Space Evil, Criminal Curse, Death Hotel

Movie sequels can be awesome (Aliens/1986) or awesomely bad (Wonder Woman 1984/2020). But Movies Go Fourth by author Mark Edlitz (paperback, released May 2023) puts the fourth installments in franchises on the plate, scrutinizing such debatable gems as Jaws: The Revenge (1987), Conquest for the Planet of the Apes (1972), Alien: Resurrection (1997) and Terminator: Salvation (2009). (What — no Fisting Firemen IV?)

Mind you, sequels are continuations of an over-milked story line, where as franchises act as an umbrella for everything in their multiverse. Examples: Marvel has 32 movies with overlapping superheroes stepping on each other’s capes. Batman has 17. Godzilla has 36. And Mickey Mouse has 130. That’s a lotta cheese.

From the book’s press release: “Movies Go Fourth is a celebration of the fourth movies in the most popular film franchises of all time. It offers behind-the-scenes stories of fourth films from such beloved series as Star Wars, Star Trek, and James Bond. It also explores infamous fourth films, including Jaws: The Revenge, Superman IV: The Quest for Peace, and Batman & Robin. This riveting book reveals the inside scoop on some of the biggest films in horror (Halloween, Nightmare on Elm Street), sci-fi (Highlander, Terminator, Planet of the Apes), action (James Bond, Die Hard, Rambo) and comedy (Police Academy, Home Alone). Author Mark Edlitz also examines notable unmade fourth films, such as Francis Ford Coppola’s The Godfather: Part IV and Sam Raimi’s Spider-Man 4.”

While Movies Go Fourth (buy it here) is a tantalizing idea, there are no pictures in the $24.99 paperback. That’s like having a Salisbury steak TV dinner without a side of tongue-scorching potato-esque mush and artificial butter topping. So while you ponder the metaphor, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not taste as oddly delicious as potato mush…

SPACE NECRONOMICON / Out now (Blu-ray, DVD)

“A girl controlled by a mysterious woman and caged between visions, vampires and morbid rituals. What happened in space? Why is she the chosen one?”

As sorta cool as this sounds, it’s an art film. This means too much thinking and not enough drinking. P.S. They stole the kicker line from Alien (1979). Sci-fi never forgets, b*tches!

THE GATES / June 27, 2023 (VOD/DVD)

“A serial killer has been sentenced to death by electric chair in London in the 1890s, but in his final hours, he puts a curse on the prison he is in, and all of those in it.”

I liked this better when it was called Shocker (1989).

OBSCURA / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A CIA special operations team out on demolition maneuvers collides with an outlaw biker gang. The groups are forced to fight for survival against a creature of unknown origins.”

Not sure how they’re gonna get outlaw bikers to fight. Heck, you can often hear them singing, “Born To Be Mild.”

STREAM / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“When Roy and Elaine Keenan realize their family is drifting apart, they decide that something needs to be done. Roy forces his work to take a back seat and they seize the opportunity to recreate a vacation from their past. A peaceful stay in a quaint hotel is just what they need, however that is not what is in store for them. With four deranged murderers patrolling the seemingly mundane halls, the odds are definitely not in the Keenan family’s favor. Roy must fight for his life and those of his family as their simple weekend getaway truly turns into a vacation to die for.”

If deranged murderers are patrolling the halls, this means the hotel is…my apartment building. Somewhat clean, but the rent is killer.

Puzzling Horror, Egg Aliens, Camera-Ready Zombies

The most puzzling thing about horror movies is how some of them got made. Then again, without punchbowl turds as Frankenstein Island (1981), Bride of Boogedy (1987), or the painfully watchable Urotsukidôji I: Legend of the Overfiend (1989), our lives would not be as fulfilled as promised by alcohol. But what if horror movies were turned into literal puzzles? Gird your bladder — you can now get horror movie puzzles that combines b-grade with brilliance, all for $25.99 (or less).

Created by Rachid Lotf, you can get a 28”x20” 1,000-piece House of Horrors puzzle, a spectacular and colorful collage of featuring Halloween, Jaws, The Thing, Texas Chainsaw Massacre and lots more. Or there’s the Horror Night Watch Party, also 1,000 pieces, featuring Pinhead, Freddy Krueger, Jason Voorhees, Chucky, Michael Myers and Leatherface, all watching horror movies on a TV as if having some sort of social gathering. And Rachid’s Horror VHS Cemetery puzzle is like a trip down a Blockbuster Video™ memory lane. P.S. there’s even a Blockbuster™ era video puzzle.

While you can buy all of ’em (and more) by clicking this, here are few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not seem like a puzzle missing a few pieces…

ALIEN INVASION / Out now (Amazon Prime Video™)

“A group of friends find a large strange egg that hatches. Unfortunately, the egg contains an intergalactic predator. Now they must stop it from reaching civilization.”

Eggs are a super food, so not seeing the problem here.

TIN & TINA / Out now (Netflix™)

“After a tragic abortion, Lola and her husband Adolfo adopt Tin and Tina, a seemingly angelic brother and sister with an ultra-Catholic education that makes them interpret the Holy Bible verbatim.”

Reading the Bible verbatim should scare the Holy crap outta everyone.

THE DEVIL’S STOMPING GROUND / JUNE 27, 2023 (VOD)

“On May 1, 2021, fifteen college film students traveled to the place in the Uwharrie Mountains of North Carolina, known as The Devil’s Tramping Ground, to shoot their senior short film project. What happened that night was a tragedy. The Devil’s Stomping Ground is a narrative feature, edited together from the footage the seniors were shooting for their movie and the behind-the-scenes documentary footage two juniors were shooting of their efforts. The film chronicles the day and subsequent night of their shoot. It is a cautionary tale about temptation, pushing your luck, and the inevitable consequences of being oblivious to your surroundings. Will they be ‘forever changed’ as the legend suggests?”

The tragedy is they turned this into a movie.

FINAL CUT / July 14, 2023 (VOD)

“Set against the backdrop of a B-movie shoot that is descending into disaster, the director who seems to be the only one invested with the necessary energy to keep the low-budget zombie film afloat. As he tries to gee up jaded technicians and uninterested actors, shooting is disturbed by the arrival of authentic undead.”

This is the French remake of Japanese zombie comedy, One Cut of the Dead. I have no idea why I know that.

Gigantic Empire, Behind The Nightmare, Board With Sharks

After much speculation and ballyhoo (sorry — word of the day calendar), the OFFICIAL title for the next Godzilla/Kong movie is…Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire. Not sure what the “x” stands for, though given their newfound BFF status at the end of Godzilla vs. Kong (2021), they should title the movie, Godzilla xoxo Kong: The New Empire.

The 30 second teaser trailer shows a sinewy Kong sitting on his throne, throwing out his infamous “frowning of a lifetime glare,” while the scene pulls back over a sea of kaiju bones, culminating in two mega gigantic skulls formerly belonging to a previous Godzilla and Kong. Or maybe they are the bone-y remains of the current Godzilla and Kong and the Kong sitting on the throne is a new one. Or maybe I should just shut up and wait for the movie to find out, which is targeted to Imax™ and non-Imax™ screens on March 15, 2024.

Regardless, pant-tingling news for Godzilla and Kong fans, of which I am one. More tingles: there’s also a Skull Island anime series coming to Netflix™ and a live-action Godzilla and the Titans series coming to Apple TV+™ with Kurt Russell. I need to go do a load of laundry right now.

So while we IMPATIENTLY wait for March 15, 2024, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/documentaries that may or may not make your pants tingle…

HELLO HORROR / Out now (Screambox™, Bloody Disgusting TV)

“Hello Horror, featuring Vanessa Decker, Ryan Valdez, and Jones Bones, is a genre variety show that covers the spooky community – everything from red carpets, museums, cocktails, events, games, plus more. Vanessa and her crew take the audience on adventures, shining a light on the amazing community the genre has generated.”

I would like to drink a cocktail while standing on a red carpet in a museum. Just as long as there’s a bathroom close by because, hey, cocktails.

HOLLYWOOD, DREAMS & NIGHTMARES: THE ROBERT ENGLUND STORY / June 6, 2023 (Screambox™)

“Featuring interviews with Robert Englund and his wife Nancy, as well as fellow genre icons Lin Shaye, Eli Roth, Kane Hodder, Tony Todd, Adam Green, Bill Moseley, Heather Langenkamp and more, the documentary follows Englund’s career from his early days in Buster and Billie and Stay Hungry (starring with Arnold Schwarzenegger) to his big break in the 1980s as Freddy Krueger, to his directorial debut with the 1988 horror film 976-EVIL to his iconic acting status in current roles such as Netflix’s™ hit series, Stranger Things. With each new film in the series, Englund’s status as an icon grew until he became one of the most recognizable names in horror. Grossing over $450M at the box office, the Nightmare franchise has shown itself to be one of the most prolific in horror history. Spawning, merchandise, a television series and a 2010 remake, Englund’s influence continues to ripple across the genre.”

I saw each of the nine Freddy Krueger movie seven times each. So I’m responsible for at least $50 million of his box office take. (Note to Sir Englund: I need a receipt for my taxes — I’m writing it off as gambling losses. 

THE HORROR OF DELORES ROACH / July 7, 2023 (Amazon™ Original Series) 

“The Horror of Dolores Roach is based on the hit Gimlet podcast. The eight-episode, half-hour series is a contemporary Sweeney Todd-inspired tale, a macabre urban legend of love, betrayal, weed, gentrification, cannibalism, and survival of the fittest.”

Delores Roach. I hear she…bugs…a lot of people. Comedy gold, right there.

OUIJA SHARK 2 / July 25, 2023 (VOD), August 15, 2023 (DVD, Blu-ray)

“When the Ouija Shark emerges from Hell to cause havoc once more on earth, a sorcerer with a history of fighting the ghostly great white must follow it into a multiverse hellscape for one final battle. But this time he is bringing along some friends to help send the shark into oblivion.”

Maybe the sorcerer can conjure Quint from the dead to assist. He deserves punitive justice after Jaws ate him in half back in the Seventies. That was so mean of Jaws to do that.

Unused Worms, Skulking Skinwalkers, Halloween Miscreants

Tremors is a movie about giant, sightless worm-y creatures called Graboids that live underground and can find and swallow you whole you when they sense you stomping around. (Hear that, lead-footed upstairs neighbor?) It came out in 1990 and spawned six sequels and a 13-episode TV series back in March of 2003. I watched all of them, because that’s what I do.

The poster art for the movie was an homage to Jaws (see below). But legendary master artist Drew Struzan worked up two concepts that were never used. Here are his mock ups — I added the typography from the original poster so you can see how it might’ve looked, with apologies to Sir Struzan for taking such audacious liberties with his art.

You’ve seen Struzan’s work for decades, but probably didn’t know it. He’s done tons of illustrations for movies (Back To The Future, Big Trouble In Little China, Hellboy, E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial, The Thing, The Goonies, Indiana Jones, the Harry Potter franchise, and more), as well as art for U.S. stamps, The Legends of Hollywood and Alice Cooper’s Welcome To My Nightmare (1975) cover art. So yeah, at the very least he should be given sainthood.

So while we all walk a little more softly so we don’t get consumed by those stinkified Graboid monsters, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not belong underground surrounded by giant worms…

FOREST OF DEATH / Out now (VOD)

“As friends settle down in their remote cabin for a relaxing weekend, a skinwalker prowls outside, waiting to strike. The friends quickly realize that their carefree getaway has turned into a nightmare. As the night wears on, they must face the horror stalking them and fight for their lives.”

A skinwalker is a harm-intending shapeshifter that can turn itself into an animal and walk (and sometimes dance) on all fours. This can easily be achieved by drinking a case of Steel Reserve™. 

WICKED GAMES / April 18, 2023 (VOD, DVD)

“When Harley joins her boyfriend for a Halloween weekend at his family’s estate, they’re invaded by a band of masked freaks and forced into playing a game. But the intruders don’t know that Harley is ready to fight back with her own tricks.”

Lots of people wear masks on Halloween. That’s no reason to call them freaks, you insensitive b-holes.

THE LAST BOY ON EARTH / Release pending 2023/2024

“In a distant future, an enigmatic boy becomes the central figure in the search for a new hope. Who is this kid? Why is everyone looking for it? Sometimes it is better not to know certain answers.”

There are kids in the future? Crap.

INNER CHILD / Release pending 2023/2024 (VOD)

“College freshman Cassie deals with the aftermath of cutting ties with her toxic family. Cassie has been battling with a lot of self-doubts with her choices; however, it is this same reoccurring nightmare every morning that keeps her on edge. When this particular nightmare becomes too real, taking over her physically, she reaches out to her therapist, Dr. Reid. Cassie hopes to find some answers and put an end to her night terrors.”

My reoccurring nightmare every morning is having to get up.

Monsters Au Naturel, Bigfoot Pursuit, Alien Party Crashers

Paul Garner is an artist living in Brighton, United Kingdom. That pretty dang far from where I’m lallygagging. But thanks to this thing called the “Internet” (you may have heard of it), now you can view his incredible horror movie icon illustrations…and buy ’em. (Full disclosure: I recently purchased some of Garner’s art and am currently gawking at it on the wall right next to where I’m lallygagging.)

Paul’s latest series is Nudie Monsters, recasting The Mummy, Wolf-Man, The Fly and Bride of Frankenstein in eye-poppingly colorful “pin-ups”. Don’t worry — they’re PG-rated, which means you don’t have to hide ‘em under your bed. These silk board prints sell in sets of three for 25£ ($31.40 US) and measure 11.75”x16.5”. Get ’em on his Etsy shop page here. Better yet, marvel at Paul’s extraordinary illustrating skills on his website: www.paulgarnerart.com

As confessed in a court of public opinion above, I purchased the Jaws poster and just sent in an order for The Shining print. If none of these examples are to your liking (critic), you can get caricatures of Creature of the Black Lagoon, Nosferatu, Night of the Living Dead and even Ozzy Osbourne, who’s kind of a monster himself.

While you take down your Vincent van Gogh and Pablo Picasso black light posters to make room for Paul’s peerless artings, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be made better by having nude monsters in ’em…

NIGHT OF THE AXE / Out now (VOD)

“A group of young adults enjoying a high school reunion party are terrorized by an escaped mental patient obsessed with satisfying his blood lust. One by one they are made victims of the sadistic killer. Who will survive the Night of the Axe?”

Not only does it SOUND like a slasher plot straight out of late ’70s/early’80s, it IS a slasher plot straight of late ’70s/early’80s. Time spent coming up with the script? 70 or 80 seconds.

ON THE TRAIL OF BIGFOOT: LAST FRONTIER / January 17, 2023 (VOD)

“Small Town Monsters heads to the frozen vistas of the 49th state with On the Trail of Bigfoot: Last Frontier. The first 2023 Small Town Monsters docudrama features in-depth interviews with locals and a heavy focus on the Indigenous people who first called the land home. Focusing on evidence and encounters with the legendary Sasquatch, On the Trail of Bigfoot: Last Frontier aims to give audiences the most cohesive look at Alaskan Sasquatch lore.”

YET ANOTHER documentary cashing in on Bigfoot’s good name. B’foot really needs to put his big foot down on people not legally licensing his image and/or footwear.

KIDS VS. ALIENS / January 20, 2023 (Digital/VOD)

“All Gary wants is to make awesome home movies with his best buds. All his older sister Samantha wants is to hang with the cool kids. When their parents head out of town one Halloween weekend, an all-time rager of a teen house party turns to terror when aliens attack, forcing the siblings to band together to survive the night.”

A better solution: we should send ALL our teenagers to the alien’s planet to crash their ragers. 

YULETIDE HORROR / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Directed by Ethan Evans and produced by Jess Bartlett and Kieran Nolan Jones, Yuletide Horror is a feature-length documentary exploring the terrifying history of Christmas horror folklore and cinema, from Black Christmas, Gremlins, Silent Night, Deadly Night and beyond.”

And the soundtrack could be (wait for it)…wrap music.

Literary Shark, Throbbing Tombstones, Cheese Rebel

Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the library…

For fans of Jaws (not that steely-toothed James Bond criminal villain of the same name in The Spy Who Loved Me/1977, Moonraker/1979), now comes the ultimate illustrated edition of author Peter Benchley’s massively popular book, which has sold over 20 million copies. I’m no math guy, but that appears to be a lot.

From The Folio Society’s website: “Jaws is one of the greatest cult thrillers of all time, seething with sexual tension, political corruption and macabre affairs. The novel is deeper and darker than Steven Spielberg’s seminal 1975 film, while the magnificent shark scenes are some of the most terrifying prose sequences in modern fiction. If ever a novel was begging to be illustrated, this is it.”

“Korean artist Hokyoung Kim brings her unique cinematic style to this spectacular edition, including a chilling binding portrait of the Great White shark that terrorizes the community of Amity. Although fear is at the heart of the novel, the fragility of marine life also courses through the narrative, and this theme is explored by Wendy Benchley in her newly commissioned introduction.” Clearly, a lot to chew on.

And because you were eventually gonna ask, here are the specs: 320 pages, 6¼ x 9˝, bound in printed, blocked, and soft-touch laminated paper, Set in Cardo with Clearface Gothic as display, black & white integrated title-page spread plus 7 color illustrations, blocked slipcase. And at $60, it won’t take a bite out of your wallet (heh). I bought the audio book version, but all it had was screaming.

While you sharpen your reading skills, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not need a shark in ’em… 

CEMETERY STORIES / Out now (VOD)

On Halloween a couple, both of which are clairvoyants, drive to a cemetery. They go for fun to pick up vibrations from the tombstones of the deceased. As they pick up vibrations they have visions of how the person died. Each vibration and vision seems to get darker and darker. In the midst of all of this, they are being stalked by a dark shadowy figure. What starts out as some Halloween fun quickly turns to terror.”

Wouldn’t it be funny if the vibrations were coming from a battery-powered personal comfort device? I sure think so.

MAD HEIDI / December 8, 2022 (VOD)

Heidi as she’s never been seen before — a badass, kick-ass rebel with the brute strength to slice an opponent in two with a battle axe. In a dystopian Switzerland that has fallen under the fascist rule of a cheese magnate, Heidi lives as a simple young woman in the mountains. Her grandfather does his best to protect her from the bad influences of the world, but soon her longing for personal freedom will spark a revolution. The naive mountain girl turns into a fierce fighter who has to put an end to the cheese fascists.”

Wonder if there’ll be singing and dancing to go along with all the die kill bleed…and cheese?

NIGHT OF THE SCARINESS / December 9, 2022 (VOD)

“Guaranteed to make you scream and cry and piss your pants and vomit yourself.”

Would this be during or after a night at the Tug Tavern?

NIGHT OF THE BASTARD / January 13, 2023 (VOD)

“Disgruntled hermit Reed lives a solitary life in the desert. After chasing away a group of youths trying to party near his home, Reed’s peaceful life is violently upheaved when a group of savage cultists lay siege to his house. Forced to partner up with one of the party-goers, Reed and his newfound colleague must defend themselves into the night, all while long-buried and disturbing secrets are revealed to him as part of the cult’s evil plan.”

Partying youths…savage cultists…violent upheaval. Sounds like my neighbors.

Supernatural Beer, Carnival Chaos, Zombies vs. Teens

There’s a House of Mystery comic. There’s a House of Secrets comic. But did you know there’s a House of Mysterious Secrets website, that not only sells comics, but a plethora of horror-themed memorabilia, from shirts, lunch boxes and pot holders, to bottle openers, paint sets and air fresheners? Hell yep, there is.

Mind you, this is only a paragraphed summation. When you go to houseofmysterioussecrets.com website, you’ll find a veritable Wonderland of everyday items emboldened with everything from A Nightmare on Elm Street, Godzilla, Hellraiser, Universal Monsters, Elvira, Jaws, Evil Dead, Halloween and Chucky. And even that’s just scratching the itchy surface. 

On the gift list for MYSELF is An American Werewolf in London lunch box (packed with shredded British bologna sandwiches), a Teen Wolf action figure (kinda like looking at myself), the Beetlejuice Sandworm Metal Bottle Opener (to crack a bottle of Budweiser™ Juice with it), a Nosferatu Commerative Medallion Coin (to trade for more Budweiser™ Juice), a Frankenhooker wall tapestry (made of Spank Bank material), and a Return of the Living Dead air freshener, because, hey, flesh isn’t very pleasant to sniff, let along snack on.

While you spend ALL your holiday cash on all the above, here’s a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as cool as a Jaws vaccine card holder…

THE BLACKLIGHT / Out now (VOD)

“Despite trying to leave behind a life of crime, Danny reluctantly teams with naïve rich kid Liam and wildcard drug dealer Kit Viper for a robbery that leaves them in possession of a mysterious supernatural artifact with immense power.”

A supernatural artifact with immense power. Sounds like they stole a 40 oz. bottle of Steel Reserve™.

THE CHAMBER OF TERROR / December 1, 2022 (VOD)

“Nash Caruthers is on a deadly collision course with the people that tore his world apart…along with something unexpected. Something far more sinister.”

The “Chamber of Terror” in this movie is a dilapidated carnival attraction. So where do I buy a ticket to ride it? Better yet, I’ll just get a Dizzy Pass™ and make fun happen.

NIGHT OF THE COMET / December 1, 2022 (Shudder™)

A huge comet passes near the Earth, nearly vaporizing the whole planet. Only a few teenagers, who were inside a steel movie projection booth, survive — all those outside were turned to dust. But a few partially exposed people are now hideous bloodthirsty zombies — and they begin a deadly hunt for the last remaining humans.”

Only teenagers survive. I feel sorry for the zombies.

FEAR / January 27, 2023 (Theaters)

“A group of friends gather for a much-needed weekend getaway at a remote and historic hotel. Celebration turns into terror as one by one, each guest faces their own worst fear.”

The guests at a fancy pants hotel faces their worst fears. What could that be — no room service? No minibar in their executive suite? No mint on their Pacific Coast Hotel TRIA Down & Feather Pillows™? Life must be a living Hell for them.

Chews From These Shark Movies

You can make ‘em fly, put ‘em into space, turn ‘em into ghosts and robots, possess ‘em with the Devil and make ‘em swim on littered streets. But at the end of the day, sharks are gonna do what Jesus put ‘em here to do: chew and swallow people. That’s what we pay ‘em to do and that’s why there are one hundred billion shark movies with the same eating problems. You’d think that would get old, but it just doesn’t.

Sure, there are other things that eat people: zombies that don’t brush or floss, fine-dining cannibals, extra-extra-extra large snakes, murder bears… But there’s something about the remorseless, bottomless stomach shark that resonates on a level that supersedes even that of the all-you-can-eat Royal Fork Buffet™.

That said, there are a ton of shark horror movies that suck. We’ve seen all of them. Here, then, is a snack platter of shark movies that still suck, albeit slightly less…

HORROR SHARK (2020)

Horror Shark has as many different titles as he has teeth: Blood Bite, Blood Shark, Xus Sha… (it’s a Chinese movie, so be prepared to read it.) Genetically-altered sharks, conspiracies, scuba divers not paying attention. You know the drill.

ALIEN SHARK (2022)

A meteor carrying an extraterrestrial shark crashes to Earth and the beast heads to the beach for some out-of-this-world see food. It’s as believable as it sounds.

SKY SHARKS (2020)

Nazis, hiding in the Land of Ice and Snow (Antarctic), have been experimenting on sharks instead of penguins, modifying them to be able to fly. And the Nazis, trying YET AGAIN to conquer the world, ride ‘em like winged rodeo sharks and attack commercial airliners. It’s as believable as it sounds.

ATOMIC SHARK (2016)

Mutated by radiation leaking like a blown bladder out of a sunken Russian submarine, these atomic sharks (more than one) are jock itch red and covered in jock itch pus pustules. This compliments their char-broiled fins and irradiated blemishes. The rest of the plot does not matter.

NOAH’S SHARK (2021)

A televangelist (religious grifter) and a team of people holding cameras head out to find the mythical Noah’s Ark (i.e., barnyard barge). But biblical prophecies hit the fan when they discover the divine dinghy is guarded by a prehistoric shark and an ancient curse. Well played, God.

OUIJA SHARK (2020)

Teenage girls use a Ouija board to summon the spirit of a teen-eating shark. While most of us would’ve use the board to order Uber-Eats™, someone/something still gets to strap on the feedbag.

SHARK ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND (2020)

The plan to use sharks to fulfill their invasion strategy, super mean aliens find out too late that sharks also have a taste for imported cuisine. 

SHARK EXORCIST (2015)

A nun, fed up with her prayers never being answered, switches political parties and goes full on demonic. She uses her newfound affiliation with the Devil to possess a great white shark. It doesn’t take long for the collection plate to turn into a dinner plate.

SHARK HUNTRESS (2021)

An environmentalist goes underwater to battle sea garbage and a garbage-eating shark. Guess what — everything is yummy garbage to a shark…including you.

SHARK SIDE OF THE MOON (2022)

Gotta hand it to the Russians — not only did they succeed in creating indestructible sharks, they sent ‘em to the moon to deal with those pesky flag-planting, rock-collecting American astronauts.

SHARKULA (2022)

Vampire sharks prey on a tourist community as though it were a tomato soup vending machine. There was a Sharkula movie that came out in 2013 with almost the exact same plot. That one didn’t go very far. Neither will this one. 

VIRUS SHARK (2021)

A shark-bite spreads the SHVID-1 virus. (It probably got it by having unprotected mating with a Sperm Whale.) Unbitten/unvaccinated scientists work feverishly around the test tube to find a cure. Do they succeed? Does it matter?

P.S. I went the whole blog post without once mentioning Jaws and… Crap — just did. Dang it.

Photographic Jaws, Mixtape Monsters, Gator Aid

No question the poster for Jaws (1975) is one of the most iconic pieces of movie art of all time. Illustrated by Roger Kastel, the art has been turned into everything from book covers and board games, to countless parodies and baby blankets. And thanks to British filmmaker/cage diver Euan Rannachan, we now get to see the Jaws poster come to life, featuring his uncanny photo of a real shark swimming Jaws-style towards some soon-to-be happy meal.

As first reported by the Daily Mail, Euan took the one-in-a-million pic off the coast of Mexico. Here’s what he had to say about that: “The shark in my image is a female and her name is Squirrel. We’d been with her for a while. We have these people on the boat called shark wranglers and they throw these two-foot chunks of tuna to get the shark close to the surface,” Rannachan told the site, explaining how he got the perfect photograph of the seventeen-foot shark. A guy named Crazy Luis stood up on the boat to bring the shark to us as we sat on the surface in the shark cage.”

Crazy Luis seems like someone you’d want to fiesta with. And while we spitball alternative names for a shark other than Squirrel (?!?), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be improved by adding two-foot chunks of tuna to ’em…

STARFISH (May 28, 2019)
When a mysterious signal from an unknown dimension summons the end of days, it appears as if only Aubrey is left on earth. Trapped in the apartment of her recently deceased best friend, the only clue she has is a single cassette left behind after her friend’s death, labeled: “THIS MIXTAPE WILL SAVE THE WORLD.” Thrust into a mystery orchestrated by her friend and stricken with grief, Aubrey begins to piece the clues together, uncovering a series of tapes all with pieces of the mystery signal. Along the way, progress is impeded when monstrous creatures begin to overrun the world and enclose in on her. Aubrey is forced to fight off the encroaching creatures and move beyond her own crippling grief in order to find the remaining tapes. But will completing The Signal save the world?”

Wonder if the mixtape has R.E.M.’s “It’s the End of The World” on it? That’d be pretty funny if it did. So Aubrey is the last gal standing, facing off against giant monsters. As apocalyptic scenarios go, that’s not too shabby, even if it does “borrow” from The Last Man On Earth (1964), The Omega Man (1971) and I Am Legend (2007). Lesser so with The Last Woman on Earth (1960), which had two dudes fighting over her and all the shoe stores in the world open 24 hours a day.

HALLOWED GROUND (June 11, 2019)
“A married couple, trying to rebuild their relationship after an affair, travels to a secluded cabin and stumbles into a blood feud between the Native American owners of the property and the neighboring clan, who obsessively guard their land and punish those who trespass on it in terrifying ways.”

About time Native Americans gave the business end of the tomahawk to those Republicans. I bet one of the terrifying ways to punish them would be to put ‘em in a teepee to reflect on their shameful behavior. Probably wouldn’t be able to make sit in a corner because, hey, teepees are round, man. I totally looked it up.

CRAWL (July 12, 2019)
“When a massive hurricane hits her Florida hometown, Haley ignores evacuation orders to search for her missing father. Finding him gravely injured in the crawl space of their family home, the two become trapped by quickly encroaching floodwaters. As time runs out to escape the strengthening storm, Haley and her father discover that the rising water level is the least of their fears.”

Even though it takes the premise of Bait 3D (2012), it’s no spoiler that crocodiles and/or alligators end up in flooded houses and/or condos. The trailer for this one is insane cool, with many hungry reptiles showing up for this buffet, which has a lot of screaming deals. Heh.

DEATHCEMBER (2019)
“Coming soon, the holiday horror anthology Deathcember will open 24 doors to Hell for ‘the ultimate advent horror anthology movie.’ The anthology will feature 24 shorts by 24 directors from around the globe, each one taking a look at the dark side of the festive season. In “A Christmas Miracle,” a grieving mother who suffered a stillbirth is spending Christmas alone, when she is visited by an apparition that promises to bring her child back to life — but at what cost?”

Cool — hope they do a poster for all the segments; I need new wallpaper. Deathcember is even more cool than you think — the film crew was/is made up of almost entirely women. Women can be just as scary as men. Just ask any divorced dude.

Game Sharks, Evil Warehouses, Dreadful Angels

If you’re looking to do some pre-Christmas shopping done, there is no better gift to get me than the new Jaws board game by Ravensburger. And here’s the supremely cool part — one player gets to be the shark!

Coming late June 2019, the Jaws board game will bite into your wallet for $30. Heck, I’d pay at least $35 for such a cool game. Here’s why…

“Like Steven Spielberg’s classic film, Jaws the board game plays out in two major acts. The first part has the player controlling the shark terrorizing Amity Island by attacking swimmers, while up to three other opponents — playing as Quint, Brody, and Hooper — try to cooperatively figure out exactly where the shark is hiding in the surrounding murky depths. Once the shark is located, the game switches to a second act.”

While you fight over who gets to buy me the game, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/TV series that may or may not be as ridiculously cool as a cardboard shark…

1st SUMMONING (February 22, 2019)
“As four student filmmakers unearth a bizarre history of occult practice tied to an abandoned warehouse, it becomes clear the horror they set out to document may have been lurking among them all along.”

Of course abandoned warehouses are where evil lives — the rent is cheap.

STRAY (March 1, 2019)
“An orphaned teenager teams up with the detective investigating her mother’s murder. They soon discover a supernatural force threatening the city and realize the teen possesses hidden powers of her own which might be the key to stopping it.”

Potential spoiler: The supernatural force threatening everyone is…REPUBLICANS. Time for Democrats to tap into their hidden powers and veto them back to Hell.

DARLIN’ (2019)
“Darlin’ picks up 10 years after the events of The Woman, when the titular character escaped with the then-young Darlin’ in tow. Now Darlin’ in is a Catholic home for girls while the Woman resides in an all-female homeless encampment.”

Didn’t see The Woman (2011), so I have no idea what they’re talking about. I looked it up and it was a sequel to Offspring (2009). Didn’t see that one, either. The internet says it was about cannibals. Sounds yummy.

PENNY DREADFUL: CITY OF ANGELS (2020)
“City of Angels will be set in 1938 Los Angeles, a time and place deeply infused with Mexican-American folklore and social tension. Rooted in the conflict between characters connected to the deity Santa Muerte and others allied with the Devil, Penny Dreadful: City of Angels will explore an exciting mix of the supernatural and the combustible reality of that period, creating new occult myths and moral dilemmas within a genuine historical backdrop.”

If this is even half as good as the Penny Dreadful TV series (2014 – 2016), which starred Count Dracula, Dr. Frankenstein and his science project, Dr. Jekyll, Dorian Gray, the Wolf-Man and a bunch of witches thrown in for flavor, then I plan on spending all my waking time binge watching it.