Archive for the Classic Horror Category

Hell Kids, Hell Zombies, Hell Stuff

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Slashers, Witches, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 22, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Stranger Things 2 / A Nightmare on Elm Street

As you/me/I/us/them/they wait IMPATIENTLY for Stranger Things 2 (premiering Friday, October 27, 2017), news comes down the super fun happy slide the surprise horror hit has already been renewed for a third season. I needed some good news after waiting all day for that !@#$ “once-in-a-lifetime” eclipse to somehow destroy the world. (I know the eclipse was for free, but dang — I feel gypped.)

The new Stranger Things 2 key art is a slick homage to 1984’s A Nightmare on Elm Street. When you think about it, sleep slasher Freddy Krueger’s dream state world is the ‘80s version of Stranger Thing’s The Upside Down alternate universe/dimension/golf course. Regardless, I’ll have to go back to hoping for Melancholia to smash into this toilet Earth for my world-destroying fantasies.

While we wait for that planet to pinball ours, here are a few upcoming horror and sci-fi movies to help cope with the disappointing, non-destructo eclipse

Little Evil

LITTLE EVIL (September 1, 2017/Netflix)
“Gary just married Samantha, only to find out that her 6-year-old son is the Antichrist.”

This horror comedy sounds fun/ny. But if the kid is the son of the Antichrist, does that men Samantha is the Mom Antichrist, or is this one of those, “it takes a village” things?

Hellriser

HELLRISER (October 9, 2017/UK)
“When their city is rocked by a series of brutal occult murders, veteran detective John Locke and his young partner Terri Keyes are forced to put aside their differences and follow the trail of evidence to a formerly abandoned asylum, where the new owner Dr. Unnseine is conducting his own brand of Nazi-inspired “medical research” on the unwilling inmates. One such inmate, the sexy but deadly Annie Dyer, may hold the key to the murders — and to the doorway to Hell itself — if only Locke and Keyes can stay alive long enough to discover what it is.”

Dawn of the Dead / Land of the Dead

As much as you’d think this is one of those Asylum Studio rip-offs, it is, unfortunately, from another source of rip-offery. Obviously, the title is lifted from Clive Barker’s Hellraiser (1987). Then there’s the “When there’s no more room in Hell…” kicker line on the key art, a bold shoplift from 1978’s Dawn of the Dead. Wondering why the filmmakers didn’t just put it all on the glass and have the zombies wearing Goth leather and walking around with nails in their heads, like those teens at the mall.

Hagazussa: A Heathen's Curse

HAGAZUSSA: A HEATHEN’S CURSE (2018)
“Set in the 15th Century in the Austrian Alps, Hagazussa takes us back to a dark period when pagan beliefs of witches spread fear into the minds of the rural folk exploring the thin line between ancient beliefs, magic and delusional psychosis.”

Ancient beliefs, magic and delusional psychosis. That may be f’d up for those in the Austrian Alps, but for me it’s just another night at The Poggie Tavern. I like witches, though. The sexy ones on TV, not the stinky kind at the bar who smell like room temperature Steel Reserve malt liquor.

Still/Born

STILL/BORN (2018)
“Mary, a new mother who lost one of her twins in childbirth, struggles with the loss. She starts to suspect something sinister is after her surviving child — a supernatural entity that has chosen her child and will stop at nothing to take it from her.”

They kinda hand this one to us one a parsley-garnished platter — the “supernatural entity” is the twin that didn’t make it to market. (A theory, not a conclusion.) By the way, do you want me to tell you what you’re getting for Christmas?

Godzilla Bombs, Demon Police, Head App

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Bigfoot, Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 15, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Oxygen Destroyer

Been keeping an i-ball (heh) open for continuing information on the 2019 Godzilla movie, which is scheduled to include G-foes Mothra, Rodan and King Ghidorah. Recently leaked is the news that this kaiju rodeo is flashing respect to the original Godzilla movie (1954) with the inclusion of the famous Oxygen Destroyer, the science water bomb (made by the FIRST Dr. Serizawa) that melted Godzilla’s flesh off his super-sized bones. That Godzilla somehow came back to life and starred in a plethora of sequels is probably noteworthy.

Speaking of bombs, will the new Oxygen Destroyer be able to  stop the new Godzilla ’n super friends from turning the Earth’s landscape into garden mulch? While we all ponder that, here are a few upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that may or may not bomb at the box office…

Demon Hunter

DEMON HUNTER (August 15, 2017/VOD)
“Captured by police for questioning in the slaying of a man she claimed was a demon, Taryn Barker must prove her innocence, and the existence of demons. But when a cult captures the daughter of one of the detectives on the case, the police must trust, and unleash, this warrior on the Satanic group who are intent on bringing an ancient evil force into the world.”

Where would we be without demon hunters? I certainly don’t want to have to clean up those evil messes. I did enough of that as a bus station bathroom attendant.

Rememory

REMEMORY (August 24, 2017)
“The body and unexplained death of Gordon Dunn, a visionary scientific pioneer, is found shortly after the unveiling of his newest work: a device able to extract, record and play a person’s memories. Gordon’s wife, Carolyn, retreats into her house and cuts off contact with the outside world when a mysterious man shows up. After stealing the machine, he uses it to try and solve the mystery, beginning an investigation of memories that lead him to unexpected and dangerous places.”

A device that can record and playback memories probably isn’t science fiction (Apple™ is no doubt working on an iPhone™ app as we speak). I won’t be buying one — some memories are better left buried. Those I can remember, anyway.

House By The Lake

HOUSE BY THE LAKE (2017/2018)
“A struggling married couple try to reconnect at an idyllic lake house, but their relationship is tested when their young daughter begins to fixate on an imaginary friend that may or may not be real.”

Couldn’t be Bigfoot as he’s not imaginary. Her “friend” is likely one of those lake monsters. I hear they live in lakes. Wonder if Bigfoot has ever seen a lake monster during one of his frequent nature walks?

Boots On The Ground

BOOTS ON THE GROUND (2018)
“Five British soldiers try to stay alive on the last night of the Afghan War, facing not just the Taliban, but also supernatural forces more terrifying than anything they’ve encountered before.”

If anyone can take down a supernatural force, it’s the British. Just look at what Harry Potter was able to accomplish with a stick and a broom.

Wailing Wolf-Man

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Werewolves, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 13, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Face of the Screaming Werwolf

If you’ve seen 1964’s Face of the Screaming Werewolf and walked away confused as all heck, you’re not alone — Screaming Werewolf, made from parts of several different movies (La Momia Azteca/1957 and La Casa del Terror/1959), is a screaming mess, beside the fact it would’ve been better titled as The Screaming Werewolf Face. (Personal preference.)

Face of the Screaming Werewolf

The movie starts out with doctor-esque archaeologist guys hypnotizing a psychic chic (psy-chic — heh) who life regressions herself as a sacrificial Aztec test dummy. This leads the history dudes to an Aztec pyramid, where they discover and bring back a two mummies (but no daddies — heh). Right here we have several problems — one of the crusty corpses is the sacrificed Aztec gal and the other a regular guy who happens to be a werewolf. How an American werewolf ended up mummified in Mexico is just part of this “movie’s” abstract premise. (Must’ve been a heckuva booze cruise, though.)

Face of the Screaming Werewolf

So they bring the mummies back and a mad scientist, whose lab is located through a secret door in the back of a horror wax museum, applies volts to jolt the man mummy back to life. With only a meager supply of electricity, the experiment fails. Nature steps in, supplying lightning and one heck of a utility bill. Prior to the power-up, his face looked he fell asleep in a bowl of pancake batter. And because it’s a full moon, his moon-beamed mug becomes covered in fur where there was no fur before. Nothin’ left to do now but go on a choking spree.

Face of the Screaming Werewolf

The werewolf runs out into traffic and doesn’t bark at even one car. Then he makes a girl faint, throws her over his shoulder like a sack of pancake flour brought to market, and climbs up the side of an apartment building, all the while being climb-pursued by one of the scientists. Then the werewolf climbs through a window and comes all the way back down to the street using the stairs. (He probably didn’t want to wait for the elevator.)

Face of the Screaming Werewolf

Meanwhile, the Aztec mummy comes back to life and goes after the psychic woman. The werewolf, now slingin’ a different chick who really put up a fight and even smashed a decorative vase over the monster’s head, brings her back to the wax museum. I have no idea why. The scientist throws chemicals around like holy water, starts a fire and battles the werewolf. Somehow the werewolf is bested and catches fire, which makes him turn back into man form, his shirt still buttoned tucked in as if prepping for a school photo. The cops show up to dismiss the numerous “werewolf” sightings as just a simple case of a man burning on the floor in front of them.

Face of the Screaming Werewolf

The werewolf looked werewolf-y enough, but his upper fangs were grimy and his lower fangs Pepsodent™ bright. He wore a belt to hold up his freshly ironed britches and kept shoes on the entire time. They were neatly tied. Didn’t know werewolves to be such fastidious dressers. Too bad the filmmaker didn’t follow suit. (Heh.)

Vampire Volcanoes, Christmas Zombies, Kaiju Sequels

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers, TV Vixens, UFOs, Vampires, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 9, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Van Helsing

Feeling super dissed about the TV series Van Helsing basing their vampire outbreak/resurgence on a super volcano (or “caldera”) that goes off in Yellowstone, which spans Wyoming, parts of Montana and Idaho. In the series’ second show the volcano pops its top and leaves a “black rain” of gunky ash all over Seattle and blocking out the sun, thus vampires. This is due to the direction the wind was blowing at the time the volcano was doing the same thing.

Super Volcano

The thing that really sets my pyroclastic flow a’flowin’ is that we already have FIVE volcanoes within GoPro™ distance from downtown Seattle, the two most notable being Mt. Rainier (where flying saucers were first spotted flying in carnival formation in 1947), and the feisty Mount St. Helens, which went off back in May 18 of 1980, and has been declared as “the most disastrous volcanic eruption in United States history.”

To the best of my knowledge, neither volcano unleashed a vampiric plague on this or any other city, and eventually the world — but they COULD HAVE. Why give all the credit to Yellowstone, which is 739.5 miles away (via I-90 West), when we can practically hitchhike to our own dang volcanoes? They can have all the Sharknados they want, but any plague/vampire/zombie/chapped lipped outbreak should come from here, not some overpriced park nearly 1,000 miles away.

Until I can form a formal rally against Yellowstone (feel free to donate to the cause), you can pass the time waiting for a vampire outbreak with these upcoming horror/sci-fi movies…

Volumes of Blood: Horror Stories

VOLUMES OF BLOOD: HORROR STORIES (available now)
“The story of this one centers around a young couple checking out a house for sale and taking the grand and gory tour given by a sketchy real estate agent. As they go through each room of the house, we’re able to see through flashbacks, the horrors that once unfolded and burned into the house’s horrible history. If those walls could talk, they wouldn’t; They would be traumatically catatonic. Each tragedy is associated with a holiday or some sort of special day which gives great context of each story.”

Love the premise. If my walls could talk, they’d probably tell me to give ’em a new coat of paint. Note to stupid walls: go sand yourself.

Amsterdamned

AMSTERDAMNED (August 29, 2017)
“A half-mad scuba diver hiding in Amsterdam’s labyrinthine canal system embarks on a rampage of gruesome murders, terrifying city officials and leaving few clues for the city’s best detective, who doesn’t suspect that both his new girlfriend and 12 year-old daughter may be closer than he is to finding the killer.”

Half-mad scuba diver should tell you everything you need to know about this cookie cutter Dutch-made slasher flick, which came out in its native zip code back in 1988. Now you can dog paddle watching it for the first time in the U.S. when it gets its official release here with all the bells and whistles. It’s aged about as well as me.

Anna And The Apocalypse

ANNA AND THE APOCALYPSE (Scotland/2017)
“Anna’s life is dominated by the typical concerns of her youthful peers until the Christmas season in her small town brings not Santa, but an outbreak of the undead in this genre-mashing holiday horror musical.”

There it is — two words that should never be paired to describe a movie: horror musical. The holiday undead? Fine. Everything else? All yours, Scotland.

Pacific Rim: Uprising

PACIFIC RIM: UPRISING (new release date: March 23, 2018)
“It has been 10 years since The Battle of the Breach and the oceans are still, but restless. Vindicated by the victory at the Breach, the Jaeger program has evolved into the most powerful global defense force in human history. The PPDC now calls upon the best and brightest to rise up and become the next generation of heroes when the Kaiju threat returns.”

Finally the official plot, though I believe the above key art is fan made (check out the movie’s release date — FAIL) and not issued officially. (If you’re gonna have giant monsters fighting giant robots, I’m thinkin’ you may wanna include that in some form or fashion.) Disclosure: I’ve been a part of the Jaeger program every since downing my first shot. Drinking a bottle of Jaegermeister™ makes me wanna fight giant monsters and…well, pretty much anything that looks at me sideways. (I’m gunning for that stupid table lamp that always seems to be mocking me.)

Sharks and Aliens

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Sharks with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 5, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Alien

A few amazing Alien movie posters created by designer David Graham, the guy behind those crazy wicked Meg (giant shark) key art. (I hope they use those art pieces for the final product — whenever if gets here — as they are pant-fillingly awesome.

Quick synopsis of the movies represented:

Alien

In Alien (1979), a guy goes to eat some space eggs, one hatches and a creature squirts out and affixes itself to the man’s facial face, goes down the hungry astronaut’s throat, where it grows to the point of the man throwing it up out of his chest. The bug later grows to pro basketball player size and dribbles acid all over the spaceship Nostromo and its crew. It doesn’t end well for anybody, to say nothing of putting you off on space eggs for breakfast. (Space toast remains a neutral breakfast choice.)

Meg

In Meg (in production as of right this minute), the world’s biggest shark (think submarine with gills) comes up from the bottom of the ocean to eat boats (crunchy), people (soft, but loud) and the military (like warheads are gonna stop a shark the size of a couple of buses Evel Knievel could jump over.) Now that I think about it, if he were alive, Evel Knievel would have made a fortune jumping his motorcycle over a giant stuntman eating shark in the greatest PPV of all time.

I would pay hard to see that.

Great Canadian Smoke-out, Poison Sharks, Teddy Bears

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Sharks, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 4, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Canada Smoke

For those not living in Seattle, we’ve been experiencing a heatwave combined with what is being described as having “the worst air quality than Bejing, Kolkata.” We can blame this on Canada as their wildfires, while making for some colorful, hippie sunsets, are sending their smoke across the border — without passports — and into our neighborhoods. Thanks a lot, Canada — just because your coins don’t work in our vending machines is no reason to smoke us out. (Some pranksters are using the photos of the burning haze to say it’s 4:20 in Seattle. That’s pretty funny.)

Bejing

A recent article in the Seattle Times had this to say about our horror weather: “Seattle’s air quality index was 156 on Thursday afternoon, which is considered unhealthy, according to AirNow. That’s worse than Los Angeles and several cities in China and India. Beijing’s air quality index was 80, Shanghai sat at 78, and Chongqing was ranked 65, all of which are considered moderate, according to the World Air Quality Index Project.”

I’m well prepared for this smokocalypse — I walk around with a designer scuba tank (Jaques Costeau logo on it— limited edition), so up yours World Air Quality Index Project. Speaking of being suffocated to death by a so-called friendly neighboring country, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make you choke…

Toxic Shark

TOXIC SHARK (August 4, 2017)
“A tropical singles retreat takes a terrifying turn when guests realize a poisonous shark is infesting the surrounding water. Not only will this toxic shark rip apart its victims, but it also uses projectile acid to hunt…in and out of the water!”

A shark that shoots projectile acid? Sounds like a mash-up of a great white shark and the Alien. Still, gotta like the premise. Set ‘em up, melt ‘em down. I bet the shark could turn ‘em into bowling trophies afterward.

Teddy Bears Picnic

TEDDY BEARS PICNIC (2017)
“Inspired by the 1907 melody of the same name, Teddy Bears Picnic re-envisions the childhood song as a nightmarish fable that twists the concept of childhood innocence.”

That song was written in 1907. You mean I haven’t been able to get that stupid song out of my head for 110 years? No wonder I drink daily.

Keep Watching

KEEP WATCHING (December 2017)
“When two deranged serial killers break into their home, a family has to stick together to make it out alive and unbeknown to them there are hidden cameras throughout their home documenting their every move.”

Having cameras everywhere is cheating, especially when one is need of a private, yet relaxing moment in the restroom. Only deranged serial killers would watch such footage. Probably upload it on YouTube™, too. That’s just being mean.

The Spanish Chainsaw Massacre

THE SPANISH CHAINSAW MASSACRE (release pending)
“A heavy metal band named The Metal Dicks are touring to promote their first record. While driving to their next concert location their van gets a flat tire so they have to spend the night in a small, local town. The next day the town is having a festival to celebrate their patron saints day and the mayor of the town asks The Metal Dicks to join in with the festival. The band accept the mayor’s offer unaware of the dangers that lie ahead.”

Great band name. I wish to own all their album. I have a feeling, though, they may not be around long to record a second one. Maybe take all their unfinished demos and release ‘em under the title, Bits ‘n Pieces.

Empire Sharks, Hockey Masks, Murderous Moms

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Sharks, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 3, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Quiet Room Bears

Saw this mash-up of a Care Bear and Pennywise from It on eBay™, Think the going price is around $300. Not sure I want that hideous thing sitting in a corner, visually tasting my flesh. Still, it might keep solicitors from bugging my doorbell.

While I try and drum up $300, here are a few upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that may or may not scare the cotton out of you…

Empire of the Sharks

EMPIRE OF THE SHARKS (August 5, 2017/SyFy)
“In the future, most of Earth is covered by water and the only land is controlled by a warlord and his army of sharks. Humans are kept as food for the sharks until two friends risk their lives to rise against their captor and his legion of sharks.”

Sounds like Waterworld (1995) but with the more eating of humans. So yeah, YET ANOTHER Rent-A-Centershark horror movie. These types of shark flicks are usually just bad video games. If you want a real shark movie that’ll make you pollute the water, try The Reef (2010). Just thinking about it is making me need to hide in the safety of my bathroom — until someone comes up with Toilet Sharks.

To Hell And Back

TO HELL AND BACK: THE KANE HODDER STORY
(August, 2017/England Film Fest)

To Hell and Back is a harrowing story of a stuntman overcoming a dehumanizing childhood filled with torment and bullying in Sparks, Nevada. After surviving a near-death burn accident, he worked his way up through Hollywood, leading to his ultimate rise as Jason Voorhees in the Friday the 13th series and making countless moviegoers forever terrified of hockey masks and summer camp. After decades of watching Kane Hodder on screen, get ready to meet the man behind the mask in To Hell and Back – n uniquely human story about one of cinema’s most vicious monsters.”

Kane Hodder, as many know, is the 6’4” monster behind such monsters as Jason Voorhees in Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood (1988), Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan (1989), Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday (1993), Jason X (2001), and as the deformed serial killer Victor Crowley in Hatchet (2006), Hatchet II (2010), and Hatchet III (2013). I say cast Hodder in the new Mary Poppins Returns 2018 remake — that’ll keep that persnickety b*tch from trying to teach the world manners.

Axeman 2: Overkill

AXEMAN 2: OVERKILL (October 17, 2017)
“When a band of crazed evangelicals, bank robbers and vigilantes descend upon Cutter’s Creek, there’s only one local legend that can separate them. And dismember them.”

Seems pretty cut ‘n dry to me — heh. Not really a fan of chop shop horror, but hey, crazed evangelicals and bank robbers need to taste the business end of the axe.

Mon And Dad

MOM AND DAD (2017/2018)
“A teenage girl and her little brother must survive a wild 24 hours during which a mass hysteria of unknown origins causes parents to turn violently on their own kids.”

It’s called parenting for a reason. This is what happens when you don’t clean your room. Speaking of, I’m gonna go do that right now as mom’s in town with a few days to kill.