Notzilla: Seems Oddly Familiar

“1964 – A strange red egg, shaken loose by atomic testing, hatches Notzilla, an immense, fire-breathing dinosaur with a penchant for beer. Only brilliant, young American scientist Dr. Dick Harvard, can stop him with his atomic molecule blaster. But then things go awry. Meanwhile, Notzilla is partying hard.”

OK, who the hell made a movie about me?

Notzilla isn’t actually a movie, but rather an enjoyable faux trailer that spoofs you know who. (Don’t say Dracula, you bonehead.) Made by Moriah Media in Cinncinnati, home of killer tartar sauce (bet you didn’t think you’d learn anything new today), Notzilla is really a sales pitch to potential investors to get the happy thing turned into a full-fledged moving picture show. Click HERE to see it.

I’d donate, but I feel like I’ve been living this movie for the past 25 years. They can use my likeness, though. There are a TON of drunk and disorderly photos of me all over the Internet. (See photo below of me being 86’d from yet another booze cruise.)

P.S. Notzilla sketch courtesy of UndeadbackBrain.com.

Haunted – The Way A Home Should Be

You’d think having a haunted house would be one of those cool amenities that would drive a better Zillow™ rating when selling your home. At the very least, having a ghost all up in your attic would preclude you having to entice prospective buyers by mowing the lawn, painting or doing any exorcising.

In Haunted 3D (India’s first stereoscopic 3D film), Glen Manor, a haunted mansion conveniently located in the mountains of Koti, is up for sale. (I don’t know where the mountains of Koti are.) The manor’s secret past is why the thing is being ghosted in the present. What ev. But the 40 room joint does have a separate garage and a finished basement. Sweet!

Some guy named Rehan has to complete the sale in spite of the mysterious occurrences that keep scaring away potential buyers. The source of said mysterious occurrences is a ghost chick — and a hot one at that. So much so, Rehan (man, that’s a weird name), gets a screamin’ boner for this screamin’ skirt. He doesn’t care that she’s dead as that means she can’t get knocked up. Talk about the ultimate protection.

So if you’re in the market for a haunted house and don’t mind the occasional mysterious occurrence, now might be the best time to own Glen Manor. And it doesn’t hurt that current mortgage loan rates are low. As for the ghost, you’ll just have to sub-lease until she runs to the light. Or moves in with Rehan.

Thanks goes out to bloody-disgusting.com for the real estate advice.

Friday the 13th: Killer Clothes

A machete through the face. A harpoon turning you and your third base date into a human shish-kabob. A mummified decapitated head on a fine china dinner plate. Lovely scented candles arranged in an eye-pleasing manner. These, of course, are the iconic images from Friday the 13th made into a T-shirt screen print. And really, who wouldn’t want a mummified decapitated head on a dinner plate as a fashion choice?

On May 1st, 2011, you can get one of these “goes with anything” Friday the 13th Part 2 30th Anniversary Edition shirt. It’ll cost you $39.95. But before that amount causes you to gouge your eye out with an arrow and/or butter knife (tell me you got the reference), here’s what else you get besides the 10-color shirt: a full-color 11 x 17 mini-poster printed on 80# glossy stock, which comes in a collectible box. Even more: vintage memorabilia from 1981 (stills, lobby cards, etc) will be randomly inserted into some orders. You’re drooling, aren’t you? Snap out of it, as you’ll need to be on your game to get one of these packages, which are limited to 200 pieces. This is good and bad. Good because you don’t wanna see just anyone wearing this shirt. Bad because someone else feels the same way about you.

You can order the shirt from Creepy Tees by clicking HERE. (Plan on spending at least a jillion – they have a ton of horror movie T-shirts, all of which you pretty much have to have.

I know you’re not supposed to wear T-shirts tucked in with a belt for fear of public scorn and ridicule, but how about a nice pair of Earth shoes and some corduroy pants to really make a bold fashion statement?

Corporate Vampire

With the possible exception of the Invisible Man, vampires have always been the most fashion conscious of all creatures of the night. Where Frankenstein’s Monster dresses like a gas station attendant and Wolf Man prefers to go commando, it’s your everyday vampire who remains the most stylish, what with clean pressed suits, satin-lined capes and anti-flea bite wrap-around collars that scream “invite me to your next box social.”

But Dracula dons a different white collar in the upcoming Corporate Vampire, going to work in a smart Tommy Hilfiger black plaid suit augmented with a Cotswold red silk tie, a Joseph Abboud white dress shirt, and Florsheim black shoes. And before you scream fashion foul, Drac also comes accessorized with a black leather belt made from the skin of the living.

Other than that, I don’t know anything about Corporate Vampire other than it seems like an appropriate metaphor for greed-glutted Wall Street a**holes who have been sucking the working class dry as a happy hour beer. Here’s my take: Dracula gets a job at Goldman Sachs and has an uncanny sense of where the Stock Market is headed. As the moon rises, so does his portfolio. But Dracula would rather drain your neck as well as your bank account, and uses his wavy mind control beams to get your PIN number right before he makes a huge withdrawal from your blood bank.

Or the movie could be about something else entirely.

Frost Bite: Dawn of the Snow Zombies

Frost Bite is a great name for a zombie movie filmed in the snow, because the cold temperatures can give your dangling extremities the painful condition known as frostbite, as well as the snow zombies, who put the gore in Gortex™, can bite you, which is also painful. I don’t know why, but I love the dual meaning. Because of that, I proclaim Frost Bite to be excellent, even though I haven’t seen it.

Frost Bite was filmed in Alaska where there’s plenty of stunt frost. Once again zombies have taken over the world. A small group of survivors take refuge in a grocery store (smart – there’s beer and heavily-salted snack treats in there) and do battle against not only the frozen undead, but a gaggle of other survivors whose leader is a religious freak. This means trouble, much unhappiness and laws not being obeyed. (Where are the zombie cops when you need ’em?)

Though similar in name only, there are two other movies called Frost Bite…

FROST BITE (2005)
Billy has been accepted into the Pine Mountain Snowboarding Academy. But since he’s total hard-core and parties all night with chicks in hot tubs and wakes up in garbage cans, he somehow a moment of clarity and realizes he needs to pull it together or else he won’t have a rewarding career as a snow slacker. Frost Bite also stars porn legend Traci Lords, who possibly gets rad with one or more of the snow boarders.

FROST BITE (2006)
In a small town in Northern Sweden during the middle of winter when you have 30 days of night, vampires attack the living because there’s no daylight for a month, and since vampires are not allowed to go out in the light of day lest they go up like a piece of bacon in a microwave… If this sounds familiar (not the bacon part), it’s because it’s the same outline as 30 Days of Night (2007) where vampires descend on a small Alaska town and suck it silly.

I can’t wait for Frost Bite the zombie movie as I don’t like being in the snow, and this will allow me the experience without suffering from frostbite or zombie bites, neither of which are particularly good for your dangling extremities.

Zombie Baseball Cards

Zombie baseball cards. Why didn’t I think of that? Probably because I feel that pro wrestling is the ONLY sport that matters, and that stuff like football, baseball and hacky sack don’t qualify, if anything because opposing teams don’t bash each other in the face with folding metal chairs. How can you call it a sport if there are no folding metal chairs?

Jeremy Scheuch, the artist behind the zombie baseball cards, probably never had anyone smash his face in with a folding metal chair. That’s probably a good thing. Jeremy, who lives and works in Chicago, refers to his art as “pseudo-religious pop-political crap & zombies.” Right outta the gate, one in the win column. His bio says that he “loves unicorns, kittens, dolphins, rainbows, dinosaurs, Jesus and America.” Anybody who loves Jesus and dinosaurs in the same sentence is #1 in my book.

Check out more of Jeremy’s sporting zombies and piles of his other fantastic illustrations by clicking HERE.

And may Jesus bless you, a dinosaur never step on you, a zombie never bites you, and a folding metal chair never caves in your face during a one fall, no-holds barred elimination PPV match.

Color Coordinated Monsters

California artist Lou Ramano should work for Maybelline™ or Revlon™ because he’s got a knack for taking something ugly and making it beautiful. Example: Lou’s acrylic paint interpretations of 1987’s Monster Squad of Frankenstein’s Monster, Wolf Man, Mummy, Dracula and that “smells like fish ‘n chips” fellow, Creature (from the Black Lagoon™).

Part kitschy, part pop art and all talent, Lou’s eye for finding his subject’s inner beauty makes him an artist worth stalking on the internet. Check out more of his work on his blog by clicking HERE

So if you’re a reverse Dorian Gray and butt-ugly, but would still like a painted portrait of yourself, contact Lou and see if he’ll take on a commission piece. You could be immortalized right up there with the rotting undead but with bright and cheery colors.

Dinoshark Will Chew You Out

Dinoshark, the latest monster mammal mash-up, arrives on DVD/Blu-ray™ on April 26th, 2011. If you were lucky(!) enough to see it on the SyFy Channel™ a few months ago, you were treated to a “prehistoric eating machine” that looked like a whale turd with flippers and a gaping mouth lined with jagged teeth custom-made for tougher cuts of meat, like surfers, divers and tourists. For as many people as he ate, they should’ve call him “Dine-o-Shark.”

 Dinoshark hails from Antarctica. Not sure why. Maybe because penguin burgers taste better down there, unlike Hawaiian penguins who are loaded with preservatives and dripping in tanning oil. Heading to Mexico on vacation (just like his Facebook™ friend, Sharkotpus), D-Shark goes all spring break aggro on the beach crowd, which makes the water turn both yellow (fright pee) and red (death blood). I guess that would make the water kinda orange.

But long before there was Dinoshark, there was a similar monster shark thingamajig in 1979’s Up From The Depths. Like penguins, Depthy also came from Hawaii, and turned vacationers into beach lasagna. Then again, that’s his job.

The plot of Dinoshark is just as thin. But you don’t watch this stuff for Shakespearean dialogue, ambient lighting and anything remotely resembling a story line. Character development? Just gets in the way.  It’s like going to see rodeo clowns – they are not there to entertain us, they are there to be gored by bull horns. Same principal.

Next up for Dinoshark creator Roger Corman is Piranhaconda, a half piranha/half anaconda creature that eats beach-goers. Same plot, different monster. And yet I never seem to tire of it.

I’m really not a complex person.

House at the Edge of the Park II: Twice As Fun

Released to scathing reviews in 1980, House at the Edge of the Park, loaded with downright brutal violence, was arguably ground zero for torture porn. Alex and Ricky, two street thugs, manage to get themselves invited to a swingin’ party at a house. I think it was the one by the edge of the park. Things were going swimmingly before Alex, the thuggier of the two, lets his inner anger out and starts raping the girls, punching people in the living room, bedroom, kitchen, and tying people up and farting right on their faces. (That’s how I remembered it, anyway.) So uncomfortable was this movie to watch, even hardened criminals ended up crying after seeing it.

Critics ripped this one a new fart hole over its graphic depiction of violence, non-consensual sex and blatant misuse of flatulence. That was over 30 years ago. Now you can see that kind of content on the evening news every day of your gas-filled life.

So here comes House at the Edge of the Park II, a direct sequel, which centers on Ricky. (Alex was shot 18 times in the head and eventually died in the swimming pool. Bubbles and some red gunk came out of all the holes.) Here’s Ricky’s story:  “After thirty years at the mercy of a brutal Warden in Sing Sing prison, Ricky is released and returns to the old garage in New York City. Desperate for a place to belong, he falls in with a dangerous sociopath named The Poet and his blood thirsty girlfriend Muriel. But the memories of Ricky’s old friend Alex continue to haunt him.”

You can almost smell what happens next – a full-on violence jamboree. Seems kinda redundant in this day and age, although I had been wondering how Ricky’s been doing all these years. With House on the Edge of the Park II, it’ll be nice to get some closure.

Russian Zombies

With Russia now jumping onboard the zombie train, that just leaves international hubs Antarctica and the North Pole as being the only two superpowers left that haven’t done a living dead movie. This is good because I don’t think my heart could take a zombie penguin. Undead polar bear yes, but not Chilly Willy.

Metelesta is Russian for Winter of the Dead. It’s July in the Motherland and it’s snowing like it was Dekabr (right after Noyabr, but right before Yanvarya). Instead of a virus, space plague or monkey germs, the activating zombie ingredient here is the snow. This icy weather condition turns most of the population into undead, flesh-munching ghouls. (No big deal – vodka, Russia’s official energy drink, has been doing that for decades.)

And since zombie movies kinda need a plot, they throw in a love triangle and an angry husband who pursues his cheating wife and her new mattress mate amid the living dead onslaught. Geez, buddy – can’t you see it’s all over between you and that she’s gone forever? She can’t hurt you anymore.

Then there’s a priest who picks up a holy pick axe and does the Lord’s work, converting undead non-believers into Heaven fertilizer. Turns out Father Michael missed his true calling as he’s quite skilled with the chopping stick.

Guess I better brush up on my Russian as this thing is no doubt sub-titled. I hate reading movies. It gives me a screaming головная боль.