Cuddly Kaiju, Filming Bigfoot, Killer Whales

Godzilla is the KISS of merchandising, having his likeness/logo/iconic beer belch attached to literal hundreds of products, ranging from designer underwear and hot sauce to 100% Toho™ cotton bed sheets and a themed hotels (Hotel Gracery Shinjuku, for a reasonable $125 a night). And thanks to Quantam Mechanix™, Godzilla is now a plush zipperhead. And no, that wasn’t me calling him names. Godzilla has been turned into a plush toy (fancy term for being stuffed) with a mouth that can be opened/closed with zipper lips. (That sounds like a cool name for a new Godzilla foe or a punk band.)

Godzilla Zippermouth Plush comes in a set of four: Godzilla Burning, Godzilla Atomic Breath, Godzilla Standard, Godzilla Black and White. This set sells for $139.99 and has these features: “Charming, edgy, and packed with personality, these Godzilla Zippermouth Plush are soft, cute, and full of details that will appeal to kids and even the most discerning collector. Measuring approximately 8 1/2-inches tall, each plush features individually stuffed claws; embroidered details on his eyes, nose, spine; and custom-dyed fabric that’s super soft to the touch. They also sport a trademark Quantum Mechanix™ zippered smile you can unzip to reveal Godzilla’s destructive grin!”

Destructive grin. A possible name for a rotgut craft cocktail. These plushies arrive in June 2023 and you can reserve yours here. And while you start a punk band and/or sip some rotgut, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/TV series that may or may not leave you feeling stuffed…

SOMETHING WALKS IN THE WOODS / Out now (VOD)

“A viral video shows a mysterious figure walking along the edge of the woods each day, and filmmaker Bill Howard sets out to spend a night there to find out exactly what it is.”

It’s Bigfoot looking to pound the film out of anyone pointing a camera in his general direction

THE REAPER MAN / April 18, 2023 (VOD)

“A grieving wife summons a dark spirit with an insatiable desire for revenge.”

I liked this better when it was called Pumpkinhead (1988).

SYMPATHY FOR THE DEVIL / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“After being forced to drive a mysterious passenger at gunpoint, a man finds himself in a high-stakes game of cat and mouse where it becomes clear that not everything is as it seems.”

This one stars Nicolas Cage, who has already been in 415 movies so far this year.

THE SWARM / Release pending 2023 (Streaming Series)

“Whales begin sinking ships. Toxic, eyeless crabs poison Long Island’s water supply. The North Sea shelf collapses, killing thousands in Europe. Around the world, people are beginning to feel the effects of the ocean’s revenge as the seas and their inhabitants begin a ‘violent revolution’ against mankind. At stake is the survival of the Earth’s very fragile ecology — and ultimately, the survival of humanity.”

They had me at whales sinking ships. Points also for eyeless crabs.

Lunar Lunacy, Clown Exorcism, Celestial Gremlins

Besides inventing outer space, Tang™ and a couple of the nicer galaxies, NASA™ — National Aeronautics and Space Administration founded in 1958 — did something so cool, it’ll make you wanna apply to be one of their astronauts. (I tried, and they wrote back, “How about, astro-NOT?” Man, that’s cold.) Anyway, NASA™ designed horror/sci-fi movie posters based on real-life space stuff. It’s like they’re entertaining and teaching us — at the SAME TIME. Genius.

On their amazingly clever interactive Galaxy of Horrors web site, they have downloadable poster art with their science fact plot lines: Roasted Planet (“As HD 80606 b approaches its star from an extreme, elliptical orbit, it suffers star-grazing torture that causes howling, supersonic winds and shockwave storms across the planet”), Devoured By Gravity “(Lurking in our galaxy, approximately 6,000 light-years from Earth, is a monster black hole named CygnusX-1. Don’t get too close, or you’ll become its next meal!”)‚ and the super spooky, Gamma Ray Ghouls (“In the depths of the universe, the cores of two collapsed stars violently merge to release a burst of the deadliest and most powerful form of light – gamma rays. These beams are unleashed and shine a million trillion times brighter than the Sun.”)

And these are just a few of NASA’s™ “movies.” Click here to download free hi-res posters (Spanish versions available as well) and learn about the scary stuff right outside our Earthly confines/DYI space capsule. And while you put down your tasty simulated orange flavor powdered astronaut breakfast drink and do that immediately, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not seem “meh” compared to the real horrors of outer space…

HYPNOTICA / March 31, 2023 (VOD)

“A young psychiatrist tries hypnotism to save a patient but will soon wish to God he hadn’t.”

I tried to hypnotize a bartender once into over-serving me. If it wasn’t for him not at all being hypnotized, it might’ve worked.

CAMP BLOOD 666 PART 2: EXORCISM OF THE CLOWN / Out now (DVD), Release pending (VOD)

“Camp Blood is under new ownership as the updated Camp Blackwood. Locals hope to bury the infamous clown killer’s past, and release the victims from their torment. But when a pastor with ties to the previous grounds takes his church group out to make contact with restless spirits, wrath is all they are doomed to find. The clown killer is back, and this time he has an enemy of equal evil. His former cult followers have turned, as well as a vengeful witch, who will stop at nothing to see these titans of terror collide, and destroy anyone in their path.”

I thought the only restless spirits church people try to make contact with is Jesus ’n friends. Trying to find salvation with a clown killer (or “killer clown”) doesn’t seem like an astute spiritual business model.

SUMMONING THE SPIRIT / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Carla and Deanas decide to escape the hustle of the big city and purchase a home in the remote forest. They have big plans for their new quiet life, only to find something much more sinister. The couple quickly realize that they are on the land of a cult, and the leader claims a telepathic connection to a legendary flesh-eating beast deep in the woods surrounding them. Carla and Dean are forced to uncover the terrifying truth of the cult’s prophecy.”

A movie with Bigfoot in it of all things. Though it’s really annoying they refer to BF as “flesh-eating.” Squirrel sausages or raccoon sliders, yes. Human skin? Very low on his palate’s flavor profile.

SPACE GOBLINS / Release pending 2023/2024 (VOD)

“The film is a soft reboot of the underground cult-classic Space Goblins (2020) animated film. Having been living off the grid for the last decade, Bounty hunters Gib and Gob find themselves being called back into action for what could be their very last assignment.”

Cool title. Cool plot? Remains to be seen. And that’s IF you decide to seen it.

Playing With Horror, Cow Trauma, Space Toilet

When I was a foundling, the popular games of my day were “Spin The Bottle Rocket”, “Watching Paint Dry” and the gripping, “Chase A Parked Car”. But today’s kids are more sophisticated and need games that not only entertain, but engage the impatient mind as well. And game maker Steven Rhodes has just the thing for picky little brats who will never know the elation of playing “Rats In My Pants”.

From Cryptozoic Entertainment’s website: “From the mind of Steven Rhodes, a graphic artist and illustrator best known for his offbeat re-imagining of children’s activity books from the ’70s and ’80s, these three games immerse you in these hilariously dark retro worlds.”

“In Let’s Summon Demons, only the savviest (and luckiest!) player — the best Demon Summoner — will walk away a winner! In Don’t Talk to Strangers, navigate your kids from school and score as many points as you can before the neighborhood is completely overrun by otherworldly strangers!”

The best of the bunch is Let’s Call The Exorcist: “Dad has brought home a collection of rare artifacts from his latest excavation, and now pesky demons have possessed the children! The priest has devised a scavenger hunt to cleanse the house, but those dastardly devils won’t make it easy! Deduce your way to victory in this fast-paced game featuring secret roles and hidden cards. Reveal Holy and Cursed Artifacts, beneficial Blessings for instant points, and malevolent Mischief cards that mix things up!”

Individually, these games are $19.99 each (click here). But hey, why not go all in and get one of several sets of three for $59.97? I just ordered the set containing Cryptozoology for Beginners, Living Well Is the Best Revenge and the aforementioned Let’s Call The Exorcist. Can’t wait to let my friends watch me play ‘em.

While you replace your once treasured checkers with these new board games, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as stimulating as strip chess…

SICK / January 13, 2023 (Peacock™)

“When the country locks down due to the pandemic, college student Parker and her best friend decide to quarantine at the family lake house alone — or so they think.”

Hope the slasher in the house keeps his face mask on, or else he might make the girls sick and die.

IN DREAMS / January 17, 2023 (Screambox™)

“A woman experiences a psychological spiral in the wake of her grandfather’s murder.”

I define a psychological spiral as watching the intestinal contents of an epic drinking binge swirl colorfully while being flushed. Wash all of life’s little problems down the drain. 

DAWNING / January 31, 2023 (VOD)

“A trauma therapist is forced to face her family’s darkest past when she returns to her childhood countryside farm to console her heartbroken younger sister.”

If I lived on a farm I’d need a trauma therapist, too. Those pink things dangling full on commando under a cow gives me recurring nightmares.

THE ARK / February 1, 2023 (SyFy™/Peacock™)

“The remaining crew of a spacecraft known as Ark One must become the best versions of themselves to stay on course and survive after experiencing a catastrophic event that caused massive destruction and loss of life.”

Catastrophic event — the space toilet got clogged and the wrongness overflowed all over the spacecraft. And they made a series out of this riveting storyline. Can’t wait for Season #2. Heh.

Vampire Counseling, Household Witches, Governmental Bigfoot

If you’re a full-blown bloodsucker or just a weekend creature of the night fashionista looking for spiritual advice, go no further than Maison Vampyre located in the historic heart of Salem, MA. It’s here you’ll experience personal or group psychic readings from members of the local Vampire community. Black attire is encouraged if you wanna be taken seriously.

A cornucopia of all things Dark, $15 – $65 by appointment only sessions include the Wolf Moon Ritual, Full Moon Ritual, Guided Meditations at Dark Mirror, Elemental Magick, and the sure to sell out Vampire Witch: A Weekend of Spiritual Alchemy, an immersive weekend of witchcraft, empowerment, and Vampyre Magick. 

From their website: “You will learn the basics of Spellcasting, Astrology, Protection Magick, Tarot, Energy Work, Ritual Set-up, Candle Magick, and will take part in a powerful Shadow Work journey. Skills learned throughout the weekend will be used in a group tarot circle, intuitive development practice, and an empowering group ritual to conclude the weekend.” This retreat takes place Friday, March 3, 2023, 6:00 PM through Sunday, March 5, 2023, 3PM (EST). It’s like getting a community college education for only $325.00. (Okay, that was redundant.)

While you book a session or the entire weekend (click the darkness), here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not require you to seek counseling…

CRYPTID / Out now (VOD)

“When a local resident of a small town in Maine is brutally ripped apart, freelance journalist Max Frome suspects it might be something more than the authorities say it is. Teaming up with his photographer partner, Harriet, they’re convinced the local sheriff is on the wrong track as the details of each attack become more puzzling. As the attacks get closer, they charge forth dangerously, afraid they might be onto the story of the century. Can they prove their suspicions before it’s too late?”

The Merriam-Webster Dictionary (est. 1828) — a sort of menu for a word barf restaurant — defines “cryptid” thusly: “An animal (such as Sasquatch or the Loch Ness Monster) that has been claimed to exist but never proven to exist.” So the cryptid in this instance is indisputably a carnivorous penguin. Sorry for the spoiler. 

THE MAYFAIR WITCHES / JANUARY 8, 2023 (AMC+)

“A neurosurgeon discovers she is the unlikely heir to a family of witches. She must contend with a sinister presence that has haunted her family for generations.”

All witch families have two and sometimes three broom garages. So it stands to reason the sinister presence haunting them is a Swiffer™.

THE 3RD GUEST / January 23, 2023 (VOD)

“A husband and wife ghost-hunting team, still mourning the loss of their daughter, encounter her in their latest assignment.”

Family reunion — happy ending.

THE KIAMICHI PROJECT Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“After losing her sister in a brutal attack as a teenager, Scout Rourke agrees to lead a team in the capture of a war machine that may or may not be linked to a legendary creature. In Scout’s heart, she is convinced she is hunting the same massive monster that shredded her sister before Rourke’s horrified eyes decades before. During the hunt, things turn deadly when it’s realized this particular beast is also under control of the U.S. government.”

Bigfoot works for the U.S. government? Why not? Decent pay, serving your country and getting all the federal holidays off — with pay. 

Peculiar Treasures, Millions of Zombies, Ancient Peanut Butter

One of the ongoing tragedies of life is when you absolutely need a 3D Bat Air Freshener or Bigfoot Finger Feet or an essential Zombie Threat Level refrigerator magnet, and can’t find ’em anywhere. Calm your inner turmoil and just go to Portland, Oregon’s FreakyButTrue Peculiarium, a wonderland of all things tremendously useful weird and fun. Here’s their website if you think I’m making up all of this stuff.

Located at 2234 NW Thurman St., Portland, OR, the Peculiarium is similar to Archie McFee™ but goes even deeper into the mind-spinning novelty merch abyss. Alien art prints, Sasquatch devotional candles, giant lobster claws, Mothman shirts… So yeah, plan on spending at least three month’s wages there.

While we rent a U-Haul™ truck and go on a FreakyButTrue Peculiarium shopping run, here are a few upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that may or may not be as irresistible as FBTP’s Jekyll & Hyde holiday ornaments… 

GANGNAM ZOMBIE / January 5, 2023 (VOD)

“Citizens from an area of Seoul start experiencing unusual and terrifying symptoms, devolving into inhuman creatures, leaving only a few survivors with the possibility to make it out alive.”

According to this little thing called the Internet (you may have heard of it), Seoul has a population of 9.9 million people. If you wanna see zombies, that’s the place to go. Just take the train to Busan. (You got that joke, right?)

TOXICA / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“An injured stunt woman is infected by an ancient biological compound when a side job as a PI goes wrong.”

I bought a jar of ancient biological compound at the store the other day. It may look like peanut butter, but it’s way more addictive and has only half the saturated fat. We’re talkin’ some serious sandwich fixins.

IMMERSION / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Mysterious deaths befall on employees of a VR-tech company. There’s an unprecedented fear waiting between reality and the virtual world.”

Unprecedented fear waiting between reality and the virtual world. Where I live, that’s called Happy Hour.

NIGHTMARE AT PRECINCT 84 / Release pending 2023 (Theaters/VOD)

“On a stormy night on Christmas Eve, a small town female sheriff who secretly is a serial killer gets a visit from a mysterious woman who tells four bizarre stories. The first is about a small boy who has a terrifying encounter with the local ice cream truck. The second is about a young girl who takes up a phone sex operator job to pass the time, but a certain caller has other intentions. The third is about two women who discover the strange reality behind a tiny town they are trapped in and the fourth is about a man who makes a promise with haunting repercussions.”

A sheriff is a serial killer? Then she’s obligated to arrest herself or kill herself. Probably should do both.

Vile Vision, Ghost Guests, Lethal Lobsters

For horror movies fans there exists a plethora of viewing options, paid and free. If you don’t mind ad-supported horror movies (or just regular movies, which nobody cares about), Tubi™ and YouTube™ beats the competition by far with obscure, DYI, foreign and classic horror offerings. (P.S. Tubi™ is the king of horror/sci-fi with hundreds upon other hundreds of horror flicks you never knew existed.)

Shudder™ is the de facto go to for paid horror viewing, with a sharply curated catalogue and consistent new releases. With plans starting at $4.79 a month, you be a screaming dumbass (okay, maybe not screaming) to not subscribe. Another bountiful horror/sci-fi option, though, is Wicked Horror TV™, a premium streaming service specializing in quality horror films. (Note: ALL horror movies are quality. Except maybe three.) 

Wicked Horror TV™ puts the gore in categorize — horror movies are sorted by decades (1920s to whatever decade we’re in now), countries (Asia, Australia, Europe, South America and whatever country we’re in now), and sub-genres (ghosts, giallo, gothic, paranormal, possession, B-movies, satanic, supernatural, occult, witches, etc.) There’s plenty of ad-supported free horror, but the premium plan taps you for $5.99 a month, though you save thriftily with their billed annually plan of $49.99. Wicked Horror TV™ can be watched (or “viewed”) on things like Fire TV™, Roku™, Apple TV™, Android TV™, Google Play™, and iOS™ mobile devices.

While you close out your horror-bereft Netflix™ account and sign up for Wicked Horror TV™ (click this), here are a few out now/upcoming horror and sci-fi movies/tv series that may or may not be worth paying for — or watching for free…

DEADLY DEALINGS / Out now (YouTube™/VOD)

“A young woman struggles with losing her brother. Her roommate turns her on to a spirit board, and that night she has a dream that she can trade her dream for her brother’s life. The next day when she awakens she learns that it was more than just a dream and she bit off more than she expected.”

Yawn. Sounds more like a spirit bored than a spirit board.

THE GHOSTS OF MONDAY / January 23, 2023 (VOD/DVD)

“A television director becomes embroiled in a supernatural conspiracy after traveling to Cyprus to make a TV pilot about a haunted hotel.”

Cyprus is an island country located south of the Anatolian Peninsula in the eastern Mediterranean Sea. Seems like a long way to go to document hotel haunters. Try the “ghosts only” Overlook Hotel in the nearby country of Colorado.

THE SWARM / Release pending 2023 (Streaming TV subscription)

“A global environmental thriller, The Swarm is set in a present day where anomalies and unnatural behavior in marine animals are causing upheaval all over the world. Millions of strange worms suddenly appear on the bottom of the North Sea, drilling their way through frozen methane, threatening to destabilize the entire continental shelf. Swarms of mussels stop large vessels from maneuvering. Toxic jellyfish, lobsters and whales start attacking human beings along the coasts of the world. It follows a global group of scientists and military who come together to tackle one of the biggest challenges mankind has ever faced. They make the chilling discovery that we are not the only intelligent species on this planet — and that deep down at the bottom of the sea resides a collective intelligence which has suffered the ravages of civilization on its habitat and decided to fight back.”

Strange worms, toxic jellyfish, swarms of mussels…sounds like the Seafarer’s Feast™ at Red Lobster™.

NEW FEAR’S EVE / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“As the coming year approaches, three friends reluctantly prepare for Hooper Industries’ annual New Year’s Eve bash. The clock ticks down and the body count rises as a psychotic murderer known as The Doctor is on the loose. This sadistic surgeon of death leaves Owensboro covered in blood as local police and FBI are forced to navigate through a maze of bodies left in his wake.”

I liked this better when it was called New Year’s Evil (1980).

Ghost Clowns, Republican Reptiles, Marauding Mermaids

There have been numerous versions of Catwoman, the fetching felonious feline who gives Batman a stiff Batarang. If you count TV, film, animated movies, comics, graphic novels and video games, there have been 30 Catwomen thus far. That’s a lot of kitty in that litter. But one of the sexiest standouts was Michelle Pfieffer’s skintight latex clad dominatrix portrayal of Catwoman in 1992’s Batman Returns. (Note to Julie Newmar, Batman’s 1966 Catwoman — can’t thank you enough for the carpal tunnel.)

Now you can purchase a replica of Pfieffer’s stylish Catwoman headpiece for a wallet-whomping $699.00. Riddle me this: Why does it cost so much? For one thing, it’s limited to 150 reproductions. Other reasons from PureArts website: “Matching the Batman 1:1 Scale Cowl Replica, this 1:1 Catwoman Mask Replica sits atop a miniature Gotham City mayoral house statue base. Featuring a removable Catwoman whip coiled around the base, PureArts captures the feminine, dangerous and clever essence of Catwoman. The mask replica is created out of PureArts’ poly-based casting material developed specifically for their Batman line, designed to look and feel like real high gloss latex, but never deteriorate.”

There are two versions: standard and one that comes complete with a removable leather whip and miniature version of the “cat clock” found in Shreck’s Department Store in the movie. To complete your cosplay hankerings, you can buy a Catwoman costume on any discount Halloween store, or make one yourself [instructions here].

While you rewatch Michelle’s tingle-inducing performance in Batman Returns and “review” it in the privacy of your own bathroom, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not belong in a litter box…

GHOSTS OF AMITYVILLE /Out now (VOD)

“Following the tragic death of her mother, eight-year-old Olivia soon discovers the demon of Amityville is manifesting itself as a clown.”

For some of us “demons,” morphing into a clown is redundant. However, If I was a demon (ahem), I’d manifest myself as a bartender, because hey — TIPS!

LIZARD PEOPLE: THE TRUTH ABOUT REPTILIANS / Out now (VOD)

“They established rule over ancient man, a race of giants known as the Nephilim. Today, their descendants live among us, veiled in any form they choose: Demon…Alien…even Reptilian! Two hardcore researchers, Carl Crew and Bryan Sadler, delve deep into the mythology that shrouds the theory of the Reptilians to uncover their true nature and their global power that some say continues to control the world. Through their deceit and deception, will the Reptilians ultimately destroy humankind?”

The horror sci-fi movie The Alligator People came out in 1959. So yeah, Reptilians have been among us over 60 years. Fun fact: “Republican” is a derision of “Reptilian,” which explains their continuing true nature to achieve global power and destroy humankind.

INVASION OF THE MERMAIDS / Out now (VOD)

“A fishing village encounters a mysterious water monster. A young man tries to protect the residents and in the process, they unexpectedly discover an invasion of mermaids.”

I’d rather be invaded by mermaids than some of those other oceanic threats, like murder clams or sushi chef’s knife-grade swordfish. And let us not rule out the Thrill Krill Cult.

PARANORMAL WORLD: ALIENS, UFOs, CRYPTIDS AND GHOSTLY ENCOUNTERS / Out now (VOD)

“Sightings of strange, unworldly creatures occur daily around the world. Now we are learning that bizarre creatures like Bigfoot, Dogmen, El Chupacabras, Lake Monsters, Thunderbirds, even Aliens and UFOs may all be connected on our paranormal planet.”

It’s insensitive to refer to these creatures as “bizarre.” Better to say “folklore-capable.”

Monsters Au Naturel, Bigfoot Pursuit, Alien Party Crashers

Paul Garner is an artist living in Brighton, United Kingdom. That pretty dang far from where I’m lallygagging. But thanks to this thing called the “Internet” (you may have heard of it), now you can view his incredible horror movie icon illustrations…and buy ’em. (Full disclosure: I recently purchased some of Garner’s art and am currently gawking at it on the wall right next to where I’m lallygagging.)

Paul’s latest series is Nudie Monsters, recasting The Mummy, Wolf-Man, The Fly and Bride of Frankenstein in eye-poppingly colorful “pin-ups”. Don’t worry — they’re PG-rated, which means you don’t have to hide ‘em under your bed. These silk board prints sell in sets of three for 25£ ($31.40 US) and measure 11.75”x16.5”. Get ’em on his Etsy shop page here. Better yet, marvel at Paul’s extraordinary illustrating skills on his website: www.paulgarnerart.com

As confessed in a court of public opinion above, I purchased the Jaws poster and just sent in an order for The Shining print. If none of these examples are to your liking (critic), you can get caricatures of Creature of the Black Lagoon, Nosferatu, Night of the Living Dead and even Ozzy Osbourne, who’s kind of a monster himself.

While you take down your Vincent van Gogh and Pablo Picasso black light posters to make room for Paul’s peerless artings, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be made better by having nude monsters in ’em…

NIGHT OF THE AXE / Out now (VOD)

“A group of young adults enjoying a high school reunion party are terrorized by an escaped mental patient obsessed with satisfying his blood lust. One by one they are made victims of the sadistic killer. Who will survive the Night of the Axe?”

Not only does it SOUND like a slasher plot straight out of late ’70s/early’80s, it IS a slasher plot straight of late ’70s/early’80s. Time spent coming up with the script? 70 or 80 seconds.

ON THE TRAIL OF BIGFOOT: LAST FRONTIER / January 17, 2023 (VOD)

“Small Town Monsters heads to the frozen vistas of the 49th state with On the Trail of Bigfoot: Last Frontier. The first 2023 Small Town Monsters docudrama features in-depth interviews with locals and a heavy focus on the Indigenous people who first called the land home. Focusing on evidence and encounters with the legendary Sasquatch, On the Trail of Bigfoot: Last Frontier aims to give audiences the most cohesive look at Alaskan Sasquatch lore.”

YET ANOTHER documentary cashing in on Bigfoot’s good name. B’foot really needs to put his big foot down on people not legally licensing his image and/or footwear.

KIDS VS. ALIENS / January 20, 2023 (Digital/VOD)

“All Gary wants is to make awesome home movies with his best buds. All his older sister Samantha wants is to hang with the cool kids. When their parents head out of town one Halloween weekend, an all-time rager of a teen house party turns to terror when aliens attack, forcing the siblings to band together to survive the night.”

A better solution: we should send ALL our teenagers to the alien’s planet to crash their ragers. 

YULETIDE HORROR / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Directed by Ethan Evans and produced by Jess Bartlett and Kieran Nolan Jones, Yuletide Horror is a feature-length documentary exploring the terrifying history of Christmas horror folklore and cinema, from Black Christmas, Gremlins, Silent Night, Deadly Night and beyond.”

And the soundtrack could be (wait for it)…wrap music.

Blood-Soaked Bathroom, Desperately Seeking Sasquatch, Butt Dialing The Dead

Like something you’d expect to find in Micheal Myers’ bathroom, the Bloody Bath Mat is one of those things you didn’t know you needed, like a three-bean salad or toilet paper.

The Bloody Bath Mat works like this: when dry, the mat is as blank as the taste of non-alcoholic beer. But when you get water on it (or whatever other liquids one might find in a bathroom), the dang thing turns bloody. And when it dries, the “blood” disappears. Genius. Sized at a generous 40”x17” and at a cost of $19.99, you’re probably slapping your own head, wondering why you don’t already own it.

The Bloody Bath Mat pairs nicely with the Halloween Shower Curtain Liner (71”x71”), with a bloody person on it. Hey, if you’re gonna get all bloodified, the shower probably is the best place to do it; you don’t wanna track that gunk all over the house. Also $19.99, you can get the bath mat and shower curtain on Amazon.com. You may have heard of them.

So while you’re making yourself all wet to try ‘em out, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not be curtains for you…

AMERICAN BIGFOOT / Out now (VOD)

When Creature Expedition, a fledgling television show, finds itself on the brink of cancellation and desperate for a rating boost, the show’s host under the guidance of her producer gathers a lovable crew of dimwits and they set out to Bigfoot country to find the creature and capture him on film. With the help of Truman Shaw, an acclaimed Bigfoot hunter, and a little luck, they just might find Bigfoot and save their show from cancellation.”

I’ll put in a call to Bigfoot to see if he can help them out. He might do it ’cause BF is my BFF.

THOSE WHO CALL / January 10, 2023 (VOD)

“Two sisters go on a road trip to Colorado. Their car breaks down in an abandoned old town. Soon they realize things aren’t what they seem — and they aren’t alone in the forest. They find themselves being hunted by a sadistic pagan cult and must do everything in their power to survive.”

Can’t go anywhere these days without tripping over Mormons.

HERETIC / January 31, 2023 (DVD/VOD)

“Hannah Blair dabbles in communicating with the dead. One stormy night that all changes when she meets Rachel, who is actually a dead lost spirit. Emboldened by this event, she is determined to find out the truth about what happened to her parents’ years before. Hannah embarks on a journey into the netherworld where she comes face to face with the Entity, an evil who has haunted mankind since the dawn of time — and who now wants Hannah.”

Wouldn’t that be f’d up if you went to communicate with the dead…and it went to voicemail? Man, I would totally stain myself.

THE BIGFOOT LEGACY / March 17, 2023 (VOD)

“For a group of friends, their vacation turns into a horrific weekend after they discover Bigfoot is real.”

These morons must come from Planet Dumbass. Of course, Bigfoot is real. Friggin’ tourists.

Frightful Finery, Ghost Women, Bigfoot Experiment

Every holiday season (i.e., YET ANOTHER excuse to get drunk in public: “Whooo — Santa! F*ck yeah! Presents! Explosions! Whooo!”) the push is on to see who can find the most most hilariously ugly Christmas sweaters. So much so, it’s become a super weird cultural phenomena. But not everyone is down with spending valuable beer notes on clothing you’d only wear a week or two (some of us more than others) out of the entire year.

A better investment alternative would be the year-round cardigan, the stylish cousin of the common pullover. While most cardigans (open fronted with buttons) scream elderly fashion, a new wave of themed designs will keep you from looking like your own grandfather. And MiddleofBeyond.com is here to give your dressing some room.

MoB’s website offers a plethora of horror/sci-fi themed gifts and clothing (sweaters, button-ups, flannel, jackets, shorts, hats), the latest — and best — being their line of affordable ($74.99 – $84.99) cardigans, featuring everything from the Loch Ness Monster, Bigfoot and Halloween, to Return of the Living Dead, The Shining and The Twilight Zone. They even have an Iron Maiden cardigan. P.S. I accept any and all gifts in the size of large, which also includes cash and/or adult beverages in bottles, cans and/or sippy cups.

While you look to tweak your wardrobe, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not look good on you…

AMITYVILLE CHRISTMAS VACATION / Out now (VOD)

“Wally has won a vacation to sunny Amityville. While there he met a woman — a GHOST woman. Can the spirit of Christmas bring these two opposites together?”

Dating a ghost woman is a no-brainer — just take her to all your favorite haunts.

AMITYVILLE BIGFOOT / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Amityville Chemical Company has a dark secret. One of their latest experiments broke break free and is wreaking havoc upon locals in the nearby woods. As the creature rips and shreds his way through each unsuspecting group, increasingly bizarre events mount towards one of the strangest Bigfoot encounters captured.”

A bit confused here — Bigfoot is a science experiment? What are they gonna tell us next — the Abominable Snowman was born in a Baskin-Robbins™ test tube? No wonder cryptozoology creatures hate us so much.

AMITYVILLE SCARECROW II / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

It’s been a year since the events of the first movie, and the survivors are about to reopen the camp. However, something sinister lurks…and all is not what it seems.”

Wonder what the sinister lurking something could be? An unfavorable raccoon? A dishonest squirrel? Maybe a harmful rabbit? I’ll ask that evil scarecrow hanging out nearby. He might know.

MUTILATOR 2 / Pending release 2023 (VOD)

“Buddy Cooper returned to write and direct the decades-later sequel to the slasher he made back in the 1980s.”

The original Mutilator came out in 1984 and had the best tag line: “By Sword, By Axe, By Pick, Bye-Bye.” That’s right up there with Alien’s (1979) tag: “In space no one can hear you fart.” Okay, I might have a bit of a recollection hiccup on that one.