Archive for Tubi

Evil Shindig, Teen Dead Speak, Human BBQ

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, paranormal, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 20, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Without hyperbole, this could be the best party ever in the history of the world: BruceFest, a three-day horror fan extravaganza featuring the legendary Bruce Campbell (Evil Dead — all of ‘em) and Ted Raimi (Evil Dead II, Ash vs Evil Dead, Deathly Spirits, Drag Me To Hell, lots more), is being held at Estes Park, Colorado’s Stanley Hotel (aka, The Overlook Hotel)…the one in The Shining (1980). From the mouth of The Bruce himself: “The Stanley inspired Stephen King to write The Shining when he stayed there. I love the fact that it’s supposed to be haunted.”

Here are the details: “Join us December 1— 3, 2022 for an intimate weekend with Bruce Campbell, Ted Raimi and 350 true fans, featuring Watch With… live commentary movie screenings, game rooms, Sam Raimi prop collection, photo and signing ops, immersive altered reality game & scavenger hunt, cosplay costume contest, Dance of the Dead, and more!”

“Purchase your pass with a 3-night stay at The Stanley and you’ll get: a BruceFest 2022 poster, signed by Bruce! A photo with The King himself (that’s Bruce!), a $100 PER NIGHT food & beverage credit, and a limited edition BruceFest + Stanley Hotel swag bag! Book your hotel stay now by calling (970) 577-4076. The price? A mere $650, which, if you act NOW, can get a 2-for-1 ticket deal. Groovy! Needless to say, there’s a ton MORE information on the Stanley Hotel website (click here).

While we figure out YET ANOTHER weak excuse to borrow money from someone’s parents/bank/mafia to get tickets, here are few out now/upcoming horror movies that may or may not be rentable on haunted hotel room TV screens…  

GROTESQUE / Out now (Tubi™)

“Mildred Moyer transforms from shy misfit to lovable psychopath when her back-alley plastic surgery is botched. Mildred unleashes brutal vengeance on all those who tormented her in the past.”

Lovable psychopath. That was my childhood nickname. Okay, probably not the “lovable” part. Just replace that word with “sh*thead.”

DARBY AND THE DEAD / December 2, 2022 (Hulu™)

After suffering a near-death experience as a young girl, Darby Harper gains the ability to see dead people. As a result, she becomes introverted and shut off from her high school peers and prefers to spend time counseling lonely spirits who have unfinished business on Earth. But all that changes when Capri, the Queen Bee of the school’s most exclusive clique, unexpectedly dies in a freak hair straightening accident, resulting in the obvious cancellation of her upcoming ‘Sweet 17.’ Capri, however, pleads with Darby from the other side to intervene and convince Capri’s friends to proceed with the party as planned. In order to appease the wrath of the undead diva, Darby must emerge from her self-imposed exile and reinvent herself — which along the way allows her to find new joy back in the land of the living.”

Even in death, teens are annoying. But spirit counseling the dead has been done before (looking in your direction The Sixth Sense/1999). Still, anticipating the “freak hair straightening” accident. Wonder if it’ll be as harsh as that time I tried it. Totally f’d up my Lemmy sideburns AND emo soul patch as well during the unexpectedly painful process. Probably shouldn’t have used Simple Green™.

HUMAN HIBACHI 2: FEAST IN THE FOREST / Release pending 2022 (VOD)

“A clan that lives deep in the woods have a taste for flesh. Through different tactics they find ways to lure unsuspecting campers or those that trespass on their land to their camp where they party and then butcher them for a good home cooked meal.”

Sounds twice as mouthwatering as Human Hibachi (2020), though I’d like to take a look at the menu to see what the appetizers and side dishes are.

HE NEVER LEFT / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Gabriel is a criminal on the run with his girlfriend Carly. The couple seek shelter in a run-down motel, only to hear terrifying noises emanating from the adjoining room. Soon, they find themselves the unlucky target of the Pale Face Killer, a masked murderer who has been tormenting the small town for years.”

Terrifying noises emanating in run-down motels are called amenities.

Hellraising Kids, Corpse Condo, Krisp Kringle

Posted in Classic Horror, demons, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Misc. Horror, paranormal, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 12, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

You’ve already been to Hell and back (some of us more often than others), so why not show your little hellraisers how to do the same? Now you can with the Shape Shifting Hellraiser Puzzle Box — for kids! 

A sort of demonic Jack-in-the-Box™, Hellraiser’s infamous Lament Configuration is used to call on Cenobites to tear your soul (and flesh and pants) apart with extra-large fishing hooks so that you may experience the ultimate pain and pleasure. (As if last call didn’t cover both.) And it’s now available at Wal-Mart™ for a wallet-piercing $25.99.

From the marketing statement: “Marketed as a STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering, Math) building toy, the Hellraiser Puzzle Box can move and change shape like in the movie. It can be an educational toy to help children build self-esteem and confidence, develop spatial awareness, train memory skills, and exercise hand-eye coordination.”

Uh…wow. So cancel culture can unilaterally ban R-rated high school books, but a demonic puzzle box to summon extra-dimensional sadomasochism Goth leather demons from another realm is okay for kids? As f’d in the b-hole as this sounds, at least your child playing with the Lament Configuration is a safer than high school.

So while you’re contemplating the ramifications of your kid being able to summon flesh fetish demons, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not cause you the ultimate pain and/or pleasure…

KRAMPUS: THE RETURN / Out now (Tubi™)

“When Lisa and her friends go looking for answers behind her brother’s mysterious death, they discover he was a victim of the infamous Christmas demon.”

Yet another “Anti-Claus” movie that does little to explore the real horror of Christmas. For instance, did you know Krampus uses candy canes as rectal thermometers on kids who’ve been bad all year? I didn’t just make that up.

THE OFFERING / Out now (VOD)

“In the wake of a young Jewish girl’s disappearance, the son of a Hasidic funeral director returns home with his pregnant wife in hopes of reconciling with his father. Little do they know that directly beneath them in the family morgue, an ancient evil lurks inside a mysterious corpse with sinister plans for the unborn child.”

I suppose if I were an ancient evil (then again, I may already be), I’d totally hide out in a mysterious corpse. Seems like it’d be cozy, if not a bit sticky and freshness-expired. Don’t think I’d have sinister plans outside of discharging a couple of well-timed formaldehyde farts during funerals. That would be super fun.

NO DEJES DE GRABAR 2 / Out now (VOD)

Jonathan, a businessman who lives in Paris, decides to go to Barcelona to investigate the crimes that happened eight years ago. Along the way, he meets a mysterious man who tells him that he, too, is looking for clues. Jonathan finds himself at a crossroads full of mysteries, paranormal events and terrible situations, but nothing will stop him until he finds out the truth of what is happening in that building, now abandoned.”

The movie’s Spanish title translates to Do Not Stop Recording. Can’t tell you how many heavy metal vomit parties I attended where, after assisting with the draining of sacrificial kegs, how those exact words keep coming back to haunt me.

SHADOWS / November 15, 2022 (VOD)

“Alma and Alex, two teenage sisters, are survivors of a catastrophic event. They live deep in the woods with their mother, a strict, overprotective woman who has sheltered them from ominous presences, the Shadows, which live in the daylight and infest the world beyond the river. When they follow mother out for hunting, Alma and Alex start a series of events which will make them discover the truth about the Shadows and their own reality.”

I’ll take the Shadows over a strict mom any day. The Shadows won’t make me clean my room, finish my vegetables and do my homework. Not that I ever did what I was told, mind you. In your face, responsible parenting.

Hanging With Elvira, Ghost Cops, Phenomenal Dirt

Posted in Classic Horror, demons, Evil, Fantasy, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, paranormal, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 20, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Two giants in the horror entertainment field — Joe Bob Briggs/The Last Drive-In and Elvira/Mistress of the Dark (oh, wait…make that three giants) are finally appearing together on Joe Bob’s Haunted Halloween Hangout special edition of The Last Drive-In. This happens on Shudder™ TV October 21, 2022/9pm ET. Unable to Shudder™? This will air on-demand October 23, 2022. Not sure, but I think that’s two days later. I’ll call NASA to calibrate my math.

From the press release: “The hit series returns with Briggs, the world’s foremost drive-in movie critic, presenting eclectic horror movie double features, interrupting the films to expound upon their merits, histories, and significance to genre cinema. The season premiere will feature a celebration of The Last Drive-In’s 100th movie since Joe Bob’s first Shudder™ marathon in 2018, with surprise special guests.”

While we congratulate Joe Bob on his 100th movie milestone and Elvira for getting us through puberty, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi flicks that may or may not cause you to Shudder™ all over your TV face…

THE FINAL ROSE / Out now (Tubi™)

“Set on a remote island a single mother competes on a reality TV dating show called, Love at Last. When the contestants become targets of a mysterious masked killer, their search for romance turns into a fight for survival.”

So this is what the bottom of the barrel looks like.

MATRIARCH / October 21, 2022 (Hulu™)

“Afflicted with a mysterious disease after surviving an overdose, a woman returns to her childhood home to confront her personal demons but instead discovers a real one.”

That means she figured out where she stashed her stash.

SOMETHING IN THE DIRT / November 4, 2022 (Limited)

“When neighbors John and Levi witness supernatural events in their Los Angeles apartment building, they realize documenting the paranormal could inject some fame and fortune into their wasted lives. An ever-deeper, darker rabbit hole, their friendship frays as they uncover the dangers of the phenomena, the city, and each other.”

We don’t watch horror movies to see bros trying to figure out their “feelings.” We wanna know what’s in the dirt, man. And it better not be dog doo.

R.I.P.D. 2: RISE OF THE DAMNED / November 15, 2022 / (Netflix™/ DVD)

The Wild West has gone to Hell, literally, and the world’s best hope of being saved lies in the gun-slinging hands of Sheriff Roy Pulsipher as he becomes the newest officer for the Rest In Peace Department (R.I.P.D.) enforcing the afterlife’s laws. Roy thought joining the R.I.P.D. would give him a chance to revisit his daughter and solve the mystery of his murder. Instead, he has his holsters full with havoc and hellfire when he’s given a mission to stop a dangerous demon from opening a portal to the underworld. The fate of the living and the dead now depends on Roy and his partner Jeanne, a mysterious swordswoman, as cowboys clash with creatures and undead insanity unleashes apocalyptic chaos.”

R.I.P.D. came out in 2013 and despite having both Deadpool and The Dude in it, the movie was oddly dumb. Not quite stupid, but you know what I’m saying (especially if you watched it.) Cautious hopes for the sequel, which only took nine years to happen. Only. Wonder if any of the movie’s creatures, demons and the undead drink White Russians?

Horrible Music, Sci-Fi Squared, Blood On The Tracks

Posted in demons, Evil, Fantasy, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, paranormal, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , on October 18, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

For anyone who knows how to read, J. Blake Fichera’s Scored To Death film music books pull back the curtain on the (somebody else said the following, not me) “unique, dark wizardry that is scoring for horror.” And now Maestro Fichera’s vision expands into film itself with a feature length documentary, Scored To Death: The Dark Art of Scary Movie Music.”

Don’t set the table just yet: The completion of said documentary depends on YOU. Yep, this is a crowdfunded venture, and (from the press release) “To help offset the costs of creating such a documentary. Running now through Halloween, all proceeds from the campaign (Kickstarter™) will go directly toward the project. Although casting is still underway, some of the confirmed contributors include John Massari (Killer Klowns from Outer Space), Christopher Young (Hellraiser, Drag Me to Hell), Holly Amber Church (Open 24 Hours), Harry Manfredini (Friday the 13th), and Charlie Clouser (Saw).”

While you decide if not being able to read is reason enough to help get this one across the finish line, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi films that may or may not put a quartet in the jukebox… 

REPORTAGE NOVEMBER / Out now / Digital and On-Demand via Terror Films

“The mysterious death of a mother and the disappearance of her child leads a group of freelance journalists to the outback of Sweden. The group of four, led by the famous journalist Linn Söderqvist, will make a reportage about the happening and try to find something the police missed. Equipped with cameras and supplies to survive in the forest for days, they wander out into the woods to find the truth.”

Not much truth in the woods, but plenty of conspiracy pine cones to get your reportage on. 

TERROR TRAIN / October 21, 2022 (Tubi™)

“A college student boards a train for a Halloween party, and ends up fighting for her life when a mysterious assailant begins killing the people one-by-one.”

This, of course, is a remake of the 1980 horror film by the same name. (Too bad — Choppin’ Choo-Choo has so much more zing.) In the original they had students killing it on a New Year’s Eve party train. This one is going to a Halloween box social. All a’bored.

28 DAYS HAUNTED / October 21, 2022 (Netflix™)

“Three teams spend 28 days in some of the most haunted locations in the United States, their mission being to conduct paranormal experiments based on the theories of late paranormal investigators Ed and Lorraine Warren, whose work was depicted in films such as The Amityville Horror (1979), The Conjuring (2013) and Annabelle (2014).”

Ghost-hunting is what you do after you lose your job at Kinkos™.

CUBE / October 22, 2021 (Japan — Theaters) TBD 2022 (US)

“Six men and women are suddenly trapped in the mysterious Cube. It’s unclear where this is, why they are trapped, whether there is an exit, whether they can survive, or what the room even is.”

A remake of the 1997 kinda sort sci-fi mystery with the exact same plot as listed above. Fun fact: Cube is the other name for the Tug Tavern in that once you go in you’re trapped. Except you don’t care if there’s an exit or whether or not you can survive until last call.

Land Shark Has A Dirt-y Mouth

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Sharks with tags , , , , on October 17, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

2020’s Land Shark is identically the same as first released Land Shark (2017). In order to avoid a death-by-bankruptcy lawsuit, Land Shark might consider changing its title to Soil Sushi or Ground Gobbler or Tooth Acres. Worth looking into.

Land Shark gives new meaning to the phrase, “eat my dirt” in that this ‘roid-raging, GMO-modified molar mouth really chews up the scenery — and every two-legged entrees standing on it. He can swim through the aforementioned dirt, gravel, cement, asphalt, and probably football field AstroTurf™ as easily as backstroking in a community swimming pool garnished with dangling limbs. Also, L-Shark can leap out of the water (when he’s in it), way higher than that Free Willy fat ass. 

Infused with the DNA of an earthworm (weakly explaining LS’s earthiness), the pissed off shark goes on a rampage against those who messed him up in an underwater lab, all the while taking bold liberties with Deep Blue Sea (1999) and Bait 3D (2012). It’s theorized the shark is rabidly aggressive because it wants to eat and breed. Well, heck — who doesn’t?

But the borrowing/burrowing excitement doesn’t stop underwater, with Land-o hilariously pursuing the science team through a jungle, “swimming” across the ground as if it were a Slip ’n Slide™. But in the movie’s very first scene, the shark is 99 feet long (guessing), whereas he’s merely the size of an affordable two-seater Jet-Ski here. As the movie is in unreadable/unlearnable Mandarin (I thought Mandarin was a dinky orange), it’s possible the smaller shark was a different experiment and the bigger shark was its Au pair.

The head of the company that put a lotta fins toward developing the shark wants to capture it alive. The people it ate would probably respectfully disagree. Too late — Land Shark makes to the city where he somehow gets bigger again, and loads up on some screaming take-out. I could tell you how L’Shark meets his end, but you could probably guess. (If not, he ate an explosive.)

As for the shark itself, full-on metal. Specifically, if Motörhead was a shark instead of the WORLD’S GREATEST BAND, they’d look like Land Shark.

P.S. You can watch this free on Tubi™.

P.P.S. Sand Sharks (2012) should sue both of them.

P.P.P.S. Be sure and watch Free Willy 5 — Packed in Springwater.