Halloween Hooch, Mexican Zombies, Blue Collar Aliens

When we were kids, trick-or-treating on Halloween was like winning the tooth-decay Lottery™. Now that we’re adults (ahem), Halloween for this “aging disgracefully” community is an opportunity for something even sweeter than free candy: refreshing AND invigorating alcohol.

To celebrate Halloween properly, here are new themed cocktails to scare the sobriety right outta you. On the Breckenridge Distillery™ website, they’ve come up with a menu of deadly delicious All Hallow’s Eve adult beverages that not only taste like Hell (in a good way), a few even have horror movie references that make ‘em worthy of a second/third/fourth round. (See the recipes HERE) 

A few drink examples: “You’ll Float, Too,” a Pennywise aperitif (yeesh, that’s a pretentious word) concocted with Breckenridge Chili Chile Vodka™, lemonade, red honey, lemon sherbet and soda. It’s an “I scream” float — heh. Then there’s the Harry Potter drink, “Deathly Hallows,” made with Breckenridge Bourbon™, vanilla bean syrup, apple cider, and cranberry juice. That’ll stiffen your wand. 

Other cool bevs include, “The Upside Down,” “Hallows & Horcruxes,” “Bedlam & Broomsticks,” and my favorite: “Don’t Fall Asleep,” a Nightmare on Elm Street cocktail. (Ironically, drinking five of these will probably make you fall asleep/pass out, at which point Freddy Krueger — or pink Freddy Kreugers — will come to f*ck up your sloshed slumber.)

While you beg your bartender to make you one of these seasonal drinkables, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not need alcohol to enjoy…

MEXZOMBIES / Out now (ViX+)

Two misfit teenagers: Cronos, a lover of classic cinema, and Tavo, an aspiring parkour expert. Along with their friends from the exclusive Sierra Linda neighborhood, they must face the unexpected challenge of preventing a zombie apocalypse in Mexico City. As they test their friendship, they also search for their first love.”

Why did they go and ruin a perfectly good Mexican zombie movie by adding “friendship” and “first love”? An undead apocalypse is not the time OR place for BFFs and/or smooching. Mierda total. 

THE AREA 51 INCIDENT / November 1, 2022 (VOD)

“An outbreak occurs in the infamous Area 51, leading a group of survivors to an underground bunker — only to learn they are not alone.”

Of course they’re not alone. They’re in Area 51, which means the place is crawling with extraterrestrials. Heck, aliens even hold down day jobs at Area 51— and they don’t need humans bugging ‘em while they’re at work. You don’t see aliens harassing you at 7-Eleven™ where you work… 

MANDRAKE / November 10, 2022 (Shudder™)

“A probation officer, Cathy Madden is tasked with rehabilitating a notorious killer named ‘Bloody’ Mary Laidlaw back into society following a two-decade sentence.”

A Mandrake is a narcotic, short-stemmed European plant, Mandragora officinarum, of the nightshade family, having a fleshy, often forked root somewhat resembling a human form. What this has to do with a notorious killer beats the nightshade outta me. 

THE CASTLE / November 11, 2022 (VOD)

“On their wedding day, Michael and Catherine’s car breaks down in the middle of nowhere. They walk several miles when they discover an old castle. Against her better judgment, Catherine is convinced by Michael to spend the night. Once she enters the castle, she feels like something is watching her. What she discovers in the castle will change her life forever.”

Castles usually have only three things: bite spiders, stink rats and Dracula. Only one thing is more horrifying: newlyweds. 

Hellish Sex, Christmas Death Kiss, Gourd Goo

You always want to look your best for Halloween, despite your skin’s tendency to freshness-expire. And you can do that with Andalou Naturals™ Pumpkin Honey Glycolic Brightening Mask, originally $16.00, now for $13.00 on Amazon™ a discount of three wallet-stuffing dollars. Rejuvinated face AND savings? Where do I add to the shopping cart and checkout?

From the product’s description: “Andalou Naturals™ Pumpkin Honey Glycolic Brightening Mask combines this powerhouse ingredient with powerful glycolic acid to slough off dull skin cells and leave your skin looking smooth and fresh. It also contains nourishing manuka honey to keep your skin feeling soft. You can feel especially good about slathering this on your face, as the ingredients are all hypoallergenic, organic, vegetarian, and cruelty-free.”

And it works! Check out my pic after using the Pumpkin Honey Glycolic Brightening Mask™ according to directions…

While you’re exfoliating all over your shirt, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make your face as smooth (and carveable) as a glycolic acid-coated pumpkin…

MISTLETOE MASSACRE / December 23, 2022 (VOD)

“Marion Callevero has her guest list checked twice to host the company Christmas event, but gifts quickly turn to gore. This struggling staff has been invited to the party but no one will be returning home for the holidays.”

I don’t know what’s worse — the movie’s ad copy or the plot.

THERE’S SOMETHING IN THE BARN / Pending release 2023 (VOD)

“A typical American family inherits a farm in the Norwegian mountains and crosses paths with a tricky creature from Nordic folklore, the Barn Elf. The family must avoid incurring the wrath of this gnome-like Santa by eschewing all bright lights and loud noises and making sure to leave a bowl of porridge on Christmas Eve.”

Barn Elf. That’s…different. A well-placed pitchfork, though, could put a stop to all that porridge-sacrificing.

ON THE EDGE / Pending release 2022/2023

“Family man Peter gets more than he paid for when he books a 36-hour session with the sadistic Mistress Satana, who seems more intent on making him suffer for his sins. Is it blackmail? Is it torture? Or is it the Devil come for his soul? Will Peter’s faith save him from his own personal Hell or is he already damned? A brilliant depiction of how Kink Culture can heal past trauma and be a source for shocking redemption.”

A 36-hour session with an S&M Dominatrix? Do you get lunch and/or crying breaks in-between bouts of BDSM, enema play (ick) or “Kinbaku”? (Look it up.) Will the “Contrapolar Stimulation” leave hickey marks on your abused bared bottom? Does the “Apple of Pain” go in your fruit bowl? This movie needs to do a lot more explaining. 

OBSTACLE CORPSE / Pending release, 2022

“A teen out to prove herself to her dad stumbles into the world’s most terrifying obstacle course.”

Sounds like the TV show Wipeout™, but with (hopefully) gasoline-powered sharp things, bear trap-filled bouncy tents and thumbtack covered alligators in the water below where your lifeless body will eventually end up. That could be a ratings juggernaut.

Chews From These Shark Movies

You can make ‘em fly, put ‘em into space, turn ‘em into ghosts and robots, possess ‘em with the Devil and make ‘em swim on littered streets. But at the end of the day, sharks are gonna do what Jesus put ‘em here to do: chew and swallow people. That’s what we pay ‘em to do and that’s why there are one hundred billion shark movies with the same eating problems. You’d think that would get old, but it just doesn’t.

Sure, there are other things that eat people: zombies that don’t brush or floss, fine-dining cannibals, extra-extra-extra large snakes, murder bears… But there’s something about the remorseless, bottomless stomach shark that resonates on a level that supersedes even that of the all-you-can-eat Royal Fork Buffet™.

That said, there are a ton of shark horror movies that suck. We’ve seen all of them. Here, then, is a snack platter of shark movies that still suck, albeit slightly less…

HORROR SHARK (2020)

Horror Shark has as many different titles as he has teeth: Blood Bite, Blood Shark, Xus Sha… (it’s a Chinese movie, so be prepared to read it.) Genetically-altered sharks, conspiracies, scuba divers not paying attention. You know the drill.

ALIEN SHARK (2022)

A meteor carrying an extraterrestrial shark crashes to Earth and the beast heads to the beach for some out-of-this-world see food. It’s as believable as it sounds.

SKY SHARKS (2020)

Nazis, hiding in the Land of Ice and Snow (Antarctic), have been experimenting on sharks instead of penguins, modifying them to be able to fly. And the Nazis, trying YET AGAIN to conquer the world, ride ‘em like winged rodeo sharks and attack commercial airliners. It’s as believable as it sounds.

ATOMIC SHARK (2016)

Mutated by radiation leaking like a blown bladder out of a sunken Russian submarine, these atomic sharks (more than one) are jock itch red and covered in jock itch pus pustules. This compliments their char-broiled fins and irradiated blemishes. The rest of the plot does not matter.

NOAH’S SHARK (2021)

A televangelist (religious grifter) and a team of people holding cameras head out to find the mythical Noah’s Ark (i.e., barnyard barge). But biblical prophecies hit the fan when they discover the divine dinghy is guarded by a prehistoric shark and an ancient curse. Well played, God.

OUIJA SHARK (2020)

Teenage girls use a Ouija board to summon the spirit of a teen-eating shark. While most of us would’ve use the board to order Uber-Eats™, someone/something still gets to strap on the feedbag.

SHARK ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND (2020)

The plan to use sharks to fulfill their invasion strategy, super mean aliens find out too late that sharks also have a taste for imported cuisine. 

SHARK EXORCIST (2015)

A nun, fed up with her prayers never being answered, switches political parties and goes full on demonic. She uses her newfound affiliation with the Devil to possess a great white shark. It doesn’t take long for the collection plate to turn into a dinner plate.

SHARK HUNTRESS (2021)

An environmentalist goes underwater to battle sea garbage and a garbage-eating shark. Guess what — everything is yummy garbage to a shark…including you.

SHARK SIDE OF THE MOON (2022)

Gotta hand it to the Russians — not only did they succeed in creating indestructible sharks, they sent ‘em to the moon to deal with those pesky flag-planting, rock-collecting American astronauts.

SHARKULA (2022)

Vampire sharks prey on a tourist community as though it were a tomato soup vending machine. There was a Sharkula movie that came out in 2013 with almost the exact same plot. That one didn’t go very far. Neither will this one. 

VIRUS SHARK (2021)

A shark-bite spreads the SHVID-1 virus. (It probably got it by having unprotected mating with a Sperm Whale.) Unbitten/unvaccinated scientists work feverishly around the test tube to find a cure. Do they succeed? Does it matter?

P.S. I went the whole blog post without once mentioning Jaws and… Crap — just did. Dang it.

Monster Memorabilia, Death Dad, Senior Citizen Demon

Wanna own the hockey mask Jason wore in Friday The 13th Part VI: Jason Lives (1986)? How about Freddy Krueger’s knife-glove used in Freddy vs. Jason (2003)? Or would you like to own the Michael Myers’ mask from Halloween H2O: 20 Years Later (1998). You can buy all of this and more…if you have tens of thousands of disposable cabbage not earmarked for alcohol.

Propstore™ is launching a massive horror movie memorabilia auction where one can procure actual movie props, from a Pinhead life-cast from 1978’s Hellraiser and a Child’s Play 2 (1990) Good Guy Factory Doll to Ripley’s jumpsuit from Alien (1979) and Leatherface’s mask from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre III (1990).

From their press release: “Over 1,500 rare and iconic lots will be sold during Propstore’s unique Entertainment Memorabilia Live Auction over four days from Thursday, November 3rd to Sunday, November 6th, 2022 from 3:00pm GMT each day. Registration is now open HERE and online proxy bids can now submitted.” P.S. They have a complete list auction items, which are expected to fetch in excess of $12.6 million. Heck, you could buy Pinhead, Jason, Freddy, and Michael themselves for that kind of wallet bling. 

So while you’re digging in a rich man’s couch for loose change to buy Freddy Krueger’s gut-sweater or Dr. Hill’s severed head prop from 1985’s Re-Animator (if you’ve seen the movie, you know where that head has been), here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not be auctioned off to the lowest bidder…

BLOOD RED OX / October (Theaters), November 8, 2022 (VOD, Digital, DVD

“Amir and Amat, invited on a trip into the South American Rain Forest, quickly find the pleasant visit to Bolivia taking a bizarre turn as Amat starts having strange visions and loses his mind over the ghostly presence of a giant blood-red ox. Amir must save his boyfriend from paranoia, but he quickly realizes that he can trust nothing and nobody, as he might be losing his mind too.”

Last time I went to the South American Rain Forest Tavern, I hooked up with a blood red ox. Her name was Shirley.

MEGALOMANIAC / NOVEMBER 1, 2022 (VOD)

“Felix and Martha, the two offspring of legendary serial murderer The Skinner of Mons, grapple with the grotesque legacy bequeathed to them. While Martha works a menial janitorial job, Felix continues his father’s reign of terror. But following a brutal attack at work, Martha quickly descends into madness, finding she must come to terms with the infamous blood that flows through her veins.”

So the serial killer has kids. Kinda makes you wonder what drew their mom to him. Maybe it was his looks that kill. Heh.

THE BREACH / November 1, 2022 (VOD)

“Counting down his last days as Chief of Police in the tiny town of Lone Crow, John Hawkins must investigate one last case when a mangled body with uncanny wounds washes up on the shores of the Porcupine River.”

If your wounded, mangled body washes up on the scenic shores of Porcupine River, you don’t need a Medical Examiner to determine that the injuries were caused by a friggin’ PORCUPINE. 

NIGHT OF THE CAREGIVER / November 1, 2022 (VOD)

“A caregiver and a sweet, elderly woman find themselves in grave danger as something demonic dwells in their home.”

Why would demons plague an old lady’s home? Don’t demons have enough hand-knitted sweaters?

Death Whistles, Cursed Videos, Goth Vegans

The four best words you’ll hear all year: Screaming Aztec Death Whistle. Not a movie, but it could/should be, this is an actual handmade charcoal and ceramic wheeze pipe that emulates a woman screaming, though you don’t need a whistle for that.

Called “De Itzcoehua,” this mouth flute sells on Amazon™ for $34.95 and, when blown properly, reaches 125+ decibels. That’s akin to grooving to some soothing sandblasting, a Metallica concert or standing next to a pneumatic riveter, which also sounds like a Metallica concert.

From the sales pitch: “Terrifying instruments of religion and war were used by Ancient Aztecs to summon spirits and create horror and fear wherever they went. These whistles emit a scream that sounds like a woman being tortured in horrible agony.”

Suitable not just for Halloween, but whenever you’re in a traffic jam, Starbucks™ or a maternity ward, the Screaming Aztec Death Whistle is the must-own knick-knack for any season.

While you put your lips together and blow, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not make you scream like you were being tortured…

SADAKO DX / October 28, 2022 (VOD)

“People who watch a cursed video suddenly die. These deaths take place all over Japan. Ayaka Ichijo is an extremely smart graduate student with an IQ of 200. Her younger sister happens to watch the cursed video for fun. Ayaka tries to reveal the mystery of the video.”

Um, isn’t this the same plot as Ringu (1998), Spiral (1998) and Ringu 2 (1999)? Maybe it’s the same film, but the actors are wearing different clothes.

EATING MISS CAMPBELL / October 31, 2022 (VOD)

“A vegan-goth high school student falls in love with her new English teacher and develops a problematic taste for human flesh.”

Whatever it takes to get a passing grade, although being both vegan AND goth is a better horror movie idea.

SUPER Z / October 31, 2022 (VOD)

“The adventures of a family of genetically modified super-zombies.”

They all eat dinner together. And hey — no dishes to wash afterward!

THE CONCLAVE OF SHADOWS / October 31, 2022 (VOD)

” The end of the world begins today and here.”

That doesn’t go very far in telling us what this is about. Bad business model if the end of world begins today, right when you’re putting the movie out. This is also being called, El Cónclave de Las Sombras. I have no idea what that translates to.

Box Set Ghost, India Werewolf, Demon Blackmail

Fans of J-horror will make leakage in their kimono over the definitive box set compilation of Ju-On: The Grudge, Japan’s landmark upset ghost franchise. Releasing December 19, 2022, the five-disc set, with a metric ton of extras, sells for $70.00 fun bucks (or 10,417.00 yen), though you can find it $10.00 cheaper on sale if you’d just put in the time to dig around. Click HERE to see all the ingredients.

What’s that you say? You don’t know what Ju-On is? Prepare to be educated via their press release: “Ju-On is the name given to a deadly curse spawned when someone dies in the grip of a violent rage. All who come into contact with it are doomed. Collected together for the first time, writer-director Takashi Shimizu’s Ju-On: The Grudge series represents the flesh-crawling pinnacle of Japanese chillers that swept the globe at the turn of the millennium.”

“The films introduce the anonymous family house in the suburbs of Tokyo where an unspeakable evil lingers alongside its residents, the ghastly mother-son pairing of Kayoko and Toshio Saeki. Shimizu’s disconcerting approach to plotting, unnerving eye for the uncanny details in the dark corners of the frame and an innate talent for effective jump scares so impressed Evil Dead director Sam Raimi that he invited the director to helm two Hollywood remakes.”

So while you go online to buy the box set, which contains all the Grudge movies and has the same long black stringy haired white faced demon ghost in every one of ‘em, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not make you want to fashionably style your stringy hair…

DEMONS AT DAWN / October 28, 2022 (VOD)

“A retired hitman is blackmailed into taking one last job. However, during his mission, he uncovers a satanic cult that uses human sacrifice to summon demons.”

Human sacrifice seems so ancient Inca. Why can’t satanic cults just summon demons using Facebook™ like everybody else?

BHEDIYA / November 25, 2022 (Theaters)

“Bhaskar gets bitten by a mythical wolf and begins to transform into a creature himself. In order to find answers about his condition and turn himself back into a human he must then team with a group of ragtag buddies before it’s too late.”

This one’s being billed as India’s very first creature comedy. About time, geez. A preview said “Bhediya essentially looks like Bollywood’s answer to An American Werewolf in London.” Better title: A Mumbai Werewolf in India.

MEAN-SPIRITED /Pending release, 2023

“A wannabe YouTuber™ who set out to bury the hatchet with his celebrity friend, just to find out that he is not quite himself anymore.”

A wanna be YouTuber™. That’s like being hired to be the assistant to the guy who just got promoted from janitor to cashier at Kinkos™.

DON’T COME BACK ALIVE / Pending release, 2022/2023

“Police officer Camila, criminal prosecutor Fátima, and police detective Ángel, are used to face extremely dangerous situations, gruesome murder cases and evil criminals. During an operation in a dangerous area, they have an encounter with a female albino figure in a suicide-by-immolation ritual. This being, more powerful than death itself, is here to play with them a wicked game.”

So by going up in flames, you turn yourself into something more powerful than an overheated lava lamp itself? You set the bar way too low, man.

Haunted Booze, Demon Clinic, Ghost Train

Horror fans who imbibe (i.e., guzzle refreshing adult beverages), may recall Harridan Vodka’s™ Paranormal Reserve Vodka™, which was, get this, aged in real haunted locations including the real-life Conjuring house. There were already spirits in the Conjuring house, so that makes logical sense. Heh.

From their website: “Last year, for its first edition of the Paranormal Reserve™, Harridan Vodka™ rested 60 bottles across three haunted locations in the U.S.: The Conjuring House, the Villisca Axe Murder House and the Trans-Allegheny Lunatic Asylum. 

This year, Harridan™ tops itself. From the press release: “Just in time for Halloween, Harridan Vodka™ has released its most terrifying offering ever: the Paranormal Reserve – Annabelle Edition™, a limited collection of 666 bottles rested for 30 days at the Occult Museum in Monroe, CT (750ml, 44% ABV, SRP $199), available now.”

So here’s where things get even cooler: “The Most Chilling Bottle of All: The 666th  bottle of Paranormal Reserve™ was placed directly in front of Annabelle’s case, which was opened by the museum’s proprietor, Tony Spera. The bottle was then rested inside Annabelle’s original case, built by Ed Warren, for 30 days. The vodka, priced at $13,000, is packaged in a one-of-a-kind wooden case that’s a replica of Annabelle’s current confines.”

While we sell the company car to raise at least $200 towards the vodka’s $13,000 price tag, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not fetch more than a 1973 Chevy Nova with one working door and no upholstery to speak of…

GHOST TRACK / Out now (VOD)

“Morris, a young teenager, dies tragically on a train line, his friends helpless to save him. Now adults, his former friends find the spirit of Morris seems to be out for revenge.”

Revenge against who — his friends who tried to help him, or Amtrak™, whose somewhat clean trains ground his body into choo-choo chewables?

THE STRANGER / Out now (VOD)

“After the murder of her husband, Amanda relocates with her daughter, Karli, and purchases a hotel in the countryside. Their fresh start is interrupted by the arrival of a mysterious man who pleads for shelter fleeing an unknown threat.”

What did you expect — she named it The Die Kill Bleed Hotel™.

HELLHOLE / October 26, 2022 (Netflix™)

“In a monastery cut off from the world, the monks run a clinic for the possessed. One day, a young policeman Marek comes to the convent. Posing as a clergyman, he penetrates monastic life and tries to explain the recent, mysterious disappearance of several tormented inmates. It turns out, however, that there is no way out of the monastery.”

Hellhole would be a great name for a bar — as long as you…possess…enough cash to drink there. Heh.

THE GHOSTS OF MONDAY / Release pending 2022/2023

“A group of US filmmakers travel to Cyprus to film a documentary in the tragically famous Hotel Gula — a once popular resort where more than 100 people died in mysterious circumstances. What begins as just another day at the office will eventually turn into a terrifying journey into the unknown.”

A haunted hotel is just another day at the office? Where do I send my resume?

Bigfoot: “I’m Ready For My Close-up…”

As the world’s most recognizable and celebrated cryptid (claimed, but never proven to exist, which is total bullsh*t), Bigfoot tops the list as a bankable juggernaut, spawning countless books, toys, shirts, bumper stickers, hamburgers, candles, soap and, of course, movies.

There are one zillion movies of Bigfoot being everything from benevolent to malevolent. But no one wants to see the mythical monster be nice. So they turned him into a murder machine, going up against everything from campers and crooks, hippies to holiday mascots.

But where does one start wading into the cesspool of unflattering films about our fearsome fursome? Having seen many of these Bigfoot biographies, here’s a sampler to get you started…

MEGAFOOT (2014)

Part cyborg, part Bigfoot. (Should we start calling him Bionicfoot?) Throw in the pro-gun military and gleeful gut-ripping for wholesome family fun. As if it needs to be said, this could be the best version of Bigfoot ever.

BIGFOOT vs. KRAMPUS (2021)

Satan calls on the evil, reverse-Santa Krampus to cause Christmas calamity. Jesus is out of office, so Bigfoot steps up to save us all.

BIGFOOT vs. ZOMBIES (2016)

A scientist creates a science cocktail that turns everyone into flesh-digesting zombies. Rick Grimes is out of office, so Bigfoot steps up to save us all. 

BIGFOOT vs. D.B. COOPER (2014)

Thrill-seekers go deep in the Pacific Northwest woods to find the $200,000 in lost money infamous plane hijacker D.B. Cooper ransomed in 1971, then bailed out of a Boeing 727 with a parachute. He was never found. But they find Bigfoot, whose been seen flashing Benjamins at local watering holes. 

BIGFOOT WARS (2014)

Bigfoot has finally had his fill with hairless humans. A showdown throwdown pay-per-view will determine who wins the championship pelt.

BIGFOOT BLOOD TRAP (2017)

Entitled (i.e. smug, arrogant, overbearing, stupid) teens inherit hundreds of acres of land that could be used for much-needed strip malls. They go exploring with their cell phones and butt dial Bigfoot. They should have called 9-1-1.

DEAR GOD NO! (2011)

Hippie bikers find who’s hairier when they invade an anthropologist’s house and find out he has Bigfoot in the basement. Where else are you gonna keep him? It does not end well for the big leather dumbf*cks.

Witch Whisky, Cash For Killers, Sheriff Wendigo

Cask 88™ is globally known for their pursuit and curation of rare and old whisky, or “fancy fun juice.” Adding to their impressive catalog comes their Scottish Witchcraft Series: Daemonologie™. I can’t spell that, but can certainly drink it.

Here’s their marketing pitch: “Introducing the second release in a new series that is taking whisky collections to another world – one with a darker side. The latest bottle in the Scottish Witchcraft Series goes back in time to offer artistic illustrations based on the book of the Daemonologie written by King James VI. Our modern conceptions of witches owe much to what was written this book, assisted by Shakespeare’s Tragedy of Macbeth, whose depictions of witchcraft are drawn directly from Daemonologie. Don’t miss your chance to own another of the most feared whisky releases of all time, order today.”

A bottle of their witch whisky, which glows in the dark (the bottle and you after drinking it), goes for a shot glass-breaking $108.69 + tax + $38.78 standard shipping. Spooky — watch your money disappear.

So while you’re weighing rent money on this rare bourbon versus $23.99 for Budweiser, 30 pk (12 oz. cans), here are few upcoming horror movies that may or may not take 10 years to ferment…

MISSING / November 4, 2022 (Theaters) / November, 28, 2022 (VOD)

“Depressed and in debt following the death of his wife, Santoshi tells his young daughter Kaeda he’s found a way out. Pointing to a reward note, he vows to find the infamous serial killer ‘No Name’ and cash in, claiming to have seen the man in the flesh a few days earlier. Kaeda cannot take her aloof father seriously.”

A serial killer named “No Name.” There’s marketing for you. So what is a serial killer bounty worth? $1.99 + tax.  

FRIENDSHIP GAME / November 11, 2022 (VOD)

“A group of teens come across a strange object that tests their loyalties to each other and has increasingly destructive consequences the deeper into the game they go.”

In my day this was called “Spin the Bottle.” Had different rules, though — instead of donkey smooching the person the bottle pointed to, you had to drink whatever was in the bottle. Yeah, I totally rigged the game.

ASTONISHING TALES OF TERROR: ROCKTAPUSSY/ September 27, 2022 (Canada), 2022/2023 (US)

“Astonishing Tales of Terror follows a group of everyday heroes after they unwittingly awaken an ancient monster. When an intrepid reporter bumps into a down-on-his-luck miner, the duo join a rag-tag bunch of survivors as they attempt to fend off mind-controlled zombies, possessed medieval knights, and a gigantic demonic demigod: The Rocktapus!”

This Rocktapus you speak of — I wish to audition for his band. How many guitar solos do you want me to do — eight? Is it eight?

THE WENDIGO / Pending release, 2022

A malevolent Algonquian spirit resides in the wilderness of Northeastern America. Described as a stag-headed beast with hooves and antlers, the creature possesses hapless souls who break certain taboos. After a social media star disappears in the woods of North Carolina, his friends are set to figure out what happened to him. Ignoring the legend of the cursed land was their first mistake.”

I’ve broken so many taboos, it’d take two or more duly deputized Wendigos to bring me to justice. Warning to Wendigos: I will not go gentle into that good night.

Phantom Food, Possessed Puppets, Corn-y Kids

Always look forward to fast food giant Burger King’s™ annual Halloween themed and ridiculously healthy cuisine. This year they outdid themselves — the sphincter-clenching Ghost Pepper Whopper™, which cranks up the blast furnace that is your mouth. So yeah, I’m in.

From BK’s press release: “The Ghost Pepper Whopper™, true to its name, features a burger with white cheddar-flavored orange-colored buns topped with Ghost Pepper cheese. It’s also packed with bacon, fried jalapeños, and a queso sauce.” They could just sell me the orange-colored buns and call it day. But wait, there’s more: “Along with the launch of the new Whopper™, Burger King’s™ app has also launched a “Ghost Detector”, which will help you find ghosts in your home…and unlock a special deal.” An app that finds ghosts in my house? Why am I just finding out about this now?

And now the bad news, which doesn’t include the mandatory bathroom time after eating said Ghost Whooper™— it’s only available in select restaurants in 10 cities: Detroit, Memphis, Philadelphia, Phoenix, San Antonio, San Diego, San Francisco, Savannah, Summerville, and New Orleans. (There’s a new Orleans? What happened to the old one?)

While we juice up the jalopy and head to whatever city is closest (807 miles from Seattle to San Francisco), here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not put your indoor/outdoor plumbing to the test…

DEATH CAMP / Out now (VOD/DVD)

“A group of teenagers go to an abandoned cabin for a summer weekend where kids from a high school class were killed 20 years earlier.”

Clichéd [ klee-sheyd, kli- ]: Adjective — Representing or expressing a cliché or stereotype; trite; hackneyed; commonplace.

DOKTOR DEATH / October 28, 2022 (Full Moon Features™ channel)

“A beautiful young med student is trapped in an erotic nightmare and must face-off against the demon that inhabits the evil puppet.”

They had me at “erotic nightmare.” They lost me at “evil puppet.”

PRESENCE / November 17, 2022 (VOD)

“Leaving New York after a mental breakdown, Jennifer is contacted by her best friend about good news concerning their joint business venture. Within the hour, Jennifer is boarding a private plane and walking down the dock to a billionaire’s private yacht. All seems well, except that Jennifer is plagued by violent, unsettling visions. Is her unchecked anxiety attempting to self-sabotage her once again…or has a sinister presence latched onto her?”

If you’re flying on a private plane and floating around on a private yacht, unchecked anxiety and/or a sinister presence should be the least of your baggage. Store it in the overhead compartment and sit down. 

CHILDREN OF THE CORN / Fall 2022 (VOD)

“Eden, an orphan possessed by the spirit of the town’s dying cornfield decides to take revenge against the town’s adults, who are destroying the corn (and the children’s future) with their irresponsible decisions. Bo, equally upset at the adults’ selfish behavior, decides to make a stand against Eden’s radical plan to massacre every adult living in the town. After much mayhem, their epic final showdown leads to Bo and Eden facing off one last time, with the fate of everyone and everything in their hands.”

Some corn to shuck here — this remake allegedly came out in October of 2020 in…Sarasota, FL, which causes quizzical expressions on my non-Floridian face. Secondly, it’s allegedly being released to VOD platforms any day/week now. Thirdly, the original Children of the Corn came out in 1984 and grew 10 more sequels, each less tasty than the one that came before it. Fourthly, I never watched said sequels as I felt it was my mom’s subversive way of getting me to eat vegetables. For all the good that did, they may as well have titled it Children of the Cauliflower.