Shopping Maul, Presidential UFOs, Space-Trippin’

As one of those “unplug your brain” horror cash-ins, 1986’s Chopping Mall is an admitted guilty pleasure. In this movie, “a group of young shopping mall employees stay behind for a late night party in one of the stores. When the mall goes on lock-down before they can get out, the robot security system malfunctions, and goes on a killing spree.” What’s not to like? And now we can read the gory details with the November 2024 novelization of Chopping Mall. Warning: You’ll need to know how to read for this to work.

From the book’s press release: “The 138-page adaptation is written by Brian G. Berry (The Barn: The Novelization) and based on the screenplay for the 1986 cult classic by Jim Wynorski and Steve Mitchell. High tech robots equipped with state-of-the-art security devices have been recruited as the new mechanical ‘night watchmen’ for Park Plaza Mall. When a jolting bolt of lightning short circuits the main computer control, the robots turn into ‘killbots’ on the loose after unsuspecting shoppers! Four couples are trying to make it after hours in a mattress store. They make it alright — in the morgue!”

Chopping Mall: The Novelization, arrives November 19, 2024, published in paperback, mass market paperback and e-book. That was almost to the day 38 years ago Chopping Mall premiered on November 14, 1986. The clock on my digital waffle iron confirms this. Click this to preorder the book.

So while those of who can’t read, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/documentaries that may or may not feature teen-extinguishing killbots…OR waffles…

ALIENS UNCOVERED: MARILYN MONROE EXPOSED / May 7, 2024 (DVD, VOD)

“As tensions continue to spike between the United States and the Soviet Union, UFO sightings and the actions involved begin to take a turn. With abductions and other variations of close encounters, did the President attempt to disclose that information in an unorthodox way, trying to warn humanity of what was to come?”

The President disclosing info in an unorthodox is in references to John F. Kennedy, who, back in his living days (until 1963), allegedly had an affair with icon supermodel/actress Marilyn Monroe and pillow talked about all the aliens coming to Earth to vote Democrat. Republican conspiracy theorists with no life insist the cause of Monroe’s non-living was the FBI silencing her to keep pillow talk about visiting aliens a secret. Or maybe aliens did it. Both theories are plausible.

SHE IS CONANN / May 7, 2024 (VOD)

“A barbaric fantasy sci-fi trip through time where sword-and-sorcery mythology is bent, fractured, and gender-swapped. Six lives, six eras, and six deaths mark Conann’s poetic journey through different incarnations and lesbian loves. Guiding Conann through her many epic lives is Rainer, a Cerberus of many otherworldly dimensions whose paparazzi camera sees all. A moving portrait of a warrior trying to find her place while outside of space, time, and meaning.”

If I was a warrior trying to find my place outside of space, time and meaning, I’d go to the Tug Tavern, order a chilled carafe of Budweiser™, eat one of their freshness-expired $1.99 mind-altering pickled eggs, strap in…and go for the ride. 

TRAP / August 9, 2024 (Theaters)

“A father and teen daughter attend a pop concert, where they realize they’re at the center of a dark and sinister event.”

Dear god no — it’s Mumford & Sons concert!

ALIEN AI: ABDUCTED / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“A pair of siblings travel to a cabin once owned by their now-missing mother in the hopes of solving her strange disappearance.”

According to the movie’s title, mom was abducted by aliens. Problem solved.

Celebrating Aliens, Two-Timing Exorcist, Dating Mermaids

Today, April 26, is Alien Day, in celebration of one of sci-fi’s all time greatest movies (and some other stuff). This year also marks the 45th anniversary of Alien, which was released May 25, 1979 and September 6, 1979 in the United Kingdom. The reason it took four months later to introduce Alien to the Brits was that it was deemed too horrifying by the United Kingdom Parliament, citing it would scare the fish ‘n chips right out of their arses. (I got this info from a guy with a fake British accent on the bus.)

Facts about Alien Day I totally copied off the Internet: “Alien Day is a widely acclaimed holiday sponsored by the film production company, 20th Century Fox™. It was first celebrated in 2015 as an unofficial holiday in Brooklyn, New York, by a group of folks who aimed to glorify the world of science fiction. In 2016, it became even more organized and recognized as trivia competitions, comic books, Alien video games, clothes, and collectible prizes became parts of events marking its celebration.”

Horror merch companies like Fright Rags™ and Cavity Colors™ have issued limited edition Alien shirts and hoodies, with Fright Rags™ offering a one-day (today) only preorder of Alien survivor/hottie, Ripley’s cat, Jonesy, who everybody thought had an alien inside of it when they went into stasis (science nap) after blowing the stowaway Alien out of the shuttle into space, where apparently no one can hear you scream.

So while we all celebrate Alien Day by day drinking and then taking a long science nap, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not scare the fish ‘n chips out of your arse…

THE EXORCISM / June 7, 2024 (Theaters)

“A troubled actor begins to unravel while shooting a supernatural horror film. His estranged daughter wonders if he’s slipping back into his past addictions or if there’s something more sinister at play.”

This one stars Russell Crowe. I see your red flag — and I raise ’em. Crowe JUST stared in The Pope’s Exorcist (2023). And now he has ANOTHER exorcism movie coming out? While this is not a sequel (production started on this one in 2019, whereas production began on The Pope’s Exorcist in 2020), Crowe’s at risk of becoming typecast and won’t get any other roles. Just ask Superman’s George Reeves. You fly, they’ll buy.

THE LITTLE MERMAID / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“Dr. Eric Prince, an archaeologist, makes a dramatic discovery on a small Caribbean island — proof of an ancient, advanced prehistoric society. While his dig is in progress, he meets the mysterious and beautiful Aurora Bey and falls in love. Her arrival coincides with several mermaid sightings and strange disappearances. When Eric’s friend and mentor, Dr. Ashley, arrives on the island, Ashley uncovers the true identity of Aurora and the dangers of the hidden evil inside Eric’s dig site. Will Eric heed his friend’s advice, or will he be blinded by love and the power of the siren, allowing the world to fall to the forces of evil?”

Sounds like the horror version of Splash (1984). Event with the inherent danger, I’m intrigued with the idea of dating a mermaid. We could get some sushi, maybe stop by the aquarium, or go to the beach to see seas shells by the seashore. What could possibly go wrong?

PIGLET / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“Deep in the remote Appalachian hills lives Piglet. The son of a once industrious butcher and marred by tragedy, Piglet’s solitary life is shattered when fame-hungry millennials trespass onto his land. They hope to capture paranormal activity on their struggling YouTube™ channel. In a foolish bid to manufacture exploitation, one of them slaughters Piglet’s beloved pig. Little do they know they’ve just incurred the wrath of a vengeful killer. Incensed, Piglet brutally dispatches the trespassers one by one, displaying savage power.”

Piglet, is of course the best friend of the tragically-named Winnie-the-Pooh. In the kid’s books, Piglet’s favorite food is acorns. In this movie, it sounds like his palate leans more towards bloody flesh. Maybe acorns as a pairing.

AIR FRYER SLAUGHTER / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“Everyone loves them, has one or wants one — until they start killing and eating your flesh.”

Slaughter I get. But why would anyone want to fry air?

Taking A Stab At Halloween, A Dose of Hell, Dueling Monsters

What’s better than watching people get knifed up the wazoo by Halloween’s horror icon Michael Myers? Reading about people getting knifed up the wazoo by Halloween’s horror icon Michael Myers. (I looked it up — wazoo is a real word…and you probably don’t wanna know what it means.) And few are better suited to the horror readable word than Printed In Blood™, who is offering Halloween: Illustrated, a 200+ page illustrated hardcover novel all about wazoo knifings. 

From the website: “Printed In Blood™ is VERY proud to present the ORIGINAL Halloween movie tie-in novelization, reprinted in full here for the first time in over 40 years! In addition, it has been fully illustrated throughout with nearly a hundred brand-new Illustrations created just for this release by the vector genius, Orlando ‘Mexifunk’ Arocena. This 224-page volume is bursting with both classic and gorgeous new artistic visions of the John Carpenter 1978 horror classic.”

So while everyone else except me looks up “wazoo” (click this) and orders the $50 Halloween: Illustrated novelization for $50.00 (click this), here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as painful as being knifed up the wazoo…

CURSED / Out now (Spain), Release pending US 2024 (VOD)

“The lives of six girls are connected through a doll called Molly, whose existence dates back to 1976, when she appeared among the rubble of the great fire of the San Carlos orphanage in northern Spain.”

In 1989, piano pop personality Billy Joel had a Grammy™-awarded hit with “We Didn’t Start The Fire”, insisting that him and the band were non-culpable for a myriad of arson cases. So who, then, was behind the San Carlos great fire? Billy Joel.

HELLDOSE / Out now (VOD, DVD, Blu-ray)

“Accompany our hostess Larissa Anzoategui (the director herself) on an experience through several layers of Hell and vengeance as she serves up terrible and delicious taboo secrets from beyond the mortal realm in this dazzling anthology of erotic and comic indie horror that was partially inspired by the Cthulhu Mythos.”

Not seeing the point here as all taboo secrets are delicious. Taboos taste like potato chips. And like potato chips, you can’t have just one.

FOR SALE / May 7, 2024 (VOD)

“Mason McGinness has always been good at two things: selling himself, and finding ways to cheat people into buying when they shouldn’t. One day, his brazen swindling catches up with him and he finds himself fired from his job and kicked to the curb by his ex-girlfriend. Mason finds a small realty company that needs someone to sell a piece of property that is considered ‘unsellable’. The catch? It is the infamous Scarlett Clay House — a haunted property where anyone who inhabits it ends up dead. Now, with the help of a quirky psychic, Mason must find his humanity to get his life back…or die trying.”

Mason sounds like more like a bartender than a realtor.

WILD EYED AND WICKED / June 11, 2024 (VOD)

“In her attempt to strike back at the medieval creature that’s haunted her family for generations, Lily Pierce must reconnect with her estranged father, Gregory, a disgraced history professor, and learn how to draw upon a time of steel and blade when armor-clad knights rode out and dueled monsters to the death.”

Armor-clad knight riding out to duel monsters to the death is what I put on my job résumé — and was offered the night shift manager position at 7-Eleven™.

Sex Vampire, Brain Food, Werewolf App

Rabid, a notorious Canadian-made horror flick, came out in 1977 and starred adult film icon, Marilyn Chambers in her first leading mostly-clothed straight role. This was also a movie in which she was mostly vertical. Heh. Here’s why this movie became one of Canada’s highest-grossing films at the time: “Chambers plays a woman who, after being injured in a motorcycle accident and undergoing a surgical operation, develops an orifice under one of her armpits that hides a phallic stinger she uses to feed on people’s blood. Those she bites become infected, and then feed upon others, spreading the disease exponentially.” So, a socially relevant movie about a sex vampire, or a statement on the flesh-spoiling ramifications of unprotected sex? Probably both.

Rabid came out on April 8, 1977. But today, April 12, marks the 15th anniversary of Marilyn’s passing in 2009. Her first foray into adult entertainment was Behind The Green Door, which depicted sex in a variety snack-pack of ways. According to the all-knowing Wikipedia™, “was a 1972 American feature-length pornographic film, widely considered one of the genre’s ‘classic’ pictures and one of the films that ushered in The Golden Age of Porn (1969 — 1984). Featuring Marilyn Chambers, who became a mainstream celebrity, it was one of the first hardcore films widely released in the United States.” P.S. Rabid was remade in 2019.

So while we celebrate these two April anniversaries with lube and moist towelettes (aka “YMCA locker room party favors”), here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not leave you with the medical condition known as armpit wiener…

BRAIN TUMOR / Out now (Tubi™)

Routine brain surgery makes a terrifying turn when a tumor goes rogue and takes on a life of its own. It runs amok in search of its next meal. It grows bigger and bigger as it chows down on one unsavory character after another.”

Brain surgery is routine? Mowing a lawn is routine. Brain surgery should be the exact opposite of mowing lawns. And it should pay more than whatever the cost is to have your grass cut so as to not do it yourself.

LOWLIFES / Out now (Tubi™)

“The survival instincts of a road-tripping family are put to the test when they have no choice but to stay the night at a remote homestead.”

At night? This scares the remote crap outta me. 

BYTE / Out now (Tubi™)

“A mysterious phone app turns users into werewolves.”

Good, because eating Wolfsbane is like eating kale, which is like eating your fingernails.

LOVE WILL TEAR IS APART / April 16, 2024 (VOD)

“Wakaba Mashita is a young woman grappling with her traumatic past. As she ventures into new romantic relationships, she realizes she is being followed by a relentless masked murderer. This mysterious killer targets anyone who dares to get close to her, turning her quest for love into a fight for survival.”

Don’t let the plot description throw you off — the trailer has more blood and violence than most horror movies…like Barbie. 

X-Rayed Aliens, Evil TV, Porn Slasher

1986’s Aliens — the followup to Alien (1979) — remains one of the all time best horror sci-fi sequels on this planet or exomoon. In it, space warrant officer Ellen Ripley, nearly six decades after barely surviving the “alien gone wild” incident on the deep space mining ship Nostromo (which left most of her spacemates with gaping holes in their chests) is sent back there to re-establish contact with a terraforming colony. Yeah, all but one were left with gaping holes in their chests. This led to Ripley and a squad of gung-ho marines battling the Alien Queen and her face-hugging offspring. Now, thanks to the Aliens Expanded documentary, we get to revisit Aliens without getting our chests ripped open. Spoiler alert — In case you’ve never seen Aliens, that’s the end result of hatchling aliens crawling down your throat, using your innards as an extraterrestrial Porta-Potty™, and then bursting out in much the same manner as an exploding water balloon.

Here’s what you need to know about this revolutionary documentary experience: “Helmed by the creators of In Search of Darkness, Aliens Expanded brings fans on an unparalleled journey into the extraordinary cinematic legacy of the greatest sequel of all time – James Cameron’s 1986 genre masterpiece Aliens. Coupled with interviews with Michael Biehn (as Corporal Hicks), Lance Henriksen (as Bishop) and many more cast and crew, Aliens Expanded is a first-of-its kind scene-by-scene analysis of Aliens with James Cameron leading the conversation.”

You can get in on the pre-sale of Aliens Expanded starting now and going though May 5, 2024. There are three packages with the digital only version being $49 — AND they add your name to the credits. The second Blu-ray package (also includes digital) goes for $99 and carries a pile of extras, like posters, sew-on patches, a mini book and more. But you’ll want the $139 package with comes with a double pile of cool Aliens stuff, including two t-shirts. Digital delivery is June 2024 and physical delivery arrives July 2024. And all you have to do is click this so as to not be left with a gaping hole of regret in your chest.

So while we all order Aliens Expanded and not go wandering around any alien-infested exomoons, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not leave your innards feeling like a Porta-Potty™…

THE DEVIL’S WORK / May 23, 2024 (VOD)

“Charlie and Dustin’s idyllic weekend getaway at their friend’s serene countryside home takes a terrifying turn when a blood-spattered woman suddenly appears, stalking them with relentless determination. As this mysterious woman’s sinister mind games escalate, Charlie is horrified to discover that the stalker is none other than her own sister, Lindy. Lindy’s behavior becomes increasingly erratic and violent, and when Dustin attempts to confront her, the situation spirals into danger. The shocking truth behind Lindy’s intentions slowly emerges, forcing Charlie into a desperate struggle for survival against someone she once loved.”

If my blood-spattered sister was stalking me, I’d tell mom.

EVIL SEASON 4 / May 23, 2024 (Paramount+™)

“In the upcoming season, Kristen, David and Ben continue to assess cases that involve wayward technology, possessed pigs, demonic oppression and infestation, a dance muse conjured by alleged witches and an evil relic. Throughout, Leland attempts to lure Kristen into raising a baby Antichrist who was conceived with her ovum.”

One of my favorite TV series in that it has piles of nasty demons, nasty twists, and nasty evil aplenty. And the promise of possessed pigs, demon infestation and a baby Antichrist makes me nasty happy. 

MAXXXINE / July 5, 2024 (Theaters)

“In 1980s Hollywood, adult film star and aspiring actress Maxine Minx finally gets her big break. But as a mysterious killer stalks the starlets of Hollywood, a trail of blood threatens to reveal her sinister past.”

The third installment of the Ti West brilliant trilogy. If you haven’t seen the precursors X and Pearl (2022), you need to stop whatever you’re doing — be it laundry or performing open heart surgery — and watch ‘em right now. And when you’re done, watch ‘em again. You’ll thank me. 

DEER CAMP ’86 / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“In the fall of 1986, six knuckleheads from Detroit travel north to partake in the annual tradition of deer hunting. But something horrific has been awakened and the hunters become the hunted.”

I hope it’s Bambi. Not the cute version, but that new monster one that gores people with its Antlers of Death? That sounds highly entertaining.

Universe of Monsters, Coach-Class Monsters, Fjord Monsters

Contrary to what you’ve been told, the Monsterverse is not the world comprised of Godzilla and Kong, which includes all manner of supporting cast Titans, but rather Universal™, creators of Dracula, Frankenstein, The Wolf Man, Creature From The Black Lagoon, The Invisible Man and The Mummy. This began in 1931 and profitably continues to this day with 40 monster movies under its money belt. And now you can watch all of ‘em for free on Universal Monsters™ channel on Pluto TV™.

Sure, you can also find the classic Universal Monster™ movies on Freevee™ and Peacock™ (last I checked, anyway). But Pluto TV™ is running Universal’s™ iconic horror mainstays, as well as B-team stuff like The Bride of Frankenstein, The Invisible Man Returns, The Mummy’s Ghost, She-Wolf of London and Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein 24 hours a day. Now you have the perfect excuse not to go to work. 

And you’re gonna need an entire pile of Universal Monsters™ official swag to enhance your TV couch lifestyle — and you can do that by visiting Universal Monsters™ retail store at Production Central™, now open at Universal CityWalk Hollywood™. As reported by Fangoria.com, “The store is divided into four distinctly themed sections, including a tomb, a Gothic cathedral, a laboratory and some totally safe and not spooky woods. The themed sections serve as photo opps for guests, and each section features a wide range of monster-themed good, including apparel, accessories, magnets, key-chains, drinkware, toys and other collectibles.” I should like to work there. Heck, I’ll pay them to hire me.

So while we all tune into Universal Monsters™ TV channel while wearing an Invisible Woman night coat and Wolf Man slippers while drinking a monstrously delicious beer from a Phantom of the Opera koozie, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be worth watching for free…

DIE’CED / Out now (VOD)

“A teenage girl is determined to discover what happened to her missing mom. She soon finds herself face to face with a deranged serial killer who was mistakenly released from an insane asylum on Halloween night.”

Of course, it’s on Halloween. When else are you gonna release a deranged serial killer from an insane asylum? It’s not rocket science, people.

MONSTER ON A PLANE / Release pending 2024/2025 (VOD)

“An exotic animal turns into a monster and becomes a deadly danger for all passengers.”

What kind of exotic animal are we talking about — a raccoon? A dingo? One of those Dune sand worms? They need to be a bit more clear here. Show me a story, don’t tell me a story.

KRAKEN / Release pending 2025 (Theaters, VOD)

“Johanne, a marine biologist, encounters several strange occurrences while researching a fjord, including the brutal deaths of two local teenagers.”

I sure hope those local teens weren’t killed to death brutally by that giant octopus guy on the movie poster. That’d be f’d up.

THE SIN / Release pending 2024/2025 (VOD)
“Si-yeong has been chosen to play the lead role in an experimental art film centered around her dance major. Along with her college friend Chae-yoon, they perform geometric dance routines as part of a shamanic ceremony as directed by the film’s director. However their world is turned upside down when a production team member suddenly falls from the roof — but the seemingly lifeless body begins to move and come to life.”

Dead or not — when the dance floor calls, you gotta answer.

Punk Rock Zombies, Island Monsters, Alien Foster Parents

Return of the Living Dead, the cult horror black comedy that spawned four sequels, came out in 1985 and is considered one of the best — and funniest — zombie movies ever made. But don’t believe me — here’s how the critics tagged it: “A punk take on the zombie genre, Return of the Living Dead injects a healthy dose of ‘80s silliness to the flesh consuming.” It was also nominated for four Saturn Awards™, including Best Horror Film, Best Actor, Best Director and Best Make-up, by the Academy of Science Fiction, Fantasy and Horror Films™. For those of us who’ve seen the movie over and over, we can now buy Return of the Living Dead ReAction™ Figures of Tarman and Trash for a mere $20 each by clicking here.

From the product description: “Dancing on a grave is probably never a good idea, but when the dead start to rise, Trash probably has serious regrets about choosing tombstones as her stage! This articulated, 3.75” scale The Return of the Living Dead ReAction™ Figure of Trash features the impatient punk ready to take…the tombstone! Whether you’re a collector of all-things-zombie or a fan of cult classic films, a Trash The Return of the Living Dead ReAction™ Figure will be right at home in your collection!” P.S. The zombie Tarman (watch the movie to see how it got it’s name), is also available and pairs nicely with the previously released Zombie Trash and Zombie Suicide figures, still available for purchasings.

Return of the Living Dead is notable for a lot of things. First, punk rock zombies. Secondly, the soundtrack is a punk rock smorgasbord, featuring tracks from The Cramps, 45 Grave, T.S.O.L., The Damned, The Flash Eaters, and more. Thirdly, Trash, played by scream queen legend Linnea Quigley, dances full frontal naked nude (okay, not quite — she was wearing leg warmers…and a smile) atop a tomb in a cemetery where said punks were partying. Moments later she was eaten. Oh, by zombies. I probably should’ve clarified that up front. Fourthly, other zombies eat flesh, but these zombies prefer brains. Fifthly, these zombies could not be re-killed by killing them in the brain. Also, their dismembered limbs remained “alive” after chopped off. Sixthly, the zombies were able to speak, something about wanting more brains. Which they got a lot of. Good for them. The squeaky wheel gets the grease.

So while we all take off out clothes and dance on someone’s grave (or not), here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not have any characters who ever heard of The Cramps or The Damned — or punk rock, for that matter…

THE MONSTER IS COMING / Out now (China), Release pending U.S. 2024

Kaos Island, co-constructed by High Seas International™, has a beautiful environment and rich ecological resources. It is the last pure land for rare wild animals. The island’s one-handed company Fire Biotechnology™ accidentally lost two genetically-mutated monsters in a transaction with its employer, causing a series of hurtful incidents. But what is unexpected is that while Song Nan, a young biologist, was investigating the incident, his biological daughter Xiaoting was abducted by a monster. What makes Song Nan even more unexpected is that these two mutated monsters are secretly related to his ex-wife Zhou Qian! An arduous task of searching, subduing the monster, and rescuing Xiaoting begins. In this race against time, Song Nan was unknowingly involved in a bigger conspiracy…

They had me at hurtful incidents. That, and I love to hear people screaming in any language when monsters attack them. Bonus: Watch the first eight minutes of The Monster is Coming here.

JONAH / Out now (VOD)

“After an alleged alien abduction of Margot’s son Jonah, Ozzie and Darren, journalists investigating supernatural cases, are determined to expose the truth. During their investigation, Ozzie grapples with his own haunting memories, leading to intense skepticism about Margot’s story.”

Jonah was not abducted by aliens. He was “donated.” You try raising a kid in these dire economic times — those g-darn things are so expensive to maintain, what with having to feed ‘em daily. What’s up with that?

BREATHE / April 26, 2024 (Theaters)

“Air-supply is scarce in the near future, forcing a mother and daughter to fight to survive when two strangers arrive, desperate for an oxygenated haven.”

You won’t find such haven at the Tug Tavern on $1 Bowel Busters Burrito Night. You think oxygen is scarce in the near future…

ATLAS / May 24, 2024 (Netflix™)

“A bleak-sounding future, where an AI soldier has determined that the only way to end war is to end humanity.”

Um, wasn’t that the exact plot of Avengers: Age of Ultron (2015)? ’Ol Ulty’s plan to delete humanity did not go as planned, though. Hope I’m not doing a spoiler here, but AI-borne Ultron ended up…deleted. 

Killer Cologne, Giant Rabbit, Zombie Pirates

Attack of the Killer Tomatoes!, horror parody about a group of scientists who pool their brains to save the world from mutated killer tomatoes, came out in 1978. Critical reception of the cult movie was mostly negative, which was another way of saying Attack of the Killer Tomatoes! stinks. Now, 46 years later, this is a proven fact with the release of Attack of the Killer Tomatoes!: The Fragrance.

Created by Xyrena™, makers of nostalgia-inspired fragrances, candles and air fresheners, Attack of the Killer Tomatoes!: The Fragrance they say is now available as a unisex extrait de parfum and comes housed in a collectible VHS-style clamshell case with two different cover art editions to choose from: the original 1978 theatrical movie poster or 1995 Director’s Cut VHS; each with a coordinating bottle design. The fragrance is also available as a soy blend candle in a tomato red tin with a VHS-inspired label. The fragrance will be released as an air freshener in late March, with variants for the other films in the franchise, including Return of the Killer Tomatoes (1988), famously one of George Clooney’s first roles.”

So what does Attack of the Killer Tomatoes!: The Fragrance smell like? According to the product description it’s a “garden-fresh fragrance that opens with a citrusy top note of sweet tangerine, transitioning seamlessly into vegetal mid notes of green stems, (killer) tomato leaf, and freshly cut grass. The filmic fragrance comes to a dramatic climax with an earthy base of wild fern, wet soil, genuine Indonesian patchouli, and South African Buchu.” If, for some abstract reason you wanna waste $98 and end up smelling like all of the above, (looking in your direction, hippies, click this to buy it.

So while we all tempt fate by scoring some of this pungent perfume, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not appeal to hippies…

EASTER EVIL / Out now (DVD)

“In Las Vegas, a go-go dancer and a call girl are terrorized by a giant evil rabbit.”

In Vegas, this isn’t considered a horror movie.

THE MUMMY MURDERS / Out now (Tubi™, YouTube™, VOD)

A lot of people have recently gone missing in Alexis’ hometown of San Antonio, Texas. Alexis is a top reporter for the local news station, and there have been rumors that a serial killer is responsible for those missing.”

This movie is so predictable, you can watch the trailer and figure out the entire thing in two minutes, of which you’ll never get back.

THE LEGEND OF LAKE HOLLOW / MARCH 26, 2024

“A group of friends goes to a remote cabin by a lake to rest and relax when unexplained things start to happen. Cameras flash in the night as something sinister stalks them and strange people appear and mysteriously vanish without a trace. As they start to doubt who they can trust among them, the creature behind these occurrences will reveal itself and is more terrifying than they can imagine.”

Just so you know, the creature isn’t a Plesiosaur stuck in the lake since Triassic summer camp. That means it could be either a poisonous squirrel or a gangsta raccoon. I’m pretty sure I’m in the zip code on this.

SHIP OF THE DAMNED / April 1, 2024 (VOD)

“After an abandoned 500-year-old ship appears off the coast of a small town, historian Elena and the local coastguard go to investigate. Shockingly, they discover that the ship is far from abandoned and its cursed cruel cutthroat undead crew have horrific and painful plans for their visitors.”

Pirate zombies. Does that mean they eat treasure instead of brains? If so, you’d do well to walk behind them with a Pooper Scooper™.

Ghost With The Most, Skin Witch, Corpse Car Wash

The hit comedy ghost movie Beetlejuice came out in 1988 and, according to Wikipedia™, eventually grossed $74,664,632 in North America, against a $15 million budget. Beetlejuice is also the 10th-highest grossing film of that year. Now, 36 years later (as of this e-barfing), we’re getting a sequel — Beetlejuice Beetlejuice. If you’ve seen the original, this is cleverly titled and sets up a second sequel should they decide to do it. (To invoke the wildly wisecracking bio-exorcist Beetlejuice, say his name three times.)

What makes Beetlejuice Beetlejuice so highly-anticipated is the return of much of the original’s cast and other big names, which includes Micheal Keaton (Batman) returning as Beetlejuice, Winona Ryder (Lydia Deetz), now mom to Astrid Deetz, played by Jenna Ortega (Wednesday Addams), and Catherine O’Hara as Delia Deetz, stepmom/step-grandma to anyone with her last name. Also appearing is Willem Dafoe (Green Goblin) and Monica Bellucci (Dracula’s bride and here playing the wife of Beetlejuice).

Fans of the original Beetlejuice will instantly catch the “joke” on the new movie’s ad sheet and it’s premier on September 6, 2024. For those who haven’t seen Beetlejuice and the reference, this is g-damn brilliant. Expect more ad sheets to follow — and expect I’ll post ‘em as soon as I get ‘em.

So while we all mark our iCalenders™ for 09/06/24, here are a few out now/upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that may or may not get in the Top 10 of highest-grossing movies of 1988… 

THE GEECHEE WITCH: A BOO HAG STORY/ Out now (Limited Theaters), Release pending (VOD)

“After her mother-in-law is mysteriously killed, Leah and her husband relocate from Harlem to his family’s estate in coastal Georgia. Out of her element, she grows increasingly convinced someone in the low country has put the ‘root’ on her. Leah’s fears are realized when she discovers a Boo Hag has been unleashed on her family. Disguised in the skin of past victims, the witch is determined to take Leah’s husband — and her life.”

A Boo Hag is a mythical creature in the folklore of the Gullah culture. It is a locally created unique contribution to the worldwide hag folklore based on the syncretic belief system of Gullah or Hoodoo cultures. And that’s just off the top of my head. P.S. If a Boo Hag has been eying your skin and you don’t have a bible (you can find one in the fiction section of your local store of books), just sprinkle a mixture of cayenne pepper and salt in the corners and around the room. You can find cayenne pepper and salt in the spice section of your local store of food.

BOX: METAPHOR / February 6, 2024 (VOD)

“Box: Metaphor is a sci-fi thriller film about a dystopian journey where unjust imprisonment unveils societal conformity and defiance’s profound impact. It’s about breaking free from metaphorical boxes and the resilience of the human spirit.”

All that and it still sounds pretty dull.

PEMANDI JENAZAH / February 29, 2024 (Indonesia), Release pending US

“Lela, a mortician, discovered something odd about the body of her mother who died suddenly. Trapped in sacred tension and a tense horror journey, Lela discovers another oddity in the body of the corpse she was bathing.”

I’m being told by that guy who manages the produce aisle at the supermarket that Pemandi Jenazah translates to Corpse Bath. It does not. It translates to Body Bath. In your face, lettuce breath! And just for S&G’s, Tempat Cuci Mobil Mayat translates to Corpse Car Wash.

PASAR SETAN / February 29, 2024 (Theaters / Indonesia), VOD US pending)

“Rani is a police officer who handled a murder case in the restricted forest area where she serves. This case involved Tamara, a horror vlogger who became a victim of cancel culture after being caught uploading a fake sighting video. Tamara and his team go on a journey to find the Devil’s Market to prove its existence and restore their good name. Problems arise when Tamara discovers the restricted area, but they become trapped.”

Pasar Setan translates to Satan’s Market, not Devil’s Market. At Satan’s Market, they often run specials on Black Phillip™ brand goat cheese and religious-expired angel food cake. And they’ll even honor coupons from Devil’s Market.

The Future of Horror, Viva Las Frankenstein, Satanic Bubble Bath

2023 was a banner year for horror and brought us the return of Saw and The Exorcist, to big LOLs with horror comedies Cocaine Bear and Renfield, to stunningly good indie horror Talk To Me and No One Will Save You. Looking forward to 2024 (I think that’s next year), there’s some big horror titles geared to suck up our movie money like a Dyson Gen5detect Absolute™ vacuum cleaner: Con2tantine, Scream 7, Final Destination 6: Bloodlines, Beetlejuice 2, The Crow (reboot, actually), The Conjuring: Last Rites, and Smile 2. Mind you, none of these titles are set in stone and the art below isn’t official. Just like this blog.

So while we all countdown to 2024 for all of the above, as well as mouth-drooling-anticipated titles like A Quiet Place: Day One, They Follow, The Invisible Man 2, Kingdom of the Planet of the Apes, Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire, Nosferatu, The First Omen, Alien: Romulus (title may change), Return to Silent Hill, MaXXXine, Salem’s Lot and even more Amityville movies, here are a few out now horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make it to 2024…

HEAD ON A PLATE / Out now (VOD)

“A shape-shifting alien wreaks havoc on a small rural town in the near the legendary Area 51 of ufo fame. These extraterrestrials are a brain-eating race who love to behead and eat humans. They are among us and have been for millions of years.”

If aliens have been among us for millions of years eating our human flesh groceries, why are we still here?

LAS VEGAS FRANKENSTEIN / Out now (VOD)

“When popular Vegas hypnotist Victor Van Pelt inherits Mary Shelley’s journal, he believes he has the key to the next greatest Vegas show — bringing life to the dead, live on stage.”

Bringing life to the dead, live on stage. Seems like an oxymoron.

BRITAIN’S GREATEST GHOST STORIES / Out now (VOD)

“A team of paranormal investigators use modern techniques and advanced technology looking into some of most famous ghost stories in and around Great Britain.”

This is based on the long-running/same-titled British TV series, which first aired in 2011. And still no one in America gives a fish or chip. (About England, not ghosts. P.S. Just kidding Londinians — we totally heart your fish ’n chips/funny accents.)

LUST, MAGIC AND THE WITCHES’ SABBATH / Out now (VOD)

“When young Morrigan moves away from home for a change of scenery, she never could have imagined the drastic turn her life would take. All roads soon lead to a sexy satanic bloodbath.”

Sexy satanic bloodbath. Sounds like something you’d buy at Bed, Goth & Beyond and pour into your bath water.