Horror That Gives You Wood

When a ventriloquist dummy is sent to a newly-wed couple’s apartment with no return address on the package, they think its a cool, though unusual wedding gift. But when the husband returns home from the store to find his wife sitting up in bed with a huge hole in her face and her tongue ripped out, he gets all sad. (No big loss — she wasn’t that good looking.)

The cops think he did it but can’t prove it just yet. So the sad guy traces the dummy’s origins back to his haunted home town to get to the bottom of the brutal face-holing. His estranged rich dad still lives there in a dark mansion and is confined to a wheelchair and oxygen tank due to a recent stroke. But he has a young supermodel for a wife who married him for his charming personality and not his vast amounts of cash.

The town, though, has lived under the never-ending curse of Mary Shaw, a theatre-caliber ventriloquist who was murdered and her tongue cut out because they thought she murdered one of the sad guy’s great uncles 50 some odd years ago. As the legend goes, she had a lot of dolls and something about not screaming if you see her…I forget.

Anyway, the journey for the truth takes the guy to the old theatre where Mary Shaw used to perform. This place looks like Dracula’s grandma lives there. The cop, though, has followed the guy to the small town and is there to arrest him for taking case evidence (the creepy ventriloquist dummy) and burying it in the cemetery. That it keeps coming back is just one of its special abilities. The other one is when he poops his pants, sawdust comes out. (Not really, but that would be really funny.)

This is all where the story, created by the same guys who did the brilliant Saw movies, gets downright wicked. The two men discover 99 dummies encased in glass. This almost matches up with the 100 missing bodies in the cemetery. The ghost of Mary Shaw is present and what she does to/with the dummies is awesomely gross. You’d think the big face-off (no pun intended) with Shaw would be the end of the movie. But you’d have to be punished harshly for even thinking such a wrong thought as Dead Silence (2007) takes a wonderfully sick turn.

If you’re gooned out by demonic ventriloquist props, rotted old ladies that are capable of painting entire towns with evil (looks like red, but is redder) don’t be a dummy and watch this movie, you big wooden wuss.

The Devil Is A Jive Turkey

A bunch of ancient Chinese warrior monks with swords and crossing guard yellow pajamas put an evil amulet into a box. Then they put that box into a bigger box. And before it can do a “Pop Goes The Weasel” on ‘em, they landfill it into a deep cave-y hole, then slice themselves into sandwich bologna in order to maintain the secret whereabouts of said demonic jewelry, which would release a height/weight proportionate demon.

Flash forward to mid-1970s New York, where a really tall, muscular and shirtless kung fu instructor with an afro and anti-whitey attitude the size of Manhattan is teaching street thugs how to make that slappy sound when punching people in the sac, in this case a gang of Chinese gangstas, whom they are constantly turf warring.

Luke Curtis, the superfly of slapping (and kicking and karate chopping), decides to go to China to ramp up his punching skillz, taking along the street-slang yapping student, Rodan. (No, not Godzilla’s smart-mouth/beak pterodactyl, but a jive turkey.) It’s here Rodan steals the evil amulet (it thought outside the box) and it’s transported back to Harlem, where it unleashes the demon, who possesses a guy in a suit and turns him into a bug-eyed zombie that rips people open as if a birthday present. Then he goes into the subway where it’s nice and dark — exactly where you’d want to go to kill some time and other things. Soon, mangled bodies are showing up like pawn shop jewelry.

The cops think it’s a war between the African American gang (some of who are white) and the Chinese gang, who all wear black t-shirts and white pants. Both sides make that slappy sound when executing really slow and inept kung fu offenses to upper and lower torsos.

A tentative truce is suggested and the Chinese kung fu master tells Luke about the amulet and its powers to possess people, use loved ones against its enemies and cause hallucinations that’ll definitely stain gold lamé bell-bottom jumpsuits (Luke’s stylish action wear) OR white pants. He ventures into the subway for a demonic kick-boxing confrontation that has runaway subway trains appearing out of nowhere and then disappearing, heavy duty smacking and the letting of blood.

The Devil’s Express (aka, Gang Wars/1976) is one of those “so bad, you can’t help but watch it” movies. Painful dialogue, exaggerated fight facial expressions and a manifested demon who looks like a glowing eyed mummy wrapped in cloth that’s been dipped in one of New York City’s finest garbage cans. The only thing better is Luke’s pimp-esque wardrobe. Now to go on Amazon.com to see if I can find a gold lamé bell-bottom jumpsuit to go with my platform shoes. Then it’s off to the subway for me.

Eviler Dead

Evil Dead 2: Dead By Dawn (1987) is a sort of sequel/re-telling of the first movie with Ash, the morning-after lone survivor of the evil dead onslaught, having to go through one more night of relentless Three Stooges styled demon attacks and spraying body fluids.

Joining him are several guests related to the evil cabin’s previous owner (whose demon-bloated wife is hanging out in the cellar). It’s here we get more of a back-story on the skin-covered Necronomicon (first edition), which is missing some pages needed to throw down some incantation action to stop the madness. They’ll need those pages as Ash’s hand is possessed and is needing a chainsaw manicure.

The incantation opens up a swirling hurricane portal where evil is sucked back to whence it came. Ash and his awesome 1973 Oldsmobile Delta 88 Royale are also transported back in time o 1300 A.D., where locals are being body-shamed by Deadites. If you’re a fan of the Evil Dead series, you know this is the beginning of Army of Darkness (1992), the sequel. If you didn’t know that, then I don’t know YOU.

Great demons, demon humor, demon blood, demon possession and demon black gunk coming out of possessed holes. And Ash’s chainsaw prosthetic means he’s handi-capable and can handle it. Heh.

Real X-Files, Angels & Zombies, Future Grrrls

Sad to report the April 13, 2018 passing of Art Bell, 72, one of the paranormal’s iconic advocates. Host of the globally-popular Coast To Coast AM late night radio show for twenty years, Art’s show was a seriously presented forum for all things paranormal, demonic, ghostly, cryptid, crop circle-y and all around monsterific. And while Art’s charismatic deep voice and dry delivery wasn’t enough, his callers’ supernatural stories and UFO sightings were the stuff custom made for ratings.

So popular was his radio show, he was syndicated in 500 markets in the U.S. and Canada. (Canada, by the way, is where all things paranormal were born, no doubt fueled by Moosehead beer.) Radio DJ Alan Stock described Art’s show as being “like a Disneyland for sci-fi.” Coast To Coast AM still broadcasts with the super cool George Noory at the mic. (He also regularly appears on the History Channel’s Ancient Aliens.)

So here’s to you, Art Bell — thank you for being the legendary voice for the real X-Files. And while you can hear archived shows on YouTube™, here are a few just released and upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that might’ve been right at home on Coast To Coast AM…. 

AVZ: ANGELS VS. ZOMBIES (available now)
“At the end of days seven archangels arrive to deliver us from evil. Get ready for the resurrection, the dead will rise.”

Never understood the term “archangel.” Does that mean they have osteoporosis? So angels doing battle with zombies. Seems like everybody wants to take a swing at the undead these days. Heck, God’s delivery sycophants have battled everything from Bigfoot to aliens to even other angels. (Angels are like the Amazon Prime™ of religion.) be double awesome if someone would come up with AVS: Angels vs. Sharktopus.

ALONG WITH THE GODS: THE TWO WORLDS (available now)
“Ja-hong, a firefighter, is taken to the afterlife by three guardians, where only after passing seven trials and proving he lived a noble life will he be able to reincarnate.”

Guess if firefighter Ja-hong is in the afterlife, he must not have been that good at his day job. And who wants to reincarnate? Being back on this toilet Earth is the last place I’d wanna return policy. Except my favorite bar, which I coincidentally call “the afterlife.”

HOUSE ON ELM LAKE (available now)
“A couple and their young daughter move into a lake house that remained unsold due to the brutal, ritualistic murder of a family years ago. Soon, they realize that a dormant evil has awakened, a possessive force that has preyed on unsuspecting families like theirs for centuries.”

A house on Elm Lake? Is this Freddy Krueger’s Airbnb™? If I was dormant evil and lived on a lake, I’d wake up, goon out a few ducks and make splishy splash happen. And I’d do it in a Speedo™, you know, just to up the horror factor.

FUTURE WORLD (May 25, 2018)
“Inside a desert oasis, a queen lays dying as her son Prince travels across barren waste lands to find a near-mythical medicine to save her life. After evading violent raiders on motorbikes led by the Warlord and his enforcer, Prince meets Ash, the Warlord’s robot sex companion-assassin who’s in search of her own soul. As Prince is captured by the Druglord, the Warlord’s forces roar in — and Prince fights to save the remnants of humanity.”

The trailer makes this look like a Road Warrior (1981) knock-off, but with lots more riot grrrls. Maybe they should call it Mad Maxine. The drool-worthy Milla Jovovich stars and still looks a sexy fresh as she did in the Resident Evil (2002) six-movie franchise, where she got more attractive with each consecutive sequel. I bet she eats a lot of preservatives. Heh.

Metal For Your Face, Empowered Horror Women, Cursed Movie Stars

If you’re a fan of heavy metal (again, why wouldn’t you be?), you’ll load your britches over a gaggle of new Iron Maiden “Eddie” Halloween masks by Trick or Treat Studios (.com). Eddie, as everyone in the universe knows (even aliens), is the ghoulish mascot for Iron Maiden, gracing the cover of all their albums, sometimes as a zombie slasher, undead WWII pilot, an Egyptian mummy and even a living dead cyborg. If I was a cyborg, I’d want to look like Eddie. Then we could hang out all day and do cool cyborg stuff.

So now Trick or Treat Studios is set to release four new Iron Maiden full head masks, including “Aces High” Eddie, Powerslave, Somewhere in Time Eddie, Final Frontier Eddie, and Number of the Beast Eddie. What, no Groundhog’s Day Eddie? Prices for this sublime face-wear ranges from $49.99 — $59.00. A mere pittance to look like one of heavy metal’s most famous icons.

A little history: the rotting, skeletal visage of Eddie was done by artist Derek Riggs, was based on an original design by art student who just happened to be BBFs with Dave “Lights” Beasley, who, back in the early band days, was in charge of lighting, pyrotechnics and other hearing-damaging effects for Iron Maiden’s live show.

The new masks will be available August/September of this year, which I was just told is 2018. Geez, it was 1980 just a few days ago. So while we wait for our molded plastic makeover, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies to bang your rubber-encased head to…

DEAD LIST (May 1, 2018/VOD)
“Calvin is competing with five other actors — Zander, Scott, Kush, Jason and Bob — for a major movie role. Stopping at nothing to win the role of a lifetime, he uses a demonic book to curse his fellow actors, with each actor being killed off in their own separate unique and terrifying chapter.”

Sounds like one of those Final Destination (2000) things, but with demon flavorings added. The only demonic book I know is the TV Guide™. That flippin’ thing is evil and will suck your soul right out of your eyeballs on a nightly basis for hours at a time.

MARY SHELLEY (May 25, 2018)
“Passionate and rebellious teenager Mary Wollstonecraft finds a kindred spirit in poet Percy Shelley. Their whirlwind love affair scandalizes polite society, as the young couple gorge on literature and a bohemian life. When tragedy strikes and the couple lose their baby daughter, Mary strikes back, finding the courage and bravery to transform her pain into the world’s first science fiction novel, Frankenstein— all by the age of 18.”

Mary Shelley, back in the 1800s, was the woman who created Frankenstein, but she’s not the only one. Have you met my mom?

UNDER THE SILVER LAKE (June 22, 2018)
“Young and disenchanted Sam meets a mysterious and beautiful woman who’s swimming in his building’s pool one night. When she suddenly vanishes the next morning, Sam embarks on a surreal quest across Los Angeles to decode the secret behind her disappearance, leading him into the murkiest depths of mystery, scandal and conspiracy.”

I’m thinkin’ the girl in the pool is a ghost mermaid on the swim from the Law. As for the surreal quest across Los Angeles, just driving a few blocks in Hollywood definitely qualifies.

DON’T LEAVE HOME (2018/2019)
“An American artist’s obsession with a disturbing urban legend leads her to an investigation of the story’s origins at the crumbling estate of a reclusive painter in Ireland.”

I can only guess that the urban legend is a sober Irishman. Heh.

Demonic Booze ’n Smoke Monster

It sucks when you die and then wake up on a deserted beach, cold gray weather, a lighthouse with beams that give you mega migraines, no 7-Elevens™ within sight, and satanic black smoke exploding with a bang all around you. To top it off, there’s a shack-y house nearby with three girls and one lucky guy. They’re dead, too, but don’t care as they’re having sex with their clothes on (is that even legal?), drinking gallons of vodka from an endless supply of bottles, and blasting dumb rave music while they do all of the above. Oh, and there’s a giant sorta electric bubble all around the house and its getting smaller. Time for more vodka!

Doesn’t take long for one of ‘em to figure out they’re dead and in Hell’s waiting room. But why, oh why are they there? Connecting long-shot dots, all of five people were at an over-capacity nightclub, dancing like idiots, when the roof caved in. All washed up on the beach and took over the abandoned house to party, drink massive amounts of refreshing adult beverages and have clothed sex.

While this is going on, one girl keeps disappearing and reappearing. Wish I could do that. Then the smartest girl figures out they each did something not cool, which put them in this predicament. Arguments ensure and the one guy yells and curses and ends up on the beach, where the demonic smoke monster has non-consensual relations with the back side of his swim suit area. The girls all think this is funny. It actually kinda is as he’s a loudmouth punk.

They end up killing holler boy and manage to catch the demon smoke monster in a wooden crate. In order to get it to answer their questions, they douse it with booze. Pffft! — I do the same thing all the time. They discover they’re all screwed and that the sorta electric bubble is gonna put a stop to all their groaning and moaning.

AfterDeath (2015) is an interesting but kinda confusing horror movie in that you really don’t know what’s going on during the grand finale. Had something to do with one of ‘em needing to go to Heaven before the bubble bursts their bubble, and one going to that…other place. So yeah, you do get to know why the main character is there (I really want to spoil this for you, but I’m feeling charitable today), and while the movie does end rather abruptly, it left one blazing question unanswered: where can one get the crate that never runs out of booze?

A Baker’s Dozen Ghosts

An evil rich uncle figured out a way to capture souls and store them in stay-fresh cubicles in his house, which is made of glass walls with Latin slogans on them to keep the pesky dead from touching his stuff.

These ghosts aren’t of the Casper variety — they’re the most gnarliest, f’d-up poltergeists on the planet, looking like they came from Marilyn Manson’s shiny pants.

Each of these ghosts were chosen for their unique energy, which, when combined with a demonic machine and a spell from some spell book, will open the Eye of Hell, allowing the user to see behind the creation curtain. (I’ve seen it — just a bunch of boxes filled with last year’s Christmas decorations.)

A family inherits the evil uncle’s house after said relative dies while trying to round up a ghost that doesn’t want to be rounded up. “This isn’t a house; it’s a machine made by the Devil and powered by the Dead,” remarks one ghost-hunter. An understatement — all the ghosts are contained in the basement, but the family screws around with the buttons in the Rubik’s Cube™ mansion and let the stinky wraiths out. Then it’s smack ass time.

These ghosts make Hellraiser’s Cenobites look like cotton candy vendors at Disneyland™. Blood and guts decorate the stylish glass walls like Dutch Boy™ paint. Lots of swearing, tension, and a handful of flinchy moments that’ll have you tossing your popcorn before you eat it, thereby wasting it.

2001’s Thir13en Ghosts (a hardcore graphic re-imagining of 13 Ghosts/1960) is quite lean on suspense and backstory, though, which makes it hard to give the ghosts some love when you don’t really know anything about them. As for the evil uncle, it’s not explained why he’s so mean. No matter; It’s heartwarming to see such ultra-violence and brain goo.