “Boris” Pickett singing in ‘em…

STING / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“One cold, stormy night in New York City, a mysterious object falls from the sky and smashes through the window of a rundown apartment building. It is an egg — and from it emerges a strange little spider. The creature is discovered by Charlotte, a rebellious 12-year-old girl obsessed with comic books. Keeping it as a secret pet, she names it Sting. As Charlotte’s fascination with Sting increases, so does its size. Growing at a monstrous rate, Sting’s appetite for blood becomes insatiable. Neighbors’ pets start to go missing, and then the neighbors themselves. Soon Charlotte’s family and the eccentric characters of the building realize that they are all trapped, hunted by a ravenous supersized arachnid with a taste for human flesh…and Charlotte is the only one who knows how to stop it.”

“Sting” is what you would name a bee or a pretentious British teabag rock star, not an arachnid. For a spider, how about, “Legs A. Plentee” or “Joe Bite’n”? It’s like horror move directors don’t even try anymore.

PERPETRATOR / Release pending 2023 (Shudder™)

“Jonny Baptiste is a reckless teen sent to live with her estranged Aunt Hildie. On her 18th birthday, she experiences a radical metamorphosis: a family spell called Forevering redefines her. When several teen girls go missing at her new school, a mythically feral Jonny goes after the Perpetrator.”

The term “Happy Hour” — with roots originating in the 13th Century — has been a Multiverseral tavern/cocktail lounge/7-Eleven™ parking lot reference every since. Time for an upgrade. I vote “Happy Hour” be changed to “The Forevering.” Has way more zing.

THE BARN PART II / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Three years have passed since Michelle escaped the events in Wheary Falls. However, she is still haunted by what happened that night on Halloween. Now in college, Michelle is in charge of the Gamma Tau Psi haunted house. Unfortunately, some uninvited trick-or-treating from her past is knocking on the door — and this time they’ve brought their friends.”

Monsters dressed as monsters on Halloween. Is that even legal?

MALUM / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A rookie police officer willingly takes the final shift at a newly decommissioned police station. She hopes to uncover the mysterious connection between her father’s death and a vicious cult, but throughout the night she’s thwarted by terrifying supernatural events that connect to her family’s twisted past.”

A note-for-note remake of 2014’s Last Shift, but with more notes added.

Bleeding Hearts, Alien Seafood, Apocalyptic Hangover

My Bloody Valentine, a horror (duh) movie about a vengeful maniac in mining gear who goes on a killing spree with a pickaxe, came out in 1981. An even gorier sequel came out in 2009 — in 3D no less — and featured an extended 360 degree viewable nude scene, which I felt was integral to the plot.

Artist Gary Pullen (aka, Ghoulish Gary) has designed a freaking cool MBV limited edition poster to celebrate Valentine’s Day with the vengeful maniac in mining gear. (I see what he did there — pretty clever.) Here are the details: 18” x 24” screen-print, features metallic inks, signed edition of 100 — $40.00. Warning: These are almost sold out. Get yours here before your hopes and dreams are shattered with pickaxe.

While the rest of us dust off our 3D glasses and re-watch My Bloody Valentine 3D (did I mention it has an extended 360 degree viewable nude scene?), here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as date night-able as My Bloody Valentine… 

MONSTER OF THE DEEP / Out now (Youku™)

“Monster of the Deep is creature feature monster movie about an alien creature that looks like an octopus.”

The original title for this Chinese sci-fi horror flick is Deep Sea Big Fish. A rose by any other name.

NECROMANIACS / Out now (Goredrome™/ TetroVideo™)

“Dario and Maria are a young couple who share a mutual fascination for the dead and the macabre and nothing can stop them. The couple’s dreams will finally come true when he decides to make a special gift to his girlfriend.”

I bet it’s a handmade card with sparkly hearts indicating Dario’s love for his gal. That is so heartwarming.

THE CREEPING / March 3, 2023 (VOD)

“Due to a traumatic childhood experience Anna hasn’t returned home for many years. With her ailing grandmother suffering with worsening symptoms of dementia, Anna moves home to look after her. Soon after, strange things begin happening. Though benign at first, events soon escalate into a nightmarish fight for life against a malevolent presence. She discovers the ordeal is linked to a dark family secret, a tragic past that’s haunted Anna her whole life — and her grandmother’s fading memories could be the key to solving the mystery and surviving the nightmare.”

Trauma…dementia…dark family secrets…tragic past… Yeesh, this family is so f’d up, it could scare malevolent presence away.

SKAL — FIGHT FOR SURVIVAL / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“My name’s Arthur, a huge Internet star who’s just hit three million subs. While in the midst of throwing an epic party to celebrate, the universe had the balls to bring on the effing apocalypse and cut my night short. What was supposed to be a perfect hangover, has turned into an epic fight for survival.”

They had me at perfect hangover.