Archive for the Classic Horror Category

Dream Guardian

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Slashers, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 20, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: Dream Master

In A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: Dream Master (1988), several survivors of supernatural killer Freddy Krueger’s last death rodeo got out of Westin Hills Hospital and are attending high school like normal teens with severe social issues.

A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: Dream Master

Kristen, one of the made-it-out-alive’rs, is starting to have bad dreams again, starring the Frank Sinatra of Slash. Freddy’s back to sever ties with his former friends, and pops up after a dog pees on his buried bones. There’s a joke in there somewhere.

A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: Dream Master

Sir Krueger later makes the rounds via a naked chick inside a possessed waterbed (you’d think that’d be dumb, but it actually isn’t) and a Roach Motel™ (one of the funnier sequences).

A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: Dream Master

Kristen is the last child of Elm Street — and Freddy, gorging on gleeful killings, needs her to find more kids for him to kill. Hey, a job is a job in this economy. Kristen invokes her New Age friend Alice by screaming (yeah, made sense to me, too), and now Alice, using the previously invoked Dream Master spell, takes Freddy down (yeah, made sense to me, too).

A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: Dream Master

Turns out Alice is the Guardian of Good Dreams (gimme a break) and is the ONLY ONE who can release the tortured souls of Freddy’s victims. Either I got lost in the middle of this mess, or the movie writers did. At least Freddy was fun to watch dispatch teenagers. It’s always nice to see someone enjoy what they do for a living.

Cute Cyborgs, Christmas Carnage, Ghosts Aplenty

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, Science Fiction, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 18, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Jason Goes To Hell: The Final Friday

Hard to believe it’s been 25 years/countless slaughtered teens ago that Jason Goes To Hell: The Final Friday (August 13, 1993) splattered across movies screens and into our hearts. And what a better way to commemorate that non-recognized postal holiday than with a documentary about it.

The Dark Heart of Jason Voorhees

From the press release: “The film will be giving viewers a never-before-seen in-depth look at the most infamous Jason film of all time. Through interviews and behind the scenes details, you will understand the unique landscape the series was in at the time, having just changed studios and already being on the road to the eventual Freddy vs Jason (August 13, 2003) film which wouldn’t see release for another 8 years. And you will see genre greats, both who were in the film and not, weigh in on Jason’s journey to hell.”

Jason Goes To Hell: The Final Friday

Sounds like a big bowl of warm ice cream for the eyes. No official word on when this thing is supposed to premier, but a fair guess would be soon-ish-esque. So while we wait for it like we have to go to the bathroom really bad, here are a few now available/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make your bladder splatter…

The Keeping Hours

THE KEEPING HOURS (available now)
“Mark, a successful attorney, returns to his old house after the tenants skipped out on rent. While there he experiences a supernatural event that forces him to reach out to his ex-wife. Ten years after their son’s death, a ghost will help reunite the estranged couple and deliver a message of life or death.”

Geez, they all but tell you who the ghost is. Why don’t the filmmakers just tell me what I’m getting for Christmas — and there better be twelve of ‘em, if you catch my drift.

Diane

DIANE (September 17, 2018)
“Steve’s lingering physical and emotional scars from the war in Afghanistan plunge him into a soulless routine. He continues his drab existence until the corpse of a beautiful singer, Diane, is dumped in his backyard, shaking him back to reality. Steve takes a photo of her before calling the police and soon he becomes obsessed with the dead woman’s image. Steve is scrutinized by the police, becoming the prime suspect hassled by Diane’s widower, and attacked by self-righteous neighbors. Before long, the malevolent ghost of Diane begins to work a dark spell that leads Steve to strange and startling revelations.”

Caught someone dumping an old couch in the alley behind my apartment. Better that than a corpse. But still, you can’t toss it in Elliott Bay? It’s deep enough to hold 10,000 old couches. (FYI: If you see one bobbing around with a KISS sticker on it, I may or may not know who it belongs to. Ahem.)

Mrs. ClausMRS. CLAUS (November 13, 2018)
“A group of college students attending a Christmas party at a sorority house that has a sinister past are stalked by a bloodthirsty killer disguised as Mrs. Claus.”

After living in Santa’s fat shadow for all these years, it’s nice to see Mrs. Claus finally get her day in the sun, even if it is an impostor posing as her.

Alita: Battle Angel

ALITA: BATTLE ANGEL (December 21, 2018)
“This is a science fiction movie about a robot called Alita. Set several centuries in the future, the abandoned Alita is found in the scrapyard of Iron City by Ido, a compassionate cyber-doctor who takes the unconscious cyborg Alita to his clinic. When Alita awakens, she has no memory of who she is, nor does she have any recognition of the world she finds herself in. As Alita learns to navigate her new life and the treacherous streets of Iron City, Ido tries to shield her from her mysterious past.”

The future is so advanced, now they have homeless robots. Looks like some things will never change.

Rock Horror Lottery, Time-Traveling Sharks,Trained Zombies

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Sharks, Slashers, TV Vixens, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 12, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Alice Cooper Lottery

As first reported by Bloody-Disgusting.com, horror shock rock icon Alice Cooper is now featured on scratch-to-win Lottery™ tickets in his home state of Arizona. (Probably where he gets his stage snakes. I hear you can practically trip over ’em in Arizona.)

Billion Dollar Babies

The measure of success used to be to get your face on a postal stamp. But being on a Lotto scratch card seems a more appropriate way to honor the rock star who had a hit album called Billion Dollar Babies back in 1973 (way to tie-in, Arizona!), and paved the road for others like Rob Zombie and Marilyn Manson by pioneering the theater use of said (live) pythons, dead babies (song title and plastic prop), an onstage guillotine execution, a hangman’s noose, a ride on an electric chair, and tons of horror imagery and zombie stuff.

Alice Cooper

The Alice Cooper Lotto tickets went live in Arizona on August 7, 2018 and will continue to be purchasable through Halloween, 2018. From the press release: “There are six top prizes of $50,000 each, with second-chance prizes that range from Alice Cooper memorabilia to VIP tickets and pre-show party access to the legendary rocker’s annual Christmas Pudding concert.” (Note: The album came with a “billion dollar” bill in the packaging. Been trying to spend it every since. Guess I’ll have to buy more than one microwaved hot dog as it appears 7-Eleven™ just doesn’t appear to have enough correct change.)

Billion Dollar Babies

While we all wait for our turn to have our printed faces scratched off with the edge of a quarter (a penny works, too), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that you may or may not want to scratch off your viewing list…

The Last Sharknado: It's About Time

THE LAST SHARKNADO: IT’S ABOUT TIME (August 19, 2018/SyFy™ Channel)
In the sixth and final installment of the series, Fin will travel back in time in a Sharknado-turned-time-machine to resurrect his family by stopping the first sharknado that started it all. In his quest, Fin will fight dinosaurs, knights, cowboys, and, of course, sharks. This time, it’s not a question of how to stop the sharknados — it’s when!”

Gotta give ‘em props for the movie title, as it perfectly sums up the thankful END of one of the most overplayed (and dumb) horror movie franchises of all time. And this coming from a guy who loves shark movies. Looks like they’re gonna go out with style, what with time-travel, dinosaurs, knights, cowboys (just repeating the press release here) and, of course, sharks that fall from the sky like faulty airplanes. Good for them. Now go away.

Lizzie

LIZZIE (September 14, 2018)
Chloë Sevigny stars as Lizzie Borden, the notorious woman at the heart of one of the most enduring mysteries in American history. After a lifetime of loneliness, Lizzie finds a kindred spirit in housemaid Bridget Sullivan (Kristen Stewart) and their secret intimacy sparks an unthinkable act. The movie explores the days leading up to the savage crimes in a dark tale of repression, exploitation and thwarted dreams.”

Lizzie

Back in the good ‘ol days of 1892, Lizzie Borden, the spinster daughter of Andrew Jackson Borden and Sarah Anthony Borden (what are the odds they both have the same last name?), was infamously charged with axe-to-the-head-multiple-times on said husband and wife double murder. Lizzie was arrested as a prime suspect, but later deemed innocent by the court and let go, presumably to open an axe store (poor timing, but good prices from what I hear).

Lizzie Borden

This grisly, unsolved murder led to more than a few movie treatments and remakes over the years. But Lizzie — a women’s spin on the subject — brings a whole new perspective, implying that Lizzie had a girlfriend and they both plotted — and executed (sorry) — the de-parenting. For another interesting look at Lizzie Borden, the Jason Voorhees of the late 1800s, check out Lizzie Borden Took An Axe (2014) with Christina Ricci as the chilling and non-emotional portrayal of the world’s first hacker. Personally, I though it was the mailman who performed the crime, based on absolutely no proof whatsoever. I just trust my gut stuff.

Redcon-1

REDCON-1 (September 28, 2018/UK)
“After a zombie apocalypse spreads from a London prison, the UK is brought to its knees. The spread of the virus is temporarily contained but, without a cure, it’s only a matter of time before it breaks its boundaries and the biggest problem of all…any zombies with combat skills are now enhanced. With the South East of England quarantined from the rest of the world using fortified borders, intelligence finds that the scientist responsible for the outbreak is alive and well in London. With his recovery being the only hope of a cure, a squad of eight Special Forces soldiers is sent on a suicide mission to the city, now ruled by the undead, with a single task: get him out alive within 72 hours by any means necessary. What emerges is an unlikely pairing on a course to save humanity against ever-rising odds.”

So the dead come back to life with all their previous life skills. I guess when it’s my turn to go to the great couch in the sky, I’ll come back LOADED (heh) with years of accrued beer drinking abilities. The world as you know it won’t stand a chance. Sucks to be everybody but me.

Slaughterhouse Rulez

SLAUGHTERHOUSE RULEZ (October 31, 2018/UK | 2018/2019 US)
Slaughterhouse is an elite boarding school where boys and girls are groomed for power and greatness and they’re about to meet their match. Don Wallace, is a wide-eyed new boy from a modest background forced to navigate a baffling new world of arcane rules and rituals, presided by sadistic sixth formers. Matters of status are aggressively enforced and conversation with school goddess Clemsie, are strictly forbidden. But this ancient and ordered world is about to be shaken to its foundations — literally — when a controversial frack site on prize school woodland causes seismic tremors, a mysterious sinkhole and an unspeakable horror is unleashed. Soon a new pecking order will be established as pupils, teachers and the school matron become locked in a bloody battle for survival.”

Holy frack — an unspeakable horror comes out of a resulting sinkhole? I bet the quakes busted the boarding school’s sewer line. P.S. Resist the urge to compare this one with this same-named 2004 short, The Slaughter House Rules. That one was only 13 minutes long and from what I hear, did not feature a busted sewer line spewing liquefied leavings all over everyone’s faces and/or clean shirts. That’d be really icky if they did.

There’s Always Room For Blob

Posted in Classic Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , on August 11, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Beware! The Blob

Just so you know, Beware! The Blob (aka, Son of the Blob) is the silly 1972 sequel to the very serious The Blob, an American sci-fi classic, which came out in 1958. In fact, they used the same blob for the follow-up. I thought that thing would’ve dried up after 14 years. Maybe it had a lot of preservatives in it.

Beware! The Blob

A sample of goo brought back from a construction site thaws out, gets loose and eats a guy with nice teeth while watching The Blob on TV. That’s funny.

Beware! The Blob

Then the thing grows and goes after two hippies “turning on” in a storm drain. Then it goes after a barbershop where a hippie has come in for a haircut. (I recommend the Sgt. Carter buzz.) The blob comes up through the sink where the hippie is getting the pot and social dissent washed out of his hair and eats his head.

Beware! The Blob

The blob makes its way to the bowling alley where there’s a tournament going on. The scenes of the blob “eating” people aren’t graphic at all, which sucks. It just shows the killer Jell-O™ glopping itself over you, then you’re gone.

Beware! The BlobOther than that, too many !@#$% hippies. If the blob ate them it’d probably get high. If you want really blob action, watch the original with Steve McQueen. That thing kicks blob.

Evil Girlfriends, Crosswalk Bigfoot, Horny Ghost

Posted in Bigfoot, Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 9, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Evil Dead

Gotta hand it to Monsters In Motion for coming up with The Evil Dead action figures of the possessed girlfriends. And like real girlfriends, they’re not cheap; both Shelly and Linda, in super cool retro styled packaging, costs $89.99…EACH. Even if your own girlfriend wasn’t possessed and dressed in a retro fashion style, that’d still be a hefty chunk of bit coin to spend on her, a romantic McDonald’s™ hamburger dinner notwithstanding.

The Evil DEad

Better hurry if you have the fun bucks to spare as they’re limited to 75 each. If they sell out, that’s $6,750.00 for a pile of painted plastic. And while you’re scrounging for the dough, here are a few just released/upcoming horror/Fantasy movies that may or may not be as affordable as your girlfriend and/or a McDonald’s hamburger…

The Back 80: A Modern Day Bigfoot Encounter

THE BACK 80: A MODERN DAY BIGFOOT ENCOUNTER (available now)
“During the summer of 2013, a woman’s world is turned upside down after seeing a Bigfoot cross the road in front of her one afternoon. She soon realizes that she is not alone on her own property and struggles to separate the truth from her own obsession. She finds others in town who have similar stories to tell and her quest for answers takes her to the abandoned, gated woods of the back eighty.”

Pffft — not seeing why everyone gets so gooned out from seeing a Bigfoot. I could, though, see causing an internal stink if the alleged cryptid jaywalker was wearing a funny hat.

Good Manners

GOOD MANNERS (available now)
“A mysterious and wealthy woman hires a lonely nurse named Clara to be the nanny of her soon-to-be born child. When a full moon brings about the birth of a werewolf, Clara makes it her mission to care for the monstrosity and protect it from others.”

A nanny to a werewolf. Clara isn’t thinking too clearly about this new job of hers. For one thing, it’d look really suspect on your resume when applying for future workings. Unless you wanna go to work for Victor Frankenstein. In which case, he’d probably hire you on the spot.

Muse

MUSE ( August 21, 2018)
“Inside a gritty, DTLA loft is a lonely, struggling painter who longs for artistic inspiration and to become a successful artist. But, when Adam’s muse takes form in a glimmering, mystical and deadly spirit creature from Celtic lore, the Leannán Sí, who is based upon the Gaelic legend of a mythical Celtic, she chooses Adam as her human lover to protect and seduce.”

Is there a downside to this? I’m thinkin’ win-win here.

Dead Love

DEAD LOVE (August 21, 2018)
Brandon is a young train engineer whose world is upended when his mother suddenly takes her own life. At the funeral home, he meets Fiona, a beautiful and mysterious mortician who takes a strong interest in him. Soon they discover they share a passion for music. And when Fiona serenades him with an ancient folk song, their lives become entwined for eternity.”

They share a passion for music? How about a little “bedspring symphony”? Heh.

An Embryo Full Of Aliens

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 8, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Alien: Resurrection

Ellen Ripley, the Alien’s BFF, committed suicide in molten steel juice over 200 years ago in Alien 3 (1992). So how is it she turns up in Alien: Resurrection (1997)? I’m thinkin’ future magic.

Alien: Resurrection

Using Ripley’s blood and the delicious DNA inside, future scientists clone her — as well as the alien queen embryo that was inside her when she went swimming in fire. Messed up, man. Especially when you find out she’s No. 8 in a series of failed cloned Ripleys, the first seven of which made it through varying degrees of growth spurts, from lumps of lava lamp fillings to multi-limbed/multi-f’d up versions of herself.

Alien: ResurrectionSpace criminals hijack a ship of workers in stasis (sleep in a can), and sell their bodies to a covert government ship, who need the bodies so that the face-huggers can live up to their job title, thereby creating more aliens.

Alien: Resurrection

Ripley, in the meantime, kinda sort a remembers her past life, but she’s sportin’ alien gunk in her system, which gives her the strength of an alien gorilla, acid blood, and killer basketball skills (don’t freak — it makes for a great scene).

Alien: Resurrection

The aliens get out of their study cribs and the massive ship, headed for Earth, is teeming with a dozen shiny silver-toothed human haters. That’s the only part I didn’t like as it made the alien creatures look fake. My teeth don’t look anywhere near that shiny after eating future people.

Alien: Resurrection

And what’s with space people wearing glasses? You’d think if they can clone someone and build, spaceships the size of Third World Countries that corrective vision surgery would be as easy as implanting an alien embryo in your gut.

Scream Queen Christmas

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Scream Queens, Slashers, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 29, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Santa Claws

Spoofing her own career as a scream queen, the luscious Debbie Rochon plays Raven Quinn, a B-movie starlet who attracts the unwanted attentions of her mentally-unhinged neighbor.

Santa Claws

He has a shrine to her in his apartment, and the fact that she takes off her clothes for a living is making him mad (which attracted him to her in the first place, the nut bag). Dressing up as Santa Claus, the killer dispatches those who are naughty and not nice with a plastic garden claw. Ouchy.

Santa Claws

While all of this is happening, Debbie’s movie husband is doing it with one of her co-stars. Talk about double dipping.

Santa Claws

Santa Claws came out a while back (1996), but it’s been re-released with a bunch of cut scenes and a bloopers reel at the end. Debbie is marvelous and quite liberal with her morals, the killings are of the G-rated variety, and the abundant boobage make many appearances. The only thing missing is a crack-driven Rudolph goring people with his seasonal antlers of doom.

Debbie Rochon