The Navy Goes Time Traveling

A 1943 experiment in invisible radar did its job and turned the Navy’s™ U.S.S. Eldridge invisible. Swish – nothin’ but net.

But the ambitious project created a time vortex and two guys are sent into the future. Not too far ahead (1984), but ahead all the same. The people from the past marvel over our advanced technology: electric can openers…bus passes…Atari supercomputers.

But with all tales of traveling time, they must get back before the time-disrupting vortex, which has been sucking up surface stuff, destroys everything and everyone with a can opener/bus pass.

One of the guys meets his girlfriend from back in the day. She’s way old now and not the hot trim she was back in the ’40s. Way too heavy – time to jump back into the vortex.

Back on board the Eldridge, which at the time of the initial experiment/accident, left a bunch of brave fighting men burned and fused into the ship’s hull.

Not too shabby of a sci-fi time travel flick, with lots of ’80s styled special effects (swirly lights – I just love those things, even though I am NOT a hippie).

The Philadelphia Experiment (1984) was based on an actual experiment by the Navy to render the commissioned battleship U.S.S. Eldridge invisible to radar so we could roll up on our enemies and blast ’em into donut holes. Not sure if it worked. The movie did, though.

Future Prehistoric Centerfold

A nymphoid, who probably wouldn’t pass as one in any other dinosaur hell, is relentlessly pursed by a whole bunch of future cave guys who want to have sex with her, whether she wants to be consensual about it or not.

Given that she occasionally takes off her raccoon skin bikini top and rubs mud on her honkers, means she’s a classy woman and that you’re gonna have to work it in order to get her to give it up smooth.

She’s also pursued by a dinosaur that looks a heckuva lot like a prehistoric porn star. One part of him, anyway. The budget of A Nymphoid Barbarian In Dinosaur Hell (1990)? Three dollars.

There sure is a lot of grunting in this movie.

Human Groceries

While you’re at the store don’t forget to pick up some milk, bread, and some giant flesh-eating creatures. That’s the premise of The Mist (2007), adapted from a Stephen King story about the hazards of shopping for groceries in his town.

Davis Drayton and his young son Billy go to the grocery store as an eerie mist fog rolls into town. No sooner are they through comparing prices of ketchup to catsup, when someone runs inside screaming that there’s something in the mist that’s enveloped the entire of everything – and it’s eating people. Color me stupid, but I thought you go inside the store to eat stuff, not the other way around. But this time the opposite is true.

The store’s patrons lock the doors and the short road to freaking out begins, with religious zealots predicting the end of the world and demanding a human sacrifice versus the rational few who just came to the store for some ketchup/catsup.

During the power struggle, something with honkingly big tentacles tries getting through the store’s loading dock doors where ketchup AND catsup are delivered. Then it’s decided to test the mist to see who is right: those who believe God’s wrath is imminent, or anyone else who thinks the fog creatures are a normal part of life.

The monsters outside, however, are no match for the evil inside, as stressed fanaticism gets pushed to the extreme. Those who side with God call for a group sacrifice. Everyone not down with that escapes into the mist and find a car with working high beams.

The plan now is to drive away from the unearthly monsters. It seemed like a good idea at the time. Running out of gas they decide to not let the creatures get them, so time to pass around the gun. Five people, four bullets. Davis decides to get out and let the monsters eat him and…hey, that’s not a monster…

Dracula Vs. Rock ‘N Roll

The only thing good about Killer Barbys vs. Dracula (2002), a no-budget, pseudo campy vampire/rock ’n roll flick, is the title.

Dracula is bald and wears a cape with a collar so high it looks like one of those cones you wrap around dog’s heads to keep them from licking their puppy privates. His fangs are clip-ons, as are his pure white finger nails. Drac flaps his cape like he was trying trying to become airborne (he never gets off the ground) and runs around in daylight, attacking people at a Spain theme park while the rock band Killer Barbys play entire songs with painful choruses that never seem to end.

Silvia, the Killer Barbys’ lead singer, dresses like Barbarella, but never undresses like Barbarella.

When asked by a journalist why he’s such a bastard, Dracula replies, “Because I had a bad childhood.” Vampires should leave the comedy to comedians. The plot appears to be entirely impov, meaning that Dracula isn’t the only one who sucks.

Alien Child Care

A male scientist gets pregnant (!) by a meteorite (!) that crash landed in his buddy’s yard and gives birth (!) to an octopus boy. Count how many things are wrong with that sentence.

Dr. Eric Norris, still feeling guilt over a car accident a while back that killed his wife and four year-old son, works in a lab and mopes. His friend brings in a sample of a meteorite, hoping someone with science brains could explain it. Whatever it is, it infects Norris, who, after a fling with a supermodel co-worker (he’s 65, she’s 29 – that’s some serious science fiction), wakes up to find a throbbing growth on his abdomen. (I so have a joke for that.)

An MRI confirms the growth to be a life-form that’s attached itself to his nervous system and is drawing sustenance, like stomach sauce. Somehow the FBI gets involved and chase Norris and his girlfriend to a barn where he gives birth to the creature. Amazingly, that’s not the weird part. Norris bonds with the alien kid (easing his poor driving skills guilt) and goes to court to sue for custody.

Running over more than half of Inalienable (2008), attorneys debate whether a dude can give birth and that it is indeed his biological offspring, versus being a real human or a freak of science that needs to be cut open and studied. All the while a Jerry Springer crowd is outside, yelling and waving signs in support.

The fast growing “boy” looks like a teenage mutant ninja turtle, but without a shell. And he has four octopus tentacles coming out of his back. They look like extra long loaves of french bread made out of clay. That everyone plays their part around this with a straight face is the best special effect of all.

Loaded with former A-listers, who appeared in everything from Star Trek, Stargate, Battlestar Galactica and Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, Inalienable is not only an embarrassment of riches, it’s just plain embarrassing.

Yep, There’s Definitely Something Under Your Bed

Under the Bed, a different kind of home invasion horror movie, crawls from beneath the covers on July 30, 2013 and will be available on DVD and Blu-ray (it’s been up for public viewing on VOD for a smidge now).

If the DVD cover doesn’t grab you, maybe the plot will: “Every child knows about the monster under the bed – Neal Hausman’s mistake was trying to fight it. Neal  has returned from a two-year exile following his tragic attempt to defeat the monster, only to find his father ticking ever closer to a breakdown, a new stepmother who fears him, and his little brother Paul, terrorized by the same monster.”

“While Neal and Paul work together to try and fight the nocturnal menace, their parents are taking desperate measures to get the family back to normal. With no support from their parents, the brothers have nothing to rely on but each other, and courage beyond belief.”

Sounds like a heckuva lot of plot getting in the way of a good story line. Nevertheless, who among us as a kid has not made many a mattress moist, fearing there was something under the bed, waiting to eat your face and to steal at least one sock laying on the floor?

Under The Bed prompted me to actually look under my bed, something I haven’t done in years. Here’s the inventory: (1) Motorhead shirt that I could’ve sworn fit five years ago. Lack of daylight appears to have made it shrink; (2) packs of M&Ms™ (peanut), freshness expired 1993; a guitar, symbolically representing my shelved dreams to rock out and have you pay me to rock out; (1) red vine, now fossilized; a baseball sized spider; an empty beer can, no doubt made so by the baseball sized spider; snow, which may actually be dust that hasn’t gone through the spring thaw process yet.

I think I’ll put off looking in the closet for another year. The “under the bed” experience was just too traumatic.

Vampire With A Point

The Impaler is an upcoming vampire indie due out when the moon is full. Ahem. Actually, due to my chronic laziness, I don’t know when it comes out. I’m guessing sometime after this blog is posted. So there you go.

Been a while since we’ve seen a promising new vampire movie on deck. The last one that pleasantly disturbed the inside of my pants was 30 Days of Night (2007). [Note to 14 year girls with sparkle fingernail polish – I DO NOT count anything with the word Twilight in it as anything remotely vampire or valid.]

Titled in reference to Vlad Tepes – the REAL Dracula in the swingin’ 1400s – The Impaler goes something like this: “Seven high-school friends begin their Euro-trip at the actual castle of Vlad the Impaler, where he supposedly sold his soul to the Devil over 500 years earlier. But the decrepit castle’s past envelopes them in a bloody ritual.”

Ok, they seem to have all the key meta tags: “impaler,” “Euro-trip,” “devil,” “bloody ritual.” In short, works for me.

Vlad the Impaler – posthumously nicknamed – was a temperamental fellow with a caterpillar-sized moustache that no one dared make sport of. His daily retributions included fire-roasting people alive and forcing other people to eat the chewy albeit free meal, then had them impaled – alive – on tall stakes lining his driveway. History books tell us that Bad Vlad executed at least 80,000 countrymen/enemies/fake vampires. That’s a lot of stakes. Bet he had to get shipments of wood in from the Rain Forest.

Go see The Impaler. But don’t go see Vlad the Impaler. Unless you like your stake well done. Heh.

Putting The Squeeze On King Cobra

Bored with cloning sheep for the betterment of society, a group of scientists cross-breed a good ’ol Texan rattlesnake with an African King Cobra in order to milk its altered venom for a hangover cure (or something equally medically ground-breaking).

A convenient explosion in the lab mutates the oversized Slinky and it slides to a nearby town holding its first microbrew fest. (I was not invited back after that unfortunate incident involving one of the Porta-Pottys™ last year.) Wally Worm is 30 feet long and has teeth the size of fireplace pokers, which it uses to dispense much poking. People wandering around the woods looking for a place to pee (the Porta-Pottys™ are closed until further notice) are rudely interrupted by the snack-minded snake.

King Cobra’s (1999) inexcusably lazy title/casting/DVD cover/plot notwithstanding, the monster looks like one of the rubber snake toys you win at the carnival for popping balloons with symbolically dull darts.

Karate Kid’s (1984) Pat Morita shows up as a professional reptile wrangler and gets his head bitten off. Why he didn’t give the snake a kung-fu grip is beyond me. Erik Estrada makes a painful three-minute cameo as a gay PR agent organizing the town’s drunkapalooza. Coin toss as to whether Erik or the snake made the biggest mistake by signing up for this flickering flick.

1,000 Thoughts on Horror & Sci-Fi

1,000 blog posts as of this e-writing. A nice, parade-worthy milestone, yes? Not to brag, but I think a Congressional Medal of Honor or some chewing gum might be a nice acknowledgment as well. And would it kill any of you lady strippers to comp me a lap dance? Heck, I’ll even take a free boob flash (lasting no less than thirty seconds, please).

As of this writing, 585,930 views, 285 comments, 2,737 best one day ever stat, 4,008 pictures, countless typos and grammatical failings, and 16,792 total spam since starting this silly blog on June 9, 2010. (Note to spammers: die already, you worthless dumbasses.)

I’m a LIFELONG horror/sci-fi fan who has collected monster magazines since I was old enough to shoplift (just kidding – I merely used the inside of my pants to transport the mags to the counter, leaving my hands free to wave hello to people in the spirit of being neighborly), watched thousands of horror/sci-fi movies (which might explain the eye twitch), and have championed the genre for 1,000 blogs and countless hours for NO PAY. Obsessed? Duh. Stupid? Ask my mom – I bet we’re all in agreement here.

Actually, I’ve done many more than 1,000 blog postings. MSN.com hired me for two very fun years to post six days a week on a variety of horror/sci-fi subjects prior to me starting up this NON-PAID blog. (Between 600 and 1,000 posts after the checks cleared.)

So what horror movie wisdom/insight can I impart over the last five or six years of near obsessive postings? Glad you asked… (Warning – what you are about to read while moving your lips are my opinions and perspectives and are NOT intended to be taken as gospel.)

HORROR/SCI-FI MOVIE TRAILERS: Note to Hollywood – unlike the lovely gals at Mary’s Club in Portland, OR, you’re showing/giving out WAY too much. Moviegoers don’t need you play the entire movie in two minutes. Nor do we need multiple trailers. Make better movies and you won’t need to spend twice in advertising what the film costs to overkill shove down our throats.

ZOMBIES: More than any other genre combined, zombie movies have flooded the marketplace in unprecedented numbers over the last five years, 99% of which have the SAME PLOT. Enough already. And chew with your mouths closed. To do otherwise is just plain icky. (Disclaimer: whomsoever is behind it, DO NOT quit making The Walking Dead TV shows.)

INDIE HORROR FILMS: By and large, disappointed. After all these years, I see a continuing and unsatisfying trend wherein the bulk (not all) of indie horror filmmakers of varying budgets have abandoned any quest of breaking new ground and expanding the genre’s horizons, and simply go for the quick, formulaic cash-in. (see “ZOMBIES.”)

Then, occasionally, I’ll come across a handful of low budget horror/sci-fi movies that go a long way in renewing my faith, a few recent examples as of this writing being The ABCs of Death (2012), V/H/S (2012), Monsters (2010), Yellow Brick Road (2010), and (guilty as charged) Sharknado (2013). Seriously, how could you not like a movie that has face-eating sharks raining down out of the sky via a nature-borne delivery system?

FOUND FOOTAGE FILMS: The karaoke of filmmaking. Any aspiring douche bag with enough money to buy an entry-level digital camera and able to edit it with iMovie™ can make a wretched found footage “film.” And they have been. In droves. You can thank the infuriating Blair Witch Project (1999), a found footage movie that featured little more than a few noises in the dark, a lot of snot-nosed crying and no title character for lighting the fuse here. The $22,500 budgeted project succeeded with an admittedly brilliant marketing campaign (far better than the film itself) and turned on the profit faucet to the tune of $248 million, setting off a cinematic gold rush for thousands of cash-in douche bag found footage “filmmakers.”

Then there are exceptions to the rule: Paranormal Activity (2007), Cloverfield (2008) and since then, quite effectively, The Bay (2012), a movie about a mutated strain of watery parasites, which realistically mixes found footage with “authentic” TV broadcasts, street and cop car cameras. It’ll make you quit drinking the water, which I have done. Nothing but beer for me as I’m not down with mutated parasites from the town’s water supply getting into my body and eating their way out. I have enough problems with spiders crawling into places meant for outgoing mail.

FOREIGN HORROR: I’m a big fan of foreign horror/sci-fi films, especially those of Japanese descent (Meatball Machine/2005, Tokyo Gore Police/2008, Vampire Girl vs. Frankenstein Girl/2009, RoboGeisha/2009, The Machine Girl/2008, Mutant Girls Squad/2010). And why is that? Because these movies are so surreal, abstract, non-linear and ridiculously over the top with gore/blood/intestines, that I often just stare at ’em without blinking for fear I’d miss something.

Bizarre, comedic and budget/category defying foreign horror movies I’d personally endorse with my valued name brand™ are Dead Snow (Norway/2009), Dog House (England/2009), Saint Nick (Dutch/2010), Rare Exports (Finland/2010), Troll Hunter (Norway/2010), The Host (South Korea/2006), Mutants (France/2009), La Horde (France/2009), and Whale Watching Massacre (Iceland/2009). And an enthusiastic shout out to The Cottage (England/2008). There’s more, but this has already turned into a laundry list.

A personal fav foreign horror movie? Let The Right One In (Sweden/2008), which arguably reinvented the vampire genre. You didn’t like it? I feel sorry for your family and friends. In fact, I weep for you. OK, not really.

TORTURE PORN: Not sure why this distasteful sub-category of horror is so popular. What can possibly be the appeal of watching highly graphic depictions of serial killers systematically turning easily lured victims into stir-fry when you see the SAME THING on the news. These movies (Hostel, Wolf Creek, The Collector, and even the big money Saw franchise, to name a high-profile few) don’t hold a candle to the horror of the same type you see reported on in real life every day of your life. And here’s where I stick my foot right in my mouth again – I was duly impressed with the plot twist revenge aspects of The Last House on the Left (2009), a remake of Wes Craven’s 1972 lurid exploitation film. And yes, I own all the Saw movies on DVD as I lost my taste for the evening news a long time ago.

HORROR/SCI-FI REMAKES/SEQUELS: Like non-alcoholic beer, I wish these would just go away. Yeah, I go see every single one of them, but not because I want to. I’m commanded by a higher power, which is my obsessive passion for this genre. Remakes/Re-Boots/Re-imagined – they’re irrelevant to everyone except those making ‘em.

It’s all about the MONEY. That a bad thing? Not necessarily. Good for the genre? My personal opinion: cinematic version of rat turds in your cherry Jell-O™. And even though I’ll swim neck-deep through this crap time after time (Friday the 13th, Texas Chainsaw, Dawn of the Dead, Amityville Horror, etc.), there are a few rewards: Evil Dead, Piranha 3D, The Crazies, A Nightmare on Elm Street (admit it, that was solid, if not a home run), and even the much-maligned Halloween do-overs, re-envisioned by Rob Zombie. (Anyone younger than me who saw it and didn’t like it, go to your room.)

HORROR/SCI-FI MOVIE BLOGS: Essential and pointless, both at the same time, this blog included. Why most now-commercial horror blogs (accepting paid advertising) exist is the same thing that’s subverting the very movies we all seek to promote. Hyper passionate about the subject matter, often poorly written (ahem), and hyper critical of every new horror movie – commercial or indie – to come down the pipe, often before the flick even comes out. And yet, give any one of these horror movie websites content exclusivity, advance previews, star interviews, or piles of advertising money, and watch the accolades roll in. (Note to potential advertisers – I can be bought, too.)

THEATRE REWARDS: I am a rewards card-carrying member of AMC Theatres and Regal Cinemas as I am fortunate enough to live close to both and who bring in all of the big budget horror movies (with the exception being an AMC showing at the mall of The Lords of Salem/2013, directed by Rob Zombie. Not a good movie, though I probably missed the point. Regardless, I remain a big fan of his work.)

AMC’s $12 annual Stubs™ rewards give you popcorn and soda upgrades for free without having to reach a spend goal ($100). Once your spend minimum has been reached, you get $10 back in free snack counter goods of your choice. I always go for the hot dog as that’s a high ticket item. (Note to AMC – your hot dogs are fine, but when you steam the buns to heat them, they turn into glue. I’d rather eat a raw hot dog bun than a steamed one.)

Regal Cinema’s Crown Club™ rewards card is free, with points racked up for how many times you go to the movies. (For me two to three times a week.) Rewards are free movie tickets, free popcorn and free sodas. (Not candy, dang it.) And popcorn upgrades are $1.50. Stingy, I say. Regal’s hot dogs are far better than AMC as they are bona fide Nathan’s™ franks, and they don’t steam the bun. AMC’s popcorn is slightly better, though they tend to re-heat yesterday’s leftovers. Soda pop taste at both theaters: depends on what airline bottles you smuggle in to “accessorize.”

Both theatres: your snack counter employees are either dumb as Jell-O™ or they’re just plain stupid. Recent true experience at Regal: Bought $10.75 worth of stomach-pumpers at the snack counter and handed over a $20 bill. The teen gal working the counter actually had to call for management to come over to assist with making correct change. I wish I was making this up. But alas, this is the true horror of going to see a horror movie these days.

Onto the next 1,000 unpaid blogs…

A Brainless Headless Horseman

As freshness-expired as Headless Horseman (2007) is, seven teens end up in Wormwood, a mysterious rundown town with no Jiffy Lube™. What it does have, though, is a vengeful headless horseman, called Headless. Cute.

HH coincidentally needs seven heads to drop into that boiling tar hole in his garage. This dirty orifice is Hell’s dumbwaiter as a tentacled thingamajig reaches out to snag said offerings, thereby allowing HH to roam the earth. If he doesn’t put the required amount of heads in the pit by midnight, he and the whole town will be sucked down to Hell.

Craniums get lopped off, but sadly it’s all done digitally. The best moment – aside from a young supermodel-in-training slowly changing clothes – comes when she drives her  father’s truck right over Horsy’s head and it pops like a grape in pliers. (Major plot spoiler: the Headless Horseman has a head.)

There’s a third-grade backstory about a priest, enchanted sword and the snake constellation whose stars line up to… Yep, it’s stupid. So is the Headless Horseman himself, who even rides a motorcycle at one point. (Ghost Rider™ is gonna want to have a word with you, pal.)

It takes less than two minutes total for the heads to be cut off. You’re on your own for the movie’s remaining 88.