Archive for the Scream Queens Category

Monster Metal, Naked Zombies, Supernatural Weather Report

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, paranormal, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, UFOs, Zombies with tags , , , , , on January 26, 2023 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Two things happen during a show by monster horror punk metal band Gwar. The bludgeoning music is so loud, your eardrums will turn into pudding. Secondly, you’re gonna get drenched in blood. And not just any blood, mind you — this is rock ‘n roll blood. You wouldn’t know it, but there is a difference.

Given Gwar’s long-established horror leanings (monstrous costumes and names like Pustulus Maximus), being re-purposed into a graphic novel is a logical extension of the band’s monstersphere. Described as being a harrowing epic of blood, bile and fire, Gwar: In The Duoverse of Absurdity is available now from Z2 Comics™ in a variety of editions, including a bare-bones soft-cover version all the way up to an “only-one-exists” special oversized Berserker hardback edition that costs…$5,999.99. (It’s signed by Gwar and is loaded with a metric ton of cool extras and bonuses. No word if it comes with blood stain remover.)  

The graphic novel’s premise: “Those hard-rocking Scumdogs of the Universe, GWAR, are back in an all-new graphic novel that’s so intense, it even makes them puke! In Gwar: In The Duoverse of Absurdity, fresh off the presses from Z2 Comics™, Blóthar, BälSäc, Beefcake, JiZMak da Gusha and Pustulus Maximus must face off against even more depraved, more evil and more disgusting versions of themselves from an alternate universe to save mankind.”

More evil and more disgusting versions of themselves. Sounds like they’ve been binge drinking at the Tug Tavern. So while you click here to order a copy (hurry — they’re almost sold out), here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not require you to wash your clothes after viewing ’em…

BABEZILLA VS. THE ZOMBIE WHORDE / Out now (VOD)

“It seemed like a normal day of booty shaking for Babezilla until the evil tweeker pimps scheme to hypnotize the women of the Internet into being their whores accidentally turned them into the ravenous Zimbie WHorde! Babezilla to the rescue!”

Babezilla booty shakes around in clothing no bigger than dental floss. Everything else is just “bone-us” material.

SIGNAL 100 / Out now (Screambox™)

“A group of high school students are forced into an assignment where they are hypnotized and will commit suicide on an unknown command.”

That’s one way to get high school students to do their homework.

ANIMALIA / Out now (VOD)

“Heavily pregnant Itto looks forward to a day of peace and quiet when she gets her affluent household mostly to herself after her husband, Amine, goes away on business. She’s quickly lost sight of her modest origins and has adapted to her new family’s detached opulence. But when a mysterious state of emergency is declared nationwide, Itto struggles to find help; meanwhile, increasingly ominous events and strange weather phenomena suggest a supernatural presence is nearing. While frantically searching for a way back to Amine, Itto unexpectedly finds emancipation and the possibility of solace in a new world order.”

Today’s weather report — cloudy with a chance of aliens.

WE HAVE A GHOST / February 24, 2023 (Netflix™)

“Finding a ghost named Ernest haunting their new home turns Kevin’s family into overnight social media sensations. But when Kevin and Ernest go rogue to investigate the mystery of Ernest’s past, they become a target of the CIA.”

A ghost named Ernest. If I was a ghost, I’d give myself a name like Phil Ur Pants or Rayth.

Gore-geous Plaything, Zombie Therapist, Evil Goats

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Misc. Horror, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, TV Vixens, Werewolves, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 11, 2023 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Elvira, the legendary Mistress of the Dark, is a living doll. Now, thank to Mattel™, she’s a plastic one, too. As part of Mattel’s™ Monster High collection, which includes The Shining, Stephen King’s IT, Beetlejuice, and Gremlins 2, the Elvira Skullector Doll releases on January 13, 2023 and sells for a mere $65.00. You should drop everything (unless you’re holding a glass bowl full of beer and/or cereal) and buy it here

From Mattel’s™ website: “The Mistress of the Dark wears a ghoulishly glam gown with a peekaboo slit and screamium details like spooky spider stilettos, her signature dagger, and Great-Aunt Morgana’s magic ruby ring. Additional highlights include her iconic pitch black, stylized hair, while her eyes mesmerize with delicate spider-webbing in her irises. Dramatic makeup, a beauty mark and black painted nails add drop-dead gore-geous detail to her killer look. Comes included with displayable packaging and a black Monster High™ doll stand.”

While we inquire as to whether the Elvira Skullector Doll comes in adult size — and possible inflatable — here are a few out now/up and coming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as exhilarating as Elvira’s trademark(s)…

THE ZOMPOCALYPSE THERAPY SESSIONS / Out now (VOD)

“An anxious therapist and her awkward clients wrestle to overcome personal issues and zombies.”

A better premise would be zombies who seek professional therapy for self-esteem issues, like why do people keep trying to shoot me in the head and/or running away screaming? Embarking on a journey of personal improvement with all that negativity in your un-life is a challenge no one should ever have to face. 

CANNIBAL CABIN Out now (VOD)

“A group of 20 somethings want to end the summer on a high, they take the advice from a girl they met at a festival about a secret rave deep in the valleys. When their route is detoured they have no choice but to venture into the unknown. Once they come across a derelict aqua park, they soon realize what they thought was their salvation turns out to be the heart of the Cannibal’s lair.”

The problem with consuming 20 somethings is that while they look appetizing, they taste bland. Kinda like eating the cheese-stained box a pizza comes in. 

KILL HER GOATS / January 13, 2023 (VOD)

Audra’s graduation gift is her dream house, but it soon becomes a living nightmare when some uninvited guests come to her homecoming party who aren’t very subtle about the fact they don’t approve of the home’s new owner.”

Audra got a dream house AND goats for a graduation gift? All I got was a one-way bus ticket to another state.

WALPURGIS NIGHT / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A wealthy couple, Imre and Justine, are visiting the deep forests of Romania and find themselves at the mercy of Waldemar Daninsky, a werewolf. Waldemar and Justine must travel to London to seek the help from Dr. Jekyll’s grandson.”

I wouldn’t trust any advice from Dr. Jekyll’s grandkid — I hear he’s as two-faced as his grandfather.

Vile Vision, Ghost Guests, Lethal Lobsters

Posted in Aliens, Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Bigfoot, Classic Horror, demons, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, paranormal, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Sharks, Slashers, TV Vixens, UFOs, Vampires, Werewolves, Witches, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 26, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

For horror movies fans there exists a plethora of viewing options, paid and free. If you don’t mind ad-supported horror movies (or just regular movies, which nobody cares about), Tubi™ and YouTube™ beats the competition by far with obscure, DYI, foreign and classic horror offerings. (P.S. Tubi™ is the king of horror/sci-fi with hundreds upon other hundreds of horror flicks you never knew existed.)

Shudder™ is the de facto go to for paid horror viewing, with a sharply curated catalogue and consistent new releases. With plans starting at $4.79 a month, you be a screaming dumbass (okay, maybe not screaming) to not subscribe. Another bountiful horror/sci-fi option, though, is Wicked Horror TV™, a premium streaming service specializing in quality horror films. (Note: ALL horror movies are quality. Except maybe three.) 

Wicked Horror TV™ puts the gore in categorize — horror movies are sorted by decades (1920s to whatever decade we’re in now), countries (Asia, Australia, Europe, South America and whatever country we’re in now), and sub-genres (ghosts, giallo, gothic, paranormal, possession, B-movies, satanic, supernatural, occult, witches, etc.) There’s plenty of ad-supported free horror, but the premium plan taps you for $5.99 a month, though you save thriftily with their billed annually plan of $49.99. Wicked Horror TV™ can be watched (or “viewed”) on things like Fire TV™, Roku™, Apple TV™, Android TV™, Google Play™, and iOS™ mobile devices.

While you close out your horror-bereft Netflix™ account and sign up for Wicked Horror TV™ (click this), here are a few out now/upcoming horror and sci-fi movies/tv series that may or may not be worth paying for — or watching for free…

DEADLY DEALINGS / Out now (YouTube™/VOD)

“A young woman struggles with losing her brother. Her roommate turns her on to a spirit board, and that night she has a dream that she can trade her dream for her brother’s life. The next day when she awakens she learns that it was more than just a dream and she bit off more than she expected.”

Yawn. Sounds more like a spirit bored than a spirit board.

THE GHOSTS OF MONDAY / January 23, 2023 (VOD/DVD)

“A television director becomes embroiled in a supernatural conspiracy after traveling to Cyprus to make a TV pilot about a haunted hotel.”

Cyprus is an island country located south of the Anatolian Peninsula in the eastern Mediterranean Sea. Seems like a long way to go to document hotel haunters. Try the “ghosts only” Overlook Hotel in the nearby country of Colorado.

THE SWARM / Release pending 2023 (Streaming TV subscription)

“A global environmental thriller, The Swarm is set in a present day where anomalies and unnatural behavior in marine animals are causing upheaval all over the world. Millions of strange worms suddenly appear on the bottom of the North Sea, drilling their way through frozen methane, threatening to destabilize the entire continental shelf. Swarms of mussels stop large vessels from maneuvering. Toxic jellyfish, lobsters and whales start attacking human beings along the coasts of the world. It follows a global group of scientists and military who come together to tackle one of the biggest challenges mankind has ever faced. They make the chilling discovery that we are not the only intelligent species on this planet — and that deep down at the bottom of the sea resides a collective intelligence which has suffered the ravages of civilization on its habitat and decided to fight back.”

Strange worms, toxic jellyfish, swarms of mussels…sounds like the Seafarer’s Feast™ at Red Lobster™.

NEW FEAR’S EVE / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“As the coming year approaches, three friends reluctantly prepare for Hooper Industries’ annual New Year’s Eve bash. The clock ticks down and the body count rises as a psychotic murderer known as The Doctor is on the loose. This sadistic surgeon of death leaves Owensboro covered in blood as local police and FBI are forced to navigate through a maze of bodies left in his wake.”

I liked this better when it was called New Year’s Evil (1980).

Gruesome Gingerbread, Bowling Gremlins, Army of Monsters

Posted in Classic Horror, demons, Evil, Fantasy, Giant Monsters, Misc. Horror, paranormal, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Slashers, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , on November 30, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Hereditary (2018) was not only a deliciously shocking and f’d up acclaimed horror movie, it’s also edible. And by edible, I mean, you can eat it — now that its inspired a gingerbread house modeled after the movie’s famous final scene in a treehouse. You know the one — where (SPOILER — RUN AWAY!) Charlie is possessed and his mom’s headless corpse is in the treehouse with him, as is his sister’s (SPOILER ALERT — KEEP RUNNING!) head, which is also a nice addition to the tasteful treehouse decor. 

Here’s the yummy details: “A24 is selling the Hereditary Gingerbread Treehouse Kit, which includes a cast iron mold plate, along with a plastic treehouse base, recipe card, instruction booklet, and a tealight to illuminate your treehouse at night. Made from food-safe plastic, the base includes a forest-floor textured base plate, four ‘birch’ legs, a platform, and a ladder.” The price? A head-chopping $62.00.

The Hereditary Gingerbread Treehouse Kit ships December 16, 2022. That’s this year in case it slipped your…HEAD. So while you rush to order it (click this), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as tasty as killer gingerbread

SORORITY BABES IN THE SLIMEBALL BOWL-O-RAMA 2 / December 2, 2022 (Full Moon Features Streaming)

“The babes are back! And so is everyone’s favorite wish-grantin’, murder-lovin’ mischievous gremlin, the Imp. The Pi Epsilon Delta sorority house has seen better days, but the girls are intent on gaining some new recruits. With housemother Auntie Snake as their guide, the naughty hijinks and hilarity begin. Meanwhile, though, the Bowl-O-Rama bowling alley has had a break-in, and a breakout. With the escape of the magical and murderous Imp, it’s a fight for survival, with only one mysterious girl holding the answers to the riddle of the Imp’s wish.”

The original Sorority Babes In The Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama came out in 1988 and showed women’s panties and chestular areas. Didn’t need the lingerie section of the Sears™ catalogue after that.

THE DEATH OF APRIL / December 9, 2022 (VOD)

“Meagan Mullen, freshly moved into her East Coast home, keeps in touch with her friends and family through a video blog. As her entries — and her life — become more complex and emotional, strange things begin to happen in her apartment and the camera captures all of it.”

Here’s an example of one of her video blogs: “Rewatched The Handmaid’s Tale…washed hair again…drank wine and shopped on Amazon.com…found yet another ghost caught in the dryer’s lint trap…”

HOW TO KILL MONSTERS / release pending 2023 (VOD)

Jamie Lancaster is the sole survivor of a blood-drenched massacre at a remote cabin in the woods. Claiming her friends were torn apart and eaten by a horrific monster, she’s arrested by the local cops and locked up for a crime she didn’t commit. Jamie’s claims of innocence are all too real when the entire police station is ripped from our reality and thrown into a nightmarish dimension of Lovecraftian creatures hungry for human flesh. Jamie must team up with a bunch of rookie cops and lawbreakers to hack and slash their way through an army of monsters and find a way to get back home before it is too late.”

Sounds like the cousin to 2011’s Cabin In The Woods. That one had every monster ever created in it, with a really big one at the end. I shan’t spoil it for you…EVEN THOUGH I WANT TO.

BAD ACID / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“An accidental bad trip goes heinously awry into the land of neon and spandex. A very Heathers-esque accidental ingestion turns the neon assault of a teen girl’s bedroom into a fluorescent (well-toned) hellscape.”

Don’t do drugs or you’ll end up in jail wearing neon-colored spandex, much to the delight of lifer inmates.

Monster Face, Skin Snacks, Braless Bloodshed

Posted in Classic Horror, demons, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Misc. Horror, paranormal, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Slashers, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 18, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Have you ever wanted to look like Godzilla but found that plastic surgery and/or being exposed to radiation is just to darn too costly? Super7™ has your back (and face) with their slick, fully-licensed Godzilla mask, priced at an easily-borrowed $20. Having a Godzilla mug not enough? Super7™ also has Hedorah and Mechagodzilla masks as well. Get all three for $60 to switch up your game — then go out on the town and knock a few buildings over.

From their website: “Be the King of the Monsters, the Smog Monster Hedorah, or the mechanical wonder Mechagodzilla for Halloween or every day of the year with the officially licensed Super7 x Toho retro masks! Made of high quality plastic with an elastic headband and with retro packaging.”

While you look for a shirt and trousers to go with your new and improved features, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be improved with radiation… 

CHUYEN MA GAN NHÀ (Vietnamese Horror Story) / Out now (Screambox™)

“This horror anthology film presents three tales inspired by the country’s urban legends and folklore: an actress seeking everlasting beauty; a magician who makes a deal with evil; and a psychic seeking the remains of a deceased girl.”

This Vietnamese movie came out earlier this year and was a huge hit. It’s now available in the States. Wish I knew it was gonna be released here before I flew all the way to Southeast Asia to catch the matinee. (I loaded up on Cu-do Candy, Bim Bim and some Mut at the snack bar — only cost me 37,1625 dong.) 

THE SAWYER MASSACRE / Out now (YouTube™)

“On June 30th, 1965, Jimmy’s friends bring him to the Texas countryside to escape city life after a terrible tragedy. In need of supplies for their cabin, they ascend to a nearby gas station where they are directed to find their supplies at an isolated farmhouse but this property is not as it seems. They soon find themselves hunted by a human flesh-eating psychopath with an arsenal of violent tools at his disposal. If any live through the nightmare, they’ll wish they hadn’t.”

This Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974) prequel answers the question of how much flesh can a flesh-eating psychopath eat. Irregardless of the saturated fat, probably a lot. And hey, you could make deli-sawed butt sandwiches out of the leftovers.

THE BOOGEYMAN /January 2023 (Hulu™)

“A sixteen-year-old and her younger sister, still reeling from the death of their mother, are targeted by a supernatural boogeyman after their father, a psychologist, has an encounter with a desperate patient in their house.”

This movie is based on the 1973 Stephen King short story, which later showed up in his best-selling Night Shift collection in 1978. Didn’t read it — I never learned to read until 1981. Late bloomer.

MURDERCISE / Release pending June 2023 (VOD)

“Phoebe is an obsessed fitness nerd who gets her big break on a sleazy workout video. After being ridiculed by her co-stars, Phoebe befriends a mafia princess wild child, who teaches her how to murder her way to the top.”

Warning — this movie features exercising girls not wearing bras. Be careful not to hurt yourself watching it.

Gas Station Horror, Amoral Aliens, Slasher Sex

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Misc. Horror, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Sharks, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , on November 16, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The problem is you’ve watched all the new horror movie crap and are left holding the colostomy bag. But what if you could access horror’s dark underbelly? Specifically, obscure horror titles released on VHS (super-sized cassettes) that you’d only find on off-brand gas station video shelves? The Terror Vision Video Club is now here to complete you with deliciously lurid Z-grade horror that were once thought lost to the sands of time/discount bins.

A subscription model, TTVVC is brightening our TV screens with such bottom of the bowl jewels as WNUF Halloween Special, Norway, Killing Spree, Love & Saucers, Video Violence 1&2, and Blood, Guts, Sunshine and Santa Claws. But such treasures don’t come cheap. You’ll have to cough up $225 though, to be granted keys to the kingdom. And heck, you can join at any time (click here) and receive the next 10 Terror Vision home video titles as they are released.

But wait, there’s more: You’ll pay a discounted amount instead of the regular retail price for the Blu-rays/UHDs. You’ll be guaranteed a slipcover of each release. You’ll receive a Terror Vision Video Club t-shirt. You will get a login to the Terror Vision Club wholesale page where you can buy other TV products for cheap, such as merch, cassettes, vinyl records, and other goodies. And with the wholesale page login perk, you will NOT pay for shipping domestically. It doesn’t get sweeter than this.

So while we’re waiting for TTVVC to anoint our unworthy eyeballs with Attack of the Killer Refrigerator and Happy Hell Night, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be worthy of a gas station discount bin…

FLAMING EARS / November 18, 2022 (Theaters/VOD)

Flaming Ears is a pop sci-fi lesbian extravaganza set in the year 2700 in the fictional burned-out city of Asche that follows the tangled lives of three women. Spy is a comic book artist whose printing presses are burned down by Volley, a sexed-up pyromaniac. Seeking revenge, Spy goes to the lesbian club where Volley performs every night. Before she can enter, Spy gets into a fight and is left wounded in the streets. She is found by Nun, an amoral alien in a red plastic suit with a predilection for reptiles, who also happens to be Volley’s lover.” 

Almost sounds like a set up for an epic joke: “A comic book artist, a sexed-up pyromaniac and an amoral alien walk into a lesbian club…” You can take it from here. (Keep it nice.)

CANDY LAND / January 6, 2023 (Theaters/VOD)

“A naive and devout young woman finds herself cast from a religious cult. With no place to turn, she immerses herself in the underground world of truck stop sex workers, aka, “lot lizards.”

Despite the unashamed baring of boobies, this one is described as being more of a traditional horror slasher movie than something you’d pay hard-earned quarters to watch on coin-operated viewing machines in pornography establishments.

THE MEG 2: THE TRENCH Release pending 2023 (Theaters)

No official plot yet, but here’s a swing at it: A Megalodon (xxxxlg shark), ascending from the sewer depths of the Mariana Trench, goes topside and makes Happy Meals™ out of human floaties. That sounds about right. 

AQUAMAN AND THE LOST KINGDOM / December 25, 2023 (Theaters)

Aquaman forges an uneasy alliance with an unlikely ally to save Atlantis and the rest of the planet.”

A teaser plot, though it’s possible there’s more to it than just saving Atlantis (who cares?) and the rest of the planet (no one cares). Suffice to say, after Aquaman (2018), there’s likely to be even more tuna, more Free Willys and (wait for it)…more murder clams! If that’s the case, I hereby pledge all my sand dollars to see it. 

Goth Girls, Flaming Pumpkins, Superpowered Nuns

Posted in Classic Horror, demons, Evil, Fantasy, Ghosts, paranormal, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, TV Vixens, Witches with tags , , , , , , on October 15, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Wednesday Addams, the youngest of the Addams Family (America’s first family of fright) is the newest star of her own TV series via Netflix™ on November 23, 2022. Sure, Lurch, the butler with the eye-rolling “I just smelled someone else’s fart” expression, or even the light bulb-sucking Uncle Fester are easily worthy of their own showcase. (Not Pugsley or Grandmama, though.) But it’s Wednesday, who puts the “dead” in “deadpanning,” who could very well make YA Goth a thing again. Hot Topic™ is counting on it.

Here’s the light bulb illuminated plot: “A coming-of-age supernatural mystery comedy focusing on Wednesday Addams and her years as a high school student at Nevermore Academy, where she attempts to master her psychic powers, stop a monstrous killing spree of the town citizens, and solve the supernatural mystery that affected her family 25 years ago — all while navigating her new relationships.”

Wednesday Addams has been portrayed by 10 gloomy gals over the decades, starting with Lisa Loring in 1964 and going all the way up through now, with Jenna Ortega rockin’ those iconic pigtails and whose resume includes Iron Man 3 (2013), Insidious: Chapter 2 (2013), The Babysitter: Killer Queen (2020), Scream (2021), Studio 666 (2021), and X (2022). Serious street cred.

While we wait until Wednesday, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/TV shows that may or may not be as fun as sucking on a light bulb… 

HEADLESS HORSEMAN / OCTOBER 14, 2022 (VOD)

“Seconds from death, a nearly decapitated and desperate man makes a deal with the Devil to protect the love of his life and seek revenge on the drug dealer who almost murdered him.”

I get Headless Horseman has been around a lot longer than Ghost Rider. But that’s a dick move to steal GH’s shtick by riding a flaming motorcycle and making your pumpkin head flame on like a Presto Log™ dipped in BBQ accelerant. Hey HH — how would like it if Ghost Rider rode a fiery horse up and down building walls and/or rodeos? 

WARRIOR NUN SEASON 2 / November 10, 2022 (Netflix™)

“After waking up in a morgue, an orphaned teen discovers she now possesses superpowers as the chosen Halo Bearer for a secret sect of demon-hunting nuns. At the end of Warrior Nun’s first season, the Order of the Cruciform Sword was faced with their toughest battle yet: the fallen angel Adriel was released from his tomb, helped unknowingly by Ava and the Sister-Warriors.”

Every time I wake up in a morgue, I smell like a cocktail of formaldehyde and pee and looking for pants. Wouldn’t need britches, though, if I woke up in a morgue with superpowers. Then demons would totally fear me instead of laughing and pointing. Stupid demons.

1899 / November 17, 2022 (Netflix™)

“In this German epic period mystery-horror series, multinational immigrants traveling from the old continent encounter a nightmarish riddle aboard a second ship adrift on the open sea.”

This echoes the story of the spooky Mary Celeste, an American-registered merchant brigantine discovered adrift and deserted in the Atlantic Ocean on December 4, 1872. (Not gonna lie to you; I totally copied that off the Internet. I just wanted to feel like a big shot know-it-all and get one in the win-column for a change.)

SUMMONERS / Pending release 2022/2023

“Jessica Whitman isn’t a witch. Not anymore, at least. She left it behind when she left her hometown almost 10 years ago. But when a childhood friend needs her help performing a dark spell, she’ll find herself questioning her sense of right and wrong, and grappling with her late mother’s secrets.”

Why would Jessica want to quit being a witch? Witches can fly and do cool stuff like get Frisbees™ down from roofs. They can make surprisingly savory stew in their cauldron (aka, Le Creuset™ Cast Iron 8 qt. Oval Dutch Oven). And witches can make the lights go on and off, just by clapping. Freakin’ eerie! I think Jessica should rethink rejecting her godless ways because those Frisbees™ on the roof aren’t gonna get themselves down.

Vampire Shirts, Florida Bigfoot, Giant Chicks

Posted in Bigfoot, Classic Horror, demons, Evil, Fantasy, Misc. Horror, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , on September 29, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Interview With The Vampire, based on the 1976 horror Goth literary bible by author Anne Rice, premiered November 1994. It had handsome, albeit emotionally turbulent vampires, frilly shirts, deep throating, and — get this — even MORE frilly shirts, MORE vampires and MORE deep throating. It’s like a frilly shirt with extra frills.

Now AMC has rebooted the immortal story into a series and its already been renewed for a second season — ahead of the first season’s debut on October 2, 2022. Unlike vampires, this doesn’t suck and means we’re likely in for one heck of a fang bang.

The original movie’s plot: “A vampire tells his epic life story of love, betrayal, loneliness, and hunger.” 

Boo-hoo. Why do Emo vampires always feel sorry for themselves? How about some cheese to go with that whine? Heck, vampires get to live forever, barring confrontations with churchifixes, medium-rare stakes and bothersome Vitamin D-enriched daylight. They can shape-shift (handy when your first choice restroom is occupied and your bladder is about to go Defcon #1), party all night and sleep all day, and never have to go to the dentist (vampires prefer overbites to braces).

While we’re trying to picture a vampire with Invisline™, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not have frilly shirts in ’em…

THE WILD MAN / September 30, 2022 (Digital)

“Young women have been going missing in Ochopee, FL without a single suspect in custody. Sara, a young journalist, convinces her crew to join her investigation as she travels to Ochopee to document her discoveries, but they soon realize their presence in town is not welcome. What they discover is a secret deeper than fairy tales and legends — it’s much darker and more sinister than bargained for.”

What could be darker and more sinister than naming your town ‘Ochopee’? Geez, how do you even pronounce it? I think I got the “pee” part right, though. I usually do.

MYSTERY SPOT / October 7, 2022 (Digital/VOD)

“A number of lost souls find refuge in a small motel in the middle of nowhere, its only distinguishing characteristic being the ruins of an old Mystery Spot — a long-dead roadside attraction with strange metaphysical powers. Everyone at the Mystery Spot will be affected by its unique properties, but only some will survive its reality-shattering implications.”

I should like to visit this Mystery Spot so as to be imbued with unique properties. The ones I currently have aren’t pulling their weight. Indestructible liver, my ass.

SPIRIT HALLOWEEN: THE MOVIE / October 11, 2022 (VOD)

“When a Spirit Halloween™ store opens in a deserted strip mall, three middle school friends who think they’ve outgrown trick or treating make a dare to spend the night locked inside the store Halloween night. But they soon find out that the store is haunted by an angry evil spirit who has possessed the creepy animatronic characters. The kids will need to embark on a thrilling and spooky adventure in order to survive the night and avoid becoming possessed themselves.”

So a Halloween movie about the real-life Halloween pop-up superstore with socially-arrogant kids locked in it. You might wanna ask permission from Chopping Mall (1986) if it’d be okay to steal their plot.

GIANTESS BATTLE ATTACK / October 2022 (Full Moon Features Channel/Amazon Prime Video)

“Beverly Wood is one of the biggest stars on social media. Millions of fans subscribe to her sexy cam shows and buy her products and it seems like everyone loves her. Everyone that is except her husband and Fuschia, the young upstart who secretly plots to bring Beverly down and take over her online empire forever!”

“But when Beverly’s latest — and untested — brand ‘Unholy Meat-rimony’ gives her some gargantuan side effects, she becomes an even BIGGER force to be reckoned with! Ballooning to beastly proportions, the now 50 foot tall influencer becomes super large, totally in charge and ready for revenge in this wacky comedy that’s positively bursting at the seams!”

Never understood why women who grow into giants (i.e., Attack of the 50-foot Woman/1958) have their clothes grow as well. It’s just not fair, dang it.

A Decade of Drinkin’

Posted in Aliens, Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Bigfoot, Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Sharks, Slashers, TV Vixens, UFOs, Vampires, Werewolves, Witches, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 9, 2019 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Gamera

Wednesday, June 9, 2010, 5:44 pm.

10 years ago to this day I started Drinkin’ & Drive-in, and began a decade long crawl through the gold-filled mud and muck of horror and sci-fi movies that’ve been my obsession since the Dawn of Mankind. And I say that without hyperbole. More or less.

Kaiju

The first blog written/posted was about one of my all-time fav monsters: Gamera, a Godzilla-sized turtle that could shoot flames out of his mouth AND ass. (I can do one or the other, but not both.) Outside of that, I really didn’t have a vision or goal with this blog, other than to blather on about horror movie stuff filled with mouth-twisting typos, 3rd grade grammatical errors and taking extreme liberties with the English language. (I tried Spanish but only managed to learn one word: “cerveza.” I picked the one word that has served me well.)

Gamera

I’ve really enjoyed e-barfing in public. It’s almost as fun as farting in church. On that note, I’d like to thank long-time readers of Drinkin’ & Drive-in and some awesomely funny comments you’ve left me. (“May the devil guide my poop…” — that still cracks me up, Jon from NC.)

Gamera

10 years is/was a good run. But now it’s time to say adiós amoebas. I’m off to pursue other life goals, like chasing parked cars, sponge diving in community swimming pools and collecting air. Future hobbies that will never generate any income includes putting out three e-books (already written), possibly another issue ManSplat magazine (been doing that longer than this blog, despite a 10 year absence), learning how to play the kazoo (man, those things are hard to tune), and generally doing loud stuff.

Dino Uber

So now I leave you with a final post — feel free to finish this sentence…

“The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar…”

Thank You

Going Ape Over Kong, Girls With Crabs, Tattooed Ghosts

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 21, 2019 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Kong: Skull Island

Mezcotoyz.com is globally known for making incredibly cool action figures, using characters from Halloween, The Evil Dead and The Exorcist, to Friday The 13th, Dawn of the Dead, It and mucho more. Their latest masterpiece is an 18” tall Kong from Skull Island with, get this — THREE interchangeable heads. This covers a wide range of mood swings.

Kong: Skull Island

Pre-orderable now, the ridiculously neato Kong figure ships between November 2019 – January 2020. While the $250.00 asking price is a bit steep, think of how cool Kong would look standing atop a festive fruit arrangement on your dining room table.

Kong: Skull Island

Before I head out to buy a dining room table, here are a few now available/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as visually pleasing as a festive fruit arrangement…

Crabgirl

CRABGIRL (available now/Amazon Prime™)
“A young virgin guy does not manage to have sex with his beloved long-term girlfriend on his 23rd birthday. By putting an ultimatum on their relationship, he acknowledges the incredible truth beyond her rejection.”

Not really a movies (though it should be), this 19-minute film short came out in the Ukraine 2018. Unless the Internet is lying to me. You’d think this is a cautionary tale and a metaphor for STDs, but the crabgirl has an actual beach crab living in her love grotto. Apparently, since she was a kid. Her boyfriend thinks she’s just making excuses to not have sex with him. What follows next is amusingly predictable. But stick around for the twist ending. It will make you LOL.

Johnny Ghost

JOHNNY GHOST (available now)
Millicent, a professional musician and lecturer, decides to remove her tattoo, only to begin experiencing ghosts from her past.”

Pffft — I’ve removed lots of tattoos and have yet to see one ghost. I don’t care if they are rub-on tats; they still count.

Freaks

FREAKS (August 23, 2019)
“A disturbed father locks his 7-year-old daughter in a house, warning her of grave dangers outside. But the mysterious Mr. Snowcone convinces the girl to escape and join him on a profound quest for family, freedom, and revenge.”

If some guy named Mr. Snowcone asked me to go come along, I would follow him to the ends of the Earth.

Reborn

REBORN (2019)
“A stillborn baby girl is abducted by a morgue attendant and brought back to life by electrokinetic power. On her sixteenth birthday, she escapes captivity and sets out to find her birth mother, leaving a trail of destruction behind her.”

Um, would her name happen to be Carrie, by any chance?