Archive for Asylum Studios

Hell Kids, Hell Zombies, Hell Stuff

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Slashers, Witches, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 22, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Stranger Things 2 / A Nightmare on Elm Street

As you/me/I/us/them/they wait IMPATIENTLY for Stranger Things 2 (premiering Friday, October 27, 2017), news comes down the super fun happy slide the surprise horror hit has already been renewed for a third season. I needed some good news after waiting all day for that !@#$ “once-in-a-lifetime” eclipse to somehow destroy the world. (I know the eclipse was for free, but dang — I feel gypped.)

The new Stranger Things 2 key art is a slick homage to 1984’s A Nightmare on Elm Street. When you think about it, sleep slasher Freddy Krueger’s dream state world is the ‘80s version of Stranger Thing’s The Upside Down alternate universe/dimension/golf course. Regardless, I’ll have to go back to hoping for Melancholia to smash into this toilet Earth for my world-destroying fantasies.

While we wait for that planet to pinball ours, here are a few upcoming horror and sci-fi movies to help cope with the disappointing, non-destructo eclipse

Little Evil

LITTLE EVIL (September 1, 2017/Netflix)
“Gary just married Samantha, only to find out that her 6-year-old son is the Antichrist.”

This horror comedy sounds fun/ny. But if the kid is the son of the Antichrist, does that men Samantha is the Mom Antichrist, or is this one of those, “it takes a village” things?

Hellriser

HELLRISER (October 9, 2017/UK)
“When their city is rocked by a series of brutal occult murders, veteran detective John Locke and his young partner Terri Keyes are forced to put aside their differences and follow the trail of evidence to a formerly abandoned asylum, where the new owner Dr. Unnseine is conducting his own brand of Nazi-inspired “medical research” on the unwilling inmates. One such inmate, the sexy but deadly Annie Dyer, may hold the key to the murders — and to the doorway to Hell itself — if only Locke and Keyes can stay alive long enough to discover what it is.”

Dawn of the Dead / Land of the Dead

As much as you’d think this is one of those Asylum Studio rip-offs, it is, unfortunately, from another source of rip-offery. Obviously, the title is lifted from Clive Barker’s Hellraiser (1987). Then there’s the “When there’s no more room in Hell…” kicker line on the key art, a bold shoplift from 1978’s Dawn of the Dead. Wondering why the filmmakers didn’t just put it all on the glass and have the zombies wearing Goth leather and walking around with nails in their heads, like those teens at the mall.

Hagazussa: A Heathen's Curse

HAGAZUSSA: A HEATHEN’S CURSE (2018)
“Set in the 15th Century in the Austrian Alps, Hagazussa takes us back to a dark period when pagan beliefs of witches spread fear into the minds of the rural folk exploring the thin line between ancient beliefs, magic and delusional psychosis.”

Ancient beliefs, magic and delusional psychosis. That may be f’d up for those in the Austrian Alps, but for me it’s just another night at The Poggie Tavern. I like witches, though. The sexy ones on TV, not the stinky kind at the bar who smell like room temperature Steel Reserve malt liquor.

Still/Born

STILL/BORN (2018)
“Mary, a new mother who lost one of her twins in childbirth, struggles with the loss. She starts to suspect something sinister is after her surviving child — a supernatural entity that has chosen her child and will stop at nothing to take it from her.”

They kinda hand this one to us one a parsley-garnished platter — the “supernatural entity” is the twin that didn’t make it to market. (A theory, not a conclusion.) By the way, do you want me to tell you what you’re getting for Christmas?

Planet of the Sharks

Posted in Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , on July 15, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Planet of the Sharks

Planet of the Sharks. Guess it was only a matter of time. A world where sharks swim and humans can’t? A watered down Discovery Channel™ documentary with commercials every two minutes? Another Asylum Studios turd in a punch bowl? As much as I want to say all of the above, here’s the plot for this TV movie releasing July 25, 2016…

“In the near future, glacial melting has covered 98% of earth’s landmass. Sharks have flourished and now dominate the planet, operating as one massive school led by a mutated alpha shark.”

Fearsome Floatie

No doubt Planet of the Sharks will feature a lot of Selachimorpha (science sharks), but since this is being released under the Asylum banner, you can bet not one of ’em will be real. This is a slap on the fin to all those real shark actors out of work.

Pilfering Horror & Sci-Fi

Posted in Aliens, Giant Monsters, Science Fiction, UFOs, Vampires, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 14, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Independents’ Day

Led Zeppelin is getting sued for $40 million for “stealing” the opening riff that was used to create “Stairway to Heaven.” Asylum Studios – who have been outright stealing movie ideas/plots and slightly modifying the titles – get rewarded with a 15% percent profit margin on blatantly plagiarized horror/sci-fi knock-offs. Led Zeppelin should hire Asylum’s attorneys.

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter / Abraham Lincoln vs. Zombies

We’ve all seen Asylum’s robbery techniques: Abraham Lincoln vs. Zombies (ripping off Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter), Transmorphers (ripping off Transformers), The Day The Earth Stopped (ripping off The Day The World Stood Still), Battle of Los Angeles (ripping off Battle: Los Angeles), and so many more, you almost can’t keep track.

Transformers / Transmorphers

Asylum continues the business model with Independents’ Day, which is set for release (June 7, 2016) in front of (!) Independence Day: Resurgence (June 24, 2016), the sequel to the 1996 blockbuster, Independence Day. And because Asylum makes these movies on the cheap (usually around $250,000.00 – and uses the SyFy Channel™ as a primary garbage delivery system – there’s no way they can’t make money.

Battle: Los Angeles / Battle of Los Angeles

So how much bling are we talkin’? According to Forbes Business™, averaging around $150k per film. For a studio that doesn’t have to invest any money in the creative department and cranks out between 25 and 30 “movies” a year, that adds up. As Forbes™ reports, $12 million a year in greasy gained wallet stuffers.

The Day The Earth Stood Still / The Day The Earth Stopped

To be fair, not all of Asylum’s, movies are “mockumentaries.” But since the appetite for ultra low-grade cheese like Almighty Thor is insatiable, Asylum will continue to bold-face rip off intellectual properties and keeping climbing their own stairway to heaven – even though it was already built by somebody else.

Thor / Almight Thor

3-Headed Shark Attack

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 5, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

3-Headed Shark Attack

In the beginning here was Jaws (1975), a shark with but one head to bite you in half.

Then came 2-Headed Shark Attack in 2012. It was fake-y looking and appeared to be more of a stuffed animal than a twice-fold apex predator. It bit vacationing college students in half.

2-Headed Shark Attack

Now comes 3-Headed Shark Attack (July 11, 2015) with three times the appetite, looking to bite a bigger share of the ratings. The plot is your basic “line ’em up and chomp ”em down” scenario: “The world’s greatest killing machine is three times as deadly when a mutated shark threatens a cruise ship. As the shark eats its way from one end of the ship to the next, the passengers fight the deadly predator using anything they can find.”

3-Headed Shark Attack

Ugh. I could be in a shark’s belly for a week, crapped out onto a polluted beach, my gushy remains pecked at by seagulls, and still come up with a better plot than that. But hey, if a three-headed shark, which admittedly looks kinda cool, isn’t enough to sink yer boat, the “movie” also stars genre king Danny Trejo and pro-wrestling legend Mr. Monday Night – Rob Van Dam.

3-Headed Shark Attack

Wonder how 3-Headed Shark Attack would stand up against Japan’s Double-Headed Jaws (2012)? (Note: I think Double-Headed Jaws is the Japanese release of 2-Headed Shark Attack. Crappy movie, but way better title.)

Double-Headed Jaws

Even though a shark with any amount of heads could bite me in half, I’m really starting to feel sorry for what pop culture/Hollywood/you are doing to them.

Shark Happens

Posted in Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on May 27, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Sharknado

The surprise hit Sharknado came out July 11, 2013 and, when aired on the SyFy™ Channel, spiked ratings and returns through the roof, enough so for someone with leftover lunch money to fund a sequel. Hence, the lazily titled Sharknado 2: The Second One, due for release on July 30, 2014.

Sharknado

Once word got out that Sharknado not only rained down tons of man-eaters via a weather-borne delivery system but tons of profit and the inevitable sequel, the internet community wasted no time coming up with their own shark/weather mash-ups – and fake Sharknado 2 movie posters as well. Sharknado’s movie producer douches should have paid attention; someone came up with the far superior Sharknado 2: Aftersharks. (I was gonna do it, but I was busy washing my hair.)

Sharknado

This got me using previously thought dead brain cells and cleverly deduced that there had to be more fan made shark movie art. A simple search yielded the results you see here. And looking over them, I think each of these fake movies should be made into a real movies.

Sharknado

There’s shark/volcanoes, shark/tsunamis, shark/avalanches… Pretty much every extreme weather/shark mash-up you could ever want. Sort of. Wondering why no one came up with Fog Sharks or Sharkwaves or Sharkphoon (sharks/typhoon). Consider those legally copyrighted as I’ll be writing the screenplays while eating a sandwich – about the same amount of time the script for Sharknado was written.

Eat The Fish That Eats You

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 17, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Mega Piranha

There’s a river in Venezuela that’s home to genetically mutated piranha – and they’re growing at an exponential rate and heading down stream to Florida. I didn’t know Florida was anywhere near Venezuela. Maybe it is. What the hell do I know? The relentlessly hungry fishies, now the size of submarines, are eating Naval destroyers and, once in Florida, will eat Naval oranges – and humans.

Mega Piranha

To get us to believe there’s some serious drama going on, a special  military agent with double muscles and ’80s pop princess Tiffany (too cool to have a last name) are sent in to make sure our orange crop doesn’t end up like so many battleships. They don’t quite know how to stop them, but I do: tartar sauce and a squeeze of mega lemon.

Mega Piranha

The giant piranha special effects are so substandard as to look like painted Nerf™ balls being thrown in front of the camera. And Greg Brady himself (of the special ops Brady Bunch squadron) appears as the muscle agent’s boss.

Mega Piranha

Not sure how Mega Piranha (2010) ended as I turned my attention to drying paint after seeing a piranha eat a hotel. Hotels.com is gonna hear about this.