Butcher Burger, Hosiery Horror, Frog God

Paramount Pictures™ and Spyglass Media Group™ are pulling out all marketing stops to promote Scream VI (releasing March 10, 2023), the latest in the horror franchise that started in 1996, and unlike the knife-wielding Ghostface’s victims, just won’t die. (Refresher course: Scream is a slasher franchise that includes six films, a television series, merchandise, and games. The film series has grossed over $740 million in worldwide.)

So what Paramount™ and Spyglass™ did was team up with Chain Restaurant™, a fast food, uh, chain, to offer the Stabby Meal, a slasher twist on McDonald’s Happy Meal™. And it’s available now (for a limited time) in West Hollywood and other participating Chain™ eateries. 

So what is in the Stabby Meal? From Thrillist: “The Extremely Medium Sized Bone Marrow ChainBurger comes as a half-pound bone marrow beef patty topped with American cheese, pickles, onions, ketchup, mustard, and Chain’s™ umami seasoning blend all on a poppy seed bun. The Throwback Fries are simple, classic fries done right. And then Woodsboro Orchards Warm Apple Pie is, of course, a take on McDonald’s Baked Apple Pie™, a hand-held cylinder of hot apples and cinnamon. And yes, Stabby Meal toys are even included in the mix. Several Scream VI pins are available inside the Stabby Meal boxes, which are sure to become hot collector’s items among fans.”

So while test the limits of our gastronomical tract and try one of these Stabby Meals, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not give you crippling indigestion…

FROM BLACK / April 14, 2023 (Shudder™)

“A young mother, crushed by guilt after the disappearance of her young son five years previously, is presented with a bizarre offer to learn the truth and set things right. But how far is she willing to go, and is she willing to pay the terrifying price for a chance to hold her boy again?”

Why put yourself through all that? Just go buy a new kid, preferably one with a return policy.

THE BLACKENING / June 16, 2023 (Theaters, VOD)

“A group of Black friends reunite for a Juneteenth weekend getaway only to find themselves trapped in a remote cabin with a twisted killer. Forced to play by his rules, the friends soon realize this ain’t no motherf****** game.”

There’s no call for those kind of asterisks. This is a family blog, dang it. Darn you…darn you all to heck.

CRUST / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Vegas Winters, a lonely laundromat owner, keeps the leftover socks from customers and uses them to clean himself. When he gets abused and weeps into the pile of socks, it turns into a creature who seeks revenge on Vegas’ enemies.”

Props for coming up with a plot so…different…no one will want to copy it. Ever.

THE GOD OF FROGS / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“Deep in the heart of the jungle exists an elemental creature with an eternal hunger, and every 25 years, it emerges: a woman is eaten alive in 1969, a film crew goes missing in 1994, a politician explodes live on television in 2019, and a multinational corporation goes up in flames in 2044. Terror ensues in this ecological horror film.”

Sounds like the hip hop version of Jeepers Creepers (2001).

A Tub of Screams, Mermaids in Heat, Hairy Legs

While I’m not a fan of the Scream movie franchise (don’t make me explain), gotta admit the Scream VI Popcorn Tub is a pretty slick movie tie-in. You can get it for $19.99 (click here) with a shipping date of early August 2023. Kinda curious as to why this wasn’t scheduled to coincide with Scream VI’s March 10, 2023 theater premier, which would’ve made way more sense. But since when has Hollywood done anything that’s ever made sense, besides Dude, Where’s My Car? (2000).

So what does $19.99 get you? “The Scream VI Popcorn Tub is blow mold plastic, with ABS glossy Ghostface mask sculpted to accuracy, the iconic “Do you like scary movies?” embossed on back with robe texture all over. It’s 8” tall and has an 85 oz capacity.” That can hold a lot of popcorn. But as this thing is plastic and looks like a giant beer mug, 85 oz — or over a half gallon of beer. Now there’s something to scream about!

So while we head to 7-Eleven™ to buy a half gallon of beer to go in the popcorn tub, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make your head feel like the inside of a popcorn maker — or 7-Eleven™…

JACKPOT ISLAND — KUMANTHONG RETURNS / Out now (VOD)

“Jackpot Island — Kumanthong Returns continues to spread obsession and doubts about one of Southeast Asia’s most terrifying divinities. Who is really hiding behind the evil, monstrous face and holding terrifying secrets? What does a deadly island and the terrifyingly mysterious appearance of monstrous mermaids have to do with this brutal and terrifying spell?”

This Vietnamese horror movie’s original title is Đảo Độc Đắc — Tử Mẫu Thiên Linh Cái. This is all Google Translate™ could do with it: Doc Dac Island — Tu Mau Thien Linh Cai. I could’ve guessed that. But what I really want to see is those monstrous mermaids, or “nàng tiên cá quái dị.”

MARUI VIDEO (aka, 8MM) Out now (VOD)

“The video evidence of the murder is especially brutal and graphic and shouldn’t release to the public. A reporter who has access to the prosecutor’s office hears about a cursed tape in the video archive and begins reporting on it. As he digs into the background of the tape, he and his team uncover tidbits of records and find links to various cases. But as they dig deeper and deeper, mysterious events take place all around them.”

Cursed video tape…where have I heard that before? Oh, I remember: all 14 Ring/Ringu movies. 

BAD CONNECTION Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“When a downtrodden young waitress buys a stolen cell phone and discovers a snuff film on it, she soon finds herself on the run from a maniacal madman with a hunting knife who is hellbent on getting it back, and willing to slaughter anyone who stands in his way.”

I don’t see why the maniacal madman with a hunting knife is so hellbent on getting the phone back for the film footage. It’s not like it’s a dick pic that was accidentally sent to everyone in your phone’s address book.

FOOTSTEPS / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A group of young women head to Marshall Woods, intending to blow off steam and find inspiration for their book about local ‘missing person’ lore and legends. They soon discover they are not alone and unwittingly begin a bloody fight for survival against a terrifying and unnatural antagonist.”

If you read the 2020 short story of the same name this is based on, you know there’s a werewolf, body blood, women blood, and the ripping of blouses. Not necessarily in that order.

Horror Espresso, Vile Romance, High School Ghost

Back in the late Sixties/early Seventies, there were more neighborhood VD clinics than coffee shops. These days you can’t walk 20 feet without bumping into someone coming out of a Starbucks™coffee shop, lip-locking an admittedly delicious Caramel Macchiato. As easy is it is to snark at the smug hipsters who pay $4.15 for something you can make at home for .35 cents (Folgers™ drip, double squeeze of pancake syrup, Cool Whip™ topping), what if was less pretentious, something more…horror-based? Enter Horror Vibes Coffee™ located in North Hollywood (specifically, 5251 Lankershim Blvd.)

As first reported by Bloody Disgusting, Horror Vibes Coffee™ serves up killer caffeine with names like “Chai-Day the 13th”, “The Candyman Dulce De Leche” and the morning go-to to-go, “Nightmare on Maple Street.” Horror coffee is well-positioned to replace breakfast as the most important meal of the day. 

But Horror Vibes Coffee™ isn’t just about the drinks. As Bloody Disgusting reports, “The shop is “loaded with horror vibes, from the paintings of horror icons outside to the Chucky and Annabelle dolls hanging out inside. Artwork on the walls pays tribute to everything from Terrifier 2 to the Scream franchise.”

While we redeem our Starbucks™ Rewards points for a bus ticket to Hollywood to bask in Horror Vibes Coffee’s™ vibes, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may are may not be made better topped with Cool Whip™…

THE COMMUNION GIRLS / Out now (VOD)

“Spain, late 1980s. Newcomer Sara tries to fit in with the other teens in this tight-knit small town in the province of Tarrgona. If only she were more like her extroverted best friend, Rebe. They go out one night at a nightclub, on the way home, they come upon a little girl holding a doll, dressed for her first communion. And that’s when the nightmare begins.”

In Spain this movie is called, La Niña de la Comunión. I have no idea what that means. It’s like they literally have a different word for everything. ¡Caramba!

PUISI CINTA YANG MEMBUNUH/ Out now (VOD)

The story of Ranum, who is always tricked by the sweet words of men who then betray her and later ends with death by a mysterious figure. Ranum’s family drama revolves around deceit; it is poetic, romantic, and hilarious which instantly turns into terror. Ranum decides to keep looking for true love, which is beautiful and brings kindness to ward off the tragedy she has experienced. Who is the figure who spreads the vile terror, and can Ranum find her love?”

First look at this movie’s title had me thinking someone barfed up a whole lotta Wordle™. Translated, it reads Deadly Love Poem. Normally, I would eschew (sorry — word of the day calendar) topics such as this as love and romance have no place in horror. A wood chipper, perhaps. However, when they put “vile terror” in the movie’s description, it gave me a glimmer of hope that love and romance could be acceptable within the context. 

THE WRAITH WITHIN / February 21, 2023 (VOD)

“When a group of friends returns to their hometown for a high school reunion, a tragic curse of the town’s history emerges to terrorize them after horrifying revelations put all of their lives in peril for a shocking night they may not all survive.”

The horrifying revelation is everybody got fat and bald. High school reunions are what real horror stories look like.

THIS LAND / March 10, 2023 (VOD)

“Ava, a traumatized mother agrees to a rustic getaway on the 4th of July with her husband and son in hopes of putting back the pieces of their lives. It’s the one-year anniversary of a violent home invasion that cost her unborn baby’s life. However, after arriving at the cabin rental they learn they are double booked with a family with very different political beliefs. Tensions boil over the weekend as the families confront grief, race, and the divide within the country. They soon realize something else is trying to drive them apart — a band of sinister elites targeting them for an ancient ritual.”

We see this on the news every night. Does there really have to be a movie about it? I am so done with ancient rituals.

Printed Splatter, Foreign Demons, Immortal Daycare

Before there were iPads™ and “smart tablets,” you got your news and non-porn ads from newspapers. Those things were cool — lots of pictures, tons of useless information and you never had to plug it in or recharge it. It was in those newspapers that movie companies placed ads. And in the ’80s, you got gore and slasher movie ads, which were an art form unto themselves.

Author/horror movie expert Michael Gingold (Fangoria, Rue Morgue, Birth.Movies.Death, Time Out New York, Scream, The FrightFest Guide to Monster Movies, Shark Movie Mania), has a new book coming out October 9, 2018 called Ad Nauseam: Newsprint Nightmares from the 1980s, a compilation of all those luridly glorious horror movie/TV ads. And even more frightening is the price: $34.95. In 1980s money, that’s worth the price of nearly 140 newspapers. That’s some serious fire hazard buying power.

I’m thinkin’ that the reprinted horror movie ads are all black and white, which gives ‘em a grindhouse-y aesthetic. The book might have a few color ads, though, (I’m hoping to see The Evil Dead/1981 ads in full blood-esque color).

While we impatiently wait for October (why won’t my homemade time tunnel work? I put new double AA batteries in it…), here are a few upcoming horror movies/TV series that may or may not be worth cutting out of a newspaper or downloaded onto your maxi-iPad™…

WELLINGTON PARANORMAL (July 11, 2018/New Zealand)
“The new mockumentary series follows officers Minogue and O’Leary as a pair of paranormal cops focused not just on vampires this time. New Zealand’s capital is a hotbed of supernatural activity, so Officers Minogue and O’Leary take to the streets to investigate all manner of paranormal phenomena including ghosts, demonic possession and werewolves.”

This is the TV series sequel to the incredibly hilarious What We Do In The Shadows (2014) vampire movie, and will premier July 11, 2018 on New Zealand channel TVNZ. My antennae doesn’t reach that far. Word around the antennae store, though, is the follow-up movie is tentatively titled, We’re Wolves. Flippin’ genius.

OPEN 24 HOURS (2018)
“Mary knew her boyfriend James was the Rain Ripper serial killer. But she felt powerless to act until he forced her to watch another victim being slaughtered before her eyes — and then she set him on fire. On parole from prison despite everyone thinking she was guilty by proxy, and on medication to control her paranoid hallucinations, Mary gets a graveyard shift job at the remote Deer gas station. Then the killings begin. Is what’s happening real? Are they just blood-soaked delusions? Or does she really like to watch people murdered as her ex always intimated?”

Rain Ripper seems like a dumb name for a serial killer. And since when does a pyromaniac get a job at a gas station? That’s like me going to work for Anheuser-Busch. (Note to AB — I totally promise to stay drunk on the job, as I am a company man, through and through.)

THE WITCH IN THE WINDOW (2018/2019/Shudder™)
“A separated father Simon and his estranged twelve-year-old son, Finn, head to Vermont to repair an old farmhouse and encounter the malicious spirit of a previous owner, an infamously cruel woman named Lydia. With every repair Simon makes, he’s also making her spirit stronger…until a terrifying encounter leaves him doubting whether he can protect his son from the evil that’s making its way into their heads and hearts.”

“Infamously cruel.” That’s some serious street cred. Looks good on a resume, though, especially when applying to work for Yelp™.

NOS4A2 (2019/AMC)
“A young female artist named Vic McQueen discovers she has a supernatural connection with Charlie Manx, a seemingly immortal man who feeds off the souls of children and deposits their remains in a twisted holiday village known as Christmasland. Vic sets out to defeat Manx and rescue his victims while keeping her sanity intact.”

This one’s gonna be a TV series (whoohoo — binge time!) on AMC, and is based on the same named 2013 book by Joe Hill, Stephen King’s son. I can see why he didn’t take his dad’s last name — then he’d be “Joe King/Joking”. Heh.

40 Year-Old Horror, Literary Madman, Male Horror

Every since it was announced Jamie Lee Curtis was returning to reprise her role as Laurie Strode in Halloween (first released in 1978), fans have been clamoring in their pants. So much so, fan art for the as yet untitled Halloween sequel (scheduled for October 18, 2018), has been popping up like seasonal measles all over the Internet, the one featured here being one of the better examples. (Don’t know who to credit as they didn’t put their secret identity on it.)

Until the REAL title is announced, we’ll just have to be happy with the official plot: “Laurie Strode comes to her final confrontation with Michael Myers, the masked figure who has haunted her since she narrowly escaped his killing spree on Halloween night four decades ago.”

Meanwhile, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that hopefully won’t make you wait 40 years for the sequel…

EDGAR ALLEN POE: BURIED ALIVE (October 30, 2017/PBS)
“Edgar Allan Poe: Buried Alive draws on the rich palette of Poe’s evocative imagery and sharply drawn plots to tell the real story of the notorious author. Narrated by Oscar — and Tony — nominated, two-time Golden Globe-winner Kathleen Turner, American Masters – Edgar Allan Poe: Buried Alive explores the misrepresentations of Poe as a drug-addled madman akin to the narrators of his horror stories.”

Looking forward to this one as it stars the brilliantly versatile Denis O’Hare from the American Horror Story series. That guy comfortably wears so many acting hats, I’m surprised his next movie isn’t about a haberdashery, which I believe is a British hat store. Hat is way easier to spell than haberdashery.

ATTACK OF THE KILLER DONUTS (November 17, 2017)
“A chemical accident turns ordinary donuts into blood thirsty killers. Now it’s up to Johnny, Michelle and Howard to save their sleepy town from…Killer Donuts.”

Yeah, but what kind of donuts? Bear Claws seem to make obvious sense. Not so much for maple bars — unless they’re thrown at your head as if a yummy, sticky brick. Still, we’ve already had Attack of the Killer Tomatoes (1978); what’s next — Attack of the Killer Hot Dogs? That actually might be cool, now that I think about it.

SCREAM QUEEN! MY NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET (2017/2018)
“A documentary film focusing on the gay experience in Hollywood horror, Scream, Queen! My Nightmare On Elm Street explores how that experience has changed in the three decades since Mark Patton’s controversial portrayal of Jesse Walsh, the object of Freddy Krueger’s latent desire in Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge (1985).”

Scream, Queen! examines the infamous homo-erotic subtext and the special place the film holds in the Nightmare franchise as well as the gay film canon. Partly in thanks to evolving social mores, Nightmare on Elm Street 2 — which was considered controversial at the time of its release — is now being looked back upon with a new appreciation and fondness by horror aficionados and fans of the series. While Freddy’s Revenge, dubbed “the gayest horror movie ever made,” cemented Freddy as a pop culture icon, Patton was never heard from again. After 30 years of living in near obscurity, Patton is back to talk about how his American dream became a nightmare during the homophobic AIDS crisis in Hollywood and why he had to give it all up.”

Just because they showed a male bare bottom being invisibly horsewhipped in Nightmare on Elm Street 2 doesn’t mean it’s a gay horror movie. It’s the scene where Jesse would rather crawl through a bedroom window to “crash” with his bare-chested buddy than have willing, carte blanche relations with his hot red-headed girlfriend.

RESTRAINT (2018)
“A disturbed young woman who plunges into a darkness after becoming unexpectedly pregnant, becoming a threat to her family and herself.”

So much for a second date. Then again, plunging into darkness just might re-heat the leftovers.

That Puppet Is Such A Doll

Before he used voodoo to transfer his soul into the plastic casing of a child-sized toy serial killer who chased little boys around, Charles Lee Ray (i.e., Chucky) had a girlfriend. Tiffany (played by the gorgeous Jennifer Tilly) is a top-heavy, walking pin-up of an accomplice. I’ll say it for you: she’s got looks that kill.

In Bride of Chucky (1998), the third installment of the Child’s Play franchise, Tiffany promises to help find a living body for Charles to transfer his soul into if he’ll marry her when he’s made human again. That’s one hell of a pre-nup. Due to the size of her, um, ambitions, she has a LOT of takers. (I’m still waiting my turn.)

Retrieving Chucky’s chunks from a police locker, Tiffany sews the doll back together, giving the toy infected Frankenstein zig-zag stitching and an eye socket that looks like an exit wound. But Chucky has other plans other than marriage for Tiffany, which involves killing her and bringing her back to life with voodoo then transferring her soul into a doll. Geez, all they had to do was go to a counselor.

She dolls up (sorry), and gives her new self a sexy makeover and Chucky is about to get lucky. Right before they have doll sex, Tiffany asks, “Have you got a rubber?” Chuck: “Have I got a rubber? Tiff, look at me…I’m ALL rubber!” Still laughing over that one.

Despite all the ancillary killings and blood screams and other tedious stuff, that scene alone should tell you there’s more sequels (Seed of Chucky/2004 and Curse of Chucky/2013). Back to the video store, as I need to know how this is finally, finally, finally gonna end.