Oak Swamp Monsters Need Your Help

The genetically-altered creatures of Oak Swamp want you. Not to eat (that’ll come later), but to financially assist their existence. The filmmakers behind The Legend of Oak Swamp & Mysteries of Ironwood, a new independent sci-fi/horror movie-in-the-making, are reaching out to the public in their quest to bankroll the film’s completion. Here’s the kicker – they need a heckuva lot less than most major movie studios pay for monthly parking.

The synopsis: 1954. Lost in a vast southern swamp. Three children discover a blood thirsty beast engineered by WWII military experiments gone wrong. Now the children must seek safety without leading the beast to those searching for them.

The plot doesn’t say much, but the concept art tells me that this is one talented team of people doing their best to make the kinds of monsters I wanna see eat humans. In fact, you can’t look at the pictures and tell the creatures weren’t done for less than one million green smacks. Better yet, click HERE to go to their highly-professional website and watch the trailer. Have a moist towelette standing by, as you’ll involuntarily drool.

So how can you help this movie come to life? If you have any green smacks laying around, you can go online to a special site set up for cash donations. There are eight levels of investing, from the $25 minimum donation, to the $12,500 level, which gets you an associate producer credit and a ton of other stuff. I would only ask that if I can cough up that kind of scratch, that they put me in the movie as either the first victim, or one of the background monsters who acts menacingly to humans. Hey, I’ve had a LOT of practice. Just ask my neighbors.

The producers need less than $20,000 to bring this baby home. In movie dollar terms, that’s hardly a genetically-altered mosquito bite. Simply click HERE to make monsters happen. People, we need this. Sell your own blood if you have to. Heck, I’ll even sell your blood for you.

The Legend of Oak Swamp & Mysteries of Ironwood. Yes, we can.

 

I Saw 3D

I always get so giddy when a new Saw movie comes out. Something about the begging screams, flesh splitting like hot pineapple, and those wicked traps… Christmas should be so rewarding.

Saw 3D, supposedly the final installment in the mega-profitable franchise, still delivers the goods, but left me scratching the part of my noggin my homemade Saw head trap didn’t cover.

The confusing part began with the very first scene, with two guys locked into a buzz saw contraption while the girl they romantically felt up, dangled overhead. This was done in a glass store front, where shoppers and YouTube’rs alike could watch the action go down. Seemed to me highly unrealistic to set up a Saw trap there instead of the normal dirty warehouse. Just the logistics alone make it astronomically improbable, and therefore unbelievable. The rest I had no problem with.

From there the plot hits the gas and doesn’t stop for pedestrians, racing through a pile of unresolved issues. Of the remaining traps, though, only two are worthy of Saw’s legacy. The rest seemed kinda “meh” and uninspired. (A simple hanging, a basic eye-gouging and an all-purpose flesh-roasting, which we already saw in Saw II, 2005).

The plot’s been streamlined, having Hoffman, Jigsaw’s cop-turned disciple, going after the mastermind’s wife, for double-crossing him and putting into his face into one of the traps. He gets out, but not without ripping through his cheek from grin to ear. Hoffman proves to be a worthy mastermind himself, easily outsmarting the police to get to the hot widow, even through a barricade of protective custody. (There are more neck stabs in two minutes than in any South of the Border social club.)

A guy who pretended to be one of Jigsaw’s captives, is making a fortune from the talk show circuit and book sales. Time to get Jiggy wid’ him. There are a painful series of tasks for him to complete before he can free his wife from the rotisserie. Lucky for us, he fails at all of them.

The money shot, though, is the return of Doctor Gordon, who we saw saw (heh) his foot off in the original movie back in 2003. (I just love saying “saw.”) Even though he was only in one flick, turns out he’s been with us all along. That in itself begs more scratching, but it was a nice way to tie the loose ends. As with all Saw movies, they gang-rush the story line in the last several minutes, so if you blink, you’re gonna get lost.

And the 3D? Certainly, severed bodies, torn limbs and exploding facial expressions benefit from such technology. But for the extra price, I could’ve done with out it. Mostly because I kept trying to wipe Jigsaw’s wife’s face off my own, only to find there was nothing on there except a little spit and hot dog mustard.

I can see where the critics are gonna saw this one a new A-hole, what with the formulaic plot, flat characters (except Hoffman, that guy’s a peach) and the lackluster traps. And truthfully, even with the novelty of being shown in three dimensions, Saw 3D is the weakest of the bunch. But any day with a new Saw movie is a good day.

Stripperland: Zombie Strippers

Stripperland, a new indie horror comedy, is the exotic dancing undead version of Zombieland. I could stop right here, as that should be enough to send your car crashing into the video store to rent the movie before anyone else. (Note to State Farm™: I’ll have the “accident” report sent over as soon as the cops take these bleepin’ handcuffs off.)

In case you need more background (why?), man-munching strippers have lap-danced nearly all of humanity into a noticeable wet stain. What few survivors remain make their way for the West Coast. (Note to survivors: I live out here. Keep moving. Along the way, scores of skin-lickers descend upon them like someone with a bunch of ones in their pocket.

Stripperland co-stars Gilbert Gottfried (please Zombie God, devour him first), and Daniel Baldwin, the least annoying of the Baldwin clan. Other cast members include strippers with first-names only.

Of all of the photos I looked at on their website (click HERE), I saw a lot of topped tops, but no topless tops. This better not be a clever way to get me to cough up movie rental money. If you’re gonna invoke the almighty “stripper” word, there better be some top droppin’. The zombie part I could care less about when stacked (sorry) up against exposed shirt stuffers. I’m sorry, but I have my priorites straight.

Zombie Women of Satan

It comes down to this: Are you more afraid of zombies, Satan, or bare female boobies? If you said yes to all three, probably best to move to Utah and wear sweaters. If you embrace (or at least aren’t bothered/offended by) the undead, the ultimate evil, and/or the ultimate blouse accessory, then Zombie Women of Satan, a new independent British horror comedy, should be right up your skirt.

Arriving in the States on March 15, 2011 (not sure of the time of day, maybe sometime after lunch), Zombie Women of Satan is being released by Screen Media Films. Go write that down. As for the plot, it straddles the fence of genius and knucklehead with such balance, you’re kinda surprised it hasn’t been done before. Here’s something to salivate or pray for your immortal soul over…

A bunch of female bra-allergic cabaret performers are part of a traveling show of burlesque/comedy troupe called Flesharama. (Great name, as it says so much.) The gals travel to a remote farm for an online TV interview. This is convenient as one of the girls lost her sister in the same area, so them being there pretty much kills two birds with one script.

The farm is owned and operated by an evil cult (no, not Mormons, but close), who capture the girls and perform “torturous experiments” on them, which somehow turns the girls into the nearly-naked undead. They even throw in a zombie chick in a wheelchair! Classic, I tell you.

The movie promises LOTS of nakedness, glistening entrails and slip-n-slide blood baths. I’m not seeing a downside to any of this. For more information, an R rated trailer (which fulfills the promise), and revealing photos, visit their website HERE. The splash page will ask for age verification. Do NOT attempt to lie to the internet, for the internet, like Satan, knows where you live. (see “Google Map” and “Google 7th Layer of Hell”)

Zombie Women of Satan is exactly the movie the SuicideGirls should’ve made instead of that brain-numbing excuse of a strip show, SuicideGirls Must Die! (2010). Still, naked is as naked does. But it’s nice to have an actual plot every once in a while.

Horror Radio

Back in the day, your grandparents would gather together in the sitting room (these days referred to as the “living room”) and stare at a radio for entertainment. Sounds, um, fun as this was their version of the TV. Plays, music, news, singing commercials and sports were all young grandpa and grandma needed, using only their minds to provide the visuals. Later, they walked to the store 30 miles in the snow. For some reason, all our grandparents did that.

Now you can relive their glory days with Tales From Beyond The Pale, a cool new twist on those old radio plays. Only difference is you don’t need a $10 radio to hear these thrilling horror stories done in the style of yesteryear, but rather an expensive computer, an internet connection, and a credit card. Hey, we roll large in the future.

Voiced by some of today’s horror genre stars, these sound effects-driven stories play out each week in half-hour segments, all for the low price of $1.99 each ($20 for the whole series). Pretty cool. And you don’t have to walk 30 miles in any kind of weather to get ’em; just click HERE to go to their retro groovy website, plop down the plastic and go back to a time when looking at a radio was considered fun.

 

Alien Anthology: Wallet-Hugger

You know what sucks more than having an alien face-hugger suck your face off? Technology. Sure, there are benefits to technology, like being able to change TV channels without getting off the couch. But that’s all I can think of right now.

No, the suck technology I’m talking about is hi-def Blu-ray™ DVD discs. With the release of Alien Anthology, a whompin’ package containing two versions of each Alien movie, a billion photos, and bunch of other stuff I’m either too lazy to type or cut ’n paste off someone else’s website, I now have to shell out $139.99 because Alien Quadrilogy, the complete box set I purchased back in 2003, looks like alien goo spit in comparison. Dammit.

There’s ridiculous amounts of add-ons, so much so, you couldn’t watch all of it in an entire week of laying on the aforementioned couch in one’s underwear while sipping refreshing Budweiser with pinky extended. Like I said, too lazy to cut ’n paste, so click HERE to see Amazon.com’s laundry list. (By the way, purchase it from them and the set will only cost $89.99. Only – ha.)

I’m just as much a fan of the Alien franchise as anyone, and even wrote a romantic letter to Ellen Ripley, Alien’s iconic hottie who kicked the Queen Alien’s ass back in 1986. (She may not have gotten it as I addressed it c/o outer space and didn’t include a zip code.) But the point is, now I won’t be able to give Alien Quadrilogy away as it’s stinking of Fred Flintstone technology. I feel so Netscape 3 right now.

Time to dress in dirty clothes and go stand out by the freeway on-ramp with a sign that says, “Help – Need AA!” (Meaning Alien Anthology, of course.) Surely, the public will know that and lend a poor sci-fan a few bucks.)

 

Case 39: Hell Is For Children

Emily, a bleeding heart social worker, saves Lillith, a 10 year-old girl from being roasted alive in an oven by her parents. That was her first mistake. She petitions to become the little girl’s a temporary guardian after the parents are thrown into a mental care facility (prison). Lillith isn’t the broken flower she’s pretending to be. A late night call to a schoolmate has the boy uncontrollably bashing his sleeping parent’s heads in with a crowbar. I seriously doubt any detergent will be able to get the bloodstains out of those pillow cases.

Lillith, demonstrating acute intuition, out maneuvers a male social worker, and gets him to confess his worst fear. As a kid he was traumatized by bees. (Wuss.) Later that night, he pulls a live bee out of his ear. Removing it with a Q-Tip™ and just shy of needing to take a shower (if you get my drift), the man is attacked by more bees, some crawling out of his nose, eye and probably that exit-only door ’round back. Job opening the next day at the office.

As she pieces the little girl’s backstory together, Emily discover the parents weren’t crazy after all, and that she’s now in some deep demonic doo. Returning to Lillith’s house she finds a pre-dug hole in the basement, about the size of a little girl. There are industrial-strength bolts on the inside of her parent’s bedroom. Apparently, they wanted to keep Lillith out. I’ll say—once you find out why, you’ll do exactly what Emily did, which was go buy industrial strength bolts for her bedroom as well.

Visiting dad in prison, Emily learns Lillith’s f’d up secret. And she knows what she has to do. The kid is getting too big for an oven, so better to turn the entire house into a char-broiler after knocking Lillith out with sleeping pills. I would’ve knocked her out with a crowbar. During the escalating terror, Lillith reveals she knows about Emily’s own parental troubles, which sets up a tense confrontation while driving down the highway at speeds I always get a ticket for. (Maybe I should try that on an actual highway instead of a school zone.)

Lillith is exceptionally creepy and out-evils that kid in The Omen (1976). I’d even go as far as to say she could be Hell’s new corporate spokesperson. Case 39 is delightfully harsh, and hits you over the head like something you’d use to change a tire. And I mean that in a good way.

The one-sheet for Case 39 seems oddly familiar, though. Can’t quite seem to put my finger on it…

The Frankenstein Syndrome

Scientists, seeking to breathe life back into a dead body, have been stepping up to play God every since Dr. Frankenstein attempted it back in 1931. Their efforts, while hit-and-miss impressive, still keep coming up short, which is why we have zombies today. Bringing someone back from the dead and expecting them to be just like they were before they died is like hoping the next batch of Jell-O™ will finally taste good, no matter how many times you’ve made it before. (Science will tell you it can’t be done.)

The Frankenstein Syndrome, a new science horror movie arriving soon (between now and 2011), looks to further flip the coin on ethical and moral issues by successfully inventing a serum that can bring a dead person back to life. Only one question remains: is there truly room for Jell-O™?

The Frankenstein Syndrome centers around a super secret research group working in stem-cell futures. Attempting to distill a healing lotion/potion, the scientists, lead by the always sexy Tiffany Shepis (who looks as hot in a lab coat almost as she does, say, on a beach in a string bikini), stop short of utilizing Tiffany’s miracle gunk that can bring the dead back to life. Unfortunately, they go ahead anyway, only to end up with science-gone-whoops results. Told’ja. If the trailer is any indication, The Frankenstein Syndrome might have what it takes to breathe life back into an age-worn horror formula.

The Frankenstein Syndrome bears only title similarity to the 1995 Cambridge studies and philosophy book surrounding the genetic tinkering of animals, as opposed to humans. The book was written by Bernard E. Rollin, who may or may not have used zombies as research material. To do so would have been morally wrong.

 

Paranormal Activity 2

If Paranormal Activity (2009) didn’t scare the sheet off/outta you, maybe the sequel will. A near-genius plot continuation that underlaps the story of the young upscale couple who were dogged by one hell of an entity. This one centers around a man and his young wife, a new baby boy, a 14 year-old from a previous marriage, a Latino housemaid, and a German Shepherd. Only thing missing is a fridge full of Jagermeister™, a box of dog biscuits, and some limes, you know, for squeezing and such. And there’s also one helluva ghost.

The wife’s sister is the gal from the first movie, the one with the big ghost busters. In just snippets of dialogue we learn that the women had some paranormal doo doo go down when they were kids. Guess whose back to test the stain-resistant properties of those $200 Percale™ 50/50 cotton/poly blends bed linens?

The scares commence after the family comes home to find their upper middle-class Southern California home looking like it was turned upside down. Think of it as reverse housekeeping. This prompts dad to install security cameras all over the house, inside and out, documenting a possessed robo pool cleaner and the dog trying to get into the basement, because something’s in there besides safe oily rags, paint cans and scented candles. And here’s where the  thumps, bumps, and jumps earn their movie ticket price.

The mutt, kid and maid all sense EVIL in the house. Strange paranormal doo doo ramps up over the course of three weeks, culminating with mom being yanked around the house by an invisible yanker. The daughter, who looked up demon possession on the internet, is convinced her great-great grandmother made a pact with the Devil™ for financial security, the cost of which is the soul of the first-born male son. Well hey—the family just had a kid, so account paid. This revelation sets up Paranormal Activity 3: You Just Crapped Your Pants.

A few solid scares produces solid personal results, although the anticipation of something about to happen is the juicy stuff. The end sequence, which ties the first movie to this one (and quite nicely), is the money shot, though. I’d tell you, but then you might not throw down some green to be turned white. And to think they managed all of this with little more than demonic sound and hell lighting.

Here all this time I thought Southern California was about as scary as $200 sheets.

Heavy Metal Werewolf

Garo is a golden metal werewolf, but his non-werewolf name is Kouga Saejima. Garo is easier to spell. His job isn’t easy, though. Having the chick-attracting ability to morph into a mega-powerful gold-armored warrior, Garo leads the Makai Knights, who have been kicking demons in the sac for hundreds of years. And for that, I thank him. (I totally heart you, Garo!) Like hangovers, these demonic manifestations are called Horrors. They go around doing evil stuff, which you pretty much have to do if you call yourself Horrors. It’s in the job description.

Garo gets wind of seven even more evil demons coming to town. They call themselves Apostle Horrors. That’s kinda neat. Garo needs to hunt them down like the demon dogs they are and kick ’em right in the apostle sac. But he’ll need the help of Makai Priests, one of whom has a revenge agenda. Yeah, it’s a chick priest, so you get a reference point as to the mood swing deal. (This sub-plot better not get in the way of some serious sac-kicking.)

Garo the Movie 3D: Red Requiem, is based on the Japanese TV series that aired way back in time, around the year 2005. Besides having a clunky title, the movie boasts some killer battle scenes and special effects. (I saw the trailer on YouTube™ in case you were wondering out loud.) If you’re gonna put a golden warrior heavy metal werewolf in a movie, the plot would best be served if it wasn’t dialogue driven.

Garo the Movie 3D: Red Requiem comes out in Japan on October 30, 2010. I plan on being there opening night, provided some airline gives me a free ride, hooks me up with a sweet hotel (with mini bar privileges), and a taxi to and from the movie theater. I’ll handle the generous .50 cent tipping action. So e-mail me your address and I’ll send you a postcard. (OK, I probably won’t.)