Archive for Jaws

Photographic Jaws, Mixtape Monsters, Gator Aid

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Sharks with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 4, 2019 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Jaws

No question the poster for Jaws (1975) is one of the most iconic pieces of movie art of all time. Illustrated by Roger Kastel, the art has been turned into everything from book covers and board games, to countless parodies and baby blankets. And thanks to British filmmaker/cage diver Euan Rannachan, we now get to see the Jaws poster come to life, featuring his uncanny photo of a real shark swimming Jaws-style towards some soon-to-be happy meal.

Jaws

As first reported by the Daily Mail, Euan took the one-in-a-million pic off the coast of Mexico. Here’s what he had to say about that: “The shark in my image is a female and her name is Squirrel. We’d been with her for a while. We have these people on the boat called shark wranglers and they throw these two-foot chunks of tuna to get the shark close to the surface,” Rannachan told the site, explaining how he got the perfect photograph of the seventeen-foot shark. A guy named Crazy Luis stood up on the boat to bring the shark to us as we sat on the surface in the shark cage.”

Jaws

Crazy Luis seems like someone you’d want to fiesta with. And while we spitball alternative names for a shark other than Squirrel (?!?), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be improved by adding two-foot chunks of tuna to ’em…

Starfish

STARFISH (May 28, 2019)
When a mysterious signal from an unknown dimension summons the end of days, it appears as if only Aubrey is left on earth. Trapped in the apartment of her recently deceased best friend, the only clue she has is a single cassette left behind after her friend’s death, labeled: “THIS MIXTAPE WILL SAVE THE WORLD.” Thrust into a mystery orchestrated by her friend and stricken with grief, Aubrey begins to piece the clues together, uncovering a series of tapes all with pieces of the mystery signal. Along the way, progress is impeded when monstrous creatures begin to overrun the world and enclose in on her. Aubrey is forced to fight off the encroaching creatures and move beyond her own crippling grief in order to find the remaining tapes. But will completing The Signal save the world?”

Wonder if the mixtape has R.E.M.’s “It’s the End of The World” on it? That’d be pretty funny if it did. So Aubrey is the last gal standing, facing off against giant monsters. As apocalyptic scenarios go, that’s not too shabby, even if it does “borrow” from The Last Man On Earth (1964), The Omega Man (1971) and I Am Legend (2007). Lesser so with The Last Woman on Earth (1960), which had two dudes fighting over her and all the shoe stores in the world open 24 hours a day.

Hallowed Ground

HALLOWED GROUND (June 11, 2019)
“A married couple, trying to rebuild their relationship after an affair, travels to a secluded cabin and stumbles into a blood feud between the Native American owners of the property and the neighboring clan, who obsessively guard their land and punish those who trespass on it in terrifying ways.”

About time Native Americans gave the business end of the tomahawk to those Republicans. I bet one of the terrifying ways to punish them would be to put ‘em in a teepee to reflect on their shameful behavior. Probably wouldn’t be able to make sit in a corner because, hey, teepees are round, man. I totally looked it up.

Crawl

CRAWL (July 12, 2019)
“When a massive hurricane hits her Florida hometown, Haley ignores evacuation orders to search for her missing father. Finding him gravely injured in the crawl space of their family home, the two become trapped by quickly encroaching floodwaters. As time runs out to escape the strengthening storm, Haley and her father discover that the rising water level is the least of their fears.”

Even though it takes the premise of Bait 3D (2012), it’s no spoiler that crocodiles and/or alligators end up in flooded houses and/or condos. The trailer for this one is insane cool, with many hungry reptiles showing up for this buffet, which has a lot of screaming deals. Heh.

Deathcember

DEATHCEMBER (2019)
“Coming soon, the holiday horror anthology Deathcember will open 24 doors to Hell for ‘the ultimate advent horror anthology movie.’ The anthology will feature 24 shorts by 24 directors from around the globe, each one taking a look at the dark side of the festive season. In “A Christmas Miracle,” a grieving mother who suffered a stillbirth is spending Christmas alone, when she is visited by an apparition that promises to bring her child back to life — but at what cost?”

Cool — hope they do a poster for all the segments; I need new wallpaper. Deathcember is even more cool than you think — the film crew was/is made up of almost entirely women. Women can be just as scary as men. Just ask any divorced dude.

Game Sharks, Evil Warehouses, Dreadful Angels

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Sharks, Vampires, Werewolves, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 16, 2019 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Jaws

If you’re looking to do some pre-Christmas shopping done, there is no better gift to get me than the new Jaws board game by Ravensburger. And here’s the supremely cool part — one player gets to be the shark!

Jaws

Coming late June 2019, the Jaws board game will bite into your wallet for $30. Heck, I’d pay at least $35 for such a cool game. Here’s why…

Jaws

“Like Steven Spielberg’s classic film, Jaws the board game plays out in two major acts. The first part has the player controlling the shark terrorizing Amity Island by attacking swimmers, while up to three other opponents — playing as Quint, Brody, and Hooper — try to cooperatively figure out exactly where the shark is hiding in the surrounding murky depths. Once the shark is located, the game switches to a second act.”

While you fight over who gets to buy me the game, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/TV series that may or may not be as ridiculously cool as a cardboard shark

1st Summoning

1st SUMMONING (February 22, 2019)
“As four student filmmakers unearth a bizarre history of occult practice tied to an abandoned warehouse, it becomes clear the horror they set out to document may have been lurking among them all along.”

Of course abandoned warehouses are where evil lives — the rent is cheap.

Stray

STRAY (March 1, 2019)
“An orphaned teenager teams up with the detective investigating her mother’s murder. They soon discover a supernatural force threatening the city and realize the teen possesses hidden powers of her own which might be the key to stopping it.”

Potential spoiler: The supernatural force threatening everyone is…REPUBLICANS. Time for Democrats to tap into their hidden powers and veto them back to Hell.

Darlin'

DARLIN’ (2019)
Darlin’ picks up 10 years after the events of The Woman, when the titular character escaped with the then-young Darlin’ in tow. Now Darlin’ in is a Catholic home for girls while the Woman resides in an all-female homeless encampment.”

Didn’t see The Woman (2011), so I have no idea what they’re talking about. I looked it up and it was a sequel to Offspring (2009). Didn’t see that one, either. The internet says it was about cannibals. Sounds yummy.

Penny Dreadful: City of Angels

PENNY DREADFUL: CITY OF ANGELS (2020)
City of Angels will be set in 1938 Los Angeles, a time and place deeply infused with Mexican-American folklore and social tension. Rooted in the conflict between characters connected to the deity Santa Muerte and others allied with the Devil, Penny Dreadful: City of Angels will explore an exciting mix of the supernatural and the combustible reality of that period, creating new occult myths and moral dilemmas within a genuine historical backdrop.”

If this is even half as good as the Penny Dreadful TV series (2014 – 2016), which starred Count Dracula, Dr. Frankenstein and his science project, Dr. Jekyll, Dorian Gray, the Wolf-Man and a bunch of witches thrown in for flavor, then I plan on spending all my waking time binge watching it.

Creepy Reboot, Ghost Advice, $100 Dementia

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 7, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Creepshow

So a rebooting of 1982’s Creepshow series is coming to the paid subscription horror movie channel, Shudder™ in 2019. Because Hollywood rarely tries to come up with original horror movie ideas anymore, we can expect still more of horror’s legacy being tapped to keep the money faucets flowing.

Creepshow

As reboots generally suck bag (how many times do we have to keep re-painting the Mona Lisa?), Creepshow, thankfully, is being executive-produced by The Walking Dead’s Greg Nicotero, whose KNB EFX Group will design the show’s monster and makeup effects. That does not suck or blow.

Creepshow

A multi-episode series, for those not old enough to know where Creepshow came from, it was an homage to the horror comics of the ‘50s and later adapted to movie form. Horror patriarch Stephen King wrote several installments (and starred in one), and Night of the Living Dead’s George A. Romero directed. In keeping with the spirit of the original, each episode will tell original stories and directed by a different filmmaker. One kitchen, lots of cooks.

Creepshow

So while we wait to see the inside of our TV screens splattered with digital blood, guts and probably black stuff, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not suck bag…

Clara's Ghost

CLARA’S GHOST (December 6, 2018)
“Set over the course of a single evening in the Reynolds family home in suburban Connecticut, Clara Reynolds who, fed up with constant ribbing from her self-absorbed showbiz family, finds solace in and guidance from the supernatural force she believes is haunting her.”

Dementia II

That’s pretty funny — getting life coaching advice from a ghost. That’s like getting swimming lessons from Jaws or electrical wiring instructions from Dr. Frankenstein or trick-or-treating strategies from Michael Myers or… I could do this all day.

DEMENTIA PART II (2018)
Mercer — an ex-convict who has become a small-jobs repairman — ends up in a house with a frightening old woman with dementia. The nightmare escalates as the woman shoves $100 bills in Mercer’s pocket, stringing him along for the revolting ride.”

Revolting ride or not, if someone stuffs $100 bills in my pocket, I’d happily get in the nondescript van that’s no doubt loaded with candy.

The Umbrella Academy

THE UMBRELLA ACADEMY (February 15, 2019)
“This live-action series follows the estranged members of a dysfunctional family of superheroes (The Umbrella Academy) — Luther, Diego, Allison, Vanya, Klaus and Number Five — as they work together to solve their father Reginald Hardgraves’ mysterious death, while coming apart at the seams due to their divergent personalities and abilities.”

This one’s adapted from a graphic novel series. The graphic novel evolved from comic books. And comic books were the smart tablets of their day. They were solar-powered so you never had to worry about where to plug ‘em in.

Hellboy

HELLBOY (April 12, 2019)
Hellboy and his ragtag team of paranormal researchers squaring off against a medieval sorceress who seeks to destroy humankind.”

Already tagged this, but hey…new poster! That’s gotta count for something. Hopefully, it’ll be successful enough to have spin-offs, like HellMom or HellDude.

Digging Up Mummies

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 27, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Attack of the Aztec Mummy

First in an action-packed early model Mexican sci-fi horror trilogy, Attack of the Aztec Mummy (aka, La Momia Azteca/1957) pits the gauze god getting in a Texas ballet with the clearly mad scientist Dr. Krupp (he eats his lines like Jaws eats a human bologna sandwich).

Curse of the Aztec Mummy

The Mummy (whose pre-interred name is Popoca) then goes on to again chop unfinished beef with Krupp in Curse of the Aztec Mummy (aka, La Maldición de la Momia Azteca/1957). And yes, it was over a girl and some sort of ornamental chestware you’d might find in Dollar Tree stores. (They’re in the back.)

The Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy

Not able to just let it go, Popoca locks up with a mechanical adversary in The Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy (La Momia Azteca contra el Robot Humano/ 1958). Who’s he gonna pick a fight with next — Johnson & Johnson™ Band-Aids vs. The Aztec Mummy)? Maybe it has something to with the fact he’s been dead for so long, he bleeds dust and he didn’t sleep well the last few thousand nights.

Wrestling Women vs. The Aztec Mummy

Not related to this gripping tale of dead-and-yet-not antihero’s speechless tirades is Wrestling Women vs. The Aztec Mummy (aka, Las Luchadoras contra la Momia/1964), in which the Mumster takes on street gangs, more evil scientists and…GALS THAT GRAPPLE! Guess who won? And you better not say evil scientist.

Aztec Mummy

On an interesting or “interesante” P.S. note, all three Aztec Mummy movies were filmed back to back, probably so as to not let the mummy get all uptight and subsequently unwound. Heh. 

Shark Explosion

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Sharks, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 26, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Bad CGI Sharks

Finally, someone gets the joke about the exploding plethora of shark movies. Premiering on the SyFy Channel™ is a fin-in-cheek movie called Bad CGI Sharks (2018), with CGI standing for “computer-generated imagery” or “chewing gristle intently.” (Not sure which is correct.)

Bad CGI Sharks

Here’s the plot: “Two estranged brothers writing a script about a killer shark. That shark soon enters into their own reality.” This type of “write a story and it actually happens” plot device has been used numerous times, although it has yet to work for me. Still, the trailer is funny in the way, ironically, CGI sharks are tummy ticklers.

Jaws

This takes me back to the days of Jaws (1975), in which Bruce, the shark, was a mechanical device built to scale (no pun intended in that fish have scales —heh!), and used to historic effect, remaining arguably best shark movie of all time to this day. (An argument could be made for Mega Shark Versus Mecha Shark/2014.)

Jaws

So popular was/still is Jaws, a flood of toys/merch followed in its bloody wake and are highly collectible over four decades later. (You’ll never pry my fuzzy Jaws beach towel out of my cold, wet hands.)

Jaws

This got me thinking, which is kinda hard to do. I’ve covered as many shark movies as possible, but inevitably there are a few over the years that slipped through my journalistic trawling net. If you’re a fan of shark flicks of all levels of cheesiness, consider adding these to your chum bucket list…

Mississippi River Sharks

MISSISSIPPI RIVER SHARKS (2017)
Sharks attack a fish rodeo on the Mississippi River, and it is up to a group of locals to stop them.”

A fish rodeo. Makes total sense. But maybe the sharks were just after the area’s famous Mississippi Mud Pie. (Recipe: A crust of crushed chocolate cookies, topped with layers of dense, flourless chocolate cake and velvety chocolate pudding. Who wouldn’t attack that?)

Ozark Sharks

OZARK SHARKS (2016)
“A vacation to the Ozarks turns upside-down when bull sharks infiltrate Arkansas’s freshwater lakes and wreak havoc on a town’s big fireworks festival.”

Hillbilly sharks. Wonder if their swimsuits have suspenders on ’em? P.S. They used the same shark on the cover of Mississippi River Sharks. Busted.

Roboshark

ROBOSHARK (2015)
“What starts off as a typical day on the streets of Seattle soon becomes a terrifying bloodbath, when a great white shark devours an alien space probe…and ROBOSHARK is born. The U.S. military comes after it with guns blazing, but it’s the power of social media that puts an ambitious newscaster and her tech-savvy daughter ahead of everyone else in the race to stop the destruction.

I live in Seattle. A Roboshark that eats UFO droppings and put on their hipster hybrid pants are the least of this town’s problems — me being one of ‘em.

Raging Sharks

RAGING SHARKS (2005)
“An alien object falls from space into the Bermuda Triangle where it pumps up the resident sharks like a steroid.”

I though all sharks were/are raging. A weak concept when you have to combine aliens, sharks and the Bermuda Triangle. For a better pairing, I suggest, clams jubilee with a 40 ounce Chianti of Foster’s Lager™. Finish with a nice nap.

Since sharks have been used as everything from snow and sand, to ghosts and multi-headed mutants, there’s one shark-themed movie that’s never been made. Bets are on as to how long it’ll be before this one’s made…

Yellowstone National Shark

Vengeful Sharks

Posted in Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Sharks with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 29, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Jaws: The Revenge

After Jaws’ Ellen Brody lost her husband (Roy Scheider, aka Chief Brody — sheriff, father, exploder of Carcharodon carcharias) due to a heart attack brought on by a fear of sharks (seriously?), she loses one of her sons to another attitude-y shark.

Jaws: The Revenge

So she goes to the Bahamas with her last expendable offspring. You know what’s in the Bahamas? WATER. And you know what sharks use to get around? WATER.

Jaws: The RevengeThe same shark that scared her husband to death (stilling rolling eyes) and ate one of her sons has followed her to the popular vacation destination in Jaws: The Revenge (1987) to finish his meal. (And I thought King Kong Lives/1986 was a stretch.)

Jaws: The Revenge

Since the previous movie sharks were all blown up, one can logically assume this is a stunt shark, just in it for the money. It would’ve been better off caught in a Japanese trawling net. But call me an optimist — I’m still waiting for Jaws V. Still. 

Not The Stairway To Heaven

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Scream Queens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 31, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Doorway

The instructions to make The Doorway (2000) must’ve come off a box of Count Chocula™: Take four college kids, put ’em in a haunted house, have a doorway to Hell in the basement, and let unnatural nature take its course. 

The Doorway

Of course the ancient medallion keeping the doorway to Hell from swinging both ways is knocked off the sacred nail holding back epic evil, and a succubus (female demon that likes to get jiggy) roams from bedroom to bedroom, wreaking mattress havoc and sticking out her plastic green tongue.

The Doorway

The students try and solve the mystery of the skanky spook by hooking up with their ghost-hunting college professor, Roy Scheider. (Hey, this was the guy who kicked Jaws’ wet butt, so it was a strategic move.) The only thing missing is a dog named Scooby Doo. Rory doesn’t last long, though, getting his entire face ripped in half by the face-ripping face-ripper. Then everybody else falls prey to the smelly forces emanating from the basement. 

The Doorway

There’s a happy assortment of boobs and a lingering sex scene, which was pleasant on an R-rated sliding scale. The creatures that come a’knockin’, however, aren’t particularly scary, nor unique. In fact, the whole flick lamely rips off The Legend of Hell House (1973), The Amityville Horror (1979), Night of the Demons (1988),  and Hellraiser (1987), without batting an evil eye. 

The Doorway

The girls are cute (especially the short blonde chick), but the guys are dorks of chess club proportions. In the end, it all sucks. But the thing about doorways is that you can always go out the same way you came in.