Archive for May, 2018

Horror Kids, Old UFOs, Fighting The Devil

Posted in Aliens, Asian Sci-Fi, Classic Horror, Evil, Science Fiction, Slashers, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 21, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Horrorible Kids

If you’re a fan of the Garbage Pail Kids cards, check out Horrorible Kids, a line of illustrated horror movie icon trading cards/stickers from Magic Marker Art. These things are so cool, you could give ‘em out as wedding gifts or just carry one or more in your wallet to replace that mug shot that is your driver’s license photo.Horrorible Kids

From the press release: “Now up for pre-order through Pingitore’s Magic Marker Art, you can grab single packs, 5-packs and 24-pack boxes, as well as a ‘Horrorible Kids’ retro collector album!”

Horrorible Kids

At $4 for a single pack and $65 for an entire box, you pretty much have no excuse not to rummage through your mom’s purse to get the credit card coinage needed to purchase these must-have cards. Mom won’t mind, especially if you give her a pack or two for Mother’s Day and/or Christmas.Horrorible Kids

Horrorible Kids cards are due to arrive July 2018, so plan on skipping rent in June. And while you’re clicking HERE to pre-order, here are a few now available/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/documentaries that may or may not make good Mother’s Day/Christmas gifts…

Roswell: 70 Years Later

ROSWELL 70 YEARS LATER (available now)
“70 years after the supposed UFO crash in Roswell, NM experts shed light on what may have happened that night in 1947.”

Not “may have happened,” it’s what DID happen. All the extraterrestrials I’ve hung out with insist one ‘em had a little too much moon juice at the Little A’Le’Inn, tried driving home drunk and crashed its saucer. The insurance company covered it up and the rest is folklore history.

Bleeding Steel

BLEEDING STEEL (July 6, 2018)
Lin is a police inspector in modern Hong Kong. While tracking down a deranged, mecha-enhanced villain, Lin discovers that a geneticist’s lost bio-chemical invention has been surgically implanted into his missing daughter. With the help of a young hacker, Lin connects the dots between the device that haunts his daughter, his enemy’s sinister army, and a strange cultural phenomenon called Bleeding Steel.”

Bleeding Steel sounds cool as a movie title, but better as a heavy metal band name. Metal bands are mecha-enhanced and drink blood, so it all fits together like some sort of album.

Gags

GAGS (2018)
“It’s been eight days since the clown first showed up in Green Bay, WI. Now, over the course of one night, four different groups of people cross paths with the clown everyone calls ‘Gags’ and his true intentions are finally revealed.”

Never understood the whole “silent scary clown on the roadside/neighborhood” craze that went on a few years ago. Seemed kinda dumb considering it was overkill — bars are still loaded with enough clowns as it is.

Luciferina

LUCIFERINA (2018)
“Nineteen-year-old nun-in-training Natalia reluctantly returns home to say goodbye to her dying father. However, when she meets up with her sister and her friends, they all decide to travel into the jungle in search of mystical plant. But what they find instead is a world of black masses, strange pregnancies, violent deaths, as well as a climactic, shocking clash with the Devil himself that will leave you speechless.”

I’ve met the Devil. She’s not such a bad guy.

Horror That Gives You Wood

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Misc. Horror with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on May 20, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Dead Silence

When a ventriloquist dummy is sent to a newly-wed couple’s apartment with no return address on the package, they think its a cool, though unusual wedding gift. But when the husband returns home from the store to find his wife sitting up in bed with a huge hole in her face and her tongue ripped out, he gets all sad. (No big loss — she wasn’t that good looking.)

Dead Silence

The cops think he did it but can’t prove it just yet. So the sad guy traces the dummy’s origins back to his haunted home town to get to the bottom of the brutal face-holing. His estranged rich dad still lives there in a dark mansion and is confined to a wheelchair and oxygen tank due to a recent stroke. But he has a young supermodel for a wife who married him for his charming personality and not his vast amounts of cash.

Dead SilenceThe town, though, has lived under the never-ending curse of Mary Shaw, a theatre-caliber ventriloquist who was murdered and her tongue cut out because they thought she murdered one of the sad guy’s great uncles 50 some odd years ago. As the legend goes, she had a lot of dolls and something about not screaming if you see her…I forget.Dead Silence

Anyway, the journey for the truth takes the guy to the old theatre where Mary Shaw used to perform. This place looks like Dracula’s grandma lives there. The cop, though, has followed the guy to the small town and is there to arrest him for taking case evidence (the creepy ventriloquist dummy) and burying it in the cemetery. That it keeps coming back is just one of its special abilities. The other one is when he poops his pants, sawdust comes out. (Not really, but that would be really funny.)

Dead Silence

This is all where the story, created by the same guys who did the brilliant Saw movies, gets downright wicked. The two men discover 99 dummies encased in glass. This almost matches up with the 100 missing bodies in the cemetery. The ghost of Mary Shaw is present and what she does to/with the dummies is awesomely gross. You’d think the big face-off (no pun intended) with Shaw would be the end of the movie. But you’d have to be punished harshly for even thinking such a wrong thought as Dead Silence (2007) takes a wonderfully sick turn.

Dead Silence

If you’re gooned out by demonic ventriloquist props, rotted old ladies that are capable of painting entire towns with evil (looks like red, but is redder) don’t be a dummy and watch this movie, you big wooden wuss.

Satanic Honor Student

Posted in Asian Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, TV Vixens with tags , , , , on May 19, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Devil's Offspring

Devils Offspring (1999), or Gwai pin Wong ji joi yin hung bong, is a plodding, cliché-ridden Cantonese horror movie that enrolls Satan’s daughter in a private school dormitory for the summer with four other teens and a hot teacher.

Devil's Offspring

Connie (devil daughter) is gorgeous, but doesn’t do much other than compel those around her to commit suicide. Heck, she doesn’t even make spooky faces or stick out her black tongue. She did, however, poke one girl in the eye with a stick and then cut her head off, so that must’ve made her father proud.

Devil's Offspring

Connie’s arrival was prefaced by the refrigerator death of the school cook’s four year-old granddaughter. Later, the dead girl’s puppy, was made into gamey soup and fed to the students. (They should’ve served hot dogs instead. Heh.) One student, seemingly possessed by an unnatural force, walks into the bay and forgets to hold her breath. She later comes back with all of her non-waterproof ghost friends and sucks another classmate into the surf.

Devil's Offspring

Most of the movie has everyone running up and down the hallways under pale fluorescent lighting, designed to make you think something evil is about to go down. The “shock” moments are saved for the last 10 minutes, with headless basketball players shambling toward the living. Yep, so scary I made rice noodles in my pants.

Devil's Offspring

The sub-titled dialogue is amusing and does nothing to give any insight as to why the Devil’s daughter is there, why her name is Connie instead of Hellena, or why she doesn’t eat anyone’s brains. In fact, her hair doesn’t even get messed up. Seems to me if you come from Hades, then you at least need to look the part. Hardly convincing when you don’t even have glowing eyes or poop breath. 

And the teens she goes after have the dumbest names: Nokia, Clown, 123 (yes, they named somebody with numbers), so right there you know this class needs to be permanently dismissed. The hardest part about watching Devils Offspring, though, is staying awake.

Kill Count, Real Bigfoot, Undead Wives

Posted in Bigfoot, Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 17, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Death Count: All of the Deaths in the Friday the 13th Film Series

If you’re like me and prefer TV over reading, then you missed Death Count: All of the Deaths in the Friday the 13th Film Series illustrated book, which came out October 20, 2017 from Two Things Press. But fear not — now you can get it for $9.99 on Kindle™, which is kinda like a TV version of a book.

Death Count: All of the Deaths in the Friday the 13th Film Series

At 124 e-pages, author Stacie Ponder goes into groovy gruesome visuals/stats on all who fell before Jason Voorhees’ pretty hate machine. And just how many tasted the pain? You wouldn’t have a reason to watch the book if I told you. But here’s the press release to convince you to wallet up: “With humor, love, and a lot of cartoon violence, Death Count celebrates the victims, survivors, killers, and other random characters encountered in the long-running Friday the 13th film series.”

Friday the 13th Kill Chart

You might recall a similar concept done in poster form back in 2011 by Andrew Barr of Canada’s National Post and illustrated by Mike Faille. But Sir Voorhees has since added to the terror tally, so Death Count might be the way to fulfill your splatter-y needs.

While I get over my aversion to books (oddly, posters don’t bother me), here are a few now available and upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/documentaries that may or may not make you download in your pants…

Bigfoot Encounters

BIGFOOT ENCOUNTERS (available now)
“Many believe Bigfoot does not exist. But for those who have seen the creature face to face, there is no question.”

Never been a question for me as to Bigfoot’s existence. I see him face to face every day in the bathroom mirror when I thoroughly brush my teeth. (Bigfoot could use a Rudy’s Barbershop™ shave and a trim. Just sayin’.)

Avengers Grimm: Time Wars

AVENGERS GRIMM: TIME WARS (available now)
“Unhappy being ruler of the Underworld, Rumpelstiltskin frees himself and plans to take over Earth. As the Avengers Grimm fight to stop him, they discover it’s not where he is hiding, but when, forcing our heroes to fight through the ages.”

This one has legendary kick-pants ladies, like Red Riding Hood (the color matches her season), Sleeping Beauty (I hear she snores like someone raking gravel), Snow White (she likes chili — heh!), and Alice of Wonderland fame. (Go asker her when she’s 10-feet tall. Tell me you got that hippie music reference.) So there’s four reasons to watch the movie, even though it rides the cape of that other group of Avengers. You know, the ones who hold iron-gripped dominion over the box office.

Between Worlds

BETWEEN WORLDS (2018)
“Joe, a down-on-his-luck truck driver, is haunted by the memory of his deceased wife and child. He meets Julie, a spiritually gifted woman who enlists Joe in a desperate effort to find the lost soul of her comatose daughter, Billie. But the spirit of Joe’s dead wife Mary proves stronger, possessing the young woman’s body and determined to settle her unfinished business with the living.”

No wonder Joe’s down on his luck— his wife comes back from the dead to nag him to death.

Automata

AUTOMATA (pending crowdfunding)
“Antique expert Brendan Cole is sent to authenticate a 300 year-old clockwork doll with a notorious history, known as ‘The Infernal Princess.’ In the remote Scottish mansion where it has been discovered, Brendan soon finds himself the victim of the automaton’s legendary curse.”

Aha! So that’s who Annabelle’s grandma is!

No Innards in Outer Space

Posted in Aliens, Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Foreign Horror, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 16, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Gore From Outer Space

Gore From Outer Space (20010) is one of the most misleading titles since Debbie Does Dallas (1978). There is no gore. There is no outer space. There is no excuse.

Gore From Outer Space

The sequel to Crazy Lips (2000), Gore (aka, Chi wo sû uchû ) picks up where Lips left off, with the gorgeous Satomi headed for the gas chamber for lighting her daughter on fire. She thought it was a walking/talking doll. She tells the police her daughter’s been kidnapped. Well, crap-o-rama — she doesn’t have a daughter. That doesn’t stop Satomi from frantically looking for her, though.

Gore From Outer Space

She finds a house with no bathroom or kitchen, but there are drawings that a little girl made. Then, an older guy looking to be elected into political office, has forcible sex with her and gets her knocked up. This pundit is actually an alien, so that when the baby is extracted, it’ll be a human/alien “mixed blood.” The movie makes about as much sense as this blog.

Gore From Outer Space

No scenes of graphic behavior anywhere, nor is there any blood to speak of. When Satomi breaks out of the gas chamber (that was easy), she lets all the other death row inmates out, where they get into a huge kung fu fight with the police. How this factors in to the plot is beyond the limits of my limited comprehension.

Gore From Outer Space

The ONLY reason I kept watching is there was a glimmer of hope Satomi would do something gore gnarly. Regrettably, she does not. Normally, I’m suckered by cool DVD covers. This time I was sandbagged by the title. And Satomi singing a love ballad while being led off to be gassed didn’t ease my pain in the slightest.

Mystery Godzilla, Occult Virgins, Pet Dinosaurs

Posted in Aliens, Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, UFOs, Witches, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 15, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Funko Godzilla

Funko, fast becoming my favorite pop icon toy company, just released a Godzilla “mystery” box. Also called “mystery minis”, you get to see two Godzilla toy figures — regular and flaming (as in “on fire”), and one that’s not visible. Kinda neat. It’s like opening a peanut shell and wondering if you’ll get one of those allergy-triggering legumes (a peanut is part of the bean family), or some sort of invasive larvae that’ll grow to the size of your arm and eat the peanut butter sandwich that’s hanging from the end of it.

Godzilla Earth

We already know there’s a bunch of different Godzillas: MechaGodzilla, Space Godzilla, JesusZilla (actually, he’s just the son), and those river-dancing all over what’s left of humanity in Godzilla: Planet of the Monsters (2017): Godzilla Filius and the 300 meter-embiggened, Godzilla Earth. I don’t think Godzilla Earth could fit in even God’s toy box, so I’m thinkin’’ the mystery ‘monster‘ is Ghost Godzilla. Don’t know if he even exists, just though it sounded cool.

Funko Godzilla

While you click away from this blog to go check out Funko.com (yes, you WILL be blown away), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies may or may not seem as cool as…Ghost Godzilla

The Night of the Virgin

THE NIGHT OF THE VIRGIN (June 12, 2018)
Javier Badola is a lonely young man who attends a New Years Eve party with the intention of losing his virginity. After midnight he finds himself alone and rejected until a middle-aged woman invites him back to her apartment. What promises to be an epic sexual debut turns into his worst nightmare when he discovers that the woman has a perverse occult agenda.”

Seriously? What guy doesn’t go out with the intent of losing his virginity — or at least re-imagineering it? And just so we’re clear, it just. ..doesn’t…matter if the woman has a perverse occult agenda. It’s super fun happy times for your swimsuit area, man! And if there are any “virgins” out there reading this, I’ll give you some advice via an old joke: “Sex is a lot like air — it’s no big deal until you’re not getting any.”

Canaries

CANARIES (2018)
“In the style of Shaun Of The Dead, The Lost Boys and Attack the Block, Canaries is a funny, dark and action packed sci-fi horror comedy that pits a group of drunken friends on New Years Eve in a Welsh valley against an invasion task force of creepy time-traveling aliens. A kick-ass M.O.D agent, an insecure radio DJ and a kung fu master who owns the local B&B learn their new years resolution this year is simple: STAY ALIVE.”

Why do I have a sudden desire to move to a Welsh valley? I hear the residents are out of this world. P.S. I wanna be a kung fu master, but don’t wanna own a B&B. The things people do all over sheets — there’s the real horror story.

Zombiepura

ZOMBIEPURA (2018)
“When a mysterious virus breaks out in an isolated army camp, a lazy reservist soldier and his tough commander must work together to survive, and learn what it means to be real soldiers.”

Wow, it’s like they don’t even try and come up with a new spin on zombies. Sounds like Gomer Pyle versus the Undead.

The Adventures of Jurassic Pet: Chapter 1

ADVENTURES OF A JURASSIC PET: CHAPTER 1 (2018)
“An adventurous teenager summons the courage to help a friendly dinosaur to escape from the clutches of a mad scientist that wants to use him for experimentations.”

I imagine the worst part about a pet dinosaur is cleaning the litter box.

Hooks, Honey, Hotties and Bees

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil with tags , , , , , , , , on May 14, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Candyman: Farewell To The Flesh

In Candyman 2: Farewell To The Flesh (1995), Candyman is let out of the mirror in New Orleans on the onset of Mardi Gras, where the public showing of boob is replaced by the public letting of blood.

Candyman: Farewell To The Flesh

That stuff is kinda OK, but the cool part is we get to learn Candyman’s backstory. Talk about skeletons in the closet — Candyman (original name Daniel Robitaille), was the artist son of a plantation slave back in the not-so-good ’ol days. Daniel was commissioned by the plantation owner to paint a portrait of Caroline, his hot to trot daughter.

Candyman: Farewell To The FleshThe paint wasn’t even dry before he and Caroline, got busy wid’it. Once news got out that she was knocked up, Daniel was pursued by a white lynch mob, who sawed off his hand and dipped the bleeding stump into honey. (This is also where he got the Candyman name — a kid stepped up, tasted the stump honey and proclaimed, “Candy, man!”) Then bees swarm all over him, looking to repossess said honey. 

Candyman: Farewell To The Flesh

The plantation owner holds up a mirror to show Daniel his tortured look before dying. Right before he kicks the honey bucket, he looks into the mirror and says, “Candyman.” This explains how his soul was trapped in the mirror and why he appears whenever you comb your tortured hair/brush your lynch-mobbed teeth and invoke his name.

Candyman: Farewell To The Flesh

Lots more plot and sacrifices made on behalf of the hooked hand. And to think all of this started with a taste for forbidden fruit. That’s one helluva sweet tooth Candyman had/has.