Framable Frankenstein

There’s a price on Frankenstein’s head…and it’s $285 smackers. But that’s not all – order now and you get the good-intentioned doctor’s lab soulmate, the Monster. A bargain at twice the price.

This magnificent rendering was illustrated by Drew Struzan and lettered by Ken Taylor, both of whom were test tube babies. Just kidding. They probably in all likelihood have moms. This Frank art is a 15”x36” screen print. No copy machine for this beauty. It’s also limited to 325 prints, so you may want to forego rent and snatch it up before Dracula does. (Not only does he poke holes in necks, he’s a patron of the arts.)

Click your bad self on over to Mondotees.com before angry villagers hijack the site and, like, poke it with digital pitchforks ’n stuff.

Tape 407 – Horror On The Fly

Found footage movies are like karaoke – they just won’t go away. That’s ultimately the legacy of the mega-craptacular The Blair Witch Project (1999), which was made with a hand-held camera, zero special effects, no witch or anyone named Blair, and became one of the most profitable films of all time. And because those types of movies are so cheap to make/hype, they’re unfortunately here to stay.

Tape 407 is yet another of those lost/found footage “movies,” boasting “lost footage too real for reality and too disturbing for fiction.” I doubt it. In it, a commercial New Year’s Eve flight heading to Los Angeles from New York, hits severe turbulence. Ka-BOOM – plane crashes in a remote government testing area. How convenient. Fortunately, one of the two teen girls aboard has a hand-held camera that never seems to run out of battery power, and keeps it rolling. And what she captures on film is the premise of Tape 407. (Don’t know why the tape reference as the camera is digital. Maybe it’s in reference to one of 407 rolls of Scotch™ tape she had in her luggage. Hey, people have tried to smuggle weirder things.)

The few bloodied survivors are a bit upset that there won’t be any bar cart service. I certainly would be. In fact, I’d demand a full refund. One by one, they are pursued and presumably eaten by the predators that come out of the dark, because that’s what predators do. As part of the top secret Mesa Project, these creatures/mutants/aliens/models/actresses terrorize the humans with the promise of a “whirlwind ride” and a “twist ending” that will leave the viewer “breathless,” “shocked” and “terrified.” If only. These lost/found footage movies are more visually annoying than scary, giving you a headache with all the camera jerking, blinding edits and painfully loud dialogue (i.e., screaming.)

Note: The Blair Witch Project had a budget of $500,000 and grossed nearly $249 million. Paranormal Activity, released in 2009, had a budget of $15,000 and raked in $194 million. I’m selling my car and buying a hand-held camera. I’ll make a casting call announcement here shortly for my own found footage movie, The Beer Witch Project. The script is in the can. Heh.

2-Headed Shark Attack

Shark. Bikini. Screaming. Chewing with mouth open. Blood-splooshing. Standard, but a solid business model nonetheless. So what if someone doubled the pleasure and doubled the fun? With 2-Headed Shark Attack, arriving January 2012, they’ve done just that.

A mutated two-headed great white shark goes after two tasty chicks in bikinis – Broadway (or would that be “way broad”?) thespians Carmen Elektra (non-stripper pole birth name: Tara Leigh Patrick) and Brooke Hogan, Amazonian daughter of Olympic god, Hulk Hogan.

A boat carrying a bunch of college students is made Gilligan-esque by the titular two-headed shark. (Score – SharkShark: 1, College dumbasses: 0). Remaining survivors make it to an atoll. (No, it wasn’t Bikini Atoll, although with a mutated shark, that’d make way more sense.) The entertainment factor bubbles to the surface when the atoll floods. Like giving the shark wheels, this turns everyone into screaming pot pies.

Brooke Hogan is on her way to dorsal-finned superstardom, having already appeared in Sand Sharks (2011). Her star vehicle as a shark scientist tickled test tubes the world over. Carmen Elektra, on the doorstep of 40, can still bring the heat. No word on what she does in 2-Headed Shark Attack, but I’m sure it involves easily digested swimwear.

The two-faced shark, though, proposes a whole mouthful of potential. Example: a shark with two mouths will eat twice as much. That means twice as many victims/entrees in the same period of time. (Note: you may not want to be anywhere near it’s back door when the food has thoroughly digested.)

I don’t know why 2-Headed Shark Attack isn’t getting a world-wide big screen release and going straight to DVD. Who the hell is running this country?

The Art of An American Werewolf in London

An American Werewolf in London (1981) was about a college guy and his friend hitchhiking around England’s cow pastures, doing their best not to step in anything, when they are attacked by a werewolf. You heard the offense, but didn’t see it. So maybe it was a werecow.

A fun and funny horror flick that has achieved cult status and is still being interpreted to this day. U.K. artist Olly Moss, who I blogged about December 18, 2010, is one of those still keeping the moonlights on for what is one of the best werewolf movies ever made. His new posters for An American Werewolf in London are not only cooler than all get out, but are probably sold out by now. I know, I should’ve said something earlier. But my TV isn’t gonna watch itself, man.

Olly’s work extends to a wide variety of rent-paying clients, from cobblers Nike™ and Puma™, to sweater fashionistas Urban Outfitters™ and GQ magazine, a publication solely designed to tell me I have the fashion sense of a sewer inspector.

Olly’s minimalist yet impactful style, shown here with his groovy Star Trek, The Evil Dead and horror/sci-fi villain target posters, make him one of the more in-demand graphic designers working the rent-paying circuit. Check out his art or hire him to make your sweaters leap off the shelves by clicking HERE.

Monstrosity

Thanks to a science accident (kaBOOM), a world of monsters (us) collides with a monster world (them). Next thing you know, there are hideous top-hat wearing trolls and pumpkin zombies popping up in gas stations, restaurants and city parks, places you’d normally go to the bathroom.

Monstrosity, targeted for June, then September of 2011 – and now is gunning for sometime in 2012 – is that film. Based on the kid-friendly horror film short Unpleasantville (2010), Monstrosity does a Tim Burton maneuver, combining colorful costumes and remarkable creature masks with Goth-y stop motion and digital animation. As Monstrosity is family-ready, don’t expect exploding brains, blood baths and/or pumpkin goo gone wild.

Watching the trailer, Monstrosity does look pretty entertaining. A huge earthquake rattles New York and California, with tentacled things coming out of the ground in other cities to squeeze the tourists out of places like the Space Needle. I live in Seattle and don’t want those things to get me.

Then a nightly news broadcast of the current events is interrupted by a toothy monster troll who tells us not to be scared and to trust him. Seems like a reasonable request. Then pumpkin-headed zombies crawl out of the patch and look to do something to us. I don’t know what that is, but just the thought of those things touching me in an impure manner makes me fill my pants with crust-less pumpkin pie.

Monstrosity was made by Colton Tran. Never met him. But his name sounds cool. The movie sounds cool, too, even though it doesn’t have exploding brains. Then again, maybe it does. Either way, it wouldn’t hurt to have a few of ’em.

Night of the Pumpkin

Fangoria.com reports that Night of the Pumpkin, a Halloween themed horror short, is seeking Kickstarter financial aid to finish their film. So I guess that means I’m re-reporting it.

Sideshow Pictures, who brought us the charming Blood Night: The Legend of Mary Hatchet (2009), is hoping you, the cash-flush horror fan, will donate to their cause. Here’s what your fun coupons will get you:

“A demon possessed Jack O’ Lantern comes to life on Halloween and terrorizes a small town in this throwback to 80’s style horror. There will be mayhem, murder, screams, laughs, and buckets upon buckets of blood splatter. It’s over the top, outlandish, and your next guilty pleasure. It will make you think twice the next time you are about to smash a pumpkin.”

I’ve wanted to smash a pumpkin every since I heard Billy Corgan, leader of the alt-rock emo wads Smashing Pumpkins, open his whiney yap. But I digress. Click HERE to help Night of the Pumpkin come to life.

And just so you’re not slapping your own head in confusion, yes, there was a Night of the Pumpkin before. 2010, to be exact. On Mischief Night a pumpkin man stalks party-goers, who are naked, nude and unclothed. There’s probably more of a plot, not like it matters.

Devil’s Playground

Devil’s Playground, a British sci-fi zombie movie that came out in Englandia last year, finally gets its passport stamped and arrives in States via DVD, VOD – and probably LOL, OMG and WTF as well – on October 11, 2011. Borrowing liberally from 28 Days Later (2002) and Resident Evil (2002), flesh-eating zombies have turned London into a Royal Fork Buffet for the undead. And humanity’s ONLY hope for the future is locked up in one chick’s DNA. (I know what DNA stands for, but it’s too hard to pronounce. I tried and sprained my freakin’ tongue.)

So this DNA chick works for a pharmaceutical company, the same one that unleashed the zombie plague and turned people into super athletic cannibals. Sure, they can create a drug that’ll make a legion of the undead, but they can’t fill a prescription for Double Viagra™ without a note from my doctor. Thanks a lot, pharmaceutical company.

Clearly, the DNA chick is needed for some feel-up research. The company sends Cole, a hard-ass merc, out into the death hordes to find her. He may want to hurry – he’s slowly turning into a zombie himself. That, and he’s carrying around emotional baggage that comes with his violent past. (He seriously needs to hit up the company for a chill pill.)

Curiously, Devil’s Playground was introduced to the Brits in six different one-sheets and DVD covers, the seventh being the U.S. poster at the top of this extremely well-written blawg. Not sure why they do that, as it just ends up confusing everyone. Not me, but someone. Outside of the U.S. version, none of the other ad materials are that compelling. In fact, you wouldn’t know it was a zombie movie unless your mother told you. (Thanks, mom!)

There’s also another movie called Devil’s Playground, which came out in 2002. No zombies in it, but ironically just some horny Amish teenagers who get a taste for city flesh, if you get my drift. I’ll have to put that on my Movies To Never Watch list.

Human Centipede II (Last Sequence). That’s a Mouthful.

The Human Centipede (First Sequence), released in 2010, was a heartwarming tail, uh, tale of a mad doctor who sewed people’s pie holes to other people’s pie recyclers, thereby creating a unified gastronomical feeding delivery system. Eewww and ick are butt, uh, but two out of 97 reactions that come to mind.

The movie itself wasn’t nearly as graphic as the premise suggested, though it got more word of mouth (sorry) than any other horror movie in recent history. And even though it tanked (budget: €1.5 million, box office: €187,000), The Human Centipede (First Sequence) is getting a sequel: The Human Centipede II (Last Sequence), featuring 12 people daisy-chained together in a manner unbefitting of a PG rating.

 

The new one-sheet for The Human Centipede II (Last Sequence) is pretty clever and icky at the same time. The Leggo’d bodies form what looks to be a large naked centipede. While I can’t be certain, it looks like my ex is in that pile. Even if it isn’t, that sounds like something she’d do.

The biggest complaint of the first movie was that it suggested ickiness, but didn’t show it. Not that anyone needed to see the surgical process up close and personal. But I would’ve liked the option.

If it can get past the censors, The Human Centipede II (Last Sequence) looks to hook you up sometime soon.

Mold – It’s Good For Every Body

Mold, that black gunk growing in your shower’s neglected corners may be kinda cool on a Goth/emo level, but it’s actually not good for you, causing lung-busting respiratory problems and sneezing a’plenty. Pity – it has nice speckled patterns and, when served with freezer cheese, isn’t half bad. (Pairs nicely with a multi-grain bread or a cocktail party cracker.)

So what does one do with mold if you’re not eating/bathing in it? Make a horror movie, of course. Mold!, a new indie genre flick, is set in 1984. A strain of mold is cooked up by the U.S. government to wipe out Colombian coca fields (isn’t that where they make Coca Cola™?). But like all things backed by the U.S. government, the fungus among us goes wild and wipes out humans.

I haven’t seen the movie yet (it’s hoped that it’ll be released in time for Halloween, 2011), but I can only cross my fingers that the mold will eat the clothing off supermodels and cover your party cheese with black festering goodness.

Zombcon 2011

If you’re not sick of zombies yet, you can indulge your taste for flesh at Zombcon 2011, a convention all things zombie, being held in Seattle, October 2011. That’s 10.92 miles from my door to theirs at the SeaTac Hilton, a three-star hotel across the street from the airport. I’d give ’em four stars, but I found the fact they’d let someone like me into their lobby bar shows severe lack of judgment on their part.

Screenings, celebrities, vendors, props, costumes, autograph sessions, parties, live music with people dancing poorly, dead skin appetizers…Zombcon 2011 seems to have all the fan bases covered.

Zombcon 2011’s guests are impressive, ranging from horror convention perennials Sid Haig and Bill Moseley (House of 1000 Corpses, The Devil’s Rejects), to special FX icon Tom Savini, actors from AMC’s astonishing The Walking Dead, and more zombie graphic novel artists, writers, authors and buskers than you can shake a rotted finger at.

Of the numerous celebrity highlights, two legends in the zombie universe include George A. Romero, the father of zombie movies (although he’s probably more a granddad these days), and horror’s first scream queen, Judith O’Dea, aka, Barbara in Night of the Living Dead (1968). So identified with this undying genre, she should add a “d” to the end of her last name. (C’mon, that was funny. Don’t look at me that way.)

Tickets to the three-day Oct. 21, 22 and 23 gathering cost anywhere from $12 (single day passes), to a $129 priority Zombie Pass, a $250 all access Weekend Warrior Pass, and the coveted Ultimate Weekend Survivor Pass for $499, which includes George A. Romero casting you as the lead in his next zombie movie. That, of course, is a dirty rotten lie. You probably get to visit the movie set and clean up after the zombies.

Click HERE to get your dead on.