Archive for May, 2014

The Dead Speak Through Beaks

Posted in Classic Horror, Ghosts with tags , , , , on May 31, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Dragonfly

Dr. Joe Darrow’s freshly deceased wife nags him from beyond the grave. All women have the power to do this.

T’was a mud slide that made a pancake out of the Third World bus she was riding in while tending to sick jungle kids with no HMO worth mentioning. Raising the bar on this tragedy was that his wife was also pregnant – presumably with his child.

Dragonfly

At a hospital in the “Hurry up and take ’em to Disneyland” ward, a kid whose heart keeps stopping comes back to life and tells Darrow  that he’s seen his dead wife on the Other Side. Then his dead wife’s parrot, trained to say “Honey, I’m home!” every time she walked through the door, wakes Darrow up in the middle of the night (stupid bird) by invoking that very mantra. Then there are all these signs and eerie things happening that couldn’t really be happening.

Dragonfly

Thinking he’s losing his mind, he believes corpses are talking to him (they are), that sick kids can see beyond the veil of death (they can), and that parrots crap all over the kitchen when frightened (they do).

Dragonfly

The trail of spooky signs leads him to the vacation destination of his wife’s demise. You shouldn’t have to guess what he finds as the eerie clues practically spell it out, but with wavy lines and bird poop symbolism. Yapping parrots aside, Dragonfly (2002) is a taut paranormal drama covered in suspense and bird poop. Sorry, couldn’t resist one more.

Evil Reunion

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 29, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Exorcist: The Beginning

Exorcist: The Beginning (2004) is the backstory about Father Merrin, the priest who drove the Hell out of Linda Blair in The Exorcist (1973).

Exorcist: The Beginning

Turns out Merrin is an old buddy of the demon Pazuzu, whom he first encountered in East Africa and then again in Holland during WWII. Even Pazuzu’s stink breath was no match for the war atrocities Merrin witnessed. So the priest/archaeologist heads to Egypt where he thinks he’ll knock back a few cold ones, pet a camel or two, hang out and leave a pyramid in every bathroom.

Exorcist: The Beginning

But the call comes in to return to Africa, this time to scope out an ancient church that was just discovered buried under dirt. (People in that part of the world know nothing about vacuum cleaners. Heathens, I tell you.)

Exorcist: The Beginning

Merrin arrives in Kenya and upon entering the Centuries-old church, notices the place is in pretty good shape despite being buried under elephant crap that long. What the hoohaw, thinks Merrin; this can’t be a church as it was built several millennia before Christianity plagued the world.

Exorcist: The Beginning

But I didn’t come here for a history lesson. I’m here to see evil stuff, which includes babies being born with maggots on ’em, a little boy being torn apart and eaten alive by wild hyenas, another little boy’s head turning all the way around without that snap, crackle and pop sound…

Exorcist: The Beginning

All this leads up to Merrin having a reunion with his ’ol BFF Pazuzu, who looks like a white-faced, stupid Goth wussy. While the demon stuff is icky, it serves no purpose other than to gross you out. I’m OK with gross out, though there’s no impending sense of religious dread causing an immediate need to wash your naughty parts in holy water.

Exorcist: The Beginning

If Pazuzu wants to get back to being truly evil, he needs to quit listening to weenie-ass Goth and start banging his horned head to some righteous heavy metal. And to quit making prequels/pointless sequels.

Super Fly

Posted in Classic Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , on May 28, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Fly

As remakes go, 1986’s re-imagineering of The Fly (the original came out in 1958) ranks as one of sci-fi’s all time best. And not just because I said so. Ask the internet.

The Fly

Seth Brundle, scientist, invents a teleportation pod that can zap objects from one place to the other, just like the Transporter™ in Star Trek, but with more steam and wires.

The Fly

His first attempt to transport a baboon leaves him with a big inside-out monkey mess to clean up. His new girlfriend, who teaches him the ways of the flesh, inspires him to reprogram the machine to successfully deliver a biological life-form from the living room into, say, the kitchen for some celebratory snacks.

The Fly

Seth transports himself at the same time a housefly decides to give its wings a rest inside the mix master machine. The result is a sticky man-fly creature that is one of contemporary horror/sci-fi’s greatest experiments-gone-oops.

The Fly

Seth’s slow, exquisite, flesh-dripping transformation into a six-foot fly is something you’ll want to try yourself. In fact, I’m doing it as we speak. So from this point on refer to me as Super Fly.

Shark Happens

Posted in Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on May 27, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Sharknado

The surprise hit Sharknado came out July 11, 2013 and, when aired on the SyFy™ Channel, spiked ratings and returns through the roof, enough so for someone with leftover lunch money to fund a sequel. Hence, the lazily titled Sharknado 2: The Second One, due for release on July 30, 2014.

Sharknado

Once word got out that Sharknado not only rained down tons of man-eaters via a weather-borne delivery system but tons of profit and the inevitable sequel, the internet community wasted no time coming up with their own shark/weather mash-ups – and fake Sharknado 2 movie posters as well. Sharknado’s movie producer douches should have paid attention; someone came up with the far superior Sharknado 2: Aftersharks. (I was gonna do it, but I was busy washing my hair.)

Sharknado

This got me using previously thought dead brain cells and cleverly deduced that there had to be more fan made shark movie art. A simple search yielded the results you see here. And looking over them, I think each of these fake movies should be made into a real movies.

Sharknado

There’s shark/volcanoes, shark/tsunamis, shark/avalanches… Pretty much every extreme weather/shark mash-up you could ever want. Sort of. Wondering why no one came up with Fog Sharks or Sharkwaves or Sharkphoon (sharks/typhoon). Consider those legally copyrighted as I’ll be writing the screenplays while eating a sandwich – about the same amount of time the script for Sharknado was written.

Cutting Cookies With A Machete

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Scream Queens, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , on May 26, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Dark Ride

From the uninspired movie title, to the tired formula plot of a bunch of teens breaking into an amusement park fun house where gruesome murders were committed years ago, to the painful dialogue and escaped-lunatic-from-a-mental-institution killer, Dark Ride (2006) is as entry-level/paint by numbers horror as it gets.

Dark Ride

All they did was change the location and give the killer a new mask. Hell, they were so lazy, they didn’t even give him a different killing implement. Another mask-wearing killer with a machete? Really?

Dark Ride

A bunch of stereotype teens on their way to Spring Break bust in after hours for kicks. That’s when Jonah gets busy. (Couldn’t they have come up with a name that doesn’t smack of outright intellectual property infringement on 1980’s Friday the 13th’s Jason, whom Jonah is so redundantly modeled?)

Dark Ride

The only good part is when one of the chicks is giving one of the guys an oral lesson and Jonah cuts off her head right as the guy is completing his, um, homework. The look on his freshly dead face could be best described as horrified, but with an undercoat of contentment.

I never thought I’d say it, but watching teens get slaughtered is boring. Times they are a’changin’.

Hell’s Log Ride

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Scream Queens, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 25, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Ferryman

The Ferryman (birth name Charon) is that scary dude from Greek mythology who runs the canoe service that takes you across the river Styx, right into downtown Hell. But no one rides for free, so if you don’t have any cash or a debit card to pay him, you’re doomed to loiter on the shores of Acheron for 100 years. Sadness abounds.

The Ferryman

So the Ferryman has come to collect on this fat old guy who doesn’t want to go to Hell. But F-Man has this cool ability to move into other bodies, which, as you can imagine, really f’s things up for everyone else.

The Ferryman

A Tahiti-bound sailboat carrying three couples detours right into some evil fog, responding to an S.O.S. signal where they find an eerie fishing boat with one person on it. They bring the sole surviving fat guy aboard and the fun commences as his soul, with barely an explanation how, can enter the body of any male or female. When he goes into a chick, he gets to touch that fuzzy private area.

The Ferryman

To accomplish this he first has to stab the body he intends to occupy with a magical dagger. The wounds heal miraculously fast…WITHOUT A BAND-AID™! Right there that would’ve been my signal to abandon ship. But as he bounces around each person, the madness, violence and blood-distributing gets insanely intense. Warning: If you like dogs, DO NOT watch the dog scene. If you’re more of a cat person, then go right ahead.

The Ferryman

Somehow it’s figured out that the fat guy’s soul is doing all the wife-swapping and in a genius maneuver, gets the tables turned on him big time. When the Ferryman comes to claim his lard-y essence, he shows up looking like a very wet Freddy Krueger, but with a sea cloak instead of a color-coordinated red and green sweater.

The Ferryman

The Ferryman (2005) features LOTS of screaming and hemoglobin and not much else. The ending, though, will make you smile as though you just swapped bodies with a porn star.

Meat Your Maker

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on May 24, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Hellraiser: Inferno

A detective proficient at solving puzzles investigates a gooey murder that left the victim looking like he was processed by a juicer. This police officer, it should be noted, is a coke-sniffer, bribe taker, and a panderer of prostitutes, even though he’s married and has a kid.

Hellraiser: Inferno

Finding a Lament Configuration at the crime scene, the detective figures out how to open the Rubik’s Cube of Doom and summons the Cenobites. The creatures this time out look pretty dang cool, but there’s only three of ’em, two being twin chicks with gaping flesh wounds and partial faces. He just figures it’s a whiskey and hooker hangover, and shakes it off to look for the killer.

Hellraiser: Inferno

Lots of weirdo and surreal-o things happens, and Pinhead, the head Cenobite himself, only shows up towards the end (he had to get his nails done) and treats the steadily unraveling cop to some Hallmark™ advice. (The only thing missing is a hug.)

Hellraiser: Inferno

Dropping the whole Cenobite mythos, Hellraiser: Inferno (2000) concentrates on a dark character study rather than exploring the depths of stinking Hell. The end has a nice twist and Pinhead finally whips out the hooks and does his impression of a meat tenderizer. All said, I could do less with misbehaving humans and more with demons who can tear your shirt apart.

Hellraiser: Inferno