Killer Clay, Killer Curse, Killer Grunge Rock

You can do a lot of things with clay — wad it up and throw it at people, stuff it in your ears to block out the neighbor who just won’t lay off the leaf-blower, shape it like a turd and leave it next to the bathroom toilet… But UK artist Lizzie Campbell, a clay artist and illustrator, uses it to create classic horror movie posters. And hey, they stick to the walls without tacks or nails.

Clay Disarray: Clay Art & Illustration, Lizzie’s website, is loaded with super creative clay horror movie “posters”: Day of the Dead, They Live, The Witch, Carrie, IT, Salem’s Lot and a lot more. She even recreates classic art (The Scream, Mona Lisa) and historical figures (Henry VIII, The Beatles) in colorful polymer clay. The best part is she has a YouTube™ channel (click here) where you can watch here create the art and even offers tutorials, though once you master the clay turd, you’re pretty much at the top of your game.

So while we all go back to playing with our Silly Putty™, here are a few out now/upcoming horror movies that may or may not belong next to — or in — a bathroom toilet…

HALF DEAD FRED / Out now (Amazon Prime Video™)

“A mysterious murder takes place in Flint, Michigan and medium detective Freddy Nash is on the case. Years ago Fred was victim to a fatal car accident that left not only Fred but his 9-year-old son dead. A few seconds after his death he came back to life in the hospital. Since this traumatic accident he has acquired the ability to see the dead. The case turns out to be much more than a murder.”

This premise was used nearly 25 years ago in The Sixth Sense (1999). And all those ghosts in that movie? Still around.

SKARECROW: THE CURSE NEVER DIES / March 28, 2023 (DVD)

“When the vile James Brothers murder an innocent woman to take over her land, her dying breath places a curse on the family through a scarecrow. Years later, a descendant of the James family has taken his friends to the old cabin for the weekend. They soon find the curse and the scarecrow are still wanting blood.”

For the James family descendants, it’ll be the last…straw. Comedy gold, right there.

BLISS OF EVIL / Release pending 2023 (VOD, DVD)

“A sound engineer is forced to confront her trauma when she and her girlfriend’s grunge band are trapped in a recording studio by a shadowy killer.”

Too bad Screaming Life was already used by a grunge band (Soundgarden). Seems like it’d be the perfect album title for these grungers given the circumstances.

HOMESTEAD / Release Pending 2023 (VOD)

“A family of homesteaders taken captive by a gang of outlaws. Their survival comes to rest in the hands of Irene, a loud-mouthed 12-year-old girl who’s got an uncanny knack for shooting guns.”

Yeah, I didn’t think this was a horror movie, either. However, Homestead is being described as a “nail-biting mesh of Rob Zombie’s House of 1000 Corpses (2003) and the hit Yellowstone spin-off 1883.” They had me at mesh.

Glazed Gorilla, Bearly Evil, Ghost Criminals

In King Kong vs. Godzilla, the 1962 kaiju classic dust up, there was the hilariously memorable and infamous scene where Kong gets drunk as a mecha-skunk and passes out, his bar tab covered by jungle natives. This is so he can be taken passively to Japan for promotional purposes and ends up in a smackdown with Godzilla, who is a total teetotaler. (The outcome depended on whether you live in the US or Japan.) Now you can get a Drunk Kong action (or would that be non-action) figure and get your jungle boogie on.

From TemptingToysandCollectibles.com website: “Rotokaiju drunk King Kong 1962 30cm Vinyl figure fully built and painted (made in 2020). This limited version was completely built and painted by the manufacturer and has the ‘drunk’ Kong face and three Suma Juice jars.” Drunk Kong stands 12” inches tall — or 12” long when he’s laying in the gutter, stinking of Suma Juice highballs. That’s the fun news. The opposite of that is Drunk Kong costs $1,999.00. (Conversely, a six-pack of Suma Juice is only $1.00._ Spend your money here.

The way they transport Drunk Kong off Faro Island was genius, strapping him to hot air balloons and gently escorting the drunky monkey off the premises. FYI: If you plan on chugging down a few jars of Suma Juice (called Soma Juice on the box and Farolacton Juice on Kong’s island), be sure and have a designated balloon handler to get you home — don’t drink and float.

So while we head to the Faro Island’s corner liquor store to stock up on Farolacton Juice and become a party animal, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make your head swell up like a balloon…

ADALYNN / March 28, 2023 (VOD)

“A mother is fighting postpartum depression and slipping over the edge. It becomes hard to distinguish where depression ends and her nightmares turn real as she and her newborn are haunted by a stalker unlike any other.”

Probably a demonic nanny/babysitter. I had one. She let me get away with murder.

NIGHT OF THE KILLER BEARS / April 18, 2023 (VOD)

“After not seeing each other for a long time, five teenage friends living in Bangkok go on a vacation together, staying at a quiet resort isolated from the city. Things take a dark turn when it’s revealed each of them have hidden secrets, and unbeknown to the group, there is someone observing them. When one of them ends up brutally murdered, paranoia and distrust surrounds the group, motivating each remaining member to accuse each other of being the murderer or considering the possibility that the real murderer is the unseen presence observing them, and that they all are in danger.”

Bears are the new sharks in horror movies recently, what with the moderate successes of Cocaine Bear (2023), Winnie-The-Pooh: Blood and Honey (2023). But for really scare bears, that chemical pollution-mutated one in The Prophecy (1979) and the alien-mutated one in Annihilation (2018) are both pretty…grizzly.

LEGEND OF THE WHITE DRAGON / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Erik Reed, The White Dragon, has returned home to Virtuo City three years later after being defeated in a colossal battle against the ancient overlord, Ashtagor. The crystal he used to become the White Dragon was broken in two as a result of the epic battle, both pieces were subsequently lost. Being blamed for the destruction and collateral lives lost, his identity was outed after the battle thus making him a fugitive from the law. We now follow Erik on his journey as he teams up with treasure hunters from the past who help him reclaim his power as the White Dragon. Once reunited with his powers, he and his team are now ready to battle a new threat, Dragon Prime, who seeks revenge against the White Dragon and try and defeat Dragon Prime in order to get one step closer to clearing his name and being able to protect his family from an ancient evil that still lurks in the darkness — Ashtagor.”

A lot going on here. Then again, the trailer explodes with spaceships, punching violence, future bikinis, ancient overlords with dumb names, revenge glares and costumes that look more at home in a 1980s video game. So yeah, I’ll watch the movie.

DEADLAND / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A U.S. Border Patrol Agent tries to apprehend the ghost of his father, a grave decision that will haunt him forever.”

Related or not, ghost criminals are the worst because it’s near to impossible to keep ’em in jail, what with being able to walk through walls ’n stuff.

Escaping Clowns, Kung fu Sharks, Space Garbage

While there are some really awesome escape room adventures — Saw and Evil Dead being at the top of that list — Warner Bros.™, Discovery Global Themed Entertainment™ and Egan Escape Productions™ look to top themselves with Escape IT Chapter Two — a Pennywise the Dancing Clown themed escape room challenge. And no need to go to Derry to clown around— it’s opening in Las Vegas later in 2023, which I believe is this year.

From Egan Escape Productions™ press release: “This thrilling experience features scenes from the first film, with the players immediately thrown in to aid in the search for the missing children of Derry. There’s no turning back as guests put their skills and critical thinking to the test, navigating some of the films’ most iconic locations including the infamous Neibolt House, Quality Meats, the Three Doors room, the Clown Funeral Room and even the sewer tunnels below Derry, all while trying to escape the clutches of Pennywise the Dancing Clown.”

Escape IT Chapter One is already open for pant-filling thrills. But Chapter Two promises 30,000 square feet, 20 interactive room, state-of-the-art special FX, lighting, animatronics and live actors. There’s also carnival-styled midway games and a full-scale It themed retail store complete with photo ops and exclusive custom merchandise. I hope they’ll be selling red balloons — I just love those things. Get affordable tickets here.

While we change our vacation plans from Derry to Vegas, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be made better with red balloons… 

NINJA VS. SHARK / April 14, 2023 (Released in Japan only)

“The slaughtered corpses of villagers are found on the remote area beach in Okitsu village. Samejiro Mizuchi, the leader of the heresy group Koumashu, uses ninjutsu to force sharks to collect pearls from the villagers in order to gain the power of immortality. Frustrated by this situation, the village chief goes to see Kotaro Shiozaki, a bodyguard at a temple on the outskirts of the village, to ask for help. Kotaro accepts the job with a reward, but a female ninja named Kikuma appears in his path. Kotaro challenges Sameshirou to save the villagers, but what appears in front of him is a gigantic shark that doesn’t seem to be of this world.”

You can achieve immortality through pearls? Do you mix ‘em with a protein shake or just swallow ’em like marbles? Pearls don’t seem very chewable, but hey, if it’ll allow me to live forever so I can continue to pay taxes (which I just love to do) I’ll give it a shot.

MRS. DAVIS / April 20, 2023 (Peacock™)

“A nun who goes to battle against an all-powerful Artificial Intelligence known as Mrs. Davis is an exploration of faith vs. technology, an epic battle of biblical and binary proportions.”

A.I. or not, you do not wanna mess with nuns — they regularly hang out with God, and if you mess with the sistas, all holy hell will break loose.

SPACE WARS — QUEST FOR THE DEEPSTAR / April 21, 2023 (Theaters), May 2, 2023 (VOD)

“A father-daughter team of space scavengers must race against a band of evil mercenaries to reach the legendary treasures on board a lost mythical freighter.”

Pffft — space scavenger is just a fancy way of saying garbage collector.

BIRTH/REBIRTH / Release pending 2023/2024 (VOD)

“A morgue technician successfully reanimates the body of a little girl, but to keep her breathing, she will need to harvest biological materials from pregnant women. When the girl’s mother, a nurse, discovers her baby alive, they enter into a deal that forces them both down a dark path of no return.”

Harvesting “biological material” from pregnant women? I seriously don’t wanna know what that is — and this coming from a guy who eats freshness-expired tuna.

6 Inches of Terror, Digital Death, Jackie The Ripper

NECA™, maker of fine horror toys, has three must-have figures coming out in August of 2023. Using an abacus (calculator that doesn’t need batteries or plugged in), I determined that to be a little less than six months from the date of this posting. (I’ll have to get back to you on today’s date — I think I broke my abacus while calculating last month’s bar tab.) NECA™, who previously brought us fun figurines like Elvira, Herbert West (Re-Animator), The Miner (My Bloody Valentine), Freddy Krueger (The Brady Bunch), Universal Monsters and measurable tons more, is adding Vampira, Svengoolie and Captain Spaulding to their vast inventory.

According to NECA’s™ addictive website: “Bring the fun of Saturday morning cartoons to your horror collection with the adorable little creeps of Toony Terrors, NECA’s™ line of stylized horror icons! Standing approximately 6” tall, the Series 8 action figure assortment includes Captain Spaulding (House of 1000 Corpses) with alternate head, Vampira with skull, and Svengoolie. Each figure comes in blister card packaging with a bonus cutout backdrop.” (Preorder here).

While we chuck once-cherished family heirlooms cluttering up valuable shelf space to make room for these under $20 figures, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not have been made with a budget determined by a working abacus… 

GHOST WEBCAM / Available now (Tubi™)

“While under house arrest, Nate goes on a virtual date with a woman who appears to get murdered on camera. He needs to find out if it’s real or a hoax.”

Virtual dating seems so 2022. There are pros and cons, though, the best part being is when you get a data date to show you her binarys and you put your hardware into her software. Click and a promise.

THE GHOST WITHIN / March 17, 2023 (VOD)

“Margot revisits her family home, desperate to uncover who killed her sister Evie 20 years earlier. As she gets closer to the truth, Margot finds herself facing her deepest fears in the house that’s still haunted by Evie’s ghost.”

She died 20 years earlier and now you’re desperate to solve your sister’s murder? Sounds more like, “I’ll get around to it eventually, sis.”  

SLASHER: RIPPER / April 6, 2023 (Shudder™, AMC+™)

“Basil Garvey, a charismatic tycoon whose success is only rivaled by his ruthlessness, oversees a city on the cusp of a new century and a social upheaval that will see its streets run red with blood. There’s a killer stalking the mean streets, but instead of targeting the poor and downtrodden like Jack the Ripper, The Widow is meting out justice against the rich and powerful. The only person standing in the way of this killer is the newly promoted detective, Kenneth Rijkers, whose ironclad belief in justice may wind up being yet another victim of The Widow.”

Kinda like the bloodletting version of Robin Hood (1950). If The Widow is only going after the rich and powerful, I can safely leave my doors unlocked.

BROOKLYN 45 / Release pending 2023 (Shudder™)

“Friday, December 27, 1945. Five military veterans gather in the ornate parlour of a Brooklyn brownstone. Best friends since childhood, they’ve reunited to support their troubled host. But when his invitation for cocktails turns into an impromptu séance, the metaphoric ghosts of their past become all-too-literal. Trapped in their host’s lounge, the Greatest Generation now finds themselves put to one final test, with their only route to freedom being more bloodshed.”

Soldiers vs. Specters. Army vs. Apparitions. Platoon vs. Poltergeists. Brigade vs. Banshees. I could do this for another three minutes.

Frolicking Kaiju, Clay Sharks, Teenage Death Trap

Going back to the medieval days of 1997, there were three-minute campy film shorts under the title of Godzilla Island (250 in all), but you had to temporarily visit and/or live in Japan to see ’em. But wait — you can watch ’em on YouTube™ in the US for free right now. And yes, they’re subtitled. Whew — now I can understand the screaming of fleeing Japanese citizens in a language I’m somewhat familiar with.

Behold — the details: “Travel to Godzilla Island and enjoy the antics of your favorite kaiju such as Mothra, Rodan, Ghidorah, and of course, Godzilla in the 1997 short-form series. The year is 2097. Monsters live and frolic on Godzilla Island under the watchful eye of G Guard, a human peacekeeping force. But with a massive, belligerent UFO heading straight for the island, how long can that peace last? Episodes of Godzilla Island will be released every Tuesday and Thursday (click here).”

While we contemplate what a belligerent UFO is exactly, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be better suited in a three-minute format… 

THE RESURRECTION OF CHARLES MANSON / March 16, 2023 (VOD)

“A couple goes to the desert for a romantic weekend and shoots an audition for a role in an upcoming film. Their holiday quickly turns deadly as they are the target of a cult that carries on the evil beliefs and murderous practices of the Manson Family. This cult believes they can resurrect the ultimate object of their obsession — Charles Manson himself — through a shocking ritual of human sacrifice.”

All quality cults live in the desert. And the woods. And that scummy apartment building right next to mine.

JURASSIC SHARK 3: SEAVENGE / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A reporter, cameraman, and some petty thieves are stranded in a boat out on the ocean. The only thing that stands between them and their lives is a 50-foot prehistoric megalodon shark. They must all pull together to survive.”

According to my investigative research (Wikipedia™), the estimated maximum length of a megalodon is 67 feet. This means this movie’s megalodon, at 50 feet long, is a bit on the short side. In other words, this shark is a…shrimp.

COCAINE SHARK / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A mafia drug lord has unleashed a new, highly addictive stimulant on the streets called HT25, derived from sharks held captive in a secret lab, and which causes monstrous side effects. After an explosion and leak at the lab, an army of mutated, bloodthirsty sharks and other creatures are set loose on the world as a small band of people try to stop the carnage.”

I watched the trailer — the mutated bloodthirsty sharks are made of clay. Highly addictive clay.

THE WRATH OF BECKY / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Two years after she escaped a violent attack on her family, Becky attempts to rebuild her life in the care of an older woman — a kindred spirit named Elena. But when a group known as the ‘Noble Men’ break into their home, attack them, and take her beloved dog, Diego, Becky must return to her old ways to protect herself and her loved ones.”

Kinda like Home Alone (1990), but with more slaughtering.

Artful Evil, Hell University, Inheriting a Monster

Fans of The Evil Dead franchise will simply soil themselves over this soil-inducing Evil Dead II poster, designed by UK artist, James Bousema. It makes you wanna buy a chainsaw and go swimming in blood.

And hey — you can buy it! Here are the details: “Limited to 175 prints, 24” x 36” inches (approx 61 x 91 cm), and hand-numbered lithograph on 300gsm GF Smith Accent uncoated paper. The poster sells for $49.00.” Totally affordable, though I have no idea what 300gsm GF Smith Accent means. Probably a British thing.

Evil Dead II (aka, Evil Dead 2: Dead By Dawn) came out in 1987 and is considered both a remake and a sequel of 1981’s The Evil Dead, wherein five friends travel to a cabin in the woods where they unknowingly release flesh-possessing demons. What else are they gonna do? Smoke illegal drugs and drink beer and throw the empties in the bushes? Kids back then were so reckless. And poorly dressed.

So while we weigh the pros and cons of buying the poster (click this) or go shopping for a chainsaw (click this), here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not be swimming in blood…

SUMMONING SYLVIA / March 31, 2023 (Limited) April 7, 2023 (VOD)

“A gay bachelor party that takes a spooky turn when sinister spirits are suddenly summoned. The warm and whimsical Larry has been kidnapped by his three best friends for a bachelor weekend getaway at a haunted house. As they sashay through the Victorian corridors, the comrades recount the house’s legend from a hundred years ago: a murderous woman named Sylvia slaughtered her son and buried him beneath the floorboards. All seems fine and spooky until Larry’s ultra-straight brother-in-law crashes the proceedings.”

If you bury anybody under the floorboards, you’re gonna go through a LOT of Frebreze™.

YOU’RE KILLING ME / April 7, 2023 (VOD)

“Eden goes to a coveted Heaven and Hell party, hoping to get a letter of recommendation to an elite university from the wealthy parents of her classmate, but the party quickly turns into a fight for her life.”

Wonder what kinds of snacks would be at a Heaven and Hell party? Angel food cake and Deviled eggs, I would imagine. I could go for both.

THE TANK / April 21, 2023 (Limited) April 25, 2023 (VOD)

“After mysteriously inheriting an abandoned coastal property, Ben and his family accidentally unleash an ancient, long-dormant creature that terrorized the entire region — including his own ancestors — for generations.”

Inheriting a free coastal property AND a long dormant creature? Score!

THE ELDERLY / Release pending 2023/2024 (VOD)

“Rosa commits suicide, which is the catalyst for the progressive physical and mental deterioration of Manuel, her elderly husband. Mario, his son, decides to bring him to live with his family, despite the fierce opposition of his new wife, who’s expecting a baby. Naia, his teenage granddaughter, is the only one who trusts Manuel, whose dementia is getting worse and worse by the day. The family’s new living situation will continue to go rapidly downhill, until it literally becomes a matter of life and death, leading to a dramatic denouement, which will take place on the hottest night of the century.

Sounds like a sitcom: Father Doesn’t Know Best.

Legendary Lagoon, Medical Mayhem, Deathless Drink

Sad to report the passing of Ricou Browning (February 16, 1930 – February 28, 2023), better known as the creature in Creature from the Black Lagoon (1954, filmed in 3D), one of the greatest monsters and monster movies of all time. So much so, the Gill-Man joined the Universal Monster Hall of Fame alongside Frankenstein, Dracula, The Wolf Man and The Mummy. (The Invisible Man wasn’t included because he was nowhere to be found.) Rico reprised his fishy role by returning for the sequels Revenge of the Creature (1955) and The Creature Walks Among Us (1956). 

Playing the iconic Gill-Man was just one of Rico’s many water-enhanced talents. He created the 1963 TV series Flipper and directed 37 episodes, worked as a stunt man on 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea (1954), played all the bad guys in Sea Hunt (1958 – 1961), directed the harpoon-filled fight in the James Bond movie Thunderball (1965) and the Jaws-inspired candy bar-in-the-pool sequence in Caddyshack (1980). He was even a stand-in for Johnny Weissmuller on Tarzan films. Pretty much the coolest resume ever.

In a 2013 interview, Sir Browning talked about his role in Creature From The Black Lagoon: “I filmed my scenes in wintertime and it was pretty cold. The crew felt sorry for me, so somebody said, ‘How would you like a shot of brandy?’ I said, ‘Sure!’ Pretty soon they were dealing with a drunk creature.” Browning also said his legendary costume was cumbersome at first. ‘When I first put it on, it seemed awkward and clumsy. But once I got into the movie, I forgot I had it on. I became the creature.’”

While we go back and re-watch all the Creature movies and marvel at how Ricou could easily hold his breath for four minutes at a time, here are some upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/TV series that may or may not be as expertly directed as the candy-bar-in-the-pool scene in Caddyshack…

DEAD RINGERS / April 21, 2023 (Amazon Prime Video™)

“In this series, Rachel Weisz plays the dual roles of Elliot and Beverly Mantle, “twins who share everything: drugs, lovers, and an unapologetic desire to do whatever it takes — including pushing the boundaries of medical ethics — in an effort to challenge antiquated practices and bring women’s health care to the forefront.”

The original Dead Ringers came out in 1988, with the dual doc role being handled by Jeremy Irons, Batman’s butler in Justice League (2017/2021). Not sure why he gave up being a gynecologist with the best seat in the house to polish Batman’s batarang.

THE BURNED OVER DISTRICT / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A grieving man discovers that the seemingly quiet town is hiding a very terrifying secret. Now he must find a way to overcome his grief and fight back against the darkness that has consumed the town and its people.”

Wonder what the man could be grieving about? Maybe because the town shared its terrifying secret with everybody but him. If my town did that to me, I’d be griefing all over the place

DIVINITY Release pending 2023 (Theaters)

“Set in an otherworldly human existence where the creation of a groundbreaking immortality serum named Divinity is wreaking havoc. Jaxxon Pierce, the creator’s son, now controls and manufactures his father’s once-benevolent dream, and society on the barren planet has been entirely perverted by the supremacy of the drug. However, when two mysterious brothers arrive with a plan to abduct the mogul with the help of a seductive woman named Nikita, everyone will be set on a path hurtling toward true immortality.”

Divinity is a dumb name for an immortality serum. You’d get far more marketing zing if they named it Sir Lives-a-Lot or No Time To Die or Deathus Interruptus or To Be Continued or…

POV / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A suburban couple attempt to survive a home invasion on the most dangerous night of the year.”

If your home is being invaded, doesn’t that qualify as the most dangerous night of the year? A possible exception might be if you lived at the foot of an annually erupting volcano filled with lava bees. Or Christmas.

Butcher Burger, Hosiery Horror, Frog God

Paramount Pictures™ and Spyglass Media Group™ are pulling out all marketing stops to promote Scream VI (releasing March 10, 2023), the latest in the horror franchise that started in 1996, and unlike the knife-wielding Ghostface’s victims, just won’t die. (Refresher course: Scream is a slasher franchise that includes six films, a television series, merchandise, and games. The film series has grossed over $740 million in worldwide.)

So what Paramount™ and Spyglass™ did was team up with Chain Restaurant™, a fast food, uh, chain, to offer the Stabby Meal, a slasher twist on McDonald’s Happy Meal™. And it’s available now (for a limited time) in West Hollywood and other participating Chain™ eateries. 

So what is in the Stabby Meal? From Thrillist: “The Extremely Medium Sized Bone Marrow ChainBurger comes as a half-pound bone marrow beef patty topped with American cheese, pickles, onions, ketchup, mustard, and Chain’s™ umami seasoning blend all on a poppy seed bun. The Throwback Fries are simple, classic fries done right. And then Woodsboro Orchards Warm Apple Pie is, of course, a take on McDonald’s Baked Apple Pie™, a hand-held cylinder of hot apples and cinnamon. And yes, Stabby Meal toys are even included in the mix. Several Scream VI pins are available inside the Stabby Meal boxes, which are sure to become hot collector’s items among fans.”

So while test the limits of our gastronomical tract and try one of these Stabby Meals, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not give you crippling indigestion…

FROM BLACK / April 14, 2023 (Shudder™)

“A young mother, crushed by guilt after the disappearance of her young son five years previously, is presented with a bizarre offer to learn the truth and set things right. But how far is she willing to go, and is she willing to pay the terrifying price for a chance to hold her boy again?”

Why put yourself through all that? Just go buy a new kid, preferably one with a return policy.

THE BLACKENING / June 16, 2023 (Theaters, VOD)

“A group of Black friends reunite for a Juneteenth weekend getaway only to find themselves trapped in a remote cabin with a twisted killer. Forced to play by his rules, the friends soon realize this ain’t no motherf****** game.”

There’s no call for those kind of asterisks. This is a family blog, dang it. Darn you…darn you all to heck.

CRUST / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Vegas Winters, a lonely laundromat owner, keeps the leftover socks from customers and uses them to clean himself. When he gets abused and weeps into the pile of socks, it turns into a creature who seeks revenge on Vegas’ enemies.”

Props for coming up with a plot so…different…no one will want to copy it. Ever.

THE GOD OF FROGS / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“Deep in the heart of the jungle exists an elemental creature with an eternal hunger, and every 25 years, it emerges: a woman is eaten alive in 1969, a film crew goes missing in 1994, a politician explodes live on television in 2019, and a multinational corporation goes up in flames in 2044. Terror ensues in this ecological horror film.”

Sounds like the hip hop version of Jeepers Creepers (2001).

Monochrome Kaiju, Purging Priest, Aliens Hate Raves

It was a huge national debate after the movie Godzilla (aka, Gojira) premiered in 1954 — is the monster green or some sort of skid mark brown? No one could tell as Godzilla was a black and white movie. (Given Godzilla’s reptile lineage, green was the side of the street most people stood on.)

Now, with the release of Mezco Toys™ Kaiju Collective Godzilla (1954) Black and White Edition Figure, the argument can finally be settled — the famous monster is…DARK GREY. And Mezco Toys™ is replicating our favorite colorless monster with this figure straight out of 1954.

From EntertainmentEarth’s press release (that’s where you can buy one or more for $140.00): “The Kaiju Collective Godzilla (1954) features an all-new seamless body designed with an internal skeleton armature that is durable yet highly posable, a hinged jaw that opens and closes, and is approximately 8” tall and 12” from teeth to tail. The beastly behemoth comes with interchangeable hands that allow him to hold his included accessories like a jet plane and railway. The included dilapidated building replicas, military tanks, canons, and heat ray FX assist in recreating a multitude of unique display options.” EntertainmentEarth.com is taking preorders (click here) for a December 2023 fulfillment date — just in time for me to be Christmas-gifted with one ‘o these action figures.  

So while we all purge our lives of all things hippie day-glo color and immerse ourselves in black and white (if it’s good enough for Godzilla, it’s good enough for EVERYONE), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make you turn green or some sort of skid mark brown…

BOSTON STRANGLER / March 17, 2023 (Hulu™)

“Loretta McLaughlin, a reporter for the Record-American newspaper, becomes the first journalist to connect the Boston Strangler murders. As the mysterious killer claims more and more victims, Loretta attempts to continue her investigation alongside colleague and confidante Jean Cole, yet the duo finds themselves stymied by the rampant sexism of the era. Nevertheless, McLaughlin and Cole bravely pursue the story at great personal risk, putting their own lives on the line in their quest to uncover the truth.”

That super mean Boston Strangler guy murdered 13 women back in the ‘60s in Boston of all places. He (you already know who BS is) died in 1973, ironically from choking on Ladies’ Fingers.

THE POPE’S EXORCIST / April 14, 2023 (Theaters)

“Portrayal of a real-life figure Father Gabriele Amorth, a priest who acted as chief exorcist of the Vatican and who performed more than 100,000 exorcisms in his lifetime. (He passed away in 2016 at the age of 91.) Amorth wrote two memoirs — An Exorcist Tells His Story and An Exorcist: More Stories — and detailed his experiences battling Satan and demons that had clutched people in their evil.”

Some hellish math goin’ on here. If Father Gabriele Amorth performed more than 100,000 stated exorcisms during his 60 year+ headlining appearance at the Vatican Soul Food Bar & Grill, this means he would have had to do 1,666.666 demon-shooing procedures a year. That comes out to 4.56 exorcisms every day for six decades. No Saturday or Sunday nights off, no holidays, company parties or booze cruises. Just an assembly line of evil begone. 

Statistically, the Vatican’s “quantity over quality” chi-scrubbing means there’s likely a LOT of still demon-infected people who could have a case for a refund…and maybe some of those surprisingly delicious communion crackers priests love to hand out like blessed parking tickets.

COLD BLOWS THE WIND / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Dean and Tasha’s first mistake was driving drunk. Their second, hitting a jogger. Their third, driving out to a remote location to bury the body. Tensions build between them as they can’t agree about anything along the way. When a mysterious visitor arrives offering not to tell anyone about the body they buried in exchange for protection, their night goes from bad to worse. Will the two of them be able to work together to make it back home? Or will the rift between them lead to even more horrific mistakes?”

Reminds me of the old joke: “If you don’t like the way I drive, then stay off the sidewalk.” A day doesn’t go by where I don’t LOL over that one.

BLUE LIGHT / Release pending, 2023 (VOD)

“Seven childhood friends excitedly embark on a road trip in an old RV to the coolest underground music festival out there – Blue Light. It will turn into a nightmare journey for which there is no U-turn for survival. They will carry the scars of the experience for the rest of their lives — if they survive.”

A UFO movie. So the gang sees the UFO, thinks it’s festival rave lights, and get out of the RV and start dancing like they were idiot-streaming on TikTok™. Horrified, the aliens see this, then vaporize the party-goers with some sort of hi-tech vape-o-beam. I just spoiled the plot for you. Sorry, not sorry.

Board With Friday the 13th, Marvelous Captains, Ginger Cannibal

In an homage to Friday the 13th (the iconic slasher horror movie that came out in 1980 and spawned 11 sequels, reboots, regurgitations), Antonio Ferrara and Sebastiano Fiorillo have created Last Friday, a board game that harkens back to F13’s enduring summer camp body count. And thanks to copyright obstacles, the game takes place at Camp Apache (standing in for Camp Crystal Lake), which is stalked by a mysterious killer referred to as the Maniac, suiting up for Jason Voorhees. Fortunately for the game developers, a hockey mask and machete can’t be copyrighted. 

Available through Ares Games™, Last Friday goes a little something like this: “Last Friday is a board game for 2-6 players wherein one player is the Maniac, hunting down (and sometimes fleeing from) the other players in a series of one-versus-all scenarios.”

Ooh, there’s more: “The game is divided into four chapters, each taking approximately 30 to 45 minutes to play. But players won’t just be retreading the same scenario four times. Each chapter presents a shift in the objective and even the roles of the hunter and the hunted, creating a cinematic trajectory appropriate to the game’s celluloid inspiration.” Glad they addressed that since Friday The 13th’s premise is classically repetitive beyond the point of parody (see “one billion F13 knockoffs.”) 

So while we get the game ($45.60 on Amazon™) and hope it isn’t a one-punch line premise, here are a few out now/upcoming horror sci-fi-fantasy adventure movies that may or may not have been edited with a non-copyright machete…

JANUARY / Out now (VOD)

“Who in their right minds goes into the woods in winter? Who knows what beasts roam in the snow? Two men and a bird, trapped in a snowstorm in the middle of nowhere, try to solve a mystery while it slowly devours them.”

This one’s in black and white and subtitled. I suck at multi-tasking, so it’s gotta be one or the other. (Because of that, I barely made it through the trailer.)

SHAZAM: FURY OF THE GODS / March 17, 2023 (Theaters)

“Billy Batson and his foster siblings, who transform into superheroes by saying ‘Shazam!’, are forced to get back into action and fight the Daughters of Atlas. They must stop them from using a weapon that could destroy the world.”

In 1941, The Adventures of Captain Marvel debuted as a 12-chapter movie serial. Billy Batson changed into Captain Marvel by invoking the timeless bar belch, “Shazam!”, the name of the ancient wizard that gave Billy the power to power up. In the 2019 movie Shazam!, they refer to him as Shazam and not Captain Marvel. Then, to mess with our minds, Captain Marvel — also released in 2019) came out, but this time the superhero is a gal who is constantly plugged in and doesn’t need to express a password to suit up. Yeah, not at all confusing.

THE MARVELS / November 10, 2023 (Theaters)

“Following the events of Ms. Marvel (2022), Carol Danvers and Monica Rambeau (Captain Marvel/2019) and Kamala Khan begin swapping places with each other every time they use their powers and must team-up to figure out why.”

So three female Captain Marvels. They should’ve called this movie, Shezam!

REDHEAD / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Cannibalism and depravity drive Autumn Blacksmith, now widowed, to engage in a relentless revenge binge. Will a possessing force drive her to kill every man around her?”

Wonder what took down her husband? Gonna go out on a limb here and say it was cannibalism with a dash of depravity.