The Horror of Seattle, Fake UFOs, Pyschedelic Moon

Finally — a film festival I can get to by bus/Lime™ e-scooter — Make Believe Seattle is my home town’s first-ever dedicated genre film fest devoted to horror, science fiction, fantasy, animation and related genre movies. Taking place March 23-26, 2023, the press release says it’ll be an “exclusively in-person event, with venues including SIFF Cinema Egyptian, Northwest Film Forum, West Hall (part of Century Ballroom), and Queer/Bar.” All I have to do is load up the fanny pack with enough snacks to sustain me for four days, and I’m all set.

Of the many films being screened (normally called “movies”, but not when they’re being premiered at an arts festival) include, Aliens Abducted My Parents And Now I feel Kinda Left Out, The Five Devils, Black Lodge, Poundcake, Pursued, Freaks Out and the fan film, Friday the 13th Vengeance 2: Bloodlines. There’s lots more, but it’d be easier on me if you’d just go to Make Believe Seattle’s website (click here) for the drill-down. P.S. Tickets range in price from $25.00 (Party Pass) to $150.00 (VIP Festival Pass).

While we find YET ANOTHER reason to skip work in anticipation of this film fest, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi TV series that may or may not be viewable accompanied by a well-stocked fanny snack pack…

THE UFO CHRONICLES: A HISTORY OF MYSTERIOUS SIGHTINGS / Out now (Amazon Prime Video™)

“As the discourse surrounding artificial intelligence builds, The UFO Chronicles: A History of Mysterious Sightings utilizes the technology as the first documentary feature written, illustrated, and performed entirely by AI. Co-directors Brian Cunningham and Matt Niehoff explore the intriguing history of unidentified flying objects, uncovering accounts of encounters from Christopher Columbus to the USS Nimitz. With a script, on-screen narrator, and footage all generated by AI, The UFO Chronicles both demonstrates the potential and pushes the boundaries of what’s possible with AI in the field of filmmaking.

If this thing is successful, AI is gonna put a lot of real UFOs out of work.

INVALUABLE: THE TRUE STORY OF AN EPIC ARTIST / Out now (Synapse Films™, DiabolikDVD™)

“This feature-length documentary focuses on Tom Sullivan, an artist/sculptor and college friend of Sam Raimi, Bruce Campbell and Rob Tapert who became an integral part of The Evil Dead films — creating makeup effects and designing the Book of the Dead, among others. It includes archival behind-the-scenes Super-8 film footage, Hi8, VHS, and vintage audiotapes and photographs, original location visits and all-new interviews with Campbell, Ted Raimi, Josh Becker, Danny Hicks, Hal Delrich, Ellen Sandweiss, Betsy Baker, Theresa Tilly (aka, Sarah York) and others.”

Not a compelling title for the guy who designed groundbreaking demonic vomit. (I’d have titled it, The Master of Puke, Grandmaster Puke or The Puke of Earl.) There’s four hours of bonus material, but probably doesn’t include a vomit stain removal tutorial. You’ll have to go to YouTube™ for that (click here).

WRECK / March 1, 2023 (Hulu™)

“19-year-old new recruit Jamie infiltrates a 1,000-strong crew in a desperate race to find his missing sister, who worked on the same ship but vanished mid-charter. An overworked and underpaid crew live lives of partying and excess and they remain oblivious to bloodthirsty murders taking place on board.”

Wreck is a six-episode dark comedy UK TV series that premiered in British Land in October of 2022. I vaguely recall that year. Come to think of it, I’m a bit London foggy on the whole UK thing as well. Is that an actual town or a malt vinegar fish ’n chips pop-up booth?

MOON GARDEN / Release pending 2023 (Theaters, VOD)

“When a little girl has a terrible accident and slips into a coma, she finds herself thrust into a darkly surreal industrial dreamworld. Haunted by a nightmarish spectre that feeds off her tears, she must follow her mother’s radio-static voice to find her way back to consciousness.”

If this movie sounds familiar, it’s because it played a few snobby art house theaters (where movie popcorn is eaten with a gloved hand and sodas sipped with pinky extended) in 2022. But don’t hold that against Moon Garden — just watch the trailer on YouTube™ and try and figure out how they pulled off all those phantasmagorical visuals without being strung out on psychedelic drugs. P.S. Don’t do drugs. 

Evil Shindig, Teen Dead Speak, Human BBQ

Without hyperbole, this could be the best party ever in the history of the world: BruceFest, a three-day horror fan extravaganza featuring the legendary Bruce Campbell (Evil Dead — all of ‘em) and Ted Raimi (Evil Dead II, Ash vs Evil Dead, Deathly Spirits, Drag Me To Hell, lots more), is being held at Estes Park, Colorado’s Stanley Hotel (aka, The Overlook Hotel)…the one in The Shining (1980). From the mouth of The Bruce himself: “The Stanley inspired Stephen King to write The Shining when he stayed there. I love the fact that it’s supposed to be haunted.”

Here are the details: “Join us December 1— 3, 2022 for an intimate weekend with Bruce Campbell, Ted Raimi and 350 true fans, featuring Watch With… live commentary movie screenings, game rooms, Sam Raimi prop collection, photo and signing ops, immersive altered reality game & scavenger hunt, cosplay costume contest, Dance of the Dead, and more!”

“Purchase your pass with a 3-night stay at The Stanley and you’ll get: a BruceFest 2022 poster, signed by Bruce! A photo with The King himself (that’s Bruce!), a $100 PER NIGHT food & beverage credit, and a limited edition BruceFest + Stanley Hotel swag bag! Book your hotel stay now by calling (970) 577-4076. The price? A mere $650, which, if you act NOW, can get a 2-for-1 ticket deal. Groovy! Needless to say, there’s a ton MORE information on the Stanley Hotel website (click here).

While we figure out YET ANOTHER weak excuse to borrow money from someone’s parents/bank/mafia to get tickets, here are few out now/upcoming horror movies that may or may not be rentable on haunted hotel room TV screens…  

GROTESQUE / Out now (Tubi™)

“Mildred Moyer transforms from shy misfit to lovable psychopath when her back-alley plastic surgery is botched. Mildred unleashes brutal vengeance on all those who tormented her in the past.”

Lovable psychopath. That was my childhood nickname. Okay, probably not the “lovable” part. Just replace that word with “sh*thead.”

DARBY AND THE DEAD / December 2, 2022 (Hulu™)

After suffering a near-death experience as a young girl, Darby Harper gains the ability to see dead people. As a result, she becomes introverted and shut off from her high school peers and prefers to spend time counseling lonely spirits who have unfinished business on Earth. But all that changes when Capri, the Queen Bee of the school’s most exclusive clique, unexpectedly dies in a freak hair straightening accident, resulting in the obvious cancellation of her upcoming ‘Sweet 17.’ Capri, however, pleads with Darby from the other side to intervene and convince Capri’s friends to proceed with the party as planned. In order to appease the wrath of the undead diva, Darby must emerge from her self-imposed exile and reinvent herself — which along the way allows her to find new joy back in the land of the living.”

Even in death, teens are annoying. But spirit counseling the dead has been done before (looking in your direction The Sixth Sense/1999). Still, anticipating the “freak hair straightening” accident. Wonder if it’ll be as harsh as that time I tried it. Totally f’d up my Lemmy sideburns AND emo soul patch as well during the unexpectedly painful process. Probably shouldn’t have used Simple Green™.

HUMAN HIBACHI 2: FEAST IN THE FOREST / Release pending 2022 (VOD)

“A clan that lives deep in the woods have a taste for flesh. Through different tactics they find ways to lure unsuspecting campers or those that trespass on their land to their camp where they party and then butcher them for a good home cooked meal.”

Sounds twice as mouthwatering as Human Hibachi (2020), though I’d like to take a look at the menu to see what the appetizers and side dishes are.

HE NEVER LEFT / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Gabriel is a criminal on the run with his girlfriend Carly. The couple seek shelter in a run-down motel, only to hear terrifying noises emanating from the adjoining room. Soon, they find themselves the unlucky target of the Pale Face Killer, a masked murderer who has been tormenting the small town for years.”

Terrifying noises emanating in run-down motels are called amenities.

Box Set Ghost, India Werewolf, Demon Blackmail

Fans of J-horror will make leakage in their kimono over the definitive box set compilation of Ju-On: The Grudge, Japan’s landmark upset ghost franchise. Releasing December 19, 2022, the five-disc set, with a metric ton of extras, sells for $70.00 fun bucks (or 10,417.00 yen), though you can find it $10.00 cheaper on sale if you’d just put in the time to dig around. Click HERE to see all the ingredients.

What’s that you say? You don’t know what Ju-On is? Prepare to be educated via their press release: “Ju-On is the name given to a deadly curse spawned when someone dies in the grip of a violent rage. All who come into contact with it are doomed. Collected together for the first time, writer-director Takashi Shimizu’s Ju-On: The Grudge series represents the flesh-crawling pinnacle of Japanese chillers that swept the globe at the turn of the millennium.”

“The films introduce the anonymous family house in the suburbs of Tokyo where an unspeakable evil lingers alongside its residents, the ghastly mother-son pairing of Kayoko and Toshio Saeki. Shimizu’s disconcerting approach to plotting, unnerving eye for the uncanny details in the dark corners of the frame and an innate talent for effective jump scares so impressed Evil Dead director Sam Raimi that he invited the director to helm two Hollywood remakes.”

So while you go online to buy the box set, which contains all the Grudge movies and has the same long black stringy haired white faced demon ghost in every one of ‘em, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not make you want to fashionably style your stringy hair…

DEMONS AT DAWN / October 28, 2022 (VOD)

“A retired hitman is blackmailed into taking one last job. However, during his mission, he uncovers a satanic cult that uses human sacrifice to summon demons.”

Human sacrifice seems so ancient Inca. Why can’t satanic cults just summon demons using Facebook™ like everybody else?

BHEDIYA / November 25, 2022 (Theaters)

“Bhaskar gets bitten by a mythical wolf and begins to transform into a creature himself. In order to find answers about his condition and turn himself back into a human he must then team with a group of ragtag buddies before it’s too late.”

This one’s being billed as India’s very first creature comedy. About time, geez. A preview said “Bhediya essentially looks like Bollywood’s answer to An American Werewolf in London.” Better title: A Mumbai Werewolf in India.

MEAN-SPIRITED /Pending release, 2023

“A wannabe YouTuber™ who set out to bury the hatchet with his celebrity friend, just to find out that he is not quite himself anymore.”

A wanna be YouTuber™. That’s like being hired to be the assistant to the guy who just got promoted from janitor to cashier at Kinkos™.

DON’T COME BACK ALIVE / Pending release, 2022/2023

“Police officer Camila, criminal prosecutor Fátima, and police detective Ángel, are used to face extremely dangerous situations, gruesome murder cases and evil criminals. During an operation in a dangerous area, they have an encounter with a female albino figure in a suicide-by-immolation ritual. This being, more powerful than death itself, is here to play with them a wicked game.”

So by going up in flames, you turn yourself into something more powerful than an overheated lava lamp itself? You set the bar way too low, man.

Evil Dead TV

Unless you live under a rock/bridge/alias, you no doubt heard of the upcoming (in late 2015) spin-off TV series Ash vs. The Evil Dead, starring Bruce Campbell himself. You’re likely drooling on the inside of your pants right now. Me, too.

Schedule as a 10 half-hour episode series on Starz Original™ (kind of a white trash version of HBO™), there’s some more big genre names on board, including Xena, Princess Warrior herself (um, Lucy Lawless.) She’s described as “a mysterious figure who is myopic in her quest to hunt down the source of the recent Evil outbreaks. The only problem: she believes that Ash (Bruce Campbell) is the cause of it all.”

I need an entire case of moist towelettes.

Here’s more juiciness from the press release: “Bruce Campbell is reprising his role as Ash, the stock boy, aging lothario and chainsaw-handed monster hunter who has spent the last 30 years avoiding responsibility, maturity and the terrors of the Evil Dead. When a Deadite plague threatens to destroy all of mankind, Ash is finally forced to face his demons – personal and literal. Destiny, it turns out, has no plans to release the unlikely hero from its ‘Evil’ grip.”

Better make that two cases of moist towelettes.

A Ghost Classic Made Ghostier?

Skepticism was the first of many emotions that boiled all over my Old Navy™ shirt when news of a Poltergeist (1982) remake came a’blowin’ in the wind, followed by anger, sadness, frustration and an unquenchable thirst for Budwesier™ tallboys, which according to ancient biblical scriptures is indeed an emotion. But I digress.

Sam Raimi, the guy who brought us the unbeatably cool The Evil Dead (1981) and a metric crap ton of not-as-cool movies since, is behind Poltergeist (2015) and contemporizing the three decades old demonic ghost tale that had a little girl being sucked into the Netherworld of Hell (her closet), which forced her parents to go into the beyond (the closet) to rescue her.

I get that Sam has to cast this one in the here and now, but what does that mean to us who saw the original movie in an actual theater and not on a smart tablet back in the day? Here’s what Sam told me last week when I recently sat down for a light lunch with him at the sunny Marina del Rey:

“A family’s suburban home is invaded by angry spirits. When the terrifying apparitions escalate their attacks and take the youngest daughter, the family must come together to rescue her.”

I had the grilled chicken paillard with a starter of cheeses and charcuterie. Sam ordered the same thing he’s been eating since 1982.