Godzilla Burns For You, Ghost Maid, Wood God

Tripped across an unboxing of Spiral Studios’ Ultimate Masterline: Battle in Boston Series — Burning Godzilla Standard Edition (ST-BGS003) while looking for porn, I mean, healthy eating videos. I’ve seen a ton of porn, I mean, monster model de-boxings, but this one was so good, I had to go wash my hands afterward. Ahem. 

In the video the Ultimate Masterline: Battle in Boston Series — Burning Godzilla Standard Edition is assembled and plugged in to mind-dissolving effect. The model measures out at 20.1 x 14.3 x 34.6 inches, is made of translucent resin, and the detailing is microscopic. Better still, the Ultimate Masterline: Battle in Boston Series — Burning Godzilla Deluxe Edition (DX-BGS004), featuring Godzilla sporting Mothra’s energy wings, making the specs a staggering 41.4 x 39.8 x 37.87 inches. More awesomeness: the model sits on a stand atop an obliterated Boston.

The Standard Edition costs $1,449.99 (buy it here) and the Ultimate Masterline: Battle in Boston Series Deluxe Edition is $2,399.99 (buy it here). Heads up — both are limited to several hundred pieces, so don’t dawdle (sorry — word of the day calendar).

So while we bemoan thew fact we may not have enough left in our retirement accounts (ahem), visit Spiral Studios and check out their Mothra Larva, Queen Muto, Titanus Behemoth and Godzilla Legacy figures. In the meantime, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as cool as healthy eating videos…

SLEEPING BEAUTIES / Out now (Tubi™)

“Cahya gets a job as a maid working in an isolated old mansion. Pregnant and a recent widow, she is desperate to reconnect with her husband, opening a doorway to the spirit world. And in doing so, inadvertently awakens the tormented ghosts of her current employer, the previous maids.”

An isolated mansion? A doorway to the spirit world? Tormented ghosts? A rewarding careering in maiding? Where the hell do I apply?

CREEPYPASTA / May 23, 2023 (Screambox™)

“Trapped in an abandoned house, a young man desperately searches for clues to how he got there. The answer is hidden within a series of disturbing viral videos — each of which begins to infect his mind.”

Sound more like Crappypasta.

THE ERL KING / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“When a young woman from a strict, colonial village suddenly finds herself seduced by an ancient woodland god, she falls into a fantastical romance that quickly threatens to consume her.”

This is a remake of the 1931 movie of the same name, although back then it was titled Le roi des aulnes. That’s all French to me.

SHAKY SHIVERS / Release pending 2023 (Screambox™)

“Two young women find themselves facing a series of supernatural occurrences after a fateful encounter with an old woman. As zombies, werewolves and Bigfoot wreak havoc, the duo must navigate a wild night, armed with an unfamiliar spell book, to restore order before their lives unravel completely.”

Zombies, werewolves AND Bigfoot? I need to call the Academy™ and get this thing nominated.

Kaiju Clothes, AI Vampires, Death To Earth

Got a spare $8,350.00 laying around and are need of some new church clothes? The MCS: Animatronic Attraction Maker in China has you covered. Makers of kaiju-sized animated dinosaurs (presumably to scare the fèihuà out of neighboring enemies), they now set their sights on creating a Godzilla suit that comes complete with G-sounds, spraying smoke and (my fav), nuclear pulse effect. To throw more bonus on the fire, MCS is shipping this 61lb. costume — for free.

Spiked head to clawed toe, the costume measures out at 7.87 feet tall, big enough to cram three frat boys into. The suit is made of silicone rubber, with a stainless steel frame, and colorized with high density foam-oil paint. From their product description: “We wanted to get a real nuclear pulse in the Godzilla suit-making process, so we added the LED light flashing effect to show Godzilla’s various emotions. The mouth can spray smoke and emit a light beam. For Godzilla fans, this is a real giant radioactive monster. It is time for you to wear this king of all costumed Kaiju at Godzilla cosplay events.”

So while we all go to the bank and fill out a loan application and put our car/house up for collateral and buy this suit immediately (only three left as of this e-barfing — click this), here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/documentaries that may or may not make you spray smoke…

IMMORTAL OBSESSION: A HISTORY OF VAMPIRES / Out now (Amazon Prime Video™)

“Written, illustrated, and performed entirely by AI, Immortal Obsession: A History of Vampires explores the classic monster’s captivating history, from their origins in ancient folklore to their enduring role in modern pop culture. Innovative filmmaker Brian Cunningham utilized ChatGPT to write a compelling script, a video generator to create a lifelike host, an art generator to provide striking illustrations, and a music engine to compose a dynamic score. Cunningham’s human touch was used to refine the script and edit together all of the AI-produced assets.”

AI-generated or not, vampires are not immortal. I have a Bible™ brand crucifix, a rib-eye stake and a six-pack of holy water (Budweiser™) to challenge any vampire’s deathlessness.

SECRET SPACE UFOS FASTWALKERS / Out now (VOD)

“An exhilarating adventure into the mysterious world of NASA-related UFO encounters in space. Starting in the late 1970s and continuing until now, expert researchers will reveal a history of anomalies recorded by military and space research missions. Beginning with Skylab 3’s UFO incident, expanding into the STS/ISS Mission Era, director Darcy Weir and the rest of the team uncover a deep recent history of UFO sightings in space. In the present day they uncover all of the developments in Congress regarding UAP research and disclosure to the public during 2023. A new interview conducted with a long lost space anomalies researcher Martyn Stubbs is included in this documentary.”

NASA is sitting on tons of UFO footage, but all the good stuff remains unseen by the “I want to believe” public. I bet all of it is stored in recyclable plastic grocery bags in the Pentagon’s hall closet.

SCAVENGER / Out now (VOD)

“Set in the wastelands of a future dystopia, Scavenger charts the transgressive journey of a female organ dealer as she seeks revenge on the remorseless crime cartel that murdered her family.”

I’d like to be an organ donor. If I ever get around to kicking the bucket, I hereby bequeath my Wurlitzer to anyone who can lift that f’n thing.

DOOMSDAY METEOR / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A meteor bigger than the moon, and unseen by Earth until now, has less than a week until planetary impact. Scientists try to stop the giant mass with rockets armed with high-powered lasers. When that fails they land on the asteroid, mounting it with rockets in an attempt to push its orbit away from Earth. But as the team continues to run into problems they never imagined, the future of mankind becomes more and more bleak.”

For a similar but more hi-brow apocalyptic “rogue planet smashes into Earth” movie, watch Meloncholia (2011). You will actually cheer on the destruction of this stinkhole planet.

Godzilla Noodles, Future Pollution, Tropical Cults

Did you know that for a mere $5.99 you can have your face roasted off by Godzilla? That’s a pretty good deal considering the going rate is $14.99. I’m talking, of course, about FYE.com’s™ exclusive sale-priced Godzilla Ghost Pepper Ramen™, which is hotter than Godzilla’s own melt-y breath.

From FYE.com™: “Introducing Godzilla Ghost Pepper Ramen™ — the spiciest and most delicious instant ramen you’ll ever try! This 5-pack includes five individual servings of noodles and broth that are packed with the intense heat of ghost peppers. Each bite of these fiery noodles will send your taste buds into overdrive, providing a bold and flavorful experience that is sure to satisfy even the most discerning spicy food lovers. The ghost pepper, also known as the Bhut Jolokia, is one of the hottest peppers in the world, packing a punch that is sure to make your mouth water.”

Fye.com™ is also suggest pairing the hellishly hot noodles (click here) with a themed Godzilla ramen bowl (click here) and Godzilla chopsticks (click here), though they should be offering Baby Godzilla-sized fire extinguishers. So while we’re gambling grievous bodily harm by consuming this edible version of lava, here are few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not kick your Bhut… 

BLACK KNIGHT / May 12, 2023 (Netflix™)

“In the year 2071 it’s impossible to live without a respirator due to extreme air pollution. With a majority of the Korean peninsula now a wasteland and only one per cent of its original population remaining, delivery drivers play a crucial role in the survival of its inhabitants. The legendary delivery man who goes by the name ‘5-8’ with extraordinary fighting skills meets Sa-wol, a refugee who dreams of becoming a delivery driver, the only hope of refugees.”

It’s like they say about air — it’s no big deal until you’re not getting any.

THE FIRST HARVEST / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“After his daughter goes missing, Jerry decides to hunt down the serial killer known as Jay Sullivan. Upon having nightmares of Jay, his wife Emily decides to join in the hunt. Meanwhile, Jay himself struggles with reality. When he makes a bold decision, he risks everything and everyone he loves. In this tribute to ’80s horror, who can survive?”

Okay, this is totally freaky — I have a neighbor in my apartment building named Jay Sullivan. Unassuming, quiet, keeps to himself. Yep, he’s a serial killer.

CURSED WATERS / Pending crowd-funding (VOD)

“After their ship is sunk in a naval battle, a group of pirates flee to a nearby island. However, the island is more than it seems. As they try to evade capture by the Navy they soon find that the island is inhabited by a terrifying cult. What other secrets does this island hold? Can the pirates survive? Can they escape?”

If a terrifying cult lives on an island, who are they trying to be terrifying to — free-range rhesus monkeys? That could backfire in a big way because those dirty things are known for throwing their own leavings at enemies and each other. Super ick.

MALICE / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“An ancient evil is unleashed upon six people in a cabin that possesses those who are close to death. They must battle against plague and seal it away before it takes them all over.”

There’s an Asian horror movie coming out this year with the same name. In Japan, though, it’s called Akui. That’s the sound I make when I sneeze while watching highly-cliched horror movies.

Gigantic Empire, Behind The Nightmare, Board With Sharks

After much speculation and ballyhoo (sorry — word of the day calendar), the OFFICIAL title for the next Godzilla/Kong movie is…Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire. Not sure what the “x” stands for, though given their newfound BFF status at the end of Godzilla vs. Kong (2021), they should title the movie, Godzilla xoxo Kong: The New Empire.

The 30 second teaser trailer shows a sinewy Kong sitting on his throne, throwing out his infamous “frowning of a lifetime glare,” while the scene pulls back over a sea of kaiju bones, culminating in two mega gigantic skulls formerly belonging to a previous Godzilla and Kong. Or maybe they are the bone-y remains of the current Godzilla and Kong and the Kong sitting on the throne is a new one. Or maybe I should just shut up and wait for the movie to find out, which is targeted to Imax™ and non-Imax™ screens on March 15, 2024.

Regardless, pant-tingling news for Godzilla and Kong fans, of which I am one. More tingles: there’s also a Skull Island anime series coming to Netflix™ and a live-action Godzilla and the Titans series coming to Apple TV+™ with Kurt Russell. I need to go do a load of laundry right now.

So while we IMPATIENTLY wait for March 15, 2024, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/documentaries that may or may not make your pants tingle…

HELLO HORROR / Out now (Screambox™, Bloody Disgusting TV)

“Hello Horror, featuring Vanessa Decker, Ryan Valdez, and Jones Bones, is a genre variety show that covers the spooky community – everything from red carpets, museums, cocktails, events, games, plus more. Vanessa and her crew take the audience on adventures, shining a light on the amazing community the genre has generated.”

I would like to drink a cocktail while standing on a red carpet in a museum. Just as long as there’s a bathroom close by because, hey, cocktails.

HOLLYWOOD, DREAMS & NIGHTMARES: THE ROBERT ENGLUND STORY / June 6, 2023 (Screambox™)

“Featuring interviews with Robert Englund and his wife Nancy, as well as fellow genre icons Lin Shaye, Eli Roth, Kane Hodder, Tony Todd, Adam Green, Bill Moseley, Heather Langenkamp and more, the documentary follows Englund’s career from his early days in Buster and Billie and Stay Hungry (starring with Arnold Schwarzenegger) to his big break in the 1980s as Freddy Krueger, to his directorial debut with the 1988 horror film 976-EVIL to his iconic acting status in current roles such as Netflix’s™ hit series, Stranger Things. With each new film in the series, Englund’s status as an icon grew until he became one of the most recognizable names in horror. Grossing over $450M at the box office, the Nightmare franchise has shown itself to be one of the most prolific in horror history. Spawning, merchandise, a television series and a 2010 remake, Englund’s influence continues to ripple across the genre.”

I saw each of the nine Freddy Krueger movie seven times each. So I’m responsible for at least $50 million of his box office take. (Note to Sir Englund: I need a receipt for my taxes — I’m writing it off as gambling losses. 

THE HORROR OF DELORES ROACH / July 7, 2023 (Amazon™ Original Series) 

“The Horror of Dolores Roach is based on the hit Gimlet podcast. The eight-episode, half-hour series is a contemporary Sweeney Todd-inspired tale, a macabre urban legend of love, betrayal, weed, gentrification, cannibalism, and survival of the fittest.”

Delores Roach. I hear she…bugs…a lot of people. Comedy gold, right there.

OUIJA SHARK 2 / July 25, 2023 (VOD), August 15, 2023 (DVD, Blu-ray)

“When the Ouija Shark emerges from Hell to cause havoc once more on earth, a sorcerer with a history of fighting the ghostly great white must follow it into a multiverse hellscape for one final battle. But this time he is bringing along some friends to help send the shark into oblivion.”

Maybe the sorcerer can conjure Quint from the dead to assist. He deserves punitive justice after Jaws ate him in half back in the Seventies. That was so mean of Jaws to do that.

International Horrors, Buzzkill Bees, Plug-in Kids

The success of a horror/sci-fi movie often depends heavily on eye-snagging poster art to economically market their cinematic bowel movements. Movie poster art is a culture unto its own, with numerous websites devoted to curating every movie poster ever designed. (Check out IMPAwards.com — it’s a treasure trove of both US and International hi-res movie posters.)

The illustrations on International horror and sci-fi movie posters, though, are crazy cool and often out-markets their US counterparts. You couldn’t tell, but the poster at the top is Pumpkinhead (1988) from Turkey. More examples — The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974) – France, Alien (1979) – Poland, The Return of the Living Dead (1985) – Thailand, Jaws 2 (1978) – Poland — are great examples of art unrestrained from studio interference. (The movie ad sheet for 1969’s chiller Frosty the Snowman designed in Antarctica could have been so much more bloody had the studio not stepped in and ice-blocked it.)

Two of the crazier movie posters are Cujo (1983) from Ghana and The Omen (1976) from the Czech Republic. The Cujo poster looks like a pet greeting card while The Omen poster displays the movie’s evilness in devilishly hand-illustrated glory. So while we download these posters and frame ‘em, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/TV series that may or may not be a cinematic bowel movement… 

SILO / May 5, 2023 (AppleTV+™)

The series tells of the last 10,000 people on Earth, their mile-deep home protecting them from the toxic and deadly world outside. However, no one knows when or why the silo was built, and any who try to find out face fatal consequences. An engineer seeks answers about a loved one’s murder and tumbles onto a mystery that goes far deeper than she could have ever imagined, leading her to discover that if the lies don’t kill you, the truth will.”

It’s not a silo — it’s a discarded kaiju milkshake straw Godzilla threw away after gorging at Fleeing Citizens Burgers Drive-In. (FYI: Their chili cheese fries are to die for.)

MARRY F*** KILL / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Five estranged college friends reunite to attend their friend’s funeral after a shocking suicide. Scarred by a past betrayal that led to the ultimate demise of their friendship, an innocent game of Marry F**k Kill spawns into something far more sinister than they could have imagined.”

So this Marry F**k Kill game — I looked everywhere on Amazon.com™ and couldn’t find it. Maybe they have it at Hustler Superstore™.

BLOODTHIRSTY BEES (aka THE HIVE) / Release pending 2023 (VOD)
“The biological experiment of the Japanese army failed. A group of infected bloodthirsty bees attacked the experimenters and fled into the mountain forest. When Taoyuan Village in the middle of the mountain forest held a bonfire event, the mutant bees attacked the village, causing heavy casualties.”

It’d be really funny if Bloodthirsty Bees starred Sting.

ELECTRIC CHILD / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“A computer scientist has a newborn son who suffers from a rare neurological disorder. The father then makes a deal with the artificial intelligence he is developing. If he manages to cure his son, he grants the life form in his supercomputer its freedom. This sets off a chain reaction that also has consequences for the outside world.”

Supercomputer gone wild movies have been around for awhile, prime examples being HAL (Heuristically programmed ALgorithmic computer) in 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968) and Colossus in The Forbin Project (1970). And I’ll never forget that time my 1982 Commodore 64 supercomputer outsmarted me at Pong…and then digitally LOL’d right on the 640×400 resolution screen. Supercomputers are so rude.

Fire’d Monsters, Condo Snakes, Undead Algae

Illustrator Chet Phillips has come up with a cool line of monster matchbook covers done in homage to retro Chinese matchbooks packaging art. Had these been around when I was a kid, I would’ve played with matches a LOT more. (Note: siblings are fun to practice your fire-starter skillz on.)

From Chet’s Etsy™ page: “Each $12.00 signed print measures 3.5” x 5.5” with mat and backing board that measures to 5” x 7.” Fits perfectly in a 5” x 7” frame. Created to emulate a vintage matchbox art label.” Note: Chet also sells 11”x17” versions for $25.00. Wonder if he’ll ever do a matchbook fire sale? Heh.

So while we wish this art was on actual boxes of matches (for collecting and campfire creating purposes), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not set the world — or your brother’s sleeping bag — on fire…

CAPSULES / March 31, 2023 (VOD)

“After experimenting with mysterious substances, four chem students find themselves addicted in the worst way possible: they’ll die unless they take more.”

Clearly, these amateurs have never been to the Tug Tavern. It’s a sound business model.

CALAMITY OF SNAKES / April 25, 2023 (DVD, Blu-ray)

“A developer discovers a snake pit full of thousands of deadly serpents on the construction site of a new apartment building. To avoid any construction delays, the developer brutally exterminates the snakes. Believing the problem has been solved, he allows the new tenants to move into the building. However, not all the snakes have been killed and the many survivors and their kin are out to avenge their murdered brothers and sisters. Soon, all hell breaks loose, and the building’s new tenants come under vicious attack by a squirming army of angry and vengeful serpents.”

It’s like Willard (1971), but with icky snakes instead of icky rats. This one came out in South Korea in 1982, but is FINALLY getting an official US release now. That only took 40 years. (P.S. The original title was, War Between Men and Snakes, or Ren she da zhan.) There’s a “cruelty-free” version as part of the bonus materials, for all you snake-huggers. P.S. Why would you hug an icky snake? Weirdos.

A HARD PLACE / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Steve is a shy guy who lives to take care of his sister, every since their parents were killed tragically years before. He uses humor and sarcasm as a defense mechanism and is not too keen on their recent criminal endeavors.”

Um…what? I would’ve walked away from this right here, but A Hard Place is being described as a “large-scale monster vs. monster movie that is going to blow the lid off indie horror. It features two brand new types of creatures that have never been seen before.” This kind of hyperbole won’t work on the educated masses. However, it sounds cool to me, so I’m in.

IT CAME FROM THE WATER / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A group of high school graduates — tired of successive lock-downs — decide to organize a party of a lifetime at the seaside. Despite alarmingly high concentrations of blue-green algae in the Baltic Sea and cases of strange infections, initially everything goes normally: beach, dancing, sex, drinking, throes of love and disappointments. However, minute by minute the whole thing starts to get out of hand. A zombie plague strikes in the middle of the party.”

They should’ve called this, Spring Outbreak. They can license that from me via PayPal™.

15th Century Kaiju, Mechanical Monkey, Hand-y Horror

What if Godzilla was stomping around in the 1500s, deliberately stepping on minstrels, catchin’ a few PPV jousting matches and kickin’ it old school with Leonardo da Vinci? That’s the premise — Godzilla in the 1500s, not the other cool stuff I mentioned — of IDW™’s new comic miniseries, Godzilla: Here There Be Dragons.

From IDW™’s press release: “In the 1500s, before humanity had successfully traveled the entire globe, it was believed that monsters ruled the oceans just beyond the horizon. ‘Here there be dragons…’ was written on maps to denote the areas people dared not go. That is, until Sir Francis Drake circumnavigated the seas, visiting foreign lands and collecting treasure. Or…at least that’s what history tells us. The truth is, tremendous beasts did lurk yonder, dwelling on an island that doesn’t appear on any map, even to this day. And among those monsters was the king of them all…Godzilla!”

Godzilla might like the 1500s as there was a lot of dung hitting the fans back then. The first printed bible in English was published in 1526 and rose to the top of the fiction carts. In his 1543 book, On the Revolutions of the Celestial Spheres, Polish astronomer Nicolaus Copernicus caused another revolution, by stating that science, not religion, best explains how the universe works. (I totally copied every word of that off this thing called the “Internet.”) The first National Lottery was created in 1567. And people jumped in their carts and flash mobbed the local 7-Eleventh™ for scratchers. And in 1595, The Widdows Treasures by John Partridge was published and claimed to contain a cure for drunkeness. Laughter around the local pubs when passages were read out loud.

So while you look forward to Godzilla’s adventures in the past (the first comic comes out in June, 2023/$3.99), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not encourage rampant drunkeness…

APE VS. MECHA APE / Out now (VOD)

“Recognizing the destructive power of its captive giant ape, the military makes its own battle-ready A.I. — Mecha Ape. But its first practical test goes horribly wrong, leaving the military no choice but to release the imprisoned giant ape to stop the colossal robot before it destroys downtown Chicago.”

YEST ANOTHER rip-off movie from Asylum Studios™, who never had an original movie in their photocopy brains. This one “pays homage” to King Kong Escapes (1967), in which the massive monkey meets his mechanical doppelgänger. It’s free to watch on YouTube™, in case you’re so motivated.

TRINKET BOX / March 31, 2023 (Theaters, VOD)

A newlywed couple move to a new home set on starting new beginnings, but an historical evil, locked away for years, is about to break free and wreak havoc on their relationship and their lives.

Three words come to mind: mother-in-law.

ANTHROPOPHAGUS II / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A group of female students and their lecturer, Nora, camp inside a bomb bunker to do research on the theses they are writing. After being escorted by a sinister-looking janitor, the girls prepare to spend 24 hours locked in the bunker. In the middle of the night, two of them disappear without a trace. Nora coordinates the search, but soon the survivors find themselves trapped in a maelstrom of violence at the hands of an anthropophagus.”

The only thing scarier than an anthropophagus is trying to pronounce its name.

THE NEW HANDS / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“When Bram Victor is dumped by his girlfriend he is convinced it’s because of his ugly hands. Mangled, unattractive, he becomes convinced that a pair of new hands will bring her back. What to do? Since he is a serial killer, he comes to realize that a new set of hands from beautiful victims is the only way to win back the girl of his dreams.”

A serial killer who will go to extremes for love? You gotta…hand…it to him. Heh.

Literary Godzilla, DJ Devil, Loud Earworm

Most people would rather watch Godzilla kick the Shittori Choco out of Japan (and other monsters) than read about it. But now, thanks to modern technology, you can do both — at the same time, if you’re a weirdo. University of Minnesota Press is publishing the novelization of Godzilla (1954) and Godzilla Raids Again (1955) as English-translated paperback and e-books for the YA (Young Adult) market. Good luck trying to get kids to read — they’re too busy making stupid TikTok™ dance videos and investing in get-rich-quick cryptocurrency, or “imaginary money.”

From the University of Minnesota Press’ press release: “Shigeru Kayama (1904 – 1975) was a science fiction writer and scenarist whose early stories about monsters and mutated sea creatures attracted the attention of Toho Studios™, who asked him to draft the first two Godzilla films. The film Half Human (1955) by Toho Studios™ was also based on one of his stories, and he contributed to the screenplay for the Toho™ film The Mysterians (1957).”

The books will be available October 3, 2023 on Amazon Prime™ and Amazon Kindle™ from $17.41 and $9.99 respectively. That’s reasonably priced cryptocurrency. Invest in it here.

So while we put down our TVs and pick up a book for the first time in years, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not appeal to young adults…

LATE NIGHT WITH THE DEVIL / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A live broadcast of a late-night talk show in 1977 goes horribly wrong, unleashing evil into the nation’s living rooms. Jack Delroy is the host of a late-night talk show Night Owls. His rating are plummeting, it’s sweeps week and he’s desperate for a boost so he plans a Halloween special with a magician, someone that claims to be possessed, and skeptics. This is not your traditional late-night variety show; It slowly builds until pure chaos and mayhem ensue.”

Unleashing evil, pure chaos and mayhem? I’ve been all up and down the dial and can’t find it. A shiny cookie to anyone who can tell me where to find this radio station. And hurry — these shiny cookies aren’t gonna make it to late night.

INCESSANT / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A troubled couple taking time away at a place in the country. Instead of peace, they encounter an audio-altering virus, a parasite that will slowly rip them apart.”

I’ve said it before — the audio-altering virus can be found on every Motörhead song in existence. Visibly shocked I have to keep repeating myself.

DON’T LOOK AWAY / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

‘It doesn’t move, it doesn’t think — it just kills. And for a young woman and her friends, a chance encounter with the supernatural entity proves deadly, because once you see it, don’t you dare look away or it comes for you…and keeps coming for you until you’re dead.”

The supernatural entity they’re referring to is your television.

POUNDCAKE / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A New York City serial killer is murdering straight white men in unspeakable ways. Podcasters are chiming in with their theories on who the killer is, what his motives are, and how to stop him. Is it all a hoax to garner sympathy for cisgender white men? Some people think so. Others find the murders cathartic, even funny. Are the victims finally getting what they deserve after inflicting centuries of oppression? Can the killer be stopped? New Yorkers must find a way to end the hate and embrace positivity instead. It might be the only way to kill the beast!”

The first time I heard the word “positivity” was in “Spice Up Your Life”, the irresistible 1997 Spice Girls hit song. And now, 26 years later, New Yorkers are asked to embrace positivity to stop a serial killer. I say to them — “Spice up your life and dance all over that serial killer, b*tches!”

Glazed Gorilla, Bearly Evil, Ghost Criminals

In King Kong vs. Godzilla, the 1962 kaiju classic dust up, there was the hilariously memorable and infamous scene where Kong gets drunk as a mecha-skunk and passes out, his bar tab covered by jungle natives. This is so he can be taken passively to Japan for promotional purposes and ends up in a smackdown with Godzilla, who is a total teetotaler. (The outcome depended on whether you live in the US or Japan.) Now you can get a Drunk Kong action (or would that be non-action) figure and get your jungle boogie on.

From TemptingToysandCollectibles.com website: “Rotokaiju drunk King Kong 1962 30cm Vinyl figure fully built and painted (made in 2020). This limited version was completely built and painted by the manufacturer and has the ‘drunk’ Kong face and three Suma Juice jars.” Drunk Kong stands 12” inches tall — or 12” long when he’s laying in the gutter, stinking of Suma Juice highballs. That’s the fun news. The opposite of that is Drunk Kong costs $1,999.00. (Conversely, a six-pack of Suma Juice is only $1.00._ Spend your money here.

The way they transport Drunk Kong off Faro Island was genius, strapping him to hot air balloons and gently escorting the drunky monkey off the premises. FYI: If you plan on chugging down a few jars of Suma Juice (called Soma Juice on the box and Farolacton Juice on Kong’s island), be sure and have a designated balloon handler to get you home — don’t drink and float.

So while we head to the Faro Island’s corner liquor store to stock up on Farolacton Juice and become a party animal, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make your head swell up like a balloon…

ADALYNN / March 28, 2023 (VOD)

“A mother is fighting postpartum depression and slipping over the edge. It becomes hard to distinguish where depression ends and her nightmares turn real as she and her newborn are haunted by a stalker unlike any other.”

Probably a demonic nanny/babysitter. I had one. She let me get away with murder.

NIGHT OF THE KILLER BEARS / April 18, 2023 (VOD)

“After not seeing each other for a long time, five teenage friends living in Bangkok go on a vacation together, staying at a quiet resort isolated from the city. Things take a dark turn when it’s revealed each of them have hidden secrets, and unbeknown to the group, there is someone observing them. When one of them ends up brutally murdered, paranoia and distrust surrounds the group, motivating each remaining member to accuse each other of being the murderer or considering the possibility that the real murderer is the unseen presence observing them, and that they all are in danger.”

Bears are the new sharks in horror movies recently, what with the moderate successes of Cocaine Bear (2023), Winnie-The-Pooh: Blood and Honey (2023). But for really scare bears, that chemical pollution-mutated one in The Prophecy (1979) and the alien-mutated one in Annihilation (2018) are both pretty…grizzly.

LEGEND OF THE WHITE DRAGON / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Erik Reed, The White Dragon, has returned home to Virtuo City three years later after being defeated in a colossal battle against the ancient overlord, Ashtagor. The crystal he used to become the White Dragon was broken in two as a result of the epic battle, both pieces were subsequently lost. Being blamed for the destruction and collateral lives lost, his identity was outed after the battle thus making him a fugitive from the law. We now follow Erik on his journey as he teams up with treasure hunters from the past who help him reclaim his power as the White Dragon. Once reunited with his powers, he and his team are now ready to battle a new threat, Dragon Prime, who seeks revenge against the White Dragon and try and defeat Dragon Prime in order to get one step closer to clearing his name and being able to protect his family from an ancient evil that still lurks in the darkness — Ashtagor.”

A lot going on here. Then again, the trailer explodes with spaceships, punching violence, future bikinis, ancient overlords with dumb names, revenge glares and costumes that look more at home in a 1980s video game. So yeah, I’ll watch the movie.

DEADLAND / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A U.S. Border Patrol Agent tries to apprehend the ghost of his father, a grave decision that will haunt him forever.”

Related or not, ghost criminals are the worst because it’s near to impossible to keep ’em in jail, what with being able to walk through walls ’n stuff.

Cuddly Kaiju, Filming Bigfoot, Killer Whales

Godzilla is the KISS of merchandising, having his likeness/logo/iconic beer belch attached to literal hundreds of products, ranging from designer underwear and hot sauce to 100% Toho™ cotton bed sheets and a themed hotels (Hotel Gracery Shinjuku, for a reasonable $125 a night). And thanks to Quantam Mechanix™, Godzilla is now a plush zipperhead. And no, that wasn’t me calling him names. Godzilla has been turned into a plush toy (fancy term for being stuffed) with a mouth that can be opened/closed with zipper lips. (That sounds like a cool name for a new Godzilla foe or a punk band.)

Godzilla Zippermouth Plush comes in a set of four: Godzilla Burning, Godzilla Atomic Breath, Godzilla Standard, Godzilla Black and White. This set sells for $139.99 and has these features: “Charming, edgy, and packed with personality, these Godzilla Zippermouth Plush are soft, cute, and full of details that will appeal to kids and even the most discerning collector. Measuring approximately 8 1/2-inches tall, each plush features individually stuffed claws; embroidered details on his eyes, nose, spine; and custom-dyed fabric that’s super soft to the touch. They also sport a trademark Quantum Mechanix™ zippered smile you can unzip to reveal Godzilla’s destructive grin!”

Destructive grin. A possible name for a rotgut craft cocktail. These plushies arrive in June 2023 and you can reserve yours here. And while you start a punk band and/or sip some rotgut, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/TV series that may or may not leave you feeling stuffed…

SOMETHING WALKS IN THE WOODS / Out now (VOD)

“A viral video shows a mysterious figure walking along the edge of the woods each day, and filmmaker Bill Howard sets out to spend a night there to find out exactly what it is.”

It’s Bigfoot looking to pound the film out of anyone pointing a camera in his general direction

THE REAPER MAN / April 18, 2023 (VOD)

“A grieving wife summons a dark spirit with an insatiable desire for revenge.”

I liked this better when it was called Pumpkinhead (1988).

SYMPATHY FOR THE DEVIL / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“After being forced to drive a mysterious passenger at gunpoint, a man finds himself in a high-stakes game of cat and mouse where it becomes clear that not everything is as it seems.”

This one stars Nicolas Cage, who has already been in 415 movies so far this year.

THE SWARM / Release pending 2023 (Streaming Series)

“Whales begin sinking ships. Toxic, eyeless crabs poison Long Island’s water supply. The North Sea shelf collapses, killing thousands in Europe. Around the world, people are beginning to feel the effects of the ocean’s revenge as the seas and their inhabitants begin a ‘violent revolution’ against mankind. At stake is the survival of the Earth’s very fragile ecology — and ultimately, the survival of humanity.”

They had me at whales sinking ships. Points also for eyeless crabs.