6 Inches of Terror, Digital Death, Jackie The Ripper

NECA™, maker of fine horror toys, has three must-have figures coming out in August of 2023. Using an abacus (calculator that doesn’t need batteries or plugged in), I determined that to be a little less than six months from the date of this posting. (I’ll have to get back to you on today’s date — I think I broke my abacus while calculating last month’s bar tab.) NECA™, who previously brought us fun figurines like Elvira, Herbert West (Re-Animator), The Miner (My Bloody Valentine), Freddy Krueger (The Brady Bunch), Universal Monsters and measurable tons more, is adding Vampira, Svengoolie and Captain Spaulding to their vast inventory.

According to NECA’s™ addictive website: “Bring the fun of Saturday morning cartoons to your horror collection with the adorable little creeps of Toony Terrors, NECA’s™ line of stylized horror icons! Standing approximately 6” tall, the Series 8 action figure assortment includes Captain Spaulding (House of 1000 Corpses) with alternate head, Vampira with skull, and Svengoolie. Each figure comes in blister card packaging with a bonus cutout backdrop.” (Preorder here).

While we chuck once-cherished family heirlooms cluttering up valuable shelf space to make room for these under $20 figures, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not have been made with a budget determined by a working abacus… 

GHOST WEBCAM / Available now (Tubi™)

“While under house arrest, Nate goes on a virtual date with a woman who appears to get murdered on camera. He needs to find out if it’s real or a hoax.”

Virtual dating seems so 2022. There are pros and cons, though, the best part being is when you get a data date to show you her binarys and you put your hardware into her software. Click and a promise.

THE GHOST WITHIN / March 17, 2023 (VOD)

“Margot revisits her family home, desperate to uncover who killed her sister Evie 20 years earlier. As she gets closer to the truth, Margot finds herself facing her deepest fears in the house that’s still haunted by Evie’s ghost.”

She died 20 years earlier and now you’re desperate to solve your sister’s murder? Sounds more like, “I’ll get around to it eventually, sis.”  

SLASHER: RIPPER / April 6, 2023 (Shudder™, AMC+™)

“Basil Garvey, a charismatic tycoon whose success is only rivaled by his ruthlessness, oversees a city on the cusp of a new century and a social upheaval that will see its streets run red with blood. There’s a killer stalking the mean streets, but instead of targeting the poor and downtrodden like Jack the Ripper, The Widow is meting out justice against the rich and powerful. The only person standing in the way of this killer is the newly promoted detective, Kenneth Rijkers, whose ironclad belief in justice may wind up being yet another victim of The Widow.”

Kinda like the bloodletting version of Robin Hood (1950). If The Widow is only going after the rich and powerful, I can safely leave my doors unlocked.

BROOKLYN 45 / Release pending 2023 (Shudder™)

“Friday, December 27, 1945. Five military veterans gather in the ornate parlour of a Brooklyn brownstone. Best friends since childhood, they’ve reunited to support their troubled host. But when his invitation for cocktails turns into an impromptu séance, the metaphoric ghosts of their past become all-too-literal. Trapped in their host’s lounge, the Greatest Generation now finds themselves put to one final test, with their only route to freedom being more bloodshed.”

Soldiers vs. Specters. Army vs. Apparitions. Platoon vs. Poltergeists. Brigade vs. Banshees. I could do this for another three minutes.

Supersized Superheroes, Brain Suckers, Junkie Reptiles

There are superhero action figure fanatics and then there are mega superhero action figure fanatics. If you’re one of the latter, get ready to soil yourself: XM Studios™, makers of highly-coveted superhero models, have come out with a monolithic Justice League VS Darkseid diorama. Assembled, the stunningly detailed diorama will give your face an aghast expression. Kinda like shocked, but with more spit cup drool. 

From their website: “XM Studios™ is excited to present our 1:6 DC EPIC DIORAMA series, Justice League VS Darkseid! An epic battle scene diorama all DC fans should have in their collection, Justice League comprising of Superman, Wonder Woman, Batman, The Flash, Aquaman, Green Lantern and Martian Manhunter engages in battle with one of Justice League’s main adversary and one of the most powerful being in the DC Multiverse, Darkseid.” 

A few specs: Limited to 338 pieces, the dimensions of this couch-sized diorama are 41.33” long x 30.70” wide x 33.46” tall and comes in three boxes, shipping from Singapore for $1,350.00. Not surprising given the combined weight of 116.85 lbs. Scary, but not as much as the price: $3,299.00. That’s the same for the color (or “colour”) and aged bronze versions (Limited to 100 pieces). Buy ’em here.

And while you’re trying to decide whether or not your car needs all that space in the garage that could be used to showcase this epic diorama, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may not have had a film budget of the Justice League diorama price tag…

SUCCUBA / Out now (Tubi™)

“An evil presence attaches to a lonely widower who intends to guard it for as long as he can.”

This happens all the time to the pension drunks who live at the Tug Tavern.

MIND LEECH / Out now (VOD)

“A very persuasive Leech is wreaking havoc in rural Provinstate, 1998. On a mission to expand its horizons, our influential invertebrate enlists the help of the local townsfolk. The police are soon on the tail of our pesky parasite.”

According to some flora ‘n fauna website I happened across, leeches are chiefly aquatic carnivorous or bloodsucking annelid worms. The leeches in my life don’t look like annelid worms (okay, some do), but they certainly are bloodsucking. And money-sucking. And energy-sucking. And suck-sucking.

CARNAL MONSTERS / February 28, 2023 (DVD,VOD)

“A group of friends go out for a day to cheer themselves up and come across the unconscious bodies of two girls outside of a nuclear facility. But the two girls turn out to be mad killers and they turn the pleasant day out into a nightmare. And did we mention the poison gas that was created by a mad scientist?”

Going out for the day to cheer themselves up with unconscious bodies outside a nuclear facility. Apparently, I’ve been doing this relaxing thing all wrong. 

ATTACK OF THE METH GATOR / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“ A tweaker gator snorts up its stash and goes on a unacceptable social behavior rampage while looking to score. Things get even worse when Cocaine Bear shows up to do a few rails with the agitated alligator and all holy hell ensues. Spoiler alert: Detox Donkey makes a small, but essential cameo.”

The plot is fake, but the movie is real. Once again, Asylum Studios™ ripping off — and probably igniting — a flood of horror movies about drugged up animals. What’s next — OxyContin Owl? Ritalin Raccoon? Percoset Penguin?

Colorized UFOs, Dreaded Library, Supernatural Girl Power

While doing more intense research (drinking heavily) into the mushrooming applications of AI in art, literature and music, a thought occurred — could AI colorize black and white photos from the early days of UFOs? Short answer = yep. And since artificial intelligence is smarter than me, I ran a few classic UFO photos through the AI Matrix and it spit out these examples.

The UFO image at the top of this blog-o-sphere is from McMinnville, Oregon taken by farming couple Paul and Evelyn Trent in 1950. And since everything in the ’50s was black and white (color wasn’t invented until the psychedelic ‘60s — just ask a day-glo hippie), AI did a decent job of interpreting what it would’ve looked like.

While I dig through more of the colorless UFO archives to test artificial’s intelligence, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/documentaries that may or may not appeal to day-glo hippies…

LEGEND OF GATOTKACA / February 17, 2023 (Hi-Ya!™), March 21, 2023 (VOD/DVD)

“After witnessing the shocking murder of his best friend by a masked assassin with terrifying superpowers, Yuda stumbles upon a secret prophecy long concealed by powerful people. After unlocking dormant abilities of his own, Yuda discovers that he — an ordinary college kid with no belief in the old legends — may very well be the key to winning the upcoming battle against an ancient evil.”

I went to Google Translate™ and typed in “Gatotkaca”, this Indonesian movie’s title. It translated it to “Gatotkaca.” Now it makes way more sense.

CRAM / March 17, 2023 (VOD)

“We all do what we gotta do to pass — except Marc. Desperate to finish his final paper, he struggles to cram all night in the library. After dozing off, Marc awakens to discover that his paper has vanished. Looking for answers and a way out of this nightmare, Marc is drawn deeper into the mysterious and enchanting stacks. Alone in the library (or so he thinks), Marc is easily frightened and considers giving up. But the library has other plans for him.”

Libraries are for people who don’t have TVs.

DEAD HOT: SEASON OF THE WITCH / April 14, 2023 (Tubi™)

“The documentary film is described as The Craft meets The Simple Life, an intimate journey into the supernatural realm as well as a “coming-of-age story that explores identity, feminine power and sisterhood.”

I’m not sure this film is meant for guys. In fact, I’d bet my tampons on it.

PARALYSIS / release pending 2023 (VOD)

“After family trauma, Haley Stone has isolated herself from everyone except her brother Nicky. But with her complicated grief and emotional well-being deteriorating, Haley experiences hallucinations, vivid nightmares and debilitating episodes of sleep paralysis. These episodes become ever more pressing when Haley notices bruises on her body. She suspects the entity that visits her in the night is not just a figment of her imagination. With the assistance of a paranormal investigator, Haley must access the truth buried between realities and free herself from this living nightmare.”

Hallucinations, vivid nightmares, debilitating episodes of sleep paralysis, bruises. This is everything you experience waiting for the Tug Tavern to open.

Godzilla’s Space Brother, Drug Skin, Psycho Sex Babysitter

SpaceGodzilla may have only one film credit to his name (Godzilla vs. SpaceGodzilla /1994), but with his New Age crystal padded shoulders and out-of-town swagger, he made a lasting impression, if not visually, but all over Japan’s infrastructure. And now you can own a piece of the rock with Mondo’s™ limited release of the SpaceGodzilla soft vinyl figure. Never has wanton destruction seemed so desirable.

From Mondo’s website: “This Kaiju toy measures 9.5” tall, 10” long, and 6.5” wide and is priced at $150.00. It’s designed and sculpted by Hector Arce and comes packaged in a box with art by Francesco Francavilla. Limited to 400, it’s expected to ship in July.”

For those who have yet to see Godzilla vs. SpaceGodzilla, it goes a little something like this: “Godzilla is threatened by two new forces: Mogera — another UN-built machine, and SpaceGodzilla — a beast spawned from Godzilla’s particles in space.”

So while we all “launch” our own “particles” into space and wait to see what comes back to haunt us, here are a few out now/up and coming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be made better with New Age crystals…

MARVIN / Out Now (Amazon Prime Video™, Tubi™)

“After the incident, Albert, a family practitioner, aimlessly searches for the perfect sure for his son’s gruesome face. For the last 20 years, he’s been secretly collecting skins, donated by the local town sheriff. The only criteria is they must possess the raw hide of a junkie. This gives a whole new meaning to ‘operation’ drug bust.”

The raw hide of a junkie. Sounds like that’d be an nifty title for a Carcass album.

SPOONFUL OF SUGAR / March 2023 (Shudder™)

“A disturbed babysitter experiences a sexual awakening while using LSD to alternatively treat a child from a family with dark secrets of their own.”

With my luck, this one’ll probably be rated PG.

AXE2GRIND / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Debbie Wilkins is released after serving 10 years in a psychiatric hospital in upstate New York for her murder spree on the set of The Bayou Butcher. Wilkins, who still has unresolved issues and vendettas to settle, picks up where she left off after reuniting with her twisted accomplice Norman Poindexter. Meanwhile, Debbie’s ex, Peter Burgess, has been having nightmares about the possibility that Wilkins might be released from prison and has turned to a therapist to deal with his trauma and guilt from past events. But are they just nightmares, or is Debbie Wilkins going to put their past relationship to rest for good?”

This one stars Debbie Rochon, the undisputed Scream Queen, what with having appeared in over 200 horror movies, give or take. And in half of those, she’s actually wearing clothes. 

SPRING LAKES / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“When Marcus, a down-and-out struggling filmmaker, goes on a search for his missing sister Sheila in Spring Lakes, he encounters strange and mysterious occurrences in the form of a satanic cult and other superstitious beliefs. Marcus must find his sister before he, too, becomes engulfed by the living forest and suffers the same fate as his sister.”

If you’re down and out and struggling, shouldn’t you be looking for a job instead of your sister? Then again, maybe the satanic cult would hire you to hand of recruitment fliers downtown.

365 Days of Horror, Tramp Stamped Piranhas, Extinct Genes

Time again for Lunchmeat Magazine’s annually-anticipated Home Video Horrors calendar. Seems like it’s been a year since they put one out. I you’re a fan of Z-grade lurid horror movies that used to come out on VHS, this paints you in a must-own corner.

From Lunchmeat’s website: “Photographer Jacky Lawrence with W.T. Scot present an all-new Home Video Horrors calendar, featuring 12 brand spankin’ new photo tributes to some of the most iconic, incredible, and eye-popping VHS covers ever to stalk the horror section of the video store. The Home Video Horrors 2023 calendar is printed on high-quality, full-color semi-gloss paper. Only 250 copies will be produced, and you can pre-order yours for $19.99 over on Lunchmeat’s website now. The calendars are expected to be delivered in January 2023.”

While we watch 2022 go down in flames and re-light the torch with this 2023 horror calendar, here are a few out now horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not last a year…

THE CRETACEOUS WORLD / Out now (VOD)

The Bermuda Triangle area has always been known as the Hell of Death. Many years ago, due to the special magnetic field and ocean current environment, a “sleeping” cretaceous island emerged from the water. The island has a large number of dinosaur genes that have been extinct more than 65 million years ago. A bizarre air crash led a group of survivors to be trapped on this island.”

At around 79 million years, the Cretaceous is the longest geological period of the entire Phanerozoic. Knowing this going in made the movie that much more satisfying.

PIRANHA WOMEN / Out now (Tubi™)

“A tender tale of a tribe of sexy ladies who keep a toothy, terrifying secret beneath their bikini tops and the young woman who is slowly, surely starting to join their ribald ranks.”

Bikini-wearing women that turn into flesh-eating fish. And they say there are no new plots.

THE SCREAMING SKY (aka, CEREBOH) / Out now (VOD)

“The world has been overrun by mind-controlling aliens called Sky Beasts. Six people hide out in an abandoned building. But when one of them is exposed to the aliens, paranoia among them proves to be just as deadly as any threat from the sky.”

Sky Beasts is what I call those %@#$ seagulls that crap all over my car. (Shaking fist menacingly) “I’ll kill you, %@#$ Sky Beasts!” 

THE DOLL 3 / Out now (VOD)

“After an accident that killed both of her parents, Tara now only has a younger brother named Gian as a member of her family. However, the accident traumatized Gian, so he chose to end his life. After the suicide of her brother, Tara decides to take his favorite toy, a child-size talking doll called Bobby, to a shaman to have his spirit reborn inside it. The doll takes on a life of its own, turning into a demonic serial killer who targets any and everyone in Tara’s life that stands in his way of completely monopolizing his sister’s time.”

Looks like somebody’s been watching Child’s Play. Three times, apparently.

Unwelcome Aliens, Bigfoot Byname, Clown Killing Clown

When you look around your house/apartment/prison cell, what’s the first thing that comes to mind? The answer, of course is, “I sure could use a vinyl banner to liven up the place.” And really, there’s no downside to covering your bland walls with vinyl — they’re stain-resistant (mostly), easily cleaned (if that’s your thing) and will last longer than you. The folks HorrorDecor.com can make your decorating dreams come true with stylish and affordable vinyl horror banners.

Designed by Burnzig, these banners come in five choices: The Human Pin Cushion, The Forever Twins, Master of Knives and The Living Doll, cleverly recasting horror movie icons as old time-y carnival sideshow attractions. (That’s what came up on my job aptitude test.)

Each banner is $40.00 and measures 24” 30”. They come with silver colored metal grommets on all corners and can be used indoors or outdoors. I wouldn’t recommend outdoors as a stink criminal might steal it to garnish his/her inevitable prison cell.

While you’re taking down those worthless family photos to make way for these banners, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not brighten your living area…

BATTLEFIELD: FALL OF THE WORLD (aka ALIEN MONSTER INVASION) / Out now (Tubi™)

“A mysterious alien civilization’s military aircraft arrives on Earth. In order to resist the alien invasion, the military forces of various countries put politics and nationalism aside and join forces. Cheng Ling, who was struggling to survive in the ruins of the apocalypse, is inspired by this spirit and resolutely accepted the task of the defense commander, forming a strategic team with other soldiers in an attempt to destroy the alien attackers.”

I say let the aliens take over and leave them to clean up this toilet of a planet.

TAHOE JOE / Out now (Wicked Horror TV™)

“In 2022, filmmaker Dillon Brown set out with Green Beret and wilderness survival expert, Michael Rock, to document an attempt to find a missing person. What they found instead was a horror thought to be a myth.”

Tahoe Joe is another nickname for Bigfoot. Sounds like Vegas poker player’s name or that pension drunk with three teeth who sits at the end of the bar at the Tug Tavern and talks to himself.

THE LEGEND OF THE DARK CLOWN / Out now (Amazon Prime Video™)

“Jitters is a recent graduate with high hopes to one day be a birthday clown who entertains kids. When he cannot afford to pay back his student loans from clown college, he takes the only job available to a young inexperienced clown. He embarks on a life of crime when joins the Killer Clown Mafia. It’s blood in and blood out so once he kills for his crew, he has no way to leave without being murdered himself. He makes the decision to take out every evil clown in the entire city and goes on a massive killing spree in hopes to be free to become what he always wanted – a clown who entertains kids. In his desire to live his dream, he creates a nightmare and becomes a legend. He is an evil clown that kills other evil clowns.”

An evil clown that kills other evil clowns. So what happens after Jitters permanently deletes the entire evil clown population — sillycide? 

THE TOMORROW JOB / Release pending 2023 (Theaters/VOD)

“A team of thieves use a time-travel drug to trade places with their future selves to execute the ultimate heist. When interrupted on a job the team must fix their past mistakes to prevent disastrous consequences. A dynamic mix of genres, The Tomorrow Job is a high-stakes sci-fi action-adventure epic with heart, humor, and fun, and an ode to beloved heist comedies of the past.”

Time travel drugs have been around for a long time — just ask a hippie.

Vile Vision, Ghost Guests, Lethal Lobsters

For horror movies fans there exists a plethora of viewing options, paid and free. If you don’t mind ad-supported horror movies (or just regular movies, which nobody cares about), Tubi™ and YouTube™ beats the competition by far with obscure, DYI, foreign and classic horror offerings. (P.S. Tubi™ is the king of horror/sci-fi with hundreds upon other hundreds of horror flicks you never knew existed.)

Shudder™ is the de facto go to for paid horror viewing, with a sharply curated catalogue and consistent new releases. With plans starting at $4.79 a month, you be a screaming dumbass (okay, maybe not screaming) to not subscribe. Another bountiful horror/sci-fi option, though, is Wicked Horror TV™, a premium streaming service specializing in quality horror films. (Note: ALL horror movies are quality. Except maybe three.) 

Wicked Horror TV™ puts the gore in categorize — horror movies are sorted by decades (1920s to whatever decade we’re in now), countries (Asia, Australia, Europe, South America and whatever country we’re in now), and sub-genres (ghosts, giallo, gothic, paranormal, possession, B-movies, satanic, supernatural, occult, witches, etc.) There’s plenty of ad-supported free horror, but the premium plan taps you for $5.99 a month, though you save thriftily with their billed annually plan of $49.99. Wicked Horror TV™ can be watched (or “viewed”) on things like Fire TV™, Roku™, Apple TV™, Android TV™, Google Play™, and iOS™ mobile devices.

While you close out your horror-bereft Netflix™ account and sign up for Wicked Horror TV™ (click this), here are a few out now/upcoming horror and sci-fi movies/tv series that may or may not be worth paying for — or watching for free…

DEADLY DEALINGS / Out now (YouTube™/VOD)

“A young woman struggles with losing her brother. Her roommate turns her on to a spirit board, and that night she has a dream that she can trade her dream for her brother’s life. The next day when she awakens she learns that it was more than just a dream and she bit off more than she expected.”

Yawn. Sounds more like a spirit bored than a spirit board.

THE GHOSTS OF MONDAY / January 23, 2023 (VOD/DVD)

“A television director becomes embroiled in a supernatural conspiracy after traveling to Cyprus to make a TV pilot about a haunted hotel.”

Cyprus is an island country located south of the Anatolian Peninsula in the eastern Mediterranean Sea. Seems like a long way to go to document hotel haunters. Try the “ghosts only” Overlook Hotel in the nearby country of Colorado.

THE SWARM / Release pending 2023 (Streaming TV subscription)

“A global environmental thriller, The Swarm is set in a present day where anomalies and unnatural behavior in marine animals are causing upheaval all over the world. Millions of strange worms suddenly appear on the bottom of the North Sea, drilling their way through frozen methane, threatening to destabilize the entire continental shelf. Swarms of mussels stop large vessels from maneuvering. Toxic jellyfish, lobsters and whales start attacking human beings along the coasts of the world. It follows a global group of scientists and military who come together to tackle one of the biggest challenges mankind has ever faced. They make the chilling discovery that we are not the only intelligent species on this planet — and that deep down at the bottom of the sea resides a collective intelligence which has suffered the ravages of civilization on its habitat and decided to fight back.”

Strange worms, toxic jellyfish, swarms of mussels…sounds like the Seafarer’s Feast™ at Red Lobster™.

NEW FEAR’S EVE / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“As the coming year approaches, three friends reluctantly prepare for Hooper Industries’ annual New Year’s Eve bash. The clock ticks down and the body count rises as a psychotic murderer known as The Doctor is on the loose. This sadistic surgeon of death leaves Owensboro covered in blood as local police and FBI are forced to navigate through a maze of bodies left in his wake.”

I liked this better when it was called New Year’s Evil (1980).

Frightful Voices, Shark Cravings, Shiny Giants

One of the better and hammy fun vampire movies of the ‘80s is Fright Night (1985), wherein a stylish, manscaped vampire moves next door to Charley Brewster, a teen a horror movie fan, who discovers his new neighbor’s penchant for sucking down neck Slurpees™. Charley enlists the help of local TV horror movie host/vampire hunter Peter Vincent (played by Planet of the Apes’ Cornelius), to expose his neighbor’s vampiric activities. The wild stuff that happens from there (sorry, no spoilers) cemented Fright Night’s cult status among horror fans, and was even remade in 2011.

Chris Sarandon, who played Jerry Dandrige, Fright Night’s the lethally smooth vampire, also starred as police detective Mike Norris in 1988’s Child’s Play (he was the guy who shot the criminal guy who, before he could die, voodoo’d himself into a plastic doll and became Chucky), and was the voice of Jack Skellington in 1993’s animated “horror” classic, The Nightmare Before Christmas. His work in horror includes 1977’s The Sentinel, 1991’s The Resurrected, Bordello of Blood in 1996, and a cameo in the 2011 Fright Night remake. (P.S. Fright Night 2: New Blood came out 2013, but he wasn’t in it. Neither was I.) And Sir Sarandon recently returned to the FN universe by voicing A. Jack Ulkrich novel Fright Night: Origins in audiobook format. This is fantastic news for people who don’t know how to read. (Hey, I was wet nursed on TV. Quit judging me.)

Here are the particulars: “You think you know the whole story, don’t you? High school isn’t going well for teenage horror fan Charley Brewster, still dealing with the loss of his father, he finds himself in his first serious relationship with the vibrant and beautiful Amy Peterson. If new love wasn’t complicated enough Charley is also failing Trigonometry. Late one night while cramming for a test Charley spies something suspicious in the yard next door, two men carrying what appears.to be a coffin. What’s going on in the old Victorian House and who are Charley’s new neighbors?”

Fright Night: Origins comes in four Amazon Audible™ options: Kindle™ ($1.99), Audiobook ($0.00), hardcover ($32.99) and paperback ($16.99). Pick your poison here. And while you’re reliving the undead, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be improved by having ’em read to you…

UNDYING / Out now (VOD)

“A tragic car accident puts a woman in a two year coma. She wakes up to find her fiancee is dead and her friends have abandoned her. So she calls on an evil spirit to raise her fiancee from the dead and exact revenge. But revenge always comes with a price.”

Your friends bailed because you were basically a leftover meatloaf for two years. It’s not like they ran out, leaving you to pay the bar tab. And that’s punishable by death by an evil spirit? Geez, some coma patients are so cranky if they don’t get enough — or too much —sleep.

VENUS / Out now (VOD)

“After being caught stealing from her employers, club dancer Lucía seeks shelter with her estranged sister and niece in the Venus, a decrepit apartment complex on the outskirts of Madrid. Soon, Lucía discovers the apartment complex harbors a dark secret threatening to reveal itself after an unexpected solar eclipse.”

I thought all eclipses were solar. They could’ve just said eclipse.

NO SHARK / Out now (Tubi™)

“In this darkly comedic and uniquely angsty journey, twelve vignettes chronicle a young woman’s inner monologue as she visits various NYC beaches in hopes of fulfilling her dream of being eaten by a shark.”

Why is it every gal I meet wants to be eaten by a shark? It’s giving me a complex.

SHIN ULTRAMAN / January 12, 2023 (Fathom™)

“As the threat of giant unidentified lifeforms known as S-Class Species worsens in Japan, a silver giant appears from beyond Earth’s atmosphere.”

As if it needs to be said, the world could use more silver giants wearing shiny tight pants.

Hellish Pizza, Stinky Bigfoot, Reanimated Santa

“We have such slices to show you…”

A perfect paraphrased salvo to introduce their new “Hellraiser” pizza, Portland, Oregon’s Sizzle Pie™ is arguably the best pizza joint in the world. The place is garnished in horror movie posters, they blast hardcore metal at volumes that could cook your face, and they serve up pies with names like “Ace of Spades”, “Napalm Breath”, “Pig Destroyer” and “Demolition Man.” With the introduction of the “Hellraiser” (cup and char pepperoni, sausage, bacon), Sizzle Pie™ just smacked your taste buds right in the mouth.

S-Pie™, established in 2011 (menu here), has locations in Portland’s Central Eastside, downtown, the Hollywood District, Beaverton, a spot at the Moda Center, and Reno, NV. Good, but not good enough. We need Sizzle Pie™ in every town in every state. But not Europe. They don’t deserve the majesty of these majestic pizzas. (They’d just add weird stuff to ‘em, like clams, malt vinegar and ketchup.)

Every time I’m in Portland, which is a lot (they have the best strip clubs as well —I go to ‘em for scintillating conversation), my first stop is ALWAYS Sizzle Pie™. To be within rush-the-stage distance of their downtown location, I strategically position myself at The Benson Hotel (287 guest rooms include 47 junior suites, seven Penthouse Suites, two Presidential Suites), which is two blocks away. I asked The Benson if they could move their 100 year old+ hotel closer to Sizzle Pie™. They said they’d get back to me on that. I feel positive about their response.

While you decide which mode of transportation will get you to Sizzle Pie™ faster, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be worthy of having a pizza named after them… 

GREYWOOD’S PLOT / Out now (Tubi™/YouTube™)

“A struggling paranormal blogger named Dom is on the verge of ending things forever when a mysterious tape arrives on his doorstep. It’s a rare sighting of a classic cryptid sends Dom and his friend Miles on a road trip to find the fabled creature, but they soon find where their loyalties lie.”

The fabled creature in question is the Skunk Ape, said to be the missing link between man and ape. Uh, shouldn’t that be the missing link between skunk and ape? Don’t look at me like that — it’s right there in its name. Speculative science is rarely wrong.

OGOPOGO — THE MYTHICAL SNAKE FROM THE LAKE / Out now (DVD)

“Fresh on vacation after battling Bigfoot, Aliens and the Easter Bunny, John is quickly wrapped up in a new case like no other — and with stakes personal to the heart. Tracking the Ogopogo – British Columbia’s legendarily elusive beast, John documents the flesh hungry creature with independent filmmaker Richard Mogg. But when Cupid hits his target and John falls in love with his soulmate Julie, all Hell breaks loose.”

I have high hopes for Ogopogo winning an Academy Award™. The odds are favored as this comes from the guy who did Bigfoot Ate My Boyfriend, Hot Chicks Blast Uranus!, Easter Bunny Bloodbath, Massage Parlor of Death, and the blouse-busting Bangin’ Vengeance – Enhanced Nudity Edition. Required viewing is not a suggestion.

S.T.A.L.K.E.R.: SHADOW OF THE ZONE / July 1, 2023 (VOD)

“A seasoned Free Stalker tasked with guiding a band of Mercenaries deep into The Zone to investigate a paranormal radio signal. Along the way they will uncover the nightmarish effects of exposure to the signal, in addition to the grim reality of the signal’s existence.”

This one’s a live-action sci-fi short fan-film based on the S.T.A.L.K.E.R. video game series. I don’t play video games as I live in the now, man. Okay, I did recently crammed a bunch of laundromat quarters (i.e., my paycheck) into a Pac-Man™ machine at the Tug Tavern. But I still live in the now. Man.

SANTASTEIN / Pending release 2022/2023 (VOD)

“When Max Causey was six, he accidentally killed Santa.12 years later, Max rectifies his mistake by resurrecting him, but soon realizes the creature he created is a bloodthirsty killer and it’s headed right to his friend’s Christmas party.”

I would very much like an invitation to that Christmas party. I’ll even bring delicious sugar cookies, a six-pack with “do not touch” written on ‘em, and a pitchfork.

Desk-Sized Horror, Alien Hot Dogs, Upsetting Sandworms

Neil Frasier is a British multi-award winning poster, key and book cover artist. I, to date, am not. Nowhere near jealous, but rather bitch-ass envious over his meticulously-detailed art, showing up on such literary film works as Werewolves Within and Manfish, to Fangs vs. Spurs and Penny & The Poppies. (Hey, don’t knock the movie — it rocks. Or, at least it would if you were a pre-teen girl. Hater.)

As featured on his website NFG (Neil Frasier Graphics), are the just-released desktop series, depicting desk-sized posters of Aliens, Ghostbusters, Jaws and Home Alone, which I doubt I’ll buy because the movie had just too many distracting plot holes to be completely enjoyable.

The cost for these premium-printed posters (pre-tax/shipping) is 20£ British poundage or $24.348 U.S. dollarinis (more for the larger sizes). Each of these suitable-to-look-at posters come in four paper specs, two US: 17” x 11” and 24” x 16” and two British: A2 (“23.38 x 16.53”) and A3 (16.53” x 11.69”). Weirdo copy machines in England are f’d in the paper tray.

While you try and figure out what tax and shipping is to the States (I gave up), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not rock as much as Penny & The Poppies…

THE GHOST LIGHTS / Out now (Tubi)

“A journalist returns home after the death of her father and discovers a cassette tape describing mysterious lights appearing in the skies of West Texas. She sets out on a cross-state road trip to discover the truth.”

What’s a “cassette tape”? As with the ghost lights, that must be something of extraterrestrial origin, like the Internet or foot-long hot dogs.

WITCHES OF THE SANDS / January 1, 2023 (VOD)

“The World’s First Post-Modern, Blood-Drenched, Monster-Flying, Ghost-Hunting, Folk Horror, Southern-Gothic B-Movie.”

They had me at “The.”

THE DREADED BALLERINAS/ January 23, 2023 (VOD)

“An odd traveler named Nice Eyes walks the streets and deserts of Utah as his mind, body and soul deteriorate into a far more primitive state.”

Utah? Yep, he turned into a Mormon.

DUNE: PART TWO / November 3, 2023 (Theaters)

“Follow the mythic journey of Paul Atreides as he unites with Chani and the Fremen while on a warpath of revenge against the conspirators who destroyed his family. Facing a choice between the love of his life and the fate of the known Universe, Paul endeavors to prevent a terrible future only he can foresee.”

Loved Dune: Part One (2021), but those mega-giant sandworms that swim in sand of all things, really gooned me out. Was unable to eat foot-long hot dogs for at least a week after watching the movie for the first of seven times. Traumatized, I was.