Archive for YouTube

Social Media Demons, Slashing Santas, Shower Power

Posted in Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, Scream Queens, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 12, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Ash Vs. Evil Dead

New teaser art for the upcoming season three of Ash vs. Evil Dead, one of the fun/funniest/goriest shows on the ‘ol  Magnavox™. The 10-episode season launches on Sunday, February 25, 2018 at 9PM ET/PT on Starz™. Sunday’s are usually my night to stay in and wash my hair. But I can out it off for a week to see Ash buzz through demons with his chainsaw arm.

Ash Vs. Evil Dead

From the press release: “Ash vs Evil Dead Season 3 finds Ash’s status in Elk Grove, Michigan has changed from murderous urban legend to humanity-saving hometown hero. When Kelly witnesses a televised massacre with Ruby’s fingerprints all over it, she returns with a new friend to warn Ash and Pablo that evil isn’t done with them yet. Blood is thicker than water in the battle of good vs Evil Dead!”

While we impatiently wait five more months, here are a few just released/upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that may or may not lube your chainsaw, metaphorical or otherwise…

BnB Hell

BnB HELL (available now)
“A young woman’s hunt for her missing sister ends at a rundown bed and breakfast in the Hollywood Hills run by an ill-tempered woman called Mommy. Disturbing messages left by former guests suggest unsettling secrets lay buried there.”

Was only a matter of time before the BnB craze became the framework for horror. Already done using the Uber™/Lyft™ model with Ryde (2017): “Technology brings us closer. Or perhaps it brings strangers a little too close. But how much can you really trust someone? With a new ride share service, you never know who you’ll be getting in a car with. Or if you’ll ever get out.” Not a good way to get tips or a clickable star rating. Still, better than the city bus and/or taxis.

Devil's Night

DEVIL’S NIGHT (available now/VOD)
“Daniel, a charismatic teen from a broken home, wants nothing more than to get out of the trailer park. After scraping together just enough money to buy a video camera, he begins making YouTube™ videos in the hope that his antics will lead him to a better life. But when his videos fail to catch on and all his friends leave for college, Daniel’s left all alone. Undeterred, he discovers an old documentary about a serial killer who brutally murdered seven people in a satanic sacrifice not too far from his hometown. Thinking this might be his last chance for success, he decides to film a video in the killer’s house, only to summon an evil worse than anything he could have possibly imagined.”

Good idea — go into a killer’s house of evil with a camera. There’s a reason demons don’t take selfies. And since when are dumbass antics broadcast on social media a career path? Teens be dumb.

78/52

78/52 (October 13, 207)
“An unprecedented look at the iconic shower scene in Alfred Hitchcock’s Psycho (1960), the ‘man behind the curtain,’ and the screen murder that profoundly changed the course of world cinema.”

They’re correct — that one scene, which even has college courses dedicated to it, all but defined modern horror movies, scream queensslashers and screechy violin music. I once had a Psycho shower scene shirt — it read: “Wash all of life’s problems down the drain.” That’s not just funny, but LOL funny.

Apocalypse Cult

APOCALYPSE CULT (October, 2017/VOD/DVD)
“While investigating the legend of a mysterious group of people living in the forest, a local news crew comes across an all-too-real doomsday cult. Trapped in their grasp, the news crew must find a way to escape before they execute their final act of devotion.”

This one actually came out in Australia, home of giant bouncing rabbits, back in 2014. Don’t know why it took so long to get here in the States. Maybe the Land Down Under was dealing with their plague of kid-eating dingos and mosh pit razorbacks. That’s a  good excuse as any. Note to self: plan vacation to Australia and taunt nature after drinking multiple cans of XXXX Gold 12.4% beer.

Once Upon A Time At Christmas

ONCE UPON A TIME AT CHRISTMAS (December 12, 2017/DVD)
“Meet Santa and Mrs. Claus: he’s a one-eyed fiend, she’s a curvy, bat-swinging blonde. This serial killer couple is terrorizing the holidays in an upstate New York town with a series of horrific homicides. Though the victims seem random — a mall Santa, a smooching couple, an innocent family — high-schooler Jennifer and clever cop Sam begin to unravel the sinister pattern behind the slayings. Can they stop the murders before Christmas comes — and there’s no one left to celebrate?”

Diggin’ the twist: Santa and his dame are serial killers. But I have a few questions: like how many gangsta elves are in their employ? Does this mean their getaway car is a reindeer-fueled sled? Are candy canes used as stabby tools of the trade? Can’t wait for Christmas.

Large And In Charge Halloween, Family Devils, Dancing Werewolves

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 5, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Torrid.com

Torrid.com, a fashion site specializing in clothing for plus-sized women, just came out with this season’s Halloween costume line. In your face, stupid body shamers!

Ladies, in any size/shape, are all Wonder Women — and Torrid even has the WW costume to back that up. You can also get cool Halloween-wear like Maleficent (complete with those sweet curvy horns), Spider-Girl (it’ll make the fellas web their pants), Voodoo Doll (guys — if you see a gal wearing this, you may start feeling a small prick), and the fashionable-year-’round Bat costume.

Torrid.comSo the next time you wanna make disparaging remarks about a woman’s looks and/or size, remember the irony — people who do this have fat heads.

Here are a few now available/upcoming horror/science fiction movies to give you something better to do…

Don't Let The Devil In

DON’T LET THE DEVIL IN (available now)
“After being relocated from the city to a small Appalachian town in order to oversea the development of a casino, Land Developer John Harris and his wife, previously warned there would be resentment within the community, soon find themselves entangled within a tapestry of pure evil that lurks within.”

Tapestry of pure evil. How can you resist a line like that? It’s right up there with “drapery of doom” and “a carpet of carnage.” Kinda makes me wanna give my apartment a makeover.

Bunnyman Vengeance

BUNNYMAN VENGEANCE (October 20, 2017/VOD)
“The man known as Bunnyman returns home to find his family running a haunted house attraction. The family welcomes him home, but soon realizes you cannot domesticate a wild animal. Death and mayhem ensue as the family turn on one another to fulfill their bloodlust.”

The third in a trilogy of a serial killer wearing a dirty Easter bunny costume. Didn’t think they had two more in ’em after the first one. But hey, when is a slasher in a kill-stained bunny outfit not entertaining?

Dances With Werewolves

DANCES WITH WEREWOLVES (October 31, 2017/VOD)
“Cassie flees an abusive relationship and falls victim to a moon-worshiping 600 year old Romanian Countess. A troubled paranormal investigator of Native American heritage finds himself in a deadly love triangle with a battered-woman werewolf.”

This title sure gets around: movies, books/adult fiction memoirs, paranormal crime paperbacks, animated cartoons, YouTube™ videos of werewolves dancing to The Bee Gees’ “Stayin’ Alive” mega disco hit… There’s even funny fake movie posters online riffing on Kevin Costner’s Dancing With Wolves 1990 movie. (He’s kinda convincing as a hunter of man-beasts.) But this one features Phantasm/horror icon Angus Scrimm in his last role before passing away in 2016 at the age of 89. You’re never too old to dance/do battle with werewolves.

Itsy Bitsy

ISTY BITSY (2018)
Kara moves from New York to the quiet countryside with her two children for a job opportunity she can’t afford to turn down. The family moves into their humble new guesthouse. Kara begins her work as a private nurse to Walter, a man stricken with multiple sclerosis and an appraiser of rare antiquities with a secretive past. Doom precedes them. Akiba, a shady international associate of Walter’s, brings with him a mysterious relic of ancient origin. All too quickly they discover the relic contains more than just legends. Inside, waits a terrifying creature born of ancient darkness and pure instinct…a prehistoric cave spider unlike the modern world has ever seen.”

Spiders existed in prehistoric times? Stink beetles, sure. But eight-legged bugs? Sounds so made up. (This is what happens when you watch too many horror movies and your brain turns into oatmeal.) I hope the cave spider looks like/grows to the size of a dinosaur. I think dinosaurs may have existed in prehistoric times. Gonna have to click on something to verify. But not right now. For some reason I’m craving a bowl of oatmeal.

Fingernail Monsters, Rubber Killers, Haunted Pancakes

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 23, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Georgetown Morgue

Lots of towns across the classroom map have annual charity haunted house events during the Halloween cash-in season. But Seattle, where I stash my empties, has a haunted morgue. Specifically, the Georgetown Morgue, a once refrigerated storage place to prep and primp corpses, in thriving business from 1928 to 1983. It’s since been turned into an extremely popular (and expensive) haunted house attraction every late September/early November.

What else makes this place so legendary cool is that it’s right next door to Hudson, a tiny breakfast/lunch/dinner/drinketeria, that’s so popular for its legendary pancakes (thicker than the plates they’re served on), if you don’t get there early, you’ll end up waiting in a line that stretches right to the Georgetown Morgue. The irony being that if you eat enough of those highly addictive chunky monkey pancakes, you’ll eventually end up in the morgue. (Blame the whole sticks of butter and overflowing quarts of syrup that come with each meal.)

Hudson

The 2017 Georgetown Morgue Halloween schedule starts September 22 and runs through November 4. Standard nights will set you back a spooky $33.00 (Sunday through Thursday) and an adjusted value of $43.00 for prime Fridays and Saturdays — and that’s the VIP speedy line. (FYI: this will get you nine pancakes at Hudson — tip extra.)

While you wait in line to get in both the Georgetown Morgue and Hudson, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies to help keep your appetite for butter batter and syrup buckets full…

Clawed

CLAWED (available now)
“Annie, a college student travels to the rugged backwoods of Montana to the home of legendary lawman Sheriff Randell Reynolds, where she will interview him for her paranormal podcast. The ex-lawman gives her a first-hand account of the horrific events known throughout the region as the notorious Montana Bear Claw Massacre.”

This one was earlier/tentatively titled, Sludge. Gotta say, there’s something very satisfying about that word. Maybe because it can be applied to a variety of social situations/church services. So do they come up against a giant donut (Bear Claw, get it?) Doing battle with a monstrous pastry in the woods seems like it’d be pretty cool. I’m totally gonna try it.

Cult of Chucky

CULT OF CHUCKY (October 3, 2017/VOD/DVD)
Confined to an asylum for the criminally insane for the past four years, Nica Pierce is erroneously convinced that she, not Chucky, murdered her entire family. But when her psychiatrist introduces a new therapeutic “tool” to facilitate his patients’ group sessions — an all-too-familiar ‘Good Guy’ doll with an innocently smiling face — a string of grisly deaths begins to plague the asylum, and Nica starts to wonder if maybe she isn’t crazy after all.

Child's Play

Andy Barclay, Chucky’s now-grown-up nemesis from the original Child’s Play, races to Nica’s aid. But to save her he’ll have to get past Tiffany, Chucky’s long-ago bride, who will do anything, no matter how deadly or depraved, to help her beloved devil doll.”

Man, they’ve milked this cow hard. The first Child’s Play movie came out in 1988 — and now nearly 30 years and six sequels later, we’re still wondering how this happened. It’s like that joke you heard in elementary school that you keep repeating in bars/cocktail lounges as an adult. (Okay, guilty as charged. But dang, if the joke about the guy stumbling into a joke writer’s convention still kills me. If you don’t know how it goes, happy to re-tell it for the one millionth time.)

FOUND FOOTAGE 3D (October 26, 2017/Shudder)
“A group of low-budget filmmakers sets out to make ‘the first 3D found footage horror film,’ but find themselves in the first 3D found footage horror film when the evil entity from their movie escapes into their behind-the-scenes footage.”

You knew it was gonna end up this way. The karaoke of consumer-made “horror movies,” found footage has become such a painful joke, they’re gonna make you wear stupid cardboard “3D” glasses to watch their stupid concept. If the evil entity was smart, it’d not only escape the movie, but get on the next Bolt™ bus outta town.

Claws

CLAWS (2017)
Not to be confused with the 1977 nature-gone-wild horror movie or TV series that I won’t watch of the same name. That said, AMP Entertainment posted a developMENTAL trailer on YouTube™ back in April of 2014. Lost track of it since, until I recently stumbled right over it on the Internet of all places. Now it’s supposed to come out Christmas of 2017, which is like Halloween for Christians.

Claws

As the story goes a young kid, hiding behind the Christmas tree in hopes of discovering Santa’s secret identity (Saint Nick’s more of a home invasion kind of guy), watches as a “something” slaughters his family right before his peepers. Is it that super mean Krampus dude? Is it a holiday monster with some sort of “claw” instead of gift-wrapping fingers? Whatever the case, it didn’t take the cookies and milk that were left out, which means it’s more of a fresh meat fella. Have to wait a few more weeks to find out.

This Snake Takes The Cake

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 12, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Snakeman

Snakeman (aka, The Snake King) came out in 2005 on the SyFy™ Channel and starred/stars Stephen Baldwin, who always looks like he’s striking a pose in front of a mirror only he can see.

Snakeman

So I watched the Hindu dubbed version of Snakeman on YouTube™. (It was titled Anakonda vs. Kink Kong. There was no Kink Kong, but the snake did eat a kinky monkey, so there you go.) It’s so poorly overdubbed that when someone shoots at the seven-headed giant snake (located in the heart of the steamy Amazon (jungle, not the one-stop shopping place on the Internet with free delivery if you have a Prime™ account), you don’t hear the rifle blasts for a few seconds later. For some reason I found that to be quite entertaining.

Snakeman

Baldwin plays Matt Ford (had to look that up as I don’t quite grasp the nuances of Hindi linguistics), a helicopter pilot who leads a team of researchers deep into the snake-filled Amazon by way of crashing said helicopter. The group includes Dr. Susan Elters, who looks like a Canadian version of Kim Basinger. Most everybody is eventually swallowed whole by the snake, which is the size of a regular snake times one million. Again, quite entertaining.

Snakeman

So why was everybody gooning out in the jungle in the first place? Seems the Fountain of Youth might be there (it is) and everyone wants to get their unwashed hands on it. Meanwhile, warring natives (I call them “Junglonians”) throw spears and shoot arrows at everyone. Most the time they miss their target, but hey, even a broken clock is right twice a day.

Snakeman

A rival helicopter shows up and a bunch of gunners try to get the youth juice for their own science profits. This is where the best scene happens. The meanest of the para-military guys is grabbed by both legs and arms by the snake and is handily (sorry) turned into a screaming torso. The biggest snake noggin leans down and nips the head off the still screaming guy as if snacking on M&Ms, where it melts in its mouth, not in its glands.

Watch the Hindu dubbed version of Snakeman, because sometimes understanding the dialogue just isn’t that important to the plot.

Great Canadian Smoke-out, Poison Sharks, Teddy Bears

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Sharks, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 4, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Canada Smoke

For those not living in Seattle, we’ve been experiencing a heatwave combined with what is being described as having “the worst air quality than Bejing, Kolkata.” We can blame this on Canada as their wildfires, while making for some colorful, hippie sunsets, are sending their smoke across the border — without passports — and into our neighborhoods. Thanks a lot, Canada — just because your coins don’t work in our vending machines is no reason to smoke us out. (Some pranksters are using the photos of the burning haze to say it’s 4:20 in Seattle. That’s pretty funny.)

Bejing

A recent article in the Seattle Times had this to say about our horror weather: “Seattle’s air quality index was 156 on Thursday afternoon, which is considered unhealthy, according to AirNow. That’s worse than Los Angeles and several cities in China and India. Beijing’s air quality index was 80, Shanghai sat at 78, and Chongqing was ranked 65, all of which are considered moderate, according to the World Air Quality Index Project.”

I’m well prepared for this smokocalypse — I walk around with a designer scuba tank (Jaques Costeau logo on it— limited edition), so up yours World Air Quality Index Project. Speaking of being suffocated to death by a so-called friendly neighboring country, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make you choke…

Toxic Shark

TOXIC SHARK (August 4, 2017)
“A tropical singles retreat takes a terrifying turn when guests realize a poisonous shark is infesting the surrounding water. Not only will this toxic shark rip apart its victims, but it also uses projectile acid to hunt…in and out of the water!”

A shark that shoots projectile acid? Sounds like a mash-up of a great white shark and the Alien. Still, gotta like the premise. Set ‘em up, melt ‘em down. I bet the shark could turn ‘em into bowling trophies afterward.

Teddy Bears Picnic

TEDDY BEARS PICNIC (2017)
“Inspired by the 1907 melody of the same name, Teddy Bears Picnic re-envisions the childhood song as a nightmarish fable that twists the concept of childhood innocence.”

That song was written in 1907. You mean I haven’t been able to get that stupid song out of my head for 110 years? No wonder I drink daily.

Keep Watching

KEEP WATCHING (December 2017)
“When two deranged serial killers break into their home, a family has to stick together to make it out alive and unbeknown to them there are hidden cameras throughout their home documenting their every move.”

Having cameras everywhere is cheating, especially when one is need of a private, yet relaxing moment in the restroom. Only deranged serial killers would watch such footage. Probably upload it on YouTube™, too. That’s just being mean.

The Spanish Chainsaw Massacre

THE SPANISH CHAINSAW MASSACRE (release pending)
“A heavy metal band named The Metal Dicks are touring to promote their first record. While driving to their next concert location their van gets a flat tire so they have to spend the night in a small, local town. The next day the town is having a festival to celebrate their patron saints day and the mayor of the town asks The Metal Dicks to join in with the festival. The band accept the mayor’s offer unaware of the dangers that lie ahead.”

Great band name. I wish to own all their album. I have a feeling, though, they may not be around long to record a second one. Maybe take all their unfinished demos and release ‘em under the title, Bits ‘n Pieces.

Skinwalkers, Prime Time Cults, Evil Birdhouses

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers, Vampires, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 28, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Evil Dead Birdhouse

Every time I think there are no more cool things to distract me from real life, up pops a thing so cool, life itself becomes meaningless. This time it’s The Evil Dead (1981) horror cabin made into a birdhouse. Made by Reddit’s murdrfaze — and soon-to-be for sale (albeit severely limited to 10) — the birdhouses are constructed by hand and the rock chimney made from creek stones. I feel that’s pretty dang cool.

I’d probably buy one but I think all the birds in my neighborhood are already possessed by the same demons that made The Evil Dead cabin so evil. If you could see how many times I have to wash the bird crap off my car, you’d swear some giant, flying beaked monster ate a high fiber city and decided to pooptie all over my hooptie.

Speaking of things that may or may not make you wanna soil yourself (or on someone else’s car that’s not mine), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that could qualify as being quite craptacular…

The Monster Project

THE MONSTER PROJECT (August 18, 2017)/Limited/VOD)
“A group of aspiring horror filmmakers, eager to raise their YouTube™ subscriber count, post an online casting call for ‘real life’ monsters to interview for their documentary. They find three participants and choose to film them sharing their haunted experiences in a mansion in the woods on the night of a lunar eclipse. The production suddenly turns into a nightmare when the participants transform into a real skinwalker, vampire, and demon forcing the unsuspecting crew to fight for their lives.”

Cool title and premise. Wish they called me to be one of the monsters; I think I’d make for a pretty good werewolf/skinwalker, what with my long hair and penchant for ribeye steaks with a side of khakis. And no, I wouldn’t go around sniffing butts. Even as a werewolf, I’d maintain at least a few social standards.

AHS: Cult

AMERICAN HORROR STORY: CULT (September 5, 2017)
“Politics and clowns play a pivotal role in AHS: Cult.”

Clowns and politicians. Thought they were one in the same. The new art, though, suggests bees will somehow be around to create a buzz (heh) about AHS’s seventh season. I hear it’ll be an 11-episode dealie. Was not a big fan of season six (Roanoke), though I did like season 5 (Hotel). Pretty dang gory, violent and entertaining because of those two essential horror ingredients. So for season seven, keep those and just add a little…honey. (Heh.)

Leatherface

LEATHERFACE
(September 21, 2017/DirecTV/October 20, 2017Theatrical/VOD)

“Jessica Madsen plays one of four inmates who escape from a mental hospital. One of them becomes the title character and iconic slasher. The quartet kidnap a young nurse and take her on a road trip from hell. Along the way, they are pursued by an equally deranged lawman out for revenge.”

Wrote about this one back on October 25 of the year 2016 A.D.. But hey, new poster and a locked ’n loaded (finally) release date. Here’s some more info that’ll rev up you — it’s being given an R rating for “strong bloody violence, disturbing images, language and some sexuality/nudity.” I have no problem with that.

Camp Cold Brook

CAMP COLD BROOK (in production)
Camp Cold Brook centers around a horrific incident in 1993 when dozens of young campers, without warning, stand at attention, seemingly in a hypnotic trance, and proceed to attack not only each other but the staff as well with deadly intent. The survivors then bind their feet with rope tethered to large rocks and drag themselves into the nearby lake.”

“Twenty-five years later, reality TV ghost hunter Jack Wilson finds himself in a tough spot. His show, Haunted Places, is on the brink of being canceled. In a last ditch effort to spark ratings to land a final season, he and his producers, as well as their trusted cameraman, choose the legend of Camp Cold Brook to try to save their show.”

“Their arrival begins like any other episode. Cameras are placed, and the team sets up shop in the dilapidated lodge and waits. But this is not going to be a regular episode. The terror here was real, and the 30 are about to rise.”

Yes, this has been done before, so quit e-yawning. That’s MY job.

Horror Icon, Sci-Fi God, Native American Ghosts

Posted in Aliens, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 18, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Night of the Living Dead

In place of my usual incitefully snarky (ahem) blog entry intro, I’d like to express my saddened thoughts on the recent, untimely passing of legendary horror filmmaker George A. Romero, 77, who was inarguably the father of the contemporary zombie movie genre.

George, as you should know, was the man behind the timeless and rule-breaking Night of the Living Dead back in 1968. He went on to make such VHS stand-outs as The Crazies (1973), Dawn of the Dead (1978), and The Dark Half (1993), as well as more zombie legacy movies. George, you are, and will continue to be, greatly missed.

Here are a few upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that may not be missed. Or may.

God Particle

GOD PARTICLE (October 27, 2017)
“A team of astronauts aboard a space station find themselves alone after a scientific experiment involving a particle accelerator makes the Earth vanish. When a space shuttle appears, the space station crew must fight for survival following their horrible discovery.”

The Internet (or “the biggest toilet in the matrix) is claiming this is the third installment of the sorta Cloverfield series. I sure the f-word hope so, as I had more than a few questions after the sorta sequel 10 Cloverfield Lane (2016). A few, though, had been answered by some rather impressive researched clues on YouTube™ that connects Cloverfield (2009) and the second flick-o-rama, with 10 Cloverfield Lane’s Howard Stambler (played by the awesome John Goodman) being the connecting link. (Crap — and all this time I thought it was the aliens.)

Wikipedia™ has this to say about that: “The first hints God Particle was connected to the Cloverfield brand came when a piece of the viral marketing for 10 Cloverfield Lane included a sound clip that was supposedly from the International Space Station.”

Rather than use up your vision with my half-assed summation, get on YouTube™ and pull up Cloverfield; you’ll be amazed — and aghast — that someone would spend so much time digging for very deep clues/answers. The only thing I research are bar stools.

Akuma

AKUMA (2017)
Akira Tanaka, a young and attractive but emotionally damaged Japanese woman moves to the United States to escape a past marked by tragedy. She moves in with her sister Hana and her new husband Adam, hoping to leave her demons behind and start a new life. But as Akira’s behavior grows increasingly erratic and strange disturbances mark the night, Akira is forced to reveal her real reason for coming: to flee the malevolent spirit that has been tormenting her since childhood…and which appears to have followed her here.”
Mohawk

MOHAWK (2017/2018)
“After one of her tribe sets an American soldiers’ camp ablaze, a young female Mohawk finds herself pursued by a ruthless band of renegades bent on revenge. Fleeing deep into the woods, Mohawk youths Oak and Calvin confront the bloodthirsty Colonel Holt and his soldiers. As the Americans seem to close in from all sides, the trio must summon every resource — both real and supernatural — as the brutal attack escalates.”

Man, I wish I could summon supernatural resources. First, I’d have them get me a Frisko Freeze™ burger, just to clear my mind. Then, I’d have them build me an in-ground swimming pool. And once they bring me a case of Budweiser™, I’d float in my new in-ground swimming pool and drink it all and, in a hazy state, would unleash utter Heck on Earth. And have another Frisko Freeze™ burger.

The Six Billion Dollar Man

THE SIX BILLION DOLLAR MAN (2018)
Mark Wahlberg’s upcoming action adventure — The Six Billion Dollar Man — is an upgrade of the 1970s TV series The Six Million Dollar Man.”

Yeesh — that’s quite a price increase. Who do they think they are — Seattle landlords?

Some might remember the 1974 ABC series, starring Lee Majors as Col. Steve Austin, who had a near fatal car ka-BOOM and taxpayers funded his bionic arms, legs (and everything else that dangled) with hi-techery. Two things I remember from that TV show, which also spun-off The Bionic Woman in 1976. (She was rebuilt after a skydiving accident made her go splat.) First, Col. Austin always seemed to be wearing a red track suit. Unfashionable in any decade. Secondly, was that weirdly cool science-y reverb noise — sounding like a snapped bed spring — that happened every time he did something with his bionic add-ons. It’s available as a ringtone in case you want to be retro chic.