Monochrome Kaiju, Purging Priest, Aliens Hate Raves

It was a huge national debate after the movie Godzilla (aka, Gojira) premiered in 1954 — is the monster green or some sort of skid mark brown? No one could tell as Godzilla was a black and white movie. (Given Godzilla’s reptile lineage, green was the side of the street most people stood on.)

Now, with the release of Mezco Toys™ Kaiju Collective Godzilla (1954) Black and White Edition Figure, the argument can finally be settled — the famous monster is…DARK GREY. And Mezco Toys™ is replicating our favorite colorless monster with this figure straight out of 1954.

From EntertainmentEarth’s press release (that’s where you can buy one or more for $140.00): “The Kaiju Collective Godzilla (1954) features an all-new seamless body designed with an internal skeleton armature that is durable yet highly posable, a hinged jaw that opens and closes, and is approximately 8” tall and 12” from teeth to tail. The beastly behemoth comes with interchangeable hands that allow him to hold his included accessories like a jet plane and railway. The included dilapidated building replicas, military tanks, canons, and heat ray FX assist in recreating a multitude of unique display options.” EntertainmentEarth.com is taking preorders (click here) for a December 2023 fulfillment date — just in time for me to be Christmas-gifted with one ‘o these action figures.  

So while we all purge our lives of all things hippie day-glo color and immerse ourselves in black and white (if it’s good enough for Godzilla, it’s good enough for EVERYONE), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make you turn green or some sort of skid mark brown…

BOSTON STRANGLER / March 17, 2023 (Hulu™)

“Loretta McLaughlin, a reporter for the Record-American newspaper, becomes the first journalist to connect the Boston Strangler murders. As the mysterious killer claims more and more victims, Loretta attempts to continue her investigation alongside colleague and confidante Jean Cole, yet the duo finds themselves stymied by the rampant sexism of the era. Nevertheless, McLaughlin and Cole bravely pursue the story at great personal risk, putting their own lives on the line in their quest to uncover the truth.”

That super mean Boston Strangler guy murdered 13 women back in the ‘60s in Boston of all places. He (you already know who BS is) died in 1973, ironically from choking on Ladies’ Fingers.

THE POPE’S EXORCIST / April 14, 2023 (Theaters)

“Portrayal of a real-life figure Father Gabriele Amorth, a priest who acted as chief exorcist of the Vatican and who performed more than 100,000 exorcisms in his lifetime. (He passed away in 2016 at the age of 91.) Amorth wrote two memoirs — An Exorcist Tells His Story and An Exorcist: More Stories — and detailed his experiences battling Satan and demons that had clutched people in their evil.”

Some hellish math goin’ on here. If Father Gabriele Amorth performed more than 100,000 stated exorcisms during his 60 year+ headlining appearance at the Vatican Soul Food Bar & Grill, this means he would have had to do 1,666.666 demon-shooing procedures a year. That comes out to 4.56 exorcisms every day for six decades. No Saturday or Sunday nights off, no holidays, company parties or booze cruises. Just an assembly line of evil begone. 

Statistically, the Vatican’s “quantity over quality” chi-scrubbing means there’s likely a LOT of still demon-infected people who could have a case for a refund…and maybe some of those surprisingly delicious communion crackers priests love to hand out like blessed parking tickets.

COLD BLOWS THE WIND / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Dean and Tasha’s first mistake was driving drunk. Their second, hitting a jogger. Their third, driving out to a remote location to bury the body. Tensions build between them as they can’t agree about anything along the way. When a mysterious visitor arrives offering not to tell anyone about the body they buried in exchange for protection, their night goes from bad to worse. Will the two of them be able to work together to make it back home? Or will the rift between them lead to even more horrific mistakes?”

Reminds me of the old joke: “If you don’t like the way I drive, then stay off the sidewalk.” A day doesn’t go by where I don’t LOL over that one.

BLUE LIGHT / Release pending, 2023 (VOD)

“Seven childhood friends excitedly embark on a road trip in an old RV to the coolest underground music festival out there – Blue Light. It will turn into a nightmare journey for which there is no U-turn for survival. They will carry the scars of the experience for the rest of their lives — if they survive.”

A UFO movie. So the gang sees the UFO, thinks it’s festival rave lights, and get out of the RV and start dancing like they were idiot-streaming on TikTok™. Horrified, the aliens see this, then vaporize the party-goers with some sort of hi-tech vape-o-beam. I just spoiled the plot for you. Sorry, not sorry.

Evil Shindig, Teen Dead Speak, Human BBQ

Without hyperbole, this could be the best party ever in the history of the world: BruceFest, a three-day horror fan extravaganza featuring the legendary Bruce Campbell (Evil Dead — all of ‘em) and Ted Raimi (Evil Dead II, Ash vs Evil Dead, Deathly Spirits, Drag Me To Hell, lots more), is being held at Estes Park, Colorado’s Stanley Hotel (aka, The Overlook Hotel)…the one in The Shining (1980). From the mouth of The Bruce himself: “The Stanley inspired Stephen King to write The Shining when he stayed there. I love the fact that it’s supposed to be haunted.”

Here are the details: “Join us December 1— 3, 2022 for an intimate weekend with Bruce Campbell, Ted Raimi and 350 true fans, featuring Watch With… live commentary movie screenings, game rooms, Sam Raimi prop collection, photo and signing ops, immersive altered reality game & scavenger hunt, cosplay costume contest, Dance of the Dead, and more!”

“Purchase your pass with a 3-night stay at The Stanley and you’ll get: a BruceFest 2022 poster, signed by Bruce! A photo with The King himself (that’s Bruce!), a $100 PER NIGHT food & beverage credit, and a limited edition BruceFest + Stanley Hotel swag bag! Book your hotel stay now by calling (970) 577-4076. The price? A mere $650, which, if you act NOW, can get a 2-for-1 ticket deal. Groovy! Needless to say, there’s a ton MORE information on the Stanley Hotel website (click here).

While we figure out YET ANOTHER weak excuse to borrow money from someone’s parents/bank/mafia to get tickets, here are few out now/upcoming horror movies that may or may not be rentable on haunted hotel room TV screens…  

GROTESQUE / Out now (Tubi™)

“Mildred Moyer transforms from shy misfit to lovable psychopath when her back-alley plastic surgery is botched. Mildred unleashes brutal vengeance on all those who tormented her in the past.”

Lovable psychopath. That was my childhood nickname. Okay, probably not the “lovable” part. Just replace that word with “sh*thead.”

DARBY AND THE DEAD / December 2, 2022 (Hulu™)

After suffering a near-death experience as a young girl, Darby Harper gains the ability to see dead people. As a result, she becomes introverted and shut off from her high school peers and prefers to spend time counseling lonely spirits who have unfinished business on Earth. But all that changes when Capri, the Queen Bee of the school’s most exclusive clique, unexpectedly dies in a freak hair straightening accident, resulting in the obvious cancellation of her upcoming ‘Sweet 17.’ Capri, however, pleads with Darby from the other side to intervene and convince Capri’s friends to proceed with the party as planned. In order to appease the wrath of the undead diva, Darby must emerge from her self-imposed exile and reinvent herself — which along the way allows her to find new joy back in the land of the living.”

Even in death, teens are annoying. But spirit counseling the dead has been done before (looking in your direction The Sixth Sense/1999). Still, anticipating the “freak hair straightening” accident. Wonder if it’ll be as harsh as that time I tried it. Totally f’d up my Lemmy sideburns AND emo soul patch as well during the unexpectedly painful process. Probably shouldn’t have used Simple Green™.

HUMAN HIBACHI 2: FEAST IN THE FOREST / Release pending 2022 (VOD)

“A clan that lives deep in the woods have a taste for flesh. Through different tactics they find ways to lure unsuspecting campers or those that trespass on their land to their camp where they party and then butcher them for a good home cooked meal.”

Sounds twice as mouthwatering as Human Hibachi (2020), though I’d like to take a look at the menu to see what the appetizers and side dishes are.

HE NEVER LEFT / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Gabriel is a criminal on the run with his girlfriend Carly. The couple seek shelter in a run-down motel, only to hear terrifying noises emanating from the adjoining room. Soon, they find themselves the unlucky target of the Pale Face Killer, a masked murderer who has been tormenting the small town for years.”

Terrifying noises emanating in run-down motels are called amenities.

Feared Cities, Feared Houses, Feared Phones

Love it, hate it, makes you happy and/or happily throw up (looking in your direction AHS: Hotel/2015), American Horror Story/Season 11 (FX™) is set to land on your TV set October 19, 2022. (Write this down on a cocktail napkin for reference: The first two episodes of the 10-episode season will drop at 10 PM ET/PT on FX™ and will stream the next day on Hulu™. They will be followed by two episodes each Wednesday.) You’re welcome.

No plot as of this blogging. But the tagline for AHS: NYC reads: “New Season. New City. New Fears.” Disappointingly generic given AHS’ refreshingly twisted stories. But hey, fans will watch it regardless of spoilers because American Horror Story, if anything, is crazy bizarre, crazy gory, crazy violent and thereby recommended crazy family viewing.

Returning cast are favs Billie Lourd (her mom was Princess Leia), Zachary Quinto (he was Spock a couple of times), Leslie Grossman (dipped in AHS blood gunk since 2017), and the always uncanny Denis O’Hare, who earned two Primetime Emmy Award™ nominations for his AHS roles and played Liz Taylor in a cross dressing tour de force in AHS: Hotel (2015). Those gowns were literally to die for.

While we pack our bags for NYC, here are a few out now/upcoming horror movies that may or may not earn Primetime Emmy Award™ nominations…

MY BEST FRIEND’S EXORCISM / Out now (Amazon Prime Video)

“The year is 1988. High school sophomores Abby and Gretchen have been best friends since fourth grade. But after an evening of skinny-dipping goes disastrously wrong, Gretchen begins to act…different. She’s moody. She’s irritable. And bizarre incidents keep happening whenever she’s nearby. The fate of Abby and Gretchen will be determined by a single question: Is their friendship powerful enough to beat the Devil?”

How the HELL could an evening of high school girls skinny-dipping go wrong? Maybe evil got caught in someone’s “pool filter.”

MR. HARRIGAN’S PHONE / October 5, 2022 (Netflix™)

“A young boy named Craig, living in a small town, befriends Mr. Harrigan, an older, reclusive billionaire. The two form a bond over books and an iPhone™. But when the man passes away, the boy discovers that not everything dead is gone, and finds himself able to communicate with his friend from the grave through the iPhone™ that was buried with him.”

My iPhone™ doesn’t get calls from the dead. Just robots.

THE HARRISVILLE HAUNTING: THE REAL CONJURING HOUSE / October 18, 2022 (VOD)

“Four paranormal researchers and YouTubers™ document the paranormal claims of the former Arnold family farmhouse built in 1736. Now known as the Harrisville Farmhouse and the inspiration for the well known movie The Conjuring (2013). Are the extreme paranormal claims from the film real? Come along with researchers Matt Benton, Joe Vitale, Bill Cook, and Eric Conner as they delve into this mysterious haunting and share their incredible findings and evidence.”

This is what YouTubers™ consider gainful employment these days. You want paranormal? Trying cleansing the bathrooms at the Tug Tavern. Customers have been known to conjure a lot of “dark things” in there.

SATAN’S SLAVES: COMMUNION / November 4, 2022 (Shudder™)

“A family moves into a rundown apartment after escaping terror from their mother, who returned from death, not knowing their new home is a bigger threat to their lives.”

So what’s the bigger peril — mom returning from the grave or a backed up septic tank? Kind of a toss-up.

Zombie Headwear, Pig People, Lab Rats

Horror movie make-up legend Tom Savini and his Trick or Treat Studios is once again making his line of Halloween (or church) full-head zombie masks available for money. This is good news for those of us who want to explore a new fashion look for around $25.00. (No word if these masks are made of human skin.)

Savini knows what a zombie should look like, having worked on such horror movies as Dawn of the Dead (1978), Day of the Dead (1985) and even directing the Night of the Living Dead reboot in 1990. Using his vast experience and flesh-rotting art skills, Savini is offering the mask models “Graves,” “Mort” and “Tombed”, which will ship in August/September 2019.

While you hit up the boss for an advance on your paycheck to get in on this action, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be suitable for Halloween and/or church…

I’M JUST F*CKING WITH YOU (April 1, 2019/Hulu™)
“A man and his sister on the way to a family wedding endure a night of increasingly frightening practical jokes during a one-night stay at a secluded motel.”

Great movie title. Bet parents will be taking their under-age kids to this one.

RED 11 (pending distribution/2019)
“Red 11 is a horror/thriller set in a dark, twisted version of the Legal Drug Research world. At these facilities, young guys become lab rats to make quick money, but our hero RED 11 is here to buy his way out of a huge debt to the tune of $7,000. This story shows the quirks, characters, and comedy of being a human lab rat, but with a sci-fi and horror twist, because while under the influence of experimental drugs, Red 11 doesn’t know if what’s in front of him is fact or fiction.”

This one is from Robert Rodriguez, so even with the low production budget of $7,000, it’ll look at least like $9,000 movie. There’s an interesting TRUE story behind this (from the press release) — “The movie is based on the research hospital where Robert Rodriguez sold his body to pay for El Mariachi (1993), ‘Red 11’ is the shirt color and number he was assigned.” I need to find that place so I can get the rent paid this month. Let’s see Rodriguez make a movie outta that.

TALES FROM THE LODGE (2019/UK)
“In an isolated lodge somewhere in England, five old university pals, now nudging 40, gather for a weekend to scatter the ashes of their friend, Jonesy, who drowned himself in the lake three years earlier. They settle in for a fun evening, entertaining each other with stories of murders, ghosts, zombies and possessions, but as day turns to night the gang become aware of another horror story unfolding around them. And this one is real.”

Is this a cliched horror movie plot or an episode of Scooby Doo? Just thinkin’ out loud — I’ll probably watch it regardless.

BULLETS OF JUSTICE (2019)
“During the Third World War, the American government initiates a secret project named ‘Army Bacon’ in order to create super soldiers by breeding human beings with pigs. 25 years later a breed called ‘Muzzles’ have occupied the top of the food chain, eating and farming humans like animals. Rob Justice is an ex-bounty hunter working for the last line of human resistance – a group of survivors hiding in a nuclear bunker deep underground. His mission is to find out how Muzzles came to power and destroy them.”

Army bacon? Breeding humans with pigs? Hybrids called Muzzles? Head..about…to…explode — too…many…jokes…

X-Files Anniversary, Demonic Kids Games, Zombie Baby-Making

Talk about finding the Holy Grail of sci-fi TV series — 20th Century Fox Home Entertainment™ is issuing all 11 seasons/218 episodes of The X-Files on DVD/Blu-ray box set on October 15, 2018 to commemorate the pop culture phenomenon’s 25th anniversary. Now you can binge watch (take the week off from work) all those elusive flying saucers, aliens, monsters, demonic stuff, and subsequent government conspiracies. That’s the good news. The bad news is its only available (for now) in England. Blimey!

Yeah, there’s been X-Files box sets before, the last one released a few years ago and only went to Season 10. At $148.00 for the Blu-ray collection and $119.00 for the DVD set, it was still a bargain at twice the price. The only drag is that the new box set contains 59 discs; Trying to find a particular episode in a sea of shows seems unduly laborious (sorry — word of the day calendar).

So while you click on over to Amazon.co.uk to buy it ($117.00 in U.S. converted dollars), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be worthy of a Fox Muldar/Dana Scully investigation…

LIGHT AS A FEATHER (October 12, 2018/Hulu)
“An innocent game of ‘Light as a Feather, Stiff as a Board’ goes wrong when the five teen girls who played start dying off in the exact way that was predicted, forcing the survivors to figure out why they’re being targeted — and whether the evil force hunting them down is one of their own.”

Light as a feather, stiff as a board. Sounds more like a wishful health condition than a game. If it’s pure evil they’re looking for, those girls should start playing Twister™, the Exorcist edition.

WELCOME TO MERCY (November 2, 2018)
“A young woman struggles against the unholy forces that possess her in this terrifying occult thriller. After being stricken with stigmata, single mother Madaline is sent to a remote convent where nothing is what it seems and her friend August is seemingly the only person she can trust. Together, they must confront the demons inside Madaline before she becomes the Antichrist.”

Wikipedia™ defines stigmata as a term used in Christian Mysticism to describe the manifestations of bodily wounds, scars and pain in locations corresponding to the crucifixion wounds of Jesus Christ, such as the hands, wrists, and feet. My bartender defines it as falling into sharp sticker bushes while wobbling home unholy drunk.

MAIL ORDER MONSTER (November 6, 2018)
“12-year-old Sam Pepper lost her mother in a car accident and her reclusive, quirky nature makes her an easy target for bullying. Realizing she’d had enough, Sam orders the parts to build a ‘Monster’ from a comic book ad, and is finally able to get back at the bully. Life becomes gets more complicated when Sam discovers her father Roy proposes to his girlfriend Sydney, Pepper relies on her monster to keep her from getting a new mom.”

Comic book back page ads in my day only sold stuff like X-Ray glasses (didn’t work), live Seamonkeys (didn’t float), Kryptonite “rocks” (regular rocks painted green) and Space Shoes for $1.98 (still wearing ‘em).

ZOO (2018/2019)
“Karen and John have lost the spark of married life the day they were notified that they were unable to conceive. Now they almost live like the walking dead, imprisoned by everyday life and on the verge of divorce. When the world is hit by a pandemic that really turns people into zombies, the couple have to lock themselves in their apartment, waiting for rescue. While the world outside is falling apart, they are forced to find their way back to each other and reclaim their lost love.”

Stuck indoors while zombies are taking over outside and nothing to do but practice making babies? This doesn’t sound like a dark horror comedy but rather…THE BEST MOVIE IN THE WORLD!

Badass Aliens, Spooky Town, Zombie Rabies

Two new badass key art posters for the upcoming Predator (September 14, 2018) movie. There’s different titles on several of ‘em — one of the first posters says Pred4tor, and these say simply The Predator. I don’t care what they call it as I’ve been a Predator fan since the first movie (can’t remember what they called it) when it came out in 1987. I even tried to comb my hair to look like the dreadlocked Predator, even though everybody else at the time was trying to look like a member of Duran Duran.

As I e-barfed about this movie back in May, 2018, the plot revolves around the alien Predator hunters genetically hybriding themselves with DNA from other species. Here on Earth we call that getting lucky at Ladies Night (“Lois Lanes”) at the bowling alley. (And hey — microwaved nachos are only $1.99 while supplies last!)

Before you pull out the plaid and Aqua Velva™ cologne and head to the bowling alley, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/TV series that may or may not go good with $1.99 microwaved nachos…

CASTLE ROCK (July 25, 2018/Hulu™)
“Castle Rock combines the mythological scale and intimate character storytelling of Stephen King’s best-loved works, weaving an epic saga of darkness and light, played out on a few square miles of Maine woodland.”

The extended trailer for this 10 episode TV series looks pretty dang creepy. Guess I’ll have to bribe my neighbor with some sort of adult beverage with optional ice cubes and/or silly straw to get his Hulu™ login password and binge watch it.

HURT (July 26, 2018/Fantasia)
“Rose moves into a house in the woods close to her sister after her boyfriend gets deployed and things don’t go right when Halloween night arrives.”

Yeesh, they really don’t try to sell it with that generic/lame press release. Wonder if Rose has to do battle with Halloween raccoons out trick-or-treating for pine cones? Who wouldn’t want to see a movie like that?

PATIENT ZERO (August 14, 2018)
“An unprecedented global pandemic has resulted in the evolution of a new species. An aggressive form of rabies turns the infected into predators, addicted to violence. An inexplicably gifted human survivor with the ability to speak their new language spearheads a hunt for Patient Zero in order to find a cure to save his infected wife and humanity.”

The global pandemic that creates an aggressive form of rabies no doubt results in Republicans. That obvious truth stated, Patient Zero sounds like a cross between Pontypool (2008) and every other zombie movie from the last 10 years. You may now aggressively yawn.

MY WORST NIGHTMARE (Canada on T+E/Spring 2019)
“My Worst Nightmare explores harrowing recurring nightmares and brings them to life in vivid detail.”

This is gonna be Canadian documentary TV series, which means you should stock up on Moosehead Lager (5% alcohol), Molson Canadian (5% alcohol), Labatt Blue (5% alcohol), Sleeman’s Honey Brown (5.3% alcohol), Big Rock Traditional Ale (5% alcohol), and — winner! — Unibroue La Fin Du Monde (9% alcohol). Heck, try ’em all and bring your own nightmares to life in vivid detail.