Rebooted Puke, Stab-A-Thon, Cannibal Love

Universally regarded the scariest movie ever made, The Exorcist (1973) is being remade as a direct sequel to the original film and slated for an October 2023 release. If that doesn’t make you hurl split-pea soup, here’s even more bonus info: It’s intended to be the first of three new Exorcist films and the sixth installment of The Exorcist franchise overall.

Tying it together, Ellen Burstyn, who played the single mom of Regan MacNeil, her Devil-possessed daughter, returns after 50 years (she’s 90 years old now, but has the body of an 80 year old) to star in the as yet not fully titled Exorcist 2023. Linda Blair, who famously played the 12-year-old soup-puking daughter, is not appearing. Neither am I.

When the Devil got into Regan’s wheelhouse, he made her do stuff like spider-walk stairs upside-down, pee on the carpet as if it were legal, power barfing green gunk all over her jammies and a priest trying to get the party started, violently flopping around on her bed like she was doing “The Worm” dance, spin her head 360 degrees without getting dizzy and liquid laughing even more, “polishing” a crucifix (ahem), speaking in evil Latin, floating like a helium-possessed balloon, and swearing with language typically reserved for those stubbing their toe on a coffee table leg. In other words, acting like a typical 12-year-old.

Non-evil fun fact: In 2010, the Library of Congress selected the film to be preserved in its National Film Registry, citing it as “culturally, historically, or aesthetically significant.” I can think of a dozen adult films that could fit in that category, but that’s a different NSFW blog post.

While we order a case of Campbell’s Chunky Split Pea & Ham™ with Natural Smoke Flavor Soup, (Amazon Fresh™: Pack of 12 — $28.68…sweet!) in homage to The Exorcist, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make you power barf… 

VESPER / Out now US / October 21, 2022 / United Kingdom

“After the collapse of Earth’s ecosystem, Vesper, a 13-year-old girl struggling to survive with her paralyzed father, meets a woman with a secret who will force her to use her wits, strengths and bio-hacking abilities to fight for the possibility of having a future.”

With the Earth’s eco-system in the unfertilized toilet, it’s clear what’s needed: Soylent Green made from human beans. 

HALLOWEEN ENDS / October 14, 2022 (Theaters/Peacock™)

“Four years after the events of Halloween Kills (2021), Laurie is living with her granddaughter and is finishing writing her memoir. Michael Myers hasn’t been seen since. Laurie, after allowing the specter of Michael to determine and drive her reality for decades, has decided to liberate herself from fear and rage and embrace life. But when a young man is accused of killing a boy he was babysitting, it ignites a cascade of violence and terror that will force Laurie to finally confront the evil she can’t control, once and for all.”

The first Halloween movie came out 44 years ago. Counting Halloween Ends, there’s nine sequels, one that had nothing to do with the series (Halloween III: Season of the Witch/1982), and two remakes (Rob Zombie did ‘em). I don’t doubt there’s a Michael Myers body count stat, but as the unstoppable/unkillable star of Halloween, he’s had quite a successful career thinning the herd. So will Michael finally die in Halloween Ends? Not as long as we keep paying to see more Halloween movies.

HEX / November 1, 2022 (DVD/VOD)

“Sarah witnesses a mysterious disappearance while on a skydive. The remaining team of skydivers are haunted and left fighting for their lives. As they search for answers, they find that things are not as they seem.”

A “mysterious disappearance” while skydiving. Either that person got stuck in a cloud or forgot to pull the rip cord. (Look for a red stain about the size of you.) 

BONES AND ALL / November 23, 2022 (Theaters)

“Two outsiders embark on a 1,000-mile odyssey through Ronald Reagan’s America. When they discover they cannot outrun their terrifying pasts the pair take a final stand to determine whether their love can survive their otherness. An achingly tender and thoughtful coming-of-age romance between a pair of cannibals with an insatiable need to devour flesh.”

While an insatiable need to devour flesh applies to both cannibals and zombies, cannibals are capable of being romantic (example: candlelight buttsteak dinner); zombies will bite your mouth off if you try and smooch ’em. That’s the total opposite of romance.

Game Sharks, Evil Warehouses, Dreadful Angels

If you’re looking to do some pre-Christmas shopping done, there is no better gift to get me than the new Jaws board game by Ravensburger. And here’s the supremely cool part — one player gets to be the shark!

Coming late June 2019, the Jaws board game will bite into your wallet for $30. Heck, I’d pay at least $35 for such a cool game. Here’s why…

“Like Steven Spielberg’s classic film, Jaws the board game plays out in two major acts. The first part has the player controlling the shark terrorizing Amity Island by attacking swimmers, while up to three other opponents — playing as Quint, Brody, and Hooper — try to cooperatively figure out exactly where the shark is hiding in the surrounding murky depths. Once the shark is located, the game switches to a second act.”

While you fight over who gets to buy me the game, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/TV series that may or may not be as ridiculously cool as a cardboard shark…

1st SUMMONING (February 22, 2019)
“As four student filmmakers unearth a bizarre history of occult practice tied to an abandoned warehouse, it becomes clear the horror they set out to document may have been lurking among them all along.”

Of course abandoned warehouses are where evil lives — the rent is cheap.

STRAY (March 1, 2019)
“An orphaned teenager teams up with the detective investigating her mother’s murder. They soon discover a supernatural force threatening the city and realize the teen possesses hidden powers of her own which might be the key to stopping it.”

Potential spoiler: The supernatural force threatening everyone is…REPUBLICANS. Time for Democrats to tap into their hidden powers and veto them back to Hell.

DARLIN’ (2019)
“Darlin’ picks up 10 years after the events of The Woman, when the titular character escaped with the then-young Darlin’ in tow. Now Darlin’ in is a Catholic home for girls while the Woman resides in an all-female homeless encampment.”

Didn’t see The Woman (2011), so I have no idea what they’re talking about. I looked it up and it was a sequel to Offspring (2009). Didn’t see that one, either. The internet says it was about cannibals. Sounds yummy.

PENNY DREADFUL: CITY OF ANGELS (2020)
“City of Angels will be set in 1938 Los Angeles, a time and place deeply infused with Mexican-American folklore and social tension. Rooted in the conflict between characters connected to the deity Santa Muerte and others allied with the Devil, Penny Dreadful: City of Angels will explore an exciting mix of the supernatural and the combustible reality of that period, creating new occult myths and moral dilemmas within a genuine historical backdrop.”

If this is even half as good as the Penny Dreadful TV series (2014 – 2016), which starred Count Dracula, Dr. Frankenstein and his science project, Dr. Jekyll, Dorian Gray, the Wolf-Man and a bunch of witches thrown in for flavor, then I plan on spending all my waking time binge watching it.

Sea Ya Sharks, Mansion Ghosts, Farm To Market Cannibals

On July 25, 2018 we’ll be saying goodbye to the gooftacular Sharknado universe with the latest, as-yet-untitled Sharknado sequel. (They should call it Will The Last Sharknado Leaving The Ocean, Please Turn Off The Faucet? A bit wordy, but nail on the head.) Note to selves: I tagged this one on February 22, 2018. Then I washed and combed my hair for two hours.

The left-field hit series that started as a waterspout that pulls sharks out of the ocean and dumps them all over Los Angeles, started in 2013 with Sharknado, and successfully regurgitated the formulaic plots with endless celebrity cameos with Sharknado: The Second One (2014), Sharknado: Oh Hell No! (2015), Sharknado: The 4th Awakens (2016) and Sharknado: Global Swarming (2017). Even before the new/final one, this is like the movie version of Hokey Pokey.

While we cross our fingers that this will indeed be the last Sharknado, were are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not belong in a watery grave…

CARTEL 2045 (May 1, 2018)
“The year is 2045, the continuing drug war has caused havoc between The United States and Mexico. Gear Side International, a robotics engineering company on the brink of bankruptcy, sells off their technology to the Cartel on the black market. With the advanced military robotics technology in the wrong hands the cartel uses it to their advantage; replacing their enforcers, hit men, and soldiers.”

Who needs robots when you have Machete himself to take care of future business? (Note to reader: It’s really Danny Trejo, who played the iconic badass Machete in previous kick ass films, though I’m not seeing much of a difference). I live in Seattle, but I have friends in Los Angeles who regularly eat at his restaurant: Trejos Tacos. Wonder if they chop up the taco fillings with a…machete? That’s be SO cool.

WRAITH (May 8, 2018)
“After living in an old mansion for almost 10 years a family suddenly discovers a ghost-like presence trying to communicate with them.”

I would like to live in an old mansion that has a ghost-like presence. But does the squatting specter chip in on the cable bill, scrub toilets every other month and chase other ghosts out of the cellar, you know household chores everyone has to do? Might have to bring that up during the next family poltergeist pow-wow.

BEAST (May 11, 2018)
“A troubled young woman in a small island community falls for a mysterious outsider who empowers her to escape from her oppressive family. When he comes under suspicion for a series of brutal murders she defends him at all costs and learns what she is capable of.”

This one’s being described as a “warped adult fairy tale.” Works for me, though it seems like a really bad idea to a.) commit brutal murders, and b.) do it on a small community island. Unless you’re Aquaman’s cousin’s brother’s nephew and could swim away from the cops, you’re pretty much dry-docked in the zip code.

THE FARM (2018/2019)
“A young couple gets kidnapped and treated like farm animals after stopping at a roadside diner to eat meat.”

I don’t hang out in barns (anymore), so I’m not sure how farm animals are being treated these days. If I remember the Old MacDonald literary works correctly, cows and chickens and beavers get three hots and a cot. Doesn’t sound that bad to me.

Mermaids, UFOs, Vampires, Witches

MetroNews.com recently posted an article featuring an illustrated 1562 map that depicts several mermaids holding/playing with UFOs. That these objects could possibly be clam shells doesn’t negate the fact that mermaids and UFOs are as real as tasty, butter-dipped bivalve molluscs.

From the article written by Jaspar Hamill (Pffft — that name sounds so made up), the map is called Americae Sive Quartae Orbis Partis Nova Et Exactissima Descriptio (A New and Most Exact Description of America or The Fourth Part of the World). It was made in 1562 by the Spanish cartographer Diego Gutiérrez and the Flemish artist Hieronymus Cock (Awesome ancient porn name). The map is the earliest example of a large ‘wall map’ of America and is believed to be the first to feature the name ‘California’. It features giants as well as barbaric cannibals shown roasting a victim over an open fire.”

The map also includes “images of parrots, monkeys, mermaids, fearsome sea creatures, cannibals, Patagonian giants, and an erupting volcano in central Mexico complement the numerous settlements, rivers, mountains, and capes named. Sadly, it did not indicate why the mermaids might be holding a UFO, which means this ancient mystery remains officially unsolved.”

Man, it must’ve been a blast to live in 1562. I’d go out for a drink with a mermaid — for about 30 seconds, which is about as long as I can hold my breath.

So if you wanna see this NOT FAKE map in person, it’s being housed at the Library of Congress. Or, you could just wait for these upcoming horror/sci-fi movies to see if there are any barbaric cannibals shown roasting people over an open fire…

GONJIAM: HAUNTED ASYLUM (March 28, 2018/South Korea | April 13, 2018 (US/Limited)
“The crew of a horror web show plan to stream live from inside a ‘haunted’ asylum. To attract more viewers, the show’s host arranges some scares for the team, but as they move further into the nightmarish old building, they begin to encounter much more than expected.”

YET ANOTHER one of these “reality shows in a haunted asylum” movies. By my count, this makes over one billion. And yes, I’ve see all one billion of ‘em. What can I say? I have a lot of free couch time.

CORBIN NASH (April 20, 2018)
“Searching a world of darkness for a truth he was never ready for, a rogue detective is murdered only to be reborn the ultimate killer. Embracing his destiny, vowing vengeance on all that destroyed his family; he is Corbin Nash, Demon Hunter.”

I liked it better when it was Dylan Dog: Dead of Night (2010). Still, with demon hunter job openings becoming as scarce as soap-filled dispensers in dive bar restrooms, might be time to see some demon slaying job skills in action.

VIDAR THE VAMPIRE (available now/Norway | 2018 U.S.)
“Vidar Haarr is a 33-year-old, sexually frustrated bachelor farmer who leads a monotonous life as a Christian on his mother’s farmstead in the Western outskirts of Norway.  In a desperate attempt to break free from routine, Vidar prays to a higher power to grant him a life without boundaries. Unfortunately, his prayers are heard and, following that most unorthodox of ceremonies, Vidar is reborn as the Prince of Darkness.”

Been following this one. The press is calling Vidar The Vampire “a blood drenched, over-the-top horror comedy that is seriously not for the easily offended.” There is no part of that sentence I didn’t like.

I AM NOT A WITCH (available/France, Germany | 2018 U.S.)
When eight-year-old Shula turns up alone and unannounced in a rural Zambian village, the locals are suspicious. A minor incident escalates to a full-blown witch trial, where she is found guilty and sentenced to life on a state-run witch camp. There, she is tethered to a long white ribbon and told that if she ever tries to run away, she will be transformed into a goat. As the days pass, Shula begins to settle into her new community, but a threat looms on the horizon.  Soon she is forced to make a difficult decision — whether to resign herself to life on the camp, or take a risk for freedom.”

I say risk freedom and turn into a goat. You don’t see many of those things around the mall much anymore, so that could be kinda neat.

Literary Sharks, Cured Zombies, The Horror of Motels

The question isn’t “who wants a poster of a giant shark?”, but rather who doesn’t want a poster of a giant shark?” (Every home should be outfitted with one.)

You can get said enlarged Carcharodon megalodon image if you’re one of the first 2,500 people to buy the book Meg: Generations (sixth in a series) by best-selling author Steve Alten. Like a fisherman with something on the hook, there’s a catch — the book has to sell 10,000 copies before the first 2,500 who pre-ordered, will get the glossy 24”x36” shark poster (hopefully rolled, not folded).

Here’s the book’s premise: “The story picks up after MEG: Nightstalkers (2016) with David Taylor in the Salish sea attempting to locate and rescue any surviving Megalodon pups before a local fisherman slaughters them. Meanwhile, Jonas is coerced into joining an expedition into the Panthalassa sea in search of a prehistoric predatory species possessing liver enzymes that can cure cancer.”

A cure for cancer is cool. But the poster will cure boring walls. The book, in hardback form and not covered in shark skin as hoped, is available for pre-order by March 15, 2018. And if you buy the MEG 7 package, Steve will autograph your copy. I guess that’s neat, but I’d much rather have the poster signed by the shark. (Since sharks don’t have hands per say, simple chomp marks will suffice.)

While you rush to Amazon.com to pre-order, here are a few just released/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not bite…

FAMILY POSSESSIONS (available now)
“Rachael Dunn, a young girl, inherits the mansion of her estranged grandmother. Rachael and her family move into the house to start a new life, but once there strange and unexplained occurrences begin to happen. Rachael uncovers a secret that had been hidden from her and she soon realizes that some family secrets should remain…buried.”

I should inherit this mansion because I’m the family secret. And those “strange and unexplained” occurrences? Just me shampooing the carpet at 3:15AM. And no, that’s not a metaphor.

LOOKING GLASS (February 16, 2018)
“Ray must save his wife and himself from a gruesome secret connected to a motel and the strange people who visit there.”

Possible spoiler: the gruesome secret in the motel is that they never wash the sheets. Ick doesn’t even begin to describe the horror.

THE CURED (February 23, 2018)
What happens when the undead return to life? In a world ravaged for years by a virus that turns the infected into zombie-like cannibals, a cure is at last found and the wrenching process of reintegrating the survivors back into society begins. Among the formerly afflicted is Senan, a young man haunted by the horrific acts he committed while infected. Welcomed back into the family of his widowed sister-in-law, Senan attempts to restart his life — but is society ready to forgive him and those like him? Or will fear and prejudice once again tear the world apart?”

So what if you ate brain flesh when you were a zombie? That’s what zombies are supposed to do. It’s like the dumbass things you do when you’re drunk and then later sober up going, “Okay, who do I need to apologize to?” Own it.

SNOWFLAKE (2018)
“Snowflake takes place in a Berlin set in the near future as gang members hunt down the murderer of their families and find themselves trapped inside a nightmarish fairytale contained within a screenplay written by a demented dentist. En route to justice, the individuals get sucked into a vicious circle of revenge and must contend with a cast of wicked characters ranging from assassins to madmen to a blood-soaked angel.”

I’ve hear the term “snowflake” tossed around a lot since the election, so I looked it up. Snowflake is “a term for someone who thinks they are unique and special, but really are not.” Which begs the question: can snowflakes be orange?

Earthly Extraterrestrials, Space Squatters, Tasty People

There were those among us who meh’d the return of The X-Files in 2016, even in the limited (or “truncated”) form of six episodes. I liked it enough to watch it all in one night. Hey, I wanted to believe.

Happiness to look forward to, the 11th season kicks off the new year in January, 2018. From the press release: “The 11th season follows newly re-instated FBI agents Fox Mulder (David Duchovny) and Dana Scully (Gillian Anderson). The season’s storyline will pick up directly after last season’s finale and the search for Mulder and Scully’s son William will be a main story arc for the season.”

An FBI rug rat. I kinda suspected Fox and Scully went the distance after that bit ‘o extended smooching in the 1999 episode “Millennium” (which also featured zombies — real ones, not those fake ones running around, gnawing on Hollywood body parts). Couldn’t tell if any spit was swapped or tongues painting each other. But no doubt the chemistry for a little bedspring symphony was clearly established.

While you/me/we/us/them/those/they begrudgingly wait for The X-Files to fulfill your fondest hopes and dreams, here are a few upcoming and just-released horror and sci-fi movies that’ll may or may not make your bedsprings squeak with joy…

THE LAST SCOUT (available now)
“After the Earth is destroyed by war, a scout team of astronauts searches the universe for an inhabitable place to save the human race.”

Um, was this not the initial premise for Pandorum (2009) before all the space cannibals started running the restaurant? All fine and dandy to search the universe for a new party pad. But what if someone has to pee? It’s not like there’s a space tree to pull up next to in order for one to “spread the word” that Earthers are in the ’hood.

THE VOID VOL. II (available now)
“The Void Vol II is a multi volume anthology series featuring some of the best award winning short films from the horror, suspense, thriller, sci-fi and fantasy genres, Including: Disobedience, Savage Ivy, Somebody to Love, A Rats Dilemma, 314 and April.”

Looks like they covered all bases except acid jazz. That stuff is horrifying.

BOOK OF CHOICES (available now)
“Carl has made a mess of his life with his selfish, misguided choices. Retreating from his problems, he buries himself in an anthology of short stories, each one with a protagonist who has made a choice and must live with its consequences. Now Carl must let the moral of each story guide him in his own decisions before he runs out of time to salvage what’s left of his own life.”

Sounds like A Christmas Carol (1938 version), but without all the bah-humbugging and subsequent hugging. (Those ghosts could’ve really f’d ’ol Scrooge in the b-hole, but they just didn’t.) Advice to Carl — Keep on keepin’ on.

K-SHOP (December 12, 2017/DVD)
“After his father is killed in an altercation with drunken thugs, Salah’s world is plunged into darkness. Forced into running the family kebab shop alone, Salah struggles to manage the increasingly rowdy nightlife. When a fight with an angry customer goes fatally wrong, he finds himself with a dead body on his hands. Having no faith in the authorities, Salah disposes of the body in the one place he knows best: the kebabs. As the shop’s gullible customers devour the new recipe, Salah develops a taste for the kill and seizes the opportunity to turn vigilante, seeking vengeance for the abusive drunkards plaguing the streets.”

Human kebab meat. Do you dip in ketchup, table mustard (the real kind, not that overpriced “stone ground” goopy crap), or just make a sandwich out of it with lots and lots and lots of mayonnaise? For a spicier twist on this old country fav, you might try a little dab of Hershey’s People Picante. That’ll put some zing in your swing.

Farming Ghosts, Artificial Blood, Kaiju Floorwear

This 5’x4’ Godzilla rug is one of those things everybody in the world needs to have. Unless, of course, you have hardwood floors and just say no to rugs.

Love the idea of a Godzilla rug. G’s been wiping his monstrous feet on humanity since 1954. Nothing like a little payback.

Before you rush off to buy this thing [click HERE eventually], here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies to cushion your soul/sole…

WATCH OVER US (September 12, 2017)
“A father and his young daughters move onto their grandfather’s secluded farm following the breakup of their parents. But once there, they are soon plagued by paranormal events that reveal a deadly secret that has haunted the family for generations, and an evil force that demands they uphold a deadly promise made by their ancestors.”

There are lots of movies about paranormal evil things in old farms/barns/pig pens. Which makes one ponder — is the farmer’s market cauliflower we’ve been eating borne of ancient evil? Cauliflower sure tastes like it.

BROKEN DARKNESS (2017/2018)
“Eight years after the world ends from a massive meteor shower, humanity has sought refuge underground. A broken man who has lost all hope after the death of his son, is forced to survive within the underground. Hunted down by mutated creatures, bandits and cannibals alike, they risk everything to venture back to the surface to find their lost home.”

Mutated creatures, bandits and cannibals. Why didn’t they just say Republicans? Still, these adversaries aren’t anything more than what you’d encounter at The Tug Tavern on Taco Tuesday.

FAKE BLOOD (2017/2018)
“Rob Grant and Mike Kovac receive a disturbing fan video inspired by their previous horror movie Mon Ami, motivating them to investigate the responsibility of filmmakers in portraying violence in movies. In their pursuit of the truth they are unwittingly introduced to the real world of violent criminals and their victims.”

Violence in movies is so commonplace, I refuse to watch flicks that don’t have some form of savage behavior in it. Think of it as steak sauce on fried spam. Strap on the feedbag!

HOUSE OF DAD (2017/2018)
“While Pip’s only objective is to get to school, his father stands in his way, spouting several ambiguous ‘life lessons’ that serve more as obstacles than experiential aids. Pip’s father has tested Pip with his antics before; however, when Pip is assigned his most outrageous task yet, he reaches a boiling point.”

Boiling point is 212°F or 100°C. Figured this might make you wanna see the movie more than the press release.

Capes, Wooden Horror, Godzilla’s Frenemies

The new Justice League (releasing November, 2017) movie key art shows Superman, who “died” in Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice (2016), standing with the team of superheroes Batman assembled to fight what looks to be human-esque dragonflys with glow-y eyes. Wonder how they brought him back from the dead? Maybe brined his corpse in yellow sun juice or something.

This is all cool ‘n stuff, but I’m looking forward to seeing the new Aqua Man and another chance to see Wonder Woman clearing the dance floor. (If you haven’t seen the new WW movie, what the double heck is wrong with you?)

Speaking of, here’s some upcoming new horror/sci-fi to anticipate as if unwrapping a thoughtful gift from, say, 7-Eleven™…

GODZILLA: KING OF MONSTERS (March 22, 2019)
“The new story follows the heroic efforts of the crypto-zoological agency Monarch as its members face off against a battery of god-sized monsters, including the mighty Godzilla, who collides with Mothra, Rodan, and his ultimate nemesis, the three-headed King Ghidorah. When these ancient super-species — thought to be mere myths — rise again, they all vie for supremacy, leaving humanity’s very existence hanging in the balance.”

The sound you just heard was me screaming giddily. (F-you to my upstairs neighbor — you make way more noise than me.) The above info was actually teased right to your face if you sat through the end credits of Kong: Skull Island (2017), which showed petroglyphs (rock art) of Mothra, Rodan and King Ghidorah gettin’ their Godzilla game faces on.

Don’t get me wrong — I loved the MUTOs (Massive Unidentified Terrestrial Organisms) in the 2014 Godzilla movie. Heck they got more screen time than Godzilla himself, which gave the Internet external hemorrhoids. But to have three classic kaiju that first locked it up with G in 1964’s Godzilla vs. King Ghidorah, is nothing short of Christmas times a billion. And I say that without hyperbole.

THE EVIL IN US (July 4, 2017 (DVD)(Walmart)/August 29, 2017 (VOD)(DVD)
“While on a fourth of July holiday, six best friends fall victim to the insidious plan of a terrorist organization when they unknowingly take a bio-active drug that transforms them into bloodthirsty cannibals.”

Bloodthirsty cannibals or…ZOMBIES? A rose by any other name. I bet the bio-active drug was an energy drink purchased at a convenient store not unlike a certain 7-Eleven™.

ANNABELLE CREATION (August 11, 2017)
“A dollmaker and his wife who, 20 years after the tragic death of their little girl, welcome a nun and several girls from a shuttered orphanage into their home. Soon, however, the nun and the girls become the target of the dollmaker’s possessed creation, Annabelle.”

Ugh — I was hoping to avoid writing about this one again (Had to update the poster as I’m often compelled to do.) More puppet horror, which, from what the Internet is e-saying, is the start of a franchise. This was already done with the 13 Puppet Master movies, which began way back in 1989. But if Hollywood can make a quick buck, then Hollywood will.

JIGSAW (October 28, 2017)
“Bodies are turning up around the city, each having met a uniquely gruesome demise. As the investigation proceeds, evidence points to one man: John Kramer. But how can this be? The man known as Jigsaw has been dead for over a decade. Or has an apprentice picked up the mantle of Jigsaw, perhaps even someone inside the investigation?”

This is more gleeful news — taking off where the brutal yet wickedly entertaining Saw franchise ended in 2010 (seven movies plus one film short). I i-burped this before, but the Saw movies combined is one of the most successful franchises in movie history. You can win bar bets with that bit ‘o information. And I have.

FREDHEADS (2017/2018)
“FredHeads is a documentary about the fandom of A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984) and how it has changed the lives of so many people. The documentary will follow three fans as they tell their story and what their journey in the Nightmare community has been; some as fans, others rising through popularity. Along the way, we will be filming at conventions and getting as many fan stories as possible to feature as many fans as we can in the documentary.”

Awesome — a nice tribute to Wes Craven and his horror masterpiece. As they are filming fans at conventions, this could legally pave the way for my co-star credit along side of Freddy Krueger. Prior to this, I was just Photoshopping myself next to Freddy on all his movie posters. (In one we even appear to be BFFs.)

Vampires, Drugs, Human Dogs

Growing up reading comic books (before they were called “graphic novels” and charging adult money for ’em), the superheroes ALWAYS went to great lengths to keep their secret identity secret. Not so on the lightweight but still entertaining TV shows The Flash, Arrow and Supergirl — there are dozens of people who know who they are in non-hero mode and what they do when they take their crime fighting uniforms off.

Each of these superheroes better hope I don’t move to one of their cities and go all loose lip after sipping a casual 10 Budweisers™. Then again, I have need for someone with meta-human skills, so maybe we could work something out. You scratch my cape, I’ll scratch yours.

That said, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not require 10 relaxing Budweisers™ to enjoy…

AARON’S BLOOD (June 2, 2017)
“Aaron copes with his new life as a single father and the distant relationship he shares with his only child Tate. A timid hemophiliac, Tate is roughed up at school by the chief bully causing a massive nosebleed that lands him in the hospital fighting for his life. He makes a miraculous recovery after a necessary blood transfusion, but Aaron begins to notice progressively strange behaviors in his son. Faced with the grim possibility that his son could be becoming a vampire, Aaron enlists the help of a local vampire hunter and embarks on a frantic search to find the source of the infection to stop the transformation before it’s too late.”

That’d suck up one side and down the other to get a nosebleed that pretty much drains your entire body of the good stuff. As for the tainted blood transfusion, becoming a vampire because of it should be the least of your worries; blood donors are well-known disease factories. I heartedly recommend drinking adult beverages to cleanse the blood supply. Like Clorox Wipes™ the alcohol content alone can kill off most pathogens, supernatural or otherwise.

THE BAD BATCH (June 23, 2017)
“Arlen is unceremoniously dumped in a Texas wasteland fenced off from civilized society. While trying to orient her unforgiving environment, she’s captured by a savage band of cannibals and quickly realizes she’ll have to fight her way through her new reality. As Arlen adjusts to life in ‘the bad batch’ she discovers that being good or bad mostly depends on who you’re standing next to.”

The Bad Batch has been described as “a savage dystopian cannibal fairy tale set in a Texas wasteland where society’s rejects are just trying to make ends meat.” That’s pretty dang gosh darn funny. I know — language. Sometimes I resort to gutter speak to get my point across. Apologies. Couple things — this is a semi-big budget movie with legit big names. Secondly, since when did cannibals become mainstream? What’s next — slashers working at the local butcher store? Sometimes I just don’t get this gosh danged (I know, swear jar) world we live in.

WOODSHOCK (2017)
“A woman falls deeper into paranoia after taking a deadly drug.”

So your red flags didn’t go up prior to the great idea of taking a deadly drug? You’ve got bigger problems than deep paranoia. P.S. Don’t do drugs.

BITCH (2017)
“Jill, a lonely, distraught housewife with four unruly children, paces on her dining room table with a belt around her neck, contemplating a desperate end to her wretchedness. Her husband, Bill, focused on his identity as breadwinner and an affair with a lusty co-worker, is as oblivious to Jill’s growing terror that she will do something destructive as he is to the panic at his unraveling company. Meanwhile, dogs bark and howl through the night, as one persistent mutt continually stalks the family’s yard. When Jill’s psyche finally breaks, she takes on a vicious new canine persona.”

A woman mood swings herself into becoming a dog? Hold your Lassie jokes — this could actually be fun/funny. Really hoping she doesn’t get the urge to sniff butts and…I should probably stop talking.

Massive Monsters, Ghost Baby-Sitters, Date Night

Getting the happy itchys anticipating Alien Covenant at my local cineplex on Friday, May 19, 2017 (if you’re keeping track of years). I’m hoping they have a midnight screening on that Thursday. I have my KISS Army™ blanket, a pocket full of bit coins for snacks and a fresh pair of socks ready to go. (I plan on spending the night — might as well be prepared.)

While I “fun spot” itch for a few more weeks, here are some upcoming horror movies that may or may not be worth scratching yourself in public for…

BERLIN SYNDROME (May 5, 2017)
“An Australian photographer meets a charismatic local man while on holiday in Berlin. After a night of passion, she finds herself locked in his apartment and soon realizes he has no intentions of letting her go, ever.”

She’s not looking at the positive side of this equation — free rent! And apparently, passion aplenty, from what I’m hearing.

HUMAN CATTLE (2017)
“Three sexy teenagers take a fun-filled trip out to the Amazon for an exciting getaway filled with seductive pleasures and forbidden desires. Failing to hear the canoe tour guide’s warnings about the evils that lurk in the Jungle, they will now have to fight for survival against trigger-happy bounty hunters, blood-thirsty cannibals and massive flesh-eating monsters.”

Great title. It really says a lot without having to. Kinda like a freshly opened bottle of an adult beverage. Speaks volumes, I tell you. As for the movie, I don’t know that the Amazon is full of “seductive pleasures” and “forbidden desires” unless you count monkey butlers and those “Girls of Peru” swimsuit calendars. But when they’re telling me it has massive flesh-eating monsters, I’m on Expedia.com booking my next vacation there.

SCRAPS (2017)
“After a successful date, Jessica and Billy decide they don’t want the evening to end just yet, and agree to head back to Billy’s for a nightcap. On their walk they run into danger, but who really is the threat when the truth is revealed.”

Hard to tell what kind of horror movie Scraps is. The title possibly suggests cannibal action. Or one of ‘em turns into a werewolf and turns a non-werewolf into “scraps.” Or maybe none of the above. Guess I’ll just have to wait for some other horror movie site to spoil it (looking in your direction everybody but me).

STEPHANIE (2017/2018)
“Abandoned by her parents in their remote home, Stephanie survives on peanut butter and conversations with her toy turtle, while a dark supernatural force looms in the background. When her mother and father return to claim her, the malevolent power spins out of control with Stephanie at the center.”

The only reason the dark supernatural force is going crazy is because it’s been baby-sitting Stephanie and not getting paid. I’m siding with the dark supernatural force on this one. Baby-sitting is a tough gig, especially if you have to watch the kid instead of the TV.