Archive for June, 2014

Roly Poly Snakeheads

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild with tags , , , , , , on June 30, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Snakehead Terror

Had they known people chewing  snakehead fish were still in existence, the small town citizens living around the popular Cultus Lake probably wouldn’t have gone swimming/peeing in it.

Snakehead Terror

Thanks to human growth hormones the local coroner has been dumping into the lake, the snakeheads have been growing and reproducing at an alarming rate. This is what caused all the regularhead fish to disappear. The snakeheads can crawl out of the water on their front dorsals and live on land for up to several hours before they dry out. (I’m the same way if I don’t find a tavern within two hours.) Since they’re ravenously hungry, humans seem a suitable side dish.

Snakehead Terror

A call to the sheriff and his response gives you an idea of the high-quality level of this film: Deputy: “We found a dead body.” Sheriff: “What kind of dead body?” The sheriff wants to close down the lake. The mayor doesn’t want him to do that as the lucrative fishing season is about to start and they need the tourist dollars.

Snakehead Terror

 

A supermodel Game & Wildlife agent, so shot up with Botox™ she looks like a snakehead fish, shows up to add to the problem. Meanwhile, people are getting eaten in a manner befitting a nameless renegade 30-foot shark. The coroner thinks its a crocodile. The fish are the size of crocodiles and are just as vicious, though.

Snakehead Terror

While Snakehead Terror (2004) had some chuckle  moments (a head floating in the water, arms, legs, torsos turned into meat pies), I have several questions. Since when does a small town need to employ a full-time coroner? More importantly, why didn’t the sheriff’s 17 year-old daughter wear a micro-bikini to distract the snakeheads so they could be shot? I hope these questions will be answered in the sequel, because this floundering flick doesn’t otherwise work for me.

Wed, Dead, Shot In The Head

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Slashers, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , on June 29, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Blood Spattered Bride

The Blood Spattered Bride (1972), with its multiple stab wounds, vampire neck biting, and noisy shotgun blasts to the head and coffin, certainly lives up to its descriptive title. Only thing it doesn’t tell you is that the story, while provocative for its time, is like waiting for multiple stab wounds to heal.

The Blood Spattered Bride

It all starts with Susan, a very gorgeous and very young newlywed, who keeps having violent sex visions and a wispy lady in a white gown who always seems to be just out of visual reach. Susan’s older and sexually predatory husband (referred to as “husband”, which is like calling your pet dog, “dog”) spirits Susan off to his big ‘ol country mansion and forcibly proceeds to get busy with her, over and over and over. Geez, hub – save some for tomorrow.

The Blood Spattered Bride

And still the lady in white looms. Turns out she’s the husband’s ancestor, Mircalla Karnstein, a vampire with no bra to speak of. She and Susan have a lot in common, what with Mircalla being sexually violated in a manner of ways on her honeymoon all those ancient years ago. This carried a severe penalty – the newly dubbed Mrs. Karnstein stabbed her newly dead husband one billion times and cut off his hangy doo. I don’t know which is worse.

The Blood Spattered Bride

Mircalla finally makes herself known (now going as Carmilla) and is found by husband buried in seashore sand, wearing nothing but a scuba mask and snorkel (!). Seems husband was out digging for clams and, well, found a keeper!

The Blood Spattered Bride

Bringing Sand-ra (heh) back to the house, it doesn’t take long for Susan and Carmilla to develop a special, um, bond, swapping spit and comparing husband infractions. It’s settled then – Susan will need to kill horny husband and cut off his hangy doo. But husband, whose hangy doo almost became a hangy don’t earlier, discovers the two slumbering vamps in a coffin in the basement, wearing nothing but invisible nightgowns.

The Blood Spattered Bride

Husband goes all proactive on ‘em and unloads 40 rounds into the lunch box with a rifle that never seems to run out of ammo. After shooting his servant’s 12 year-old daughter in the head as well (she revealed she’s now a vampire, too), husband opens the coffin and, with a knife worthy of carving a fresh roast holiday Turkey, starts hacking away at…

Guess.

Intergalactic Relations

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , on June 28, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

 

It Came From Outer Space

A honkingly large meteor crashed in the Arizona desert and John Carlson, an amateur astronomer, saw it, man. And because he’s not a pro, no one believes him (I do) when he tells everyone (me) that it’s actually a spaceship (it is).

It Came From Outer Space’s

A craptacular luck would have it, a bunch of dirt covered the craft when John went to investigate, and almost got himself a complimentary burial plot. (Those things can be expensive.)

It Came From Outer Space’s

One of the aliens inside the galactic taxi gets out and photocopies other humans to help fix the ship (minimum wage, of course) and get off this toilet Earth. John is able to communicate with it (extended middle finger indicates “peace, space brother”) and tries talking sense into its one eye.

It Came From Outer Space’s

Since the local sheriff is a dork and hates John because the hot local school teacher Ellen Fields is hot for John and not him, he saucerblocks all over the place. When John proves those are for real aliens, everybody wants to shoot ’em. If someone photocopied me, I’d feel similar.

It Came From Outer Space’s

All of this leads up to It Came From Outer Space’s (1953) disappointing climax that has John talking the aliens out of disintegrating Earth humans. Thanks for nothing, John. Because he resolved this interstellar crisis without bloodshed, however, everybody now likes him and Ellen gets even more hot for John.

I need to impress chicks by discovering more aliens.

Wolf-Man For President

Posted in Classic Horror, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 27, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Werewolf of Washington

Jack Whittier, the President’s aide, is sent to Hungary for no other reason that it’s there. While making his way back to the airport to get the hell out of that smell-infested country, his car is run off the road and he’s bitten by a wolf, which we later find out was a gosh-darn werewolf.

The Werewolf of Washington

Once back in Washington, Jack turns into a marauding, suit-wearing lycanthrope and kills a few people that probably deserved it. (One attack has him on top of a woman’s car at a brightly-lit gas station. Fortunately, no one saw him.)

The Werewolf of Washington

As luck would have it there are five nights of full moons. Jack’s gooning out and trying to tell everyone he’s the werewolf in the news that’s been biting people. No one believes him. I do, though. When he changes into a silver-haired werewolf in his apartment, he crawls around on all fours and bites the lamp. That’s OK – it was probably a stupid lamp.

The Werewolf of Washington

In a really confusing plot deviation, wolfman Jack (Hey, I just got that!) makes his way into the White House basement where he encounters the dwarf, Dr. Kiss (no relation to the popular musical ensemble) who’s been experimenting on bodies. Jack sniffs the doctor’s butt and licks his face. This causes the doc to laugh, even though it probably wasn’t in the script.

The Werewolf of Washington

And speaking of, there are so many laughably bad scenes in The Werewolf of Washington (1973), you have to see it to believe it. Great dialogue, too, as Jack, who’s been boinking the President’s daughter, tells her with a straight face, “I think your father is a cross between Abe Lincoln and Jesus Christ.” Man, you can’t even write lines that good anymore.

The President swears numerous times and eventually gets bitten by Jack. Let’s just say the Pentagon is now the Pentagram. Heh.

Feeding Formula To Snakes

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on June 26, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Thunder of Gigantic Serpent

This sounds like a bar joke: What do you get when you cross a giant snake with a little Asian girl, some terrorists and a lavish movie budget of about $300? You get Daai se wong (1988), aka Thunder of Gigantic Serpent. You also get one heckuva hot giant monster mess.

Thunder of Gigantic Serpent

The aforementioned little girl finds some secret formula that makes animals and plants grow to one billion times their metric body mass, and feeds her pet snake a mouthful. You know how emotionally attached Timmy was to Lassie? Those two have nothing on Ting Ting (that’s what it sounded like when her parents yelled at her) and Mozla, a snake the size of half a hula-hoop. The darn thing actually understands her and nods when she talks incessantly to it. This gets really old.

Gigantic Serpent

Meanwhile, criminal terrorists who shoot scientists and use the “F” word, want that formula. Why? To take over the world, of course. They know the formula works, but haven’t seen how well as Mozla, growing like a Happy Hour bathroom line, hasn’t made his grand appearance just yet. He has to wait until the terrorists kidnap their girl in order to put the squeeze on ‘em.

Thunder of Gigantic Serpent

Ninety percent of the movie is spent watching terrorists chase and being chased by bullets and swear words. When Ting Ting is captured and spirited away to a tall building and starts screaming INCESSANTLY for Mozla to save her, the serpent actually hears the paint-peeling cries and carves gigantic paths of destruction to find her. And because Mozla is now the size of a building, wrapping himself around one makes sense. It also make it a lot easier for the military to fire about 30 missiles to make him let go. I’ll say this for Mozla – he’s one tough worm.

Thunder of Gigantic Serpent

Ting Ting cries hysterically at her fallen phallic symbol, who symbolically shrinks to a third of his size after the job is done. All of this sounds vaguely familiar. I must’ve seen it in another movie or heard about it in a locker room.

Red-Headed Werewolf

Posted in Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Scream Queens, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , on June 25, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Ginger Snaps Back: The Beginning

A prequel (but third in the series), Ginger Snaps Back: The Beginning (2004) snaps back in time to show where the Fitzgerald sister’s lycanthropic (sorry – word of the day calendar) lineage began its bloody tale/tail/trail.

Ginger Snaps Back: The Beginning

Wandering on horseback through the snowy woods in the early 19th Century (yes, they had snow back then), Ginger and Brigitte come across the aftermath of a werewolf rampage with blood and gunk everywhere. They’re found by an Indian who takes them to the improvised-fortified Fort Baily, a trading outpost (d.b.a., Northern Region Trading Company). That there are deep claw marks on the outer walls suggests something was trying to get in without permission.

Ginger Snaps Back: The Beginning

The fort is occupied by a handful of men, including a doctor who has a practical approach to determining if you’re a werewolf, an uptight military guy who doesn’t brush his teeth but wants to shoot everybody in the face, and a preacher who wants to burn the girls at the stake because they’re tempting to the flesh (duh).

Ginger Snaps Back: The Beginning

Aside from all that stuff, life at Fort About To Be Eaten just doesn’t seem right. This is probably due to the nightly werewolf attacks. The preacher, wanting to purge the fort of its sins, lets a werewolf in and traps it with the sisters. Barely escaping, Ginger, the hot red-head sister, is later bitten by a child werewolf hidden in the fort’s happy walls. Then the real fun starts.

Ginger Snaps Back: The Beginning

More intense confrontations with the stressed-out fort dwellers, more werewolf attacks (i.e., neck-biting/face-ripping), and the growing of fur where there was no fur before. The final werewolf siege is pretty dang hairy (ahem), but it’s the showdown between Ginger – now well on her way to needing a shave – and the bully army guy that’s the icing on this hair cake.

A cool original take on the werewolf theme. And hey, the werewolves themselves don’t look like Halloween rental costumes. If they were gonna screw up this flick, that would’ve been the point to do so.

Red Riding in Da Hood

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Nature Gone Wild, Scream Queens, Werewolves, Witches with tags , , , , , , , on June 24, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Red Riding Hood

Her name isn’t Red Riding Hood, it’s Valerie. I like her gangsta name better. The dreamy guy she longs to ride is named Peter. (Gimme a break.) Both live in the stink Medieval village of Daggerhorn, with chickens running around like they owned the place, heavy metal blacksmiths, religious fanaticism and a werewolf.

Red Riding Hood

Seems there was an agreement – the villagers would put up their finest livestock for sacrifice every full moon and the werewolf wouldn’t eat them. Fair trade. Until the werewolf, after 20 years, takes out Valerie Hood’s older sister.

Red Riding Hood

An angry mob attack on the werewolf’s cave yielded a stunt double’s head on a stick. But the monster, who looks like a computer-generated version of my neighbor’s rabies-infected dog, has ’em all fooled and has come to take Valerie with him into the woods for whatever perverted reasons.

Red Riding Hood

Getting in the way of all this is dumbass teen drama surrounding two guys wanting to get under Red’s hood and a hammy religious freak who shows up with bodyguards to exterminate the werewolf whom he believes is living right in their midst.

Red Riding Hood

Val-Red can mind-meld with the werewolf, which has her branded a witch and condemned to become bait. False swerves swerve all over the place, from every horny guy in the village and even Red’s grandma being suspected of werewolvery. Cute.

Red Riding Hood

Barely any blood/gore/face-eating worth mentioning, only half a naked boob shot from Valerie who finally hooks up with one of the horny guys in the snow (!), and a very unconvincing werewolf. You already know Red Riding Hood’s (2011) twist ending. Here’s a better one: the OFF button.