Puzzling Horror, Egg Aliens, Camera-Ready Zombies

The most puzzling thing about horror movies is how some of them got made. Then again, without punchbowl turds as Frankenstein Island (1981), Bride of Boogedy (1987), or the painfully watchable Urotsukidôji I: Legend of the Overfiend (1989), our lives would not be as fulfilled as promised by alcohol. But what if horror movies were turned into literal puzzles? Gird your bladder — you can now get horror movie puzzles that combines b-grade with brilliance, all for $25.99 (or less).

Created by Rachid Lotf, you can get a 28”x20” 1,000-piece House of Horrors puzzle, a spectacular and colorful collage of featuring Halloween, Jaws, The Thing, Texas Chainsaw Massacre and lots more. Or there’s the Horror Night Watch Party, also 1,000 pieces, featuring Pinhead, Freddy Krueger, Jason Voorhees, Chucky, Michael Myers and Leatherface, all watching horror movies on a TV as if having some sort of social gathering. And Rachid’s Horror VHS Cemetery puzzle is like a trip down a Blockbuster Video™ memory lane. P.S. there’s even a Blockbuster™ era video puzzle.

While you can buy all of ’em (and more) by clicking this, here are few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not seem like a puzzle missing a few pieces…

ALIEN INVASION / Out now (Amazon Prime Video™)

“A group of friends find a large strange egg that hatches. Unfortunately, the egg contains an intergalactic predator. Now they must stop it from reaching civilization.”

Eggs are a super food, so not seeing the problem here.

TIN & TINA / Out now (Netflix™)

“After a tragic abortion, Lola and her husband Adolfo adopt Tin and Tina, a seemingly angelic brother and sister with an ultra-Catholic education that makes them interpret the Holy Bible verbatim.”

Reading the Bible verbatim should scare the Holy crap outta everyone.

THE DEVIL’S STOMPING GROUND / JUNE 27, 2023 (VOD)

“On May 1, 2021, fifteen college film students traveled to the place in the Uwharrie Mountains of North Carolina, known as The Devil’s Tramping Ground, to shoot their senior short film project. What happened that night was a tragedy. The Devil’s Stomping Ground is a narrative feature, edited together from the footage the seniors were shooting for their movie and the behind-the-scenes documentary footage two juniors were shooting of their efforts. The film chronicles the day and subsequent night of their shoot. It is a cautionary tale about temptation, pushing your luck, and the inevitable consequences of being oblivious to your surroundings. Will they be ‘forever changed’ as the legend suggests?”

The tragedy is they turned this into a movie.

FINAL CUT / July 14, 2023 (VOD)

“Set against the backdrop of a B-movie shoot that is descending into disaster, the director who seems to be the only one invested with the necessary energy to keep the low-budget zombie film afloat. As he tries to gee up jaded technicians and uninterested actors, shooting is disturbed by the arrival of authentic undead.”

This is the French remake of Japanese zombie comedy, One Cut of the Dead. I have no idea why I know that.

Jewish Horror, Erotic Horror, Photocopied Horror

If you’re a fan of fringe art, hard to find a better place than G1988, a kick ass art gallery in Los Angeles (7308 Melrose Ave.) They do theme shows all the time, featuring groovy cool works from indie artists. Their latest show — and a returning one at that — is Product Placement artwork inspired by fictitious items from movies and TV. (They had me at Product Placement.)

Contributing artists for this one includes Blain Hefner and his brilliant take on Halloween, James Olstein’s kitschy spin on Batman, and Ryan Hungerford’s killer Captain Spaulding (from House of 1000 Corpses/2003) famous fried chicken. And if this all wasn’t cool enough, you can actually buy prints of these must-have artfulness.

I’m gonna have to buy a couple as the only things I can draw are curtains, bathwater and flies. (Old joke, but it still cracks me up.) Before you click on over to gallery1988.com to browse through their insanely amazing art pieces, here are a few now just released/upcoming horror movies that may or may not be suitable for framing…

THE LEGEND OF HALLOWEEN JACK (available now)
“The sleepy seaside town of England is about to learn the true meaning of vengeance. As the residents gear up for the annual Halloween celebration, little do they know that their seemingly perfect town masks a guilty secret. One year earlier a group of vigilantes took matters into their own hands when notorious criminal Jack Cain escaped conviction. After torturing and killing Cain, they buried his body in the local cornfield and made a pact to never speak his name again. Now, on the day when the veil between the living and dead is at its thinnest, a mysterious apparition begins stalking the land and dishing out brutal retribution to the vigilante group. So begins the Legend of Halloween Jack.”

Freddy Krueger should sue Halloween Jack for jackin’ the Elm Street horror icon’s intellectual property. And this take on the plot is as uninspired as his burlap suit. (Burlap doesn’t coordinate with anything except potatoes.)

AMERICAN FRIGHT FEST (available now)
“Blood runs rampant on Halloween night when a small town’s Fright Fest becomes real inside the walls of a long abandoned asylum. Spencer Crowe, a former A-List horror director — long past his prime, having been in and out of rehab several times — gets a second chance at his career when he’s given the opportunity to produce a local Fright Fest.”

And this guy is ripping off Leatherface, what with the chainsaw and mangled face mask. How come nobody uses a weed wacker as a weapon of choice? Those things can make serious welts on your ankles and shins.

THE HOUSE OF VIOLENT DESIRE (available now)
“In a remote hill top mansion, a mysterious stranger emerges from a thunderstorm in the night, seeking refuge with the Whipley family; four young adults ruled by their strict religious mother, and their troubled father, who has vanished the previous night. But perhaps the ‘stranger’ is more connected to this family and to the dark unknown history of the house than they could ever suspect, and as the visitor begins to cultivate sexual tensions and paranoia within the house, the devilishly erotic history of the Whipley family threatens to lure them deep into its lustful, violent madness once again.”

The House of Violent Desire. Sounds like a cool name for a dive bar.

HANUKKAH (2018)
“Obediah Lazarus is the son of Judah Lazarus, the original Hanukiller. In 1983, Judah terrorized NY for seven nights and was preparing to sacrifice his eight-year-old son, Obediah, on the eighth night. Judah was convinced it was God’s will, like Abraham and Isaac, to sacrifice his only son to God. Luckily for Obediah, police tracked Judah down and stopped the sacrifice, but Judah was gunned down in the process. Warped by hatred with no guidance, Obediah Lazarus becomes a religious extremist, intolerant of non-Jews, ‘bad Jews’, and those he perceives to be enemies of the Jewish faith. He is about to unleash eight nights of horror. A group of Jewish teens are getting ready to party for the holidays, but are in for a Festival of Frights. With the help of a wise Rabbi, they deduce that the murder victims have violated Judaic law and that their only chance at survival is to embrace their faith.”

Oy veh — a Jewish slasher film! The plot, though, reminds me of an old joke: 

A Jewish man took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park. He sat down on a bench and began eating.

A little while later a blind man came by and sat down next to him.

Feeling neighborly, the Jewish man passed a sheet of matzo to the blind man.

The blind man ran his fingers over the matzo for a few minutes, looked puzzled, and finally exclaimed, “Who wrote this crap?”

Comedy gold, I tell you.

Giving Birth To A Power Tool

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning (2006) is a prequel to the 2003 Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake that didn’t need to be made in the first place. Yep, I said it.

Thomas had a rough start in life. First, his mom gives birth to him in a meat packing plant. Not only did she leave him behind, but the plant foreman, thinking the bloody pile of meat is contaminated after it touched the floor, chucks Thomas into a dumpster.

And if his day couldn’t get any worse, Thomas (later given the Christian name of Leatherface), is found by a homeless woman looking in garbage cans for nutritious food. She doesn’t eat him (he was dropped on a dirty floor and is probably teeming with germs), but drops Thomas off at the Hewitt House instead, the home of the original Chainsaw family.

The luck of it all is Thomas grows up and gets a job at the very same meat packing plant that was the site of his beginning. Guess who his boss is? I know, right? Thomas repays that whole “tossing the fetus in the dumpster” incident by smashing his boss’ head into a Technicolor watermelon. It’s all about closure. Until he finds inner peace, Thomas finds a chainsaw. The rest just writes itself.

Butchering, screaming, cannibalism, screaming, kneecap gunshot wounds, screaming, face-skinning, screaming… It’s all part of Thomas’ pastiche.

Way more graphic and gory than the original, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning follows the same template as the Friday the 13th sequels, just racking up body count numbers in place of a compelling storyline. And Thomas? He’s already changed his name to Jason and got a job at Camp Crystal Lake.

Skinwalkers, Prime Time Cults, Evil Birdhouses

Every time I think there are no more cool things to distract me from real life, up pops a thing so cool, life itself becomes meaningless. This time it’s The Evil Dead (1981) horror cabin made into a birdhouse. Made by Reddit’s murdrfaze — and soon-to-be for sale (albeit severely limited to 10) — the birdhouses are constructed by hand and the rock chimney made from creek stones. I feel that’s pretty dang cool.

I’d probably buy one but I think all the birds in my neighborhood are already possessed by the same demons that made The Evil Dead cabin so evil. If you could see how many times I have to wash the bird crap off my car, you’d swear some giant, flying beaked monster ate a high fiber city and decided to pooptie all over my hooptie.

Speaking of things that may or may not make you wanna soil yourself (or on someone else’s car that’s not mine), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that could qualify as being quite craptacular…

THE MONSTER PROJECT (August 18, 2017)/Limited/VOD)
“A group of aspiring horror filmmakers, eager to raise their YouTube™ subscriber count, post an online casting call for ‘real life’ monsters to interview for their documentary. They find three participants and choose to film them sharing their haunted experiences in a mansion in the woods on the night of a lunar eclipse. The production suddenly turns into a nightmare when the participants transform into a real skinwalker, vampire, and demon forcing the unsuspecting crew to fight for their lives.”

Cool title and premise. Wish they called me to be one of the monsters; I think I’d make for a pretty good werewolf/skinwalker, what with my long hair and penchant for ribeye steaks with a side of khakis. And no, I wouldn’t go around sniffing butts. Even as a werewolf, I’d maintain at least a few social standards.

AMERICAN HORROR STORY: CULT (September 5, 2017)
“Politics and clowns play a pivotal role in AHS: Cult.”

Clowns and politicians. Thought they were one in the same. The new art, though, suggests bees will somehow be around to create a buzz (heh) about AHS’s seventh season. I hear it’ll be an 11-episode dealie. Was not a big fan of season six (Roanoke), though I did like season 5 (Hotel). Pretty dang gory, violent and entertaining because of those two essential horror ingredients. So for season seven, keep those and just add a little…honey. (Heh.)

LEATHERFACE
(September 21, 2017/DirecTV/October 20, 2017Theatrical/VOD)
“Jessica Madsen plays one of four inmates who escape from a mental hospital. One of them becomes the title character and iconic slasher. The quartet kidnap a young nurse and take her on a road trip from hell. Along the way, they are pursued by an equally deranged lawman out for revenge.”

Wrote about this one back on October 25 of the year 2016 A.D.. But hey, new poster and a locked ’n loaded (finally) release date. Here’s some more info that’ll rev up you — it’s being given an R rating for “strong bloody violence, disturbing images, language and some sexuality/nudity.” I have no problem with that.

CAMP COLD BROOK (in production)
Camp Cold Brook centers around a horrific incident in 1993 when dozens of young campers, without warning, stand at attention, seemingly in a hypnotic trance, and proceed to attack not only each other but the staff as well with deadly intent. The survivors then bind their feet with rope tethered to large rocks and drag themselves into the nearby lake.”

“Twenty-five years later, reality TV ghost hunter Jack Wilson finds himself in a tough spot. His show, Haunted Places, is on the brink of being canceled. In a last ditch effort to spark ratings to land a final season, he and his producers, as well as their trusted cameraman, choose the legend of Camp Cold Brook to try to save their show.”

“Their arrival begins like any other episode. Cameras are placed, and the team sets up shop in the dilapidated lodge and waits. But this is not going to be a regular episode. The terror here was real, and the 30 are about to rise.”

Yes, this has been done before, so quit e-yawning. That’s MY job.

Blood, Leather and Mom

Still marveling over technology’s ability to stop a horror movie long enough for you to go to the bathroom, and then resume when you’re done. (Did you wash your hands?) Wonder if they make digital catheters, you know, to eliminate the middle man?

Anyway, here’s some plausible pause-ables…

BLOODY BITS (available now)
“Black Fawn Distribution, in association with essential Canadian horror film festival Blood In The Snow (BITS), has released the brand new short horror film compilation entitled Bloody BITS – Shorts Compilation. The collection highlights seven of the film festival’s best short horror films and, in support of the DVD’s new release, which is currently available for order exclusively through blackfawndistribution.com.”

I like horror shorts. Not the ones I’m wearing, but the “wham, bam, thank you ma’am” mini movies that cater to my ADD. Normally, I’d just knock that condition into submission with six or eleven beers. But short horror movies achieve the same results, though not nearly as fun.

LEATHERFACE (available now/UK)
“Four wannabe actors take part in a horrifying reality show in which a serial killer stalks them in a remote cabin and their reactions are filmed for TV. The survivor of the week is promised $1 million and the starring role in their very own horror film. The only problem is the role of the killer is being played by a maniacal murderer who has been let out of an insane asylum to continue his reign of terror.”

This one’s a lawsuit-in-a-can. There’s already an official Texas Chainsaw Massacre spin-off called Leatherface (as deftly reported here back in October 2016) pending a 2017 release. This RIP-OFF Leatherface has been released in the UK and has nothing to do with the TCM franchise, even though the guy on the front looks deceptively similar, as does his choice of power tools. International wars were started over far less.

THE BELKO EXPERIMENT (March 17, 2017/VOD)
“The American Belko company in South America is mysteriously sealed off at the beginning of a work day and its employees are ordered to kill each other or be killed themselves. This starts an escalation of violence, where we discover the true nature of each and every Belko employee.”

Corporate employees killing each other. So much for an HR department. Wondering though — if you get killed, does that take away from your accrued vacation time?

KILLING GROUND (2017)
“Ian and Samantha arrive at an isolated campsite to find an SUV and a tent — no sign of the occupants. As night falls and the campers fail to return, Ian and Sam grow increasingly uneasy. The discovery of a distressed child wandering in the woods unleashes a terrifying chain of events that will test them to breaking point.”

Time to invoke the legally-binding “finder’s keepers” claim here and score yourself some new wheels and a portable roof over your head. Don’t be a douche — do the right thing and leave a thank-you note.

BORDERLINE (2017)
“Maria and Silvia have lost their mother and they have decided to put her to rest in the nearby forest. One of the sisters becomes unhinged by the loss. Her mental instability leads to tragedy as the other sibling and others do their best to survive this dark encounter.”

Bigfoot’s not gonna cotton to you burying your garbage on his property. This also makes me wonder why the sisters are dumping no-longer-mom in the woods and side-stepping a formal funeral with all the bling? Maybe they were adopted.

Monster Friends

Películas para no dormir: Adivina quién soy, a 2006 Spanish horror movie, translates to Non-Sleeping Movies: Guess Who I Am? Weird; the name I found this under is A Real Friend. Both are crappy titles that give no insight as to what it is you’re watching. And even after you watch it, you’re still left wondering WTH.(Digital speak for “what the heckaroo.”)

Tweener Esrtella’s dad died. Her single and still hot mom works double shifts as a nurse and indulges in her naughty whims with the security guard at their apartment buildingm in the romantic parking garage. While her mother is busy getting busy, Estrella, obesessed with horror movies and books, makes friends with Texas Chain Saw Massacre’s Leatherface (she even takes him to school) and a bald vampire who follows her around town. He’s the splitting image of Count Orlok from 1929’s Nosferatu. She calls him simply, “Vampiro.” It suits him.

Mom (non-mom name: Angela) gets a visit from a drunk, pistol-packing detective who warns her of this “vampiro” (clue: he’s been chasing him for years) who once raped her and later died in prison. He didn’t really croak. In fact, he’s in town for some more illegal lovin’. You can imagine the look on mom’s face when Estrella brings Vampiro home to share a nice dinner of homemade pizza and wine. (He picked all the pineapple chunks off the pizza before consuming. Good — pineapple does not belong on pizza any more than a garlic headband belongs on a vampiro.)

Dinner goes south, mom gets slapped, Estrella gets sent to bed, and Vampiro forces mom (which oddly she’s kinda up for) into a less than romantic encounter on el couch. It’s here Estrella summons her monster friends: zombies, Mr. Hyde and the real Count Orlock (nifty cameo). A chase scene through the underground parking garage ends with a confrontation with the saw. Man, I sure hope Vampiro doesn’t lose his head over this misunderstanding.

Despite all the right ingredients, A Real Friend never manages to deliver the pizza. Some blood, a little violence, not enough screen time for the legends of horror… It’s as if this was all in Estrella’s head. Chalk that up to the confusing script, which hints at some big secret behind dad’s passing (never revealed, although you can probably figure it out) and who the heckaroo Vampiro really is. Maybe they should put the pineapple back on this multi-topping pizza and bake it a bit more.

Hell Has Frozen Over – Might As Well Go Skiing

While the horror of 2016 has yet to be fully realized, might as well look ahead to the upcoming (movie) horrors of 2017…

CUTE LITTLE BUGGERS (2017)
“After hostile aliens crash land on local farmland, the villagers at the summer ball get suspicious when young women start going missing. The villagers soon band together to fend off the invaders and bring peace back to the sleepy English countryside.”

Why are aliens more often than not depicted as being hostile? Just because they tend to stick sharp things in our Earth orifices for the sake of science shouldn’t be taken as a signal of ill-intent between planets. If that were the case, then we might as well declare open season on proctologists. (I’m looking in your direction, Dr. “Big Finger” Lindermund.)

HOTEL OF THE DAMNED (December 6 / VOD)
“After a near fatal car accident, and stranded in the middle of nowhere, a group of travelers find themselves in an abandoned hotel deep in the Carpathian Mountains. Their bad luck becomes a nightmare when they discover that in the cavernous remains of the hotel live a race of sub-human cannibalistic creatures.”

A hotel for cannibalistic creatures? Cool! Looked everywhere on Expedia™ and couldn’t locate one for my upcoming vacation. I did, however, find one place that hosts such sub-humans — my apartment building.

DEVIL’S DOMAIN (2017)
“Lisa Pomson is a troubled, social media-obsessed teen, conflicted with her sexuality and her parents’ misunderstanding of her. When Lisa gets secretly filmed binging, purging, and masturbating, the video goes viral; and she suffers extreme cyber-bullying. Suicidal and on the brink of insanity, a beautiful, mysterious stranger (the Devil) strikes up an online relationship with her. They grow close and meet, and the stranger offers to help in exchange for a favor: Satan will rid her of the bullies and give Lisa fame and fortune in exchange for a baby. Lisa agrees, but as the bullies die one by one, Lisa’s conscience kicks in and she regrets making the deal.”

So the Devil is online? I don’t know why this doesn’t surprise me. Then again, now that the election is done and Hell has frozen over, it makes perfect sense. (Wouldn’t it suck if you requested the Devil to friend you, and got denied? Ouch!)

REPLACE (2017)
“Young and beautiful Kira is afflicted with a strange disease where her skin ages rapidly to the point of drying out and crumbling away. When she discovers that she can replace her own skin with somebody else’s, she has to make a choice: watch her own body wither and die, or give in to temptation…whatever the price.”

A spin on The Picture of Dorian Grey (1945) and every movie starring Countess Elizabeth Bathory, who bathed in the rejuvenating broth of young, beautiful women so that she can continue looking in a mirror without breaking it. Replace begs the question — exactly how do you go about appropriating someone else’s skin for vanity purposes? I’d start by asking Texas Chain Saw Massacre’s (1974) Leatherface or those tuna-smelling, skin degloving fish people from Dagon (2001).

Cannibals, Vampires, Talking Trees

Lots of horror movies as of late. Wonder that the stinkin’ heck that’s all about? Not like it’s goonin’ me out or anything. Okay, maybe a little.

CHILD EATER (2016)
“Taking it’s cues from dark fairy tales, the story concerns of simple night of babysitting, which takes a horrifying turn when Helen realizes that the bogeyman is real and is in little Lucas’ closet.”

Gotta say, this might be the best horror movie title with a kid reference since 1972’s Children Shouldn’t Play With Dead Things. Child Eater is based on a 2012 short of the same name. Never saw it. I was busy washing and combing my hair the entire year. (And what a shine!)

WOLVES AT THE DOOR (2017)
“Four friends gather at an elegant home during the Summer of Love, 1969. Unbeknown to them, deadly visitors are waiting outside. What begins as a simple farewell party turns to a night of primal terror as the intruders stalk and torment the four, who struggle for their lives against what appears to be a senseless attack.”

A questionable rendering of the counter-culture Manson murders nearly 50 years ago. Who needs hippie reenactments when today’s home invasion die kill bleed movies (i.e., Them/2006, The Strangers/2008, and You’re Next/2013) are almost as nasty as the real thing?

THE DEVIL’S CANDY (March, 2017)
“A struggling painter is possessed by satanic forces after he and his young family move into their dream home in rural Texas.”

Since most painters are struggling, by extension that means they’re all possessed by satanic forces. That, or cadmium yellow.

LEATHERFACE (2017)
“The origin story for The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974), in which a young nurse is kidnapped by four violent teens who escape from a mental hospital and take her on a road trip from hell. Pursued by an equally deranged lawman out for revenge, one of these teens is destined for tragedy and horrors that will destroy his mind, molding him into the monster we now call Leatherface.”

The seventh sequel for this butt-rubbed-raw franchise (that was supposed to come out 2015). You ever see a cow that’s been over-milked? Looks like leather.

THE TRANSFIGURATION (2017)
“A 14-year-old misfit gets bullied at school and immerses himself in the world of vampires to escape his solitude when he returns home.”

You can tell this kid is already messed up when he delves into the world of vampires instead of preferred Victoria’s Secret™ underwear catalogs. Sorry bloodsuckers; I’m tradin’ you in for a Dream Angels’™ sheer floral lace tunic. I don’t care if it costs $68. I’ll get another job.

WITHOUT NAME (2017)
There’s something bizarre and nightmarish waiting in the woods, and its sights are set on Eric, a land surveyor who’s tasked with assessing the woodland area in question just as his marriage is about to crumble. Stressed out by his fractured home life, Eric is tragically susceptible to the woods’ powerful ability to enter the emotionally wounded man’s mind and wreak both physical and mental havoc on him.”

Hey, Eric — don’t listen to those trees, man; They’re a bunch of Republicans. Bushes, too. (Heh.) And don’t get me started on that smack talkin’ Scotch broom…

Eat Your Neighbors

’Ol Eddy Gein – simple Plainfield, Wisconsin farm boy, eater of pork ’n beans, collector of women’s naughty parts – was the Norman Bates of his day. And like Norm, Ed was ruled by the oppressive memory of his dead, Revelations-spouting mommy, which caused him to go out and cleanse the world of harlots, hookers, and assorted skanks.

Ed Gein (2000) is based on the true adventures of Ed and his grave-robbing/serial killing spree of the ’50s, and gave Leatherface a bankable career. That said, this lurid and grim flick sticks to the roof of your mouth like peanut butter. Or dead skin covered in peanut butter.

When he’s not killing and dissecting women to make his own skin suit (which he dances around in during full moons), he seems likable enough, baby-sitting neighborhood kids, hanging out at the corner bar, buying anti-freeze and rat poison at the town’s hardware store. But let mamma get in his brain, and schiz hits the fan.

Not particularly gory (although there are icky body parts and human faces made into masks), the true eeriness is actual 1950s newsreel footage of the real Ed Gein’s arrest on his farm after the killings. Steve Railsback plays the title character just a little too good; just don’t go over to his farm to congratulate him.

P.S. Try your very bestest not to confuse this Ed Gein with Ed Gein: The Butcher of Plainfield, released in 2007. It’d be easy to, though, given that it’s the exact same movie and titled so close as to be a sequel.

Same Old Saw And Dance

Apparently seven Texas Chain Saw Massacre movies simply aren’t enough, so they’re making YET ANOTHER one. Titled Leatherface and slated for a 2016 release, this one is described as a prequel and seeks to explain the formative years of the skin-wearing, power tool endorsing horror icon.

In a “gimme a freakin’ break” maneuver, Leatherface’s real name is Jackson Sawyer and they “cleverly” got the word “saw” in his name. (Good thing he tormented people with a chain saw instead of a garden hose.)

After you’re done yawning, here’s the plot: “The story chronicles the events in Jackson’s teen years, revealing how he became the infamous Leatherface. Violent teenager Jackson escapes from a mental hospital with fellow inmates Bud, Ike and Clarice. The group kidnaps nurse Lizzy in their escape. As the group flees with their captive, they are pursued by Hal Hartman, a vengeful and determined Texas Ranger.”

As this is a prequel, we already know the Texas Ranger, however vengeful and determined he is, was/is unable to get the job done. If he did, we wouldn’t have had to endure all the pointless Texas Chain Saw cash-ins.

This same prequel premise has been done with Freddy Krueger, Micheal Myers, and Norman Bates, et al, so it was only a matter of time before they did it to Leatherface. Which means you’ve already seen this movie and it hasn’t even come out yet.

Feel free to yawn some more.