Archive for March, 2017

UFOs, Gunslingers, Clowns and Snowmen

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Ghosts, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 31, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Phoenix Forgotten

On the eve of April 2, 2017’s Wrestlemania XXXIII (that’s 33 for all you non-Roman numeral types), The Undertaker is back to win again, something he’s done every Wrestlemania except one in the last three-plus decades. It’s rumored that he’ll retire after this match. Can’t say I blame him; one can only be dropped on your head for so many years before your luck runs out and your skull hits the mat like a freshness expired tomato.

The Undertaker would make a great horror movie icon after he hangs up his tights. What screams horror more than “you can’t kill a dead guy”? While you ponder that, here are a few upcoming horror movies that’ll no doubt give you a headache…

PHOENIX FORGOTTEN (April 21, 2017)
“In the spring of 1997, several residents of Phoenix, Arizona claimed to witness mysterious lights in the sky. This phenomenon, which became known as The Phoenix Lights, remains the most famous UFO sighting in American history. On July 23, 1997, three high school student filmmakers went missing while camping in the desert outside Phoenix. The purpose of their trip was to document their investigation into the Phoenix Lights. They were never seen again. Twenty years later, Sarah Bishop, a documentary filmmaker and younger sibling of one of the missing, returns to Phoenix to delve into the their disappearances and the emotional trauma left on those that knew them. Nothing can prepare her for the shocking discovery of a tape from the night her brother and his friends disappeared.”

This sounds exactly like The Phoenix Tapes ’97, right down to the premise of found footage and video cameras that never seem to run out of juice. With four other movies using The Phoenix Lights as a plot device (not counting the numerous documentaries), you’d think aliens would get their lawyers on the copyright case. Given the current state of affairs, it would be a hoot to have an illegal alien sue the U.S.

The Dark Tower

THE DARK TOWER (July 28, 2017)
“The last gunslinger, Roland Deschain has been locked in an eternal battle with Walter O’Dim, also known as the Man in Black, determined to prevent him from toppling the Dark Tower, which holds the universe together. With the fate of the worlds at stake, good and evil will collide in the ultimate battle as only Roland can defend the Tower from the Man in Black.”

Not sure how they’re gonna pull this off as its based on EIGHT Stephen King novels, beginning in 1982, and kitchen sinks it with themes of dark fantasy, science fantasy, horror, and Western. (What — no Acid Jazz Goth?) But hey, it still sounds like a good excuse to sit in a movie theater while munching on light bulb heated popcorn and sipping from smuggled airline bottles of Mezcal.

It

IT (September 8, 2017)
“When children begin to disappear in the town of Derry, Maine, a group of young kids are faced with their biggest fears when they square off against an evil clown named Pennywise, whose history of murder and violence dates back for centuries.”

The clown is about to get down. The original It (1990), based on the Stephen King novel of the same name with 100,000 pages in 37 formats, was a mini series made for sanitized television programming. But the new It is a movie and will probably carry a triple XXX rating. Or maybe an R. Doesn’t matter; as long as it doesn’t water itself down for TV like the original. (Disclaimer — Tim Curry did a pretty good job as Pennywise. Everybody else, not so much.)

The Snowman

THE SNOWMAN (October 13, 2017)
Detective Harry Hole investigates the disappearance of a woman whose pink scarf is found wrapped around an ominous-looking snowman.”

Detective Harry Hole. Sounds like a serviceable porn star name. And Snowmen wearing scarves? That’s pretty fashionable for someone made out of a non-flavored Slushee™. Wonder if it was a nice silk ascot or one of those cheap knock-offs you get at 7-Eleven™? Seems to me, though, that snowmen should be wearing leg warmers. Now THERE’S a timeless fashion statement.

Ghosts, The Future, Rib-Eye Steaks

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Slashers, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 29, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

A Ghost Story

Was eating a steak at my fav restaurant (JaK’s Grill) the other day (the “K” is supposed to be capitalized) and wondered between forking my face with savory chunks of rib-eye if Dracula ever ate a steak. Sure he’s eaten lots of stakes, but you’d think after hundreds of years of having those rammed into his gut hole, he’d wanna mix it up a bit. I suggest JaK’s top sirloin and work your way up to the 36 oz. Prime Delmonico (only $50 smackers). You have to wait a little longer to get it as it requires more cooking time, though. So if you’re Dracula or one of his minions, best not to order it before sunrise.

And yes, I do think about vampires when eating dinner. Helps take my mind off the bill. That said, here’s some potentially flavorful upcoming horror/sci-fi.

A GHOST STORY (July 17, 2017)
“In this singular exploration of legacy, love, loss, and the enormity of existence, a recently deceased, white-sheeted ghost returns to his suburban home to try and reconnect with his bereft wife.”

Dude, your widowed wife is gonna freak that you cut holes in her freshly laundered, lightweight cotton percale flat sheets. (Fitted sheets make for a very dumb looking poltergeist.) Try something else because you’re a ghost, dang it. Your forever job is to scare the sheet out of everybody.

Valerian

VALERIAN (July 21, 2017)
“In the 28th century, special operatives Valerian and Laureline maintain order throughout the universe for the government of the human territories. Under orders from their commander, the duo embark on a mission to Alpha, an intergalactic city where diverse species share their technology and resources for the betterment of all. The ever-expanding metropolis is also home to sinister forces that jeopardize the future of mankind.”

Yeesh — YET ANOTHER teen sci-fi movie. This one stars that chick with the uni-brow. Maybe future technology could fix that for her.

Escape From Cannibal Farm

ESCAPE FROM CANNIBAL FARM (2017)
“In the British countryside, the Harver family head out on an idyllic summer camping trip where they can bury past tensions and enjoy some family bonding. But when their camp is sabotaged by an unseen intruder in the night, they head to the nearby creepy old farm desperate for help, where vengeful farmer Hunt Hansen and his hideously deformed son aren’t farming animals. Caged and waiting for their limbs to be severed, cooked and eaten one at a time, the Harver family must overcome their differences and unite in order to escape alive.”

Gotta say, nifty title. It tells you everything you need to know going in. Curious as to why cannibal horror movies seem to arrive with, say, the regularity of breakfast, lunch and dinner. Of all horror’s sub-genres, you’d think people eating people wouldn’t be on the top of anyone’s menu. Guess the popularity of zombies have made cannibalism more mouth-watering. Okay, I’ll stop.

Tonight She Comes

TONIGHT SHE COMES (2017)
“After a girl goes missing, two of her friends and a mysterious set of strangers find themselves drawn to the cabin in the woods where she disappeared. They will laugh, they will drink, they will kiss, they will make love, and THEY MUST ALL DIE.”

Thanks, hack Hollywood press release writer — don’t need to see the movie now that you’ve just given it all away. Then again, we’ve all been watching this movie for decades. I should start watching same plot films like these with my eyes closed.

Skin vs Fur – A Fashion Statement

Posted in Misc. Horror, Scream Queens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on March 26, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Pelts

Rotund rocker Meat Loaf stars in Pelts (2006) as a furrier who runs a sweat shop (his shirt could count as one), and gets coat-making raccoon skins from a trapper. The trapper gets his raccoons from the woods. The raccoons are watched over by an old woman who lives in a shack and hasn’t mowed her lawn in years. She’s no doubt behind the curse that befalls anyone who takes the “pine lights,” a reference to the raccoons, whose eyes glow in the dark, the only part of ’em you can see when they’re up the trees ready to jump on your head get poison all over you.

Pelts

Meat Loaf frequents a strip club where he’s totally sprung on a supermodel dancer. But she won’t give up the good stuff because he’s fat and icky. He promises her a fur coat so awesome, she’ll do it with him, just you wait and see.

Pelts

A call from the trapper has Meat traveling way out in the woods to evaluate this so-called “best fur you’ve ever seen.” There’s a joke in there somewhere. When he gets there, he finds the trapper and his assistant dead, one of ’em with his face severed in half…length-wise. That’s what happens when you voluntarily put your head in a bear trap.

Pelts

Meat finds the fur and is simply aghast — this is indeed the best fur he’s ever seen. And he’s been to a LOT of strip clubs. (Heh.) Taking the pelts, he gets his workers busy making the coat. But during the night the curse kicks in and one worker sews her eyes, nose and mouth shut, thereby suffocating herself. Instant job opening.

Pelts

Meat takes the completed wrap to the stripper. It’s the best fur she’s ever seen, and she’s danced in a LOT of strip clubs. Trying it on, she gets all fuzzy inside and offers herself to the Meat. He takes it. But he’s not done, uh, showering her with gifts. He goes into the bathroom where a meat cleaver sits. All strippers have these kinds of knives in case they get a knot in their work bikini.

Pelts

With skilled precision, Meat slices into his arms and stomach and, in an inspired moment, pulls his own skin off as though it were a seamless shirt. He gives it to the stripper who doesn’t want it. (Probably not her size.) But a chase into an old elevator ends with arms and legs being severed and no one left to try on the skin shirt. Too bad — it looks like you could wear it with just about anything.

Superheroes, Godzilla, Chick Monsters and Dirty Harry

Posted in Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 25, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Eyes

Spent all morning trying to get my hair to goon out like Giorgio Tsoukalos on the Ancient Aliens TV series. That guy has some serious follicle action goin’ on. My attempt to replicate and emulate didn’t turn out so well. Looks like I won’t be leaving my apartment until the lacquer wears off.

In the meantime, here’s some upcoming horror and sci-fi to make your hair stand on end…

THE EYES (April 7, 2017)
“Six strangers with unspeakable pasts wake up imprisoned in an abandoned warehouse and discover they are being forced to participate in an evil governmental experiment.  Five must die. One can live. And they have two hours to decide amongst themselves who survives. The clock is ticking and if they don’t decide…they ALL die.”

Overused plot #37. And being forced to participate in an evil government experiment? Well, heck — that’s called life. And The Eyes needs to get one.

Justice League

JUSTICE LEAGUE (November 11, 2017)
Fueled by his restored faith in humanity and inspired by Superman’s selfless act, Bruce Wayne enlists newfound ally Diana Prince to face an even greater threat. Together, Batman and Wonder Woman work quickly to recruit a team to stand against this newly awakened enemy. Despite the formation of an unprecedented league of heroes — Batman, Wonder Woman, Aquaman, Cyborg and the Flash — it may be too late to save the planet from an assault of catastrophic proportions.”

The new trailers for Justice League has everybody frothing in their britches. (Mine were bubbling over every since the first Wonder Woman trailer.) DC, a little late to the superhero gang game, is nevertheless pulling out all stops to make JL a box office barn burner. And with footage of Wonder Woman changing into her costume, it should be.

Not sure why they included the semi-obscure Cyborg over Green Lantern or Martian Manhunter. But hey, they didn’t include me either as Yell Man. Super powers include expressing myself in hippie-scattering levels, planking upside down on the couch and staring at the TV without blinking for days on end. Abilities become more intense after powering up with a mystical potion (Budweiser™).

Godzilla — Monster Planet

GODZILLA — MONSTER PLANET (November, 2017/Netflix™)
Haruo, who saw his parents killed by Godzilla in front of his eyes when he was 4 years old, had only one thing in his mind for 20 years: to return to the Earth and defeat Godzilla. Shut out from the possibility of emigration, as the living environment in the ship deteriorates, the group of ‘Earth Returnists’ led by Haruo became the majority, and determines to head back to Earth through a dangerous long-distance hyperspace navigation. However, the Earth they have returned to has already passed the time of 20,000 years, and has become an unknown world with the ecosystem reigned by Godzilla.”

This one’s animated (i.e., cartoon). Still, it’s God-freakin’-zilla, man. I’ll take him in any form — except wood. A wooden Godzilla would probably burn his own tongue off when breathalyzing his radioactive flame belch. (Clams have that same effect on me for some reason.)

Lifeform

LIFEFORM (2017)
Hadrian Beckett, a molecular biologist working to bring his wife, Samantha, back from a brain dead state, creates transgenic super stem cells that are capable of repairing cellular damage. The cells save Samantha’s life, but Hadrian and Sam discover that she is slowly being transformed into a creature of pure instinct, one that is able to alter the shape of its body at will. Hadrian must find a cure before her sense of identity is completely subsumed by the beast within her.”

Not to be confused with the 1996 sci-fi movie of the same name. Then again the plot feels like a reworking of Deadly Friend (1986) with notes of Return of the Living Dead 3 (1993). So Samantha is turning into a creature of pure instinct and… The next words out of my mouth could get me in big trouble with every woman on the planet.

Maniac Cop

MANIAC COP (2018)
“A determined female cop sets out to reveal the truth after the LAPD attempts a cover up when innocent people are brutally murdered on the streets by a uniformed police officer.”

Maniac Cops

A remake. Before it: Maniac Cop/1988, Maniac Cop 2/1990, Maniac Cop 3: Badge of Silence/1993, all of which takes their lead from 1973’s Magnum Force starring the ultimate maniac (in a good way) cop, Dirty Harry.

Magnum Force

Award Winning Alien

Posted in Aliens, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , on March 24, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Alien: Covenant

Alien: Covenant (2017) hasn’t come out as of this e-blogging, but its already won numerous awards. The latest key art was named “Best Reason To Crap Your Pants With Glee,” along with “Best Reason To Not Die Until The Movie Comes Out on May 19, 2017,” and the coveted “Best Romantic Date Night” movie.

These, of course, are the awards I’m giving Alien: Covenant. I have no doubts that come the Academy Awards in 2018 that the movie will be a clean sweep in all divisions, including the category of “Best Foreign Organism.”

I can’t wait to see a Xenomorph come up on stage to receive the first of many Oscar trophies. Let’s hope he acid sneezes all over the front row audience.

Evil, Evil, Evil and…Ghosts

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 24, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Holy Terror

Cut myself shaving the other day. Then I cut my peanut butter spreading hand while making a sandwich with a chef-grade butcher knife. Then I cut my back-up hand on what appeared to be diamond edged paper. Then I cut my elbow/neck/rib cage on some barbed wire. (Hey, it was in the dumpster — finder’s keepers.) I feel like I’m both the slasher and the slashee.

While I change my bandages, here’s some upcoming horror movies that are hopefully a cut above the rest. C’mon — that was a clever tie-in. Geez, tough crowd.

HOLY TERROR (April 1, 2017)
“Believing their deceased son isn’t at peace, Molly and Tom ask a medium to make contact. But after they invite a vengeful demon to cross over, the couple must enlist the help of a disgraced priest to attempt a dangerous exorcism.”

How come it’s always a disgraced priest who gets the call to clean-up on aisle four? If the Devil knows your secrets (which is why Satan never loses at poker), then you’re setting yourself up for a real embarrassing social situation.

A Dark Song

A DARK SONG (April 28, 2017 / VOD / Limited)
“A determined young woman and a damaged occultist risk their lives and souls to perform a dangerous ritual that will grant them what they want.”

Isn’t that what a slot machine does? (I can’t tell you how many times I’ve risked my soul on the Mega Meltdown slot. What can I say — I’m a sucker for pictures of lava.

Another Evil

ANOTHER EVIL (2017)
“After encountering a ghost in their vacation home, Dan and his wife Mary consult an exorcist. Unsatisfied with the verdict, Dan goes behind his wife’s back to seek a second opinion, and secretly hires Os, who promises to get rid of the beings. Os and Dan spend a week together in the vacation home exorcising the “EFD” (Evil Fully Determined) beings, but Dan soon realizes that ridding the home of evil won’t be as simple as it seems.”

A ghost squatter. That’s a new one. Wonder if it’s a ghost of a hippie, who are known to squat in real estate that isn’t legally theirs? A little Iron Maiden (dealer’s choice) played at hippie melting levels should solve that problem real quick.

Escape Room

ESCAPE ROOM (2017)
“Four friends decide to partake in a popular escape room horror attraction, only to find themselves stuck inside with a demonically possessed killer. They only have one hour to solve the room and escape with their lives.”

Sounds like a cross between The Funhouse (1981) and any of the Saw movies. You might think I’m being a dick, but I hope they run out of time. That would make my sun shine.

Sex Meat Addict

Posted in Misc. Horror, Science Fiction, Scream Queens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 21, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Mad Cowgirl

A sexy brunette (who looks like Julia Roberts’ little sister) is a meat inspector who doesn’t just examine shiny, store-bought hamburgers. This gal craves pant steak. She’s obsessed with a sex-addicted televangelist (played by Star Trek’s Chekov) and has sexy results with him. (One of the funnier moments comes when she’s knocking phasers with a guy who looks like Sulu while watching Chekov on TV.)

Mad Cowgirl

In-between mattress moshing and packing meat, the gal watches her favorite kung-fu show, The Girl With The Thunderbolt Kick. As destiny would have it, her brother — who runs a meat processing plant — has been selling tainted beef. This is not divulged to the sister, to whom he’s been giving the tube steak on a weekly basis. (He probably just forgot to mention it.)

Mad Cowgirl

So he infects her and her brain starts to do a buttsteak in a grinder. When she goes to the doctor, he speaks to her in Indian and she can totally understand him and responds…in English. He gives her a bunch of pills and then hits on her. Ick.

Mad Cowgirl

When she goes to church to confess her wrongness (“I had sexual intercourse 30 times…last week”), the priest tells her she’s committed mortal sins, but because her brain is broken, it comes out in a strange dialect, telling her to kill the Ten Tigers From Kwangtung (not real animals, metaphoric ones, i.e., everyone she’s been deeply romantic with in the past seven days). She does this with kung-fu moves, a flying guillotine (which makes for e-z decapitations), and some sort of sharp kitchen tools.

Mad Cowgirl

At this point if you’re lost as to the actual plot of Mad Cowgirl (2006), just let it happen; I couldn’t figure it out, either — and I totally eat steaks and watch kung-fu movies all the time.