Archive for January, 2015

Frog Aliens

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens with tags , , , , , , , , , on January 31, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Alien Incursion

Alien Incursion (2006). Had to look up “incursion” because I didn’t know what it meant. The definition is: “An aggressive entrance into foreign territory.” Sounds like my last proctology exam.

Alien Incursion

An alien meteor does an incursion into the woods, where it busts open and little snake-like aliens wiggle out and look for hosts to incur. Once inside the human body, the aliens eat your guts and pop out your stomach, just like their grandpa did in Alien (1979).

Alien Incursion

After they make their grand exit, the space eels grow at an alarming rate (they have to – the movie is only 90 minutes long) and turn into giant frogs with teeth and spiky things on their backs. For budgetary reasons, these “frogliens” are computer-generated, which means they suck.

Alien Incursion

Tack on a ham-fisted plot about a para-military group wearing KISS makeup sent in to eliminate the evidence (and witnesses), a weapon-hoarding survivalist, a forest ranger chick with lips so puffy from collagen shots she could be a blonde mudshark, a bunch of whiny characters that deserve to be frog food, and you have one helluva stupid sci-fi movie.

The best part – everyone dies, except two campers who will no doubt go on to have nightmares about being associated with this porcelain swirler.

Harping On Horror

Posted in Evil, Fantasy, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, TV Vixens, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 30, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Harpies

A washed-up NY cop is having a bad day. His wife wants a divorce. The police force won’t let him shoot people anymore. And his job as a security guard at a museum is about as interesting as the science behind why paint dries.

Harpies

Some well-prepared thugs break in to crack the new exhibit containing a mystical egg jewel that when hooked up to a gold amulet opens a portal to the time of the Harpies (972 AD, when chicks didn’t shave their legs or under their arms).

Harpies

W.U.C. (Washed Up Cop) intervenes but gets sucked back in time, where he regards his time travel as an every day occurrence. It’s there he encounters the days of yore and winged nag creatures that are so poorly special effected, they wouldn’t even be allowed in a video game – from 1980.

Harpies

To call Harpies (2007) a crappy movie is to be overly complimentary. Up closed the creatures look like crack whores, and Stephen Baldwin as the “hero” pitifully tries to echo Bruce Campbell’s character in Army of Darkness (1992), but falls so short as to be embarrassing to his mom and even his neighbors.

The Horror of Housekeeping

Posted in Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , on January 28, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Housekeeping

I’ve been a fan of After Dark Originals since 2006 and the release of the 8 Films To Die For: After Dark Horrorfest. ADO’s movies were/are smarter than the craptacular stuff that often clogs my DVD player and more often than not, powerful films (Wicked Little Things/2006, Lake Mungo/2008, Dread/2009) that stuck to your brain long after dark. Heh.

Sinister

Housekeeping, the latest After Dark Original, lands in your DVD player/brain on March 31, 2015. Despite the less-than-enticing title (and the fact the cover art mirrors Sinister/2012) and the bland synopsis, I put my horror trust in AD as they’ve never let me down. So here’s what they’re pitching…

Housekeeping follows Lucy, a medical student who takes a housekeeping job in order to make some quick cash. The almost-too-convenient new job soon takes a turn for the worse as Lucy’s haunting past emerges and she begins to lose her grip on reality.”

Ugh – they really need to get a better copywriter. That sounds like something I’d write. But no gooning out; ADO has a great horror track record. Unlike me and my horror clogged brain/DVD player.

Damned To Heck

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 27, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

John Carpenter’s Village of the Damned

John Carpenter’s Village of the Damned (1995) is a pointless remake of 1960’s movie of the same name/plot/ending but with “John Carpenter” added. Maybe someone thought adding the legendary horror/sci-fi director’s name to the title would make it sell more. It did, but that strategy didn’t make the movie better.

John Carpenter’s Village of the Damned

One day everyone in Midwich, California passes out, right in the middle of what they were doing. Not good for some of the small town’s residents, one of whom happened to be grilling food and tested the charcoal temperature with his face. Later, everyone wakes up going, “WTF?”

John Carpenter’s Village of the Damned

A few months pass and all the child-bearing women in town are knocked up, giving birth in record time to super-intelligent, Aryan Nation-esque white-haired kids with glowing eyes. Again we ask, “WTF?”

John Carpenter’s Village of the Damned  These psychic youngsters can use their minds to make you do stuff, like slice your skin open with a scalpel. Where this movie differs is with lots more blood and things that cause the letting of blood. (There was none of the above in the original and/or its sequel.)

John Carpenter’s Village of the Damned

The final solution to stopping these alien ankle-biters is the same the second time around (think brick wall—literally), but one protective mother found a way to get around it. Pity – I generally like to see kids go kaBOOM.

Boo That Ghost

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Scream Queens, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 26, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Boo

An abandoned hospital decorated with “do not enter” signs and a chain link fence seems the most likely place to party and have sex. But would you go in there if you knew the place was haunted, specifically the third floor where a tragic fire happened years ago that left a bunch of people burnt to the point of being well done plus? Yep, me, too.

Boo

Some party/sex-minded college students break in to have a Halloween party and find they can’t get out and the aforementioned scary stuff is for real. It takes a while for the chills to fire up, but it gets fun once evil gets inside you and that cheap clothes rack you call a body is no longer your own.

Boo

The students are annoying (clichéd, but then there’s not a lot of new ground to break with college students in horror movies) and do the usual stupid stuff to piss off the dead. Boo (2005), with a ridiculously tacked-on title, features decent splatter and helps distract from a conventional plot. While the hospital setting is sufficiently creepy, watch The Frighteners (1996) for cooler (and way bloodier) haunted hospital scenes.

Boo

Big time spoiler: the evil character that’s causing everyone to have a not so fresh feeling day? He isn’t the only one who can come back from the dead. Like me, for example. I do it all the time.

Japanese Giant Eyeballs

Posted in Asian Horror, Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Ghosts, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 24, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Kwaidan

A 1964 Japanese-made anthology of four “horror” stories involving ghosts, Kwaidan doesn’t have Samaurias in hockey masks spilling teenage guts all over the floor or rotted spirits with crooked teeth looking to suck on your brains. Instead, it’s more artsy, going for color, atmospheric settings, slow suspense build-up and mixed results pay-off. These stories came from a Greek dude but were adapted to the Japanese culture. I don’t know why I know that.

Kwaidan

Of the stories – “The Black Hair,” “The Woman of the Snow” and “In a Cup of Tea,” it’s the charmingly titled, “Hoichi the Earless” that’s the most fun with its cool graveyard scenes. It’s a story about a blind musician, or “biwa hoshi” whose specialty is singing “The Tale of the Heike,” about the Battle of Dan-no-ura, a war fought between Emperor Antoku and Minamoto no Yoritomo during the last phase of the Genpei War. (OK, I totally copied that off Wikipedia™ – but just for fact-checking, as I for real knew all that stuff in the first place. I just didn’t know how to spell everything.) I also liked the giant eye in “The Woman of the Snow.” Giant eyes are kinda neat.

Kwaidan

These are all metaphoric tales of loss, grief, remorse, blah, blah, blah. Brain-eating can be remorseful, too, but you just have to let it be so. While it’s been described as one of the most meticulously crafted supernatural films ever made, Kwaidan is like reading a poetry book when what you really want is a TV Guide™. Still, the snow woman is kinda hot.

Kwaidan

Women and Dinosaurs

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 23, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Extenction

Totally not surprised to see a “dinosaurs run amok” movie coming out as anticipation swells for the impending Jurassic World (2015), in which dinosaurs run amok. Extinction (previously known as The Expedition) premiers in London on February 25, 2015. I shan’t be there.

Extinction, which is a slight title improvement over The Expedition, goes a little something like this: “Deep in the Amazon jungle a research team lead by a respected Professor embark on an expedition to protect vulnerable and endangered species. After a series of strange events their superstitious guides abandon them and the team choose to remain deep in the jungle, dedicated to the project. But as night falls in the camp they begin to realize that all is not as it seems, and that they are in the hunting ground of a predator – one they never could have expected.”

I call B.S. on the whole “they are in the hunting ground of a predator – one they never could have expected” thing. Did they not see the movie poster? Clearly, the predator is a flippin’ dinosaur. Geez people – open your eyes for crying out loud.

Heh.

XX

Changing lanes entirely, XX (2015) is an anthology of four short stories using women as the hook. Can’t tell if this one is a good movie or not because they don’t show any boobs on the movie poster. (Don’t look at me like that.) Guess I’ll just have to roll the dice on a movie ticket to find out if I’m wrong or not. (Note to movie studio – uncool to release the artwork and not a plot. You just ruined my entire day.)