Archive for April, 2018

Enlarged Crocogator

Posted in Classic Horror, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Nature Gone Wild, Scream Queens, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 30, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Great Alligator

There’s several things should know about 1979’s Italian-made The Great Alligator. First is that the alligator, while not quite great, is actually a crocodile. Secondly, the movie has been released by many nom de plumes, like Il fiume del grande caimano, Alligators, Caiman, Big Alligator River and The Big Caimano River. And third, the great CROCODILE has more body count credits to its resume than just about any other oversized marauding reptile this side of Godzilla. 

The Great Alligator

So stop me if you’ve heard this before: a rich entrepreneur is opening a tourist resort on a river-fed African lagoon. The subsequent tourists p*ss off the neighboring low-tech Kuma tribe that dresses up in leaves and backward, bamboo alligator head masks, and worships the island’s big boy croc that makes them consistently stain their leaves. A nighttime booze cruise with the tourists on Tarzan’s Raft (not making that up) and a relentless attack by “The Great God Kruna,” aka the title character. This “all you can eat buffet” has a quickly escalating scorecard: Croc: 46, tourists: zero.

The Great Alligator

A photo journalist and a supermodel (later kidnapped and tied to a bamboo barge as a sacrifice to Kruna) try to warn everyone, etc. No one listens until they become Cheese-Nips™ for the crocodile. (When he bites you underwater, you can hear the crunching sounds. That’s oddly satisfying.)

The Great Alligator

A missionary, who years earlier came to the island to force his religious beliefs on those godless natives, lives in a cave, fearful of leaving should he end up meeting their god instead. Beyond that, the ensuing  tourist slaughter rodeo is impressive if the plot is not: the tribe attacks the surviving tourists jumping off the flaming Tarzan Raft booze cruise and as yet not taken out of the win column by the crocodile. Bodies are shot with flaming arrows and spears, hung, stabbed, and pretty much made unable to get a vacation refund.

The Great Alligator

A bridge collapses. A van turns into a submarine. More regional burning arrows. Some dynamite, a wide open croc yap and a big ka-BOOM later, and it’s gator burgers for tonight’s luau. In all, despite the cheesy effects, The Great Alligator is a laughable, dubbed waste of time.

Superhero Facial Hair, Alien Robots, Criminal Comets

Posted in Aliens, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 29, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Supergirl

My TV superhero watching guilty pleasures include Arrow, The Flash, Gotham, Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D, Daredevil, The Punisher, Luke Cage, Iron Fist (just barely) and Jessica Jones. But it’s Supergirl on The CW that, while targeting young teen girls, is hilarious enough to keep me all giggly during its three seasons.

Supergirl

Favorite moments include Supergirl getting drunk (“I feel…float-y…but I’m not floating…”), excitedly meeting the President (original Wonder Woman star, Lynda Carter) for the first time: “Should I get a blow-out?”, Karaoke rapping (she’s actually not half bad, though rap music in general sucks red kryptonite) and eating glazed pastry after glazed pastry in a diner as her alter-ego, Kara Danvers. (Waitress: “How can you eat all this day after day and not gain a pound?” Kara/Supergirl: “I’m an alien.” Comedy gold, I tell you.

Mon-El

But in Season 3, several characters are getting costumes, specifically ex-Supergirl boyfriend Mon-El (he has a cape he uses as a wicked weapon) and apocalyptic nemesis/world killer Reign, whose costume looks like it’d be perfect for cosplay night at the Fetish Fortress in Chinatown, NY. Both are welcome upgrades, though not too crazy about Mon-El’s new hipster beard/mustache. Arrow being the exception to the rule, superheroes in general don’t look superhero-y with facial hair — just ask Superman and his universally-mocked, digitally-erased “Canadian scarf” in Justice League (2017).

Reign

While I go shopping for a new pair of britches I can use as a weapon, here are a few upcoming/just released horror/sci-fi and genre documentaries that may or may not give your fright level a smooth, close-shave…

Kin

KIN (August 31, 2018)
Kin, a pulse-pounding crime thriller with a sci-fi twist, is the story of an unexpected hero destined for greatness. Chased by a vengeful criminal, the feds and a gang of otherworldly soldiers, a recently released ex-con and his adopted younger brother are forced to go on the run with a weapon of mysterious origin as their only protection.

I bet the “weapon of mysterious origins” is a Super Soaker™ filled with pee pee. That should pretty much stop anybody, even otherworldly soldiers. In fact, I hear NASA is building up an arsenal of such weapons just in case Earth is invaded by extraterrestrials. I heard about that on the Internet, so it can’t possibly be wrong.

The Flatwoods Monster: A Legacy of Fear

THE FLATWOODS MONSTER: A LEGACY OF FEAR (available now)
“This documentary that unlocks a decades-old mystery that included a government-ordered military examination of a purported alien crash-site, and multiple UFOs seen by countless residents of Braxton County, WV. In September of 1952 hundreds of people across the United States witnessed glowing objects streak across the skies over much of the Eastern Seaboard. One of the objects in question was seen to land on a hill near the small community of Flatwoods, West Virginia by a group of children. The children and two adults made a journey to the top of the hill to search for the object but instead found themselves face to face with a thirteen-foot tall mechanical monster.”

I’ve seen numerous TRUE documentaries about this “Beverly Spacebilly.” A moment-by-moment recounting of the story on Wikipedia™ tells that when the local sheriff showed up to investigate, he found “two elongated tracks” in the mud. We can only hope aliens, mechanical or otherwise, have enough sense to wipe their tentacles before tracking up a freshly-mopped UFO kitchen floor/deck.

Stone Seeker

 

STONE SEEKER (available now)
“Three soldiers descend into the caves beneath their city to find a fabled stone with powers.”

And there they find members of the Rolling Stones. (Stones with powers — get it? Why I’m not on Comedy Central™ continues to baffle me.)

Garlic and Gunpowder

GARLIC AND GUNPOWDER (available now)
“A comet is on track to destroy the planet — or not, depending on who you talk to. The world’s top 1% aren’t taking any chances and are planning on stashing their gold and valuables in vaults hidden deep in the mountains. A 300-pound female Mob Boss, a Chinese Mafia leader and a couple of Federal agents all have competing plans to pull off what could be the final heist of existence.”

They’re right — the guy selling tainted Romaine lettuce in the grocery store insists a comet will wipe our butts clean. Then there’s the bus stop lady who never gets on the bus who claims the end-of-the-world produce guy is full of E.coli. Either way, the criminals — and I can’t believe I’m saying this — are smart to invest their ill-gotten gains in mountain vaults. Just to be safe, they should tell me where its hidden, so I can help them re-find it if and when the comet comes to cash us out.

A Box of Death

Posted in Classic Horror, Misc. Horror, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , on April 28, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Cube Zero

Cubeº: Cube Zero (2004), the sequel/prequel to Cube (1997) and Cube 2: Hypercube (2002), thinks outside the box, showing the people that control the test subjects inside the massive, booby-trapped, multi-roomed Rubik’s Cube™ of deathisms.

Cube ZeroOne such test subject is sprayed with fluid and thinks its water. Don’t go brushing your teeth with it just yet, pal — that there water is a flesh-eating bacteria mixed in with a fluid delivery system and… Dang, he melted before I could finish telling him he was about to die a horrible and un-flossed death.

Cube Zero

Operated by two controllers who don’t like each other, they’re given orders on how to run scenarios on those within the Cube. One guy has an eyeball outside of his head — super ick. The other guy falls for a supermodel previously placed in the Cube and is instructed to record her dreams. (If anyone ever puts me in a Cube and tries recording my dreams, they better have a strong stomach.)

Cube Zero

As the Cube clues (or “clubes”) fall into place, the test subjects are found to have something in common: each was sentenced to death at one point, but signed a consent form to have their lives spared if they agreed to be placed in the Cube. Wait a minute — the supermodel wasn’t sentenced to death, nor did she sign a waiver. That means there’s some gosh dang monkey business going on upstairs in the corporate office.Cube ZeroRealizing this, the one controller who has a case of the hot potatoes for the supermodel goes into the Cube to rescue her. The Cube, though, has been rigged to reset itself and do a clean sweep, meaning it vaporizes everything inside made up of living tissue. Ouch and then some. Cooler still, when a test subject makes it through the Cube’s traps and poking things, he or she exits and is asked if they believe in God. If you say no, you’re burned to death right there on the spot. You’re gonna roast in Hell one way or another.

Cube Zero

Cubeº: Cube Zero is more interesting than Cube 2: Hypercube, but not as good as the self-titled first one in the franchise, due to nonsensical “Big Brother” plotting. I watch these things for the boobies and booby-traps, NOT for nonsensical story lines. As stuffed sausage as the plot is, it has one ’o those Twilight Zone-type irony/twisty endings. So, like, that was pretty cool.

The Boogeyman Should Blow His Nose

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on April 27, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Boogeyman 2

Nine year-old Laura and her 11 year-old brother Henry witnessed the serial killer known as the  Boogeyman use their parents’ necks for a place to put his knife while adjusting his killer (ahem) black hood. Personally, I would’ve put the knife in the dishwasher.

Boogeyman 2

Ten years in and out of a mental institution dealing with their life-crippling fear of the dark and all things Boogeymen, Henry and Laura are still being counseled by a “face your fears, you pussies” medical director. Joining them are  five other pre-adults dealing with their mental clogged toilet: bugs under the skin, fear of being in public, fear of getting fat, fear of germs… (What — no fear of non-alcoholic beer?)

Boogeyman 2Laura is a screaming hottie, with emphasis on screaming, now that the therapy has failed and the Boogeyman is back to finish what he started a decade ago. Everyone is being dispatched by the thing they fear the most. One kid gets chopped in half by an elevator. (I take the stairs, so that entertained me.) One girl with a fear of bugs gets maggots poured into open wounds. (I don’t have open wounds, so again, highly entertaining.) Additional deaths are just as creative and enjoyable.

Boogeyman 2

While the first half of Boogeyman 2 (2007) is boring horror crap (the premise is the same as A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors (1987), the second half delivers some excellent gore and a “sex-while-standing-up” scene. (Not as comfortable as it looks.)

Boogeyman 2

The Boogeyman himself isn’t a supernatural entity, though they try to make you believe otherwise. If you can’t guess who/what/he/she is by the half-hour mark, you need to have maggots poured into your open wounds. Even as clichéd as it is, this sequel is slightly better than the first Boogeyman (2005), whose main evil character just wasn’t that attractive.

Happy Alien Day, Dinosaurs vs. Criminals, Rock Mom

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Evil, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, TV Vixens, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 26, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Alien Day

Today (Thursday, April 26, 2018) is Alien Day. And yes, it’s a globally recognized religious holiday. Traditional gifts include blurry photographs, night trips to Uranus, watches that stop for hours at a time and unearthly implants.

HR Giger Museum Bar

I’m sure you have a lot of themed activities planned, like going to the YMCA and getting probed in the locker room, inviting fellow abductees over to watch E.T. the Extraterrestrial (1982) and LOLing at that turd-shaped toilet plunger alien, or even stopping by the Museum HR Giger Bar in Château St. Germain, Gruyères, Switzerland (fashioned in part to honor of the late Giger’s Alien concept art) to slug down a few Romulan Ales while trying to score with “female” lifeforms.

Area 51

I’m headed for Area 51 and taking a few UFOs out for a test spin. It’s important to test drive a few before laying down the big bucks. FYI: Keep the extras like GPS but lose the LoJack™ — the government’s gonna steal it anyway, so why bleed the weasel?

E.T. the Extraterrestrial

Don’t forget to “phone home” if you party a little too much with your space brothers. Here are  few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies to help you forget tomorrow exactly what happened on your Uranus. (Don’t worry; it’ll all come back to vividly haunt you on Facebook™)…

The Jurassic Games

THE JURASSIC GAMES (June 12, 2018/VOD | July 3, 2018/DVD)
“The film imagines a world set in the near future wherein ten Death Row convicts are chosen to compete in The Jurassic Games, the ultimate virtual reality game show that pits its players against dinosaurs and each other. However, there is a catch; if you die in the virtual game, you also die in reality. As the devious Host continues adding improbable challenges, the characters will find the odds stacked against them as only one victor can emerge as winner and reclaim their freedom.”

The TRUE Hunger Games — heh. So criminals versus dinosaurs. My money’s on the dinosaurs. 

Venom

VENOM (October 5 (2018)
“One of Marvel’s most enigmatic, complex and badass characters comes to the big screen, starring Academy Award nominated actor Tom Hardy as the lethal protector, Venom.”

Venom

Glad they re-serviced the key art. The first one looked like Mothman horked up a Rorschach test.

Embryo

EMBRYO (2018)
Kevin and his girlfriend Evelyn, while camping out in the woods in the Chile countryside, are abducted and Evelyn is impregnated by otherworldly beings. As the entity inside her begins to grow at a rapid rate, Evelyn discovers that the cravings she’s experiencing can only be satiated by the taste of human flesh and blood. When she attacks a doctor, Kevin decides not to hand her over to the authorities, but to go on the run and try to get to big city where they can find help to remove the thing that’s slowly taking over Evelyn’s body.”

Creature feature unsafe sex knocker-uppers aren’t new. A few off the top of the ‘ol untouched condom display rack: The Mole People (1956), Day the World Ended (1956), The Alligator People (1959), Alien (1979), Humanoids From The Deep (1980), The Beast Within (1982), Inseminoid (1981), The Fly (1986), The Terror Within (1989)… I could go on for another nine months. Then there’s the reverse impregnation sci-fi romance tale that is Species (1995). Unfortunately, for you, there is no such thing as a “movie after” pill.

Hollow Body

HOLLOW BODY (2018)
“A struggling rock band led by Jimmy Kleen makes a deal with Rick Roland, a shady record executive. Things take a dark turn when the band’s lead singer Rachel Swann and her controlling stage mother, are struck by lightning and killed. Rachel comes back to life, now possessed by the spirit of her dead mother and with strange electrical powers she can’t control. Both personalities struggle for dominance of her body while the band begins to take off. Rachel’s bandmate discovers the dark secret behind the band’s success: Rachel is using her electrical powers to kill men and drain them of their electricity, transmuting it into electrifying performances. He and Jimmy must decide if they will stop her or if the high cost of success is a price they are willing to pay.”

Sounds like Shocker (1989) with guitars. For another struck-by-lighting-and-becomes-electricity “accidents”, look no further than Supergirl’s not-BFF, Livewire on the hit CW hit TV series. Say what you will about her being bonkers and able to throw electricity around like parade candy, she could re-charge your cell phone in, like, one second. That’s pretty neat.

Descent Into Double Hell

Posted in Classic Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 25, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Descent: Part 2

The Descent: Part 2 (2009), picks up where The Descent (2005) left off, with Sarah Carter, the lone survivor of the women-only subterranean shopping trip/cannibal fest, is in the hospital, unable to recall the horrific events that left her friends eaten alive by sightless cave creatures.

The Descent: Part 2

Meanwhile, a police search party, led by professional underground explorers with cool flashlights and glow sticks, is under way. The sheriff, though, finds out the blood Sarah was covered with didn’t leak out of any of her primary orifices, but rather one of the friends whose bodies they can’t seem to find. Because she was only banged up by the Crawlers, Sarah is deemed cave-worthy, and is forced BY LAW to return to the vast Appalachian underground cave system to look for survivors. Don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time.

The Descent: Part 2

A creaky elevator in an abandoned mine shaft takes the sheriff and his female cop, three pro-cave climbers and Sarah into the pits of Purgatory. It’s not long before they find the rat-chewed body of one of the women. This freaks out Sarah and her memory comes rushing back. Time to get the hell outta Hell. She takes off, leaving the others to fend for themselves. And all the while that eerie clicking noise made by the Crawlers is getting closer.

The Descent: Part 2

The creature attacks are well-staged, with those blind, hairless, naked and hungry flesh-eaters (i.e., Goth fans) coming out of nowhere. The trick is to not make any noise as the beasts track by sound. Hard to do that when your neck croissant is bitten and your blood spraying like a shower nozzle. A gun shot triggers a cave-in, and all are separated. For the Crawlers this is good news as their meals are better when served ala carte.

The Descent: Part 2

What makes Descent 2 decent (heh) is the added twists. It could’ve been a cookie-cutter slaughterfest and you’d be suitably gleeful. But they took it to the next level with “you didn’t see it coming” swerves. Suffice to say, there are killer (ahem) gory/goon-out moments, and one particularly nasty scene, which finds Sarah and the lady cop in a pool of fetid water. Turns out it wasn’t a pool after all, but an outhouse. Or would that be an in-house since it’s essentially indoors? I must ponder that over a bowl of black lumpy oatmeal.

The Descent: Part 2

One more clever twist sets up the escape sequence, which leaves the cave wide open for another sequel. Watch The Descent: Part 2 — it’ll scare the hole outta you. 

The Devil Is A Jive Turkey

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Godzilla, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 24, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Devil's Express

A bunch of ancient Chinese warrior monks with swords and crossing guard yellow pajamas put an evil amulet into a box. Then they put that box into a bigger box. And before it can do a “Pop Goes The Weasel” on ‘em, they landfill it into a deep cave-y hole, then slice themselves into sandwich bologna in order to maintain the secret whereabouts of said demonic jewelry, which would release a height/weight proportionate demon.

Devil's Express

Flash forward to mid-1970s New York, where a really tall, muscular and shirtless kung fu instructor with an afro and anti-whitey attitude the size of Manhattan is teaching street thugs how to make that slappy sound when punching people in the sac, in this case a gang of Chinese gangstas, whom they are constantly turf warring.

Devil's Express

Luke Curtis, the superfly of slapping (and kicking and karate chopping), decides to go to China to ramp up his punching skillz, taking along the street-slang yapping student, Rodan. (No, not Godzilla’s smart-mouth/beak pterodactyl, but a jive turkey.) It’s here Rodan steals the evil amulet (it thought outside the box) and it’s transported back to Harlem, where it unleashes the demon, who possesses a guy in a suit and turns him into a bug-eyed zombie that rips people open as if a birthday present. Then he goes into the subway where it’s nice and dark — exactly where you’d want to go to kill some time and other things. Soon, mangled bodies are showing up like pawn shop jewelry.

Devil's Express

The cops think it’s a war between the African American gang (some of who are white) and the Chinese gang, who all wear black t-shirts and white pants. Both sides make that slappy sound when executing really slow and inept kung fu offenses to upper and lower torsos.

Devil's Express

A tentative truce is suggested and the Chinese kung fu master tells Luke about the amulet and its powers to possess people, use loved ones against its enemies and cause hallucinations that’ll definitely stain gold lamé bell-bottom jumpsuits (Luke’s stylish action wear) OR white pants. He ventures into the subway for a demonic kick-boxing confrontation that has runaway subway trains appearing out of nowhere and then disappearing, heavy duty smacking and the letting of blood.

Devil's Express

The Devil’s Express (aka, Gang Wars/1976) is one of those “so bad, you can’t help but watch it” movies. Painful dialogue, exaggerated fight facial expressions and a manifested demon who looks like a glowing eyed mummy wrapped in cloth that’s been dipped in one of New York City’s finest garbage cans. The only thing better is Luke’s pimp-esque wardrobe. Now to go on Amazon.com to see if I can find a gold lamé bell-bottom jumpsuit to go with my platform shoes. Then it’s off to the subway for me.