Land Shark Has A Dirt-y Mouth

2020’s Land Shark is identically the same as first released Land Shark (2017). In order to avoid a death-by-bankruptcy lawsuit, Land Shark might consider changing its title to Soil Sushi or Ground Gobbler or Tooth Acres. Worth looking into.

Land Shark gives new meaning to the phrase, “eat my dirt” in that this ‘roid-raging, GMO-modified molar mouth really chews up the scenery — and every two-legged entrees standing on it. He can swim through the aforementioned dirt, gravel, cement, asphalt, and probably football field AstroTurf™ as easily as backstroking in a community swimming pool garnished with dangling limbs. Also, L-Shark can leap out of the water (when he’s in it), way higher than that Free Willy fat ass. 

Infused with the DNA of an earthworm (weakly explaining LS’s earthiness), the pissed off shark goes on a rampage against those who messed him up in an underwater lab, all the while taking bold liberties with Deep Blue Sea (1999) and Bait 3D (2012). It’s theorized the shark is rabidly aggressive because it wants to eat and breed. Well, heck — who doesn’t?

But the borrowing/burrowing excitement doesn’t stop underwater, with Land-o hilariously pursuing the science team through a jungle, “swimming” across the ground as if it were a Slip ’n Slide™. But in the movie’s very first scene, the shark is 99 feet long (guessing), whereas he’s merely the size of an affordable two-seater Jet-Ski here. As the movie is in unreadable/unlearnable Mandarin (I thought Mandarin was a dinky orange), it’s possible the smaller shark was a different experiment and the bigger shark was its Au pair.

The head of the company that put a lotta fins toward developing the shark wants to capture it alive. The people it ate would probably respectfully disagree. Too late — Land Shark makes to the city where he somehow gets bigger again, and loads up on some screaming take-out. I could tell you how L’Shark meets his end, but you could probably guess. (If not, he ate an explosive.)

As for the shark itself, full-on metal. Specifically, if Motörhead was a shark instead of the WORLD’S GREATEST BAND, they’d look like Land Shark.

P.S. You can watch this free on Tubi™.

P.P.S. Sand Sharks (2012) should sue both of them.

P.P.P.S. Be sure and watch Free Willy 5 — Packed in Springwater.

Artful Sharks, Southern Fried Zombies, Rioting Girls

Been marveling (again) over the non-official sales art for the upcoming big budget giant shark movie, Meg. Designed by artist David Graham, it’s so cool, the movie studio should just buy it from him and use that to sell the movie. (Not fake news: I posted this very same art in August of 2017 — and I endorse that statement.)

While David’s done several work-ups for Meg (in theaters August 10, 2018), the one featured here looks like it was inspired by another artist’s “movie” art. No party foul — when it comes to giant sharks, we’re all aquatic allies.

Speaking of vintage Jaws movie art (official or not), here’s one you may not have seen on dry/sorta wet land…

While you avoid getting in the water come August, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not take a big bite out of your life…

ATTACK OF THE SOUTHERN FRIED ZOMBIES (March 13, 2018)
“Lonnie, a crop duster pilot, must lead a mismatched group of survivors to escape the deadly zombie horde after an experimental chemical, intended to control the invasive kudzu vine, transforms the citizens of Charleston, MS into zombies.”

Did this come out in February of 2017? That’s what IMDB.com is saying. And yet the trailer on YouTube™ and the date on the movie poster itself is claiming March 13, 2018 as its release date. I’m so confused.

HE’S OUT THERE (2018)
“On vacation at a remote lake house, a mother and her two young daughters must fight for survival after falling into a terrifying and bizarre nightmare conceived by a psychopath.”

YET ANOTHER psychopath conceiving nightmares for non-psychopaths. Not sure which orchestra I fall into.

RIOT GIRLS (2018)
“Set in a world where adults have mysteriously died and resources are scarce, Riot Girls tells the story of a teenage girl who is called to action when her brother is captured by rivals and set to be executed. Joined by the girl who has always loved her, and the boy who wants to love her, the threesome tear through the crumbling suburbs on a violent road marked by sexual discovery, betrayal and brutal justice.”

Cool, but isn’t sexual discovery, betrayal and brutal justice pretty much the same thing anymore?

DARKNESS VISIBLE (2018)
“Londoner Ronnie embarks on a journey to India when his mother, Suleka, goes missing and mysteriously ends up in a Kolkata hospital. Before Ronnie can unravel the mystery of what brought his mother back to her homeland, Suleka dies in an apparent cult killing. Further deaths point to a series of past murders that stopped 28 years ago when Suleka left India with her infant son. Until now. As the darkness within Ronnie grows and the murders reach their peak, all roads lead to the feared witch of Kolkata’s insane asylum.”

I’ve been to Kolkata’s insane asylum. They must’ve changed the sign, as it now reads: The Tug Tavern. I did buy one of Kolkata’s T-shirts, though. Their branding looks a heckuva lot like Motorhead’s logo.

Zombies, Monster Book, Slasher Slumber Party

The Walking Dead, ratings juggernaut and everybody’s favorite zombie TV show that has less to do with the walking dead than humans, returns for season eight on AMC/October 22, 2017. Okay, I get that there are people who violently express they aren’t fans. Sorry you like songs all in the same key, too. (Eight years of zombies eating people? Cool, but at some point you need more than a Lazy Susan snack platter.)

Season seven ended with a gnarly nasty war brewing between main guy Rick Grimes and his people and self-proclaimed King of the New World, Negan and his hardcore followers. Kinda sounds like Congress. Sure, there were less zombies in that season than were put on the KP duty during previous years. But man, Negan is such a magnetizing character, brutally nasty and gleefully kill-y. He previously made Rick his b*tch, and now the series’ hero is about to reclaim his throne by taking off the gloves and taking on Negan, with the intent to get all kill-y on him. And I, as a die-hard (no pun intended) fan, can’t wait.

Until that booze worthy celebratory day comes, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/TV series that may or may not kill you to watch…

THE PUNISHER (Netflix/2017)
“The series revolves around Frank Castle, who uses lethal methods to fight crime as the vigilante, The Punisher.”

Right the double heck on. Frank Castle was first introduced to us on the Daredevil TV series (slated for a third season on Netflix™ later in 2017, the year of our power lords), and was a standout highlight in an increasingly “where are we going with this?” show. (Frank’s a way better adversary than any of Daredevil’s foes. I’m looking sideways in your direction, Kingpin.) And Frank, of course, is brilliantly played by Jon Bernthal, formerly the exploding firecracker, Shane Walsh of The Walking Dead series. (Spoiler — he was killed off….TWICE!)

BOOK OF MONSTERS (pending crowd-funding)
“Sophie’s 18th birthday party becomes a bloodbath when six terrifying monsters descend upon her house, intent on devouring the party guests and killing anyone who tries to leave.

As her school friends are torn apart and eaten, Sophie must rally a band of misfits and take up arms to send their party crashers back to hell. In order to survive the night, Sophie will face her destiny; monsters are real — and she’s the only one who can stop them.”

Cool title, but the premise smells a bit stinkified of the Buffy The Vampire Slayer (1997—2003) TV series, which was just a re-imagineering of Scooby Doo. They seem very specific about the amount of monsters to do the dirty work. I’m quite okay with this as it means fewer teenagers are left to take selfies and body shame me on Twitter™.

RUIN ME (2017/2018)
“Alexandra reluctantly tags along for Slasher Sleepout, an extreme event that is part camping trip, part haunted house, and part escape room. But when the fun turns deadly, Alex has to play the game if she wants to make it out alive.”

Teen horror. If you’re a teen, you may like this. If you’re not a teen, you may not like this as it borrows —deeply — from numerous, worn out horror movie plots. I only have one question — does one wear pajamas or not while attending the Slasher Sleepout? I don’t know whether to go with just floral print 100% cotton bottoms and a comfy Motörhead T-shirt, or my Spider-Man adult onesie? I should probably ask a teen.

BURNING SHADOW (2017/2018)
“After discovering a homeless man who is his exact look-alike, a former soldier is drawn into the dangerous LA underworld.”

Dude, you were looking in a mirror! Am I the only one who figured this out?

Aliens, Apes, Puppets and Motörhead

Had something quite weird happen to me the other day. There I was, watching a bunch of Bigfoot videos on YouTube™ (they’re all blurry), and one came up that showed the top 15 alleged Sasquatch creature sightings. By the time they got to number seven, I was shocked. That Bigfoot was wearing a Motörhead shirt, exactly like the one I’m wearing right now for a third day in a row. Then it hit me — that was me! Several things immediately came to mind — I was thrilled to be featured in a Bigfoot movie (Pffft — I should’ve been in the top 5). Secondly, I should probably shave. And lastly, I’m gonna kill my neighbor and his stupid new video camera.

While I go change shirts and lather up, here’s a few upcoming hairy horror/sci fi movies headed your way…

THE RECALL (June 16, 2017)
“A group of friends are spending the weekend at a cabin on the lake while unbeknown to them aliens have begun to attack planet Earth. A number of the friends are abducted immediately by the ship hovering above and the remaining two of the group, Annie and Charlie, must rely on an eccentric and dangerous hunter who seems to have special knowledge of the attack, explaining that this day has been prophecized for years and extraterrestrials have been guiding Earth’s evolution in preparation for their ultimate takeover.”

I say let the aliens take over and fix this toilet Earth. How could they run/ruin it worse than it’s being done right now? As long as they don’t mess with my health care (i.e., “probing prevention”), they have my vote.

WAR FOR THE PLANET OF THE APES (July 14, 2017)
“Caesar and his apes are forced into a deadly conflict with an army of humans led by a ruthless Colonel. After the apes suffer unimaginable losses, Caesar wrestles with his darker instincts and begins his own mythic quest to avenge his kind. As the journey finally brings them face to face, Caesar and the Colonel are pitted against each other in an epic battle that will determine the fate of both their species and the future of the planet.”

The new Planet of the Ape series has been quite exhilarating, what with thousands of monkeys flinging their poo and what not at the surviving humans. I bet they could run the world a lot better than it’s being done right now. As long as they don’t mess with my health care (i.e., medical moist towelettes), they have my vote.

ANNABELLE: CREATION (August 11, 2017)
“A dollmaker and his wife who, 20 years after the tragic death of their little girl, welcome into their home a nun and several girls from a shuttered orphanage. Soon, however, the nun and the girls become the target of the dollmaker’s possessed creation, Annabelle.”

A demonically possessed doll. Not understanding how this predictable franchise keeps getting the green light. And how is this different from the Puppetmaster (eight and counting) series? This is about as lame as me getting the idea to make a Blob sequel using of 1,000 packs of Silly Putty™.

VERONICA (August 25, 2017 / Spain / 2017/2018 U.S.)
“A young woman must protect her younger brother and sister after she attempts to bring back the spirit of their dead father through a Ouija ritual.”

Am I hearing this correctly? Is she protecting her siblings from their dead dad? What — were there spankings left unresolved before his untimely passing? Are their rooms clean? Did they not eat all their vegetables? Not seeing a plot here — and my room is clean and I alway eat my vegetables. And I haven’t been spanked by a parental poltergeist since 1990’s Ghost Dad.

Globally-Warmed Bugs

Thank you global warming for wrecking our planet. And after all we’ve done for you. Because of you, that parasitic infested woolly mammoth has defrosted, and one million (give or take) previously frozen prehistoric flesh-eating bugs have hatched and gotten into human orifices. That’s gratitude for you.

Dr. David Kruipen, an “Earth-first” kind of scientist, discovered the room-temperature mammal meat and its germs and, after watching it infect it’s way through his staff out in the field, decided it probably isn’t a good idea to let said disease get back to civilization. Too bad his estranged college-aged daughter doesn’t listen to him and flies out with several grad students to study infestation up close and, for some, really personal.

Once the little buggers get under your skin, red bumps and open sores show up all over your face and stomach, you itch yourself at socially-inconvenient times, you throw up like it was your first quart of Jagermeister™, you sweat on everything, then you die a horribly painful death, thereby hatching even more bugs. (Note: said crawlers look like the Motorhead version of caterpillars.)

The helicopter pilot discovers he caught the bug and in an “oh, crap” scene, has two people dope him up with morphine (standard research equipment), put a tourniquet just above the goal line, and chop off his infected arm with a meat cleaver (also standard equipment). The two things he needed to happen didn’t quite work out, with the knife getting stuck halfway through the former arm and the discount amputation not getting all of the infection. Sucks to be him.

In order to make the world understand the threat, the good ’old doc infects himself and plans on being the only one evacuated. His reasoning being that, yeah, a few hundred thousand may die, but this is a valuable lesson for us all to stop making the atmosphere so toxic with our SUVs and party flatulence. But the doc’s daughter has a different ending in mind — and it’s just what the doctor didn’t order.

The Thaw (2009), though a decent “bug up your butt” movie, could use a little less moralizing and a bit more meat cleaver. And some Raid™.

Rebirth of Mothra

Death Ghidorah (or “Desghidorah” if you speaka de Japanese like me) is a giganto three-headed demon Hydra monster buried under a mountain. He can’t get out because of the Seal of Elias keeping the dirt locked in place. So imagine the look on the logging company’s face when they remove the seal and accidentally let Desghidorah out. Man.

Cheering this on is the evil Belvera, a six-inch tall female Elias who rides a height/weight appropriate winged dragon called Garugaru. (He’s not really a dragon, but rather a robot. I can see where you’d get confused.) Her equally-sized sisters Lora and Mona are much nicer and do Uber™ rides Fairy Mothra. Both sides battle to regain the seal to put Desghidorah back in his mountain hole. They’re gonna need help as the very Motorhead-esque Desghidorah is 200 feet tall and shoots flames at anything that looks edible.

Summoned by song (one of three, all which are annoying because they don’t have any guitar solos), Mothra, the giant 200-foot long moth who looks like an expensive pipe cleaner, does battle with Des, but keeps getting her plumose antennae snapped. She’s getting too old for this kind of crap and psychically summons Mothra Leo, her son whose still in the egg back home on Elias Island. Hatching prematurely, Leo looks like one of Godzilla’s high-fiber breakfast leavings (complete with rest rings), and swims across the ocean to help mom.

 The tag team partnership doesn’t last long, with Mothra getting clobbered and going out to sea to die like an orange seagull. This p*sses off Leo so he cocoons himself, hatches yet again, and grows into a fully grown Mothra with extra powers (multi-colored energy beams). Good for him.

More of a movie for kids, Rebirth of Mothra (1996) does have its adult moments, like when Desghidorah bites into Caterpillar Leo like a hot dog and green/yellow goo shoots out. Probably mustard and relish. Only trees get crushed in this adventure, though a dam takes a strategic hit and flooding water knocks Desghidorah flat on his three-cheeked ass. So, like, that was cool.

Winged Blow-Torch

As with all kingdoms back in the days of yore, Alagaesia’s mayor is the patently-evil King Galbatorix. He was elected on the political platform that he’s a former dragon rider (cool). He also sold out everyone around him for money, fame, power and chicks (cooler still).

Meanwhile, outside of town, a young boy named Eragon (why didn’t they just call him Eric?) finds a blue egg, a gift from the feel-uppable Princess Arya. It hatches before Eragon can make enough egg salad for 400 sandwiches, and a baby dragon pops out. He names it Saphira. (Lame name as no one had claimed Scaly D at the time. Today at least six rappers with shingles go by it.)

Enter Brom, a local dude who becomes a dad/mentor to the recently orphaned whiner. Brom tells Eragon he is the dragon rider prophesied to kick Galbatorix’s throne and bring happy good times throughout the land. He also has to deal with an evil sorcerer (Durza) who can make black magic happen. While this spit is getting ready to hit the fan, the dragon is growing at an alarming rate, meaning that the litter box in the barn is gonna have to be emptied with a front-loader.

Eragon, under Brom’s tutelage, learns how to ride the dragon, go flying into danger and to be a good guy. BORING. If I had a flying dragon that shot flames out through its portals, let’s just say Happy Hour would get a whole lot more happier. For me, anyway.

Regardless of his clichéd quest, Eragon (2006), a total wuss, rides the lightning for truth, justice and the Alagaesia way. If he succeeds: candy and balloons will grow everywhere. If he doesn’t: black stuff will get on everyone’s shoes for all eternity. Believable dragon flying sequences, but Eragon needs to be a little more Motorhead and a lot less Air Supply.