Archive for January, 2018

Mutual Mutilation

Posted in Asian Horror, Foreign Horror with tags , , , , , , , on January 31, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Black House

Here’s a fun and educational thing to do: watch an insurance adjuster process fraudulent claims! (OK, I’m being a smidge douche-y here, but work with me.) Jeon Jun-oh is an insurance investigator who checks out people who kill their own family members for cash. That’s probably not a cool thing to do.

Black House

Once such guy is filing a claim on behalf of his son’s suicide. The police won’t help Jeon prove it was a murder for some silly reason. And the movie drags on and on. Then something horribly fun happens. Arms are put under industrial paper cutters. Eyes and mouths are stitched up without anesthetic. Stabbings occur to the stomach area. Keys get plunged into eyeballs. Black House (aka, Geomeun jip/2007) is way dull until the last ten minutes, then all holy WTF breaks loose.

Black House

The weird guy whom Jeon thought was trying to collect the insurance money was actually acting weird for a reason: someone cut off his arms! No more pouring your own cereal. Jeon’s girlfriend gets abducted because he’s too close to THE TRUTH. A quick search leads him to a veritable human slaughter house that’d give the guy in Saw (2004) a warm fuzzy feeling in his tummy.

Black House

The plot is sluggish (made even more tedious with the Korean sub-titles) and stretching things. (People killing people for insurance money? Come on — that stuff doesn’t happen in real life.) But the ending sequence is deliciously gruesome with body parts laying around like festive decorations and such. And I mean that in a delightful way.

Giant Clowns, Demonic Babysitters, Money Storm

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 30, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Pennywise

It’s pretty much box office fact the It (2017) remake was one of the best horror movies of that entire year — if you don’t count the ongoing horror show in the White House. So leave it to talented artist El Mescalito to recreate Pennywise, the movie’s bowel-loosening monster clown, as a 9-foot tall paper mache sculpture. It gets better — you can buy this living room enhancing piece for $4,000.00. And you won’t have to look down any sewer drains to find it; this incredible objet d’art is currently on display in Santa Monica, CA at the Copro Gallery. (Or you can click HERE)

Pennywise

While we’re all racing around the house to find all the pennies we can to buy it, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not belong in a sewer…

The Lullaby

THE LULLABY (March 2, 2018)
Chloe is overwhelmed by the birth of her first child. The incessant crying of her baby, the growing sense of guilt and paranoia sends her into depression. With a heightened urge to protect her son, Chloe sees danger in every situation. She starts to hear voices, the humming of a childhood lullaby and sees flashes of a strange entity around her child. Convinced that the entity is real, Chloe will do everything in her power to protect her son. Is she haunted by evil or is it just the baby blues?”

May not need to see this movie as my neighbors just had a kid and that thing won’t quit power crying, day or night. Got a dirty look when I bumped into the new father and told him he maybe he should feed it every so often to get it to shut the heck up. (It’s a newborn, so I didn’t use the “hell” word.) Then again, maybe there’s an entity in this apartment building stirring up the kid. Other than me, that is.

Hurricane Heist

HURRICANE HEIST (March 9, 2018)
“A team of tech hackers infiltrate a U.S. Mint facility on a small coastal town to steal $102M in cash, just as a disastrous Category 5 hurricane, the storm of the century, is about to strike and level it to the ground. The only other two people left in the town — a meteorologist and a female treasury agent — must survive the horrific storm while stopping the thieves from getting away with the heist of the century.”

Sounds like The Weather Channel’s version of The Fast And The Furious (2001). Sure hope the hurricane doesn’t cause the criminals to “blow” all that money. Heh.

The Endless

THE ENDLESS (March 23, 2018)
“Two brothers return to the death cult from which they fled a decade ago, only to find that there might be some truth to the group’s otherworldly beliefs.”

As social clubs go, death cults aren’t that much fun. That, and they dress weird.

The Body Tree

THE BODY TREE (2018)
“When a group of Americans travel to Russian Siberia to honor the memory of their murdered friend, they uncover a plot that threatens all their lives.”

Man, I know I’ve seen this movie’s poster art before and…oh, wait — now I remember…

Evil Dead

White Trash Vampires and Werewolves

Posted in Evil, Misc. Horror, Vampires, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , on January 29, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Death Hunter: Werewolves vs. Vampires

Vampires and werewolves are at each others’ throats (heh) in the ambitious, though low budget Death Hunter: Werewolves vs. Vampires (2010). Who wins? Well, if you’re a human, you already know the answer.

Death Hunter: Werewolves vs. Vampires

Jack Croix and his market fresh wife whose newly pregnant, get lost driving around the desert and, running out of precious gasoline, pull into a way out of the way dive bar for help. What they get is the drink emporium’s white trash clientele are all vampires. That sucks. (Oh, hey — I just got my own joke!)

Death Hunter: Werewolves vs. Vampires

Jack’s packin’ a gun and try as he may to perforate them with a weapon that doesn’t seem to run out of bullets, his wife is taken by the vampires and he’s left to wander the desert, where werewolves play in the dirt.

Death Hunter: Werewolves vs. Vampires

John’s rescued and taken in by a mysteriously hooded man whose own wife was imminent domained by the vampire clan. Since that time, he’s lived in a cave and honed his vampire/werewolf recycling program. And over the next few months, teaches his skillz to John. But dang it, the man got his fleshy parts bitten by a werewolf during an ambush and won’t be alive long enough to pay next month’s dwelling rent.

Death Hunter: Werewolves vs. Vampires

This causes John to take up the cause, shave his head and face with a hunting knife (no shaving cream for this hunter of death) and set out to get his wife back, who has been turned into a pregnant vampire. Along the way, John runs into two young couples, also lost in the desert, but still managing to play strip poker while driving. The attacking werewolves don’t play strip poker — they play stripped flesh.

Death Hunter: Werewolves vs. Vampires

During the simmering climax, John locates the vampire stronghold — in a wine cellar — and his wife, who along with the other had vampire concubines — is sleeping standing up. In the desert there are no pillows. If John kills the main vampire, he gets his wife back, defanged and about six months pregnant.Death Hunter: Werewolves vs. VampiresThe “battle” is so limp as to be uncooked bacon. Very little nudity (opening sequence), and a smattering of blood. Somehow I expected more from dive bar/white trash vampires and wereolves whose boss is a digital video game reject.

Vacation Destination Aliens

Posted in Aliens, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , on January 28, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Battle: Los Angeles

Not quite an original premise, but Battle: Los Angeles (2011), a boisterous alien invasion face-slapper, doesn’t try to do anything than be a live action video game. Not suprisingly, I’m okay with that.

Battle: Los Angeles

For no other reason than to attack because it’s there, aliens do a Pearl Harbor on us and wipe out every major city in the world. Curse their superior military acumen.

Battle: Los Angeles

Los Angeles, the last block on the block, is overrun with the aliens who are taking the town street by street. They’re kinda hard to kill as the creatures are dressed in a mechani-suit and tie. Their weapons shoot goo and if you get any on you, see ya.

Battle: Los AngelesA squad of Marines are dropped into the war zone to rescue civilians, and then get back behind friendly lines miles away. Hope they don’t run into any red lights. Aliens are waiting, though, to make this assignment a challenge. Full blown blow-ups, explosions, gunfire, screaming, running in every direction except the right one… I’d be highly proficient at those last two things during such an invasion.

Battle: Los Angeles

It’s discovered the extraterrestrial party-crashers are unilaterally controlled by centralized alien headquarters. Blow that up and game over, man. Does it make things ridiculously complicated for the Marines that the extraterrestrial command post is underground? Kinda.

Battle: Los Angelese

Great opening attack scene, unrelenting battles, a breather Marine pride moment, and then all out “us versus them” explosions. I knew unwelcome aliens could be fun, but this is a downright party!

El Chupacabra vs. The Law

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 27, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Guns of El Chupacabra

Jack B. Quick is a space sheriff, whose job on Earth, is to eliminate that pesky sucker of goats, the legendary Chupacabra. He’ll have his Jack hands full; this Chupacabra is six-feet tall, looks like a cross between a seafood platter entree and Japanese pro wrestler, and is actually the presumably housebroken pet of Lord Invader.

Guns of El Chupacabra

Sent by the Queen Bee and King Allmedia (are you groaning out loud yet?), Jack has to be Quick around the Chupacabra in order to not get his goat blood sucked or admonished by the Queen, whose shirt stuffers are metaphorically the size of orbiting planets.

Guns of El Chupacabra

Jack chases Chupacabra around in his spacecraft, an early model Plymouth. To assist in his quest, he packs a shotgun (easily purchased throughout the galaxy). He also has to slap Lord Invader upside the head for letting his pet go outside his interstellar front yard. And if all of this doesn’t leave you gasping for logic, rocket ranger Dan Danger (now would be another good time to groan audibly) shows up to verbally walk us through this land mine-ridden story line. If Jack B. Quick succeeds, he’ll be knighted. If not, food stamps.

Guns of El Chupacabra

Working on a budget so low, the actors themselves paid for it (in more ways than one). Guns of El Chupacabra (1997) is a sci-fi comedy with a half-decent monster costume, wincing dialogue/references, and Julie Strain, who I would pay to just see stand there for 90 or so minutes.

The Horror of Exercising

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Scream Queens, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 26, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Death Spa

Someone or something is gruesomely canceling gym memberships for the patrons of Los Angeles’ hi-tech Starbody Health Spa, a sort of fitness, nightclub and disco playground where big hair and big muscles populate the landscape.

Death Spa

One fully naked gal is temporarily rendered blind by chlorine steam in the sauna. Another gal belly flops in a pool when the diving board mysteriously unbolts itself. A shower room occupied by super wet supermodels nearly get steam broiled in the locked locker room. A tanning bed turns into a human toaster. A woman gets her hand shredded off in a cocktail blender gone rogue. And a exercise machine literally rips a mullet-wearing guy in half. Feel the burn, then shake it off.

Death Spa

No one can figure out why this poser palace is going awry. Michael Evans, the club’s handsome owner, believes his ghost wife, who earlier doused herself with gasoline and did her impression of a car tire fire, is behind the mutilations/killings. He’s unfortunately right.

Death Spa

His wife’s suicide was never fully explained, but Micheal thinks it’s because she was with child, and then not. As she revenge returns from the grave (leaving typed messages on Mike’s computer, invading his dreams, using the gym’s facilities and skipping out on towel fees), she ends up possessing her brother, who works for Michael and blames him for his sister’s BBQ. Do your best to figure out what happens next.

Death Spa

1989’s Death Spa (aka, Witch Bitch) throws everything into the exercise program — choreographed disco dancing exercise classes, skin-tight work-out spandex, rampant full frontal nudity (a marketing ploy featuring perfectly fit bodies), day-glo clothes, stacked hair and gore scenes so bad, you almost wish they’d cut back to the disco classes. (Note: Disco has never not sucked.) You already know how this movie ends.

Death Spa

P.S. If you want to augment your disco horror fitness regime, watch 1987’s Killer Workout (aka, Aerobicide). Feel the burn, then shake it off.

Rock ‘n Roll Aliens, Giant Bullies, Wiccan Babysitters

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Ghosts, Giant Monsters, Science Fiction, UFOs, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 25, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Keith Richards

Keith Richards, iconic rock guitarist and co-founder of The Rolling Stones, recently interviewed on 98.5 WNCX FM Radio in Cleveland, OH, that not only does he believe in aliens, he claims there’s an actual extraterrestrial landing strip on his expansive property in England. Given how much drugs and alcohol the famous wasted musician has infamously consumed over the last 100 years ago (you got that one, right?), surprised he hasn’t also seen Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster, Chupacabra and/or Mothman lurking about his front yard as well. (Then again, he might think they’re just roadies.)

Keith Richards

I believe him. Rock and roll wouldn’t lie. So maybe Keith should rewrite some of his songs to support his claim: “Beam Me Up”, “Let’s Spend The Night Together on Uranus”, “Blue Turns To Greys”, “You Can’t Always Get Abducted When You Want”, and “It’s Only Probing (But I Like It)”. I’m thinkin’ platinum sales, here.

While we wait for the Stones’ intergalactic tour, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not give you satisfaction…

I Kill Giants

I KILL GIANTS (2018)
“A teenage girl chooses to escape the realities of school and a drab family life by retreating into her magical world of titans and giants. With the help of her new friend Sophia and her school therapist, Barbara, will learn to battle her giants and face her fears — tackling the bullies at school, her sister, and her difficult home life.”

I liked it better when it was Harry Potter. Still, giant monsters and difficult home life. I can relate.

Hereditary

HEREDITARY (2018)
“When Ellen, the matriarch of the Graham family, passes away, her daughter’s family begins to unravel cryptic and increasingly terrifying secrets about their ancestry. The more they discover, the more they find themselves trying to outrun the sinister fate they seem to have inherited.”

Big talk about this on the movie/dive bar circuit. I bet Helen’s shameful ancestry has something to do with an unpaid bar tab. Note to matriarchs: dine ‘n dash = NOT COOL.

Nightmare Cinema

NIGHTMARE CINEMA (2018)
“The anthology centers on a series of down-on-their-luck individuals who enter the decrepit and spine-chilling Rialto Theater, only to have their deepest and darkest fears brought to life on the silver screen by The Projectionist — a mysterious, ghostly figure who holds the nightmarish futures of all who attend his screenings. By the time our patrons realize the truth, escape is no longer an option.”

Sounds nifty, though for a great “people trapped in a movie theatre while evil beings eat your face and/or popcorn”, try the Italian gore snack bar, Demons (1985). You’ll forget all about your AMC Stubs™ reward points.

The Night Sitter

THE NIGHT SITTER (2018)
“A scheming con artist poses as innocent babysitter ‘Amber’ to steal from Ted Hooper, a wealthy occult enthusiast with a reclusive son named Kevin. Her crew arrives to clean out the house just as Kevin stumbles upon one of his father’s most prized artifacts and unwittingly summons a trio of witches known as The Three Mothers. As the playful, sadistic witches start picking people off, Amber and Kevin form an unlikely bond and try to survive the night together.”

That would be fun to have witches as babysitters. If you spill a jar of dried frog tongues, there’s plenty of brooms around to sweep ’em up. Wonder if they know any “take out the garbage” spells and/or enchantments? That would so awesome.