Hell Liquor, Animated Titan, Evil Gas

Naga Chilli Vodka™, sporting a demon skull on the label, claims to be the hottest vodka on the planet by its distillers, The Hot Enough Vodka Co.™ They claim its rated at 500,000 Scovilles, the scale used to measure the “heat” of chili peppers, first created by American pharmacist Wilbur Scoville in 1912. (People back then sprinkled gunpowder on their grits, which had a nice kick.) 

To give you a sense of what kind of heat we’re talking about, 500,000 Scovilles puts the vodka in the hell-seeking range of the Red Savina Habanero on a scale that ranges from 350,000 to 750,000. By comparison, the soul-incinerating Ghost Pepper comes in at around 1,000,000 Scovilles. However, GP lost the cremation crown to the Trinidad Moruga Scorpion — which sits warmly at the 1,200,000 mark — and the dreaded Carolina Reaper kicking them all in the ash with a scorched earth 1,500,000+ Scovilles. Any of the these pepper names could easily be a horror movie/horror monster. 

If you can’t stand the heat, here’s a hilarious review of the Naga Chili Vodka™ From Master of Malt™, a booze reviews website: “The Hot Enough Vodka Co.™ have created another monster, summoned from the very bowels of Hell, formed in a vile carboy filled with a horrid mound of Naga Jolokia chillies, steeped in grain vodka. It’s packaged in a handsome, heavy glass bottle with industrial-grade sealing wire and lead security seal (with a skull and crossbones embossed on it). To get to this bottle, you’ll literally have to open it with wire cutters, but we strongly recommend that you don’t. In fact, this unspeakable 500,000 Scovilles vodka is a chilli vodka so horrendous we suggest you don’t even purchase it. Please just shut down your computer and have a nice cup of tea instead. Try to forget what you saw.”

All of that actually makes me wanna try it. So while we all take bar bets on doing shots of this stuff, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/animated series that may or may not be peppery enough for you…

SKULL ISLAND / June 22, 2023 (Netflix™)

“Skull Island takes viewers on a thrilling adventure as a group of kind-hearted explorers rescues Annie from the ocean, unaware that their act of heroism will lead them to the treacherous Skull Island. This enigmatic place is home to bizarre creatures and terrifying monsters, including the mighty titan himself, Kong.”

Been anticipating this one, even though it’s an animated series. Wonder if cartoon gorillas throw their leavings around like the ones at the zoo do. Or would that be…zoo doo? I think I made that joke before. Crap.

NATTY KNOCKS / July 21, 2023 (VOD)

“On Halloween Eve, a small-town babysitter and the kids she is looking after struggle to survive a serial killer named Abner Honeywell.”

I liked this better when it was released in 1978.

ALL HALLOWS’ EVE: TRICKSTER / October 2023 (VOD)

“When a lost traveler comes across an isolated rural gas station on Halloween night, she thinks she’s found her way home. Unbeknown to her, the eerie gas station is the residence of a family of degenerate, devilish creatures. As the night descends into a hellish nightmare, the young woman becomes the center of an occult ritual featuring the Devil himself.”

Eerie rural gas stations are the only places you can get unleaded evil.

AMITYVILLE BACKPACK / Pending crowdfunding 2023 (VOD)

“A rather hapless dude buys a backpack at a garage sale. When people around him turn up dead, he comes to believe his new accessory may be to blame. Tracking its history, he discovers it has connections back to a haunted house in a small town called Amityville.”

A killer backpack. I got a backpack for Christmas one year as a hint to get me away from the TV and get some fresh air and exercise. Alas, it remains in a hall closet, with me preferring to be possessed by the couch.

Super Smock, Heavy Metal Death, Grasshopper Man

Yahoo! Life™ recently posted an article by writer Eric Dias titled, The Complete Supergirl Costume History From the ’50s to The Flash. A daunting task given it also includes her costume evolution through the comic book/graphic novels and TV shows as well as movies. Well-researched as the article is (read it here), it didn’t scratch the surface of all the Multiverse Forever 21s™ Supergirl shops at. (Note of debatable importance: It also didn’t acknowledge the 1920s AI fan-made Supergirl on YouTube™, sporting white ensemble with gold belt and black boots. At least I think it’s those colors — it’s all in black and white, which were the colors of the day in the ’20s.)

The article also left out the first two iterations of TV Supergirl’s costume, designed by co-worker Winn Schott (cool name). Both were, um, rather stripped down before settling on the classic cape ‘n skirt version from the comic books and the Supergirl movie from 1984. Also not noted was the Supergirl “costume” worn by Laura Vandervoort in the coming-of-age superhero CW™ TV series, Smallville (2001 – 2011). Her outfit was exactly like the iconic supersuit, except she didn’t have a cape or an “S” on her chest, which didn’t need embellishment.

This brings us to 2023’s Supergirl in the upcoming (as of this writing) The Flash movie, with Sasha Calle as Kara Zor-El wearing a costume that combines the TV Supergirl’s casual Friday pant suit with that of Superman, whose been wearing the same duds since 1938.

So while we all go shopping online to get our Supergirl cosplay on, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make you look fat…

DAY ZERO / May 23, 2023 (VOD), June 11, 2023 (Blu-ray/DVD)

“After serving eight incident-free years in prison, a former elite soldier is released, finally free to reunite with his estranged wife and young daughter. However, he re-enters civilization only to discover that the outside world has been completely overtaken by a dangerous virus with terrifying effects on the human body.”

What virus doesn’t have a dangerous effect on the body? I once caught smooth jazzitis after accidentally drinking a Zima™ from a dirty sippy cup (I thought it was vodka), but thanks to applied doses of Motörhead lozenges, I made a full recovery. 

DEATH METAL / May 30, 2023 (Blu-ray)

“A death metal band is on its last legs after a disastrous European tour and is about to be dropped by their label. Hiring a legendary producer from the Norwegian black metal scene, the band sets out to record their latest album in a remote farmhouse outfitted with top-of-the-line gear. Ivan, the lead guitarist, plans to record The Devil’s Concerto, a piece of music he brought back from Europe that — according to myth — drives audiences mad. What the band didn’t expect was that the myth was true, and they must now survive the curse that’s been unleashed.”

The Devil’s Concerto is played in the key of E(vil). Heh. Looking forward to the soundtrack as it includes concertos by Incantation, Cannibal Corpse, Shed the Skin, FaithXtractor, Embalmer, Nunslaughter, Blackfinger, The Convalescence, Prophecy of Azrael, and Casket Sacrifice. They all seem nice.

THE SOUND OF SUMMER / June 13, 2023 (Blu-ray)

In the relentless heat of the grueling summer, temperatures soar to blistering levels as cicadas emerge to sing their ear-shattering song. Months of continued exposure is enough to make anyone start to feel a little off. Anyone, that is, except that oddity the locals call the Cicada Man. Who is that strange man and why is he always walking around with boxes full of live cicadas? More important, what does he do with them? As the heat starts to get to our heroine, and her sanity depletes, real life and delusion begin to mix. Her darkest nightmares seep into our world and she fears the Cicada Man has planted his swarm of insects inside her. She must get them out — at all costs. Thus begins her downward spiral into extreme paranoia and self-mutilation.”

Cicada is just a fancy word for grasshopper. Still, they had me at “cicadas emerge to sing their ear-shattering song.” Wouldn’t have the same zing if it was “grasshoppers emerge to sing their ear-shattering song.”

THE HOPEWELL HAUNTING / June 16 2023 (VOD)

“When a mysterious and frightened young couple arrives in the small town of Hopewell, they immediately flee their rural, dilapidated home in terror. With nowhere to go, they turn to an elderly, jaded preacher for help. After he begrudgingly agrees to bless their troubled abode, he finds himself face to face with the unknown in what locals have dubbed the most haunted house in Kentucky.”

Kentucky, eh? Maybe they should call this The Amityville Hillbilly.

Scary Clothes, Electrocuties, Apocalypse On The Rocks

Horror merch sites are like porn websites — just when you think you’ve seen ‘em all, a new one pops up. While most are pretty dang cool (Fright-Rags, Pizza Printing Party, Nightmare Toys), few are as maniacally colorful and bent brain wild as BeastWreck. Shirts of their original horror/sci-fi art will actually scare your other shirts right out of the closet, or in my case, the clean pile, which looks a heckuva lot like the dirty pile.

BreastWreck’s melding of horror and pop culture is printed on the aforementioned shirt, but hoodies, stickers, decals (fancy name for stickers), lapel pins, key chains, and patches as well. Need frameable art? BW’s art print horror homages to Gigan, The Thing, Friday the 13th and RoboCop are essential interior decorating, or in my case, inferior decorating.

While you click here to get some of BeastWreck’s awesome swag, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/series that may or may not belong in a clean pile…

THE HEADMISTRESS / March 3, 3023 (VOD)

“When a debt-ridden teacher inherits an abandoned lakefront inn, she and a group of potential buyers visit the property, where they discover a dark, sinister secret and a malignant supernatural presence determined to keep them there forever.”

It’s called a mortgage.

THE POWER / March 31, 2023 (Amazon Prime Video™)

“A group of teenage girls mysteriously develop a special power that allows them to electrocute people at will.”

You mean teenage girls don’t already have that power?

SPIN THE WHEEL / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“During the last hours of the world complete strangers all find their way to a local watering hole to enjoy a few beverages for their last hours of existence. Little do they know that a man named Lou may or may not be the Devil. He offers each of them a chance to save the world, but only if they can beat him at a game of Russian Roulette. Each stranger in the bar has their own secrets, which slowly surface throughout the game’s runtime.”

The world is ending and you’re only having a “few” beverages? I’d drink like there’s no tomorrow. 

WHAT THE WATERS LEFT BEHIND: SCARS / Release pending, 2023 (VOD)

“An Anglo-American indie rock band winds up stranded in Epecuén, where their internal conflicts and the bad luck of their tour quickly lose importance before the hell that awaits them.”

Epecuén is located in the Buenos Aires Province of Argentina and is famous for being flooded in 1985 when a dam broke and became known as the town that drowned. What this has to do with the movie I have no idea. But it sounds like a better plot than whatever this one has.

Devil Barf, Ghost Coffins, Head Removal

How could 1973’s The Exorcist not be what the guy at the grocery store says is the scariest horror movie ever made when it has everything: religion gone wild, spin class barfing, multisyllabic naughty words, skull rotation, crucifix polishing, Latin beerspeak, demon boners… You’d have to go to church — or the Tug Tavern — to get that kind of party. Or do you? Now you can own an exquisitely detailed 1/10th scale model of the devil-possessed 12-year-old Regan MacNeil in her iconic bed pose right before she did a soul swap with backup priest Father Karras, making him jump out a five-story window onto the unrepentant cement stairs below…and Jesus not catching him.

From Iron Studios™ and BigBadToys.com: “Confined and restrained in her room on a bed with a padded headboard and foot-board to protect its occupant, a demonic evil entity possesses the body of a preteen girl, making her body physically distorted and covered in wounds. All the diabolic spirit that lives in her body wishes for is to cause the death of its innocent host. Considered by many as the most terrifying movies of all time, Iron Studios present their Possessed Regan MacNeil statue of the bedeviled protagonist from The Exorcist, one of the greatest horror films ever.”

While this limited edition statue doesn’t come accessorized with action puke (you can load up at the Tug Tavern), the model is hand-painted and made of bible-resistant polystone. And it will possess your wallet for $219.99 (estimated arrival 3rd quarter 2023). A suggestion would be to raid the nearest collection plate.

While you’re in confession (10 Hail Bloody Marys usually gets me off the hook —and puts me on other ones), here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not make you shout at the Devil — or your shoes… 

OPEN THE COFFIN / Out now (YouTube™)

“A detective investigates supernatural mystery murders that seem to be the result of a curse.”

Where would supernatural murder mysteries be without curses? That’s like having a used car sale without balloons.

IVANNA / Out now (YouTube™)

“A beautiful young woman, who has limited vision, and her family and friends are terrorized when they celebrate Lebaran at an old house in the Bandung area. She has visions of the previous owner, a Dutch woman named Ivanna who was murdered during the Japanese invasion of Indonesia in 1943. Now, Ivanna’s spirit has returned to the house seeking revenge.”

The ghost of Ivanna decapitates her victims. This no doubt is what’s causing the drastic decline of comb sales in Bandung.

KUNTILANAK 3 / Out now (YouTube™)

“Dinda, who is considered strange by the village children because of her strength, accidentally injures Panji and Ambar. Regretting her actions, Dinda asks Aunt Dona to register her at the Mata Hati School, so that she can learn to control her power.”

Just think of what you can do with super strength — open stuck peanut butter jar lids. Give me a minute and I’ll think of another one.

AMBER ROAD / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Amber Road is a hidden place in the digital universe where anything can be bought, sold and traded. It is a place where a person can fulfill their darkest desire or unleash their deepest depravity. And once you travel down that path, there comes a point where you can never return. A husband and wife awaken to find themselves trapped in a basement dungeon apparently at the hands of a serial killer driven by the demands and requests of sick and demented individuals finding a community on the dark web.”

Is it just me, or does this darkest desire digital universe sound like Amazon.com?

Monstrous Manuals, Predatory Fossils, Divine DNA

There’s only one thing better than watching horror movies. Okay, having a refreshing adult beverage ranks right up there. But staying with the theme of horror (again, quit making me write about drinking), READING about horror is the next best thing. 

Where to start, though? There are currently one billion trillion books on horror, with another seven million coming out this week. A suggestion would be to head on over to Rue Morgue’s fantastic website and pick up Monstro Bizzaro: An Essential Manual of Mysterious Monsters (132 pages/soft bound), their comprehensive compendium of all things crytpid and folklore. And it’s only $14.95. Heck, you’d pay that for a keg of St. Ides High Gravity Malt Liquor™ or seven 7-Eleven™ Cupcake Vodka martinis. (And yes, Cupcake Vodka is a real thing — I bought a case. It’s absolutely face-imploding. As I’m not wasteful, I’ll drink the rest and angrily demand a refund.)

And Rue Morgue publishes a variety of cool horror movie books. For instance, their Authorized Phantasm Film Companion pairs nicely with a cupcake martini. And who wouldn’t want to peruse Rue’s Monster Movie Heroes must-read while nuzzling a chilled, austere carafe of Colt 45™? At this point all you’d need is an overstuffed reading chair (or couch), a gently burning fire (preferably in a fireplace), your fav jammies (underwear) and a bathroom close by.

While you go to RueMorgue.com to expand your horror library — and a discount liquor store to explore the horror that is your life choices — here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as rewarding as a scintillating quart of King Cobra™…

PTERODACTYL / Out now (Tubi™)

“A young woman travels to a remote island to find her missing sister.”

Given the movie’s title/art, seems like they left out a few details. Allow me: “A young woman travels to a remote island to find her missing sister…only to find her turned into a human snack bar by once-thought prehistoric parrots, who swallow without chewing her innards as if they were Oyster Rockefellers.” And there you go.

DRAGON FURY: WRATH OF THE FIRE / Out now (VOD)

“After surviving the events of the first movie, Vanessa has gone into hiding after being threatened by the government. However, a group of researchers find and convince her to go back to the mountains — and this time the dragons are more deadly than ever.”

This one was also called (or “referred to”) as Dragon Fury 2: Return To the Mountains. I like the new title better as it has a little more zing to it. The movie itself? Not so much.

SADISTIC: THE EXORCISM OF LILY DECKERT / Out now (VOD)

“A young woman becomes possessed by an evil entity after visiting a haunted house.”

Where else are you gonna get possessed by evil, besides church, that is? Usually when I become possessed by an evil entity, I run to the bathroom, stick a plunger down my neck, spew the foulness all over everything except the toilet, and swear to whoever lives in those puffy storm clouds in the sky that I will NEVER go back to Taco Bell™ and eat their Crunchwrap Supreme® Combo ever again. Until next week, maybe.

THE DEVIL CONSPIRACY / January 13, 2023 (Theaters)

“A powerful biotech company has breakthrough technology allowing them to clone history’s most influential people with just a few fragments of DNA. Behind this company is a cabal of Satanists that steals the shroud of Christ, putting them in possession of Jesus’ DNA. The clone will serve as the ultimate offering to the Devil. Archangel Michael comes to Earth and will stop at nothing to end the Devil’s conspiracy.”

I can see the reviews now: “The Vatican Gives A Five-Star Pentagram For The Devil Conspiracy!” “Holy Moley!” enthuses Pope Larry. “It’s the most original plot since The Exorcist! Hope that Jesus guy doesn’t get ‘cross’ for us saying that…”

Heavy Metal Horror, Bigfoot Booby Trap, Satanic Diapers

What happens when you mix (or “combine”) comic books with horror and heavy metal? A reason to read, that’s what. This is what we’re getting with Black Tape, a new original horror mystery comic series from AWA Studios, telling the “fictional story of miscreant and rock idol, Jack King.” Um, fictional? I thought all rock stars were miscreants. In fact, there is/was a metal band called Miscreant. (Their 1996 album Inside The Beyond could easily be turned into a comic type book.)

From AWA Studios’ press release: “When Jack King dies suddenly at the height of his musical reign and his cause of death comes with neither rhyme or reason, subsequent events paint a picture of a singing superstar caught in a web of lies, addiction, and even the unholy powers of the occult.”

Art imitates life. Written by award-winning comic creator Dan Panosian (Iron Man, Wolverine) and illustrated by renowned international artist Dalibor Talajiæ (Deadpool, Logan), the four-issue Black Tape is situated in 1960s Los Angeles. (I thought ‘60s bands were either jingle writers for hot dog commercials or beatniks. Or both.) 

While we contemplate turning off the TV and reading a comic book (tough choice), here are few upcoming horror movies that may or may not make you bang your head to the hummable, rhythmic nature of heavy metal, or against a concrete retaining wall (same results)…

THE BIGFOOT TRAP / September 1, 2023 (VOD)

“A journalist’s life is changed forever when he’s locked inside a Bigfoot trap by an insane Sasquatch hunter.”

Bigfoot laughs derisively at the irony.

LEAVE / October 28, 2022 (Norway), Release pending 2023/2024 (US)

“A young woman tries to find her origins after having been abandoned as an infant at a cemetery wrapped in a cloth with satanic symbols. But as she gets closer to answers, a malevolent spirit is telling her to leave.”

Looked everywhere but couldn’t find said Pampers™ with pentagrams on ‘em. I did, though, come across a knock-off brand sporting upside down cross skid marks on both the inside AND outside. A malevolent spirit warned me not to buy ‘em, but I was unable to resist temptation. Evil — thy name is clearance sale.

OX-HEAD VILLAGE / Release pending 2022/2023 (VOD)

“After broadcasting a prank about a haunted building on their social media, three girls disappear. Rumors surface that they were victims of The Ox-Head Village Curse, triggering an investigation by two of their friends, desperate to find the truth about what happened.”

Three down, several hundred million to go.

MASTEMAH / June 29, 2022 (France) TBD 2022/2023 (US)

“After a traumatic accident during a hypnosis seance, Louise, a young psychiatric, opens a new office in the middle of nowhere. When she starts analyzing Theo, a dark and mysterious man, people around her start to die. Could she be confronted by the Devil himself?”

Had to look up this one: “Mastema, a personification of the Hebrew word mastemah, is an angel who appears in the Book of Jubilees, and is the father of all evil. He carries out punishments for God, as well as tempting humans and testing their faith.”

In the Book of JuJubes, however, Mastema tempts humans with colorful, gummy candy drops, testing not only their faith, but the sweet tooth as well. As if it needs to be said, those things are wickedly irresistible — and I wouldst like to live deliciously.

Alien Finger, Devil Theater, Robot Santa

E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial, a sugary, family “sci-fi” movie, came out in 1982. The starring the Earth-bound “alien,” designed to sell one million billion toys, looked like a carnival plush toy resembling a turd with big sad eyes. And E.T.’s extra-long probing finger, with a glowing light instead of a fingernail, uncomfortably reminds me of my proctologist, Dr. “Big Finger” Linderman. To quote E.T., “Ouuuuch!”

Now, 40 years later, you can own the actual animatronic metal skeleton they made E.T. with, is up for grabs. Here are the details from Julien’s Auctions and TCM Present: Icons and Idols: Hollywood auction: “Headlining this epic event is the E.T. the Extra Terrestrial Hero ‘#1’ mechatronic filming model ‘actor’ that brought the eponymous character to life in Steven Spielberg’s 1982 classic E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial (estimate: $2,000,000 – $3,000,000). Pre-dating modern CGI technology and effects, this one-of-a-kind cinematographic relic (constructed in 1981) features 85 points of movement and is regarded as an engineering masterpiece.”

While you decide to bid on this item or engineering your own toilet masterpiece, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not give you turd-like sad eyes…

NANNY / November 23, 2022 (Theaters) / December 16, 2022 (Amazon Prime Video™)

“A Senegalese immigrant nanny is working for a privileged couple in NYC. A violent presence invades her reality, threatening the American Dream she is painstakingly piecing together.”

If she’s a nanny, only one thing could be a violent presence — a fully loaded diaper.

DEBBIE AND THE DEVIL / December 9, 2022 (Theaters)

“Sally and Johnny escape a mass shooting and hide out in Mister Red’s (aka, Satan) movie theater where they are shown three horror films, each one involving the Devil’s agents and their victims.”

And Satan even hands out snacks to enjoy during the movie — Red Hots™. Man, that’s comedy gold.

CHRISTMAS BLOODY CHRISTMAS / December 9, 2022 (Theaters, Shudder™)

“It’s Christmas Eve and Tori just wants to get drunk and party. But when a robotic Santa Clause at a nearby toy store goes haywire and begins a rampant killing spree through her small town, she’s forced into a battle for survival.”

Call the plagiarism police — they STOLE this plot from Futurama. Specifically, “Xmas Story,” which had a robot Santa shooting/exploding up the town and anyone in the way of said shooting/exploding. More specifically, Episode 4, Season 2, which aired on December 19, 1999. Television NEVER forgets.

JERUZALEM 2 / January 1, 2023 (Theaters)

“When doomsday happens on their wedding day, a couple in Jerusalem must bring their families together to put aside their cultural differences and battle demons tasked with ridding the Holy City of impure souls.”

I thought a doomsday and a wedding day were the same thing. Heh. That said, the movie poster’s tagline proclaims there are three Gates to Hell: one in the desert, one in the ocean and one in Jerusalem (or “Jeruzalem”). They’re totally forgetting/ignoring the Tug Tavern. So yeah, FOUR Gates to Hell. They need to redo the movie poster.

Hellish Sex, Christmas Death Kiss, Gourd Goo

You always want to look your best for Halloween, despite your skin’s tendency to freshness-expire. And you can do that with Andalou Naturals™ Pumpkin Honey Glycolic Brightening Mask, originally $16.00, now for $13.00 on Amazon™ a discount of three wallet-stuffing dollars. Rejuvinated face AND savings? Where do I add to the shopping cart and checkout?

From the product’s description: “Andalou Naturals™ Pumpkin Honey Glycolic Brightening Mask combines this powerhouse ingredient with powerful glycolic acid to slough off dull skin cells and leave your skin looking smooth and fresh. It also contains nourishing manuka honey to keep your skin feeling soft. You can feel especially good about slathering this on your face, as the ingredients are all hypoallergenic, organic, vegetarian, and cruelty-free.”

And it works! Check out my pic after using the Pumpkin Honey Glycolic Brightening Mask™ according to directions…

While you’re exfoliating all over your shirt, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make your face as smooth (and carveable) as a glycolic acid-coated pumpkin…

MISTLETOE MASSACRE / December 23, 2022 (VOD)

“Marion Callevero has her guest list checked twice to host the company Christmas event, but gifts quickly turn to gore. This struggling staff has been invited to the party but no one will be returning home for the holidays.”

I don’t know what’s worse — the movie’s ad copy or the plot.

THERE’S SOMETHING IN THE BARN / Pending release 2023 (VOD)

“A typical American family inherits a farm in the Norwegian mountains and crosses paths with a tricky creature from Nordic folklore, the Barn Elf. The family must avoid incurring the wrath of this gnome-like Santa by eschewing all bright lights and loud noises and making sure to leave a bowl of porridge on Christmas Eve.”

Barn Elf. That’s…different. A well-placed pitchfork, though, could put a stop to all that porridge-sacrificing.

ON THE EDGE / Pending release 2022/2023

“Family man Peter gets more than he paid for when he books a 36-hour session with the sadistic Mistress Satana, who seems more intent on making him suffer for his sins. Is it blackmail? Is it torture? Or is it the Devil come for his soul? Will Peter’s faith save him from his own personal Hell or is he already damned? A brilliant depiction of how Kink Culture can heal past trauma and be a source for shocking redemption.”

A 36-hour session with an S&M Dominatrix? Do you get lunch and/or crying breaks in-between bouts of BDSM, enema play (ick) or “Kinbaku”? (Look it up.) Will the “Contrapolar Stimulation” leave hickey marks on your abused bared bottom? Does the “Apple of Pain” go in your fruit bowl? This movie needs to do a lot more explaining. 

OBSTACLE CORPSE / Pending release, 2022

“A teen out to prove herself to her dad stumbles into the world’s most terrifying obstacle course.”

Sounds like the TV show Wipeout™, but with (hopefully) gasoline-powered sharp things, bear trap-filled bouncy tents and thumbtack covered alligators in the water below where your lifeless body will eventually end up. That could be a ratings juggernaut.

Goth Girls, Flaming Pumpkins, Superpowered Nuns

Wednesday Addams, the youngest of the Addams Family (America’s first family of fright) is the newest star of her own TV series via Netflix™ on November 23, 2022. Sure, Lurch, the butler with the eye-rolling “I just smelled someone else’s fart” expression, or even the light bulb-sucking Uncle Fester are easily worthy of their own showcase. (Not Pugsley or Grandmama, though.) But it’s Wednesday, who puts the “dead” in “deadpanning,” who could very well make YA Goth a thing again. Hot Topic™ is counting on it.

Here’s the light bulb illuminated plot: “A coming-of-age supernatural mystery comedy focusing on Wednesday Addams and her years as a high school student at Nevermore Academy, where she attempts to master her psychic powers, stop a monstrous killing spree of the town citizens, and solve the supernatural mystery that affected her family 25 years ago — all while navigating her new relationships.”

Wednesday Addams has been portrayed by 10 gloomy gals over the decades, starting with Lisa Loring in 1964 and going all the way up through now, with Jenna Ortega rockin’ those iconic pigtails and whose resume includes Iron Man 3 (2013), Insidious: Chapter 2 (2013), The Babysitter: Killer Queen (2020), Scream (2021), Studio 666 (2021), and X (2022). Serious street cred.

While we wait until Wednesday, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/TV shows that may or may not be as fun as sucking on a light bulb… 

HEADLESS HORSEMAN / OCTOBER 14, 2022 (VOD)

“Seconds from death, a nearly decapitated and desperate man makes a deal with the Devil to protect the love of his life and seek revenge on the drug dealer who almost murdered him.”

I get Headless Horseman has been around a lot longer than Ghost Rider. But that’s a dick move to steal GH’s shtick by riding a flaming motorcycle and making your pumpkin head flame on like a Presto Log™ dipped in BBQ accelerant. Hey HH — how would like it if Ghost Rider rode a fiery horse up and down building walls and/or rodeos? 

WARRIOR NUN SEASON 2 / November 10, 2022 (Netflix™)

“After waking up in a morgue, an orphaned teen discovers she now possesses superpowers as the chosen Halo Bearer for a secret sect of demon-hunting nuns. At the end of Warrior Nun’s first season, the Order of the Cruciform Sword was faced with their toughest battle yet: the fallen angel Adriel was released from his tomb, helped unknowingly by Ava and the Sister-Warriors.”

Every time I wake up in a morgue, I smell like a cocktail of formaldehyde and pee and looking for pants. Wouldn’t need britches, though, if I woke up in a morgue with superpowers. Then demons would totally fear me instead of laughing and pointing. Stupid demons.

1899 / November 17, 2022 (Netflix™)

“In this German epic period mystery-horror series, multinational immigrants traveling from the old continent encounter a nightmarish riddle aboard a second ship adrift on the open sea.”

This echoes the story of the spooky Mary Celeste, an American-registered merchant brigantine discovered adrift and deserted in the Atlantic Ocean on December 4, 1872. (Not gonna lie to you; I totally copied that off the Internet. I just wanted to feel like a big shot know-it-all and get one in the win-column for a change.)

SUMMONERS / Pending release 2022/2023

“Jessica Whitman isn’t a witch. Not anymore, at least. She left it behind when she left her hometown almost 10 years ago. But when a childhood friend needs her help performing a dark spell, she’ll find herself questioning her sense of right and wrong, and grappling with her late mother’s secrets.”

Why would Jessica want to quit being a witch? Witches can fly and do cool stuff like get Frisbees™ down from roofs. They can make surprisingly savory stew in their cauldron (aka, Le Creuset™ Cast Iron 8 qt. Oval Dutch Oven). And witches can make the lights go on and off, just by clapping. Freakin’ eerie! I think Jessica should rethink rejecting her godless ways because those Frisbees™ on the roof aren’t gonna get themselves down.

Pizza Face, Hallucinogenic Worms, Murder Bears

In what is one of the most ingenious Halloween promotional gimmicks in recent memory, Tombstone™ pizza (coolest name ever for the most popular food in any cemetery) is giving away a FREE T-pie to anyone living on an Elm Street, as a direct tie-in to Freddy Krueger’s favorite cul-de-sac (A Nightmare on Elm Street in case it slipped your mind). And hey — with his iconic oven-baked features, Sir Krueger’s face looks so much like a pizza, it should come with extra toppings.)

As first detailed by Bloody-Disgusting.com: “Tombstone™ is rewarding those brave enough to live on a real-life Elm Street with a chance to win FREE pizza this Halloween season (more than 5,000 across the country).”

Do this: From Oct. 3rd – 31st, Elm Street residents can enter online for a chance to win free Tombstone™ pizza.

What You’ll Win: Free Tombstone™ pizza awarded while supplies last. One lucky Elm Street resident will be selected at random to win free pizza for a year. The contest begins on October 3rd, 2022 and you’ll find it RIGHT HERE.

While I get some spray paint and write “Elm” on my street sign, here are a few upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that may or may not look as appetizing as a Tombstone™ pizza — or Freddy’s face…

PROJECT LEGION October 7, 2022 (Limited) October 11, 2022 (VOD)

“Feral creatures that prey on humans have descended upon the city. A furious fight for survival begins as the outside world descends into chaos and a former Marine, barricaded inside his apartment, prepares to come out fighting.”

Feral creatures preying on humans. Again. Why can’t they prey on microwaved 7-Eleven™ Truckstopper Burritos? Wouldn’t need a Marine to stop ’em after choking down one of those things.

KRATT / October 11, 2022 (VOD)

“Children are left at Grandma’s without smartphones. Real life seems boring, working feels hard. Luckily they find instructions for Kratt — a magical creature from old Estonian mythology who will do whatever its master says. All they have to do now is buy a soul from the Devil. Life stops being boring in a bloody way.”

Retail price of a Devil-owned soul: $6.66. Low hanging fruit. Too easy. I feel somewhat ashamed. Somewhat.

SHADY GROVE / October 25, 2022 (VOD)

“A young couple, Shaina and Mark, attend a music festival with their best friend Elijah on their annual pilgrimage away from their work-heavy city lives. They find a beautiful cabin on a vacation rental app. Everything is perfect except the faint smell of death, only to discover they’re being hunted by figures wearing skinned animal masks.”

Scare BnB — heh. Curious as to what skinned animals were used to make the masks. A free-range donkey? A murder bear? Black Phillip? All of those would spook the rent right outta me. P.S. The smell of death is very similar to asparagus farts.

ALL JACKED UP AND FULL OF WORMS / November 8, 2022 (Screambox)

“Working at a seedy motel, maintenance man Roscoe is always searching for his latest fix. When he stumbles upon a powerfully hallucinogenic worm, his days of dime-store drugs are over. Along with his new love interest, the pair embark on a delirious odyssey of sex, violence, and becoming one with the dirt.”

Hands down the best movie title of the year. I was sold right there, but then they hit me with “powerfully hallucinogenic worm” and “delirious odyssey of sex, violence,” and “becoming one with the dirt.” Looks like someone found my Christmas wish list.