Archive for Werewolves

Alien Walkie-Talkie, Alaskan Ghosts, Chick Werewolf

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers, UFOs, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 26, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

UFO Journals

“If these are intelligent beings from outer space, they couldn’t be too intelligent if they’re visiting the planet Earth.”

Truer words were never spoken. This statement comes from the 1978 documentary, UFO Journals, which is (and this is gonna sound oxymoronic), one of the more weird and wackified treatments of the flying saucer phenomenon.

It starts with some narrator yappin’ bible verses, then goes into a bunch of stock footage of NASA rockets, then — and these are my two favorite parts — a guy with impeccably blow-dried and styled hair going into an eye-rolling trance and channeling communications from an alien in a different solar system. And he does it with a cartoon-y robotic voice. Then there’s a New Age spiritual guide who whips out a harmonica and a shot glass and entertains us with his skills while we contemplate WTF it is we’re watching. This is on Amazon Prime™ in case you need more wackified fulfillment about UFOs in your robotic, restricted-to-Earth life.

And speaking of things to enlighten you, here are a few upcoming horror and sci-fi movies/TV shows to channel on your channel…

Three Tears on Bloodstained Flesh

THREE TEARS ON BLOODSTAINED FLESH (August 8, 2017/DVD)
“A man with a dark past returns to bury his niece Lexie. Dragging his troubled daughter Kendall, he simultaneously reunites with his estranged sister, Stella and reignites a past rivalry with the corrupt town sheriff. Dominic begins digging around the town, and uncovers the town’s dark secrets, which include a mysterious cult, a supernatural curse, a masked killer, and a very high body count.”

Reunite and reignite. Maybe the masked killer is a pyromaniac. Wondering what the supernatural curse could be? Maybe it’s because the guy buried his niece before she quit breathing the town’s dark secret air.

Red Christmas

RED CHRISTMAS (October 17, 2017/Limited/VOD)
“The stressed-out mother of a squabbling family are gathered together in a remote Outback estate on Christmas Eve. When a mysterious, deformed young man named Cletus appears at their door, things soon change from petty insults to bloody, imaginatively orchestrated violence as she attempts to protect her family from the vengeful intruder. The film deliriously infuses comedy, dark family secrets with outlandish gore and adds the always controversial subject of abortion in its blood-stained mix.”

Wow, they actually named someone Cletus. I guess when you live in the remote Outback, you do whatever honks your didgeridoo. I like the outlandish gore part, though. It better not involve kangaroos (the locals call them “‘roos”). Those things can eat your face right off your face.

Ghost Wars

GHOST WARS (SyFy Channel/2017)
“Set in a remote Alaskan town that has been overrun by paranormal forces, the series focuses on local outcast Roman Mercer who must overcome the town’s prejudices and his own personal demons if he’s to harness his repressed psychic powers and save everyone from the mass haunting that’s threatening to destroy them all.”

While I do like the title of this series, the trailer looks very paranormal stock and doesn’t really sell one on the subject. Maybe if they added a kangaroo…

Betsy

BETSY (2018)
“After surviving a vicious assault in the city, Betsy moves to the country in hopes of starting over, but as she begins to recover, something begins clawing its way into the moonlight.”

They give it away with “clawing” and “moonlight”; Betsy is a raccoon! Man, I feel sorry for anyone who tries to pet her. Those things will eat your hand right off your hand.

Dead On Arrival Horror

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Vampires, Werewolves, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 12, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Bubba Nosferatu: Cures of the She-Vampires

And now from the Probably Ain’t Gonna Happen files. These are horror/sci-fi movies that were once gonna be made but due to various obstacles/mucking (usually some movie studio d*ckwipe), all deals are off the table. Here’s a few that had the potential to be craptacular…

BUBBA NOSFERATU & CURSE OF THE SHE-VAMPIRES (D.O.A.)
Elvis, shooting a film in Louisiana, finds himself mixed up with a coven of she-vampires.”

Dang — as a sequel to 2002’s hilarious bent Bubba Ho-Tep (starring the statue-worthy Bruce Campbell — or “Ash” from The Evil Dead/1981 — as Elvis), this would’ve been flippin’ crazy fun awesome cool. And yet flushables like Friday the 13th (except the 1980 original) get sequel carte blanche with all the regularity of an Ex-Lax Maximum Strength™ user.

Carpe Demon: Adventures of a Demon Hunting Soccer Mom

CARPE DEMON: ADVENTURES OF A DEMON-HUNTING SOCCER MOM (D.O.A.)
“A suburban housewife is tasked with ridding her town of demons.”

So this is where Stan vs. Evil (2016) got its floor plans. Oh well, if anything they got me to LOL over the title (taken from the 2005 book of the same name by author Julie Kenner). Now to go clean up my LOL.

House of Re-Animator

HOUSE OF RE-ANIMATOR (D.O.A.)
“Ignoring the previous three Re-Animator films, the story focuses on a ‘Bush-like president’ who dies in office and his staff covertly brings in Dr. Herbert West to reanimate him.”

More timely than ever, this one should be made immediately. Then again, I’m a sucker for anything Re-Animator/Herbert West. If you haven’t seen Re-Animator (1985), it’s a horror staple, so like, go staple yourself.

Growl

GROWL (D.O.A.)
“A traveling underground fight club called The Brawlers arrive at a derelict ghost town tucked away in the Colorado Rockies. They meet the town’s only residents, the Maxilla family who want to buy on to the fight card. But the Maxilla family’s true intentions for the Brawler crew is soon revealed in teeth and claws. Some will be hunted, some will be feed, and some will become part of the family…whether they like it or not.”

Crud balls — been waiting for this on every since I LOL’d about it here back on February 18, 2011. Growl (originally titled Brawlers — both are kinda sucky), sounds like Fight Club (1999) but with flea collars and infect-o teeth. But fighting werewolves go back to 2003’s Underworld, wherein naked lycanthropes in man form morph into naked werewolves and fight club each other because that’s what werewolves do. Well, that and rifle through my garbage can during full moons. Some pure silver cantaloupe rinds — strategically hidden between empty bags of Cheetos™ and unopened jars of faux mayonnaise — should take care of that problem.

Steel Monsters, Dying As Art, Hell Boys & Girls

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Vampires, Werewolves, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 27, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Hank Boyd Is Dead

I’ve come to the unassailable conclusion that laying on the couch (in any direction) should be recognized as a form of exercise. And like working out, are you not tired after seven hours of laying there watching monster movies? Same as exercise. I rest my case.

Speaking of things that are lazy, here are a few upcoming horror and sci-fi movies (or “films”) that may or may not had  some sort of effort put into with the title or the plot…

HANK BOYD IS DEAD (June 27, 2017)
“Struggling actress/caterer Sarah Walsh is left alone to tend to the post-funeral gathering for Hank Boyd, a quiet loner who stood accused of a horrific crime. She knew Hank in high school and finds it hard to believe that he could do anything terrible. However, her opinion begins to change after she meets Hank’s brother David as the family’s secrets are exposed and the bodies pile up. If she hopes to survive and all because…Hank Boyd is dead.”

Sounds more like a CW™ mini series than a movie. Boring title, which indicates “meh” across the board. And before you start e-yelling at me for prejudging, I have watched “horror” movies almost exactly like this for years and decided to move on to more entertaining ventures, like street corner begging and dumpster diving.

The Wolf Man

UNIVERSAL CLASSIC MONSTERS (September 12, 2017/Best Buy)
“Seven classic Universalmonster movies are getting the steelbook treatment, each featuring stunning black & white art by Alex Ross. The following films will be part of the collection: The Wolf Man (1941), The Invisible Man (1933), Creature from the Black Lagoon (1954), The Mummy (1932), Dracula (1931), Bride of Frankenstein (1935) and Frankenstein (1931).

Gotta hand it to Universal for finding new ways to re-package the same seven monster movies they built their empire on nearly 90 years ago. This time they’re putting the classic horror movies in steel boxes, not unlike what you would put a peanut butter sandwich in to nosh on during recess.

This is not a new concept; World Market™, purveyors of over-priced wicker couches, has been selling Frankenstein and Bride of Frankenstein metal hors devours trays every Halloween for years. I have the whole set. Still don’t know what “hors devours” are (sounds like a cannibal hooker). But licensed and over-priced trays are handy to put snacks on. Not crackers, though; those dang things slide right off onto your shag carpet, where crumbs are nearly impossible to get out.

Flesh of the Void

FLESH OF THE VOID ( 2017/2018)
Flesh of the Void is an extreme experimental horror feature, visualizing what it could feel like if the act of dying was a truly horrible experience. Shot extensively on Super 8 and 16mm, it is intended as a disjointed, surreal trip through the deepest and most violent fears of the human condition, depicting its subject in a radical, grotesque and raw manner, refusing to shy away from societal taboos.”

Pfffft — I go through the act of dying every time the bartender yells, “Last call!” Do like the premise, though, as I pretty much assumed kicking the bucket was a black (or white) affair. Black is where you go if you have unresolved anti-Bible skeletons in your closet. Or some ratty farm with Black Phillip landlording the place. I have no reference to the white end game. Maybe a Seattle beach during one of the three days it actually sunshines up here and everybody comes out of their caves with nearly translucent and sickly skin.

Hellboy: Rose of the Blood Queen

HELLBOY: RISE OF THE BLOOD QUEEN (in production/2018)
“This franchise reboot is reportedly aiming for an R-rating and a horror movie style. In the Hellboy comics, the ‘Queen of Blood’ is a powerful British witch, also known as The Lady of the Lake.”

Lady of the Lake. Wasn’t that the name of a tepid M. Night Shyamalan movie back in 2006? And wasn’t in a condo swimming pool as opposed to a lake? I would’ve changed the movie’s title, too; Lady in the Swimming Pool just doesn’t have enough zing. But I digress — happy to see Hellboy being re-booted. Now if they could just do the same thing with Plastic Man

Japanese Ghouls, Alien Chicks, Fist Puppets

Posted in Aliens, Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Bigfoot, Classic Horror, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers, Werewolves, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 21, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Tokyo Ghoul

A shout out congratulations to the horror channel American Horrors, who have been streaming brutal, classic/obscure and uncut slasher/serial killer movies for the last five years. Which brings up a random thought: How can slasher movies be “uncut”? Heh.

Here’s some upcoming horror and sci-fi that may or may not be pre-sliced…

TOKYO GHOUL (July 29, 2017/Japan)
Ghouls live among us, the same as normal people in every way – except their craving for human flesh. Shy Ken Kaneki is thrilled to go on a date with the beautiful Rize. But it turns out that she’s only interested in his body – eating it, that is. When a morally questionable rescue transforms him into the first half-human half-ghoul hybrid, Ken is drawn into the dark and violent world of Ghouls, which exists alongside our own.”

Sounds like Ken is ghoul-whipped. Also sounds like a zombie movie, which is what we in America call ghouls. In France they call ‘em “le Ghouls.” It’s like the French have a different word for everything.

How To Talk To Girls At Parties

HOW TO TALK TO GIRLS AT PARTIES (2017)
“Enn is a shy teenage punk rocker in 1970s suburban London along with his two closest friends, Vic and John. One night they all sneak into a party where they meet a group of intensely attractive, otherworldly girls; at first they think they’re from a cult, but eventually come to realize the girls are literally from another world — outer space.”

Aliens or not, they’re still girls, right? Not seeing the problem here. And don’t alien chicks have tentacles and suckers? That means that can hug and kiss your entire body at the same time. If that isn’t a bonus, tell me what is?

The Dark Crystal: Age of Resistance

THE DARK CRYSTAL: AGE OF RESISTANCE (2017/Netflix)
The Dark Crystal: Age of Resistance returns to the world of Thra with an all new adventure. When three Gelfling discover the horrifying secret behind the Skeksis’ power, they set out on an epic journey to ignite the fires of rebellion and save their world.”

A prequel to the 1982 marionette fantasy, The Dark Crystal, created by the master of Muppets, Jim Henson. 35 years is a long time to wait for a sequel to a puppet movie. The late great James Coburn, who co-starred in 1984’s The Muppets Take Manhattan, had this to say about his role (paraphrased): “I ended up playing second fiddle to a piece of green felt with a fist up its ass.” Quite possible the best summation ever on puppets.

Redwood

REDWOOD (2017)
“Musician Josh and his girlfriend Beth head out to a secluded national park in search of some clarity and relaxation. But the couple get more than they bargained for when they ignore the advice of park rangers and venture off the trail, coming face to face with the Redwood’s legendary wildlife.”

Not to be mixed and matched 2014’s The Redwood Massacre. Redwood implies the “legendary wildlife” is Bigfoot or werewolf raccoon impersonating Bigfoot. Only one of those better be right.

Pet Monsters, Human Monsters, Religious Monsters

Posted in Evil, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers, Vampires, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 14, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Okja

The neighborhood had one of those community garage sales the other day. it’s always fun to rummage through other people’s crap. Hit pay dirt, though, when I found a box of ‘80s horror movies on VHS tape for .25 cents each.

I was so happy until I got home and realized I don’t have a VHS player. Sigh. Might as well go listen to that box of 8-tracks I also scored for about the same price and… Oh, crud; I don’t have an 8-track player, either. There’s $2.00 I’ll never see again.

On that Einstein note, here are some upcoming horror/sci-fi that may or may not be worth .25 cents to watch…

OKJA (June 28, 2917/Netflix)
“For 10 idyllic years, young Mija has been caretaker and constant companion to Okja – a massive animal and an even bigger friend – at her home in the mountains of South Korea. But that changes when the family-owned multinational conglomerate Mirando Corporation takes Okja for themselves and transports her to New York, where image obsessed and self-promoting CEO Lucy Mirando has big plans for Mija’s dearest friend.”

Sounds like a re-imagineering of King Kong/Mighty Joe Young. And looking at the giant creature’s silhouette (is that a French word? Sure the heck seems like it is), it probably eats about 100 pounds of food per meal. At first glance I thought it was a hippo. But when was the last time you saw a hippo on a leash? That’s like putting a turtleneck sweater on a  giraffe.

The Monster Project

THE MONSTER PROJECT (2017)
“A recovering drug addict takes a job with a documentary crew who plans to interview three subjects who claim to be real life monsters.”

Sounds cool. Although what kind of monsters are they? Day vampires? Half moon werewolves? Republicans? Noisy neighbors who won’t quit making noise no matter how much I pound on the ceiling?

A Closer Walk With Thee

A CLOSER WALK WITH THEE (2017)
“Four young evangelical missionaries set up a house church in inner-city Los Angeles to try and save the neighborhood from a Satanist gang. Jordan is a good Christian kid, except that he’s starting to have impure sexual thoughts about his close friend and fellow missionary Eli. When he’s caught watching Eli shower, he is outed to the group and painfully ostracized – until Eli, who happens to be a fledgling exorcist, suggests that a demonic possession might be causing these Jordan’s feelings. Jordan begins to enact signs of possession, prompting Eli to take action. What begins as a ritualistic method of trying to save their friendship quickly spirals out of control and descends into darkness and violence.”

Only a religious nutbag would think homosexuality is a sign of demonic possession. The irony here is that the “fledgling exorcist” is probably gay himself. Gay people don’t need to be exorcised, but religious freaks do.

Summer of '84

SUMMER OF ‘84 (2017/2018)
“Growing up on a quiet cul-de-sac in Ipswich, Massachusetts, Davey’s desperate to believe there’s more to life than what he sees from his bedroom window. But Davey thirsts for more. As their investigation heats up, Davey and his best buds soon discover Mr. Mackey is onto them and their suspicions quickly become all too real.”

The pre-production artwork reveals that there’s a serial killer living in the neighborhood. I bet he doesn’t mow his lawn, but rather hacks it. Heh. For a superior and hard-to-watch serial killer in the neighborhood movie, watch The Lovely Bones (2009). You’ll probably need counseling afterward. Or a hug.

Massive Monsters, Ghost Baby-Sitters, Date Night

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Slashers, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 3, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Berlin Syndrome

Getting the happy itchys anticipating Alien Covenant at my local cineplex on Friday, May 19, 2017 (if you’re keeping track of years). I’m hoping they have a midnight screening on that Thursday. I have my KISS Army™ blanket, a pocket full of bit coins for snacks and a fresh pair of socks ready to go. (I plan on spending the night — might as well be prepared.)

While I “fun spot” itch for a few more weeks, here are some upcoming horror movies that may or may not be worth scratching yourself in public for…

BERLIN SYNDROME (May 5, 2017)
“An Australian photographer meets a charismatic local man while on holiday in Berlin. After a night of passion, she finds herself locked in his apartment and soon realizes he has no intentions of letting her go, ever.”

She’s not looking at the positive side of this equation — free rent! And apparently, passion aplenty, from what I’m hearing.

Human Cattle

HUMAN CATTLE (2017)
“Three sexy teenagers take a fun-filled trip out to the Amazon for an exciting getaway filled with seductive pleasures and forbidden desires. Failing to hear the canoe tour guide’s warnings about the evils that lurk in the Jungle, they will now have to fight for survival against trigger-happy bounty hunters, blood-thirsty cannibals and massive flesh-eating monsters.”

Great title. It really says a lot without having to. Kinda like a freshly opened bottle of an adult beverage. Speaks volumes, I tell you. As for the movie, I don’t know that the Amazon is full of “seductive pleasures” and “forbidden desires” unless you count monkey butlers and those “Girls of Peru” swimsuit calendars. But when they’re telling me it has massive flesh-eating monsters, I’m on Expedia.com booking my next vacation there.

Scraps

SCRAPS (2017)
“After a successful date, Jessica and Billy decide they don’t want the evening to end just yet, and agree to head back to Billy’s for a nightcap. On their walk they run into danger, but who really is the threat when the truth is revealed.”

Hard to tell what kind of horror movie Scraps is. The title possibly suggests cannibal action. Or one of ‘em turns into a werewolf and turns a non-werewolf into “scraps.” Or maybe none of the above. Guess I’ll just have to wait for some other horror movie site to spoil it (looking in your direction everybody but me).

Stephanie

STEPHANIE (2017/2018)
“Abandoned by her parents in their remote home, Stephanie survives on peanut butter and conversations with her toy turtle, while a dark supernatural force looms in the background. When her mother and father return to claim her, the malevolent power spins out of control with Stephanie at the center.”

The only reason the dark supernatural force is going crazy is because it’s been baby-sitting Stephanie and not getting paid. I’m siding with the dark supernatural force on this one. Baby-sitting is a tough gig, especially if you have to watch the kid instead of the TV.

Bloody Hell, Sci-Fi Teens, Reverse Werewolves

Posted in Asian Horror, Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Werewolves, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 1, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Bloody Muscle Body Builder In Hell

Here’s a neat trick — when celery stalks go limp, soak ’em in water and a short time later, stiff as if you doped ‘em up with Viagra™ and just as store-bought crunchy. Better still, soak ‘em in vodka. Get drunk and healthy at the same time. Works on carrots, too! I have no doubt that’s an original idea, I’m I’m gonna patent it. So please don’t viral my pension plan.

Speaking soaking yourself in healthy alcohol, you might need some of the good stuff to get through these just released and/or upcoming horror/sci-fi movies…

BLOODY MUSCLE BODY BUILDER IN HELL (available now/UK)
“After a surprise phone call interrupts his daily workout, beefy body builder Naoto agrees to meet his photojournalist ex-girlfriend to help with her research on haunted houses. Accompanied by a professional psychic, they visit an abandoned house once owned by Naoto’s father. But inside the house a dark secret lingers and they find themselves trapped and tormented by a relentless ghost with a 30 year grudge. Bloody Muscle Body Builder invites fans of bizarro, lo-fi cinema on a far out journey…into Hell.”

While I do like the title (I’d buy the shirt), this is also aka’d as The Japanese Evil Dead. Gotta say, I dig that, too, if not as well. This came out in 2014 (in Japan) and was described as a “cross between the 1977 Japanese horror classic Hausu (House) and The Evil Dead (1981).” Kore ijō iwanai — I’m in.

So can you see it in your own hausu? Yep — just order it from AmazonUK™ [click HERE]. It’ll set you back £7.99 (free delivery in London Land if you have Amazon Prime™). This converts into $10.35 U.S. fun coupons. To have it shipped here, though, is a bit pricey as there are import fees, triple stamps with Monarch faces on ’em, probably weird packaging and extra sticky tape, etc. So figure about $400 total just to be on the safe side.

Resident Evil: Vendetta

RESIDENT EVIL: VENDETTA (June 19, 2017)
“BSAA Chris Redfield enlists the help of government agent Leon S. Kennedy and Professor Rebecca Chambers from Alexander Institute of Biotechnology to stop a death merchant with a vengeance from spreading a deadly virus in New York.”

What the stink is going on here? Did we not just have Resident Evil: The Final Chapter in 2016? (There are six RE movies in all, dating back to 2002.) As it turns out, Resident Evil: Vendetta is an animated movie, or “CG,” which obviously stands for “cartoon gunk.” Apparently, this is the third such RE animated movie. I care not for this medium. For one thing the blood looks too “illustrated.” And don’t get me started on computer-designed entrails. If you want me to watch a movie length cartoon, make It’s The Great Pumpkinhead, Charlie Brown.

Number 13

NUMBER 13 (2017)
Northern Canada, the dead of winter, and some scientists studying a wolf pack dynamics try to anesthetize and tag a wolf. The wolf awakes prematurely and attacks, but the trapped scientist bites first. This bitten wolf is infected with a disease called ‘humanity’. As the moonlight rises, this wolf is changing. When wolves chase a naked and bloody man into their camp, the scientists are shocked. This stranger can’t talk, is lost and is freezing, but from where? The first taste of danger enters the camp when the pack of wolves reappears, now fearless. Before this full moon sets, the humans will learn both the true nature of the stranger and of their own “pack dynamics”. More importantly, they will learn the true difference between wolves and humanity — the ability to lie.”

Lousy name for a reverse werewolf movie. There were Number 13’s in 2006, 2008, 2013 (looks like a sci-fi video game with “real people”), and an Alfred Hitchcock movie that was shot way the heck back before time in 1922 and never released. None of those featured reverse werewolves. (Maybe as stage hands, but certainly not actors.) So man bites dog. In the newspaper game, that’s called a lead story. Definitely an interesting premise whether you read newspapers or not. I do for the horoscopes and the funny pages. Not necessarily in that order.

Maze Runner: The Death Cure

MAZE RUNNER: THE DEATH CURE (2018)
“In the conclusion to the Maze Runner trilogy, Thomas and the surviving Gladers prepare to face off against WCKD one last time as they fight to find a cure for the deadly disease known as The Flare that has wiped out most of the world. Friendships and loyalties will be tested and the fight against WCKD will also determine who will survive in the end.”

This one’s already done and in the grocery line waiting to be checked out. Got postponed several times over reasons I don’t give an exasperated hoot about. Saw the first Maze Runner (2014), a sci-fi teen movie based on a book of all things. Did not see the sequel Maze Runner: The Scorch Trials (2015) as it had more teenagers in it. Might have to see MR: Death Cure as The Flare disease turns people, I mean teens, into sci-fi zombies. Bye-bye future teens.