Medical Horrors

Sick Nurses, a 2008 Thailand-made horror flick, makes about as much sense as non-alcoholic beer. Six nurses – all 18-to-22 supermodels – and a handsome doctor in a hospital that doesn’t have any patients, harvests organs from corpses and sells ’em via telemarketing techniques (phone, mostly).

One of the nurses is engaged to marry the doctor, but he already knocked up her sister, one of the other nurses. That isn’t the only secret he’s kept under his belt– he’s had affairs with all of the nurses. He’s also bisexual and has been seeing a dude on the side, who also wants to marry him. (He says no because he can’t marry a man. Oh sure, you’ll play Cambodian Wheelbarrow with him, but won’t make it official? Heartbreaking.)

The twisted sister screams that she’s going to the police to blow the lid off the arms trade. The other nurses hold her down and stab her to death, putting her next in line to be harvested. It’s win/win…until her spirit comes back seven days later for a little wheelhouse slap.

Each nurse gets the stinky end of her revenge, tailored to each girl’s personality quirk. An exercise nurse gets a work-out trying to get out of a hair cocoon. Another nurse, with an eating disorder, is forced to eat scalpel blades, which cut off the lower half of her face. Twin sister nurses are given the double whammy, with the spirit forcing one to saw off the limbs of the other. While alive, of course.

The ghost – blonde hair, rot-black skin – is not done, unleashing a zombie horde of nurses with hair-wrapped faces to go after the last one standing. And to top it all off, it’s raining outside. That’s just so cruel.

There is a twist end to this confusing mess, which involves the man who wants to marry the other man, but the other man won’t marry him. Even more weird is the end credits, which show all the girls frolicking at the beach in small bikinis, laughing and having fun as though none of ’em had been dismembered and/or face-sliced at all. (They must’ve shot that footage before the movie.)

Sick Nurses sure wears out its patients – and your patience.

Son of Godzilla

Godzilla’s son Minilla gets a moment in the family spotlight. So where’s Momzilla? Probably shopping or watching Oprahzilla with her girlfriends.

Son of Godzilla was released in 1967 in Japan as Monster Island’s Decisive Battle: Godzilla’s Son. Geez, that’s wordy. That overly stated, the environmental scientists stationed on Sogell Island (aka, Monster Island or Screaming Death Atoll) in the middle of the Pacific to conduct weather experiments probably didn’t know the place is home to Godzilla and his little turd-shaped son, Minilla.

And they probably didn’t notice the giant praying Mantis dudes (Kamacuras) hanging out, waiting to crack open Godzilla’s egg to eat Minilla. And they must’ve been so wrapped up in their assignment they didn’t see the giant spider (Kumonga) taking scenic walks around their campsite. (The mantises are referred to as Gimantis in this made-for-the-kiddies movie, and Kumonga is referred to as “Spiga.” I know this is confusing, but I’m seriously not to blame here.)

Nope, these scientists, launching radioactive pellets and colored smoke into the air, are trying to make snow. This will allow them to utilize areas like the Sahara Desert for growing food, thereby making delicious sno-cones for all the starving kids in the world.

A supermodel is discovered living on the island, the daughter of a scientist who was left there after WWII. When he and the mom croaked, the tropical hottie had every opportunity to prance around the people-uninhabited island completely naked, but chose to wear clothes. This is unfortunate as the movie’s monster action is dull and repetitive. And Minilla is so annoying as to invite death from above.

I found the weather experiment to be far more interest-worthy. That, and the supermodel. The giant spider is somewhat cool and gives Godzilla a homestyle web-whipping. In the end, though the Gimantis bugs pretty much get dry-roasted by Godzilla. But ironically it’s G’s brat who saves the day. Guess the little sh*t earned his keep. For now.

Prehistoric Flying Squirrel

The only thing unbelievable about Varan, The Unbelievable (also known as Giant Monster Varan, 1958) hand me down/cash-in Godzilla (1954) knock-off is that the movie ever got made.

Obachi (Varan’s Japanese and driver license name) lives in Kitakami, a super deep lake feared by the loco/local natives. This is where I get so confused I run into parked cars: the native citizens call their lake monster/mountain god Jigoku-no-Sanjin (like anyone can say that). Or Varan for short. The closest I can figure out is that because its name is so hard to pronounce, they changed it to Obachi for the American release. Man, I hope to Jigoku-no-Sanjin I’m right.

And because the mountain god who oddly lives in a lake instead of, oh, I don’t know, a MOUNTAIN, the military bombs the stink out of it, thereby ruining the giant monster’s bathroom. This annoys the mountain out of the lumbering (and clearly on DRUGS) Varan, who gets his by tripping into buildings and wrecking really nice landscape. (His roar sounds like he needs some Tums™.)

The American version of this “film” cut out the scenes of Varan in flight. (He looks like a prehistoric flying squirrel and you can see his nuts. Besides caveman tar tar, that’s what prehistoric flying squirrels eat. Don’t give me that look.) And all the stock war footage spliced around V makes this look like a 1950 venereal disease-gone-untreated health film. (Now there’s some real horror.)

Note to director: Good news – I wrote a three-page script for a sequel (Varan, The Slightly Believable), which is two more than you did. Bad news: You’re not directing it.

Spider Baby

Spider Baby (aka, Cannibal Orgy, 1968) is one of those cult horror movies that nearly defies description. And yet, here I go, describing my brains out like I know what I’m doing…

Lon Chaney, Jr. plays Bruno, a kind but alcoholic-puffy chauffeur/caretaker for an unusual family of young sister cannibals and their freaky brother who can only communicate by grunting, appears to be mentally-handicapped, and should probably be under the care and guidance of, say, a traveling circus. I say unusual because it’s just not right for these girls to not be in school and to run around barefoot all the time. There’s dog doo on the ground, people.

The Merrye Family, living in a mansion that looks like it was decorated by a vampire and is barely standing, are known for in-breeding and their culinary tastes. One probably relates to the other.

One of the sisters is obsessed with spiders and fancies herself one, “stinging” people with butcher knives. The other kisses the corpse of her dead father good night before bed time. (He “sleeps” in a closet.) I need to say it: ick.

Imagine the fun when relatives show up with a lawyer to ransack what’s left of the family fortune. The best scene comes when they all sit down to a homemade dinner, consisting of dead cat, weeds, and flavorful bugs. Not like they had any way of knowing, but several aunts and uncles, in advance stages of the “Merrye Syndrome,” live in the basement and are fed whatever the girls catch/hack/sting for dinner.

But things are getting out of control, what with Ralph, the “humanity challenged” brother (the iconic Sid Haig), gettin’ all hot and bothered by his sexy pin-up aunt. (Note: It was a tactical error for her to go running away from him at night outside wearing a see-through nightie and high heels.)

Bruno, only seeing one way to stop the madness, resorts to weapons of mass destruction (dynamite or something that rhymes with it). Seems a little extreme, but then again, I’m not the one with the regressive Merrye Syndrome. I do get itchy elbow every now and then, though. Hey – it bugs me.

As black horror cannibal comedies go, Spider Baby is weirdly tasty.

Super Inframan

Not really a sci-fi movie, but a 1970’s collection of three Japanese Saturday morning TV action shows that has superhero Super Inframan kung-fuing the crap out of an evil princess’ ill-tempered gang of rubberized monsters.

Super Inframan knows all the latest fighting techniques and can flip around like an epileptic pancake. He can also fly, instantly grow to the size of whatever the size of a three-story building is. And not once does he get his bright red suit smudged with criminal stains. That is SO badass.

The evil princess comes up from the earth’s core and decides to go shopping. And by shopping I mean destroy Hong Kong. She brings with her an army of bug-eyed thugs: a rock monster, a crab monster and the ridiculously cool octopus monster. (I have GOT to get me one of those octo-hats.)

Each takes on Super Inframan and each gets its mutated ass soundly trumped. The fight scenes, though, are so long you could travel to the earth’s core and back and not miss a punch. My ONLY complaint is that when Super Inframan knocks a monster on its hind tentacles, you can see the street shoes of the guy inside the suit, which only covered the legs. Talk about a buzzkill.

Entity = Gooned Out

Entity seems like a perfectly serviceable title for a horror movie. First, it doesn’t really commit itself in that an entity could be a ghost, a monster, or a homeless person that eats secondhand cats. Also, it lets YOU freak yourself out wondering what the h*ck it is. I’m already suitably gooned thinking about what the entity in the upcoming found footage movie Entity might actually be. (I really hope it has nothing to do with eating secondhand cats.)

Here’s the synopsis: “In 1998, thirty four unidentified bodies were found in shallow graves in a remote Siberian forest. After subsequent investigations, no official explanation by the Russian authorities was ever offered about the circumstances of the deaths. The case was closed.

In 2010, a small English TV crew from the show Darkest Secrets set out for the Siberian forest. Darkest Secrets focuses on revisiting the sites of unsolved crimes and they employ the gifts of a psychic whose extraordinary powers may help shed new light on cold cases.

The last communication to their production office in London stated that they were approaching the Siberian region where the bodies were found. Nothing was heard from them again. Entity is the story of what happened to them. The forest was only the beginning…”

See what I mean? Gooned, I tell you.

Of course, there was the notorious 1981 The Entity that was allegedly based on true story. Not sure how that works once you read the plot: Barbara Hershey (no relation to the candy bar) is continuously and savagely raped by an invisible demon incubus whose idea of foreplay/romance is ripping off her underwear. Those things aren’t cheap. This went on for years, but that didn’t stop her parapsychologists – who thought it was all in her head – from billing her.

There is one plus to this ugly scenario: no wet spot to sleep on.

Phantom Ship

The Phantom Ship is a tedious, 1935 black and white “thriller” based on The Mystery of the Marie Celeste. The Celeste, as you know, was one of those old-time Clippers that was found floating in the ocean with no passengers. In fact, there was still food on the table (probably not edible now), and all stations looking like they were manned before… Therein lies the mystery!

Where the heck did everyone go in such a hurry? The boat hadn’t taken on water or been battered around like a ping pong ball in a flushing toilet. So WTF? I have a few theories, one of which is a giant squid reaching over the side with its tentacles of doom, plucking the passengers off the deck like shrieking raspberries from the vine. (I have my theories about the Titanic as well, with my research pointing to the luxury liner being rammed by an ice whale.)

The Phantom Ship presents itself as a horror movie, but it’s not, even with the presence of Bela Lugosi as a looney tunes one-armed sailor (a shark ate it), who proclaims that whoever sails the Celeste, sails to their death. Geez, what a buzz-kill. This is a murder mystery that, while even only an hour long, feels like its sailing in mud.

Where are the ice whales when you need ’em?

Zombie Hunter

The upcoming Zombie Hunter puts it right on the table: “ZH follows the vengeful Hunter in his journey through the post-apocalyptic, zombie-infested wasteland. Killing in the name of the family he lost, he teams up with a group of survivors and face the deadly mutations that challenge their survival.”

Just so I have my facts straight, fresh skin eating zombies have taken over. Some guy is mad at them and, with a little help from his friends, goes around turning zombie heads into blood puddles.

Where, oh where have we heard that plot before? Oh, I remember – EVERYWHERE

So why should we watch Zombie Hunter – which sounds like just an excuse to smoosh the unliving in the smooshy face – when we get to see the undead vs. the living in the exquisitely written, directed and acted The Walking Dead on AMC every week? (I haven’t been that excited about a TV series since The X-Files and Pee Wee’s Playhouse.)

I’m not saying Zombie Hunter is bad. It just doesn’t sound any different than the eight billion zombies movies out there. That, and I can watch The Walking Dead for free. Free is good. Zombie movies that are just excuses for gore scores, not so good.

Space Children Not From Space

A space brain, the size of a fresh-from-the-oven apple pie, arrives via teleportation beams on a California beach near the Thunderer missile launch site. It later grows into throbbing cauliflower about the size of a Smart Car.™

The kids of scientists commissioned to work on the Thunderer top secret project discover the shiny brain pie and are mind enlisted to help it. The goal being to keep the Thunderer, amed with a hydrogen warhead, from being sent into space as an explosive Cold War peacekeeper.

The kids are imbued with telekenetic powers and sass talk their parents with their minds. Can you imagine how cool it would be to tell your mom and dad to got to Heck with your thoughts? I’m doing it as we speak. Not to my parents – yours. I like my mom and dad.

Even with a bomb with a name as awesome as the Thunderer, The Space Children, made in 1958 when sci-fi was supposed to be cool – is a space dud, with flat dialogue and acting, the only exception being the addition of Jackie Coogan, who gained international glory as the Addams Family’s Uncle Fester. Almost didn’t recognize him as he didn’t have a lightbulb in his mouth even once during the missile’s launch countdown. If there was ever a time to stick one in your gob, that was it.

Son of Frankenstein

Son of Frankenstein (1939) is the third in a series of 42 (gasp!) movies about Frankenstein and that “experiment gone wrong” ideology of his. In SoF, Baron Wolf von Frankenstein is not only the legitimate son of Henry Frankenstein, but has a kick ass first name as well. (Baron is the title, Wolf is the kick ass part.)

Returning to the village of Frankenstein (the family is so rich, they own you, man), Wolf, the wife and their kid return to move into the castle where dad f’d up and created a man out of dead human accessories, culminating in the villagers going medieval on his ass. Now the same villagers are gooned out that Wolf might be picking up right where his dad left off, which is bringing the dead back to life. (Some people get so uptight about such things.)

Sort of like the Triple AAA™ of monsters, Son of F does just that, while drawing the suspicions of the one-armed Inspector Krogh, who as a child lost said appendage to the Monster. (They never showed it in the original movie. That just ticks me off sideways.)

Ygor, the broken-necked assistant, who has never brushed or flossed his teeth once in his entire life, wants B-Wolf to bring his comatose monster buddy back to life so he can send the creature out to kill the remaining jury who hung him/rearranged his neck bones in the first place.

Wolf seems obsessed with making the Monster get up and do stuff. The Inspector, who provides some unintentionally comedic moments (sticking darts in his wooden arm to hold them until he’s ready to throw down) stays close by so as to bust any/everyone. Amazing dialogue throughout: “I shot him to death…with my gun. There – what are you going to do about it?”

Even though the thrill of the Monster has worn off (how many times are you jazzed about seeing a monkey at the zoo?), it’s rare that a Frankenstein movie ends on a happy note. But Son of Frankenstein makes you all fuzzy warm and filled with civic pride.

God bless Frankenstein, humanitarian.