Alien Sex Fiend

Who says chick aliens can’t be blonde supermodels with lacy bras and out-of-this-world panties? Grown under strict lab conditions like the sea monkeys we paid $2.99 for from a comic book ad (but never received), Sil is an alien life-form about to be gassed in her glass-y test tube apartment.

She doesn’t like gas and manages to break out and run away where three things grow at an accelerated rate: her left boob, her right boob and her need to breed. I would like to meet this alien life-form for, um, scientific purposes, because I’m casually interested in space stuff.

Sil easily attracts men to have sex with her because she’s so hot and because she’s naked, the two basic components of life itself. The scientists, though, need to track her down before she morphs into Miss Mars Attacks and kills everyone.

Fortunately for ME, Sil mates a couple of times and manages to evade those that hunt her down, eventually transforming into her true self. And what a cool true self alien she is, what with her internal organs easily viewable through her transparent cartilage that is her outer skin stuff.

Sil’s rampant horniness makes sense when she finally gives birth to a freakish lunar rug rat. All of this is pretty neat, but the part where Sil walks around without earth clothes emphasizes quantum physics as it applies to the ever-expanding universe. In order for a science fiction movie like Species (1995) to be believable, you kinda gotta have that.

S&M Horror

Kurt Menliff, a sadistic 19th Century aristocrat, returns home to his dying father’s seaside castle that boasts no central heating. Nobody likes this douche because he’s mean, cruel and anti-social. (I, however, like him for those very same reasons.)

Kurt soon encounters the very smolderingly hot Dahlia and tries to go for the power smooch, but that ain’t turning her crank. So then he horsewhips her (which does turn her crank) and then has sex with her while the camera points at a horse.

Later that night Kurt is perforated with a fireplace poker. Now what will they the fire with? They entomb his poker’d body in the family mausoleum downstairs. All is well for a minute – until Dahlia wakes to discover Kurt has come back for her. Kurt: “I have come back for you.” She says she hates him, he whips her and now she’s in utter ecstasy. But how can Kurt return from the grave? Who cares as this guy is tapping into Dahlia’s inner freak.

The Whip and the Body (1963) was praised for its rich colors (the blood looks double bloody) and the subject matter groundbreakingly shocking for its day. But 50 plus years later horsewhipping is so common as to be featured daily on the Nickelodeon Channel™, so its impact has been diluted to the point of “Yeah, so what else you got?”

Pregnant Werewolf

Tough being 16 and pregnant and forced to give up your kid to someone who could provide a better life (i.e., Xbox™) for your kid. Even tougher to find an abandoned baby in the ruins of a castle in the middle of the Scottish Highlands rented out by a werewolf.

Fortunately, for the baby anyway, there’s someone within the group of teens out hiking who is carrying around a packaged meal under her blouse. Not so fortunate for the rest of the group (three guys, one girl), who become unhappy meals for the werewolf.

While managing to kill the burly beast (it looks like a cross between a fake bear and Alf), they think they’re in the clear. But that’s the problem with today’s teens – they just can’t wrap their heads around basic math, meaning that where there’s one werewolf, there’s probably two.

Running across the moors with a lycanthrope on your heels while carrying a crying alarm horn is the last chance for all involved. The girl makes her way to a farm house where the werewolf tracks her down. It was all pretty good up until this point: acceptable levels of gore versus screaming, blood versus attacking. But the last two final scenes were so comical as to water down all of the above. As if you couldn’t figure out who the baby belonged to.

But if there’s one thing to take away from this heavily-accented Wild Country (2005) – so much so as to need sub-titles – it’s that you probably shouldn’t breastfeed the animals. I know I won’t from this point moving forward.

People Pot Pies

A small, turn-of-the-Century Japanese village is populated by cannibals. They trap wayward travelers, tie them to tables, then cut them in half with saws made for logging. The bloody-yet-delicious pieces are then divided up between the two clans that comprise the non-vegetarian town.

The Chief of Security, though, always hogs most of the savory chunks for him and his staff, as well as his hot skank who has a taste for human hearts. There’s a joke in there somewhere. Anyone caught trying to leave the village to notify the police becomes soup du jour. And the meat-hungry villagers clamor for more.

Hearing tales about this “human buffet,” Agent 999 travels there to add his own recipe to their menu: a knuckle sandwich. This is good because 999’s a kung-fu master and applies his lightning-quick pie hole kicks to quite a few pie holes.

That’s pretty much it – a human chop shop with LOTS of grisly gore and LOTS of slick martial arts. This may sound like an oxymoron, but We’re Going To Eat You (1980) is also fun. But with cannibals AND kung-fu, you already knew that.

Big Ass Lava Spiders

Lavalantula (2014), a new sci-fi SyFy™Channel offering about giant tarantulas erupting from of volcanoes, could very well land in the Seven Wonders of the World™ ranking, right up there with Beer, Boobies, Waffles and Godzilla. (I forget the other two, but you can totally bet they are true wonders.)

Directed by Mike Mendez, the guy who did Big Ass Spider (2013), Lavalantula, looking to do a Sharknado (2013) cash in, has a tried ‘n true plot: “Lavalantulas attack Los Angeles.” F-ing brilliant!

While we’re waiting, check out another buzz word titled horror movie, The Paranormal Diaries: Clophill (2014). While I thought we all agreed to quit using “paranormal” in their titles, PDC begins in 1963 (pre-hippie period) with a black mass (church service with a really big collection plate) in Clophill, Bedfordshire by a coven of dark witches. Animal sacrifices, blood, necromancy, waffle mutilation… Scary stuff, for sure.

A documentary film team (indicating this is another one of those wretched found footage flicks) is assembled to investigate the legend of the Clophill witches and to try and uncover the truth behind the paranormal events. “What followed during that long weekend at Clophill was a terrifying journey into the unknown.”

Problem with movies like this is the “journey into the unknown” is already known as it’s been done over and over every since that highly insulting Blair Witch Project, which started the annoying “found footage” sub-genre back in 1999. Then again, horror movies aren’t usually known for originality.

Me? I’m sticking with lava spiders, beer and boobies. And waffles when no boobies are available.

A Mountain of Witches

A professional photographer with ’70s disco hair on assignment to take pics of a reputed haunted hill, picks up a chick and convinces her to go with him. (I’ll have to remember the closing points of that pitch.)

Staying the night at a castle on the mountain’s foothills (separate rooms – for now), camera dude explores the hillside and encounters a coven of witches that twirl, dance around and sing a classical song with full orchestration. That must be where their powers kicked in as I didn’t see any clarinets or bassoons. Heard ’em, though.

He decides its time to get the hell off the hill because dancing witch chicks in sheets goons him out. But fog rolls in and traps the couple on a roadside where Mr. Picture has just set up a tent and is getting ready to pitch a tent, if you catch my clever meaning. That’s when the witch coven captures them. Too bad – if they had just waited another 10 minutes The Witches Mountain (1972) would’ve gotten a whole lot better.

 That’s all there is. No flying around on brooms (although the photog’s overtly bushy mustache could count as one), no magical powers, no nudity. I used to think witches were cool. Not so much anymore.

Photocopied Horror

It’s hardly a revelation the horror genre notoriously feeds on itself with scores of movie studios lining up at the office copy machine pumping out generic plots merely needing a change of title. One only needs to look as far as the SyFy™ Channel for weekly examples of this profit-motivated plagiarism.

And mimicking movie ad materials is also a common practice. It’s almost as if the industry holds weekly keggars to compare notes to make sure everyone is ripping off each other correctly.

Is this a deal breaker for horror movie fans? Nah. But it is smug fun to rub their faces in piles of steaming hypocrisy. That said,  several examples of advertising “monkey see, monkey doo doo.” (Feel free to suggest more)…

Devil’s Due (2014) / Devil’s Sky (2014)

The Possession (2012) / Dark Skies (2013)

The Last Exorcism 2 (2013) / The Bell Witch Haunting (2013) – with poster turned upside down to illustrate grave robbing.

Dead Silence (2007) / Annabelle (2014)

The Haunting of Helena (2012) / Dark Touch (2013)

State of Emergency (2011) / Juan of the Dead (2011)

Mutant Bunnies and Killer Cargo

Need more schlock in your diet? I know I do, for some reason. This is why I’m moderately enthused over two new schlock horror coming down the super fun happy slide. First up is the deliciously titled Beaster Day: Here Comes Peter Cotton Hell, hopefully due just in time for that confusing and weird holiday known as Easter.

The plot – as if one is even needed: “Deep in the woods stalks a giant killer mutant Easter Bunny. Unsatisfied with nibbling on grass, he craves, chews lives on human flesh. Rock climbers, hitchhikers, and nudists alike all end up in his jaws as he devours everyone in his way. One by one the townsfolk are consumed by the evil hare, but he still remains a mystery to most of the habitants.”

Brilliance, thy name is Peter Cotton Hell.

Next up is Monster Truck (aka, Dark Haul) a SyFy™ Channel “original,” premiering October 4, 2014. Wanna own it on DVD/Blu-ray? Available first quarter of 2015, released by Shout! Factory™.

What’s generically being said about this one: “The meaning of cryptic prophesy splits apart a team of secretive guardians as they transport by 18-wheeler truck, a deadly creature and its half-human sister from their now ineffective holding place to a more secure location.”

My curiosity is sufficiently piqued, but I’m leaning more towards a flesh-eating Easter Bunny. The plot seems to have more to chew on. Heh.

Get Probed

 

With a title that puts it on the exam table, Extraterrestrial, a movie about alien encounters/abductions/colonoscopies, is due for release on October 17, 2014/VOD and theatres in November.

I watched the trailer. The movie’s Twitter hashtag – #GetProbed – is pretty much right on the mark…for two reasons.

Here’s how the characters’ personal space gets compromised: “April, is still reeling from her parents’ divorce when she’s dragged back to the vacation cabin she spent fond summers at as a child accompanied by a group of friends. Her trip down memory lane takes a dramatic and terrifying turn when a fireball descends from the sky and explodes in the nearby woods.”

“The group ventures out toward the crash site and discovers the remnants of a ship from another planet along with footprints that suggest its alien occupants are still alive. The college friends soon find themselves caught in the middle of something bigger and more terrifying than anything they could ever imagine.”

I can imagine something bigger and more terrifying. Ever been “examined” by Dr. “Big Finger” Lindermund?

REGARDLESS, I will seek this one out at my nearest TV. In the meantime, try your best not to confuse Extraterrestrial with the other Extraterrestrial, a 2011 film by Nacho Vigalondo. (I don’t know who was responsible for it, but Nacho is one seriously cool name.)

In that movie, Dr. “Big Finger” Lindermund, descended from a race of giant hand people, arrives late for his Earth appointment, dispenses with the pleasantries AND lube, and proceeds to wreak excruciating havoc BELOW THE SURFACE. Then he sends you the bill. (Just kidding Nacho, I’m sure your movie is a lot less, um, “invasive.”)

Vampire vs. RoboCop

 

Also known as The Vampire Lives (1989), Counter Destroyer (ugh – sounds like something I’d come up with while under the leadership of cold hard booze) is about Joyce, a young gal needing peace and quite to finish a movie script. So she and her micro-bikini wearing, she-male voiced secretary move into a secluded, yet haunted Japanese home.

A Taoist priest warned them not to move in as the place was already occupied by an evil vampire who jumps around, wearing Freddy Krueger knife gloves. (You don’t want to second guess Taoist priests – they know things. Spooky things.)

After drinking a possessed soft drink, Joyce unleashes Hell. And by Hell, I mean for anyone watching this stunning piece of vampire droppings, as the plot suddenly shifts to the movie company’s secretary assassinating a rival film studio trying to make the same movie.

When a blow-dried American boy shows up to check on Joyce and finds her arm is possessed by a vampire, he rotates counter-clockwise a few times and turns into a ninja warrior with a rifle. Think Robocop (1987) with a mullet. If you’re anything like me, you’ll get lost right after the opening credits roll.

In closing, Counter Destroyer/The Vampire Lives is insanity bad. And that’s me being nice for a change.