Archive for the Scream Queens Category

El Chupacabra vs. The Law

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 27, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Guns of El Chupacabra

Jack B. Quick is a space sheriff, whose job on Earth, is to eliminate that pesky sucker of goats, the legendary Chupacabra. He’ll have his Jack hands full; this Chupacabra is six-feet tall, looks like a cross between a seafood platter entree and Japanese pro wrestler, and is actually the presumably housebroken pet of Lord Invader.

Guns of El Chupacabra

Sent by the Queen Bee and King Allmedia (are you groaning out loud yet?), Jack has to be Quick around the Chupacabra in order to not get his goat blood sucked or admonished by the Queen, whose shirt stuffers are metaphorically the size of orbiting planets.

Guns of El Chupacabra

Jack chases Chupacabra around in his spacecraft, an early model Plymouth. To assist in his quest, he packs a shotgun (easily purchased throughout the galaxy). He also has to slap Lord Invader upside the head for letting his pet go outside his interstellar front yard. And if all of this doesn’t leave you gasping for logic, rocket ranger Dan Danger (now would be another good time to groan audibly) shows up to verbally walk us through this land mine-ridden story line. If Jack B. Quick succeeds, he’ll be knighted. If not, food stamps.

Guns of El Chupacabra

Working on a budget so low, the actors themselves paid for it (in more ways than one). Guns of El Chupacabra (1997) is a sci-fi comedy with a half-decent monster costume, wincing dialogue/references, and Julie Strain, who I would pay to just see stand there for 90 or so minutes.

The Horror of Exercising

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Scream Queens, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 26, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Death Spa

Someone or something is gruesomely canceling gym memberships for the patrons of Los Angeles’ hi-tech Starbody Health Spa, a sort of fitness, nightclub and disco playground where big hair and big muscles populate the landscape.

Death Spa

One fully naked gal is temporarily rendered blind by chlorine steam in the sauna. Another gal belly flops in a pool when the diving board mysteriously unbolts itself. A shower room occupied by super wet supermodels nearly get steam broiled in the locked locker room. A tanning bed turns into a human toaster. A woman gets her hand shredded off in a cocktail blender gone rogue. And a exercise machine literally rips a mullet-wearing guy in half. Feel the burn, then shake it off.

Death Spa

No one can figure out why this poser palace is going awry. Michael Evans, the club’s handsome owner, believes his ghost wife, who earlier doused herself with gasoline and did her impression of a car tire fire, is behind the mutilations/killings. He’s unfortunately right.

Death Spa

His wife’s suicide was never fully explained, but Micheal thinks it’s because she was with child, and then not. As she revenge returns from the grave (leaving typed messages on Mike’s computer, invading his dreams, using the gym’s facilities and skipping out on towel fees), she ends up possessing her brother, who works for Michael and blames him for his sister’s BBQ. Do your best to figure out what happens next.

Death Spa

1989’s Death Spa (aka, Witch Bitch) throws everything into the exercise program — choreographed disco dancing exercise classes, skin-tight work-out spandex, rampant full frontal nudity (a marketing ploy featuring perfectly fit bodies), day-glo clothes, stacked hair and gore scenes so bad, you almost wish they’d cut back to the disco classes. (Note: Disco has never not sucked.) You already know how this movie ends.

Death Spa

P.S. If you want to augment your disco horror fitness regime, watch 1987’s Killer Workout (aka, Aerobicide). Feel the burn, then shake it off.

Vampire Party Night

Posted in Evil, Scream Queens, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 10, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Transylmania

Transylmania (2009) is a knuckle-headed, horror spoof comedy about a bunch of sex/party/drugs obsessed college students attending a Romanian college for a semester. Homework includes vampires, vampire hunters, a sexy hunchback, body part swapping, and more boobs than you can shake your stake at.

Transylmania

The Razvan University is a castle that, when referred to, makes horses flatulent. Run by an evil dwarf principal whose drop dead gorgeous daughter is a hunchback, the school is also the scene of the vampire Radu’s search for his 500 year-old girlfriend whose soul got sucked into a music box.

TransylmaniaOne of the teachers, the bloody attractive Teodora Van Sloan, is an ancestor of the great vampire hunter Van Sloan, who did all the past thwarting. Turns out Radu is the spitting image of the perpetually horny American student, Rusty. That they both dress the same on Vampire Party Night isn’t making it easier for anyone.

Transylmania

A music box, when opened, transfers her soul into Lia, the painfully sexy and dumb nympho. This, understandably, causes more scratching of head. Both of ’em. Speaking of heads, a non-partying blonde twin gets her head cut off and her body used to reconfigure hunchback Draguta Floca. Her head manages to live and even admonishes her pot-head boyfriend and look-alike hard-partying sister for hooking up.

Transylmania

Some bonehead comedy, some hilarious bits (farting horses — heh), LOTS of bare naked boobies and micro-Goth bikini underwear. For all its slapsticking, Transylmania really made me re-think my polices on dating gorgeous hunchbacks.

White Trash Vampires

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Misc. Horror, Scream Queens, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , on January 9, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Vampire Femmes

Shooting directly to video tape, the producers of this stinker ignore even the most basic of rules of filmmaking: table lamp lighting, truck driver dialogue, clip-on mics, questionably attractive women… They obviously raised the money to do Vampire Femmes (1999) by begging for change in front of McDonald’s™.

So three horny vampire chicks lure men to their three-bedroom rambler lair by way of “for sale — evening appointments only” advertising. Men show up and get their necks (and nothing else) sucked apart. Subsequently, they’re robbed and their cars traded at a chop shop for rent.

Vampire Femmes

A sub-plot concerns a wife-beating cop who tracks down his wife ] where she’s being harbored (and seduced) by the unholy gossip posse. A confrontation leads to the most cheapest and ridiculous gore scenes ever committed to $1.99 Fuji™ VHS tape.

Thanks to inept camera-work, we get to see a vampire chick and a guy have sex — while she’s wearing her undies. She can’t even fake it good. I want the last four hours of my life back again. (I watched it twice.)

This Genie Is A Weenie

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Scream Queens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 17, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Wishmaster 3: Beyond The Gates of HellIf you rub the box hard enough, the Genie — or “Djinn” — pops out. (Hey, I’ve been rubbing for years and…never mind.) Wishmaster 3: Beyond The Gates of Hell (2001). second sequel to a movie that sucked genie weenie, this time involving (yawn) a college full of flawlessly pretty students looking like they belong on a tube of Clearasil™, going up against the fashioned-from-evil, squinty-eyed Djinn (yawn, the sequel). 

Wishmaster 3: Beyond the Gates of Hell

A supermodel-in-training chick releases the evil dude from his puzzle box condo. (Pinhead may want to have a word with the producers for totally copping his Lament Configuration.) She seems connected somehow, able to see through his eyes as he kills. Kinda like “Kill-o-Vision.” This makes her a “waker.” So the wish-granting monster needs the “waker” to make three wishes so he can open the Gates of Hell. And here all this time I thought you had to have a Costco™ card.

Wishmaster 3: Beyond the Gates of Hell

The Djinn isn’t even the same one from the first two movies. Heck, he only has about three minutes of on-screen time in his get-up before he morphs into a dashing young college professor with an out-dated goatee.

Wishmaster 3: Beyond the Gates of Hell

I’ve got some wishes: I wish they’d quit making these sequels. And I wish I’d quit being suckered by the box art.

Evil Meets Rock, Military Mistakes, Stealing From The Dead

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, TV Vixens, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 13, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Kiss Army Darkness

The rock band KISS meets Ash from the Evil Dead in a new graphic comic books series, in KISS/Army of Darkness. Talk about a match-up of pay-per-view worthiness. Here’s from the press release…

KISS is on top of the world and rocking faces until the night disciples of The Destroyer show up and the band disappears. With the tour canceled, a young Ash misses one of the most important events of his life that will change his destiny. Now the Chosen One has to get back on the right path and join the KISS ARMY OF DARKNESS. The raging guitar chords and pyrotechnic spectacle of the KISS stage shows could have come straight from the pages of the Necronomicon, and this epic battle between The Demon and Deadites will appeal to the hellions in all of us!”

Kiss Army Darkness

They had me at rocking faces. The press release further tells us the series is being written by Chad Bowers and Chris Sims, with Ruairi Coleman providing the illustration. At this time I’d like to order 100 copies of the first issue when it comes out in February of 2018. And would it kill KISS to autograph every single one of them, personally made out to ME?

Until KISS finds a box of laundry markers, here are a few just release/upcoming and possibly graphic horror/sci-fi movies to help me/you/us while away the days…

The Doll

THE DOLL (available now)
“When Chris and Andy order a model from an escort service, they find that something is unnaturally wrong with Natasha, something deadly wrong.”

The girlfriend-for-rent is played by Valeria Lukyanova, that real life chick who, with the help of chestral implants and contact lenses, looks like a human Barbie doll. She appears to be in mint condition. But once she’s been taken out of the box, the collector’s value drops by half.

The Rizen

THE RIZEN (JANUARY 2, 2018/VOD)
“The year is 1955. NATO and the Allied Forces have been conducting secret, occult experiments in a bid to win the Arms Race. They have finally succeeded, but what they have unleashed could tear our world apart. Now one woman must lead the only other two survivors past faceless horrors that threaten to kill or capture them at every turn. They are the only ones left who can fight to close a door that should never have been opened.”

Army experiments or paranormal zombies? Probably both, since the military has been known to dabble in Ouija boards and Magic 8-balls, which is what we used to win the war. Those things are badass.

The New Mutants

THE NEW MUTANTS (April 13, 2018)
“Five young mutants, just discovering their abilities while held in a secret facility against their will, fight to escape their past sins and save themselves.”

Is it me, or is everyone getting tired of X-Men type movies? Or maybe I’m just jealous that everybody’s a mutant except me. Probably both.

The Bone Box

THE BONE BOX (2018)
“Depressed and reeling from the recent death of his wife, Tom has built up quite a gambling debt. He goes to stay with his wealthy Aunt Florence in hopes that she will write him into her will. When a nasty creditor makes it clear that Tom is out of time, he devises a plan with Elodie, the undertaker’s daughter, to rob the graves of the rich townspeople buried in the cemetery across the road. After plundering the graves, Tom begins hearing and seeing strange things that seem to coincide with the deaths of the people he robbed. Even more disconcerting, he appears to be the only one sensing the occurrences. One question lingers: Is Tom’s conscience playing a trick on him — or is he really being haunted by those he stole from?”

Yeesh — you DO NOT want to steal from the dead. They can see what you do in the bathroom and then tell the other dead people. You DO NOT want the deceased laughing at you. First, it doesn’t sound like LOL-ing, but more of a “I’ll Kill Yoooouuu” freaky shriek. This is why comedians don’t let dead people into their shows.

The Death of Rock ‘n Roll

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Scream Queens, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , on December 3, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Rocktober Blood

Billy Eye (great name) is a rock star who loses his sanity marbles and kills everyone in the recording studio. No doubt aspirin abuse is at the bottom of this utter madness.

Rocktober BloodAt his trial, a chick singer from the band Rocktober Blood testifies against Billy. Nothing left to do but put the broiler on high. After his execution everyone thinks it’s OK to go back in the studio. Um, not so much. Someone is terrorizing the snitch b*tch and he looks a heckuva lot like Billy Eye. How could that be? Wasn’t he char-broiled?

Rocktober Blood

During a concert the “looks a lot like Billy Eye” guy stabs chick dancers with his microphone/sword and slices off the head of one of the rhythmically-inclined ladies and throws it into the audience. The paying crowd, understandably, thinks its part of the act. Regardless, a good value for your concert bucks.

Rocktober Blood

Time to dig up Billy’s grave to see if he’s actually buried in it. Guess what they find besides stained spandex?

Rocktober Blood

Rocktober Blood (1984), with the same crappy metal song played over and over, proves that there are some things worse than rock ’n roll.