Archive for the Scream Queens Category

Scary Clothes, Murderous Hotels, Grassy Horror

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Scream Queens, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 5, 2019 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Cavity Colors

Awesome new swag from CavityColors.com, featuring nine shirts/tank tops/baseball shirts based on the Hall of Fame horror movie, Carrie (1976). Prices range from $27.00 to $37.00, so there’s no excuse to not raid your retirement fund.

Cavity Colors

What? You say you haven’t seen Carrie or read the Stephen King book on which it was adapted? First, may shame fall upon thee. Secondly, here’s the plot AGAIN: “Withdrawn and sensitive teen Carrie White faces taunting from classmates at school and abuse from her fanatically pious mother at home. When strange occurrences start happening around Carrie, she begins to suspect that she has supernatural powers. Invited to the prom by the empathetic Tommy Ross, Carrie tries to let her guard down, but things eventually take a dark and violent turn.”

Carrie

A vast understatement. The prom scene is one of the most iconic in horror film history, using split screen and split spleen technology. And it also has one of the coolest “fill your pants” endings you’ll ever fill your pants to.

Before you go to your own prom, here are a few now available/upcoming horror movies that may or may not be worth changing your pants over…

Night Shift

NIGHT SHIFT (available now)
Amy is a young woman hired to work the night shift at a hotel made notorious by a gruesome legend — that 10 years ago, the hotel was the site of a brutal mass murder. As her shift goes into the late hours of the evening, Amy realizes that not only is the story true, but that the killer remains on the grounds, and still has a taste for blood. Trapped in the hotel, with a vicious murderer on her trail, Amy must find a way to escape and save the hotel’s guests in this terrifying thriller.”

If you’re looking for other mediocre hotel horror movies, try 2013’s India-made Horror Story, based on Stephen King’s 1408 (2008). Or you could just re-watch The Shining (1980), the mother of all haunted hotel horror movies and pee your pants AGAIN.

You Might Be The Killer

YOU MIGHT BE THE KILLER (available now)
“As Sam flees from a masked killer at camp, it slowly dawns on him that HE might be the killer. With the help of his film buff friend Chuck, Sam navigates through horror movie tropes to try and make it out of this plot alive.”

This one came out in September of 2018, but someone blinked and it went uncared about. It’s a horror comedy, but for a better take on this theme, shell out a few fun coupons for the far superior The Final Girls (2015). Here’s its plot: “Max, recently orphaned, goes to see a screening of a B-horror movie that her mother made 20 years earlier. When Max and her friends find themselves in the world of the film itself, they must apply their knowledge of horror tropes to survive.”

In The Tall Grass

IN THE TALL GRASS (2019)
“A sister and brother who pull off to the side of the road after hearing a young boy crying for help from beyond the tall grass. Within minutes they are disoriented, in deeper than seems possible, and they’ve lost one another. The boy’s cries are more and more desperate. What follows is a terrifying…”

Sounds like a job for…The Lawnmower Man (1992). Heh.

Vampire Licker

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Scream Queens, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on December 19, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Vampire Junction

In the extremely low-budget Vampire Junction (2001), a hand-held camera “horror” movie about female vampires, the plastic fangs are the only thing that cost any money because it certainly wasn’t spent on plot, lighting or dialogue.

Vampire Junction

Two lesbian vampires shave and lick each other. The camera zooms in on their not-so private parts and leaves it there and assumes that’s supposed to be an integral part of the story. OK, it kinda is, but that’s just because female not-so private parts are somehow…mesmerizing.

Vampire Junction

Lina Romay shows up as an overweight old lady with a Marine-regulation haircut who takes her clothes off. (There’s the “horror” part.) No pun intended, but Lina’s getting long in the plastic tooth. What happened to the superbod she displayed in all its untrimmed glory in Lust For Frankenstein (1998)? Maybe Krispy Kreme™ just opened down the street from her house.

Vampire Junction

One chick vampire has pimples on her butt. Her partner wears goofy make-up that looks like it was applied with a paintball gun. They both look like Winger groupies. And all of this was shot in a hotel room. Yeah, that creates real vampire atmosphere.

Vampire JunctionThere’s some sort of plot, but most of it revolves around the two vampire lesbos getting it on with Lina. I never thought I’d say this, but watching the utterly pointless Vampire Junction has really turned me off to naked girl-on-girl vampire horror. This week, anyway.

Home Alone Horror

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Misc. Horror, Scream Queens, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 1, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Them

Them is a 2006 French movie, or “film” about a young couple being terrorized by hoodie’d figures while in their sprawling, multi-level country home. That the chick is a school teacher and her boyfriend who appears to make his living just by being handsome, seems highly improbable that these two could afford a one bedroom apartment let alone a veritable mansion surrounded by upscale foliage.

Them

First there are the prank calls. Then goofy noises. Then their power goes out. Then you have 60 minutes of them being chased from room to room by a group of 15 year-old boys.

Them

The boyfriend gets his butt stabbed, which admittedly looked painful. But all this movie is about, is the couple trying to get away from the young boys who murdered a mom and daughter in a stalled vehicle the night before. At least I think they were murdered. You never actually see any murderousness being done. Same with the pursued couple.

Them

Them was trumpeted as “gripping, suspense-filled terror.” It is not. What you will grip, though, is the DVD remote’s fast-forward button. Them’s arguable redeeming quality is that this kind of home invasion horror reignited the genre and gave us a string or “pile” of ‘em, the better ones being The Strangers (2008), The Collector (2009) and You’re Next (2011). The best one? Try When A Stranger Calls, made back in 1979. I think my mom was in that one.

More Gore, The Merrier

Posted in Classic Horror, Scream Queens, Slashers, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 25, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Smash Cut

The lurid Smash Cut (2009) is a clever — and at times — dead-on homage to splatter filmmaker Herschell Gordon Lewis, the guy behind such cultural treasures as Blood Feast (1963), Two Thousand Maniacs! (1964), and The Gore-Gore Girls (1972). In fact, Smash Cut applies the framework of The Gore-Gore Girls, working in a sexy female journalist who teams up with a prissy nancy boy detective who has never failed at solving a case. Even the eye-gouging scene is back, though it sure looks like they just spliced footage from The Gore-Gore Girls into this one.

Smash Cut

Able Whitman is a 70 year-old horror movie auteur whose latest movie, Terror Toy, is mercilessly ripped to shreds by critics and fans alike. He seeks solace in the bikini of his stripper girlfriend (who looks like she could be his granddaughter), and later crashes his car, killing her in non-reversible death. He puts her body in his trunk and goes back to work, only to get an inspiration: use real blood and real body parts in his film!

Smash Cut

So Gigi Spot (really?) has a role in the movie, and all she has to do is lay there and rot. She doesn’t have any lines, though. Maybe in the sequel. April Carson, a TV news reporter, is in search of her missing sister (Gigi, duh) and enlists the help of Isaac Beaumonde, the aforementioned narcissistic private detective. He looks for clues and suspects Whitman, but can’t prove it. Yet.Smash Cut

April auditions for a scream queen job with Whitman and, in a moment of pure eewww, has her doing a scene from Hamlet with her sister’s head. (It was pretty rotted and not at all recognizable.) She gets the job and Whitman proceeds to round up more body parts and blood for his greatest cinematic achievement. As April and Issac close in, bladders start to splatter, reaching its rewarding nail gun climax.

Smash Cut

A grindhouse movie about a grindhouse movie, Smash Cut is often cornball, but entertaining in how they managed to emulate the look and feel of z-grade horror movies of the ’60s. Real-life adult film star Sasha Grey has all the emotional range of an inflatable love doll, but she does look good in a tight, blood-splattered nurse uniform.

Smash Cut

David Hess (playing Whitman) is in top form, maniacally cutting off limbs and poking eyes out with an exacto knife. You may remember him from such films as The Last House on the Left (1972) and Swamp Thing (1982). No nudity, but there is buckets of gore and a cameo by Herschell Gordon Lewis himself. Even though it sounds like an oxymoron, stick around for the blooper reel.

Underwater Love, Ancient Alligator, Rehab Werewolf

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Fantasy, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, TV Vixens, UFOs, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 11, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Aquaman

They — and I have no idea who “they” are — just released a slew (from the Irish Gaelic sluagh, meaning “multitude”) of Aquaman (December 21, 2018) character posters, one even including Aquaman himself wearing his classic DC Comics™ orange/green scaly costume. Not sure how I feel about that since showing Aquaman swimming around in leather pants in Justice League (2017) was somewhat…intriguing.

Black Manta/King Nereus

Love the new posters: Black Manta (with the football shape of his head, how does he keep headphones from slipping off?), King Nereus on a seahorse (I got mine from the back of a comic book), Queen Atlanna (I would totally bow to her bathing suit area any day), and Princess Mera, Aquaman’s on/off girlfriend. (Wonder if she could give me swimming lessons? I’d pretend to drown so she’d have to perform mouth-to-mouth on me — for, like a half hour, followed by a refreshing adult beverage, some seafood appetizers and a little skinny dipping — not necessarily in that order.)

Queen Atlanna / Princess Mera

While I go shopping for a new swim suit that doesn’t zip up the back, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as tasty as Clams Casino

Crocodylus

CROCODYLUS (2018)
“A dark secret is unearthed by a local farmer. Local paleontologists reveal its the remains of a prehistoric monster Crocodylus. It’s trible seal has been broken unleashing terror upon the local towns people.”

As bat-sh*t crazy as the world seems to be right now, you know we’re okay when we get another giant crocodile movie. Let’s hope this croc has a taste for politicians. That would be ironic as politicians tend to leave a sour taste in one’s mouth/gaping jaws of doom.

Among The Shadows

AMONG THE SHADOWS (2018/2019)
Kristy Wolfe is a Brussels private eye descended from werewolves who must go to work when her uncle Harry Goldtsone is murdered in a politically-motivated attack. Patricia Sherman, the wife of European Federation President Richard Sherman, hires Wolfe to investigate Goldstone’s killing, as he was her husband’s campaign manager. Wolfe finds bodies falling all over city and must use her innate instincts to unravel the case and stay alive long enough unmask the conspiracy.”

Two things: werewolf movie = neato. Secondly, waaay too much plot getting in the way of fur where there was no fur before. (Yeah, I used that joke before — I’m sure you’ll find a way to get over it.)

Captive State

CAPTIVE STATE (March 29, 2019)
“Set in a Chicago neighborhood nearly a decade after an occupation by an extraterrestrial force, Captive State explores the lives on both sides of the conflict — the collaborators and dissidents.”

Aliens becoming our master overlords. Y’know this might make for a good TV series as well. They could call it Alien Nation or V or Falling Skies or The Invaders or Earth: Final Conflict or…

STARFISH (2019)
A young woman who struggles with the death of her best friend while trying to assemble a series of clues left on mixtapes in order to stop a monstrous end to the world as we know it.”

It figures the end of the world would end up on mixtapes. Who made this film — some dumbass dorm student who thinks social media is a substitute for actually having a real life?

It’s A Wonderful Knife

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Scream Queens, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 1, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Halloween II

Halloween II (2009), picking up exactly where 2007’s Halloween remake left off, it is assumed the unspeaking/unstoppable Michael Myers has been “killed” by career babysitter Laurie Strode by means of some sort of bullet.

Halloween 2

After that complimentary ambulance ride to the morgue came to an abrupt cow-splattering halt, Michael’s body was never recovered. But that doesn’t stop Dr. Loomis from doing a Dr. Phil and going for all the glory-hogging during a book-signing tour about his most famous patient, whom he insists is dead. Michael’s still alive and sequestered in the woods for the last year, keeping a journal of his thoughts and eating… Let’s just say Michael’s not a vegan.

Halloween II

Laurie now lives with Sheriff Brackett and his same-age-as Laurie daughter, Annie. Laurie’s been having reoccurring acute nightmares as a direct result of her traumatic experiences with Michael trying to kill her face off. She takes pills, goes to therapy and screams ALL THE TIME.Halloween II

Michael is having a few dreams of his own, that of his dead mother (Sheri Moon Zombie) dressed in white, accompanied by a large white horse. You don’t have to be a therapist to figure out that action. Mommy wants to get the family back together, so Michael goes returns to Haddonfield to round up Laurie, whether she comes kicking and screaming or not.

Halloween II

Along the way, some particularly brutal, up-close-and-personal flesh ventilating, complimentary of Michael’s handy cutlery skills. Then there’s dog-eating. And redneck crunching. And ambulance driver squishing. And head-stomping. And stripper bashing. The body count is as high as my IQ.

Halloween II

Michael makes it to Haddonfield just in time for the family reunion, which just happens to be on Halloween. (So that’s why they named the movie Halloween.) Laurie reads Loomis’ book and discovers she’s Michael’s sister, Angel. (That’s not a plot spoiler, dang it — if you’ve seen any of the original Halloween movies you already knew this. If you didn’t, well, sorry.)

Halloween II

Some may argue Halloween II is nothing more than a snuff film with no discernible plot, or the way Michael stomps his carbon footprint all over the human ecosystem. But isn’t that the premise of all the Halloween movies (except Halloween III: Season of the Witch/1982)? As for me, I enjoyed the Haddonfield out of it.

Naked and Nude Witch

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Scream Queens, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 12, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Witchcraft IV: The Virgin Heart

Witchcraft IV: The Virgin Heart (1992) starts out with a short bit with 6’1” B-movie goddess Julie Strain, naked, showering, putting on her makeup, styling her hair and being spectacularly naked.

Witchcraft IV: The Virgin Heart

She’s prepping for her role as a stripper/singer Belladonna. FYI: Julie lets ’em out of the blouse bag again during her performance at a club called Coven. Apparently, she sold her soul to become a successful rock star. (The asking price about that of a TV dinner.)

Witchcraft IV: The Virgin Heart

There’s a warlock talking in an echo-y voice who owns Belladonna and makes her strip instead of sing. Most of the movie, though, is about someone looking for someone, blah, blah, blah. 

Witchcraft IV: The Virgin Heart

Julie has sexuals with him in a romantic freight elevator, which you only hear and not really see. (The sex, not the elevator.) That displeased me. The other irritation point is the plot almost has nothing to do with witchcraft, and plods along as a really complicated and boring murder mystery.

Julie Strain

Forget the movie and just watch Julie doing that naked stuff in the intro. Like I’m doing right now. For the fifth time.