Archive for the Science Fiction Category

Death Notes, Punk Rock, Bigfoot, The X-Files

Posted in Aliens, Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Bigfoot, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Slashers, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 25, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Beach Massacre at Kill Devil Hills

YouTube™ is such a glorious wasteland of video treasures. Why, if it weren’t for YT, I’d have never known about all those alien bases and artifacts on the Moon. And all those haunted house “documentaries”? Yep, full of real ghosts that you can talk to. Don’t get me started on all the Bigfoot videos — love seeing my favorite furry friend on TV (I don’t go into the woods — too many icky bugs live there), but people, you need to give him a break. The poor guy can’t even scratch his swimsuit area and smelling his fingers without someone filming it and uploading the footage for the entire world to see. Embarrassing doesn’t event come close.

Speaking of things that should or shouldn’t be seen, here’s some upcoming horror vids to full your tube with…

BEACH MASSACRE AT KILL DEVIL HILLS (2017/summer)
“When Stacy’s abusive ex-husband Jason gets out of prison, she decides to take their daughter Lizzie and her four best friends to her parents beach house. Soon their peaceful plans turn into a nightmare. Who will survive the night?”

Extremely clunky title. How dare they do this to me/you/us/they? And Lizzie has four best friends? Probably not for long by the looks of the movie’s ad poster.

The Rangers

THE RANGER (2017/2018)
“A group of teen punks who get in trouble with the cops. The punks escape to the woods to hide out where they come up against the local authority, an unhinged park ranger with an axe to grind, hell-bent on preserving the serenity of his forest.”

Punk rockers in the woods? Dumb maneuver — if they would’ve gone to the mall, they’d blend in and basically become invisible. Who knew Hot Topics™ could be good for something other than dressing teens in over-priced Goth crap?

Death Note: Light Up The New World

DEATH NOTE: LIGHT UP THE NEW WORLD (2017)
“Set ten years after the events of the previous films, society is afflicted with cyber-terrorism and six different Death Notes have fallen to the human world. In the midst of this two new individuals inherit the DNA of Light Yagami and L, both of who play a deadly game of cat-and-mouse once again.”

This actually came out in Japan in October of 2016, but we’re still waiting for it to knock on our video doors. Maybe it already has. I’ve been busy and didn’t really double-check. I’ve seen the first Death Note (2006) movie; Pretty wild stuff. It revolves around a book that, when someone scribbles a name in it, that person becomes scribbled…to death. While it plays more like a crime mystery, there’s a really freaky punk glam creature that only the holder of the Death Note book can see, who floats around you while you’re trying to grocery shop and/or planning on who to scribble next.

The X-Files

THE X-FILES (2018)
Agents Muldar and Scully are back for another season (#11) — 10 episodes instead of the six we got last year, which had to cram in way too much stuff to catch everybody up to speed, thereby making that season a hot mess. Still, I’m a huge X-Files fan and am giddy at the thought of another season. I hope they add more flying saucers — those things are cool.

UFOs, Nightmares, Fog Monsters, Bigfoot

Posted in Aliens, Bigfoot, Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 20, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Unacknowledged

Watched YET ANOTHER Bigfoot documentary (I’ve pretty much seen ‘em all) and one “expert” (he’s not, I am) claims that there’s thousands of the highly marketable cryptid. Gonna have to call baloney puckey on that one. Do the math — there’s only ONE true Bigfoot. But hey, where did he come from? Wouldn’t he have had parents? What about a grandma who sends him a new sweater every Christmas? Those and many more questions will be answered when Bigfoot says so, not some dumbass “expert.” Uh, oh — I think I just called myself a dumbass. Oh well — not the first time.

Anyway, more mysterious horror/sci-fi topics being addressed in these upcoming films, of which I’m probably an expert at. Ahem.

UNACKNOWLEDGED (May 9, 2017/iTunes™)
Unacknowledged focuses on the historic files of the Disclosure Project and how UFO secrecy has been ruthlessly enforced — and why. The best evidence for extraterrestrial contact, dating back decades, is presented with direct top-secret witness testimony, documents and UFO footage, 80% of which has never been revealed anywhere else.”

About flippin’ time. UFOs are real and everybody knows it. Getting them to admit it, on film even, is the tough part. Unacknowledged is headed up by Dr. Steven Greer, a guy who put his reputation on the line by going up against the government and petitioning them to come clean with the E.T. goods. I’d go to him for medical/conspiracy services. Heck, when you think about, he’s probably really good at proctology. Don’t make me explain this.

Backwood Madness

BACKWOOD MADNESS (2017)
Backwood Madness is a horror fantasy movie that bustles with trolls and goblins. Situated during the second World War, it tells a story about a conflict between men and creatures of the forest. The main character is struggling with his own mysterious past that is taking events towards the inevitable collision with destiny.”

Haven’t seen a good troll since Troll Hunter (2010), so puttin’ this on my “to do” list taped to the kitchen mop (that’s on the “to-do”list as well). And with the addition of goblins, maybe Hollywood can make up for those goblins in the steaming pile of fantasy mess that was Legend (1985).

Flesh of the Void

FLESH OF THE VOID (2017)
“The film was shot almost entirely on expired Super 8 film from the ’80s, and is intended as a trip through the deepest fears of human beings, exploring its subject in a highly grotesque, violent and extreme manner. It’s 80 minutes of pure Hell, playing out like a non linear, psychedelic nightmare.”

This on sounds both icky and must-see at the same time. Kinda like watching an octopus attack on a ocean-wading tourist in a loud shirt drinking a margarita. And the words “highly grotesque” and “psychedelic nightmare” go together like “octopus” and “tourist with a loud shirt and margarita.”

Marrowbone

EL SECRETO DE MARROWBONE (October 27, 2017/Spain)
“A young man and his four younger siblings, who have kept secret the death of their beloved mother in order to remain together, are plagued by a sinister presence in the sprawling manor in which they live.”

Theorized (and probably right) spoiler: It’s their baby-sitter who never got paid for watching the brats.

The Mist

THE MIST (2017/Netflix™)
“After an eerie mist rolls into a small town, the residents must battle the mysterious mist and its threats, fighting to maintain morality and sanity.”

This, of course, is the TV series version of the not-too-shabby 2007 movie of the same name, based on one of Stephen King’s better sessions at the typewriter. It’s not a spoiler to casually mention there are mutated creatures that live in the mist or “fog.” I like the idea of a TV series as it will flesh out that angle and maybe show us how the military opened another dimension and let the bed bugs in. I’ll be taking notes.

Werewolves, Shadow People, Aquaman, Hippies

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 13, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Watcher

Pretty sure my mailman is a werewolf. I have no other proof other than I never see him at night, full moon or not. And his eyebrows seem a bit bushier than the acceptable norm. I should order silverware from Amazon.com™ and see if he’ll deliver it. My hunch is that it’ll goon him out.

Until I get the proof I need — AND I WILL — here’s some upcoming new horror/sci-fi movies to goon out over…

THE WATCHER (April 18, 2017)
“Unaware of its terrible history, a young couple purchases their dream home. But it soon becomes clear that they may not be alone in the house. And that someone — or something — is determined to drive them out.”

It’s Hippies. Hippies want them out so they can squat there rent-free and play their Grateful Dead records way too loud, pound on bongos for three days non-stop and stink up the joint because hippies are afraid of bathtubs. Easy way to get rid of hippies — introduce them to the glory of the washcloth.

Be Afraid

BE AFRAID (June 1, 2017)
“Not long after John Chambers and his family arrive at their new home in a small country town of Pennsylvania, John begins to experience sleep paralysis. Lying there paralyzed, trapped within his own nightmare, other-worldly beings visit John. They are entities which exist in the darkest shadows of the night and can only be seen out of the corner of one’s eye. These encounters begin to haunt John, transforming to complete terror as he discovers the entities’ sole purpose…the abduction of his seven year old son. In the end, John will uncover the town’s horrific secret, a portal on his land, and make one last attempt to save his son before the shadow people permanently take him away to their world.”

You don’t have to be a shadow person to have some fun with people who suffer from sleep paralysis. All you need is a magic marker, duct tape and a camera. Ask anyone whose ever came down with beer paralysis at a keggar.

Camera Obscura

CAMERA OBSCURA (June 9, 2017)
“A veteran war photographer with PTSD sees imminent deaths in his developed photos, questioning his already fragile sanity and putting the lives of those he loves in danger.”

This borrows heavily from a 1999 episode of The X-Files. It was called “Tithonus” and it had a guy who knew when you were about to die and took your picture at the point of death. That was back before smart phones with cameras built in, so he had to go home and develop the pics. Today you can snap “death selfies” and see the results instantly. Technology is pretty neat. P.S. Don’t hire this guy to photograph your wedding.

American Satan

AMERICAN SATAN (Summer, 2017)
“A group of young men hailing from the U.S. and England drop out of college and move to Hollywood’s infamous Sunset Strip to pursue their dreams of becoming a rock & roll sensation.”

Where’s the satan part? Is he one of the band members? If so, does he play guitar? And what kind of guitar is it? I bet it’s loud as…HELL. Heh.

Justic League

JUSTICE LEAGUE (November 11, 2017)
Yep, already wrote about this one, but this is a new poster. I have two questions — where’s Superman? Yeah, he croaked in Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice (2016), but just lay his Kryptonian corpse out in the sun for a while and he’ll be good as new. Not his costume, though. Big hole in the chest area. Not sure how you’d sew that up. Secondly, how can you tell if Aquaman wets his pants? I guess only clams know.

Devil Dolls, Witch Wedding Crashers, Sharks

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Sharks, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 11, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Heidi

Been toying with the idea to do a run-down of all the streaming horror/sci-fi movie chanels. Turns out there’s a lot, so that means work. I’ll probably call in sick so as to not work. Shudder™ tops the short list of good ones, but it can’t match YouTube™ for its unlicenced use of practically every horror movie ever made in broadcast quality ranging from beer goggles to bent antenna. Anyway, try Midnight Pulp, American Horrors and/or Frightpix (warning — if you don’t pay Frightpix’s admittedly cheap subscription, you’re gonna have to endure a commercial every two minutes.)

Speaking of wading in crap, here’s a few upcoming ones to consider stepping in…

HEIDI (Available now)
“After investigating a neighbor’s attic, two high school pranksters are increasingly plagued by a series of disturbing, supernatural events involving a creepy, vintage doll named Heidi. As she stalks them day and night, no one will take their claims seriously until it is too late.”

An odd trend in horror movies these days, using painted wooden dolls as the source of all which plagues non-painted/non-wooden citizens. It came back with the Puppetmaster series and got more mileage with Annabelle from The Conjuring franchise (the doll now has its own stand-alone film coming out in 2017). Its moderate success spread to horror lite flicks as The Boy (2016) and The Doll (2016) to rat out a few.

This is nothing new; possessed dolls go way back in time and have a long history of gooning out people who own them. The one that got to me as a kid was that messed up Zuni hunting fetish doll in Trilogy of Terror (aka, Terror of the Doll) back in 1975. Soiled my Underoos™, I did.

7 Witches

7 WITCHES (April 14, 2017)
“As their big day approaches Cate and Cody should be celebrating, they’ve got their family with them, and rented an island for the big day. Unbeknownst to them their wedding falls on the day when a 100 year old curse comes to fruition. Instead of celebrating they find themselves fighting for their lives as a coven of witches rise for revenge.”

Time to fire your wedding planner. Geez, of all the things to disrupt the happiest day of your life (for a few months, anyway), you’d think it’d be a drunk relative and not a flippin’ witch. Wonder what the witches will give the bride as a household wedding gift — a broom? Heh.

Sharknado

SHARKNADO 5 (August 6, 2017)
“With much of North America lying in ruins, the rest of the world braces for the inevitable — a global sharknado. Fin Shepard and his family must put a stop to this disaster before Earth is completely obliterated.”

Man, this joke has worn itself so thin, it should be shown on wax paper. The best — and worse — part of these Sharknado droppings are the C-list “celebrities” lining up with make cameos inside the shark’s mouth. I don’t know if I’ll be flattered or insulted if they ever get around to calling me.

Nails

NAILS (2017)
Dana Milgrom, a track coach who, having survived a near-death car accident, finds herself completely paralyzed and trapped inside her own body. While recovering she becomes convinced that an evil presence exists inside her hospital room and is intent on killing her. Believing her to be experiencing a mental breakdown, Dana’s family brush away her concerns. Becoming increasingly terrified, Dana soon realizes that she may not be the only target. Unable to leave her bed, she risks losing the ones she cares for most.”

If you’re seeing an evil presence in the hospital, it may be time to up the morphine drip. Then you won’t care who the entity goes after. High or not, it’d be really funny if the evil presence tripped over a full bed pan. Just thinking about it is making me LOL.

New York Zombies, Pretentious Sci-Fi, Fun Aliens

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 5, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Asylum of Darkness

Watched a sneaky guy using his iPhone™ to record Kong: Skull Island at the movies the other day. Then he had the gall to offer to sell me the bootlegged flick for $10. I had just spent $12 to see it. I made him wait so I could hit up an ATM machine. Hey, I blew all my spare pocket coupons on red vines and hot dogs.

Speaking of blowing, here’s a few upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that hopefully won’t…

ASYLUM OF DARKNESS (April 11, 2017)
“After awakening in a mental asylum, a patient plans his escape to freedom while fighting off supernatural forces in both the real world, and some that may only live inside his head. But once on the outside, he learns that the life awaiting him is more twisted and dangerous than anything he could conjure in his head, one that is luring him back to the asylum forever.”

Substitute “dive bar” for “asylum” and this will make more sense. Generic title, generic plot, generic waste of time. So yeah, I’m in.

Empire State of the Dead

EMPIRE STATE OF THE DEAD (April 11, 2017)
“The recently deceased rise, feasting upon the living as a zombie outbreak spreads across the globe. In Central New York, a small Marine patrol, led by Sergent Ritter, tries to keep order. But while battling the living dead they are also faced with roving gangs going unchecked and entire military units defecting. Amid the chaos, a drug lord named Ray sees an opportunity to rule the new world rising, and he is sabotaging rescue centers and military bases to help further break down the Government’s attempts to restore order. Who will survive when Ritter and Ray finally face off?”

Empire State of the Dead consists of seven short stories produced and set in New York State, all directed by New York State filmmakers. It includes a series of wraparound segments (and one big finale) tying them all together into one epic feature motion picture detailing the early stages of a zombie outbreak.”

Should be interesting to see how they all meat. Heh. Good thing the zombie outbreak is in New York; I have a hard enough time battling the brain dead in my own neighborhood of Seattle, home of skyrocketing rents and rubbery movie theater hot dogs. Those things are so chewy you could blow a bubble with one.

The Osiris Child

THE OSIRIS CHILD: SCIENCE FICTION VOLUME ONE (April 2017)
“Set in a time of interplanetary colonization, Sy Lombrok, a former nurse who is now a drifter with a haunted past, forms an unlikely alliance with Kane Sommerville, a lieutenant who works for off-world military contractor Exor. In a race against time they set out to rescue Kane’s young daughter Indi amid an impending global crisis precipitated by Exor.”

This one was made in Australia and premiered last year in a theater that’s about 8,113 miles from my freshly swept bachelor pad. Never was a big fan of sci-fi where they give everything super dumb future names, though. Exor? Sounds like prescription butt medicine.

Alien: Covenant

ALIEN: COVENANT (May 12, 2017)
Just because I already previewed this previously doesn’t mean I can’t do it again. I make the rules so I can break the rules. This time it’s with another drool-worthy ad poster. Trying to stay away from the trailers so I can be shocked out of my hot dog bun when I see it at the Imax™, which will no doubt cost $150 to get in. Time to start selling my blood. Again.

Russian Aquaman

Posted in Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 2, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Amphibian Man

Amphibian Man breathes water, thanks to defective land lungs being replaced in part by gills from a shark. He frolics in the sea and wears a super sparkled disco wet-suit with a dorsal fin, dorsal hat and flippers the size of Flipper, that smartass talking dolphin. The easily freaked local fishermen/pearl divers call him Devil Fish. And headline sightings of this “devil fish” sell a LOT of newspapers. Sigh, If they only knew it was just a young guy in a shiny bathing suit.

Amphibian Man

A super mean rich guy hires the rags dressed locals to dive for pearls. And he wants to marry Guttiere, the super hot daughter of one of the poorest (and oldest) freestyle divers. She doesn’t want the nuptials to happen and dives off a huge sailboat to get away from him. A shark comes after her, but Amphibian Man (land name Ichthyander) guts the shark and rescues the almost drowned girl and falls in love with her wetness,

Amphibian Man

This drives him out of the water to walk among the shore breathers. He roams the Argentinian seaside town looking for her, drawing unwanted attention for his fishy ways, at one point hiding in a water truck spraying the streets. (Quite clever.) But love drives him on.

Amphibian Man

Meanwhile, his adopted dad, a rich scientists who outfitted the boy’s lifestyle with sea lungs, is trying to find him. Time’s running out as the boy needs the snort a few lines of sea water in order to live. Through a series of chase scenes and the mean rich guy attempting to capture this man-fish, the boy meets the girl and wants to snorkel in her sea grotto. But she just got married and her oyster bed is closed for the season.

Amphibian Man

Ultimately, sea boy and dad are arrested and they throw the kid in a barrel of polluted water. (It was brown and yellow. One guess as to what the prison barrel was/is/will be used for.) This damaged his lungs and he must return to the sea, never to surface again. Too bad — Guttiere came to her senses and has now developed a taste for fish ‘n chips.

Amphibian Man

Amphibian Man is a 1962 Russian film shot in Argentina with English overdubs. Of its many confusing highlights, there’s a scene where two men do a flamenco dance together. Looked like they were stomping on fire ants. I must learn those moves. At any rate, Amphibian Man is a fun yet odd take on the Romeo and Juliet theme. With sharks. And sparkles.

Aliens, Apes, Puppets and Motörhead

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 1, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Recall

Had something quite weird happen to me the other day. There I was, watching a bunch of Bigfoot videos on YouTube™ (they’re all blurry), and one came up that showed the top 15 alleged Sasquatch creature sightings. By the time they got to number seven, I was shocked. That Bigfoot was wearing a Motörhead shirt, exactly like the one I’m wearing right now for a third day in a row. Then it hit me — that was me! Several things immediately came to mind — I was thrilled to be featured in a Bigfoot movie (Pffft — I should’ve been in the top 5). Secondly, I should probably shave. And lastly, I’m gonna kill my neighbor and his stupid new video camera.

While I go change shirts and lather up, here’s a few upcoming hairy horror/sci fi movies headed your way…

THE RECALL (June 16, 2017)
“A group of friends are spending the weekend at a cabin on the lake while unbeknown to them aliens have begun to attack planet Earth. A number of the friends are abducted immediately by the ship hovering above and the remaining two of the group, Annie and Charlie, must rely on an eccentric and dangerous hunter who seems to have special knowledge of the attack, explaining that this day has been prophecized for years and extraterrestrials have been guiding Earth’s evolution in preparation for their ultimate takeover.”

I say let the aliens take over and fix this toilet Earth. How could they run/ruin it worse than it’s being done right now? As long as they don’t mess with my health care (i.e., “probing prevention”), they have my vote.

War of the Planet of the Apes

WAR FOR THE PLANET OF THE APES (July 14, 2017)
Caesar and his apes are forced into a deadly conflict with an army of humans led by a ruthless Colonel. After the apes suffer unimaginable losses, Caesar wrestles with his darker instincts and begins his own mythic quest to avenge his kind. As the journey finally brings them face to face, Caesar and the Colonel are pitted against each other in an epic battle that will determine the fate of both their species and the future of the planet.”

The new Planet of the Ape series has been quite exhilarating, what with thousands of monkeys flinging their poo and what not at the surviving humans. I bet they could run the world a lot better than it’s being done right now. As long as they don’t mess with my health care (i.e., medical moist towelettes), they have my vote.

Annabelle: Creation

ANNABELLE: CREATION (August 11, 2017)
“A dollmaker and his wife who, 20 years after the tragic death of their little girl, welcome into their home a nun and several girls from a shuttered orphanage. Soon, however, the nun and the girls become the target of the dollmaker’s possessed creation, Annabelle.”

A demonically possessed doll. Not understanding how this predictable franchise keeps getting the green light. And how is this different from the Puppetmaster (eight and counting) series? This is about as lame as me getting the idea to make a Blob sequel using of 1,000 packs of Silly Putty™.

Veronica

VERONICA (August 25, 2017 / Spain / 2017/2018 U.S.)
“A young woman must protect her younger brother and sister after she attempts to bring back the spirit of their dead father through a Ouija ritual.”

Am I hearing this correctly? Is she protecting her siblings from their dead dad? What — were there spankings left unresolved before his untimely passing? Are their rooms clean? Did they not eat all their vegetables? Not seeing a plot here — and my room is clean and I alway eat my vegetables. And I haven’t been spanked by a parental poltergeist since 1990’s Ghost Dad.