Horror Espresso, Vile Romance, High School Ghost

Back in the late Sixties/early Seventies, there were more neighborhood VD clinics than coffee shops. These days you can’t walk 20 feet without bumping into someone coming out of a Starbucks™coffee shop, lip-locking an admittedly delicious Caramel Macchiato. As easy is it is to snark at the smug hipsters who pay $4.15 for something you can make at home for .35 cents (Folgers™ drip, double squeeze of pancake syrup, Cool Whip™ topping), what if was less pretentious, something more…horror-based? Enter Horror Vibes Coffee™ located in North Hollywood (specifically, 5251 Lankershim Blvd.)

As first reported by Bloody Disgusting, Horror Vibes Coffee™ serves up killer caffeine with names like “Chai-Day the 13th”, “The Candyman Dulce De Leche” and the morning go-to to-go, “Nightmare on Maple Street.” Horror coffee is well-positioned to replace breakfast as the most important meal of the day. 

But Horror Vibes Coffee™ isn’t just about the drinks. As Bloody Disgusting reports, “The shop is “loaded with horror vibes, from the paintings of horror icons outside to the Chucky and Annabelle dolls hanging out inside. Artwork on the walls pays tribute to everything from Terrifier 2 to the Scream franchise.”

While we redeem our Starbucks™ Rewards points for a bus ticket to Hollywood to bask in Horror Vibes Coffee’s™ vibes, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may are may not be made better topped with Cool Whip™…

THE COMMUNION GIRLS / Out now (VOD)

“Spain, late 1980s. Newcomer Sara tries to fit in with the other teens in this tight-knit small town in the province of Tarrgona. If only she were more like her extroverted best friend, Rebe. They go out one night at a nightclub, on the way home, they come upon a little girl holding a doll, dressed for her first communion. And that’s when the nightmare begins.”

In Spain this movie is called, La Niña de la Comunión. I have no idea what that means. It’s like they literally have a different word for everything. ¡Caramba!

PUISI CINTA YANG MEMBUNUH/ Out now (VOD)

The story of Ranum, who is always tricked by the sweet words of men who then betray her and later ends with death by a mysterious figure. Ranum’s family drama revolves around deceit; it is poetic, romantic, and hilarious which instantly turns into terror. Ranum decides to keep looking for true love, which is beautiful and brings kindness to ward off the tragedy she has experienced. Who is the figure who spreads the vile terror, and can Ranum find her love?”

First look at this movie’s title had me thinking someone barfed up a whole lotta Wordle™. Translated, it reads Deadly Love Poem. Normally, I would eschew (sorry — word of the day calendar) topics such as this as love and romance have no place in horror. A wood chipper, perhaps. However, when they put “vile terror” in the movie’s description, it gave me a glimmer of hope that love and romance could be acceptable within the context. 

THE WRAITH WITHIN / February 21, 2023 (VOD)

“When a group of friends returns to their hometown for a high school reunion, a tragic curse of the town’s history emerges to terrorize them after horrifying revelations put all of their lives in peril for a shocking night they may not all survive.”

The horrifying revelation is everybody got fat and bald. High school reunions are what real horror stories look like.

THIS LAND / March 10, 2023 (VOD)

“Ava, a traumatized mother agrees to a rustic getaway on the 4th of July with her husband and son in hopes of putting back the pieces of their lives. It’s the one-year anniversary of a violent home invasion that cost her unborn baby’s life. However, after arriving at the cabin rental they learn they are double booked with a family with very different political beliefs. Tensions boil over the weekend as the families confront grief, race, and the divide within the country. They soon realize something else is trying to drive them apart — a band of sinister elites targeting them for an ancient ritual.”

We see this on the news every night. Does there really have to be a movie about it? I am so done with ancient rituals.

Haunted Booze, Demon Clinic, Ghost Train

Horror fans who imbibe (i.e., guzzle refreshing adult beverages), may recall Harridan Vodka’s™ Paranormal Reserve Vodka™, which was, get this, aged in real haunted locations including the real-life Conjuring house. There were already spirits in the Conjuring house, so that makes logical sense. Heh.

From their website: “Last year, for its first edition of the Paranormal Reserve™, Harridan Vodka™ rested 60 bottles across three haunted locations in the U.S.: The Conjuring House, the Villisca Axe Murder House and the Trans-Allegheny Lunatic Asylum. 

This year, Harridan™ tops itself. From the press release: “Just in time for Halloween, Harridan Vodka™ has released its most terrifying offering ever: the Paranormal Reserve – Annabelle Edition™, a limited collection of 666 bottles rested for 30 days at the Occult Museum in Monroe, CT (750ml, 44% ABV, SRP $199), available now.”

So here’s where things get even cooler: “The Most Chilling Bottle of All: The 666th  bottle of Paranormal Reserve™ was placed directly in front of Annabelle’s case, which was opened by the museum’s proprietor, Tony Spera. The bottle was then rested inside Annabelle’s original case, built by Ed Warren, for 30 days. The vodka, priced at $13,000, is packaged in a one-of-a-kind wooden case that’s a replica of Annabelle’s current confines.”

While we sell the company car to raise at least $200 towards the vodka’s $13,000 price tag, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not fetch more than a 1973 Chevy Nova with one working door and no upholstery to speak of…

GHOST TRACK / Out now (VOD)

“Morris, a young teenager, dies tragically on a train line, his friends helpless to save him. Now adults, his former friends find the spirit of Morris seems to be out for revenge.”

Revenge against who — his friends who tried to help him, or Amtrak™, whose somewhat clean trains ground his body into choo-choo chewables?

THE STRANGER / Out now (VOD)

“After the murder of her husband, Amanda relocates with her daughter, Karli, and purchases a hotel in the countryside. Their fresh start is interrupted by the arrival of a mysterious man who pleads for shelter fleeing an unknown threat.”

What did you expect — she named it The Die Kill Bleed Hotel™.

HELLHOLE / October 26, 2022 (Netflix™)

“In a monastery cut off from the world, the monks run a clinic for the possessed. One day, a young policeman Marek comes to the convent. Posing as a clergyman, he penetrates monastic life and tries to explain the recent, mysterious disappearance of several tormented inmates. It turns out, however, that there is no way out of the monastery.”

Hellhole would be a great name for a bar — as long as you…possess…enough cash to drink there. Heh.

THE GHOSTS OF MONDAY / Release pending 2022/2023

“A group of US filmmakers travel to Cyprus to film a documentary in the tragically famous Hotel Gula — a once popular resort where more than 100 people died in mysterious circumstances. What begins as just another day at the office will eventually turn into a terrifying journey into the unknown.”

A haunted hotel is just another day at the office? Where do I send my resume?

Kill Count, Real Bigfoot, Undead Wives

If you’re like me and prefer TV over reading, then you missed Death Count: All of the Deaths in the Friday the 13th Film Series illustrated book, which came out October 20, 2017 from Two Things Press. But fear not — now you can get it for $9.99 on Kindle™, which is kinda like a TV version of a book.

At 124 e-pages, author Stacie Ponder goes into groovy gruesome visuals/stats on all who fell before Jason Voorhees’ pretty hate machine. And just how many tasted the pain? You wouldn’t have a reason to watch the book if I told you. But here’s the press release to convince you to wallet up: “With humor, love, and a lot of cartoon violence, Death Count celebrates the victims, survivors, killers, and other random characters encountered in the long-running Friday the 13th film series.”

You might recall a similar concept done in poster form back in 2011 by Andrew Barr of Canada’s National Post and illustrated by Mike Faille. But Sir Voorhees has since added to the terror tally, so Death Count might be the way to fulfill your splatter-y needs.

While I get over my aversion to books (oddly, posters don’t bother me), here are a few now available and upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/documentaries that may or may not make you download in your pants…

BIGFOOT ENCOUNTERS (available now)
“Many believe Bigfoot does not exist. But for those who have seen the creature face to face, there is no question.”

Never been a question for me as to Bigfoot’s existence. I see him face to face every day in the bathroom mirror when I thoroughly brush my teeth. (Bigfoot could use a Rudy’s Barbershop™ shave and a trim. Just sayin’.)

AVENGERS GRIMM: TIME WARS (available now)
“Unhappy being ruler of the Underworld, Rumpelstiltskin frees himself and plans to take over Earth. As the Avengers Grimm fight to stop him, they discover it’s not where he is hiding, but when, forcing our heroes to fight through the ages.”

This one has legendary kick-pants ladies, like Red Riding Hood (the color matches her season), Sleeping Beauty (I hear she snores like someone raking gravel), Snow White (she likes chili — heh!), and Alice of Wonderland fame. (Go asker her when she’s 10-feet tall. Tell me you got that hippie music reference.) So there’s four reasons to watch the movie, even though it rides the cape of that other group of Avengers. You know, the ones who hold iron-gripped dominion over the box office.

BETWEEN WORLDS (2018)
“Joe, a down-on-his-luck truck driver, is haunted by the memory of his deceased wife and child. He meets Julie, a spiritually gifted woman who enlists Joe in a desperate effort to find the lost soul of her comatose daughter, Billie. But the spirit of Joe’s dead wife Mary proves stronger, possessing the young woman’s body and determined to settle her unfinished business with the living.”

No wonder Joe’s down on his luck— his wife comes back from the dead to nag him to death.

AUTOMATA (pending crowdfunding)
“Antique expert Brendan Cole is sent to authenticate a 300 year-old clockwork doll with a notorious history, known as ‘The Infernal Princess.’ In the remote Scottish mansion where it has been discovered, Brendan soon finds himself the victim of the automaton’s legendary curse.”

Aha! So that’s who Annabelle’s grandma is!

Spider-Man, Bloody Vampires, Demonic Nuns

Seriously considering about not going to movie theaters anymore and just renting new flicks on Fandangonow.com for a mere $4.99. Sure, I won’t get to see the latest flicks the second they come out, but dango, movie theater tickets/popcorn/soda/hot dogs are getting to be about the price of a steak dinner with a cloth napkin.

Then there are the obnoxious theater goers who continue to talk during the movie and/or use their cellphones. The death penalty would be too lenient for these jerks. So yeah, I can save a bunch of money, not get stressed out and horizontally lay on my couch and watch movies. Very uncomfortable, rude and probably CDC unhygienic to lay down on movie theater seats.

Speaking of movies I’ll probably not see in the theaters (and a few not at all), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi/fantasy movies for your horizontal viewing pleasure…

SPIDER-MAN: HOMECOMING (July 7, 2017)
“Thrilled by his experience with the Avengers, young Peter Parker returns home to live with his Aunt May. Under the watchful eye of mentor Tony Stark, Parker starts to embrace his newfound identity as Spider-Man. He also tries to return to his normal daily routine — distracted by thoughts of proving himself to be more than just a friendly neighborhood superhero. Peter must soon put his powers to the test when the evil Vulture emerges to threaten everything that he holds dear.”

Is it just me or is the new Spider-Man movie taking a direct marketing lead from Deadpool (2016)? Makes sense as they both wear similar masks. Deadpool, though, shoots guns; Spider-Man just webs his pants. Heh. Don’t get my solid gold attempts at humor mislead you; I can’t wait for Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017). The trailers are kick asinine and Spidey’s an old comic book fav. That’s were I learned to read and webbed in my own pants. Yeesh — I hope that was webbing.

SUPER DARK TIMES (October 3, 2017)
“Teenagers Zach and Josh have been best friends their whole lives. But when a gruesome accident leads to a cover-up, the secret drives a wedge between them and propels them down a rabbit hole of escalating paranoia and violence.

The title sounds like something a teenager would say. Wonder what the gruesome accident is? A zit-popping contest gone wrong? The cinnamon challenge? Planking over a shark-filled pool? Doing the mannequin challenge on a train track? You can never tell with idiot teenagers.

BLOOD DYNASTY (October 31, 2017)
“Blood Dynasty is the third in “Irina” vampire film cycle, that began with 2012’s award winning Blood for Irina and continued in 2014’s Queen of Blood. The character of Irina – inspired in part by Lina Romay’s character in Franco’s Female Vampire (1975) — is once more reborn, rising from the sea to bring madness and bloodlust to a lonely young woman living in a decaying motel.”

Queen of Blood seems to be the go-to phrase these days, what with the new Hell Boy movie using it as well. As for Female Vampire, there’s some pretty bold undressedness in that one. You’ve been warned.

JUMANJI — WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE (December 20, 2017)
“Four high school kids discover an old video game console and are drawn into the game’s jungle setting, literally becoming the adult avatars they chose. What they discover is that you don’t just play Jumanji — you must survive it. To beat the game and return to the real world, they’ll have to go on the most dangerous adventure of their lives, discover what Alan Parrish left 20 years ago, and change the way they think about themselves — or they’ll be stuck in the game forever.”

Oddly, I never saw the original Jumanji, released back in 1995. Looked too goofy to me. And to keep the goof factor in place for the remake, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson — is the lead, along with the always hilarious Jack Black. I think Dwayne’s in every movie coming out these days. Seems like he is. As a movie star he’s good. But as a former WWE superstar, he was king of the ring.

THE NUN (September 7, 2018)
“When a young nun at a cloistered abbey in Romania takes her own life, a priest with a haunted past and a novitiate on the threshold of her final vows are sent by the Vatican to investigate. Together they uncover the order’s unholy secret. Risking not only their lives but their faith and their very souls, they confront a malevolent force in the form of the same demonic nun that first terrorized audiences in The Conjuring 2, as the abbey becomes a horrific battleground between the living and the damned.”

For your own sanity’s sake, The Nun probably should not be confused with The Nun from 2005. (Same named horror movies give me tummy achings.) So this is the scary nun from The Conjuring (2013), like that movie’s “possessed” doll Annabelle, also getting her back story spin-off. With seven Conjuring and planned tie-in movies based its characters, I figured that particular cow was milked dry after the formulaic The Conjuring 2 (2016).

Devil Dolls, Witch Wedding Crashers, Sharks

Been toying with the idea to do a run-down of all the streaming horror/sci-fi movie chanels. Turns out there’s a lot, so that means work. I’ll probably call in sick so as to not work. Shudder™ tops the short list of good ones, but it can’t match YouTube™ for its unlicenced use of practically every horror movie ever made in broadcast quality ranging from beer goggles to bent antenna. Anyway, try Midnight Pulp, American Horrors and/or Frightpix (warning — if you don’t pay Frightpix’s admittedly cheap subscription, you’re gonna have to endure a commercial every two minutes.)

Speaking of wading in crap, here’s a few upcoming ones to consider stepping in…

HEIDI (Available now)
“After investigating a neighbor’s attic, two high school pranksters are increasingly plagued by a series of disturbing, supernatural events involving a creepy, vintage doll named Heidi. As she stalks them day and night, no one will take their claims seriously until it is too late.”

An odd trend in horror movies these days, using painted wooden dolls as the source of all which plagues non-painted/non-wooden citizens. It came back with the Puppetmaster series and got more mileage with Annabelle from The Conjuring franchise (the doll now has its own stand-alone film coming out in 2017). Its moderate success spread to horror lite flicks as The Boy (2016) and The Doll (2016) to rat out a few.

This is nothing new; possessed dolls go way back in time and have a long history of gooning out people who own them. The one that got to me as a kid was that messed up Zuni hunting fetish doll in Trilogy of Terror (aka, Terror of the Doll) back in 1975. Soiled my Underoos™, I did.

7 WITCHES (April 14, 2017)
“As their big day approaches Cate and Cody should be celebrating, they’ve got their family with them, and rented an island for the big day. Unbeknownst to them their wedding falls on the day when a 100 year old curse comes to fruition. Instead of celebrating they find themselves fighting for their lives as a coven of witches rise for revenge.”

Time to fire your wedding planner. Geez, of all the things to disrupt the happiest day of your life (for a few months, anyway), you’d think it’d be a drunk relative and not a flippin’ witch. Wonder what the witches will give the bride as a household wedding gift — a broom? Heh.

SHARKNADO 5 (August 6, 2017)
“With much of North America lying in ruins, the rest of the world braces for the inevitable — a global sharknado. Fin Shepard and his family must put a stop to this disaster before Earth is completely obliterated.”

Man, this joke has worn itself so thin, it should be shown on wax paper. The best — and worse — part of these Sharknado droppings are the C-list “celebrities” lining up with make cameos inside the shark’s mouth. I don’t know if I’ll be flattered or insulted if they ever get around to calling me.

NAILS (2017)
“Dana Milgrom, a track coach who, having survived a near-death car accident, finds herself completely paralyzed and trapped inside her own body. While recovering she becomes convinced that an evil presence exists inside her hospital room and is intent on killing her. Believing her to be experiencing a mental breakdown, Dana’s family brush away her concerns. Becoming increasingly terrified, Dana soon realizes that she may not be the only target. Unable to leave her bed, she risks losing the ones she cares for most.”

If you’re seeing an evil presence in the hospital, it may be time to up the morphine drip. Then you won’t care who the entity goes after. High or not, it’d be really funny if the evil presence tripped over a full bed pan. Just thinking about it is making me LOL.

Boy Horror

In yet another dazzling display of laziness, the horror lite movie The Boy arrives January 22, 2016. Looking to do the dude version of the evil doll in The Conjuring (2013) and its pointless spin-off Annabelle (2014), the ONLY thing this movie has going for it is that it features The Walking Dead hottie Lauren Cohan, aka “Maggie.”

So Lauren/Maggie plays an American nanny hired to tend to a mansion-owning crusty old British couple’s young boy. Yeah, it’s pretty much a life-size wooden doll all decked out in Sunday knickers and combed hair. But this boy doll comes with a laundry list of strict “don’t do’s,” all of which Lauren/Maggie does because, hey, American – we do what we want.

Once the rules go out the door, the doll comes to life and tries to feel her up. Okay, not really try to feel her up. That’s just what I’d do if I were a reanimated demon doll with a wooden crotch.

Less ye forget, Another “horror” move with the same title came out in March of 2015. This The Boy stars an isolated, motherless kid (she abandoned him and the hubby) who is “unchecked by the bounds of parenting, friendship, or affection. Its here his fascination with death awakens.” FYI: The trailer for this one is really creep-tacular.

P.S. They’re sandpapering Annabelle 2 as of this posting. Two back-to-back star vehicles. Man, that evil doll must have a good agent.

Photocopied Horror

It’s hardly a revelation the horror genre notoriously feeds on itself with scores of movie studios lining up at the office copy machine pumping out generic plots merely needing a change of title. One only needs to look as far as the SyFy™ Channel for weekly examples of this profit-motivated plagiarism.

And mimicking movie ad materials is also a common practice. It’s almost as if the industry holds weekly keggars to compare notes to make sure everyone is ripping off each other correctly.

Is this a deal breaker for horror movie fans? Nah. But it is smug fun to rub their faces in piles of steaming hypocrisy. That said,  several examples of advertising “monkey see, monkey doo doo.” (Feel free to suggest more)…

Devil’s Due (2014) / Devil’s Sky (2014)

The Possession (2012) / Dark Skies (2013)

The Last Exorcism 2 (2013) / The Bell Witch Haunting (2013) – with poster turned upside down to illustrate grave robbing.

Dead Silence (2007) / Annabelle (2014)

The Haunting of Helena (2012) / Dark Touch (2013)

State of Emergency (2011) / Juan of the Dead (2011)