Archive for black magic

30 Years of Elvira, Synthetic Sex, Black Magic Punk Rock

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Slashers, TV Vixens, Witches, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 24, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Elvira, Mistress of the Dark

Elvira (aka, Cassandra Peterson), the timeless and beautiful/bountiful horror movie hostess, is hosting a 30th Anniversary screening of her 1988 classic horror comedy movie, Elvira, Mistress of the Dark, on Thursday, October 4th in Salem, Massachusetts. Tickets are a wallet-stretching $50 general admission and are on sale now. Elvira will be 67 by the time of the screening, and to look at her now (quick, what color are her eyes?), you’d think she is still mint-in-box.

Elvira

Also times to the screening is Arrow Video’s Blu-ray releasing of the movie, which as horror movie fans know, will be the first time in its available in that format. Wish it was in 3D. Ahem.

Elvira

In Elvira, Mistress of the Dark, the cult-movie TV hostess inherits an old New England house, a poodle and a black magic cookbook. But no one ever said, “Hey, let’s go see a movie with a poodle and a black magic cookbook!” One look at Elvira and you’ll see what she so effectively uses to pay the rent. This is one time you want the event to go bust. Heh.

Here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies to watch while I go outside and get slapped in the head for my insensitive remarks…

How It Ends

HOW IT ENDS (July 13, 2018)
“As a mysterious apocalypse causes the spread of misinformation and violence, a man and his estranged father-in-law race across a chaotic and fractured country to save his pregnant wife.”

Standard post-apocalyptic scenario — go from one side of the country to the other, while navigating (pick one or more) zombies, gangs, criminals, stinky punk rock maniacs, Mad Max. I have enough trouble getting from one side of the grocery store to the other. (Why can’t they put the salted snack treats next to the beer cooler? Utter madness.)

Zoe

ZOE (July 20, 2018/Amazon Prime Video)
“Two colleagues at a revolutionary research lab design technology to improve and perfect romantic relationships. As their work progresses, their discoveries become more profound than they could ever have imagined.”

What the press release doesn’t tell you, the trailer shows: a scientist designs a synthetic chick and falls in love with it and wants to insert his hard drive into her software. Wasn’t this the subtext of Ex-Machina (2014)? On that note, inflatable love dolls are far less expensive, easier to maintain and, more importantly, clean.

Boogeyman Pop

BOOGEYMAN POP (2018)
“A bat-wielding, masked killer in a rusted-out black Cadillac weaves in and out of three interlocking stories awash in sex, drugs, punk rock, black magic, and broken homes.”

You really can’t go wrong when you mix punk rock with black magic. The rusted-out Caddie is but mere artistic expression. I hope it comes with a full tank of sex and drugs. P.S. Don’t do drugs. I’d say don’t do sex, either, as it too is a gateway drug and… Crap, I did it again — now I’m way over my head. Bailing now while I can.

Monster

MONSTER (2018)
Emily is tired of her life. In a dead-end job that she hates and an employer who takes advantage of her, she dreams of a life away from the daily grind. Her life will take an unexpected turn, however when she is snatched from work and bundled into a van. She awakes later in the isolated Remington home, a place of death and violence where depravity and horror are the norm. Led by the fearsome Richard, the undisputed head of the household, Emily discovers that the Remington’s are organizing a very special birthday party and she is the guest of honor. When the birthday boy — the Remington’s seven-foot-tall hulk of a son appears, Emily realizes she is more than just a guest and their intentions for her are much more sinister.”

Word at the bus stop is that the generically-titled Monster is a cross between The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974) and Natural Born Killers (1994). So, like, is this Bonnie and Clyde with power tools?

Black Arts Supermodel

Posted in Asian Horror, Classic Horror, Foreign Horror with tags , , , , , , , , , , on December 8, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Art of the Devil

In Art of the Devil (2004), Boom is a supermodel hot Thai gal who uses voodoo to blackmail her wealthy boyfriend into giving her cash money bling for knocking her up. Oops — he’s married and has a family. Awkward.

Art of the Devil

Hell hath no fury like a supermodel scorned. Enlisting the black magic skills of a local barber by day and voodoo master by later in the day, she puts the ex in expire. She invokes him throw up a whole pile of razor blades. (I’m no expert, but aren’t those things supposed to be used on the outside of the stomach?)

Art of the Devil

Flashbacks abound with the character-heavy story showing how she was hit by a van and lost her baby. She later gives the fetus to the voodoo barber who puts it on his black magic hibachi during a ceremony. I could’ve done without seeing that.

Art of the Devil

Blood flows all over everyone’s white clothes, which is a nice contrast. Boom finds out in the end it’s not cool to kill people with the Black Arts. Anyone else left standing, well, their wounds will heal in time for the sequels (there are two more). As for the barber, I wonder how much he charges for a little off the top?

British Zombie Bikers

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 10, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Psychomania

The rules are simple: make a deal with the devil and you get immortality and candy. Break a deal with the devil and you get turned into a frog and eat house flies and grub worms for all eternity. (I’ve only eaten gummi worms, so probably gonna pass on any deal-breaking.)

Psychomania

That’s the premise of the British zombie biker horror oddity, Psychomania (aka, The Death Wheelers/1973). But the young, heck-raising youths wearing spook masks and mocking traffic laws who each commit suicide so that they can come back from the dead in “forever in blue jeans,” think being dead is fun. In fact, it suits them, as their motorcycle gang name is The Living Dead. Cute.

Psychomania

Tom, the gang’s uncombed leader, loves black magic. He was tainted by evil as a crib rat when his mom made an immortality pact with the devil. Now that he’s old enough to make his own satanic bargains, Tom kills himself and returns exactly as he was prior to the expire (no rotting faces or unbrushed teeth), and convinces the rest of the direction-less youth to do the same.

Psychomania

How the gang commits suicide is not very imaginative or graphic: Jumping out of a plane and not pulling the parachute cord, wrapping oneself in chains attached to a cement brick and taking swimming lessons, jumping out of a hi-rise window, driving face first into oncoming traffic… If you waver, you actually die and don’t get to rejoin your zombie biker brothers and their quest to be bothersome to the community.

Psychomania

They drive their motorbikes into the grocery store (punks – there’s tons of parking outside), crashing into carefully stacked canned goods (good marketing). Then they drive into a police station holding a few of their rapscallion pals in conjunction with murder (lots of bloodless associative deaths) and break them out. Then they meet at a fog-drenched place called “The Seven Witches” (a field filled with standing stones) and question one members’ lack of pact. It’s Tom’s girlfriend. She tried offing herself with pills, but goofed up with the goofers and didn’t die. Now Tom and the gang want to die her for good.

Psychomania

Meanwhile, Tom’s mom has had enough of her son’s troubleness and summons the devil (some old guy in a suit, with a sword and a jeweled magic ring) to renege on their arrangement. She’s warned about the whole “frog for eternity” thing, but she doesn’t care — just get it over with and stop that Tom.

Psychomania

With absolutely no blood, gore or even salty language, Pyschomania wraps up with The Living Dead turning into cocooned corpses and finally into stones, which the devil further augments his collection, which he keeps in “The Seven Witches” front lawn. And Tom’s girlfriend who was about to be killed? She’s now single, but lives to die another day.

The Horror of Turkish Horror

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 3, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Siccin 3

When one thinks of Turkey (the country, not the tasty Thanksgiving day featured attraction) – whose food staples include yogurt salads, fish in olive oil, and stuffed and wrapped vegetables – you don’t think of cutting edge and taboo-free horror movies. But you should.

Siccin

One of the biggest horror hits ever from that country with an annual precipitation averages about 15 inches is Siccin (pronounced “Sich-in”), released in 2014 (available for $31.82 on Amazon.com). To say it was acimasiz (“brutal” in Turkish), is an understatement. Here’s the arsa (plot)…

Siccin

“Öznur is a young and beautiful woman. She has had a platonic love since childhood to Kudret, who is her cousin. Kudret, however, is married to a woman named Nisa and is very happy. Jealous, Öznur uses terrible black magic to change this so that she and Kudret will be together. However, she is not prepared for the evil that this spell unleashes.”

Siccin 2

Again, an understatement. The evil stuff is unflinchingly graphic and double nasty. So it made sense they would follow it up with Siccin 2: Every Living Thing Will Taste Death in 2015:

Siccin

“Sweetly is in love with his cousin since childhood has become Might obsession. Might be married to Nisa’s mind is blocked for a while, he has been happily married since Kudret final decision. Succumbing to passion Sweetly looks larger land to achieve a solution on behalf of prohibited sake. Nisa demons haunting the spell. After five Isha prayers by Talisman Nisa and death will meet with his blood.”

Siccin

Okay, clunky description (thanks for nothing, Google Translate™). The cousin love theme notwithstanding, more crazy sick demons (ramped up from Siccin) and free-flowing kovalars (buckets) of human juice.

Sicchin

Again, a mega hit. But like Turkey’s bankable weather (summers are consistently hot and dry, with temperatures often above 86 °F), Siccin 3: Curmi Love, a second sequel, has been announced, releasing in Turkish theaters on September 2nd, 2016. (You can book a flight there on any of Turkey’s 98 airports, including 22 international airports.) And as hardcore horror goes, Siccin 3 raises the bar even higher. First, the plot (arsa):

Siccin

“After a terrible car accident, Sedat will do anything to save a childhood friend – even if it means dealing with demons and ghosts.”

Siccin

Doesn’t quite sell it. But when you watch the trailer and get a taste of the press pics, you will indeed bok your pants. (Hoping you figure out what “bok” means.) A flight/hotel to Turkey on Expedia.com™ goes for an affordable $992.00. Siccin – money well spent.

Winged Blow-Torch

Posted in Evil, Fantasy, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 1, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Eragon

As with all kingdoms back in the days of yore, Alagaesia’s mayor is the patently-evil King Galbatorix. He was elected on the political platform that he’s a former dragon rider (cool). He also sold out everyone around him for money, fame, power and chicks (cooler still).

Eragon

Meanwhile, outside of town, a young boy named Eragon (why didn’t they just call him Eric?) finds a blue egg, a gift from the feel-uppable Princess Arya. It hatches before Eragon can make enough egg salad for 400 sandwiches, and a baby dragon pops out. He names it Saphira. (Lame name as no one had claimed Scaly D at the time. Today at least six rappers with shingles go by it.)

Eragon

Enter Brom, a local dude who becomes a dad/mentor to the recently orphaned whiner. Brom tells Eragon he is the dragon rider prophesied to kick Galbatorix’s throne and bring happy good times throughout the land. He also has to deal with an evil sorcerer (Durza) who can make black magic happen. While this spit is getting ready to hit the fan, the dragon is growing at an alarming rate, meaning that the litter box in the barn is gonna have to be emptied with a front-loader.

Eragon

Eragon, under Brom’s tutelage, learns how to ride the dragon, go flying into danger and to be a good guy. BORING. If I had a flying dragon that shot flames out through its portals, let’s just say Happy Hour would get a whole lot more happier. For me, anyway.

Eragon

Regardless of his clichéd quest, Eragon (2006), a total wuss, rides the lightning for truth, justice and the Alagaesia way. If he succeeds: candy and balloons will grow everywhere. If he doesn’t: black stuff will get on everyone’s shoes for all eternity. Believable dragon flying sequences, but Eragon needs to be a little more Motorhead and a lot less Air Supply.

Heavy Metal, Masked Wrestling and Horror Fun

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 4, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Deathgasm

Burned out on big money horror movies that almost kinda sorta maybe pay off? Not me, as I’m an easily entertained suckhead – whoooo!

But if you don’t fall into that category (my name’s at the top of the list), then you might wanna rev your engines for these new indies sliding down the horror tube: Deathgasm and El Gigante. Both have cool names, filmed on a budget that wouldn’t cover a Happy Meal™ and a lot of zing AND zest.

Here’s what you absolutely need to know right now…

Deathgasm: “Bruce and Denny are into ear shattering Death Metal, setting fire to things and avoiding personal hygiene products. Tired of getting rejected by girls and being bullied mercilessly, they set about trying to utilize black magic to reverse their fortunes. They stumble upon an ancient page of sheet music and attempt to play it in their garage band, they unwittingly summon an ancient evil entity known as The Blind One, who threatens to tear apart existence itself.”

Intriguing, especially the “avoiding personal hygiene products” part.

El Gigante

And from the brains that brought us The Evil Dead in 60 Seconds, comes El Giagante, a film short that combines Lucha Libre (Masked Mexican wrestling) with cannibalism. I smell a pay-per-view coming on: “After attempting to cross the US/Mexico border in search of a better life, Armando awakens in an unknown room, his body broken down and a Lucha Libre mask sewn into his neck. He attempts to escape, but is surrounded by a sadistic family, who watch him with hungry eyes. The only chance for Armando’s survival in this hellish nightmare is to survive a wrestling match against the most terrifying villain of all: GIGANTE!”

So there you go – two choices to get you out of your horror genre rut, a place I happily wallow in. Wallow is such a cool word.