Fructose Freaks, Psycho Paths, Real Estate Witches

As kids, we got our junkie-high off such mono-saccharides-radiated breakfast cereals as Cap’n Crunch™, Lucky Charms™, Fruity Pebbles™ and, my fav, the one-two punch of Quisp™ and Quake™. Wheaties™ may have given themselves the tagline of “Breakfast of Champions,” but a salad bowl of Sugar Smacks™ with a Pabst™ chaser had that crown long before Wheaties™ was even invented.

But for the horror-inclined, THE breakfast go-to was Boo Berry™, Franken Berry™, and later Fruit Brute™ and Yummy Mummy™. These cereals were reissued in later years, but now General Mills™, for the first time in over three decades, is introducing a new horror cereal: Carmella Creeper™. My sugar-frosted pancreas doesn’t know whether to celebrate or call the doctor.

From MonsterCereals.com: “The General Mills™ Monster Cereals have been an annual staple of Halloween since the early 1970s. We haven’t gotten a new character since Yummy Mummy’s™ arrival back in 1988, which makes Carmella Creeper™ the first new Halloween mascot in 35 years!”

Just so you have something to look forward to for a hangover breakfast beside a handful or water and a glass full of aspirin, General Mills™ is also doing a Monster Mash Remix™ cereal this Halloween: all six Monsters Cereals flavors: Carmella Creeper™, Frute Brute™, Count Chocula™, Boo Berry™, Franken Berry™ and Yummy Mummy™.”

So while we find something to do that results in getting insane munchies and devouring an entire box of any of these insanity delicious cereals with our hands, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/TV series that may or may not require you to get a prescription of Metformin after digesting ’em…

THE ONES YOU DIDN’T BURN / June 13, 2023 (VOD)

“After his father’s suicide a young man returns to his rural family home to prepare it for sale where he meets two women who claim the land was stolen from their ancestors after they were accused of being witches. He soon finds himself at the center of an occult conspiracy that led to his father’s death and now threatens to destroy him.”

You don’t wanna mess with those gals — witches give you stitches.

LUMBERJACK THE MONSTER / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Akira Ninomiya is a remorseless lawyer who doesn’t hesitate to eliminate anyone who stands in his way. One night he is brutally attacked by an unknown assailant wearing a monster mask. Although he miraculously survives the assault, Ninomiya becomes fixated on finding the attacker and getting revenge. Meanwhile, a series of gruesome murders occur where the victims are found with their brains removed from their bodies. While police conduct an intensive investigation, Ninomiya seeks revenge against the assaulter. Who will uncover the truth first?”

Serial Killer vs. Psychopath. Sounds like a WWE™ pay-per-view…with violence.

INHERIT THE WITCH / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“In 1984 a family throws a 14th-birthday party for Cory and Jessie. Thirty years later, what’s left of the family reunites for the father’s funeral at two isolated houses in the forest, historically a hotbed of witchcraft. There, horrific truths are slowly uncovered about the family’s occult pact with an ancient evil that has secretly been at the core of their wealth and power, as the remaining siblings uncover the true bloody darkness behind their inheritance.”

Didn’t I just preview this above?

OPEN HOUSE / Pending crowdfunding 2023 (VOD)

“A young mother and her teenage daughter live a vagabond life, bouncing from town to town, squatting in homes they tricked Realtors into showing them during the day, and then breaking into them later at night, so they have somewhere to sleep. This grift seems to be working well until the two come across an overzealous realty couple, who show the duo a house, but refuse to let them leave.”

This one’s being described as The Texas Chainsaw Massacre meets The Rocky Horror Picture Show. So musical power tools?

Monster Tarot, Murder Bus, Hell Cows

Divining one’s future through the means of Tarot cards has been around since the mid-15th Century. I wasn’t in town back then, but I did have my future foretold once by betting it all on risky hand of Texas Hold ‘Em. The cards foretold me losing all my bus money — and I did! The cards have spoken. But it wasn’t until the late 18th Century that French occultists — like Republicans — made wildly exaggerated and unsubstantiated claims about the Tarot, saying these fancy Go Fish! playing cards, had preternatural history and mystical properties. Of course the French would say that — they drink stink wine instead cold refreshing canned beer. Heathens.

Over the ages, there have been many versions of the Tarot, but now you can get ’em as classic horror movie icons with the Universal Monsters Tarot Deck and Guidebook™. From the product description: “Let Count Dracula, Frankenstein, the Mummy, and other creepy creatures guide your tarot practice with this hair-raising tarot deck and guidebook inspired by the iconic Universal Pictures Monsters. Featuring stunning original artwork inspired by classic tarot iconography, this 78-card deck depicts spine-chilling characters, imagery, and themes from the legendary Universal Pictures™ monster films, from Boris Karloff’s Frankenstein and Bela Lugosi’s Count Dracula to the Wolf Man, the Creature from the Black Lagoon, and more.”

The Universal Monsters Tarot cards are available July 11, 2023 (preorder here) and sell for $24.99. I foretell these will sell in abundance. So while we all manscape our crystal balls and get ready for a spirited game of Monster Tarot Hold ’Em, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as fun as playing Vai a pescare! (Go Fish!) with 15th Century Italian playing cards…

6 WHEELS FROM HELL / Out Now (VOD)

“Four teens encounter a psychotic truck driver and have to escape the torture chamber in the back of his murder bus. Will Detective Ford and Cooper get there in time to save them or will it be too late?”

Murder bus. Cool name. I call my vehicle the Devastation Wagon.

MERCY FALLS / Out now (Tubi™)

“A group of friends set off into the Scottish Highlands in search of a long lost cabin. Once far from civilization, an unforeseen tragedy befalls the group and one bad decision leads to suspicion, betrayal and murder.”

The unforeseen tragedy was they came across one of those super freaky Highland cows with long hair and long horns that can aerate you in half should you decide to pet one. The friends’ bad decision was trying to pet one. 

KING ON SCREEN / August 11, 2023 (Limited Theaters), September 8, 2023 (VOD)

“Stephen King has published over 60 books and 200 short story bundles, which led to more than 80 screen adaptations helmed by the likes of Brian de Palma, John Carpenter, Tobe Hooper, George Romero and David Cronenberg. His legendary name was typed into Google™ more than half a billion times. Director Daphné Baiwir dives deep into the gift that King has to come up with some of most incredible characters fiction has ever seen.”

Who is this “Stephen King” they speak of? Never heard of him.

SUITABLE FLESH / Release pending, 2023 (Shudder™)

“Psychiatrist Elizabeth Derby becomes obsessed with helping a young patient suffering extreme personality disorder. But her desire to help leads her into dark occult danger as she tries to escape a horrific fate.”

Psychiatry has deep roots in the occult. Look at all those brainwashed Bible readers.

Puzzling Horror, Egg Aliens, Camera-Ready Zombies

The most puzzling thing about horror movies is how some of them got made. Then again, without punchbowl turds as Frankenstein Island (1981), Bride of Boogedy (1987), or the painfully watchable Urotsukidôji I: Legend of the Overfiend (1989), our lives would not be as fulfilled as promised by alcohol. But what if horror movies were turned into literal puzzles? Gird your bladder — you can now get horror movie puzzles that combines b-grade with brilliance, all for $25.99 (or less).

Created by Rachid Lotf, you can get a 28”x20” 1,000-piece House of Horrors puzzle, a spectacular and colorful collage of featuring Halloween, Jaws, The Thing, Texas Chainsaw Massacre and lots more. Or there’s the Horror Night Watch Party, also 1,000 pieces, featuring Pinhead, Freddy Krueger, Jason Voorhees, Chucky, Michael Myers and Leatherface, all watching horror movies on a TV as if having some sort of social gathering. And Rachid’s Horror VHS Cemetery puzzle is like a trip down a Blockbuster Video™ memory lane. P.S. there’s even a Blockbuster™ era video puzzle.

While you can buy all of ’em (and more) by clicking this, here are few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not seem like a puzzle missing a few pieces…

ALIEN INVASION / Out now (Amazon Prime Video™)

“A group of friends find a large strange egg that hatches. Unfortunately, the egg contains an intergalactic predator. Now they must stop it from reaching civilization.”

Eggs are a super food, so not seeing the problem here.

TIN & TINA / Out now (Netflix™)

“After a tragic abortion, Lola and her husband Adolfo adopt Tin and Tina, a seemingly angelic brother and sister with an ultra-Catholic education that makes them interpret the Holy Bible verbatim.”

Reading the Bible verbatim should scare the Holy crap outta everyone.

THE DEVIL’S STOMPING GROUND / JUNE 27, 2023 (VOD)

“On May 1, 2021, fifteen college film students traveled to the place in the Uwharrie Mountains of North Carolina, known as The Devil’s Tramping Ground, to shoot their senior short film project. What happened that night was a tragedy. The Devil’s Stomping Ground is a narrative feature, edited together from the footage the seniors were shooting for their movie and the behind-the-scenes documentary footage two juniors were shooting of their efforts. The film chronicles the day and subsequent night of their shoot. It is a cautionary tale about temptation, pushing your luck, and the inevitable consequences of being oblivious to your surroundings. Will they be ‘forever changed’ as the legend suggests?”

The tragedy is they turned this into a movie.

FINAL CUT / July 14, 2023 (VOD)

“Set against the backdrop of a B-movie shoot that is descending into disaster, the director who seems to be the only one invested with the necessary energy to keep the low-budget zombie film afloat. As he tries to gee up jaded technicians and uninterested actors, shooting is disturbed by the arrival of authentic undead.”

This is the French remake of Japanese zombie comedy, One Cut of the Dead. I have no idea why I know that.

Macabre Music, Voodoo Teenagers, Evil Boat Safety

Wednesday, the monster murder mystery spin-off of The Addams Family, became a global phenomenon with its premier on November 22, 2023, and is Netflix’s™ most popular comedy series to date. That’s an understatement. According to my exhaustive research (cut ’n pasting from Wikipedia™), Wednesday holds the record of most hours viewed in a week for an English-language Netflix™ series with a total 341.2 million hours watched in its first week of release, amounting to more than 50 million households, and passing prior record holder Stranger Things 4’s 335.01 million hours. Nielsen Media Research™ reported a combined watch time of 6 billion minutes within its first week of release, making it the second-biggest streaming week ever recorded by the firm.” 

Foaming at the mouth fans cite the series’ music as an ongoing highlight. And now you can get the soundtrack as limited edition colored vinyl to quench your Wednesday obsession. From the press release: “Wednesday’s first season soundtrack is available on vinyl for $35 via Lakeshore Records. Expected to ship in July/August 2023, the score is composed by Danny Elfman (Batman, Men in Black) and Chris Bacon (Bates Motel, Source Code). The album is pressed on 2xLP vinyl with three color variants: “Enid’s Pink Sweater” (Mondo™ exclusive, limited to 500), “Wednesday & Enid’s Room” (Walmart™ exclusive), and “Purple Goth with Smokey Shadow” (retail version). It’s housed in a gatefold jacket.”

It should be noted that the soundtrack does not contain the series’ other music, such as the nimble-fingered cello interpretation of the Rolling Stones’ “Paint It Black”, the acoustic instrumental (or would that be “instrumetal”?) rendition of Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters”, and The Cramps’ Goth punk pop, “Goo Goo Muck’, which sparked Wednesday’s dance craze and topped the charts over 40 years after its release in 1980. (P.S. “Goo Goo Muck” was written by Ronnie Cook and the Gaylads all the way back in 1962, the year non-dyed Goth punk pop was born.)

While we frantically preorder the soundtrack (take me there), here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not feature a Goth punk pop song…

DEVILREAUX / June 9, 2023 (VOD), July 18, 2023 (DVD)

“A series of murders in 1800s will be avenged by forbidden voodoo, woken up accidentally by a group of teenagers.”

Seems like this plot is backward: “A group of forbidden teenagers is woken up by voodoo.” Then change voodoo to social media.

BEDRIDDEN / June 13, 2023 (DVD)

“On the evening of their anniversary, Ray is attacked and murdered by a masked assailant in a desolate motel room while his wife, Teri, is forced to watch. Teri now faces the reality of rebuilding her life as a single mom without her beloved husband. Desperate to communicate one last time with Ray, she uses a mysterious Ouija board to try to reach out to the other side. Doing so opens up a portal that puts her and her daughter’s lives in danger. When her worst fears seemingly come true, Teri finds herself bedridden and trapped in a cat-and-mouse game of life and death.”

So Teri uses a Ouija board to talk to her dead husband. She should be using Dead Speak Pro™, an app that connects you to the spirit world. It has lots of spooky features and is free on Google Play™.

MOTORBOAT / June 13, 2023 (DVD)

“A rural lakeside community is terrorized by a demonic black boat prowling its waters, killing locals and turning the waters blood red. A fallen Priest and a no nonsense Harbor Patrol Captain have to fight a decades long evil, resurrected by a death cult, the Brotherhood of Darkness, led by the unstoppable Messiah Ward. It’s faith vs. hate in this battle for one town’s soul.”

This makes a mockery of life preservers. Not cool.

THE ONLY ONES / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A seemingly harmless weekend getaway turns into a chaotic nightmare as this group proves that when you’ve got friends, who needs enemies?”

With a plot like that, who needs this movie?

Hell Liquor, Animated Titan, Evil Gas

Naga Chilli Vodka™, sporting a demon skull on the label, claims to be the hottest vodka on the planet by its distillers, The Hot Enough Vodka Co.™ They claim its rated at 500,000 Scovilles, the scale used to measure the “heat” of chili peppers, first created by American pharmacist Wilbur Scoville in 1912. (People back then sprinkled gunpowder on their grits, which had a nice kick.) 

To give you a sense of what kind of heat we’re talking about, 500,000 Scovilles puts the vodka in the hell-seeking range of the Red Savina Habanero on a scale that ranges from 350,000 to 750,000. By comparison, the soul-incinerating Ghost Pepper comes in at around 1,000,000 Scovilles. However, GP lost the cremation crown to the Trinidad Moruga Scorpion — which sits warmly at the 1,200,000 mark — and the dreaded Carolina Reaper kicking them all in the ash with a scorched earth 1,500,000+ Scovilles. Any of the these pepper names could easily be a horror movie/horror monster. 

If you can’t stand the heat, here’s a hilarious review of the Naga Chili Vodka™ From Master of Malt™, a booze reviews website: “The Hot Enough Vodka Co.™ have created another monster, summoned from the very bowels of Hell, formed in a vile carboy filled with a horrid mound of Naga Jolokia chillies, steeped in grain vodka. It’s packaged in a handsome, heavy glass bottle with industrial-grade sealing wire and lead security seal (with a skull and crossbones embossed on it). To get to this bottle, you’ll literally have to open it with wire cutters, but we strongly recommend that you don’t. In fact, this unspeakable 500,000 Scovilles vodka is a chilli vodka so horrendous we suggest you don’t even purchase it. Please just shut down your computer and have a nice cup of tea instead. Try to forget what you saw.”

All of that actually makes me wanna try it. So while we all take bar bets on doing shots of this stuff, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/animated series that may or may not be peppery enough for you…

SKULL ISLAND / June 22, 2023 (Netflix™)

“Skull Island takes viewers on a thrilling adventure as a group of kind-hearted explorers rescues Annie from the ocean, unaware that their act of heroism will lead them to the treacherous Skull Island. This enigmatic place is home to bizarre creatures and terrifying monsters, including the mighty titan himself, Kong.”

Been anticipating this one, even though it’s an animated series. Wonder if cartoon gorillas throw their leavings around like the ones at the zoo do. Or would that be…zoo doo? I think I made that joke before. Crap.

NATTY KNOCKS / July 21, 2023 (VOD)

“On Halloween Eve, a small-town babysitter and the kids she is looking after struggle to survive a serial killer named Abner Honeywell.”

I liked this better when it was released in 1978.

ALL HALLOWS’ EVE: TRICKSTER / October 2023 (VOD)

“When a lost traveler comes across an isolated rural gas station on Halloween night, she thinks she’s found her way home. Unbeknown to her, the eerie gas station is the residence of a family of degenerate, devilish creatures. As the night descends into a hellish nightmare, the young woman becomes the center of an occult ritual featuring the Devil himself.”

Eerie rural gas stations are the only places you can get unleaded evil.

AMITYVILLE BACKPACK / Pending crowdfunding 2023 (VOD)

“A rather hapless dude buys a backpack at a garage sale. When people around him turn up dead, he comes to believe his new accessory may be to blame. Tracking its history, he discovers it has connections back to a haunted house in a small town called Amityville.”

A killer backpack. I got a backpack for Christmas one year as a hint to get me away from the TV and get some fresh air and exercise. Alas, it remains in a hall closet, with me preferring to be possessed by the couch.

House of Bats, Weaponized Demons, Burlesque Vampires

The Flash has S.T.A.R. Labs. Superman has the Fortress of Solitude. Aquaman has an adult-sized clam shell with a seaweed lawn. But none of them can match the majesty of the caped crusader’s condo, the Batcave. Batman’s famous headquarters is where he has anti-crime computers, TVs, probably a fridge and even a private “bat room” when he needs to pinch some guano. And now you can own a Lego™ replica of the Batcave for a crime-busting $399.99. Called the Batcave™ – Shadow Box, this monolithic set comes with a Batmobile™ and even Alfred the Butler™.

From Lego’s™ website: “Adult enthusiasts can recreate the iconic Batcave™ from 1992’s Batman Returns movie with the LEGO® DC Batman™ Batcave – Shadow Box. This 3,981-piece tableau incorporates movable items, mini figures and a feature-rich Batmobile™ to produce a detailed and dynamic display piece that will captivate all who see it.” 

“Measuring over 20” wide, this Batcave tableau contains an assortment of authentic details, including movable items that can be controlled from the rear. Users can turn the chair, change the computer screen and open and close the tool store and illuminated Batsuit™ vault. For extra realism, a Batmobile with a variety of hands-on features is included along with 7 mini figures: Max Shreck, The Penguin™, Catwoman™, 2 versions of Batman, Alfred Pennyworth™ and Bruce Wayne™. For added convenience, a digital version of the set’s building instructions can be found on the LEGO Builder app.” Note to law-abiding citizens living in Gotham or not, the Batcave™ – Shadow Box officially goes on sale June 8, 2023. However, if you sign up to be a Lego™ VIP member, you can get early sale access on June 5, 2023. 

So while we all rush over to Lego.com and sign up (click this), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not feature a plastic butler…

GHOST / July 9, 2023 (POV Horror™, Wicked Horror TV™)

“A deadly religious cult begins weaponizing demonic entities — and it’s up to a band of church-funded mercenaries to take them down before they unleash Hell on Earth. When word of a Fallen Angel reaches the team, the stakes are raised and the fate of humanity rests on the shoulders of one man: Ghost.”

Deadly religious cults don’t practice safe sect.

BLOODY BRIDGET / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A Haitian voodoo deity transforms a burlesque dancer into a “Valentine vampire.” Blood only whets her appetite – she must eat her victims’ beating hearts!”

The problem with burlesque vampires is you still have to tip ’em.

THE DEVIL COMES AT NIGHT / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

Ben, a washed-up boxer searching for his inheritance, must fight for his life when he is trapped in his deceased father’s farmhouse by a cannibal cult. With the help of Amy, the local librarian, he discovers the cult’s leader, Mason, has been hunting down his family for generations. And now his sights are set on Ben. Together, Ben and Amy come up with a plan to defeat the cult once and for all.

Cannibals form cults because they’re fed up with people. Heh.

THE BOOGEYMAN: THE ORIGIN OF THE MYTH / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A group of teenagers discover that the terrifying legend of The Boogeyman is real after the mysterious disappearances of several children in a small town.”

This one’s also known as El Hombre Del Saco. Wish I could have a cool name like Del Saco.

May The Speed Force Be With You, People Plants, Cutting Out Social Media

The buzz is buzzing about The Flash upcoming movie (June 23, 2023), with the trailers revealing two Flashes, two Batmans, Supergirl, and General Zod, though he died in Man of Steel (2013). Hey, movies can do whatever they want with our minds. And with that comes more character posters, these three new ones being Flash, Supergirl and Batman. (My character poster was cut as I’m not in the film, apparently.)

So here’s the official plot, though it wasn’t that difficult to piece it together after watching the trailers: “Barry Allen uses his super speed to change the past, but his attempt to save his family creates a world without super heroes, forcing him to race for his life in order to save the future.” 

So while we debate whether or not having me in The Flash has any added marquee value, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/film shorts that may or may not give you the…runs. P.S. The Flash stole Metallica’s logo. Just sayin’.

YOUR HOUSEPLANTS ARE SCREAMING / Out now (VOD)

“Human houseplants are held captive by a giant plant creature. Confined to their pots, the houseplants struggle to comprehend the horror of being shelf ornaments in a grotesque hell house made of flesh, meat, muscle and bone.”

Human houseplants. I can only imagine what is being used as fertilizer.

KILLER KITES / May 26, 2023 (VOD)

“When Abby’s grandma dies, the only thing she inherits is a stupid kite. After giving it to her brother, he is mysteriously killed and the kite disappears. While searching for the truth, Abby is tangled in a strange supernatural plot, where this killer kite continues to kill. Now, Abby must string together a way to stop the kite before it blows us all away. Kites may not be the scariest monster ever, but they’re up there.”

I heard this was made on a kite string budget.

#CHADGETSTHEAXE / Fall 2023 (VOD)

“Four social media influencers live stream their trip to Devil’s Manor, former home to a satanic cult.”

The only thing worse than social media horror movies is watching ‘em.

THE MOUNT 2 / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A year after the incident at the Mount, the police are still investigating the murders of Philomena and Caroline. The Mount has been cordoned off by the police. However, on Halloween night, a group of teenagers break in. They plan on holding a wedding between friends, conducted by a rather odd character. Little did they know some unexpected guests would show up to crash the party.

Don’t look at me like that — I heard there’s an open bar.

Monstrous Munitions, Bloody Bingo, Casino Carnage

Small Nuclear Warhead Decor. Four words that shouldn’t go together, and yet do. Makes more sense when you see what small Nuclear Warhead decor actually is. Leave it up to Itvalore.com, a direct-to-consumer online retailer, to come up with something to finally take down those obnoxious/ubiquitous garden gnomes, who took down those tacky pink flamingo yard decorations. What goes around, comes around, b*tches!.

Itvalore.com sales-pitches ’em thusly: “This will be the best horror style addition. Make the hair stand on end for anyone who dares to step into this territory. Multiple colors and styles to choose from, it’s a perfect gift for your friends who loves skull and weaponry. Every item in our shop is handmade, hand-painted and unique.”

The resin Skull Bombs (four different styles) measure 7.8” x 2.75” x 2.75”, roughly the same size of the personal comfort device on your girlfriend’s night stand. Or would that be…one night stand? For you, maybe. Heh. They cost $23.15 each, marked down from $78.68. Talk about an explosive deal! Get ‘em here.

So while we pull up those annoying Lady’s Slipper Orchids and Middlemist Reds to make room for these trespasser-scaring shells (rig ‘em to make detonating grenade sounds when anybody steps on your lawn), here are a few out-now/upcoming horror movies that may or may not require you to get bombed after watching ’em…

CARNIFEX / Out now (Tubi™)

“An aspiring documentarian and two conservationists who venture into the Outback to record the animals displaced by bush fires where they discover a terrifying new species — and quickly become the ones being tracked.”

Carnifex is also the name of  a cool deathcore band from San Diego County, CA. They should be doing the soundtrack.

DEATH’S ROULETTE / May 5, 2023 (Paramount+™)

“Seven strangers wake up in a mansion in the middle of nowhere discover they are part of a twisted game. They will have 60 minutes to choose one person to die; otherwise, all of them will be murdered. As the clock ticks down, the most lurid secrets will come to light, and they’ll discover they are all connected by a dark past. As each character begins to justify their life over everybody else’s to save themselves, we sink deeper into a world of intrigue and mistrust and get to know them in an intimate and vulnerable way.”

I liked this better when it was called Nine Dead (2009).

JOHNNY & CLYDE / May 5, 2023 (VOD)

“Johnny and Clyde are two serial killers who are madly in love and on an endless crime spree. Alana is the confident and cunning owner of a prosperous casino that generates tens of millions of dollars each year. Johnny and Clyde decide to assemble a ragtag group of criminals and misfits to steal from Alana’s casino and pull off the heist of the century. Unfortunately for Johnny and Clyde’s crew, Alana has a deadly weapon at her disposal — the hellish slasher spirit known as Bakwas.”

Bakwas — sounds too much like “backwash” to be that frightening. However, backwash — when it comes to sharing a refreshing 16 oz. can of, say, Budweiser™, is horrifying. You’d still drink it because hey, it’s a waste to waste wasted beer.

TELL ME A CREEPY STORY / May 9, 2023 (VOD)

“A beekeeper killing his wife and burying her in the garden. A young boy trying to satisfy his increasingly inhumane appetite. A serial killer couple and a woman terrified she’s being stalked, all make this a truly terrifying horror anthology.”

Beekeeper killing his wife. Too bad; she used to be his…honey.

Godzilla Noodles, Future Pollution, Tropical Cults

Did you know that for a mere $5.99 you can have your face roasted off by Godzilla? That’s a pretty good deal considering the going rate is $14.99. I’m talking, of course, about FYE.com’s™ exclusive sale-priced Godzilla Ghost Pepper Ramen™, which is hotter than Godzilla’s own melt-y breath.

From FYE.com™: “Introducing Godzilla Ghost Pepper Ramen™ — the spiciest and most delicious instant ramen you’ll ever try! This 5-pack includes five individual servings of noodles and broth that are packed with the intense heat of ghost peppers. Each bite of these fiery noodles will send your taste buds into overdrive, providing a bold and flavorful experience that is sure to satisfy even the most discerning spicy food lovers. The ghost pepper, also known as the Bhut Jolokia, is one of the hottest peppers in the world, packing a punch that is sure to make your mouth water.”

Fye.com™ is also suggest pairing the hellishly hot noodles (click here) with a themed Godzilla ramen bowl (click here) and Godzilla chopsticks (click here), though they should be offering Baby Godzilla-sized fire extinguishers. So while we’re gambling grievous bodily harm by consuming this edible version of lava, here are few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not kick your Bhut… 

BLACK KNIGHT / May 12, 2023 (Netflix™)

“In the year 2071 it’s impossible to live without a respirator due to extreme air pollution. With a majority of the Korean peninsula now a wasteland and only one per cent of its original population remaining, delivery drivers play a crucial role in the survival of its inhabitants. The legendary delivery man who goes by the name ‘5-8’ with extraordinary fighting skills meets Sa-wol, a refugee who dreams of becoming a delivery driver, the only hope of refugees.”

It’s like they say about air — it’s no big deal until you’re not getting any.

THE FIRST HARVEST / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“After his daughter goes missing, Jerry decides to hunt down the serial killer known as Jay Sullivan. Upon having nightmares of Jay, his wife Emily decides to join in the hunt. Meanwhile, Jay himself struggles with reality. When he makes a bold decision, he risks everything and everyone he loves. In this tribute to ’80s horror, who can survive?”

Okay, this is totally freaky — I have a neighbor in my apartment building named Jay Sullivan. Unassuming, quiet, keeps to himself. Yep, he’s a serial killer.

CURSED WATERS / Pending crowd-funding (VOD)

“After their ship is sunk in a naval battle, a group of pirates flee to a nearby island. However, the island is more than it seems. As they try to evade capture by the Navy they soon find that the island is inhabited by a terrifying cult. What other secrets does this island hold? Can the pirates survive? Can they escape?”

If a terrifying cult lives on an island, who are they trying to be terrifying to — free-range rhesus monkeys? That could backfire in a big way because those dirty things are known for throwing their own leavings at enemies and each other. Super ick.

MALICE / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“An ancient evil is unleashed upon six people in a cabin that possesses those who are close to death. They must battle against plague and seal it away before it takes them all over.”

There’s an Asian horror movie coming out this year with the same name. In Japan, though, it’s called Akui. That’s the sound I make when I sneeze while watching highly-cliched horror movies.

Monster Mercenary, Boogey Girl, Man of the Moth

The Witcher, a Netflix™ made-for TV adaptation of the book series by Polish writer Andrzej Sapkowski (that’s a really hard name to spell correctly on the first try), premiered December 20, 2019 and became a raging global success. It starred Superman as Geralt of Rivia, a medieval mutated monster-hunter for hire, and prominently featured a lot of sex and naked stuff, violencings, bloodenings, carnage asada and overall wholesome good times. Now we’re getting a third season (eight episodes) this summer, which I believe is sometime this year. I’ll double check.

Here’s the official word from Netflix™ as to what we’re promised for season 3: “As monarchs, mages, and beasts of the Continent compete to capture her, Geralt takes Ciri of Cintra into hiding, determined to protect his newly-reunited family against those who threaten to destroy it. Entrusted with Ciri’s magical training, Yennefer leads them to the protected fortress of Aretuza, where she hopes to discover more about the girl’s untapped powers; instead, they discover they’ve landed in a battlefield of political corruption, dark magic, and treachery. They must fight back, put everything on the line — or risk losing each other forever.”

I hope The Witcher season 3 keeps its foot on the nudity gas pedal, which I feel is important to the overall story arc. Other than that, looking forward to more die-kill-bleed monsters and swords gently removing heads from bodies. So while we all wait for its premier, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not feature political corruption, dark magic, treachery…and nudity…

COUNTRY OF HOTELS / May 26, 2023 (VOD)

“Desperate souls pass through the doors of 508, a room on the fifth floor of an anonymous, decaying hotel. They are taken on a surreal and blackly comic journey down its lonely corridors and behind its outdated furnishings and stained surfaces. The story plunges us into the ever-turning carousel of haunted lives who check in and out of this sinister establishment.”

Decaying rooms…outdated furnishings…stained surfaces. Did someone film a movie in my apartment whilst I was out enjoying multiple refreshing adult beverages?

BAD GIRL BOOGEY / July 4, 2023 (VOD)

“Angel’s mother was brutally murdered one Halloween night, when blood was shed by a deranged killer wearing a parasitic mask cursed with black magic and bigotry. Sixteen years later, when Angel’s best friend is slaughtered by a killer with the same mask, she must overcome her personal struggles, fight her fear, and find the masked killer before he — or it — slaughters everyone she holds dear.”

What the hell is a parasitic mask? Haven’t anyone heard of disinfectants? I get the black magic curse, but bigotry? Given how most people in this world are bigots, that seems pretty redundant.

WRONG REASONS / August 15, 2023 (VOD, DVD)

“An ambiguously intentioned masked man kidnaps a drug addicted punk rock singer and triggers a police investigation headed by Detective Charles Dobsonas well as a media circus.”

Punk rockers do drugs? I thought they could barely afford soap, let alone pricey non-prescription opiates.

PROJECT MOTHMAN / Pending crowdfunding 2023 (VOD)

No plot yet, but I’m theorizing it’ll have some sort of moth-like man, or man-like moth. Pretty sure I just landed on it.