The Whoosh, Demon Rental Agreement, Dracula’s Butler

The Flash premiered in North America on October 7, 2014, where the pilot became the second-most watched premiere in the history of The CW, after The Vampire Diaries in 2009. Now, nine seasons later, The Flash is ending its run (heh), starting on February 8, 2023. Sorry to see it go as I’ve watched every episode since the beginning. For that, you’d think Flash would pose for a selfie with me or sign something I could sell on eBay™, but no. (Never meet your heroes.)

The Flash has gone up against some tough cookies during that time — King Shark, Captain Cold, The Thinker, Grodd, Anti-Monitor, his wife… But in order to give Flash a run for his money, the show featured over a dozen characters who could also scoot boot, including Reverse-Flash, Flashpoint Reverse-Flash, Kid Flash, Jay Garrick/Flash Earth-3, Nazi Flash, Barry Allen Earth-1, Zoom, Black Flash, Trajectory, Jesse Quick, Godspeed, Savitar, Speed Force, Velocity… Some cool names, some dumb names, and a lot of super silly costumes.

Even Flash’s wife Iris had speedster abilities for one episode. And his time-traveling future kids Bart (Kid Flash, Impulse, White Flash) and Norah (XS) inherited their dad’s ability to run to the store and back before the TV commercials were over. As a bonus, Flash and Green Arrow woke up one day with each other’s abilities. (The Flash with Green Arrow’s trademark 5 o’clock shadow looked…uncomfortable.)

So while we say goodbye to one of the better superhero TV series ever made, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not give you the runs…

DAWN BREAKS BEHIND THE EYES / January 8, 2023 (Shudder™)

“Dieter and Margot Menliff, in an unhappy marriage, visit an old castle that Margot has just inherited. When they arrive, Dieter explores the basement, while Margot examines the rest of the castle. Dieter sees something in the cellar that causes him to drop his keys and flee. Margot has a vision in a dusty mirror.”

This one was released in Germany back in the germ-y days of 2021. Sounds really scary if something in the cellar makes you drop your keys. It’d give me flees, too.

SORRY ABOUT THE DEMON / January 19, 2023 (Shudder™)

“After being dumped by his girlfriend Amy, broken hearted Will is offered a massive house at a very low rent. What’s the catch? The restless spirit haunting the place needs a human sacrifice and the prior owners must find one or else their young daughter is toast.”

A human sacrifice in place of a damage deposit? Sounds reasonable.

FAMILY DINNER / March 28, 2023 (VOD)

“An overweight teenager spends the holidays at her aunt’s farm in the hope of getting help to lose weight, but soon after her arrival, she begins to suspect that something is very wrong at this place.”

She discovers there are no Dunkin’ Donuts™ in that zip code. Horrifying.

RENFIELD / April 14, 2023 (Theaters)

“R.M. Renfield was an inmate at a lunatic asylum who was thought to be suffering from delusions but actually is a servant of Dracula. Renfield has been serving the bloodsucker for centuries, and now he has grown sick and tired of his role as Dracula’s lackey. The henchman finds a new lease on life and maybe even redemption when he falls for feisty, perennially angry traffic cop, Rebecca Quincy.”

Not seeing a downside to having Dracula as your employer. First, you could talk to him any time you want. You’d never have to do the dishes and can eat all the bugs you want…for free. Score!

Turkish Dracula

1953’s Drakula İstanbul’da — painstakingly translated to Dracula in Istanbul, paints the Prince of Darkness in humorless hues. (Actually, the movie is in black and white, but Dracula was/is a pretty colorful guy.) This Turkish Dracula is balding, has crayon tip fangs pointing opposite directions, and is only interested in real estate deals and juicing your neck.

Drakula İstanbul’da is a re-vamping (heh) of the 1928 novel Kazıklı Voyvoda (Impaler Voivode). And that book was a near photocopied translation of Bram Stoker’s novel that brought Dracula into the mainstream. Only difference is the Mina character is a stripper (um, I mean “showgirl”) and Dracula boot lick Renfield is nowhere to be found. (He’s probably in some basement eating the life force of bugs.)

Drakula is hungry and his feeding techniques look more like he’s leaning in to tell you a bawdy joke rather than a perforation. His target is two young ladies, one of whom has a mysterious secret: sleepwalking. Scary, but assured it’ll go away once she’s married. (Heard that doesn’t work with uncontrollable flatulence.)

Drakula is hunted down in a long and boring process (the only chills would be if you watched this in the Antarctica with the windows open), and dispatched with a medium rare stake through the heart as applied with a rock. Time to take down the anti-Drakula decorations — all garlic must go. “But I use it to cook with,” says Mina, who protests she won’t be able to make her eggplant recipe without it. (No person in their right mind would eat that crap anyway, so better to just move on to mac ’n cheese and give up this eggplant madness and schemes.)

Dracula isn’t the only intellectual property grave Istanbul has robbed. Superman, Flash Gordon, Zorro, Captain America, Batman, Tarzan, Satan and Spider-Man (as a green-suited criminal) have all been given a Turkish bath, and look like they were dressed in clothes their moms made them. Final note: You haven’t any idea of what Istanbul is all about until you’ve seen Turkish Batman cavort with ladies of burlesque.

P.S. For some prime hardcore Turkish horror action, check out Baskin (2015), wherein four cops enter the foyer of Hell when they happen upon a Black Mass in an abandoned building. Hope you have a strong stomach. Otherwise it’s recycled eggplant time.

There Is Only One Vampire

While there was a diaper-smudging scary vampire movie that came 15 years prior (Les Vampires/1915), Dracula, made in 1931, is the gold bar standard for ALL vampire movies since. And they did it without blood, fangs, a movie soundtrack or the Internet. All it took was an awesome story, spooky ass atmosphere, a few rubber bats, and Bela Lugosi’s famous arching eyebrows, which McDonald’s ultimately stole for their logo. True that.

Renfield works as a leasor for Count Dracula, and travels overseas with some papers for Carfax Abbey, his new rental digs in bloody, bustling London. Once in town, Drac steps out for a bite, then off to a symphony (regarded as a metal concert back in those days.)

Dracula needs Renfield to do minion bidding for him, so he unleashes the now-famous Drac stare-down, the evil equivalent of a Clint Eastwood cowboy squint. (Squint Eastwood. Heh.) This turns Renfield into a minimum wage employee who eats company bugs.

And here’s where a second star is born. Renfield’s maniacal stare and ultra-creepy smirking laugh STILL freaks one out to this day. No one since has managed to goon people out the way he did. You should know the rest of the story from here.

Dracula sucks on Mina, the movie’s hot chick, although Drac’s three vamp brides back at the castle are creatures with some nice features. Now Mina has permanent crampy “woman” problems.

Van Helsing, a guy holding a doctorate in doctoring, discovers Dracula’s vampire tendencies, and along with Mina’s boyfriend Johnathan Harker (cool name, even cooler suit) track Drac back to the coffin and…chop, chop, fizz, fizz.

Curiously, this classic ended abruptly, with Van Helsing serving up Dracula a nice stake dinner, while Johnathan and Mina walk slowly up the stairs in grief relief. Van Helsing opts to stick (sorry) around. (I bet you anything he was gonna steal Dracula’s wallet.)

To revisit the legacy of the modern day (OK, that sounds odd) vampire is pretty dang cool. So, like, I command thee to watch it.