Archive for April, 2014

Slices – Doesn’t Cut It

Posted in Evil, Science Fiction, Slashers, Vampires, Zombies with tags , , , , , , on April 29, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Slices

An insomniac has chronic “stay awakeness.” Reading books about sleeping doesn’t help. Neither does pot, which is a known gateway drug to the hard stuff like Excedrin PM™ and/or warm milk. But if he really wanted some shut eye, all he had to do was watch Slices (2008) an anthology of frightless and mundane short horror.

Slices

There’s “The Exterminator,” a torture porn bit about a corporate guy whose in charge of keeping the world’s population at 300 million. Those deemed a drain on the system, get exterminated. Guess who just fell into that category?

Slices

Weaker still is “Dead Letters,” where an aging writer is so overcome with grief over his wife’s passing, he can’t write anymore, which displeases his agent. The same agent who had an affair with the wife. I don’t know why – she had eyebrows the size of a stick of chalk and could stand to lose a few pounds. He finds a way to resurrect her and pick up where he left off in the smooching department.

Slices

Then there’s “Night Screams,” a near-to-pointless tale about a modern day sexy female vampire. I’ve never heard of such a thing. I know that look you’re giving me, but you’ve heard all this before.

Yep, Slices is templated after Creepshow (1982), but without the wry humor, comic book scares and budget. (I believe this was shot on a borrowed camera.) The insomniac may have had trouble falling asleep during this movie. I didn’t.

Ski-Rex

Posted in Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 28, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Poseidon Rex

Even as much as creature DNA swapping horror movies suck (Sharktopus/2010 instantly comes to mind), these mega cheesy quickies with digital monsters so lame they couldn’t cut it in video games from 1990 somehow manage to become guilty pleasures all the same. (Thank you, beer, for making me even more easily entertained.)

Poseidon Rex

Take the latest God cocktail: Poseidon Rex (2013), or “P-Rex,” which makes an aquatic hybrid out of a presumed extinct tyrannosaurus rex. Awaken the monster via a limp plot about divers searching for lost treasure, cut him loose on some vacationing bikinis and you’ve got yourself another SyFy Channel™ floater.

Titanosaurus

A creature like Poseidon Rex, though, is nothing new. In fact, a land/sea multi-tasking beastie named Titanosaurus has been around since 1975, making his big scream debut in Terror of MechaGodzilla. Titanosaurus can breathe under and on top of the water, has a roar that sounds like a trumpet firmly submerged in your Mariana Trench, and has been known to kick Godzilla in the nadzillas.

Poseidon Rex

Titanosaurus has been around nearly 40 years. Let’s see how long Poseidon Rex can hold his breath. In the meantime, don’t hold yours.

Sun Gone Wild

Posted in Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on April 26, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Solar Attack

Solar Attack (2006), a story about the earth’s atmosphere burning up, is about farting.

The sun farts (generically referred to as CME, or “coronal mass emission”) and sends said emission on a collision course with Planet Us. That’s not so bad. But all the farts we’ve been snapping off have created an elevated level of methane gas close to the ozone. That’s not so bad. But the holes in the ozone are big enough to let the CMEs in, where it ignites the methane, which burns like a hard fart and takes out all the oxygen we’re currently recycling. That’s bad.

Solar Attack

A radical plan is formulated to extinguish the incoming fire storm: detonate nuclear warheads over the North Pole, thereby sucking up enough water particles into the atmosphere, and hopefully putting out God’s BBQ. U.S. subs don’t have any nuclear warheads in the area that can handle the job. But the Russian sub does. It’s enough to make you fart in your own pants.

Solar Attack

Even though it borrows liberally from Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea (the 1961 movie, not the TV show) with a smattering of The Hunt For Red October (1990) thrown in, Solar Attack has some squeezy moments that’ll keep you from lighting your own farts to see if the theory about methane catching on fire will suck up the atmosphere and kill us all. P.S. You’re thinking about doing that right now, I can tell.

Resident Zombie

Posted in Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , on April 24, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Shadow Walkers

In a plot lifted directly from Resident Evil (2002) and a bunch of movies that ripped off Resident Evil, The Shadow Walkers (2006) finds a team of scientists sealed in an underground facility with a bunch of their own genetic mutations wanting to bite them on their b-holes and arms.

The Shadow Walkers

The failed military-funded project totaled several billion dollars and two years, not to mention all the torn lab coats and broken test tubes. The goal was to create a super army man that could go shock and awe on the enemy while retaining its cognitive thought process. In other words, a zombie that can think. (Pffft – I’ve been doing that drunk for years.)

The Shadow Walkers

The test subjects have gotten loose and a handy welding torch to the locks makes sure that the infected and the about-to-be infected don’t get out and go around biting people on the b-hole.

The Shadow Walkers

The vast underground facility is dark, dirty and full of mutations (like many bars I hang out in) that look like a cross between Rawhead Rex (1986) and that clay-faced creature in the Outer Limits. Their strength and sex-drive has also been amplified, which is demonstrated by a mutated chick who tears her shirt off. If anything was mutated it’s those magnified mammaries of hers.

The Shadow Walkers

Does anyone make it out alive/un-alive? Do the infected chicks start to get as horny as a last call bar fly? Does the military need me to volunteer to be experimented on? By now the answer should be pretty obvious.

The Lord’s Vampire

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Scream Queens, Slashers, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , on April 23, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Southern Gothic

When a “weak of flesh, but strong in the Lord” preacher is bitten by a vampire, you’d think God would step in a go, “Oh no you di’int.” Maybe because the preacher frequents strip clubs and does things in the private lap dance room contrary to his belief system. Back to Bible Camp for you, pal.

A small Southwest town and aforementioned strip club is the intersection for several drama collisions, one being a gorgeous single-mom stripper with a 10 year-old daughter, a suicidal-by-alcohol club bouncer who a while back killed his young daughter while driving drunk, a man and woman vampire looking to get in some low-key snacks, and the aforementioned fire-n-brimstone preacher who survives a vampire attack, only to become one himself.

Southern Gothic

Once shown the true light, the preacher recruits his flock to weed out the cancer in the community. His target: the strip club. But only after he makes the red-head his eternal bride of doom.

The bouncer, Hazel Fortune (half of that is a cool name), becomes emotionally attached to the stripper’s young daughter, and sees a chance to be the dad he wasn’t on that night he made his own daughter pay for his drinks.

Southern Gothic

The local rednecks are all too eager to help usher in the Lord’s way, and do redneck-y stuff to those they capture and hold hostage in an old house. The dude vampire, now single as the Preacher managed to kill his toothy wife after the initial attack, steps up to help Hazel rescue the little girl and stripper mom, who is a vampire stripper now. A lot to suck in, but stay with the group.

Southern Gothic

Lots of neck puncturing, eye stabbing, knife poking and head shot-gunning. But oddly, no bare boobies. You’d think with a strip club as the metaphor, they’d at least put ’em on the glass. Not so with this one.

Southern Gothic

Southern Gothic (2007) has a few corny moments (the preacher is waaaaaaay over the top with his preachin’), and a platter of splatter. But it felt like the vampires needed explaining. And at least one bare boob. It would’ve helped the plot waaaaaaaay more.

Booze Cruise With Ghosts

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 22, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Ghost Ship

The intro of Ghost Ship (2002), a haunted-ship-at-sea flick, has one of the best opening sequences to a horror movie ever seen. Unfortunately, after that it heads for the drain faster than a non-alcoholic beverage.

Ghost Ship

A lush and plush Italian ocean liner sets sail to America in 1962, back before over-priced cruises such as this were offered on Expedia.com™. A spectacular group death sequence (I really want  to ruin it for you, but I won’t – this time) slaughters everyone on board, except for a little girl. Then the ship disappears for 30 years until suddenly discovered bobbing around the sea like a rusty Christmas ornament.

Ghost Ship

Before the Navy can pee on it and call it theirs, a salvage team heads out to claim the ghost boat’s booty. Soon enough, bad things not related to sea sickness begin to take place: visions of the little girl, wires and cables moving around, noises that sound like Aquaman processing some bad clams, horny ghosts who drop top… From there, though, it becomes The Shining at sea, with haunted ballrooms and interactive spectres.

Ghost Ship

The crew is dispatched one by one and the true story of what really happened to the boat comes to the surface, kinda like a high-fiber bowel movement that just won’t go down with one flush. Sufficient measurements of blood and cool ghost effects, and the atmospherics are just the right shades of evil and half-lit darkness. But you get the haunting feeling you’ve seen it all before.

Too bad they raised the bar so high with the opening shot – that alone was pure art, like a ballet dancer caught in a wood chipper.

The Fungus Among Us

Posted in Classic Horror, Fantasy, Ghosts, Scream Queens, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , on April 21, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Shrooms

A bunch of dipsh*t American college kids go to Ireland in search of mushrooms with which to consume and get high. Puts a whole new spin on “higher learning.” Off they go into the woods and start picking ’shrooms, except one chick eats the dreaded Death’s Head mushroom and almost dies. Unfortunately.

Shrooms

She spasms out and her heart and lungs don’t explode as promised by their guide, but she does gain premonition-esque powers and sees her friends all die graphic deaths via an unnecessarily complicated backstory-heavy local folklore involving a nearby abandoned all-boys Catholic school and the sadistic schoolmaster who tortured and murdered 78 students (all but two were reconstructed from the pieces).

Shrooms

The kids get high and the requisite jock with gangsta rap leanings goes off in the woods and meets a talking cow that warns him to not go any further or else he’s dead meat. (That’s the pot calling the kettle black.) But this sets up the first of many misdirections that do little to keep you from predicting the outcome. (C’mon – kids on psychedelic drugs vs. ghost legend. Who do you think is to blame for the stabbings, hackings, chokings, drownings?)

Shrooms

Dressed up in high (sorry) stylish photography and trick edits, they want you to believe Shrooms (2007), with its butt awful movie title, is not your standard “college kids die” horror crap. Not so much. That said, they really fumbled the ball by not giving the talking cow more lines.