Archive for the Slashers Category

Horror Kids, Old UFOs, Fighting The Devil

Posted in Aliens, Asian Sci-Fi, Classic Horror, Evil, Science Fiction, Slashers, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 21, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Horrorible Kids

If you’re a fan of the Garbage Pail Kids cards, check out Horrorible Kids, a line of illustrated horror movie icon trading cards/stickers from Magic Marker Art. These things are so cool, you could give ‘em out as wedding gifts or just carry one or more in your wallet to replace that mug shot that is your driver’s license photo.Horrorible Kids

From the press release: “Now up for pre-order through Pingitore’s Magic Marker Art, you can grab single packs, 5-packs and 24-pack boxes, as well as a ‘Horrorible Kids’ retro collector album!”

Horrorible Kids

At $4 for a single pack and $65 for an entire box, you pretty much have no excuse not to rummage through your mom’s purse to get the credit card coinage needed to purchase these must-have cards. Mom won’t mind, especially if you give her a pack or two for Mother’s Day and/or Christmas.Horrorible Kids

Horrorible Kids cards are due to arrive July 2018, so plan on skipping rent in June. And while you’re clicking HERE to pre-order, here are a few now available/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/documentaries that may or may not make good Mother’s Day/Christmas gifts…

Roswell: 70 Years Later

ROSWELL 70 YEARS LATER (available now)
“70 years after the supposed UFO crash in Roswell, NM experts shed light on what may have happened that night in 1947.”

Not “may have happened,” it’s what DID happen. All the extraterrestrials I’ve hung out with insist one ‘em had a little too much moon juice at the Little A’Le’Inn, tried driving home drunk and crashed its saucer. The insurance company covered it up and the rest is folklore history.

Bleeding Steel

BLEEDING STEEL (July 6, 2018)
Lin is a police inspector in modern Hong Kong. While tracking down a deranged, mecha-enhanced villain, Lin discovers that a geneticist’s lost bio-chemical invention has been surgically implanted into his missing daughter. With the help of a young hacker, Lin connects the dots between the device that haunts his daughter, his enemy’s sinister army, and a strange cultural phenomenon called Bleeding Steel.”

Bleeding Steel sounds cool as a movie title, but better as a heavy metal band name. Metal bands are mecha-enhanced and drink blood, so it all fits together like some sort of album.

Gags

GAGS (2018)
“It’s been eight days since the clown first showed up in Green Bay, WI. Now, over the course of one night, four different groups of people cross paths with the clown everyone calls ‘Gags’ and his true intentions are finally revealed.”

Never understood the whole “silent scary clown on the roadside/neighborhood” craze that went on a few years ago. Seemed kinda dumb considering it was overkill — bars are still loaded with enough clowns as it is.

Luciferina

LUCIFERINA (2018)
“Nineteen-year-old nun-in-training Natalia reluctantly returns home to say goodbye to her dying father. However, when she meets up with her sister and her friends, they all decide to travel into the jungle in search of mystical plant. But what they find instead is a world of black masses, strange pregnancies, violent deaths, as well as a climactic, shocking clash with the Devil himself that will leave you speechless.”

I’ve met the Devil. She’s not such a bad guy.

Kill Count, Real Bigfoot, Undead Wives

Posted in Bigfoot, Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 17, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Death Count: All of the Deaths in the Friday the 13th Film Series

If you’re like me and prefer TV over reading, then you missed Death Count: All of the Deaths in the Friday the 13th Film Series illustrated book, which came out October 20, 2017 from Two Things Press. But fear not — now you can get it for $9.99 on Kindle™, which is kinda like a TV version of a book.

Death Count: All of the Deaths in the Friday the 13th Film Series

At 124 e-pages, author Stacie Ponder goes into groovy gruesome visuals/stats on all who fell before Jason Voorhees’ pretty hate machine. And just how many tasted the pain? You wouldn’t have a reason to watch the book if I told you. But here’s the press release to convince you to wallet up: “With humor, love, and a lot of cartoon violence, Death Count celebrates the victims, survivors, killers, and other random characters encountered in the long-running Friday the 13th film series.”

Friday the 13th Kill Chart

You might recall a similar concept done in poster form back in 2011 by Andrew Barr of Canada’s National Post and illustrated by Mike Faille. But Sir Voorhees has since added to the terror tally, so Death Count might be the way to fulfill your splatter-y needs.

While I get over my aversion to books (oddly, posters don’t bother me), here are a few now available and upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/documentaries that may or may not make you download in your pants…

Bigfoot Encounters

BIGFOOT ENCOUNTERS (available now)
“Many believe Bigfoot does not exist. But for those who have seen the creature face to face, there is no question.”

Never been a question for me as to Bigfoot’s existence. I see him face to face every day in the bathroom mirror when I thoroughly brush my teeth. (Bigfoot could use a Rudy’s Barbershop™ shave and a trim. Just sayin’.)

Avengers Grimm: Time Wars

AVENGERS GRIMM: TIME WARS (available now)
“Unhappy being ruler of the Underworld, Rumpelstiltskin frees himself and plans to take over Earth. As the Avengers Grimm fight to stop him, they discover it’s not where he is hiding, but when, forcing our heroes to fight through the ages.”

This one has legendary kick-pants ladies, like Red Riding Hood (the color matches her season), Sleeping Beauty (I hear she snores like someone raking gravel), Snow White (she likes chili — heh!), and Alice of Wonderland fame. (Go asker her when she’s 10-feet tall. Tell me you got that hippie music reference.) So there’s four reasons to watch the movie, even though it rides the cape of that other group of Avengers. You know, the ones who hold iron-gripped dominion over the box office.

Between Worlds

BETWEEN WORLDS (2018)
“Joe, a down-on-his-luck truck driver, is haunted by the memory of his deceased wife and child. He meets Julie, a spiritually gifted woman who enlists Joe in a desperate effort to find the lost soul of her comatose daughter, Billie. But the spirit of Joe’s dead wife Mary proves stronger, possessing the young woman’s body and determined to settle her unfinished business with the living.”

No wonder Joe’s down on his luck— his wife comes back from the dead to nag him to death.

Automata

AUTOMATA (pending crowdfunding)
“Antique expert Brendan Cole is sent to authenticate a 300 year-old clockwork doll with a notorious history, known as ‘The Infernal Princess.’ In the remote Scottish mansion where it has been discovered, Brendan soon finds himself the victim of the automaton’s legendary curse.”

Aha! So that’s who Annabelle’s grandma is!

The Boogeyman Should Blow His Nose

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on April 27, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Boogeyman 2

Nine year-old Laura and her 11 year-old brother Henry witnessed the serial killer known as the  Boogeyman use their parents’ necks for a place to put his knife while adjusting his killer (ahem) black hood. Personally, I would’ve put the knife in the dishwasher.

Boogeyman 2

Ten years in and out of a mental institution dealing with their life-crippling fear of the dark and all things Boogeymen, Henry and Laura are still being counseled by a “face your fears, you pussies” medical director. Joining them are  five other pre-adults dealing with their mental clogged toilet: bugs under the skin, fear of being in public, fear of getting fat, fear of germs… (What — no fear of non-alcoholic beer?)

Boogeyman 2Laura is a screaming hottie, with emphasis on screaming, now that the therapy has failed and the Boogeyman is back to finish what he started a decade ago. Everyone is being dispatched by the thing they fear the most. One kid gets chopped in half by an elevator. (I take the stairs, so that entertained me.) One girl with a fear of bugs gets maggots poured into open wounds. (I don’t have open wounds, so again, highly entertaining.) Additional deaths are just as creative and enjoyable.

Boogeyman 2

While the first half of Boogeyman 2 (2007) is boring horror crap (the premise is the same as A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors (1987), the second half delivers some excellent gore and a “sex-while-standing-up” scene. (Not as comfortable as it looks.)

Boogeyman 2

The Boogeyman himself isn’t a supernatural entity, though they try to make you believe otherwise. If you can’t guess who/what/he/she is by the half-hour mark, you need to have maggots poured into your open wounds. Even as clichéd as it is, this sequel is slightly better than the first Boogeyman (2005), whose main evil character just wasn’t that attractive.

Joe Bob Returns, T-Rex Take-Out, Ouija Warning Labels

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 18, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Joe Bob Briggs

Better news that’s on the news: Joe Bob Briggs, the canned beer-swilling, B-movie/syndicated columnist/author/TV host, is coming back to TV for a 24-hour horror-thon in June of 2018. This will take place on Shudder™, so far the leading streaming horror movie channel. This is, like, Christmas and Halloween on the same day!

Monstervision

From the official press release: “JOE BOB’S COMING BACK TO TV! He’s gonna be hosting a 24 HOUR MOVIE MARATHON on Shudder™. That’s right, 24 hours of Joe Bob’s intros, outros, and OF COURSE the drive-in totals. It’ll start on a Friday in June, although we don’t know which Friday yet.”

Honey The Mail Girl

You may remember Joe Bob’s top-rated MonsterVision show, which ran on the TNT Network from 1995 to 2000, and featured classic horror and schlock films from the ’70s, ’80s and ’90s, along with tons of hilarious commentary, special guests, and the drop dead gorgeous Honey, the mail girl, now a successful attorney in Bloomington, IN. (Previously, the eccentric comedy team of Penn & Teller guest-hosted MonsterVision marathons that showed old B-movies from the ’50s and ’60s.)

While we use our combined will power/mental abilities and all stare at our TVs in unison to get it to change to June, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi/fantasy movies to drink canned beer while watching… 

Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom

JURASSIC WORLD: FALLEN KINGDOM (June 22, 2018)
“It’s been four years since theme park and luxury resort Jurassic World was destroyed by dinosaurs out of containment. Isla Nublar now sits abandoned by humans while the surviving dinosaurs fend for themselves in the jungles. When the island’s dormant volcano begins roaring to life, Owen and Claire mount a campaign to rescue the remaining dinosaurs from this extinction-level event. Owen is driven to find Blue, his lead raptor who’s still missing in the wild, and Claire has grown a respect for these creatures she now makes her mission. Arriving on the unstable island as lava begins raining down, their expedition uncovers a conspiracy that could return our entire planet to a perilous order not seen since prehistoric times.’

Disclaimer: I already tagged this on June 25, 2017. Since then the movie has come up with a new poster (look up) and has more a descriptive description of the plot, which can be deglazed into simply, modern day dinosaurs eat humans and wreck stuff. Also, the original key art had the movie arriving on June 6, 2018. But my studied research (occasionally clicking around the web) found a redacted poster with the June 22, 2018 release date. Matters not — modern day dinosaurs eating humans, man!

The Innocents

THE INNOCENTS (August 24, 2018/Netflix™)
“The series will explore what happens when teenagers Harry and June run away from their repressive family lives to be together. They’re quickly thrown into an extraordinary journey of self-discovery that derails their innocent dream: Secrets kept from them by their parents test their love to the breaking point, and the extraordinary gift they possess unleashes powerful forces intent on dividing them forever.”

Another Netflix™ TV series, which is not necessarily a bad thing — unless you don’t have Netflix™ — ha! This sounds like YET ANOTHER spin on the ‘ol “Romeo and Juliet” thing, but with some supernatural stuff and probably way too much plot-stalling smooching.

Ouija House

OUIJA HOUSE (2018)
“To help her down-on-her-luck mother, a graduate student brings her friends to a mysterious house where they plan to do research for a book project. But they inadvertently summon an evil entity with plans of its own.”

Anyone who f’s with anything Ouija has to know by now it’s like those warning signs on cigarette packages that say (in all caps): “CAUTION: CIGARETTE SMOKING MAY BE HAZARDOUS TO YOUR HEALTH.” They should just change “cigarette smoking” to “summoning evil” and start putting that label on Ouija boards.

Knuckleball

KNUCKLEBALL (2018)
“After his grandfather unexpectedly dies in the night, 12 year-old Henry finds himself cut off and alone on an isolated farm. When his nearest neighbor, Dixon, realizes that the boy has no one to protect him, Henry becomes a target for reasons he cannot understand. With his parents at least 24 hours from returning and a massive snowstorm brewing, Henry retreats into the house and prepares for a siege. What follows is a desperate battle for survival that will also unlock the terrifying connection between his family and the killer next door.”

Sounds like Home Alone (1990), but with more stabbing.

There’s An Urban Legend In My Basement

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Slashers, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 14, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Ghostkeeper

Disclaimer: There is no ghost in 1980’s The Shining knock-off, Ghostkeeper. I saw nothing invisible, and I approve this message. 

There’s an huge lodge buried deep in the Canadian mountains and genital-deep snow. There’s an old, stink woman who resides in the lodge. She could use some moisturizer and some product for her broomstick hair. Also living in the massive “hotel” is her son. He’s out hunting for delicious killables for dinner.

Ghostkeeper

Two hot chicks and a sex-minded smug dude arrive by snowmobiles at the lodge, despite warnings from an old dude in town to not go deep in the backwoods as there’s a huge storm coming. Snowmobiles are like jet-skis, but jet-skis go on water and… Wait, snow is water, just frozen, so…oh crap — I’m in over my head with this metaphor.

Ghostkeeper

The old woman reluctantly lets the three stay overnight. Jenny is the girlfriend of Marty, the guy who doesn’t hide the fact he wants to bone Chrissy, the other hot chick, who is all but putting it on the plate for him — right in front of Jenny. Awkward. The old woman tells Jenny she’s strong and…different, also making ominous statements like “I’m getting to old for this job” and that “there must always be someone to take the job.” Okay, that’s right out of The Sentinel (1977). Wonder if the old woman saw that movie? It was pretty good.

Ghostkeeper

Chrissy decides to bait Marty’s hook with a late night naked and/or nude bath. Unfortunately, she’s just been drowned by the old woman’s son before she can rinse off. He takes the naked body (not shown) out to the shed (not basement, as foretold on the VHS box cover), where she is summarily chopped up with a hatchet (not shown) and fed to this not-ghost dude chained in a dirt room. You only see him for a second, but he looks like a zombie version of a Lynyrd Skynyrd roadie. But he’s not really a roadie — he’s the mythical Windigo/Wendigo, a monster that derives its nutrients/calories from human flesh.

Ghostkeeper

From here things turn into liberal shovels full of The Shining (1980), with Marty ending up freezing to death outside after going bonkers, and Jenny, figuring out her new position in the company, pulls a Jack Torrance on the old woman and her son. She then confronts the Windigo/Wendigo/Roadie and promises to take care of it. And you know what that means — human pulled pork Sloppy Joes for dinner! 

Colorful Horror, Submarine-Sized Sharks, Language Virus

Posted in Evil, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Sharks, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 10, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Beauty of Horror: Ultimate Nightmare

If you read this blog on November 10, 2017 (if not, what’s your plausible excuse?), I tagged artist/Life of Agony bassist Alan RobertsThe Beauty of Horror coloring books. Now, just a scant weeks later, comes news of The Beauty of Horror: Ultimate Nightmare Deluxe Coloring Set, arriving arrives in stores September 2018 from IDW Publishing. Time to break out the sidewalk chalk (or your preferred art medium).

The insanely cool set is sized at 12” x12”, same as a vinyl record album, only you supply the grooves. The set is said to include fan favorites from The Beauty of Horror Volume One, Volume Two: Ghouliana’s Creepatorium, Volume Three: Haunted Playgrounds, and showcases three, paper-spanking new Alan Robert exclusives. Think of it as a “greatest hits plus.”

The cost? Does it matter? All you need to know is that you need to own this. Crayons not included. And while we impatiently wait for September (I’m actually impatiently waiting for National Hot Dog Month in July), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi flicks that may or may not fill your world with colorful, pant-staining scares…

THE MEG (August 10, 2018)
“A deep-sea submersible — part of an international undersea observation program — has been attacked by a massive creature, previously thought to be extinct, and now lies disabled at the bottom of the deepest trench in the Pacific…with its crew trapped inside. With time running out, expert deep sea rescue diver Jonas Taylor is recruited to save the crew — and the ocean itself — from this unstoppable threat: a prehistoric 75-foot-long shark known as the Megalodon, bringing him face to face once more with the greatest and largest predator of all time.”

The Meg

Meg, as you might know, is short for Megalodon, the largest shark ever to have strained dinosaurs through it’s mega mouth like krill through a blue whale’s surfer-hole. If you haven’t seen the trailers for this, be prepared to pollute the aquarium. This shark is supersized and makes the shark (“Bruce”) in Jaws (1975) look like a carnival goldfish. Another supersized bonus: this one is coming out in 3D, which is one better — and more expensive — than 2D. I care not — the already over-priced movie theatre can have a bigger bite out of my paycheck for this one. (Wonder if they’ll take a post-dated check?)

Dead By Midnight

DEAD BY MIDNIGHT (2018)
“It’s Halloween at WKIZ when the malicious Mistress of Midnight arrives to host her annual horror movie marathon ‘Dead By Midnight’. When the WKIZ staff begins disappearing only to turn up in the increasingly darker films, it’s up to line producer Candice Spelling to stop the Mistress before her final and most diabolical film goes to air.”

Cool premise. Wonder is the Mistress of Midnight is single? If she’s as delicious as she is malicious, I should like to apply for the job as her evil smooch buddy. And hey, if she casts me in one of her dark films, I’d be flattered. Won’t do it for free, though; living or not, the rent’s gotta be paid

Pontypool Changes

PONTYPOOL CHANGES (2018/2019)
“The sequel to Pontypool (2008), in which a virus is transferred from one person to another by way of words in the English language.”

Not even sure this is gonna be a take-to-market movie. For starters, really craptacular movie key art. Looks fan-made. Secondly, the first Pontypool, while intriguing the way a can of soup with the label missing is, had a dumb premise. So if a virus is passed via English language, learn French.

Party Hard, Die Young

PARTY HARD, DIE YOUNG (2018/2019)
“Finally, graduation! No more high school! In order to celebrate Julia, her classmates and thousands of fellow graduates are on their way to an island resort in Croatia. It’s supposed to be the party of their lives. The harmless fun, however, soon turns dead serious. When a friend is killed in a tragic accident, the party people’s euphoria is crushed. Moreover, Julia’s best friend Jessica has been missing and she is the only one who believes in a connection between the two incidents. Unfortunately soon after, her suspicion is confirmed when Jessica’s lifeless body is washed up on the shore. Now the trip is about sheer survival, as Julia realizes that she’s probably the next victim. Could it all be connected to a long-buried incident from the clique’s past?”

Yes. Yes, it is all connected to a cliched long-buried incident from the clique’s past. Move along — nothing to see here.

Sea Ya Sharks, Mansion Ghosts, Farm To Market Cannibals

Posted in Fantasy, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Sharks, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 9, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Sharknado

On July 25, 2018 we’ll be saying goodbye to the gooftacular Sharknado universe with the latest, as-yet-untitled Sharknado sequel. (They should call it Will The Last Sharknado Leaving The Ocean, Please Turn Off The Faucet? A bit wordy, but nail on the head.) Note to selves: I tagged this one on February 22, 2018. Then I washed and combed my hair for two hours.

Sharknado

The left-field hit series that started as a waterspout that pulls sharks out of the ocean and dumps them all over Los Angeles, started in 2013 with Sharknado, and successfully regurgitated the formulaic plots with endless celebrity cameos with Sharknado: The Second One (2014), Sharknado: Oh Hell No! (2015), Sharknado: The 4th Awakens (2016) and Sharknado: Global Swarming (2017). Even before the new/final one, this is like the movie version of Hokey Pokey.

A really big shark

While we cross our fingers that this will indeed be the last Sharknado, were are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not belong in a watery grave…

Cartel 2045

CARTEL 2045 (May 1, 2018)
“The year is 2045, the continuing drug war has caused havoc between The United States and Mexico. Gear Side International, a robotics engineering company on the brink of bankruptcy, sells off their technology to the Cartel on the black market. With the advanced military robotics technology in the wrong hands the cartel uses it to their advantage; replacing their enforcers, hit men, and soldiers.”

Who needs robots when you have Machete himself to take care of future business? (Note to reader: It’s really Danny Trejo, who played the iconic badass Machete in previous kick ass films, though I’m not seeing much of a difference). I live in Seattle, but I have friends in Los Angeles who regularly eat at his restaurant: Trejos Tacos. Wonder if they chop up the taco fillings with a…machete? That’s be SO cool.

Wraith

WRAITH (May 8, 2018)
“After living in an old mansion for almost 10 years a family suddenly discovers a ghost-like presence trying to communicate with them.”

I would like to live in an old mansion that has a ghost-like presence. But does the squatting specter chip in on the cable bill, scrub toilets every other month and chase other ghosts out of the cellar, you know household chores everyone has to do? Might have to bring that up during the next family poltergeist pow-wow.

Beast

BEAST (May 11, 2018)
“A troubled young woman in a small island community falls for a mysterious outsider who empowers her to escape from her oppressive family. When he comes under suspicion for a series of brutal murders she defends him at all costs and learns what she is capable of.”

This one’s being described as a “warped adult fairy tale.” Works for me, though it seems like a really bad idea to a.) commit brutal murders, and b.) do it on a small community island. Unless you’re Aquaman’s cousin’s brother’s nephew and could swim away from the cops, you’re pretty much dry-docked in the zip code.

The Farm

THE FARM (2018/2019)
“A young couple gets kidnapped and treated like farm animals after stopping at a roadside diner to eat meat.”

I don’t hang out in barns (anymore), so I’m not sure how farm animals are being treated these days. If I remember the Old MacDonald literary works correctly, cows and chickens and beavers get three hots and a cot. Doesn’t sound that bad to me.