Archive for devil

A Slew of Superheroes, Devil Sex, Heavy Metal Babysitters

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers, TV Vixens, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 3, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Elseworlds

The ratings winning CW Network is heavily pushing Elseworlds, a crossover event that takes place on December 9, 2018 on The Flash, continuing on December 10, 2018 on Arrow (as in Green Arrow), and concluding on December 11, 2018 on Supergirl. I know what I’ll be doing for three days in December.

The Flash

This one’s gonna be epic as it finally introduces Lois Lane (Superman’s “friends with benefits”), Batgirl (insert excited slobbering here), and the returning John Wesley Shipp, who played Jay Garrick in The Flash as a multiverse speedster. He seems nice.

Elseworlds

Here’s the upsell: The Flash and Arrow switch pants. Then they change their clothes again — as does Superman — to all black. (I’ve been doing that for years.) And just when you think it could be any more mind-bending, John Wesley Shipp appears as The Flash in his old costume from when he played the Flash back in the 1990 TV series and will be called Barry Allen. My mind is a fried egg right now.

Elseworlds

In the new Flash series, Shipp played Henry Allen, Barry’s dad, and was killed by Flash nemesis, Zoom. (Weird to have a metahuman named after a breakfast cereal.) Now he’s back to play the Flash like he did before his hair turned grey.

Elseworlds

There’s lots more happening in Elseworlds, so don’t think of any of this as spoilers, but rather Fritos™ and bean dip before the big dinner. But before you go to the store to stock up on Fritos™ and bean dip, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not give you grey hair…

Luciferina

LUCIFERINA (November 20, 2018/DVD | December 4, 2018 / Digital HD)
Natalia is a 19-year-old who reluctantly returns home to say goodbye to her dying father. But when she meets up with her sister and her friends, she decides instead to travel the jungle in search of a mystical plant. Instead of pleasure, they find a world of Black Masses, strange pregnancies, bloody deaths and perhaps, a sexually violent clash with the Devil himself.”

A sexually violent clash with the Devil. That’s a lot to unpack. Think this one came out last March, 2108 in some country that is foreign to me. But hey, Devil sex, magic plants, black masses — no doubt you could find those things in any civilized country/bowling alley.

Ghost in the Graveyard

GHOST IN THE GRAVEYARD (2018/2019)
A small town comes under the thumb of Martha, a vengeful ghost who returns to haunt the children who witnessed her death during a game of Ghost in the Graveyard in their youth. Long blamed for the accident, Sally Sullivan must figure out why Martha has returned and how to get her to rest in peace for good. As the mystery of her return unravels, deep secrets are revealed that will have consequences for everyone involved.”

Back from the dead, revenge, murder, blah, blah, bah. This premise is so overdone, it’s like dry meatloaf — and there’s not enough ketchup in the world to make it taste any better. For a slightly better version, try Darkness Falls (2003). That one has a teen in it.

Shed of the Dead

SHED OF THE DEAD (2019)
Trevor is between jobs. He spends his days avoiding his nagging wife by hiding out in his allotment shed and painting figurines for his war-games with his agoraphobic friend, Graham, and dreaming of his heroic alter-ego, the battle mage Casimir the Destroyer. When Mr. Parsons, one of the other allotment tenants, petitions to have Trevor removed from his disgrace of a plot (he’s not there to grow stuff!) an argument ensues that leaves Trevor with a corpse to hide. Unfortunately, this untimely accident coincides with the zombie apocalypse and Mr Parsons’ return is just the beginnings of Trevor’s problems. More pressing is whether or not he should try and save his wife and her beautiful best friend, who both he and Graham have a thing for.

Yeow, what a hot mess of a plot. Only thing missing is dry meatloaf.

Babysitter Massacre: Heavy Metal

BABYSITTER MASSACRE: HEAVY METAL (in production)
Billy Dragg breaks things off with his girlfriend and subsequently goes on a murder spree. But is he in control, or is the ghost of Viper, a dead heavy metal superstar, influencing Billy’s actions?”

Push in your stool — this will take a minute. The guy who brought us 2013’s Babysitter Massacre is not done massacring temp rental guardians. Babysitter Massacre II: Slay Bells takes place around Christmas, a few weeks after the first movie. Then follows Babysitter Massacre III: Overnight, starring a different slasher. Anything worth doing is worth overdoing, hence Babysitter Massacre: Heavy Metal. These were all funded by Kickstarter™, so don’t expect a lot of different knives or clothes. Not sure what a ghost of a heavy metal superstar has to do with changing diapers, but hey, might as well come at it with that fabled open mind people keep telling me to use.

Gigantic Giant Giants

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 7, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Big Man Japan

Daisoto is a 40-year-old introverted, divorced Japanese bachelor living in a pig-pen of a house, sitting in the park and eating the same meal every day. (Yeesh — that hits a little too close to the bone.)

Big Man Japan

Daisoto, turns out, is the last of a long line of giant monster killers. When a new Costco™-sized foe threatens Japan, the Department of Defense calls Daisoto and off he goes to a nearby power plant to get electrodes hooked up to his nipples and one million volts applied thusly.

Big Man Japan

This causes him to grow into a giant with several-story tall Eraserhead/Kid ‘N Play hair wearing a pair of stunningly purple Samurai diapers and the occasional advertising sticker on his chest. His only weapon: a telephone pole-sized steel club. He needs it — the colossal creatures that arrive out of nowhere to rearrange the city’s landscape are adversarial — and some of the most freakishly unique monsters ever seen in any country with tall knock-downable buildings.

Big Man Japan

There’s the Strangling Monster, a nearly indescribable ogre with expanding cables for arms, which it uses to throw around buildings and back flips them. It also has a comb-over. Then there’s the Stink Monster, a female creature that emits the smell of 10,000 feces. It also acts as a perfume-like attractant to other monsters. The beast Daisoto doesn’t want to face, though, is The Red One, a mega-tough child-devil creature that could end the career of Big Man Japan, thereby leaving the city unprotected and chest advertisers un-advertised.

Big Man Japan

Played as deadpan humor and as a tongue-in-cheek take on Japanese giant monster movies, you gotta see these things as there’s nothing you can compare ’em to. Except YOURSELF. I kid. Oh, and the reason his neighbors hate him so much? When in giant form Daisoto causes more destruction than he stops, uses up way too much electricity, is horrendously loud, and is not the sharpest chopstick in the drawer.

Big Man JapanWatch Big Man Japan (2009) and put it in the “WTF?” category. In the next few minutes, once you’re done hooking battery cables to your chest parts. P.S. Don’t really do that.

No Zip Code For This Ghost Town

Posted in Evil, Ghosts with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 5, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Ghost Town

A gang of cowboy (and cow lady) thugs shoot up an old west town, killing everyone, even though a local priest is brought in to save them. This would be acceptable behavior for outlaws in the 1800s, except these particular ruffians made a deal with the Devil for immortality. Why, I have no idea.

Ghost Town

Jump ahead to yesterday where a college school bus trip accidentally ends up in that same town where the souls of the ghosts are zooming around. Yes, zooming. Armed with a never ending supply of ghost bullets, the cowspooks kill off each teacher and student as if roll-calling attendance.

Ghost Town

One kid who has a thing for numbers, determines that there are seven Ankhs (which look like upside-down hangman nooses) strategically anchored around the town, forming a pentagram. (You’d only need four to form a telegram. Heh.) One of the Ankhs was removed, which gives the ghosts the keys to the city.

Ghost TownThere’s a Texas burial (put in the ground alive) and a beheading (the new go-to dismemberment), and two horny students impaled to the barn door (a bucket of cold water would’ve had almost the same effect).

Ghost Town

But the only thing worse than the characters is the dialogue, premise, dialogue, special effects, dialogue, corny digital blood, and dialogue. When the ghosts appear and disappear, their faces morph into skulls for one second. It won’t take you that long to make Ghost Town (2009) disappear from your TV screen.

Godzilla BFFs, Mutant Babies, Social Media Evil

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Evil, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 1, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Godzilla: King of the Monsters

A couple of new sales posters for the upcoming Godzilla: King of the Monsters (May 31, 2019). One doesn’t suck, one sucks, one is kinda okay. The “doesn’t suck” version, of course, depicts Godzilla choke-holdong it up in a no-holds barred street match with the clearly bigger King Ghidorah.

Godzilla: King of the Monsters

KH has three heads. Talk about multitasking; he could use one to bite Godzilla in the lunch sac, the second one to surf the Internet for kaiju porn, and the other to binge watch Game of Thrones on Netflix™. I wish I had three heads.

Godzilla: King of the Monsters

The first trailer for Godzilla: King of the Monsters is pretty badass, showing Rodan (mega huge Pterodactyl), the butterfly-esque Mothra (spokesbug for Raid™) and King G himself, who towers over the already embiggened Godzilla. 

Before you surf for kaiju porn, check out these upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may not require three brains to understand…

Cynthia

CYNTHIA (August 31, 2018 / Limited); September 18, 2018 (VOD/DVD)
Robin and Michael are college sweethearts who have everything — a perfect marriage, adorable cat, a beautiful home. But one thing is missing from this idyllic setting — a baby. After years of fertility treatments their dreams come true when Robin finds out she is pregnant. Is this a dream come true or a nightmare come to life?

Nightmare come to life. That’s what the doctor told my mom when I was born. Maybe he directed this movie. (This remind anyone of It Lives/1978)?

I Think We're Alone Now

I THINK WE’RE ALONE NOW (September 14/2018-Theaters/September 21, 2019-VOD)
“The apocalypse proves a blessing in disguise for one lucky recluse — until a second survivor arrives with the threat of companionship.”

Leave it to someone to always impose on your personal time. There goes leaving the bathroom door open during personal moments. The apocalypse sucks.

Apostle

APOSTLE (October 12, 2018)
London, 1905. Prodigal son Thomas Richardson has returned home, only to learn that his sister is being held for ransom by a religious cult. Determined to get her back at any cost, Thomas travels to the idyllic island where the cult lives under the leadership of the charismatic Prophet Malcolm. As Thomas infiltrates the island’s community, he learns that the corruption of mainland society that they claim to reject has infested the cult’s ranks nonetheless — and uncovers a secret far more evil than he could have imagined.”

What some people call religious cults, I call ‘em the barfly regulars up at the Tug Tavern. They seem to be worshiping the bartender every time I walk in there. Heck, you could call me a cult member with a bar tab. All praise a full glass and a Lyft™ ride home.

E-Demon

E-DEMON (2018)
“On a mission to bring the Devil to Earth, an escaped demon manipulates a group of friends hanging out on a video-chat. Since this ruthless demon can possess multiple people at once, knowing who to trust is the key to survival.”

More tech-savvy stink demons. Suppose you could call them malevolent malware. And you can call E-Demons YET ANOTHER teen sci-fi social media movie. Hit the delete button.

Retro Apes, Monk Madness, Virtual Lower Class

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, TV Vixens, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 6, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Planet of the Apes

Super7.com — maker of retro action figures, shirts and possibly tea-strainers of pop culture personages/things, are offering a series of six retro Planet of the Apes action figures or “toys” for a non-retro price of $15.00 each. So cool, and yet my wallet is pushing back.

Planet of the Apes

Here’s from the press release: “Super7 is beyond stoked to be part of the 50th Anniversary of the original Planet of the Apes film! Now you can travel back to an alternate universe where Apes are waiting at the toy shop after the sci-fi classic blew 1968 minds. Far out, man!”

Far out, man. I heard a hippie say that to me once. I had no idea what he was saying. Maybe it was his response to me telling him he should experience the glory of the washcloth.

Dr. Zaius

So you can get Cornelius, Dr. Zauis, General Ursus, Nova, Taylor and Zira individually or as a set for $90. (No discount for a group purchase). It should be noted that the Taylor action figure isn’t wearing clothes and when you pull the string on the Nova figure, it doesn’t say anything. (Kidding, none of ‘em have strings and most seem to wearing at least a smile.)

Click HERE snag ‘em (the packaging is way cool). And should decide not to buy ‘em. Here are a few now available/upcoming horror and sci-fi films that unfortunately talk when you pull the string…

The Nursery

THE NURSERY (available now)
“When Ranae, a college student babysits for a family with a tragic history, she finds herself stalked by a sinister presence and haunted by ghosts from her own past. Soon, she and her friends must confront the angry, evil spirit hunting them down one-by-one on a deliberate march towards its ultimate prey.”

Geez — what is it with people “haunted by ghosts from their own past”? Who doesn’t have that? heck, I have about a baker’s dozen — or Th13teen Ghosts (heh) — of ‘em just waiting to trip me up every time I’m hired to babysit. Hey, it beats delivering newspapers in the rain. Like the ghosts, that B.S. messes up my hair.

House of Evil

HOUSE OF EVIL (available now)
“Set in the early 70’s, House of Evil tells the story of a young couple, John and Kate, that move into an old mansion in the countryside. Soon they discover that the house is haunted by the Devil himself, who want to possess them and enter the world.”

Even though it was filmed in Italy and released in 2017 where Italian food was born and tastes way better than it does over here in the States, this is an English language flick. Never mind that the plot is so worn out, even the Devil herself only makes cameos; Italian food is tastier than hell.

The Apperance

THE APPEARANCE (2018)
“An officer of the Inquisition and rational man of science, visits a remote monastery to investigate a bizarre murder of a monk. Something evil is afoot. But is the terror man-made or the result of witchcraft?”

Nope, it’s witchcraft. It’s the only thing that makes sense, especially when you have an evil foot.

Empathy, Inc.

EMPATHY, INC. (June 24, 2018)
“At the lowest and most desperate moment in his life, hotshot venture capitalist Joel meets old friend Nicolaus and his business partner Lester, who are seeking investors in a new technology known as XVRXtreme Virtual Reality — from their company Empathy, Inc., which is said to offer the most realistic and moving experiences for users by placing them in the lives of the less fortunate. Joel gets the startup its funds but soon discovers that the tech’s creators have far more sinister uses in store for their creation and that the reality it provides its customers isn’t virtual.”

This borrows heavily from 1984’s Dreamscape. But if Empathy, Inc. want real virtual experiences for their customers, best to not let them put their pity hat on to step into my shoes. I have an evil afoot.

Horror Kids, Old UFOs, Fighting The Devil

Posted in Aliens, Asian Sci-Fi, Classic Horror, Evil, Science Fiction, Slashers, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 21, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Horrorible Kids

If you’re a fan of the Garbage Pail Kids cards, check out Horrorible Kids, a line of illustrated horror movie icon trading cards/stickers from Magic Marker Art. These things are so cool, you could give ‘em out as wedding gifts or just carry one or more in your wallet to replace that mug shot that is your driver’s license photo.Horrorible Kids

From the press release: “Now up for pre-order through Pingitore’s Magic Marker Art, you can grab single packs, 5-packs and 24-pack boxes, as well as a ‘Horrorible Kids’ retro collector album!”

Horrorible Kids

At $4 for a single pack and $65 for an entire box, you pretty much have no excuse not to rummage through your mom’s purse to get the credit card coinage needed to purchase these must-have cards. Mom won’t mind, especially if you give her a pack or two for Mother’s Day and/or Christmas.Horrorible Kids

Horrorible Kids cards are due to arrive July 2018, so plan on skipping rent in June. And while you’re clicking HERE to pre-order, here are a few now available/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/documentaries that may or may not make good Mother’s Day/Christmas gifts…

Roswell: 70 Years Later

ROSWELL 70 YEARS LATER (available now)
“70 years after the supposed UFO crash in Roswell, NM experts shed light on what may have happened that night in 1947.”

Not “may have happened,” it’s what DID happen. All the extraterrestrials I’ve hung out with insist one ‘em had a little too much moon juice at the Little A’Le’Inn, tried driving home drunk and crashed its saucer. The insurance company covered it up and the rest is folklore history.

Bleeding Steel

BLEEDING STEEL (July 6, 2018)
Lin is a police inspector in modern Hong Kong. While tracking down a deranged, mecha-enhanced villain, Lin discovers that a geneticist’s lost bio-chemical invention has been surgically implanted into his missing daughter. With the help of a young hacker, Lin connects the dots between the device that haunts his daughter, his enemy’s sinister army, and a strange cultural phenomenon called Bleeding Steel.”

Bleeding Steel sounds cool as a movie title, but better as a heavy metal band name. Metal bands are mecha-enhanced and drink blood, so it all fits together like some sort of album.

Gags

GAGS (2018)
“It’s been eight days since the clown first showed up in Green Bay, WI. Now, over the course of one night, four different groups of people cross paths with the clown everyone calls ‘Gags’ and his true intentions are finally revealed.”

Never understood the whole “silent scary clown on the roadside/neighborhood” craze that went on a few years ago. Seemed kinda dumb considering it was overkill — bars are still loaded with enough clowns as it is.

Luciferina

LUCIFERINA (2018)
“Nineteen-year-old nun-in-training Natalia reluctantly returns home to say goodbye to her dying father. However, when she meets up with her sister and her friends, they all decide to travel into the jungle in search of mystical plant. But what they find instead is a world of black masses, strange pregnancies, violent deaths, as well as a climactic, shocking clash with the Devil himself that will leave you speechless.”

I’ve met the Devil. She’s not such a bad guy.

A Contract With Death

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil with tags , , , , , , , , , , on April 7, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Devil's Partner

In The Devil’s Partner (1962), a Twilight Zone reject, Pete Jensen is a scraggly hermit who looks like he’s older than lava. He also lives in wooden shack just outside of the appropriately named Furnace Flats, NM. Let’s just say if you wanted to, you could fry an egg on Pete’s dirt porch.

The Devil's Partner

Before Pete kicks the furnace, he sacrifices a goat in his living room (actually the only room in the “house”), smears the animal blood on a hexagram he painted on the floor and hides with a goat skin rug, and makes a pact with the Devil in writing, promising to loan out his soul for two years in exchange for turning young and handsome in order to get busy with Nell, the town’s young hottie.

The Devil's Partner

The Devil grants Pete his wish — he’s now “Nick” and lookin’ slick! He “arrives” back in town as Pete’s nephew, moves back in to the old shack, and starts his plan to snare Nell in his web of deceit. And dang, it works, even though Nell is engaged to handsome gas station owner, David. Heck, so convincing is Nick as a happenin’ and polite young man, David even offers him a job.

The Devil's Partner

But he needs to clear the field of people that are Nick-blocking his attempts to make smooch happen with Nell. First, he uses his “powers” to take out a guy with poison goat’s milk. (I thought all goat’s milk tasted like poison.) Then Nick possesses a pet dog to bite half David’s face off. Then he turns into a horse that stomps the buzz out of the town drunk. But there’s one more person Nick needs to put down — David. Prior, Scar-Face Dave has been treating Nell like a goat and plans on leaving town for good. When Nell goes to Nick for solace, he makes smooch happen. All according to plan.

The Devil's Partner

Furnace Flats’ sheriff and the town doctor (also Nell’s pop) are hot on the bloody trail. Nick turns himself into a rattlesnake (implied, not shown) and goes to bite the rest of David’s face off. Dave’s ready for him — with a gun. Shots were fired, words were said, and everybody puts the clues — and bloody trail — together, and finds the snake in the grass. There it turns into a dying Nick who shall no more make smooch happen.

The Devil's PartnerYou don’t get to see the Devil, but you get to see his evil hands. They look dirty. All the deaths are not shown (except the goat milk guy falling to the floor), and despite Furnace Flats’ dry and dusty hot temps, at no point does Nell slip into a socially acceptable bikini. So yeah, be prepared to be let down.