Archive for the Slashers Category

Catch And Release Monsters, FBI vs. UFOs, Arabic Ghouls

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 15, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Loch Ness Monster

If you ever catch the highly-marketable Loch Ness Monster, just know that its protected by the Scottish Natural Heritage, which demands you throw the beast back in the lake, lest ye be severely punished, probably with a stick or something.

Loch Ness Monster

If you think this is not serious, guess again. The following comes from recent BBC news report; “Scottish officials have a plan ready if the Loch Ness Monster is ever caught. Officials drew up a set of guidelines on how to protect the new species — including releasing it back into its watery home.”

Loch Ness Monster

“The ‘partly serious, partly fun’ code of practice was written in 2001 by Scottish Natural Heritage, which is funded by the Scottish government. SNH said it will “dust off” the plan and put it into action should the fabled beast be discovered, reports the BBC.”

Loch Ness Monster

“It says officials should take a DNA sample from the monster so scientists can study the creature. Then it should be released back into the Loch with measures put in place to make sure it is not disturbed — as it would be an extremely rare species needing conservation.”

Loch Ness Elephant

Before you head to the corner bait shop (no, not a sushi restaurant) to get a bigger fishing pole, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not need to be thrown in a lake…

Along Came The Devil

ALONG CAME THE DEVIL (August 10, 2018)
“A troubled teen Ashley is sent to live with her estranged Aunt Tanya. While in her old hometown she has visions of her deceased mom, driving her to try to contact the spirit world putting her soul into grave danger.”

Ghoul

GHOUL (August 24, 2018/Netflix™)
“Based on Arabic folklore, Ghoul is a chilling series about a prisoner who arrives at a remote military interrogation center and turns the tables on his interrogators, exposing their most shameful secrets.”

Sound familiar? It should — it comes directly from the Stephen King TV mini series, Storm of the Century (1999). That one had a lot of weather in it.

UFO

UFO (September 4, 2018/DVD)
Derek is a brilliant college student and haunted by a childhood UFO sighting. He believes that mysterious sightings reported at multiple airports across the United States are UFOs. With the help of his girlfriend, Natalie and his advanced mathematics professor, Dr. Hendricks, Derek races to unravel the mystery with FBI special agent Franklin Ahls on his heels.”

You don’t need to be a brilliant college student to know that UFOs are real. Every high school drop out knows that.

Hell Fest

HELL FEST (September 28, 2018)
“On Halloween night, three young women and their respective boyfriends head to Hell Fest — a ghoulish traveling carnival that features a labyrinth of rides, games and mazes. They soon face a bloody night of terror when a masked serial killer turns the horror theme park into his own personal playground.”

Liked this better when it was called The Funhouse (1981). Looks like someone’s been double-dipping into idea bowl (aka, Hollywood toilet) again.

A Mouthful of Tongues

Posted in Misc. Horror, Science Fiction, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , on July 10, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Sixteen Tongues

I watched Sixteen Tongues (1999), a pseudo-intellectual, cyberpunk porn sci-fi, twice and still didn’t understand it. OK, I get the porn part, but the rest is pseudo-intellectual bull pucky.

Sixteen Tongues

Here’s what I pieced together: In the future a cop, horribly damaged by an explosion, is patched back together using the tongues of 16 people. An understatement to say he looks…unusual. He also makes people (male and female) pleasure him orally, then shoots them in the head. At no point did he read them their rights.

Sixteen Tongues

He lives in a seedy hotel next door to two shaved ladies, one into men, the other not, but both into each other. One is a horny Asian assassin with a freak fetish, the other a techno-junkie, on the search for a killer.

Sixteen Tongues

The horny assassin visits tongue man next door and she pleasures him with her tongue. He thanks her by not shooting her in the head, but leaves an oil slick of blood all over her chest as a souvenir of their first romantic moment. What a gentleman.

Sixteen Tongues

From there I lost the narrative. Hardcore porn plays on the TV around the clock but it’s blurred just enough to get a NR-rating. (That stands for No Refund.) In the end, a pretentious indie film made by people who don’t even know themselves what the movie is about.

Printed Splatter, Foreign Demons, Immortal Daycare

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Sharks, Slashers, Vampires, Werewolves, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 1, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Ad Nauseam: Newsprint Nightmares from the 1980s

Before there were iPads™ and “smart tablets,” you got your news and non-porn ads from newspapers. Those things were cool — lots of pictures, tons of useless information and you never had to plug it in or recharge it. It was in those newspapers that movie companies placed ads. And in the ’80s, you got gore and slasher movie ads, which were an art form unto themselves.

Ad Nauseam: Newsprint Nightmares from the 1980s

Author/horror movie expert Michael Gingold (Fangoria, Rue Morgue, Birth.Movies.Death, Time Out New York, Scream, The FrightFest Guide to Monster Movies, Shark Movie Mania), has a new book coming out October 9, 2018 called Ad Nauseam: Newsprint Nightmares from the 1980s, a compilation of all those luridly glorious horror movie/TV ads. And even more frightening is the price: $34.95. In 1980s money, that’s worth the price of nearly 140 newspapers. That’s some serious fire hazard buying power.

Ad Nauseam: Newsprint Nightmares from the 1980s

I’m thinkin’ that the reprinted horror movie ads are all black and white, which gives ‘em a grindhouse-y aesthetic. The book might have a few color ads, though, (I’m hoping to see The Evil Dead/1981 ads in full blood-esque color).

Ad Nauseam: Newsprint Nightmares from the 1980s

While we impatiently wait for October (why won’t my homemade time tunnel work? I put new double AA batteries in it…), here are a few upcoming horror movies/TV series that may or may not be worth cutting out of a newspaper or downloaded onto your maxi-iPad™…

Wellington Paranormal

WELLINGTON PARANORMAL (July 11, 2018/New Zealand)
“The new mockumentary series follows officers Minogue and O’Leary as a pair of paranormal cops focused not just on vampires this time. New Zealand’s capital is a hotbed of supernatural activity, so Officers Minogue and O’Leary take to the streets to investigate all manner of paranormal phenomena including ghosts, demonic possession and werewolves.”

This is the TV series sequel to the incredibly hilarious What We Do In The Shadows (2014) vampire movie, and will premier July 11, 2018 on New Zealand channel TVNZ. My antennae doesn’t reach that far. Word around the antennae store, though, is the follow-up movie is tentatively titled, We’re Wolves. Flippin’ genius.

Open 24 Hours

OPEN 24 HOURS (2018)
“Mary knew her boyfriend James was the Rain Ripper serial killer. But she felt powerless to act until he forced her to watch another victim being slaughtered before her eyes — and then she set him on fire. On parole from prison despite everyone thinking she was guilty by proxy, and on medication to control her paranoid hallucinations, Mary gets a graveyard shift job at the remote Deer gas station. Then the killings begin. Is what’s happening real? Are they just blood-soaked delusions? Or does she really like to watch people murdered as her ex always intimated?”

Rain Ripper seems like a dumb name for a serial killer. And since when does a pyromaniac get a job at a gas station? That’s like me going to work for Anheuser-Busch. (Note to AB — I totally promise to stay drunk on the job, as I am a company man, through and through.)

The Witch in the Window

THE WITCH IN THE WINDOW (2018/2019/Shudder™)
“A separated father Simon and his estranged twelve-year-old son, Finn, head to Vermont to repair an old farmhouse and encounter the malicious spirit of a previous owner, an infamously cruel woman named Lydia. With every repair Simon makes, he’s also making her spirit stronger…until a terrifying encounter leaves him doubting whether he can protect his son from the evil that’s making its way into their heads and hearts.”

“Infamously cruel.” That’s some serious street cred. Looks good on a resume, though, especially when applying to work for Yelp™.

NOS4A2

NOS4A2 (2019/AMC)
“A young female artist named Vic McQueen discovers she has a supernatural connection with Charlie Manx, a seemingly immortal man who feeds off the souls of children and deposits their remains in a twisted holiday village known as Christmasland. Vic sets out to defeat Manx and rescue his victims while keeping her sanity intact.”

This one’s gonna be a TV series (whoohoo — binge time!) on AMC, and is based on the same named 2013 book by Joe Hill, Stephen King’s son. I can see why he didn’t take his dad’s last name — then he’d be “Joe King/Joking”. Heh.

30 Years of Elvira, Synthetic Sex, Black Magic Punk Rock

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Slashers, TV Vixens, Witches, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 24, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Elvira, Mistress of the Dark

Elvira (aka, Cassandra Peterson), the timeless and beautiful/bountiful horror movie hostess, is hosting a 30th Anniversary screening of her 1988 classic horror comedy movie, Elvira, Mistress of the Dark, on Thursday, October 4th in Salem, Massachusetts. Tickets are a wallet-stretching $50 general admission and are on sale now. Elvira will be 67 by the time of the screening, and to look at her now (quick, what color are her eyes?), you’d think she is still mint-in-box.

Elvira

Also times to the screening is Arrow Video’s Blu-ray releasing of the movie, which as horror movie fans know, will be the first time in its available in that format. Wish it was in 3D. Ahem.

Elvira

In Elvira, Mistress of the Dark, the cult-movie TV hostess inherits an old New England house, a poodle and a black magic cookbook. But no one ever said, “Hey, let’s go see a movie with a poodle and a black magic cookbook!” One look at Elvira and you’ll see what she so effectively uses to pay the rent. This is one time you want the event to go bust. Heh.

Here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies to watch while I go outside and get slapped in the head for my insensitive remarks…

How It Ends

HOW IT ENDS (July 13, 2018)
“As a mysterious apocalypse causes the spread of misinformation and violence, a man and his estranged father-in-law race across a chaotic and fractured country to save his pregnant wife.”

Standard post-apocalyptic scenario — go from one side of the country to the other, while navigating (pick one or more) zombies, gangs, criminals, stinky punk rock maniacs, Mad Max. I have enough trouble getting from one side of the grocery store to the other. (Why can’t they put the salted snack treats next to the beer cooler? Utter madness.)

Zoe

ZOE (July 20, 2018/Amazon Prime Video)
“Two colleagues at a revolutionary research lab design technology to improve and perfect romantic relationships. As their work progresses, their discoveries become more profound than they could ever have imagined.”

What the press release doesn’t tell you, the trailer shows: a scientist designs a synthetic chick and falls in love with it and wants to insert his hard drive into her software. Wasn’t this the subtext of Ex-Machina (2014)? On that note, inflatable love dolls are far less expensive, easier to maintain and, more importantly, clean.

Boogeyman Pop

BOOGEYMAN POP (2018)
“A bat-wielding, masked killer in a rusted-out black Cadillac weaves in and out of three interlocking stories awash in sex, drugs, punk rock, black magic, and broken homes.”

You really can’t go wrong when you mix punk rock with black magic. The rusted-out Caddie is but mere artistic expression. I hope it comes with a full tank of sex and drugs. P.S. Don’t do drugs. I’d say don’t do sex, either, as it too is a gateway drug and… Crap, I did it again — now I’m way over my head. Bailing now while I can.

Monster

MONSTER (2018)
Emily is tired of her life. In a dead-end job that she hates and an employer who takes advantage of her, she dreams of a life away from the daily grind. Her life will take an unexpected turn, however when she is snatched from work and bundled into a van. She awakes later in the isolated Remington home, a place of death and violence where depravity and horror are the norm. Led by the fearsome Richard, the undisputed head of the household, Emily discovers that the Remington’s are organizing a very special birthday party and she is the guest of honor. When the birthday boy — the Remington’s seven-foot-tall hulk of a son appears, Emily realizes she is more than just a guest and their intentions for her are much more sinister.”

Word at the bus stop is that the generically-titled Monster is a cross between The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974) and Natural Born Killers (1994). So, like, is this Bonnie and Clyde with power tools?

Slaughter Skier, Hacking The Head, Religion Gone Wrong

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Misc. Horror, Science Fiction, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 20, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Army of Darkness

If you’re like me and would rather stick a poster on a wall instead of painting over an undisclosed stain, then click your heels/mouse and head on over to Hero Complex Gallery and get ready to cover your dirty paint shame with such incredible horror/sci-fi framable art, from Army of Darkness to The Witch to Aliens, and lots more.

The Witch

Each print is a generous 24” x36” and runs about $50.00+ each. To sweeten the pot, the prints are limited to 275 and are made with metallic and fluorescent inks. It’s like sticking your face into a hippie washing machine.

Aliens

After you order all their prints [click HERE], check out these upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that you may or may not want to stick your face into…

Minutes To Midnight

MINUTES TO MIDNIGHT (July 3, 2018)
“Seven friends and a mysterious backpacker converge at a desolate ski lodge in the mountains and as the clock begins the countdown to the New Year, they discover that the end of the old year may be the end of all their years as they are systematically hunted down by ruthless masked men with a deadly agenda.”

I liked this better when it was called The Strangers (2008) You’re Next (2013), and dealer’s choice of nearly all the ‘80s slasher movies.

Mad Genius

MAD GENIUS (July 3, 2018)
Mad genius and hacker, Mason Wells has a mission to ‘hack the human mind’ in order to save humanity, but first must reconcile his multiple alter egos. His most threatening alter ego, Finn, pushes Mason to do whatever is necessary to accomplish their mission including theft, bribery and intimidation. As their mission reaches the brink of danger, they become hunted by a nihilistic madman named Eden after they steal his technology and discover that he is working on the exact same project that they are. Ultimately, Mason discovers the only way to defeat Eden may be the ultimate hack, one he never thought imaginable.”

All that trouble when all he has to do to hack the human mind is to hack open a beer and start downloadin’.

The Devil's Doorway

THE DEVIL’S DOORWAY (July 13, 2018)
Northern Ireland, 1960: Father Thomas Riley and Father John Thornton are dispatched by the Vatican to investigate reports of a miracle— a statue of the Virgin Mary weeping blood — at a remote Catholic asylum for ‘immoral’ women. Armed with 16mm film cameras to record their findings, the priests instead discover a depraved horror show of sadistic nuns, satanism, and demonic possession. Supernatural forces are at work here — but they are not the doing of God. Inspired by the infamous true histories of Magdalene Laundries — in which ‘fallen women’ were held captive by the Irish Catholic Church — this found footage occult shocker is a chilling encounter with unspeakable evil.”

Career religious people doing non-religious activities? And this is new how? Still, it seems to have all the right ingredients.

The Row

THE ROW (July 27, 2018)
“With a serial killer preying upon girls on campus, Riley, an incoming freshman, finds herself entangled in a sinister plot involving a dark secret at the sorority that she pledged, while her father, Cole — the detective investigating the case — must uncover the identity of the killer before it’s too late…and Riley becomes the next victim.”

Yep, standard serial killer plot #101. Heck, so plentiful are these, you can even buy these scripts in pawn shops.

9 Years of Parade-Worthy Horror

Posted in Aliens, Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Sharks, Slashers, UFOs, Vampires, Werewolves, Witches, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 9, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Horror Questions

Today is the nine-year anniversary of my very first posting on WordPress™. After I upload this, I’m going outside to wait for my parade. There’s sure to be tens, maybe dozens, of people showing up, so I better get there early to get a good viewing spot. Okay, that made no sense at all.

Thriftway

That said, over the years and in line at the grocery hole (Thriftway™ — more expensive than Safeway™, but easier to get to), I’ve been asked a least one million billion questions about myself and this here Drinkin’ & Drive-in blog. Figured it was about time to put it on the glass so everyone who reads this thing (thank you) can finally get some closure.

Horror

“How long have you been doing the Drinkin’ & Drive-in blog and how did you get started?”
I was hired by Microsoft (aka, MSNEntertainment.com) back in 1997 to do a PAID daily horror/sci-fi movie blog called Fright Site. That program ended in 2010 (at least their checks didn’t bounce), but I wasn’t done yet. After about three seconds of studied and careful consideration, I started up Drinkin’ & Drive-in on WordPress.com and have been doing it WITHOUT PAY since June 9, 2010. So 25 years total, give or take. (I’m not really a math guy.)

Horror

How come you don’t accept paid advertising on your blog?
Because ads suck. I’d rather keep doing the blog for no pay than have it cluttered with banners promoting trendy pants and boxed squeezy mattresses. (Disclaimer: WordPress™ might have small pop-up ads that, like my thirst for beer, I have no control over.)

Ultimate Hamburger

“How would you describe your blog?
I don’t do horror/sci-fi/fantasy movie reviews as it requires more brains than I currently have operating inside the vending machine that is my head. Rather, I just endlessly watch all kinds of horror and sci-fi and merely relate what I’ve witnessed. As opposed to a food critic, I would rather not analyze the notes and complexities of food and just eat the damn hamburger.

Godzilla

“What are your favorite kinds of horror movies?”
Longtime readers (thank you, David. H and Jon from NC) will know I’m a big fan of giant monster movies, Japanese or otherwise. This is followed by ghosts, werewolf and shark movies. My least favorite types of horror movies are those with slashers/serial killers. There’s more than enough of those types of people in the news everyday. For sheer crazy weirdness, I really dig those Japanese extreme gore movies and pretty much anything regarding UFOs.

UFO

“Have you ever seen a UFO?”
Not as yet. But I do believe the people who say they’ve seen one. The truth is out there, I want to believe, etc., etc. I do, however, eat UFOs  almost every day: unidentified frying objects.

Zombeavers

“Are there any types of horror movies you won’t watch?”
Though I have seen enough of ‘em to know not to watch that kind of stuff anymore, are horror movies involving torture porn, rape and real or fake violence against real and/or fake animals, though I will make an exception for critters that are zombies. (I’m looking in your direction Zombeavers/2014). Oddly, I don’t feel the same way about violence towards fish. (Ironically, I’m eating a tuna fish sandwich while writing this.)

“You don’t use swear words in your blog — why not?”
Anyone can swear — it’s like the karaoke of language. My “journalism skills” are offensive enough without adding salty/florid language to it. That, and I just sound dumber than usual if I do.

Horror

“What are your favorite horror/sci-fi movies?”
Too many to list, but here’s a few classics I never get tired of watching over and over and over: Planet of the Apes (1968); Godzilla (1954); The Legend of Hell House (1973); 30 Days of Night (2007); The Thing (1982); The Wolf-Man (1941); Alien (1979); The Evil Dead (1981); Let The Right One In (2008); An American Werewolf in London (1981), and A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984). There’s about two dozen more, but this is a nice representation of my cinematic tastes.

horror

Recent ones (as this time and space) that kicked me in the britches are The Witch (2015), It (2017), It Follows (014), Stranger Things (2016), The Babadook (2014), Godzilla (2014), Shin Godzilla (2017) and Kong: Skull Island (2017), to name a few.

Budweiser

“After all these years, why keep going?”
A curious but relentless compulsion, really. That, and it’s a way to justify all those decades sitting on a couch watching TV. And no, I’m not fat from doing that, nor would I even think about body shaming someone who is. I currently weigh just 6.5 lbs. over my target weight for height and age, despite my insatiable thirst for all things adult beverages, which is generally Budweiser™. And I don’t drink hard alcohol — too many notes. That’s not to say I’d turn down a complimentary sip or three. Ahem.

Alcohol

What critique would you give your blog?
I tend to ramble. I feel as though it should be more “don’t bore us — get to the chorus.” But I don’t wanna leave anything out. Obsession is harsh mistress. Also, I occasionally repeat myself due to the erratic nature of both my brainwaves and horror movie release schedules. That bugs the insects outta me.

Horror

“How come your blog or even yourself is not on social media?”
I do this blog for free, so why make more work for myself? As for me not being on social media, besides the fact that trendy medium sucks green donkeys, I don’t think the world needs to hear what I had for breakfast or what cat video I just watched.

“How old are you?”
For an accurate answer, cut my liver in half and count the rings.

Horror

“How much longer are you going to keep doing Drinkin’ & Drive-in?”
That’s up to my liver.

Lunar Health, Camping Aliens, Home Groan Farming

Posted in Aliens, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 29, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Space Travel

In a quest to contact my space brothers, I found a recent Outer Space: Where Science Meets Science Fiction video article on AOL.com (is that thing still around?) about the five effects space travel has on you. Think of it as primer, not unlike going to a tanning booth several weeks before a tropical vacation so you don’t go up like a piece of bacon in a microwave while sucking down artificially colored adult Slushees™ on the first day at the beach without sunblock or a big foofy hat.

Space Travel

1. Height. According to the laws and physics of science as it applies to space travel, zero gravity can expand your vertebrae by 3%. This means you’ll have to pack extra long space britches. Warning: you will return to normal height once back on Earth. Don’t know about you, but I don’t plan on coming back. Wonder if Big & Tall™ sells extra-large Speedos™?

2. Being in space weakens your muscle and bones. Pffft — so does laying on your couch after binge watching Lost in Space on Netflix™. 

3. The size and shape of your heart can be affected. That’s if you even have one. I don’t.

4. Isolation in space can weaken your immune system. It’s claimed that unhealthy microbes can easily pass from food and other space travelers like swapping spit in a meteor shower. Solution: Just drink Romulan Ale and don’t try any lip locks in the air locks.

5. Your airless environment can be a cause of depression and sleep disorders. This is because there’s a 90-minute light/dark cycle in space versus the Earth’s 24-hour cycle. We Earthers have already solved that problem by leaving our TVs/iPads/smart phones on all night, bathing us in refreshing blue wave light. Some say that’s not good for you. I say it gives us more time to watch more TV and Internet cat videos. How can that possibly be depressing?

Space Travel

So it looks like I’m all set to fill out my immigration papers to gain citizenship on any planet other than this. And while I wait for a green card light signal from a distant galaxy approving my space visa, here are a few now available/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not affect the size and shape of your heart. Or vertebrae.

The Aliens

THE ALIENS (available now)
“A UFO believer must choose between the aliens above he has never seen or the mysterious guide who appears in his campsite week after week.”

The mysterious guide is probably Yogi Bear coming for your pic-a-nic basket. (I knew watching old cartoons would someday pay off.)

Who’s Watching Oliver

WHO’S WATCHING OLIVER (July 3, 2018)
“A mentally unstable loner is lost in a life forced upon him. By night Oliver aimlessly wanders the streets and bars on what can only be described as a truly shocking and humiliating killing spree. His only savior and possible way out of a life he is desperate to escape comes in the form of the beautiful Sophia with her sweet eccentricity and naivety to the danger she has put herself in.”

Sophia could very well have been my babysitter, though I didn’t go on shocking and humiliating killing sprees. More like shocking and humiliating cookie jar assaults.

Solis

SOLIS (2018)
“When Troy Holloway wakes up to find himself trapped aboard a drifting escape pod shooting towards the Sun he quickly realizes the true terror of his situation. With rapid oxygen depletion and a burn-up rate of 90 minutes, Commander Roberts leads a rescue party to save Holloway before time runs out.”

Two words for Troy before plunging into the Sun: Bring marshmallows.

Maniac Farmer

MANIAC FARMER (2018)
“A group of street punks led by the murderous Blasphemous Rex meet their match when they choose to terrorize a seemingly helpless farmer who ends up turning the tides on the group, and the hunters become the hunted.”

A plot so weak, even a spinach-less Popeye could rip it in half. So what does this “maniac” farmer do on his farm? Grow killer tomatoes? (Tell me you got that reference.)