Archive for July, 2013

The Navy Goes Time Traveling

Posted in Science Fiction with tags , , on July 31, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Philadelphia Experiment

A 1943 experiment in invisible radar did its job and turned the Navy’s™ U.S.S. Eldridge invisible. Swish – nothin’ but net.

But the ambitious project created a time vortex and two guys are sent into the future. Not too far ahead (1984), but ahead all the same. The people from the past marvel over our advanced technology: electric can openers…bus passes…Atari supercomputers.

The Philadelphia Experiment

But with all tales of traveling time, they must get back before the time-disrupting vortex, which has been sucking up surface stuff, destroys everything and everyone with a can opener/bus pass.

The Philadelphia Experiment

One of the guys meets his girlfriend from back in the day. She’s way old now and not the hot trim she was back in the ’40s. Way too heavy – time to jump back into the vortex.

The Philadelphia Experiment

Back on board the Eldridge, which at the time of the initial experiment/accident, left a bunch of brave fighting men burned and fused into the ship’s hull.

Not too shabby of a sci-fi time travel flick, with lots of ’80s styled special effects (swirly lights – I just love those things, even though I am NOT a hippie).

The Philadelphia Experiment

The Philadelphia Experiment (1984) was based on an actual experiment by the Navy to render the commissioned battleship U.S.S. Eldridge invisible to radar so we could roll up on our enemies and blast ’em into donut holes. Not sure if it worked. The movie did, though.

Future Prehistoric Centerfold

Posted in Fantasy, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Scream Queens with tags , , , on July 30, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

A Nymphoid Barbarian In Dinosaur Hell

A nymphoid, who probably wouldn’t pass as one in any other dinosaur hell, is relentlessly pursed by a whole bunch of future cave guys who want to have sex with her, whether she wants to be consensual about it or not.

A Nymphoid Barbarian In Dinosaur Hell

Given that she occasionally takes off her raccoon skin bikini top and rubs mud on her honkers, means she’s a classy woman and that you’re gonna have to work it in order to get her to give it up smooth.

A Nymphoid Barbarian In Dinosaur Hell

She’s also pursued by a dinosaur that looks a heckuva lot like a prehistoric porn star. One part of him, anyway. The budget of A Nymphoid Barbarian In Dinosaur Hell (1990)? Three dollars.

There sure is a lot of grunting in this movie.

Human Groceries

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Giant Monsters, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , on July 28, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Mist

While you’re at the store don’t forget to pick up some milk, bread, and some giant flesh-eating creatures. That’s the premise of The Mist (2007), adapted from a Stephen King story about the hazards of shopping for groceries in his town.

The Mist

Davis Drayton and his young son Billy go to the grocery store as an eerie mist fog rolls into town. No sooner are they through comparing prices of ketchup to catsup, when someone runs inside screaming that there’s something in the mist that’s enveloped the entire of everything – and it’s eating people. Color me stupid, but I thought you go inside the store to eat stuff, not the other way around. But this time the opposite is true.

The Mist

The store’s patrons lock the doors and the short road to freaking out begins, with religious zealots predicting the end of the world and demanding a human sacrifice versus the rational few who just came to the store for some ketchup/catsup.

The Mist

During the power struggle, something with honkingly big tentacles tries getting through the store’s loading dock doors where ketchup AND catsup are delivered. Then it’s decided to test the mist to see who is right: those who believe God’s wrath is imminent, or anyone else who thinks the fog creatures are a normal part of life.

The Mist

The monsters outside, however, are no match for the evil inside, as stressed fanaticism gets pushed to the extreme. Those who side with God call for a group sacrifice. Everyone not down with that escapes into the mist and find a car with working high beams.

The Mist

The plan now is to drive away from the unearthly monsters. It seemed like a good idea at the time. Running out of gas they decide to not let the creatures get them, so time to pass around the gun. Five people, four bullets. Davis decides to get out and let the monsters eat him and…hey, that’s not a monster

Dracula Vs. Rock ‘N Roll

Posted in Foreign Horror, Misc. Horror, Scream Queens, TV Vixens, Vampires with tags , , , , on July 27, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Killer Barbys vs. Dracula

The only thing good about Killer Barbys vs. Dracula (2002), a no-budget, pseudo campy vampire/rock ’n roll flick, is the title.

Killer Barbys vs. Dracula

Dracula is bald and wears a cape with a collar so high it looks like one of those cones you wrap around dog’s heads to keep them from licking their puppy privates. His fangs are clip-ons, as are his pure white finger nails. Drac flaps his cape like he was trying trying to become airborne (he never gets off the ground) and runs around in daylight, attacking people at a Spain theme park while the rock band Killer Barbys play entire songs with painful choruses that never seem to end.

Killer Barbys vs. Dracula

Silvia, the Killer Barbys’ lead singer, dresses like Barbarella, but never undresses like Barbarella.

When asked by a journalist why he’s such a bastard, Dracula replies, “Because I had a bad childhood.” Vampires should leave the comedy to comedians. The plot appears to be entirely impov, meaning that Dracula isn’t the only one who sucks.

Alien Child Care

Posted in Aliens, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , on July 26, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Inalienable

A male scientist gets pregnant (!) by a meteorite (!) that crash landed in his buddy’s yard and gives birth (!) to an octopus boy. Count how many things are wrong with that sentence.

Dr. Eric Norris, still feeling guilt over a car accident a while back that killed his wife and four year-old son, works in a lab and mopes. His friend brings in a sample of a meteorite, hoping someone with science brains could explain it. Whatever it is, it infects Norris, who, after a fling with a supermodel co-worker (he’s 65, she’s 29 – that’s some serious science fiction), wakes up to find a throbbing growth on his abdomen. (I so have a joke for that.)

Inalienable

An MRI confirms the growth to be a life-form that’s attached itself to his nervous system and is drawing sustenance, like stomach sauce. Somehow the FBI gets involved and chase Norris and his girlfriend to a barn where he gives birth to the creature. Amazingly, that’s not the weird part. Norris bonds with the alien kid (easing his poor driving skills guilt) and goes to court to sue for custody.

Inalienable

Running over more than half of Inalienable (2008), attorneys debate whether a dude can give birth and that it is indeed his biological offspring, versus being a real human or a freak of science that needs to be cut open and studied. All the while a Jerry Springer crowd is outside, yelling and waving signs in support.

Inalienable

The fast growing “boy” looks like a teenage mutant ninja turtle, but without a shell. And he has four octopus tentacles coming out of his back. They look like extra long loaves of french bread made out of clay. That everyone plays their part around this with a straight face is the best special effect of all.

Loaded with former A-listers, who appeared in everything from Star Trek, Stargate, Battlestar Galactica and Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, Inalienable is not only an embarrassment of riches, it’s just plain embarrassing.

Yep, There’s Definitely Something Under Your Bed

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Giant Monsters, Misc. Horror with tags , , , on July 25, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Under The Bed

Under the Bed, a different kind of home invasion horror movie, crawls from beneath the covers on July 30, 2013 and will be available on DVD and Blu-ray (it’s been up for public viewing on VOD for a smidge now).

If the DVD cover doesn’t grab you, maybe the plot will: “Every child knows about the monster under the bed – Neal Hausman’s mistake was trying to fight it. Neal  has returned from a two-year exile following his tragic attempt to defeat the monster, only to find his father ticking ever closer to a breakdown, a new stepmother who fears him, and his little brother Paul, terrorized by the same monster.”

Under The Bed

“While Neal and Paul work together to try and fight the nocturnal menace, their parents are taking desperate measures to get the family back to normal. With no support from their parents, the brothers have nothing to rely on but each other, and courage beyond belief.”

Under The Bed

Sounds like a heckuva lot of plot getting in the way of a good story line. Nevertheless, who among us as a kid has not made many a mattress moist, fearing there was something under the bed, waiting to eat your face and to steal at least one sock laying on the floor?

Under The Bed

Under The Bed prompted me to actually look under my bed, something I haven’t done in years. Here’s the inventory: (1) Motorhead shirt that I could’ve sworn fit five years ago. Lack of daylight appears to have made it shrink; (2) packs of M&Ms™ (peanut), freshness expired 1993; a guitar, symbolically representing my shelved dreams to rock out and have you pay me to rock out; (1) red vine, now fossilized; a baseball sized spider; an empty beer can, no doubt made so by the baseball sized spider; snow, which may actually be dust that hasn’t gone through the spring thaw process yet.

I think I’ll put off looking in the closet for another year. The “under the bed” experience was just too traumatic.

Vampire With A Point

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Slashers, Vampires with tags , , , on July 24, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Impaler

The Impaler is an upcoming vampire indie due out when the moon is full. Ahem. Actually, due to my chronic laziness, I don’t know when it comes out. I’m guessing sometime after this blog is posted. So there you go.

Been a while since we’ve seen a promising new vampire movie on deck. The last one that pleasantly disturbed the inside of my pants was 30 Days of Night (2007). [Note to 14 year girls with sparkle fingernail polish – I DO NOT count anything with the word Twilight in it as anything remotely vampire or valid.]

Titled in reference to Vlad Tepes – the REAL Dracula in the swingin’ 1400s – The Impaler goes something like this: “Seven high-school friends begin their Euro-trip at the actual castle of Vlad the Impaler, where he supposedly sold his soul to the Devil over 500 years earlier. But the decrepit castle’s past envelopes them in a bloody ritual.”

Ok, they seem to have all the key meta tags: “impaler,” “Euro-trip,” “devil,” “bloody ritual.” In short, works for me.

Vlad The Impaler

Vlad the Impaler – posthumously nicknamed – was a temperamental fellow with a caterpillar-sized moustache that no one dared make sport of. His daily retributions included fire-roasting people alive and forcing other people to eat the chewy albeit free meal, then had them impaled – alive – on tall stakes lining his driveway. History books tell us that Bad Vlad executed at least 80,000 countrymen/enemies/fake vampires. That’s a lot of stakes. Bet he had to get shipments of wood in from the Rain Forest.

Go see The Impaler. But don’t go see Vlad the Impaler. Unless you like your stake well done. Heh.