Archive for October, 2010

Oak Swamp Monsters Need Your Help

Posted in Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , on October 31, 2010 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Oak Swamp MysteriesThe genetically-altered creatures of Oak Swamp want you. Not to eat (that’ll come later), but to financially assist their existence. The filmmakers behind The Legend of Oak Swamp & Mysteries of Ironwood, a new independent sci-fi/horror movie-in-the-making, are reaching out to the public in their quest to bankroll the film’s completion. Here’s the kicker – they need a heckuva lot less than most major movie studios pay for monthly parking.

The synopsis: 1954. Lost in a vast southern swamp. Three children discover a blood thirsty beast engineered by WWII military experiments gone wrong. Now the children must seek safety without leading the beast to those searching for them.

Oak Swamp Mysteries The plot doesn’t say much, but the concept art tells me that this is one talented team of people doing their best to make the kinds of monsters I wanna see eat humans. In fact, you can’t look at the pictures and tell the creatures weren’t done for less than one million green smacks. Better yet, click HERE to go to their highly-professional website and watch the trailer. Have a moist towelette standing by, as you’ll involuntarily drool.

Oak Swamp MysteriesSo how can you help this movie come to life? If you have any green smacks laying around, you can go online to a special site set up for cash donations. There are eight levels of investing, from the $25 minimum donation, to the $12,500 level, which gets you an associate producer credit and a ton of other stuff. I would only ask that if I can cough up that kind of scratch, that they put me in the movie as either the first victim, or one of the background monsters who acts menacingly to humans. Hey, I’ve had a LOT of practice. Just ask my neighbors.

The producers need less than $20,000 to bring this baby home. In movie dollar terms, that’s hardly a genetically-altered mosquito bite. Simply click HERE to make monsters happen. People, we need this. Sell your own blood if you have to. Heck, I’ll even sell your blood for you.

The Legend of Oak Swamp & Mysteries of Ironwood. Yes, we can.

 

I Saw 3D

Posted in Misc. Horror with tags on October 30, 2010 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Saw 3DI always get so giddy when a new Saw movie comes out. Something about the begging screams, flesh splitting like hot pineapple, and those wicked traps… Christmas should be so rewarding.

Saw 3D, supposedly the final installment in the mega-profitable franchise, still delivers the goods, but left me scratching the part of my noggin my homemade Saw head trap didn’t cover.

The confusing part began with the very first scene, with two guys locked into a buzz saw contraption while the girl they romantically felt up, dangled overhead. This was done in a glass store front, where shoppers and YouTube’rs alike could watch the action go down. Seemed to me highly unrealistic to set up a Saw trap there instead of the normal dirty warehouse. Just the logistics alone make it astronomically improbable, and therefore unbelievable. The rest I had no problem with.

From there the plot hits the gas and doesn’t stop for pedestrians, racing through a pile of unresolved issues. Of the remaining traps, though, only two are worthy of Saw’s legacy. The rest seemed kinda “meh” and uninspired. (A simple hanging, a basic eye-gouging and an all-purpose flesh-roasting, which we already saw in Saw II, 2005).

Saw 3D The plot’s been streamlined, having Hoffman, Jigsaw’s cop-turned disciple, going after the mastermind’s wife, for double-crossing him and putting into his face into one of the traps. He gets out, but not without ripping through his cheek from grin to ear. Hoffman proves to be a worthy mastermind himself, easily outsmarting the police to get to the hot widow, even through a barricade of protective custody. (There are more neck stabs in two minutes than in any South of the Border social club.)

A guy who pretended to be one of Jigsaw’s captives, is making a fortune from the talk show circuit and book sales. Time to get Jiggy wid’ him. There are a painful series of tasks for him to complete before he can free his wife from the rotisserie. Lucky for us, he fails at all of them.

The money shot, though, is the return of Doctor Gordon, who we saw saw (heh) his foot off in the original movie back in 2003. (I just love saying “saw.”) Even though he was only in one flick, turns out he’s been with us all along. That in itself begs more scratching, but it was a nice way to tie the loose ends. As with all Saw movies, they gang-rush the story line in the last several minutes, so if you blink, you’re gonna get lost.

Saw 3DAnd the 3D? Certainly, severed bodies, torn limbs and exploding facial expressions benefit from such technology. But for the extra price, I could’ve done with out it. Mostly because I kept trying to wipe Jigsaw’s wife’s face off my own, only to find there was nothing on there except a little spit and hot dog mustard.

I can see where the critics are gonna saw this one a new A-hole, what with the formulaic plot, flat characters (except Hoffman, that guy’s a peach) and the lackluster traps. And truthfully, even with the novelty of being shown in three dimensions, Saw 3D is the weakest of the bunch. But any day with a new Saw movie is a good day.

Stripperland: Zombie Strippers

Posted in Zombies with tags on October 29, 2010 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

StripperlandStripperland, a new indie horror comedy, is the exotic dancing undead version of Zombieland. I could stop right here, as that should be enough to send your car crashing into the video store to rent the movie before anyone else. (Note to State Farm™: I’ll have the “accident” report sent over as soon as the cops take these bleepin’ handcuffs off.)

Stripperland In case you need more background (why?), man-munching strippers have lap-danced nearly all of humanity into a noticeable wet stain. What few survivors remain make their way for the West Coast. (Note to survivors: I live out here. Keep moving. Along the way, scores of skin-lickers descend upon them like someone with a bunch of ones in their pocket.

StripperlandStripperland co-stars Gilbert Gottfried (please Zombie God, devour him first), and Daniel Baldwin, the least annoying of the Baldwin clan. Other cast members include strippers with first-names only.

Of all of the photos I looked at on their website (click HERE), I saw a lot of topped tops, but no topless tops. This better not be a clever way to get me to cough up movie rental money. If you’re gonna invoke the almighty “stripper” word, there better be some top droppin’. The zombie part I could care less about when stacked (sorry) up against exposed shirt stuffers. I’m sorry, but I have my priorites straight.

Stripperland

Zombie Women of Satan

Posted in Evil, Scream Queens, Zombies with tags , , on October 28, 2010 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Zombie Women of SatanIt comes down to this: Are you more afraid of zombies, Satan, or bare female boobies? If you said yes to all three, probably best to move to Utah and wear sweaters. If you embrace (or at least aren’t bothered/offended by) the undead, the ultimate evil, and/or the ultimate blouse accessory, then Zombie Women of Satan, a new independent British horror comedy, should be right up your skirt.

Arriving in the States on March 15, 2011 (not sure of the time of day, maybe sometime after lunch), Zombie Women of Satan is being released by Screen Media Films. Go write that down. As for the plot, it straddles the fence of genius and knucklehead with such balance, you’re kinda surprised it hasn’t been done before. Here’s something to salivate or pray for your immortal soul over…

Zombie Women of SatanA bunch of female bra-allergic cabaret performers are part of a traveling show of burlesque/comedy troupe called Flesharama. (Great name, as it says so much.) The gals travel to a remote farm for an online TV interview. This is convenient as one of the girls lost her sister in the same area, so them being there pretty much kills two birds with one script.

Zombie Women of SatanThe farm is owned and operated by an evil cult (no, not Mormons, but close), who capture the girls and perform “torturous experiments” on them, which somehow turns the girls into the nearly-naked undead. They even throw in a zombie chick in a wheelchair! Classic, I tell you.

The movie promises LOTS of nakedness, glistening entrails and slip-n-slide blood baths. I’m not seeing a downside to any of this. For more information, an R rated trailer (which fulfills the promise), and revealing photos, visit their website HERE. The splash page will ask for age verification. Do NOT attempt to lie to the internet, for the internet, like Satan, knows where you live. (see “Google Map” and “Google 7th Layer of Hell”)

Zombie Women of SatanZombie Women of Satan is exactly the movie the SuicideGirls should’ve made instead of that brain-numbing excuse of a strip show, SuicideGirls Must Die! (2010). Still, naked is as naked does. But it’s nice to have an actual plot every once in a while.

Horror Radio

Posted in Classic Horror with tags on October 27, 2010 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Tales From Beyond The PaleBack in the day, your grandparents would gather together in the sitting room (these days referred to as the “living room”) and stare at a radio for entertainment. Sounds, um, fun as this was their version of the TV. Plays, music, news, singing commercials and sports were all young grandpa and grandma needed, using only their minds to provide the visuals. Later, they walked to the store 30 miles in the snow. For some reason, all our grandparents did that.

Now you can relive their glory days with Tales From Beyond The Pale, a cool new twist on those old radio plays. Only difference is you don’t need a $10 radio to hear these thrilling horror stories done in the style of yesteryear, but rather an expensive computer, an internet connection, and a credit card. Hey, we roll large in the future.

Tales From Beyond The PaleVoiced by some of today’s horror genre stars, these sound effects-driven stories play out each week in half-hour segments, all for the low price of $1.99 each ($20 for the whole series). Pretty cool. And you don’t have to walk 30 miles in any kind of weather to get ’em; just click HERE to go to their retro groovy website, plop down the plastic and go back to a time when looking at a radio was considered fun.

 

Alien Anthology: Wallet-Hugger

Posted in Science Fiction with tags on October 26, 2010 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Alien AnthologyYou know what sucks more than having an alien face-hugger suck your face off? Technology. Sure, there are benefits to technology, like being able to change TV channels without getting off the couch. But that’s all I can think of right now.

No, the suck technology I’m talking about is hi-def Blu-ray™ DVD discs. With the release of Alien Anthology, a whompin’ package containing two versions of each Alien movie, a billion photos, and bunch of other stuff I’m either too lazy to type or cut ’n paste off someone else’s website, I now have to shell out $139.99 because Alien Quadrilogy, the complete box set I purchased back in 2003, looks like alien goo spit in comparison. Dammit.

Alien Anthology There’s ridiculous amounts of add-ons, so much so, you couldn’t watch all of it in an entire week of laying on the aforementioned couch in one’s underwear while sipping refreshing Budweiser with pinky extended. Like I said, too lazy to cut ’n paste, so click HERE to see Amazon.com’s laundry list. (By the way, purchase it from them and the set will only cost $89.99. Only – ha.)

Ripley I’m just as much a fan of the Alien franchise as anyone, and even wrote a romantic letter to Ellen Ripley, Alien’s iconic hottie who kicked the Queen Alien’s ass back in 1986. (She may not have gotten it as I addressed it c/o outer space and didn’t include a zip code.) But the point is, now I won’t be able to give Alien Quadrilogy away as it’s stinking of Fred Flintstone technology. I feel so Netscape 3 right now.

Time to dress in dirty clothes and go stand out by the freeway on-ramp with a sign that says, “Help – Need AA!” (Meaning Alien Anthology, of course.) Surely, the public will know that and lend a poor sci-fan a few bucks.)

 

Case 39: Hell Is For Children

Posted in Evil with tags on October 25, 2010 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Case 39Emily, a bleeding heart social worker, saves Lillith, a 10 year-old girl from being roasted alive in an oven by her parents. That was her first mistake. She petitions to become the little girl’s a temporary guardian after the parents are thrown into a mental care facility (prison). Lillith isn’t the broken flower she’s pretending to be. A late night call to a schoolmate has the boy uncontrollably bashing his sleeping parent’s heads in with a crowbar. I seriously doubt any detergent will be able to get the bloodstains out of those pillow cases.

Lillith, demonstrating acute intuition, out maneuvers a male social worker, and gets him to confess his worst fear. As a kid he was traumatized by bees. (Wuss.) Later that night, he pulls a live bee out of his ear. Removing it with a Q-Tip™ and just shy of needing to take a shower (if you get my drift), the man is attacked by more bees, some crawling out of his nose, eye and probably that exit-only door ’round back. Job opening the next day at the office.

Case 39

As she pieces the little girl’s backstory together, Emily discover the parents weren’t crazy after all, and that she’s now in some deep demonic doo. Returning to Lillith’s house she finds a pre-dug hole in the basement, about the size of a little girl. There are industrial-strength bolts on the inside of her parent’s bedroom. Apparently, they wanted to keep Lillith out. I’ll say—once you find out why, you’ll do exactly what Emily did, which was go buy industrial strength bolts for her bedroom as well.

Visiting dad in prison, Emily learns Lillith’s f’d up secret. And she knows what she has to do. The kid is getting too big for an oven, so better to turn the entire house into a char-broiler after knocking Lillith out with sleeping pills. I would’ve knocked her out with a crowbar. During the escalating terror, Lillith reveals she knows about Emily’s own parental troubles, which sets up a tense confrontation while driving down the highway at speeds I always get a ticket for. (Maybe I should try that on an actual highway instead of a school zone.)

Lillith is exceptionally creepy and out-evils that kid in The Omen (1976). I’d even go as far as to say she could be Hell’s new corporate spokesperson. Case 39 is delightfully harsh, and hits you over the head like something you’d use to change a tire. And I mean that in a good way.

Case 39The one-sheet for Case 39 seems oddly familiar, though. Can’t quite seem to put my finger on it…