Archive for January, 2018

Stylish Snake Hat

Posted in Asian Horror, Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Nature Gone Wild with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 23, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Devil Woman

In the 1970 horror martial arts flick Devil Woman, the night Manda was born in the Philippines, a freak lightning storm came outta nowhere and somehow transformed the crib rat into “a monster.” (Her dad’s words, not mine, as he saw her and crapped his pants. Neither was shown.)

Devil Woman

As Manda gets few years under her head wrap (she’s clearly hiding something besides chronic dandruff), the neighborhood kids taunt her and try to take off the stylish turban. Blocking her in an alley, one kid sticks his hand under Manda’s hat and gets his hand bitten by a snake that was lounging under there. This brands Manda as a monster and she’s tormented relentlessly. Later, when she’s grown up to look like she came from the U.S. even though she was Filipino as a child, Manda vows relentless revenge on her formative years’ taunters.

Devil Woman

Those who flaunted their taunts should be visibly shaken — Manda is indeed a monster and has the power to control snakes to do her bidding. This leads to hazardous conditions as the entire village is surrounded by dirt and woods where snakes make their living, a supportive argument for revenge law and demand supply.

Devil Woman

Enter a Chinese kung fu master who wears a gold necklace, white V-neck t-shirt and white pants. All he needs is a vertical haircut and he’d be the kung fu master version of Vanilla Ice. His footwear looked like indoor slippers, though. He rescues a young gal, the daughter of a wealthy local dude, from a  gang of hooligans, who work for a gangsta head hooligan. (Full disclosure — he works for Manda.) The kung fu master takes on 20 thugs and kicks all their pants right in the pants. This won’t be the last time he has to deal with these smirking criminals, who mistakenly think there’s strength in numbers.

Devil Woman

Manda continues her reptile revenge, killing her tormentors. While this is going on, the kung fu master has six (!) more run-ins with the gang, whose members now count in the 30s. And still, he mops the dirt floor with ‘em. When the local (and single) young gal is kidnapped and brought to the cave where Manda lives (kinda neat — wonder if it has working plumbing?), the master goes to rescue her. He predictably fresh beats the thugs into tenderized pork, jumps and flips over multiples of snakes, and faces off with Manda. It’s here she takes off her hoodie and reveals her hair is not hair at all, but a pile of icky wiggle snakes. (Medusa should file intellectual property infringement.)

Devil Woman

Manda controls the snakes by snaking up her eyes and waving her hands in front of her, as if slowly washing an invisible window. This is ironic as most windows are already invisible. The master flings sharpened Popsicle sticks at the snakes and acupunctures their heads. Manda, who no doubt maintains heir coiling coif with Ssssalon Selective™ shampoo, falls after being cornered on a rock cliff. We don’t see her splat. This means, of course, sequel city. (Spoiler: It’s titled Bruka: Queen of Evil/1973).

Outrocking Evil

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 21, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Rock 'n' Roll Nightmare

The ‘80s hair band Triton is rocking hard and riding free and features a camera aware/body builder/studded leather Speedo™-wearing lead singer, John. (You’d think he’d have a more rock appropriate name, like Poser McPose, Flexi Hamstring or Dangle.) John and his ham band play anthem power rock songs like “We Live To Rock,” “Engery,” and (my fav) “Edge of Hell (Wildlife)”, what with its “don’t bore us, get to the chorus” catchiness. What can I say? I’m a sucker for a solid hook.

Rock 'n' Roll Nightmare

Triton’s manager insists the band retreat to an isolated farmhouse in I Don’t Know Where We Are, Canda to work on 10 minutes of new material to add to their show. (Note to band — just put “tonight”, “alright” and “let’s fight” into the lyrics and you’re good to go. Lather, rinse, repeat.)

Rock 'n' Roll Nightmare

Traveling in a three-tone van (orange, white and black), the rockers bring their girlfriends and the female keyboard player with hair so big, you can see my house from there. No sooner than the band sets up in the barn and starts rocking like they’re in front of 10,000 invisible screaming fans, they take a break and start having sex with each other, with some of the band members wearing sunglasses — indoors — during their act(s) of shame. That is so rock.

Rock 'n' Roll Nightmare

To mix things up, a car full of groupies show up to group with the group. As this is happening, the Devil — depicted as a rubber alien thing — shows up to top the charts, with assorted rubber, finger puppet demons as special guests. I am not making this up. Once evil reveals itself, John transforms into his studded leather Speedo™-wearing counterpart, complete with lightning bolts emitting from his muscular visage, power posing with some of the best traffic jam constipation facial expressions ever committed to VHS tape.

Rock 'n' Roll Nightmare

Rock ‘n’ Roll Nightmare (1987) features lots of boobs and so much hairsprayed hair, Aqua Net™ should have been given a screen credit. Regardless, this wincing attempt to meld hair metal with vulcanized evil reminds me of the drunken heckling I used to do at local rock shows: “You suck — break up!”

Stock Market Horror, Jealous Ghosts, Cult Rentals

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 20, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Horror Equity Fund

Do you have an HEF in your investment portfolio? If not, you might consider it. Why? HEF is an acronym for Horror Equity Fund, Inc.™ (Film & Entertainment Investment Platform), a way to invest in the horror genre and to build your future on all things entertainment scary.

Horror Equity Fund

The mission statement from Marlon Schulman, Founder and CEO of Horror Equity Fund: “Today, we are experiencing a new golden era in Horror entertainment. Our model establishes a cross-collateralized, diversified portfolio that mitigates risk and subsequently increases the opportunity for the highest return on investment. HEF curates, develops, and accelerates to market projects in film, television, virtual reality, augmented reality, live presentations, publishing, video gaming, merchandising, Internet, and other transmedia categories, creating a unique portfolio of profit participation.”

“Though the commitment to Horror and Thriller entertainment is thriving, the world of Horror has lacked a community where they can find one another, participate in and profit from this popular genre. Horror Equity Fund offers those fans, content creators and investors transparency, honesty, integrity and one of the deepest creative benches in Horror.”

“Fans, Content Creators, and Investors will begin to experience the benefits of HEF and immediately participate in the Mutual Fund of Horror.”

Horror Equity Fund

Man, I can’t wait to invest, once I look under the couch cushions and relieve my virtual piggy bank of all its precious bit coins. At $100 minimum investment/$1 per share (I’ll have to go without beer for one day), this seems like a no-brainer. And if there’s anything I’m good at, it’s being a no-brainer. This is a crowd-funding venture, so check out their highly impressive website for your guide to banking on all things horror: CLICK HERE.

While you’re doing your Wizard of Wall Street thing, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi TV and movies waiting for you to invest in your couch…

Ash vs. Evil Dead

ASH vs. EVIL DEAD/SEASON 3 (February 25/Starz™)
Bruce Campbell leads the cast, reprising the role of Ash Williams; Lucy Lawless, as Ruby, devises her most diabolical plan to defeat Ash and raise Hell on earth; Ray Santiago as Pablo Simon Bolivar, forever loyal to Jefe (Ash), will realize his true destiny in the battle against evil; and Dana DeLorenzo as Kelly Maxwell, whose single goal is to kill Ruby and end the Evil Dead torment once and for all.”

A great day when you can turn on the television and see evil run wild. (Not referring to Republicans and/or politicians in general.) Ash vs. Evil Dead is incredibly gore gooshy, fun, funny and a highly addictive (for me, anyway) TV adaptation. Guess where I’ll be on February 25?

The Housemaid

THE HOUSEMAID (February 16, 2018)
Vietnam, 1953: Linh, a poor, orphaned young woman, finds employment as a housemaid in a crumbling rubber plantation presided over by the emotionally fragile French officer Sebastien Laurent. Soon, a torrid love affair develops between the two — a taboo romance that rouses the ghost of Laurent’s dead wife, who won’t rest until blood flows. Submerged in moody Gothic atmosphere, this stylish supernatural saga confronts the dark shadows of Vietnam’s colonial past while delivering heart-stopping scares.”

Great — a jealous female ghost.  Hell hath no fury, blah, blah, blah. When you’re on the receiving end of a female — back from the dead or otherwise — hellbent on jealous revenge, best to disappear yourself.

House of Demons

HOUSE OF DEMONS (February 2018)
Gwen, Matthew, Katrina, and Spencer were best friends for years, until a terrible tragedy tore them apart, and left all of them in a state of arrested development. Ten years later, they’re reunited for a destination wedding to stay together in a rented house. What they don’t know is in the late ’60s, the house was home to a Manson Family-like cult, run by Frazer, a charismatic former scientist pushing the boundaries of human consciousness. Over the course of one long night, everyone must confront their darkness or be destroyed by it.”

I wonder if when renting houses, cults pay first and last and a damage deposit, as well as having their credit history checked? (Note to cults — if you have a pet, be prepared to pay extra.)

Demon House

DEMON HOUSE (March 16, 2018)
“As mass hysteria breaks out over an alleged demonic possession in an Indiana home referred to as a ‘Portal to Hell,’ Ghost Adventures host and paranormal investigator Zak Bagans buys the house, sight unseen, over the phone. He and his crew then become the next victims of the most documented case of demonic possession in US history…the ‘House of 200 Demons.’”

200 demons living under one roof? Good luck getting in some bathroom time. And if your turn is next, keep a can of Glade™ handy. “Hell” and “smell” rhyme for a reason.

Killer Snow, Rural Werewolves, Flossing Serial Killers

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Foreign Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 19, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Terror

T’was recently announced that Ridley Scott — the man behind three of the six Alien movies (not counting the two Alien/Predator mash-ups) — is doing a horror TV series for AMC. The smoke detector can wait — time to put new batteries in the remote.

The Terror

From the press release: “Ridley Scott’s horror series The Terror is a fictionalized account of a real-life expedition in 1845, in which two ships were lost in the Arctic and all 129 men were killed. The series, which debuts on AMC in March 2018, is based on the 2007 best-selling novel of the same name by Dan Simmons.”

The Terror

While we impatiently wait for The Terror to brighten or screens/life, here are a few just released/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that probably don’t take place in the Arctic, though some might leave you cold (heh)…

Amityville: The Final Chapter

AMITYVILLE: THE FINAL CHAPTER (available now)
“A group of paranormal investigators teams up with a wrongly convicted serial killer to track down a mysterious monster responsible for a slew of recent killings.”

YET ANOTHER Amityville movie? [insert facepalm here]. I think this makes 400 Amityville movies, give or take. The press release cracks me up — wrongly convicted serial killer. How does that even make sense? How does YET ANOTHER Amityville movie make sense? This cow has been milked so many times, it’s only giving evaporated milk.

The Howling

THE HOWLING (available now)
“A local myth will be discovered to be true by a group of teenagers on a night out on remote farmland. Is there a bloodthirsty creature that has been wandering the land?”

Not to be confused with 1981’s The Howling or the seven subsequent sequels that slogged on until 2011. This werewolf movie places the creature on a farm. Maybe it’s not a werewolf. More likely a weresheep that hasn’t been sheared for so long, it just looks like a werewolf. I look similar if I skip my annual hair trimming.

Piercing

PIERCING (January 20, 2018)
“Reed is going on a business trip. He kisses his wife and infant son goodbye, but in lieu of a suitcase filled with clothes, he’s packed a toothbrush and a murder kit. Everything is meticulously planned: check into a hotel and kill an unsuspecting victim. Only then will he rid himself of his devious impulses and continue to be a good husband and father. But Reed gets more than he bargained for with Jackie, an alluring call girl who arrives at his room. First, they relax and get in the mood, but when there’s an unexpected disruption, the balance of control begins to sway back and forth between the two. Is he seeing things? Who’s playing whom? Before the night is over, a feverish nightmare will unfold, and Reed and Jackie will seal their bond in blood.”

A toothbrush and a murder kit. Nice to know serial killers maintain healthy dental hygiene. Wonder if he flosses as well? That’s equally as important before going out on a murder spree. (P.S. Regularly brush/floss your teeth, but DO NOT go out on murder sprees.)

Lost Solace

LOST SOLACE (January 30, 2018/iTunes™)
Lost Solace is a fast-paced psychological thriller that depicts the transformation of Spence Cutler, a young psychopath and con artist. He’s never felt empathy or guilt, however, a fateful encounter with a new drug is about to give him a dose of too much reality, and he takes a mind-bending trip down the psychedelic highway of consciousness to come face to face with his own morality and his own twisted soul.”

So the main character is a young psychopath and con artist. Nice to see those just starting out in the job market to have clear career goals. Reach for the moon, I say. But don’t do drugs — that stuff will ruin your life.

Werewolf Counselor, Horror Wrestlers, Killer Clothing

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers, Werewolves, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 17, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

A Nightmare on Elm Street

Bloody-Disgusting.com recently posted about JC-RT.com, an online clothing company that makes flannel shirts based on horror movie poster color schemes. There’s shirts that seasonally coordinates with The Lost Boys (1987), Alien (1979), A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984) and even The Exorcist (1973). (Wonder if it’s vomit stain proof?)

The Exorcist

There’s lots more, but you should know that these long-sleeve chest warmers sell for $125.00 each, though they are running a winter sale at $75.00, a $40.00 + $10.00 savings. Check out their website HERE and whip out your bit coins.

Suspiria

As cool as this is, I won’t be buying any as I don’t wear shirts with buttons. Buttons are rules. I’m not into rules, man. And while you’re waiting for your new wardrobe to arrive in the mail, here are a few just released/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not go with the shoes you’re wearing…

Carnivore: Werewolf of London

WEREWOLF: CARNIVORE OF LONDON (available now)
“In an effort to save their relationship, Dave takes Abi to a remote cottage. However, it soon becomes apparent that a fearsome beast is lurking in the shadows of the forest, waiting for the right moment to attack.”

Despite the title lift from An American Werewolf in London (1981), it’s nice to see werewolf movies haven’t been sucked under the tidal wave of bite-less zombie and transparent ghost movies. More than that, I’m really hoping this werewolf can help get Dave and Abi back to a good place in their relationship, however strained it may be while being on the beast’s fresh sheet.

Fly on the Wall

FLY ON THE WALL (available now)
“A young man uses a bug camera to spy on his ex-girlfriend, then witnesses her abduction.”

At least he wasn’t with her or he might’ve been abducted, too. Whew!

Mandy

MANDY (2018)
“Set in 1983, Red Miller, a broken and haunted man, hunts the unhinged religious sect who slaughtered the love of his life.”

Wait just a minute — Red’s last name is Miller and an unhinged religious sect slaughtered the love of his life? His life’s love has to be beer — Miller…beer. It’s the only thing that makes sense.

Parts Unknown

PARTS UNKNOWN (2018)
Parts Unknown is a movie that mixes the horror genre with wrestling. It is the story of how the infamous Von Strasser family, a family of unstable professional wrestlers, seek to violently reclaim their notorious status despite being blackballed by forces within the industry.”

They had me at “unstable professional wrestlers.” Love the title — it pays homage to pro wrestling Hall of Famer, George the Animal Steele (1937 — 2017), who lived in a cave, had more hair on his chest and back than his head, couldn’t speak other than a few grunts, had a green tongue and chewed the stuffing out of the tops of turnbuckles as though they were filled with cotton candy. When announcing where Steele comes from, the ring MC would always say, “from parts unknown.” Flippin’ brilliant.

NASA Cover-ups, Prank Time Travel, Vampire Trackers

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Foreign Horror, Science Fiction, UFOs, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 15, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

NASA Cover-ups

Been thinking of new inventions that would make me a multi-thousandaire (just a few tax brackets away from being a multi-millionaire). I came up with The Lid Loosener™ (possibly already invented under the name of “can opener.” Not a very zingy marketing name.), Mouth Broom™ (same as a toothbrush, but with crazy larger bristles), and the Mud-Flinger™, a new kind of pooper scooper, one that employs catapult technologies to rid one’s lawn of animal “pebbles from heaven” souvenirs.

Pooper Scooper

But the one I firmly believe will get me an in-ground swimming pool with all the trimmings (long hose, case of artificial food coloring, water), is my latest get-rich-right-now scheme: NASA Cover-ups™ — blacked out government UFO documents you can use to mask flying saucer-shaped table stains and/or use to put your refreshing adult beverages on to keep from staining the aforementioned Ikea™ table with one leg longer than the others.

Until I’m able to secure a patent number (or “No.”), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not enrich your pool or wallet…

Psychotic!

PSYCHOTIC! (January 26, 2018)
“This suspenseful psychedelic slasher follows a group of hard-partying Brooklyn hipsters as they’re stalked and savagely murdered by a masked maniac known as the Bushwick Party Killer. It’s up to struggling artists Tim and Stuart to figure out who keeps killing the life of the party.”

Hard-partying hipsters? Does that mean they drink three Zimas™ instead of two before passing out at a Rave? Comb their mall styled hair in an opposing direction? Use trendy/trending swear words they found on the Internet? Probably all of the above.

Altered Carbon

ALTERED CARBON (February 2, 2018/Netflix™)
Altered Carbon is an intriguing story of murder, love, sex, and betrayal, set more than 300 years in the future. Society has been transformed by new technology: consciousness can be digitized; human bodies are interchangeable; death is no longer permanent.”

I wish my carbon to be altered as soon as future science is able. I’d transfer my digital leavings into a WWE wrestler husk host and recycle my former skin bag in the toilet/garbage disposal/neighbor’s yard (see “Mud-Flinger™”)

Curvature

CURVATURE (February 23, 2018)
“A scientist must break into a top-secret facility in order to travel back in time and prevent a murder after receiving a mysterious phone call from herself.”

If it was me, I’d probably make a crank phone call to myself. (No doubt I’d fall for it, too.) Still, wish I could travel back in time, though. Two things would happen — I’d never have to wash my pants. That, and I’d be able to re-drink the same refreshing adult beverage over and over without paying for it more than once. Traveling through time is sweet.

The Wanderers

THE WANDERERS: QUEST OF THE DEMON HUNTER (March, 2018/UK)
“Experienced vampire hunter Louis Moudon and his companion, a journalist, arrive in an isolated village in Transylvania to investigate the mystery surrounding a strange event. Along with their guide, young local Sorana, and the reality show team, they will find out that the villagers are experiencing a terrible dread. Louis will soon have to face a totally surprising discovery.”

The title is too long. Tried saying it out loud and my tongue got tired halfway through and just hung out of my mouth like a piece of pre-sliced bologna. If I was an experienced vampire hunter (oh, wait — I am), I’d insist on changing the movie’s title to In The NECK of Time.

Power Women, Wormholes, Babysitting the Devil

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Ghosts, Science Fiction, TV Vixens, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 14, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Year of the Woman

Whilst watching the recent Critics Choice Awards on the ‘ol viewing box (once again, I failed to make it into any category), it was refreshing to see the continued and passionate support of the #TimesUp movement, and to see those who did win awards, not squander their prime time speeches on themselves/politics/UFOs, and kept echoing the point of gender inequality. This was the best part of the show.

Year of the Woman

Kumail Nanjiani, the voice of Prismo on Adventure Time (one of the most imaginative, non-alcohol-fueled cartoon series out there), had this to say during his acceptance speech for The Big Sick/Best Comedy: “I think as men, we have been talking for centuries. It’s time for us to shut up, listen, and amplify.”

year of the Woman

In the spirit of that, and given that 2018 is clearly the Year of the Woman, I hereby lend my support and nominate as movement ambassador, Ellen Ripley from Alien (1979) and for being a take-charge role model and a kick buttock lady who kicks xenomorph buttock all over the galaxy. (Other personal candidates are Diana Prince (Wonder Woman), Natalia Romanova/Natasha Romanoff (Black Widow from Avengers/2012), Melinda May (Marvel’s Agents of Shield) and Princess Bubblegum (Adventure Time).

While everyone waits on you to chime in (and please do) with your candidates for Woman/Women of the Year (and every year), here are a few just released and upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may do better with Ripley/Princess Bubblegum in the lead…

The Beyond

THE BEYOND (available now)
“Set in 2019, The Beyond chronicles the groundbreaking mission which sent astronauts — modified with advanced robotics — through a newly discovered wormhole known as the Void. When the mission returns unexpectedly, the space agency races to discover what the astronauts encountered on their first of its kind interstellar space journey.”

It’d be cool to go into space with an advanced robot. Think of all the cool slot-machine beating tips it could teach you. As wormholes go, the ones in my neighborhood could be called the Void. But I prefer their Earth names: The Poggie Tavern, The Tug Tavern, The Maha… (I could keep going into the Void if you want.)

A Demon Within

A DEMON WITHIN (available now)
“A young girl dies in 1914 after a demonic spirit preys on her family. Decades later, a skeptical doctor must stop history from repeating itself by confronting his own demons to save the life of a possessed teenager.”

Seems like everyone is getting possessed these days. Used to be everyone wanted to get married. (If you wanna know what Hell on Earth is, put a ring on it.)

House of Salem

HOUSE OF SALEM (January 23, 2018)
“A group of kidnappers become a child’s unlikely protectors after discovering they have unwittingly been set up to take part in a satanic ritual. As they begin to uncover the truth of the house they find themselves trapped, they must battle demonic forces and uncover a legacy of over a hundred years of murder in the name of the Devil.”

So criminals have to become babysitters? This sounds like a rom-com. Throw in the Devil and madcap situations ensue with hilarious results.

Wastelander

WASTELANDER (January 23, 2018)
“In a post-apocalyptic landscape, an ex-soldier wanders in search of his lost home and family. Along the way, he joins a makeshift group of survivors who convince him to lead them through the wasteland. But when a band of pillaging raiders comes after them, they must fight to survive in this cruel dystopia.”

Wonder why they always frame the future as the Earth having been Napoleon Blown Apart? My vision of the many days after tomorrow include jet-packs, pleasure-bots and self-washing hair.