Archive for October, 2011

Game of the Dead

Posted in Zombies with tags on October 31, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Walking DeadIf you’ve seen it, the hit zombie TV series The Walking Dead on AMC is pretty darn thrilling, what with the beating and eating of skin and the last of the uneaten trying to stay alive long enough to not become dead. But the best part is that it’s happening to them and not us. Sure, we’ve all thought about what we’d do to survive a horde of zombies trying to chow down on our buttsteak (I’d throw water balloons filled with pee on ’em). But since an undead apocalypse is a few years off, we’ll just have to live vicariously through The Walking Dead’s survivor’s attempts at surviving.

Hold the boat – thanks to Cryptozoic Entertainment, you can immerse yourself in even more zombie drama with the new Walking Dead board game. It comes with everything you’ll need to cope with the undead – except pee balloons.

The Walking DeadHere’s the official description: “In The Walking Dead board game, only the strong survive. The weak turn into walkers, and then turn against their former friends! Fight your way through zombie-infested Atlanta with your fellow survivors. Grab some weapons to clear a path. Visit destinations like the department store, old folk’s home, and the CDC. Find the tools you’ll need to live another day. Take on the role of Rick, Andrea, or one of the other hapless survivors and scrounge for sweet weapons like a shotgun or crossbow. Keep your eyes open for new allies, but watch your back! When supplies start running low, it’s every man for himself. If you can make it back to camp with enough gear to defend yourself and those you still care for, you win!”

“Should you fall to the hungry horde of walkers, the game doesn’t end. When a player dies and becomes a walker, they leave the world of the living behind and seek out the remaining survivors. Spring surprise attacks on the living, cause the walkers to frenzy, or contaminate the survivor’s supplies. Put the bite on your former friends and they’ll join you in your pursuit of the living. The fate of the human race is in your hands, either as a survivor or a walker.”

I’d rather be a walker. Good exercise.

The Walking Dead

The Walking Dead board game will run you $39.99. That’s a small price to pay for some sweet zombie action. Warning: the game is designed for those 13 years or older. So if you’re 12 or younger, go back to playing NeoPets or Monkey Quest until you can mentally handle eating human flesh.

Elvira’s Enhanced Hills

Posted in Scream Queens with tags on October 30, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Elvira's Haunted HillsElvira’s Haunted Hills, the prominently buxom Mistress of the Dark’s second movie feature (2001), was just released (October 4, 2011) in an enhanced version. There’s a joke in there somewhere. Other “enhancements” include a making-of featurette, a pretty funny commentary track from the main cast, a few outtakes, and a photo gallery showcasing plunging cleavage, all of which looks like my vacation shots of the Grand Canyon.

Elvira's Haunted HillsElvira’s Haunted Hills is a slight re-telling of Elvira: Mistress of the Dark (1988), but placed in the future past. (I know, don’t ask.) An 1851 Carpathian Count mistakes Elvira, who is on her way to Paris to star in the “Yes, I Can-Can” dance revue, for his long-gone mattress mate, and looks to hook up. This makes the Count’s ghost wife, who looks exactly like Elvira (what are the odds?) vengefully upset. A slapstick comedy dressed (barely) as a horror movie, there are one million one-liners, half of which are about boobs. I LOL’d at every single one of them. I know they were dumb, but I just couldn’t help myself.

Now that I got that off my chest…

Elvira's Haunted Hills

Vampires In Cages

Posted in Vampires with tags on October 29, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Fog WarningVampires and leprechauns have a lot in common. Besides sucking the blood out of your neck like it was a free soda dispenser, both are quite hard to catch. In fact, darn near to impossible. Or is it? In the upcoming horror movie Fog Warning, a chick believed to be a vampire is captured. And her captors may not live to regret it.

As first reported by Dread Central, Fog Warning takes place in a New England town (there’s a new England?), a picturesque colonial town known for its postcard scenery, spectacular fall foliage and townsfolk sucked dry of their neck soda. Too far north to be a Chupacabra, so vampire it must be.

Paranoia running high, a local comic book store manager (don’t say the Frog Brothers – this isn’t California) kidnaps a woman whom he believes is in league with Satan. (Pffft – bowling league, maybe.) This nutbag locks her in the attic of a hysterical, uh, historical house and, along with two thug buddies, try and extract a confession out of her using the time-tested means of torture and name-calling. The plan is to videotape her confessing to the sucking, thereby making the guys rich and famous on the talk show circuit. But if you know your vampire mythology, these plans are sure to go south in a bloody way.

Cool. Mostly because bullies need a lesson in humility every now and again. But is Fog Warning original? Maybe a little. Two other “captured vampire” movies come to mind, one being The Insatiable (2007) and the other, Demon Under Glass (2002).

The InsatiableIn The Insatiable, Harry, a lonely dude, witnesses Tatiana, a hot chick vampire, sucking on a homeless person like a blood lollipop. Harry manages to trap her in his basement where he’s built a cage for her to be comfy in. Heck, he even brings her a dead rabbit on a platter with a rose, just so she won’t go hungry. That is so romantic. Harry’s guilt, though, is making his tummy hurt, so he can’t live with that or his unrequited boobie-feeling for the smokin’ hot vampire love prisoner, and offers to be her rabbit. Ick.

Demon Under GlassIn Demon Under Glass, Simon Molinar, a centuries old vampire whose seen more birthday cakes than all of your grandfathers combined, is captured by the government. The idea is to study this charismatic creature of the night, find out his secrets, bottle it, and make millions. Vampires can be packaged and marketed (see Count Chocula™ cereal), but bottled? Never. In a nice twist, one of the doctors studying Simon, has the ability to turn himself into a vampire at will. I wish I could do that. I can only fart on command. (Not always, but more often than not.)

So if you get a wild stake up yer butt and set about to capture a vampire or leprechaun, don’t. Vampires and leprechauns weren’t meant to be caged and need to roam free. Like the wind itself.

Monsters In The Woods. Again.

Posted in Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Scream Queens with tags , , on October 28, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Monsters in the WoodsThe term generic should only be applied to such nouns/pronouns as aspirin, cleaning products, bottled water, and my sexual prowess. Unfortunately, generic keeps popping up when describing the plots of independent horror films.

Example: the upcoming horror indie, Monsters in the Woods, is being prepped for the American Film Market (i.e., not out yet). While MitW may very well be a groundbreaking work of art that’ll make The Blair Witch Project look like it was done by a Tijuana restaurant dishwasher with a fifth-grade education (oh, wait…), the title, one-sheets, trailer and plot suggest otherwise:

“A low-budget film crew treks deep into the wilderness to shoot horror sequences for their unsellable indie-drama. They soon find themselves in the midst of their own horror show as they are hunted down by real monsters.”

Monsters in the Woods

Let’s try this from a slightly different perspective: “A low-budget film crew (college students, teenagers, two jocks/a fat dork/two hot-but-slutty girls) treks deep into the wilderness (haunted house, summer camp, abandoned insane asylum) to shoot horror sequences (drink, take drugs, party, have sex) for their unsellable indie-drama (YouTube™ hand-held camera footage). They soon find themselves in the midst of their own horror show as they are hunted down by real monsters (escaped lunatic from insane asylum, in-bred cannibals, Bigfoot, revenge-seeking fat dorky guy everyone picks on and doesn’t get to have sex).

Monsters in the WoodsThe plot for Monsters in the Woods is so generic, it’d take me hours to track down similar horror movies already made and do a 10,000 word blog essay on ’em. To take writing credit is like changing the recipe for hamburgers and calling it your own.

Then again, who am I to say? There’s probably a dozen horror fans out there who crave this sort of connect-the-dots filmmaking.

Video Horror

Posted in Classic Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Slashers with tags , , on October 27, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The HuntHorror movies based on video games? Who ever heard of such ridiculousness? Of all the dumbass ideas and… Oops, wait – I forgot Resident Evil (2002), House of the Dead (2003), Doom (2005), Alone In The Dark (2005), Silent Hill (2006), and Bloodrayne (2006). But to base a horror movie on Duck Hunt, the heavily pixilated, G-rated Nintendo game released in 1984? Either filmmakers running out of ideas or the need to put the pipe down.

Duck HuntThe Hunt, a 10-minute splattery horror short, re-imagines Duck Hunt’s breathtaking game play wherein quacking ducks appear one or two at a time, and the player is given three shots to shoot them down. Two weekend hunters are directed to an off-the-beaten track area of the woods for some sweet duck blasting. It’s there they encounter a horrific, car-sized fuzz beast that removes their arms and legs in graphic detail for snacking purposes. Game over.

The HuntDescribed as Duck Hunt meets Jaws, The Hunt is one of three horror shorts by G4 Films, with Kart Driver (Mario Kart) and The Birds of Anger (Angry Birds) rounding out the terror trifecta. You can watch ’em by clicking HERE.

The HuntAll of this is just peachy, but I’m continuing my vigil for a movie adaptation of Frogger, in which a herd of bloodthirsty frogs pursue you across four-lane highways against a backdrop of (wait for it…) hip hop music.

Heh.

Livide Is French For Horror

Posted in Foreign Horror with tags on October 26, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

LivideS’il vous plaît. Ça ne me plaît pas. Laissez-moi tranquille. It’s like those French have a different word for everything. And it’s not like Spanish, where you can kinda figure out the word (“el burrito” =  “the burrito”). And since I speak French about as good as I dress myself in the morning, I had to go online to translate Livide, the title of a new French fantasy horror thriller. It comes up as Livid. Crap on a croissant – I never would’ve figured that out on my own.

LivideMoving forward, Livide is a stylish horror tale involving three teens who break into the remote house of Mrs. Jessel, a comatose old lady, seeking to appropriate her fabled hidden treasure. Mon Dieu! While in the big spooky house, they discover Mrs. Jessel’s real identity (I bet she’s a le vampire). Perfect timing as ol’ lady Jessel just woke from her coma. Au revoir, bitches. (Teenagers make me so livide. For their impudence they deserve the business end of a pied dans l’âne.)

LivideLivide is short but sweet, with a tight running time of 88 minutes. You can do a fair amount of damage to one or more teens in an hour and a half. Firstshowing.net posted a review, saying that “Livid provides all the elements to please a fan of horror from any angle: the scares, the tension, the atmosphere, and, ultimately, the gore. Fans of An American Werewolf in London and/or Halloween III: Season of the Witch are given subtle, but noticeable, Easter eggs.”

Easter eggs? I didn’t know the French were down with our religion.

Livide

Destroy All Monsters…Today If Possible.

Posted in Asian Sci-Fi, Giant Monsters, Godzilla with tags , , , on October 25, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Destroy All MonstersThe year was 1968. Madison Square Garden opened. Congress adopted the Gold Standard. Mattel’s Hot Wheels™ toy cars were introduced. NASA launched Apollo 7, the first manned Apollo mission. Boeing’s 747 made its debut. Night of the Living Dead, 2001: A Space Odyssey and Planet of the Apes premiered. And hippies, like some unchecked pestilence, proliferated the pop culture landscape.

Destroy All Monsters

Yep, a lot of tumultuous societal action went down that year. But of all the culture shifts taking place, one milestone was overlooked: the release of Destroy All Monsters, the mother of all giant monster movies. OK, a slight overstatement. But it was pretty dang neat, what with the first monster movie to feature not only Godzilla in his ninth starring role, but nearly every known kaiju in Toho’s monster garage: Mothra, King Ghidorah, Rodan, Gorosaurus, Anguirus, Kumonga, Manda, Minilla, Baragon, and Varan. (Don’t get your shorts in an origami knot if some of these names don’t sound familiar. You have to be total hardcore to even know how to pronounce their names correctly.)

Destroy All Monsters is being released for the first time on Blu-ray™ today (October 25, 2011). Wanna know what Baragon’s b-hole looks like in hi-def? Your prayers have been answered. And the disc package comes with a bunch of geek features, most of which mean nothing. All you need to know is that you need it.

Destroy All MonstersDestroy All Monsters takes place in the future: 1999. All of the rowdy giant monsters have been rounded up by customs agents and deported to Monster Island. (Signs posted on the beach warn the monsters that it’s illegal to leave the island. Good thing giant monsters can read.) Everything’s groovy until some alien chicks brainwash the monsters with science beams and cuts them loose on the world: Godzilla recycles New York…Rodan craps all over Moscow…Mothra re-landscapes Beijing… Gorosaurus sacks Paris…Manda squeezes the limeys out of London. And the three-headed King Ghidorah is called in to referee. In all, 85 minutes of enjoyable hell on Earth.

Destroy All Monsters

As mentioned prior, Destroy All Monsters featured almost every monster made in Japan at the time. (Gigan, Jet Jaguar and Megalon wouldn’t be drafted into the war until the early ’70s.) If you know your rubber suits, two were missing: Ebirah (giant lobster) and Maguma (giant walrus). Unfortunately, they were cut from the team before they could even suit up. Their families back home were crushed…literally.

Destroy All Monsters sells for $21.99 on Amazon.com, a bargain at ten times the price.