Fluorescent Frights, Smelly Horror, Next Door Exorcism

Super7.com™ is a website I often click on during work hours. They sell a myriad of cool monster toys, which is purchased regularly to put on the desk to distract from my work load. Gonna have to put in some overtime so I can buy their new Universal Monsters ReAction Luminator Series™, glow-in-the-light model kits: The Wolf Man, Frankenstein and The Mummy. Now I’ll be able to bathe in the model’s day-glo light as well as my Bud Light™.

From Super7.com’s™ website: “Illuminated by the glow of a full moon, The Wolf Man is ready to prowl for his next victim! Inspired by vintage model kits, this 3.75” articulated Universal Monsters ReAction Figure™ of The Wolf Man comes in translucent vibrant yellow, and is packaged in a throwback-style box. It would definitely be a bright idea to add these glow-in-the-light Universal Monsters ReAction Figures™ to your collection!” (Buy ’em here)

While we pad our work hours to come up with the $75 for all three ($25 each, so pretty sure my math is solid), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make you give up Bud Light™…

THE FIVE DEVILS /March 24, 2023 (Theaters) / May 12, 2023 (Mubi™)

“Vicky, a strange and solitary little girl, has a magical gift: she can reproduce any scent she likes, and collects them in a series of carefully labeled jars. She has secretly captured the scent of Joanne, her mother for whom she nurtures a wild, excessive love. When her father’s sister Julia bursts into their life, Vicky reproduces her smell and is transported into dark and archaic memories which lead her to uncover the secrets of her village, her family and her own existence.”

I can reproduce smells as well, especially after Taco Tuesday. I don’t store ‘em in labeled jars as I like to spread the love around, if you catch my…drift.

GODLESS: THE EASTFIELD EXORCISM / April 6, 2024 (VOD)

“Convinced his wife is possessed by dark forces, a desperate husband puts his faith in the power of a pitiless self-proclaimed exorcist, who is convinced that salvation can be found only through his hands. Based on a true story, this is a disturbing tale of misplaced faith and destructive zealotry.”

All wives are possessed by dark forces, usually after the honeymoon wears off.

VOICE OF SHADOWS / Release pending 2023/2024 (VOD)

A young working class woman stands to inherit an estate if she and her boyfriend abide by a set of bizarre stipulations.

Been done with Easy Money (1983), starring the legendary Sir Rodney Dangerfield, whose character Monty Capuletti stands to inherit $10 million from his super mean dead wealthy mother-in-law if he goes on a diet and quits doing drugs, drinking and gambling…for a whole year. I wouldn’t have made it a week.

NO WAY UP / release pending 2023 (VOD)

“No Way Up is a high concept combination of disaster movie and survival thriller, as characters from very different backgrounds are thrown together when the plane they’re traveling on crashes into the Pacific Ocean. The stricken airliner comes to rest perilously close to the edge of a bottomless ravine with the surviving passengers and crew trapped in an air pocket. With their air supply rapidly running out, a nightmare fight for survival ensues as dangers from all sides hone-in on them.”

The dangers from all sides means either hybrid razor clam sharks or some of Aquaman’s droppings. Hey, he lives in the ocean — where else is gonna go? Have a heart people – Aquaman’s gotta poop.

Legendary Lagoon, Medical Mayhem, Deathless Drink

Sad to report the passing of Ricou Browning (February 16, 1930 – February 28, 2023), better known as the creature in Creature from the Black Lagoon (1954, filmed in 3D), one of the greatest monsters and monster movies of all time. So much so, the Gill-Man joined the Universal Monster Hall of Fame alongside Frankenstein, Dracula, The Wolf Man and The Mummy. (The Invisible Man wasn’t included because he was nowhere to be found.) Rico reprised his fishy role by returning for the sequels Revenge of the Creature (1955) and The Creature Walks Among Us (1956). 

Playing the iconic Gill-Man was just one of Rico’s many water-enhanced talents. He created the 1963 TV series Flipper and directed 37 episodes, worked as a stunt man on 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea (1954), played all the bad guys in Sea Hunt (1958 – 1961), directed the harpoon-filled fight in the James Bond movie Thunderball (1965) and the Jaws-inspired candy bar-in-the-pool sequence in Caddyshack (1980). He was even a stand-in for Johnny Weissmuller on Tarzan films. Pretty much the coolest resume ever.

In a 2013 interview, Sir Browning talked about his role in Creature From The Black Lagoon: “I filmed my scenes in wintertime and it was pretty cold. The crew felt sorry for me, so somebody said, ‘How would you like a shot of brandy?’ I said, ‘Sure!’ Pretty soon they were dealing with a drunk creature.” Browning also said his legendary costume was cumbersome at first. ‘When I first put it on, it seemed awkward and clumsy. But once I got into the movie, I forgot I had it on. I became the creature.’”

While we go back and re-watch all the Creature movies and marvel at how Ricou could easily hold his breath for four minutes at a time, here are some upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/TV series that may or may not be as expertly directed as the candy-bar-in-the-pool scene in Caddyshack…

DEAD RINGERS / April 21, 2023 (Amazon Prime Video™)

“In this series, Rachel Weisz plays the dual roles of Elliot and Beverly Mantle, “twins who share everything: drugs, lovers, and an unapologetic desire to do whatever it takes — including pushing the boundaries of medical ethics — in an effort to challenge antiquated practices and bring women’s health care to the forefront.”

The original Dead Ringers came out in 1988, with the dual doc role being handled by Jeremy Irons, Batman’s butler in Justice League (2017/2021). Not sure why he gave up being a gynecologist with the best seat in the house to polish Batman’s batarang.

THE BURNED OVER DISTRICT / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A grieving man discovers that the seemingly quiet town is hiding a very terrifying secret. Now he must find a way to overcome his grief and fight back against the darkness that has consumed the town and its people.”

Wonder what the man could be grieving about? Maybe because the town shared its terrifying secret with everybody but him. If my town did that to me, I’d be griefing all over the place

DIVINITY Release pending 2023 (Theaters)

“Set in an otherworldly human existence where the creation of a groundbreaking immortality serum named Divinity is wreaking havoc. Jaxxon Pierce, the creator’s son, now controls and manufactures his father’s once-benevolent dream, and society on the barren planet has been entirely perverted by the supremacy of the drug. However, when two mysterious brothers arrive with a plan to abduct the mogul with the help of a seductive woman named Nikita, everyone will be set on a path hurtling toward true immortality.”

Divinity is a dumb name for an immortality serum. You’d get far more marketing zing if they named it Sir Lives-a-Lot or No Time To Die or Deathus Interruptus or To Be Continued or…

POV / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A suburban couple attempt to survive a home invasion on the most dangerous night of the year.”

If your home is being invaded, doesn’t that qualify as the most dangerous night of the year? A possible exception might be if you lived at the foot of an annually erupting volcano filled with lava bees. Or Christmas.

Steel Monsters, Dying As Art, Hell Boys & Girls

I’ve come to the unassailable conclusion that laying on the couch (in any direction) should be recognized as a form of exercise. And like working out, are you not tired after seven hours of laying there watching monster movies? Same as exercise. I rest my case.

Speaking of things that are lazy, here are a few upcoming horror and sci-fi movies (or “films”) that may or may not had  some sort of effort put into with the title or the plot…

HANK BOYD IS DEAD (June 27, 2017)
“Struggling actress/caterer Sarah Walsh is left alone to tend to the post-funeral gathering for Hank Boyd, a quiet loner who stood accused of a horrific crime. She knew Hank in high school and finds it hard to believe that he could do anything terrible. However, her opinion begins to change after she meets Hank’s brother David as the family’s secrets are exposed and the bodies pile up. If she hopes to survive and all because…Hank Boyd is dead.”

Sounds more like a CW™ mini series than a movie. Boring title, which indicates “meh” across the board. And before you start e-yelling at me for prejudging, I have watched “horror” movies almost exactly like this for years and decided to move on to more entertaining ventures, like street corner begging and dumpster diving.

UNIVERSAL CLASSIC MONSTERS (September 12, 2017/Best Buy)
“Seven classic Universal™ monster movies are getting the steelbook treatment, each featuring stunning black & white art by Alex Ross. The following films will be part of the collection: The Wolf Man (1941), The Invisible Man (1933), Creature from the Black Lagoon (1954), The Mummy (1932), Dracula (1931), Bride of Frankenstein (1935) and Frankenstein (1931).

Gotta hand it to Universal for finding new ways to re-package the same seven monster movies they built their empire on nearly 90 years ago. This time they’re putting the classic horror movies in steel boxes, not unlike what you would put a peanut butter sandwich in to nosh on during recess.

This is not a new concept; World Market™, purveyors of over-priced wicker couches, has been selling Frankenstein and Bride of Frankenstein metal hors devours trays every Halloween for years. I have the whole set. Still don’t know what “hors devours” are (sounds like a cannibal hooker). But licensed and over-priced trays are handy to put snacks on. Not crackers, though; those dang things slide right off onto your shag carpet, where crumbs are nearly impossible to get out.

FLESH OF THE VOID ( 2017/2018)
“Flesh of the Void is an extreme experimental horror feature, visualizing what it could feel like if the act of dying was a truly horrible experience. Shot extensively on Super 8 and 16mm, it is intended as a disjointed, surreal trip through the deepest and most violent fears of the human condition, depicting its subject in a radical, grotesque and raw manner, refusing to shy away from societal taboos.”

Pfffft — I go through the act of dying every time the bartender yells, “Last call!” Do like the premise, though, as I pretty much assumed kicking the bucket was a black (or white) affair. Black is where you go if you have unresolved anti-Bible skeletons in your closet. Or some ratty farm with Black Phillip landlording the place. I have no reference to the white end game. Maybe a Seattle beach during one of the three days it actually sunshines up here and everybody comes out of their caves with nearly translucent and sickly skin.

HELLBOY: RISE OF THE BLOOD QUEEN (in production/2018)
“This franchise reboot is reportedly aiming for an R-rating and a horror movie style. In the Hellboy comics, the ‘Queen of Blood’ is a powerful British witch, also known as The Lady of the Lake.”

Lady of the Lake. Wasn’t that the name of a tepid M. Night Shyamalan movie back in 2006? And wasn’t in a condo swimming pool as opposed to a lake? I would’ve changed the movie’s title, too; Lady in the Swimming Pool just doesn’t have enough zing. But I digress — happy to see Hellboy being re-booted. Now if they could just do the same thing with Plastic Man…

Midget Monsters, Nazi Zombies, Cleaning Toilets

You ever see the 2007 Spanish horror hit [REC]? That one had a few humans trapped inside an apartment building loaded with slobbering, flesh-chowing zombies. I feel like I live in that same building as I can hear my highly annoying neighbors chew dinner with their loud mouths open. Wonder if they’re eating flesh? That’s what it smells like as anytime anyone cooks something, it stinks up the entire building. Think I’ll fight fire with fire and fry up some raw tuna and eggplant.

Here’s some upcoming horror movies that hopefully won’t stink…

THE CREEPS – DEFORMED MONSTERS (February 21, 2017/Blu-ray)
“Undersized, undead and angry. Dracula. Frankenstein. The Werewolf. The Mummy. In an experiment of the maddest kind of science, these four classic monsters of film and literature are brought back to life…but something goes wrong. Though they look and act exactly as they you’d think they’d look, the creepy quartet emerge as half their normal size. Now, they’re three feet tall…and not happy at all.”

Can’t blame ‘em for being unhappy. At three feet tall, that puts your face at everyone’s butt level. This would be especially demoralizing if they worked at a bean factory. The Creeps actually came out in 1997, but this is the first time on 2D HD 1080p. That’s just scientific jibber jabber, but some people with hi-tech minds will find that to be of significance. I’m gonna go back to braiding my hair and contemplating puffy clouds.

BESETMENT (2017)
“A young woman takes a hotel position in a small town in Oregon. It’s a creepy, back country kind of town, but owners Mildred Colvin and her son seem nice. It’s not long before she discovers their real intentions and her struggle to make a living becomes a nightmarish fight for her life.”

A “nightmarish fight for her life.” Sounds like she has to clean toilets.

TRENCH 11 (2017/2018)
“In the final days of WWI a shell-shocked tunneler must lead an Allied team into a hidden German base 100 hundred feet below the trenches. The Germans have lost control of a highly contagious biological weapon that turns its victims into deranged killers. The Allies find themselves trapped underground with hordes of the infected, a rapidly spreading disease and a team of German Stormtroopers dispatched to clean up the mess. The only thing more terrifying than the Western Front is what lies beneath it…”

Two things come to mind: First, this sounds like a video game. Secondly, is this not a spin on Resident Evil (2002)? That one was based on a video game as well. I don’t play video games. It requires too much hand/eye coordination. I can barely put on my movie pants without falling over.

THE BLACK ROOM (May 9, 2017/VOD)
“A supernatural tale where evil takes on a sexy side. A married couple moving into their new home is faced with an entity that feeds off lust and desire, corrupting and/or killing everyone in its path as it plots a horrifying plan to destroy the world.”

Surprised that the entity is feeding off lust and desire from the married couple. Everyone knows that goes down the drain after the honeymoon fever wears off. I’m betting, however, this movie will depict boobies in all their paired gloriousness.

Vampires, Mummies, Robots, Teenagers

Some old faces, some new faces. Kinda like looking in a fun house mirror. (Man, I gotta get me one o’ those things. Then I’d be a god.)

UNDERWORLD BLOOD WARS (January 9, 2017)
“Vampire death dealer Selene fends off brutal attacks from both the Lycan clan and the Vampire faction that betrayed her. With her only allies – David and his father Thomas — she must stop the eternal war between Lycans and Vampires, even if it means she has to make the ultimate sacrifice.”

Werewolves versus vampires swap spit on the battlefield one more time, although the press release hints that it’s the end of the line for the highly popular/successful Underworld franchise. Whenever I hear the words “ultimate sacrifice,” I think of that time I tried a tiny sip of wine at the urging of a friend’s wife. Barfed my guts out all over the place. Beer = cool. Wine = NOT COOL.

THE MUMMY (June 9, 2017)
“Thought safely entombed in a crypt deep beneath the unforgiving desert an ancient queen, whose destiny was unjustly taken from her, is awakened in our current day, bringing with her malevolence grown over millennia and terrors that defy human comprehension.”

Tom Cruise heads up this big budget re-remake. I like Tom – he rocked it in Edge of Tomorrow (2014) and Oblivion (2013), two of the better sci-fi movies in recent years. Heck, he’s even been smacking alien arse since 2005’s War of the Worlds. Tom will save us from the Mummy. I have no doubt.

#SCREAMERS (2017)
“When an Internet company decides to investigate a series of ‘Screamer’ videos, they are confronted with havoc and hell they could never expect.”

I’ve seen those #Screamer videos on YouTube™. Most of ‘em are just dumb teenagers doing dumb things. Sorry, I meant to say ALL teenagers are dumb.

KILL COMMAND (out now / VOD), December 27, 2016 / DVD)
“Set in a near future, technology-reliant society is creating killing machines. Against this backdrop an elite army unit is helicoptered in to a remote, off-the-grid island training facility, to test the capabilities of the latest prototypes. They set up positions and make short work of the AI targets in the killing field. However, overnight their sentry goes missing, and when they find the corpse the next day they find themselves in the killing field and the tables have turned. The Marines fight to survive on an island is overrun by an enemy intelligence far beyond their predecessors, which learns from their every move.”

Sounds like they borrowed a rejected script from The Terminator (1984). The tired plot of Kill Command might work better as a video game. Note to video game makers: I don’t play video games. A grand waste of time. I’d rather lay on the couch and enrich myself in the outer glow of TV’s nourishing content.