Archive for pandemic

X-Files Anniversary, Demonic Kids Games, Zombie Baby-Making

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Evil, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, TV Vixens, UFOs, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 4, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The X-Files

Talk about finding the Holy Grail of sci-fi TV series — 20th Century Fox Home Entertainment™ is issuing all 11 seasons/218 episodes of The X-Files on DVD/Blu-ray box set on October 15, 2018 to commemorate the pop culture phenomenon’s 25th anniversary. Now you can binge watch (take the week off from work) all those elusive flying saucers, aliens, monsters, demonic stuff, and subsequent government conspiracies. That’s the good news. The bad news is its only available (for now) in England. Blimey!

The X-Files

Yeah, there’s been X-Files box sets before, the last one released a few years ago and only went to Season 10. At $148.00 for the Blu-ray collection and $119.00 for the DVD set, it was still a bargain at twice the price. The only drag is that the new box set contains 59 discs; Trying to find a particular episode in a sea of shows seems unduly laborious (sorry — word of the day calendar).

The X-Files

So while you click on over to Amazon.co.uk to buy it ($117.00 in U.S. converted dollars), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be worthy of a Fox Muldar/Dana Scully investigation…

Light As A Feather

LIGHT AS A FEATHER (October 12, 2018/Hulu)
“An innocent game of ‘Light as a Feather, Stiff as a Board’ goes wrong when the five teen girls who played start dying off in the exact way that was predicted, forcing the survivors to figure out why they’re being targeted — and whether the evil force hunting them down is one of their own.”

Light as a feather, stiff as a board. Sounds more like a wishful health condition than a game. If it’s pure evil they’re looking for, those girls should start playing Twister™, the Exorcist edition.

Welcome To Mercy

WELCOME TO MERCY (November 2, 2018)
“A young woman struggles against the unholy forces that possess her in this terrifying occult thriller. After being stricken with stigmata, single mother Madaline is sent to a remote convent where nothing is what it seems and her friend August is seemingly the only person she can trust. Together, they must confront the demons inside Madaline before she becomes the Antichrist.”

Wikipedia™ defines stigmata as a term used in Christian Mysticism to describe the manifestations of bodily wounds, scars and pain in locations corresponding to the crucifixion wounds of Jesus Christ, such as the hands, wrists, and feet. My bartender defines it as falling into sharp sticker bushes while wobbling home unholy drunk.

Mail Order Monster

MAIL ORDER MONSTER (November 6, 2018)
“12-year-old Sam Pepper lost her mother in a car accident and her reclusive, quirky nature makes her an easy target for bullying. Realizing she’d had enough, Sam orders the parts to build a ‘Monster’ from a comic book ad, and is finally able to get back at the bully. Life becomes gets more complicated when Sam discovers her father Roy proposes to his girlfriend Sydney, Pepper relies on her monster to keep her from getting a new mom.”

Comic book back page ads in my day only sold stuff like X-Ray glasses (didn’t work), live Seamonkeys (didn’t float), Kryptonite “rocks” (regular rocks painted green) and Space Shoes for $1.98 (still wearing ‘em).

Zoo

ZOO (2018/2019)
“Karen and John have lost the spark of married life the day they were notified that they were unable to conceive. Now they almost live like the walking dead, imprisoned by everyday life and on the verge of divorce. When the world is hit by a pandemic that really turns people into zombies, the couple have to lock themselves in their apartment, waiting for rescue. While the world outside is falling apart, they are forced to find their way back to each other and reclaim their lost love.”

Stuck indoors while zombies are taking over outside and nothing to do but practice making babies? This doesn’t sound like a dark horror comedy but rather…THE BEST MOVIE IN THE WORLD!

Badass Aliens, Spooky Town, Zombie Rabies

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Foreign Horror, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 20, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Predator

Two new badass key art posters for the upcoming Predator (September 14, 2018) movie. There’s different titles on several of ‘em — one of the first posters says Pred4tor, and these say simply The Predator. I don’t care what they call it as I’ve been a Predator fan since the first movie (can’t remember what they called it) when it came out in 1987. I even tried to comb my hair to look like the dreadlocked Predator, even though everybody else at the time was trying to look like a member of Duran Duran.

The Predator

As I e-barfed about this movie back in May, 2018, the plot revolves around the alien Predator hunters genetically hybriding themselves with DNA from other species. Here on Earth we call that getting lucky at Ladies Night (“Lois Lanes”) at the bowling alley. (And hey — microwaved nachos are only $1.99 while supplies last!)

Aqua Velva

Before you pull out the plaid and Aqua Velva™ cologne and head to the bowling alley, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/TV series that may or may not go good with $1.99 microwaved nachos…

Castle Rock

CASTLE ROCK (July 25, 2018/Hulu™)
Castle Rock combines the mythological scale and intimate character storytelling of Stephen King’s best-loved works, weaving an epic saga of darkness and light, played out on a few square miles of Maine woodland.”

The extended trailer for this 10 episode TV series looks pretty dang creepy. Guess I’ll have to bribe my neighbor with some sort of adult beverage with optional ice cubes and/or silly straw to get his Hulu™ login password and binge watch it.

Hurt

HURT (July 26, 2018/Fantasia)
Rose moves into a house in the woods close to her sister after her boyfriend gets deployed and things don’t go right when Halloween night arrives.”

Yeesh, they really don’t try to sell it with that generic/lame press release. Wonder if Rose has to do battle with Halloween raccoons out trick-or-treating for pine cones? Who wouldn’t want to see a movie like that?

Patient Zero

PATIENT ZERO (August 14, 2018)
“An unprecedented global pandemic has resulted in the evolution of a new species. An aggressive form of rabies turns the infected into predators, addicted to violence. An inexplicably gifted human survivor with the ability to speak their new language spearheads a hunt for Patient Zero in order to find a cure to save his infected wife and humanity.”

The global pandemic that creates an aggressive form of rabies no doubt results in Republicans. That obvious truth stated, Patient Zero sounds like a cross between Pontypool (2008) and every other zombie movie from the last 10 years. You may now aggressively yawn.

My Worst Nightmare

MY WORST NIGHTMARE (Canada on T+E/Spring 2019)
My Worst Nightmare explores harrowing recurring nightmares and brings them to life in vivid detail.”

This is gonna be Canadian documentary TV series, which means you should stock up on Moosehead Lager (5% alcohol), Molson Canadian (5% alcohol), Labatt Blue (5% alcohol), Sleeman’s Honey Brown (5.3% alcohol), Big Rock Traditional Ale (5% alcohol), and — winner! — Unibroue La Fin Du Monde (9% alcohol). Heck, try ’em all and bring your own nightmares to life in vivid detail.

Chinese Beasts, G-Rated Zombies, Halloween Purge

Posted in Asian Sci-Fi, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 7, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Hanson and the Beast

Ever see a sci-fi/fantasy movie trailer that just messes with what’s left of your mind? Give the now-available via limited theatre release Hanson and the Beast (2018) a spin. From China (but now available in the States), HatB just came out several days ago (as of this e-barfing) and might just very well get the WTF award of the month, if not year.

Hanson and the Beast

From the press release: “Yuan Shuai, a debt-ridden animal-breeder, tries to get out of his financial predicament by finding a wealthy girlfriend through matchmaking dates. He unexpectedly meets and fall in love with the fox demon, Bai Xianchu, who has arrived to the mortal realm to repay her gratitude. However, the head of the Demon tribe Yun Zhonghe forbids a love relationship between a demon and a human; and takes Bai Xianchu away. To seek his lover, Yuan Shuai bravely crashes the demonic world.”

Hanson and the Beast

Human/animal hybrids, pseudo vampires, rom-comedy, possible bestiality power smooching… Man, this sounds like a night out at The Poggie Tavern, besides the fact I didn’t understand a dang thing about it. Watch the trailer and see if you can figure it out. It’s pretty crazy and loaded with WTF. P.S. No one named Hanson in the movie as far as I can tell. Probably not a traditional Chinese name.

While we’re waiting for a non-subtitled version, here are  few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that you probably won’t have to read…

Diverge

DIVERGE (February 6, 2018)
“In the aftermath of a mysterious pandemic that’s turned cities into wastelands, a man desperately searches for a way to cure his ailing wife as she battles a deadly virus. When he is captured by a cryptic stranger, he is offered the chance to save not only his wife but the world.”

I thought our cities were already wastelands. As for a way to treat the guy’s sick spouse, liquor stores have to the cure to “whatever ALES you.” Heh. If I had a chance to save the world, though, I’d take a pass. But Uranus? I’ve got yer back, man. Okay, that came out all wrong.

Zombies

ZOMBIES (February 16, 2018/Disney Channel)
Seabrook is a suburban town obsessed with tradition, conformity, football, and cheerleading, but they’re in for a major shake-up when students from Zombietown transfer to Seabrook High and struggle to coexist alongside human students. When a fierce cheerleader, Addison, and zombie football star, Zed, become friends, they partner to help unite their school and community.”

Warning: This one is gonna show up on the Disney Channel, which means, no graphic gut-ripping rodeos or intestinal roping contests. And if you have the Disney Channel, why the h*ck are you reading this blog?

Annihilation

ANNIHILATION (February 23, 2018)
“A female biologist signs up for a dangerous, secret expedition where the laws of nature don’t apply.”

Where’s she going — a Taco Bell™ restroom? I don’t care what scientists claim, the only Law of Nature that applies in Taco Bell™ is that what goes in must come out — and that result, paradoxically, is against the ALL the Laws of Nature.

Bad Apples

BAD APPLES (February, 2018)
“It’s Halloween night, and two ‘bad apples’ decide to play some wicked tricks on the one house in a suburban cul-de-sac that is not celebrating Halloween. They terrorize a young couple in their home and these tricks become increasingly more sinister as the night progresses, finally ending in a Halloween the entire neighborhood will never forget.”

Sounds like someone is handing out razor-filled avocados instead of the traditional spiked candy treats. That’d p*ss me off, too.

Sunken Subs, Spaceships and Candy!

Posted in Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 5, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Tribe

Is it just my imagination, or is the current state of politics/politicians not the greatest horror story going? Here’s some upcoming horror movies to make you feel good about politics…

THE TRIBE (February 10, 2017)
“Three young sisters live out their days after a pandemic has consumed most of the known world. One day a stranger suddenly shows up and their world changes in ways they never could have imagined.”

So a global pandemic isn’t something that changes your life forever, and yet a horny stranger with suspect hygiene does? Maybe he has candy. If that’s the case, I totally heart you, candy-bringing stranger!

The Chamber

THE CHAMBER (March 10, 2017)
“Set beneath the Yellow Sea, a pilot of a small submersible craft and a three-man Special Ops team become trapped underwater in a fight for survival. As the pilot and leader of the crew who must fight for their lives and against each other as the water rises and air supply runs out.”

Reminds me of the old joke — air is like sex; it’s no big deal until you’re not getting any. Guys, there’s plenty of air on top of the water. Just tape a bunch of milkshake straws together to access it. Special Ops always carry milkshake straws in case of emergencies, right? Problem solved.

Spaceship Terror

SPACESHIP TERROR (2017)
“Marooned on a deserted planet, and picked up by a old derelict spaceship, six unwitting travelers find themselves enslaved in a torture-filled blood lust that will take you on a white-knuckle ride into Hell.”

You don’t have to go to space to enjoy a white-knuckle ride into Hell. Ever been in a New York taxi?

Stirring

STIRRING (2018)
“Fans will recognize winks to Black Christmas, Silent Night, Deadly Night and To All A Goodnight, but will also appreciate its own unique style and take on the Christmas themed slasher.”

Dubious of the claim Stirring — that doesn’t get released until next year (?) — has it’s own unique style, especially after aligning itself to all those other Christmas horror movies, which are all the same thing. Christmas slashers are so ‘80s. Best leave the holiday slaughter to Krampus and/or Republicans.

Zombie Babysitters, Bigfoot Infections, Backward Clocks

Posted in Bigfoot, Evil, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 19, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Cargo

Four more new horror/sci-fi flicks. It’s as if they’re being manufactured by some sort of movie assembling plant or something. Wonder if one of those things really do exist? Maybe someone in Hollywood knows.

CARGO (2018)
“In a desperate bid to outrun a violent pandemic, Andy and Kay have holed up on a houseboat with their one-year-old daughter, Rosie. Their protected river existence is shattered by a violent attack, which sees Kay tragically die and Andy infected. Left with only 48 hours before he transforms into one of the creatures they have fought so long to evade, Andy sets out on a precarious journey to find a new guardian for his child.”

This one’s still in production as of this sentence-spitting. Who knows, by the time it comes out if could go from being YET ANOTHER zombie movie to a rom-com. Interesting premise, though — trying to find a nanny in a zombie wasteland. Just so you know, sitter rates double for this one.

The Fiance

THE FIANCE (out now)
“When a beautiful bride-to-be is bitten by the legendary creature, Bigfoot, she becomes a brutal force of nature hellbent on breaking her engagement — and her fiancé.”

Bitten by Bigfoot? You’d think he’d kick her, what with that famous foot of his and all. So if Bigfoot’s bite can turn you into another Bigfoot, imagine what being chomped by a Crap Monkey would do?

Villisca

THE AXE MURDERS OF VILLISCA (2017 / VOD / Limited)
“Now used as a tourist destination, the Villisca Axe Murder House has terrified visitors from around the world and is considered one of the most haunted houses in America. Three troubled teens who decide to break in and spend the night at the house, forever changing who they are and what is known about the original murders.”

Again with the troubled teens. Wonder what makes those over-privileged little sh*t heads so angst-y? Maybe I should talk to them and axe them a few questions. You know, get to the bottom of their problems and bury the hatchet.

Couner Clockwise

COUNTER CLOCKWISE (December 13, 2016)
“A scientist, while working on inventing teleportation, instead accidentally invents time travel and zaps himself six months into the future. But that future is a sinister, confusing and violent one as he finds himself being chased by gun-toting hitmen as well as being the prime suspect in the murders of his wife and sister. He attempts to change history and save his loved ones by traveling back in time to uncover the mysteries.”

Sounds like The Fugitive (1993) meets Back To The Future (1985). If I ever get around to inventing time travel, I’d go back and re-drink all the beers I used to baptize my inner neck with. Wouldn’t re-guzzle that first Jagermeister smoothie, though; No amount of time tampering is gonna fix that mess.